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Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

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So he keeps mentioning being the Fourth in these poems... which means there's probably an untapped reservoir of pre-hat poetry where Minato had even less experience.

You're pulling your punches, EJ, show us the real deal! :p
 
Noburi and Neji start a thinly veiled poetry feud, lamenting shinobi have no earthbound satisfying rivals. Stars uncrossed, biting their own ankles. Noburi pines for a foe beyond familiar shores, with a sight so sharp they cover their bright eyes in fear of cutting themselves. Neji conjures the apparition of a battle scarred, grizzled trickster, no less intimidating for their victory paid wooden prostheses. Catches on as an improbably popular new genre.
 
Velorien said:
It's a fundamental fact of writing that one's characters end up taking up residence in one's subconscious (which why they sometimes develop in ways the author never intended). Clearly, this is a case where the character of Minato is influencing @eaglejarl's writing from the shadowy depths of his mind... but what is the message he is trying to convey (or obscure)?
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You have to get up early in the morning to catch Minato's machinations. By the time he has had breakfast, he has had imposter syndrome on 3 continents.
 
Don't worry y'all, Velorien is talking about Noburi having difficulties with his Humongous Dragon, it's really putting a strain on his marriage
 
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Chapter 514: That Dragon Which Slays Love
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    • Hazō ran for his life as, mere metres behind him, the Dragon pursued its rightful prey. The shattering noises of broken branches and the screeching of terrified tree rodents heralded its coming, and Hazō knew without having to be told that his bones would fare no better than the wood if it finally caught him in its maw.

    He sensed the monster preparing to dive, and sent chakra roaring through his muscles in an instant, life-saving chakra boost—

    He was out of chakra.

    His daily shadow clone training, combined with all his evasion up to this point, had left him out of chakra.

    He glanced around desperately. That tree would be too weak. That one wouldn't give enough cover. That one was out of reach. That one…

    There was a boulder just out of reach, a perfect Substitution Technique target for someone who had the chakra. Hazō didn't. Still, there was nothing else. As the Dragon's maw began to close around him, Hazō leapt…

    Noburi's Humongous Dragon 30 + 1 + 6 = 37
    Hazō: Athletics 37 + 6 = 43

    …and Noburi's Humongous Dragon smashed helplessly against the stone at Hazō's back, showering him in chakra construct water that would evaporate with eerie speed by the time Noburi caught up with him.

    "I'm out," Hazō shouted. Even without seeing Noburi, he could picture the smirk on his brother's face, him with his stupid Vampiric Dew and stupid enormous chakra reserves that meant he could keep going forever and ever while Hazō was stuck spending most of his chakra every day on training that wouldn't pay off until he became a physical god with the power to reshape world politics with a single punch.

    "I'll get you next time," Noburi declared as his, yes, smirking face appeared from around the boulder. "You know, I'm starting to have my suspicions about why you keep putting off my ninjutsu training."

    Hazō didn't dignify the insinuation with an answer. Instead, he collapsed against the boulder, suppressing a groan as his muscles complained about their continued existence. Noburi redeemed himself by handing over a waterskin before sitting down much more casually next to him, not even out of breath, the showoff.

    "Hey," Noburi said, glancing back at his technique's trail of destruction, "do you ever worry that all our massive AoE ninjutsu and explosives and stuff are messing up the natural environment?"

    "Nope," Hazō said immediately. "The Gōketsu policy is to give as good as we get. If the natural environment ever stops trying to mess me up, then I might consider it."

    "There's plenty more forest where that came from anyway," Noburi agreed. "It just popped into my head because of stuff Yuno's been telling me about Isan and forest management. Obviously, they've always needed wood to build with, and to clear space for farmland, but at the same time, they couldn't afford to overdo it and have the Tea ninja notice that someone was cutting down trees in this supposedly uninhabited area, or damage chakra beast habitats to the point where chakra beasts started moving out and ended up making the clans send extermination squads."

    "Huh," Hazō said. "Things are… OK with Yuno, then?"

    "Sure," Noburi said. "Right as rain. Nothing to complain about here."

