I disagree, but because my brain is broken before I could rein it in my disagreement became an entire imaginary gameshow about how Pein working with Akatsuki didn't mean that we could, and it became this:
Welcome to, The Mastermind, with special guest stars Akatsuki members!
* Bachelor music plays*
Oyabun: I'm your host, here to help match our contestants, would be Masterminds Pain and the Gokage, with a panel of terrifying mass murderers-
*Chime, smash cut*
Oyabun: with a panel of efficient ninja assets, all of them future/past members of the terrorist syndicate-
*Chime, smash cut*
Oyabun: organization known as Akatsuki.
*Camera pans to the side, where Hazou, Noburi, Keiko and Kagome are crammed into one booth, while Pane exists in the vicinity of another, floating several inches off of the ground and emitting intense serenity radiation*
Kagome: Wait, if that stinker is still recruiting then how is the organization already named-
Oyabun: Let's start with our returning champion, notorious Ninja mastermind Pain!
PAAN: Thank you, It's pronounced 'Pein', though.
Oyabun: Isn't that what I said?
Pein: No.
Oyabun: …
Pain: …
Oyabun: And our newest challenger, Hazou of the Gokage!
Hazou: Point of order, we are a nonhierarchical caucus, whose leadership at any given moment devolves onto the ninja or entity most capable of advancing the set of goals that most closely resembles our values handshake, unless-
Noburi: Thank you, he's happy to be here!
Oyabun: Fascinating stuff, Gokage, now let's meet the panel whose loyalty you will be competing for!
*Camera pans to the other side, where Deidara, Itachi and Kisame arrive in their respective idioms, Deidara dropping through the ceiling in an explosion, Itachi having already been there, and Kisame swimming in following a blood trail.*
Oyabun: Here we go, they will pose questions, which our contestants will answer. Answer well if you want them in your secret organization!
Itachi: What is the goal of your organization?
Hazou: We seek to bring about an Uplift, which would entail civilian equality with Ninja, as well as a general-
Keikou: Leading off with civilian equality is a mistake, we would receive a more favorable reaction by phrasing it as ninja equality with-
Noburi: It's fine, let's just-
Keiko: You are correct, I'm unworthy of speech, I'll never speak again, and will immediately cut my tongue out in order to spare all of you any furth-
Hazou & Noburi: No, you are the best, the sole fragment of meaning in an unworthy world, we are fortune-
*During the din, Payne speaks a brief sentence, inaudible to the audience
Kagome: Stinker! Time for Boom, Squish!
Gokage: Kagome no!
Deidara: Do it!
Oyabun (desperately): Next question please!
Deidara: Is it ok if we continue to indulge our proclivities while the Master Plan unfolds?
Keikou: What proclivities?
Akatsuki (all at once): Blowing civilians up/Imprisoning people for 24 hours in my rape dimension by locking eyes with them / Dying if I stop going forward
PAAAAINE: Sure, knock yourselves out
Oyabun: Gokage?
Noburi: Hold on, Hazou said something about getting 24 hours of training into one second and locked up, he'll be a sec.
Keikou: And when he's back we'll have to tell him how wrong it is
Kagome: Clan ritual
Oyabun: And now a word from our sponsors
*Advertisement plays for AmiFavorChain, 'They are valuable because people believe me when I tell them they are valuable'*
Oyabun: And we're back
Camera pans over to where Hazou has attached himself firmly to Itachi's leg
Oyabun: And we're back to commercial break
*Advertisement plays for Kagome's tutoring, 'Your child might learn seals slightly better, and has no more than a one in four chance of being exploded' (offer not valid if I decide brainworms are involved)*
Oyabun: And we're back, for real this time
Hazou: We are definitely joining Itachi's-
Noburi: You will not be allowed to murder or mistreat civilians once you are a member of our clan
Kagome: Unless they are Condors
Noburi: Sure, obviously
Itachi: Would there be any penalties for refusing to join your organization? Secondary question, how powerful are you in a fight?
Noburi: None whatsoever, and very recently a single S-ranker beat us up so that we'd know that he could kill us at any time
Hazou: Actually we are all about to be S-rank, and we have seven superweapons, and-
!Pain! : I'm quite possibly either Ninja Jesus or his somehow even more terrifying brother, either way I can effortlessly defeat an S-rank ninja
Kisame: Any bribes? Like if we work for you we get cool stuff?
*Hazou screams in mortal fear and passes out*
Kisame: What? I'm like fifth from being the most frightening in this room, depending on where you count that Keikou girl
Noburi: I'm sorry, it's just, your character design could charitably be described as 'Zabuza, but also a shark', and we used to be missing nin
Painne: I will literally raise you from the dead, all of you, if you fall in my service
*Hazou is instantly himself again*
Hazou: Is there any drawback to that jutsu?
P^ne: Yes, it will...cost me my life!!!
*everyone gasps*
Hazou: So if you raise a dozen people from the dead, then one of them could raise you and eleven more, and then you raise him and eleven more, such that the total number of resurrections at this point is...carry the one...
Oyabun: Is he ok?
Hazou: tears streaming down his face, *whispers* : It's possible, it is actually possible
NoburI: I'm afraid we aren't going to get anything else out of him for a while
*Advertisement plays for Juraiya's porn books: 'Based on true stories, and definitely not secret messages'
Oyabun: And now time to see how things have turned out
*drumroll*
Camera pans over to the contestant side, where Itachi and Kisame have joined P&yne and are putting on the traditional Akatsuki cloud robes, joined by the 3 junior members of the Gokage, who are rapidly drawing clouds on their outfits
Oyabun: I'll be, that's...
Camera pans back over to the Gokage panel, where Deidara and Kagome are working together on a great big seal
*Smash cut*
Jiraiya (scorched, looking somber): No one will ever know the true cause of what some are calling 'the biggest bang', but most experts agree that is was likely the Cold Stone Killers, who remain even now at large.