    Hazō filed this response under "potentially suspicious" and carried on. "I know it must get tricky for you two, with her coming from such an alien culture. Honestly, I'm impressed at how well you've been making it work."

    "It's still a work in progress," Noburi said. "Like, I can memorise weird Isanese rule after weird Isanese rule, and she appreciates it, but I feel like there's this background mindset that I can't quite get my head around, and everything would suddenly snap into place if I just did. You know what I'm talking about, right? Like the way people in Leaf have all these weird cultural assumptions that they don't even realise are there, and then every now and again, you go 'What the heck?' and they have no idea why you're overreacting to something perfectly normal—or reacting at all, really."

    "I think I get it," Hazō said after a second's thought. "You mean like the way people here talk about politics. They just start talking about it in the street, no precautions. Sometimes they even start discussing it with strangers, and your first thought is, 'Are you crazy? Do you want to have the secret police knocking on your door tonight?', and then you remember that in their heads, the world doesn't work that way."

    "That," Noburi agreed. "Or how when a Leaf couple divorces, sometimes the kid gets a say in which parent to stay with. What kind of twisted, topsy-turvy logic do you have to follow to arrive at that being natural?"

    "You're kidding," Hazō said. "You mean it doesn't just go to the mother? How does that even make sense?"

    "Exactly," Noburi said. "But if you ask them why they do it like that, they just look at you funny, like you're asking them why forehead protectors go on your forehead. And then, Isan's in its own tier of weird, and I swear there's some kind of underlying logic there, but I just don't get it, and until I do, I'm going to keep tripping up. Which sucks for her, since I'm the only person here with any grasp of Isanese culture whatsoever. Nobody else has a chance of meeting her in the middle."

    "It seems like it's working out, though," Hazō said.

    "Kinda sorta," Noburi said, wiggling his hand in the air. "You have to talk a lot, and you have to make sure you're not talking past each other, which is a lot harder. There's a kind of cultural Clear Communication Technique involved, only it breaks down really easily as soon as someone goes 'But your way doesn't make sense', which is really easy when you're dealing with Isan's customs, because they don't make sense."

    Hazō nodded. He'd had more than a few conversations like that, especially with Akane, but occasionally with Kagome-sensei as well (though it was impossible to tell whether his objections were due to him having come from a different village still or due to him being Kagome-sensei and having very specific views on what was and wasn't "pants-on-head crazy").

    For a while, the pair just leaned back against the boulder, Hazō enjoying the pleasantly cool feel of its shadowed side after exercising on a hot day.

    "There's no point dancing around it," Noburi finally said. "You want to talk to me about that dinner, don't you?"

    "I'm a little worried about some of the relationship dynamics I've been seeing between you and Yuno," Hazō admitted. "It seems to me like they're hurting both of you, and that's not something I can ignore as your friend."

    Noburi pulled himself up out of his slouch. "You don't have to sugarcoat it, Hazō. I messed up. I got lost in the moment, and I scared Yuno, and then neither of us were ready to bail Kagome out after he did his usual thing. Honestly, I should've seen it coming—it's not like I hadn't met Fujisawa at the ceremony, in an 'It's Yuno's special day, so I'm just going to pretend girls don't exist above their feet' kind of way."

    Hazō shook his head. "That's not what I was going for. I mean, yes, it would have been good if you jumped in, especially after what happened with Akane, but at the end of the day, it's the host whose job it is to keep the peace, and I didn't manage it either."

    "No," Noburi disagreed, "that's not fair. Your job in this clan is to have crazy ideas and do the paperwork. My job is to provide support. So if support doesn't get provided, that means I let you down. Just… don't blame Yuno, OK? She's doing her best."

    "I'm sure she is," Hazō said. "But her best is worrying me. Mari said Yuno's already hospitalised two people. I'm guessing they were civilians, since all hell didn't break loose, or maybe they were KEI ninja and Kei or Ami bribed them not to press charges—I can totally see Ami doing that and then adding it to the favour stockpile. Either way, we can't afford the risk of her doing it to someone who matters."

    In retrospect, Hazō really should have followed up on that at the time.

    "That's really not a comment you should be making out loud in this day and age," Noburi said.

    "I'm not saying KEI ninja don't matter," Hazō said impatiently. "I'm saying they matter a lot less than her hospitalising, say, a Hyūga or a Sarutobi. Or worse, suppose she does the most natural thing in the world and hospitalises a Hagoromo. Within an hour, Hagoromo Ritsuo will be at the Tower, telling Asuma that the Gōketsu have violated the Hokage's decree and spilled blood in a clan war. If that happens, the Gōketsu are sunk. Letting us off with a fine won't be an option."

    "All right," Noburi conceded, "when you put it that way, maybe things aren't so great. But it's really not her fault. She's just scared. She thinks that the second I get close enough to a girl to be able to compare, I'll realise how awful Yuno is and abandon her. She doesn't even think of it in terms of my agency—girls are automatically drawn to me because of my awesomeness, which is fair, and I am automatically going to choose the best available option, which she thinks isn't her, because that's how relationships work.

    "It's not like she's unaware that getting all homicidal at the drop of a hat is only more likely to push me away and into the arms of emotionally-stable competition. But she's a fighter. If she's doomed anyway, she's going to delay the inevitable as much as she can instead of sitting back and letting it happen. And as someone who's grown up with violence as her only problem-solving tool, what else is she going to do?"

    Hazō nodded. "And what do you think?"

    "I'm not going to cheat on her, whatever she may think," Noburi said. "I have a will of iron plus basic human decency. The thing is…"

    Noburi hesitated.

    "Never mind."

    "You can talk to me," Hazō said. "Remember, I was stupid enough to make the most patient, tolerant girl in the world break up with me once. I'm not going to judge you."

    "…Yeah," Noburi said eventually. "Fine. But this is just between you and me, all right?"

    "Of course."

    Noburi took a deep breath.

    "It's not like she's exactly wrong."

    "What do you mean?" Hazō asked, preparing himself to be as non-judgemental as possible.

    "I would never do anything to hurt Yuno," Noburi said. "You know that."

    Hazō nodded.

    "But it's a fact that I got married young. I went straight from girls acting like I was some kind of slug to being in a political marriage—which, by miracle, happened to be with someone I already had feelings for. So here I am with this hard-won manly body, and this confidence, and my natural charisma polished until it glows, and it's all for nothing. I'm never going to date anyone. I'm never going to flirt with anyone. I'm at the destination, but I never got to make the journey.

    "Yuno's worth it. Of course she is. But it's not like I can get some tweezers from the hospital and just pull out this part of my heart and throw it away so I can be a better husband. The worst part is, with her razor-sharp intuition, I'm pretty sure she knows, and because she knows, there is absolutely nothing I can say to convince her that she is safe and secure and I will never end up interested in another girl. And once I do end up interested in another girl, in Yuno's mind it's a fact that I'll choose her over Yuno. I can't blame her for wanting to eliminate the competition in advance."

    Hazō was starting to wonder if he'd bitten off more than he could chew. For Kei, the family's other radical pessimist, it had taken a miracle of compatibility with an utterly devoted partner who was lacking in sources of temptation before she could feel secure in her relationship. Noburi met one of those conditions at most, and while Kei would probably respond to cheating by spiralling down into a deep well of self-loathing, if Yuno ever sincerely believed that Noburi had cheated on her, there would be blood.

    "Have you talked to her about any of this?"

    "Yes and no," Noburi said. "I've tried, but I don't want to hurt her, and she's a lot more self-conscious than she lets on. She's afraid that the more time I have to spend reassuring her, the more she'll put me off and make me want to go for an emotionally-secure girl instead. Ugh. Maybe if I had more dating experience under my belt—or any dating experience—I'd know what to do at a time like this."

    "Have you considered getting someone else involved?" Hazō asked.

    "Are you kidding?" Noburi exclaimed. "Satsuko would kill me before the words left my mouth! Closely followed by the person I suggested dating."

    "Nonono, I mean to help you talk things through," Hazō said. "An independent third party with more experience."

    "Like who?"

    "I wish I could say Mari," Hazō said, "because she'd be ideal for the job, but I'm guessing Yuno wouldn't be too sanguine about that."

    Noburi shook his head without further comment.

    "What about Yūhi Kurenai, then? She's got the same kind of skills, she's discreet, and she's very taken. I'm sure even Yuno wouldn't suspect you of cheating with the Hokage's fiancée."

    "…probably?" Noburi said. "But the idea of this random jōnin neither of us are connected to sticking her nose in our marriage just feels weird. Also, I worry that it'll make Yuno feel like she's so hard to deal with that I've given up on doing it myself and brought in an expert."

    "In that case, what about Ma and Pa Toad? You're on good terms with them, and they're a couple with their own marriage experience, so you could say you brought them in for some friendly advice—which is essentially true."

    "I'm a little scared of the idea of ending up with a marriage that looks like their marriage," Noburi said with a small smirk which quickly disappeared. "More of an issue is that I don't see myself summoning either of them anytime soon, never mind both. The reports say Jiraiya picked them over the Toad Boss at Nagi Island, which says to me that, despite acting like a wrinkly little comedy act all the time, those two have got to be crazy powerful."

    "What about somebody closer to home, like Akane's parents? Or maybe Honoka's?"

    Noburi considered. "Honestly, I don't know Akane's parents all that well, though they do have the advantage of definitely being outside my strike zone. I barely know Honoka's. But I'm starting to see how this might work. We just need somebody Yuno really trusts. Trouble is, the people she trusts most are Akane and Kei, and I don't want to put another burden on Akane's shoulders right now, and the idea of going to Kei for relationship advice is, uh…"

    "You say that," Hazō replied, "but given the size of the Kittensphere, she must have had to deal with jealousy issues a whole bunch of times by now, and as far as I know there haven't been any casualties—though, now I think about it, I haven't seen Shiori around for a while."

    "I'm sorry, the what?"

    "Oh, right, the Kittensphere. Shikamaru told me to call it that to annoy Kei."

    "Don't even think about it," Noburi said. "I've got enough on my plate without having to succeed you as clan head. I will talk to her, though—now I think about it, there's got to be some way to exploit her religious authority for the greater good. And maybe Mari, who's a goddess of romance in her own right."

    "Just don't say that around Yuno."

    Noburi sighed.

    "There's one more thing," Hazō said. "I don't want to harp on about the Fujisawa incident, but back then, Yuno stopped you from reading Fujisawa's note. In effect, she silenced a guest. The Gōketsu are all about communication and talking things out—I think you get that better than anyone—and if Yuno hasn't internalised that yet, then it's a matter of priority for us to explain it to her. Do you have any thoughts on how?"

    "For what it's worth," Noburi said, "she does feel guilty about that. Fujisawa's a good friend of hers. I think she'll apologise to her eventually, once she can find a natural way of saying 'I thought my husband was going to cheat on me with you even though he didn't do anything wrong at all except maybe stare at you for too long just because you happen to be gorgeous'."

    "A word to the wise," Hazō said after a second, "when you go to consult Kei, maybe don't tell her you think her new girlfriend is gorgeous."

    "I'm not stupid, Hazō. One homicidally jealous woman is enough for all my daily needs. Although, now I think of it, I don't know if Kei gets homicidally jealous. It's never come up."

    "There was that initial period when everyone was attracted to Mari, and she didn't kill any of us," Hazō observed, "so I suppose there's a chance you'll be all right. Just make sure you leave me your RPG sourcebooks in your will before you go out."

    "Rule one of not being assassinated," Noburi countered, "do not give people incentive to assassinate you. You can have those sourcebooks over my dead body."

    "Yeah," Hazō agreed, "that's the idea."

    Noburi groaned. "Anyway," he said, "maybe you and I can explain it to her together later. This definitely sounds like a place to use your clan head authority—which she respects a lot, actually, almost as if you managed to build a prosperous clan with a healthy internal culture while being two years younger than her. Now I think of it, at some point I'd better explain to her that you're a figurehead and it was the rest of us that did most of the work. Wouldn't want her getting the wrong idea."

    "Shut up, Noburi."

    Noburi laughed.

    "You've got to remember," he said more seriously, "nobody cared what Yuno thought back in Isan, so they didn't exactly go out of their way to teach her communication skills. It's not like she's stupid or has built-in issues with expressing herself the way Kei's girls do. It's just a matter of getting her to build the habit, same way as the rest of us. Also, if we can make her feel listened to, that'll help her appreciate that this is a clan where we listen to each other, so maybe you should try and think of some issues on which you really want her opinion."

    "That makes sense," Hazō said. "Want to head back?"

    Noburi levered himself upright reluctantly. "I guess we'd better. That afternoon shift won't man itself."

    As they got up and began to get their bearings, a thought occurred to Hazō.

    "Speaking of weird medical stuff, your Akimichi chakra training finished the other day, didn't it? How does it feel?"

    Noburi shrugged. "It doesn't, really, most of the time. Like, when I have my barrel on, I don't notice any difference at all. It's a drop in the ocean. But then if I try going without the barrel… it gets really weird. It's like having this massive cavern somewhere inside me, only at the same time I know it's really tiny, and if I try to move my chakra around at all, it goes empty in a flash. I wonder if it's how civilian kids feel when they first develop chakra reserves."

    Hazō nodded. "How do you feel about the next step, learning the Shadow Clone Technique?"

    "Still a little anxious," Noburi admitted. "I mean, now that we've made it this far, it's probably going to be fine, but I can't rule out the chances of something really freaky happening because of bloodline interactions or whatever. Hey, speaking of which, did you hear about the thing with Snowflake and Dr Yakushi?"

    "Don't tell me the Kittensphere's expanded again already!" Hazō exclaimed.

    "No, seriously, I won't be responsible for the consequences if you keep calling it that," Noburi said. "I'd be fine with having Dr Yakushi as brother-in-law by metaphysical extension—the guy's awesome—but I was actually talking about the latest 'research' he's published in order to fix Snowflake being a living OPSEC crisis. Turns out that the Second Hokage designed the Shadow Clone Technique specifically around the true bloodlines of the Sage's descendants, i.e. the Leaf clans, and if anybody with a non-Leaf Bloodline Limit tries to use it, the consequences will be unpredictable and potentially fatal."

    Hazō nodded. "So Snowflake's memory stuff is a consequence of the Frozen Skein being a non-Leaf Bloodline Limit, not a built-in feature."

    "Yeah. Also, it means there's a very good reason for foreign Bloodline Limit ninja not to try and steal it, which is going to be a big deal if AMITY stops people just declaring war in retaliation for technique theft."

    "Of course," Hazō noted, "that's going to make it look weird when you decide to learn the Shadow Clone Technique."

    "Yeah. I suppose Snowflake decided she couldn't afford to wait any longer for damage control."

    "Speaking of which," Hazō said, "do you have any ideas on how we're going to get you the Shadow Clone Technique?"

    "Sure," Noburi said. "I can't just go up to the Hokage and ask for it. You guys got it because of a major emergency, but I don't see the Hokage being in a hurry to hand it to me while there are still jōnin with years and years of loyal service who don't qualify. I thought about arguing that I need it for Zoo Rushes, which are a thing only I can do, but if AMITY works out, we won't have any targets big enough to need one for a while to come—and also the Hokage would probably say that Zoo Rushes work fine with my reserves as they are. Let's face it, he is not going to want to give the Gōketsu extra power if he can help it.

    "That's where I had my idea. Dr Yakushi and Orochimaru are still pretty interested in my Bloodline Limit. If I'm prepared to make Orochimaru even more interested in vivisecting me, I could get them to push for it for the sake of their research—seeing how the Vampiric Dew interacts with the Shadow Clone Technique and such."

    "Yeah, I'm sure Asuma would—"

    Hazō: Empathy 21 - 9 = 12 vs TN ??

    "—go along with that if you pitched it right," Hazō said. "Good idea, Noburi."

    "No problem," Noburi said. "Now come on, let's get you back in time for your date."

    -o-​

    You have received 3 + 1 (Brevity) + 1 (Fun-to-Write) = 5 XP and 1 FP (standard refresh).

    -o-​

    What do you do?

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    • Interesting. That penalties from april fools probably right?

    Or am I missing more of something else?

    Also good lord we need to tell him not to do that holy shit.
     
    Velorien said:
    So here I am with this hard-won manly body, and this confidence, and my natural charisma polished until it glows, and it's all for nothing. I'm never going to date anyone. I'm never going to flirt with anyone. I'm at the destination, but I never got to make the journey
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    The obvious solution, Noburi, is to date your wife. It's a mindset that people fall into in real life, that after you tie the knot, it's a done deal. You don't have to buy your partner flowers or chocolate, don't have to organize surprises for them, etc.

    The only thing stoping you from flirting with your partner, writing them poetry, surprising them their favorite pastry, going on new, fun dates, is yourself. Go have fun, go make memories, go flirt with the lady that cares very much about you.
     
    Velorien said:
    . The reports say Jiraiya picked them over the Toad Boss at Nagi Island, which says to me that, despite acting like a wrinkly little comedy act all the time, those two have got to be crazy powerful
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    That and because they were in the middle of a war gamabunta would have been an odvious and unmissable target that would have lasted a couple of seconds at most.
     
    I think its time we attempt to progress some necromancy stuff.

    [x] Action Plan: Just Hold On, We're On Our Way


    • Beforehand:
      • On second thought Noburi, uh, lets not fuck around with Orochimaru more than absolutely necessary. Consider that a softly-worded order for the time being.
      • Sanity check all aspects with Mari + ask her to fill in for Naruto if he is unwilling. Adapt according to her input.
    • Back when Oro blasted Hazou, he experienced hallucinations of what might have been alternative timelines or possible futures that involved further interaction with Oro.
    • We want Naruto to blast us, so we can try to astral project to Naruto's loved ones in the afterlife dimension.
      • Ideas for getting Naruto on board include things along the lines of:
        • "We've been hit by plenty of Jounin Auras before, and there's something more than meets the eye going on there. Between that and something clan secret, it might be possible to communicate with someone between Paths while under the effects of an Aura. It's farfetched, but trying crazy things that might just work is Goketsu policy. You in? Your connection with Jiraiya might make all the difference."
        • "Hey Naruto, want a free excuse to aura blast me in my stupid face?"
    • In order to maximise dimensional sensitivity, spend a research cycle on MARS, and use SSA to gain a consequence and temporarily reopen Hazou's connection to the Out. Closely examine some dragon parts for good measure.
    • Set up a ritual, possibly including things along the lines of the following:
      • Sitting in a pentagram, where on each star-point is one of Jiraiya's cherished possessions.
      • Wearing the clothes with Jiraiya's blood on them.
      • The bust of Jiraiya.
      • The toad summoning scroll, and/or Toads.
      • Meditating on Jiraiya.
      • Reading a passage from Icha Icha.
      • Subtly requesting aid from Jashin.
      • Activating a Jiraiya's Voice Says Boo Seal as Naruto blasts us.
    • If we succeed in contacting Jiraiya (in order of priority):
      • Emotional reunion.
      • Ask for landmarks we can use to find him.
      • Ask for a code/secret/memory/etc. we can use to at some point later to maybe verify this is real.
      • Recommend he try to gather as many allies (dead QM faves) as possible on his end for when the rescue party gets to him.
      • Request information on other relevant strategic intel needed for the rescue op.
      • Request his expertise on the rift scar.
      • Debrief him on what's been happening in the human and seventh paths, and request advice
    • Sealing(do for 10 days).
      • Prime and 3 Clones read Sealing notes for 9 days (level Sealing to 29 with this XP), except for the last day.
      • Prime infuses on the last day.
        • Clone does prep for six days leading up. Prime infuses on the final day (have a clone take his spot reading Sealing notes).
        • Use standard research SOP. Collaborate with Kagome.
     
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