(Canon?) Interlude: Akatsuki's Cutest Recruits
"I am
not a member of Akatsuki! I am a loyal ninja of Hidden Mist, on a long-term, AMITY-sponsored mission approved by my Kage and Clan Head, to assist Akatsuki in their daily affairs."
"But you like wearing the robe," Kisame pointed out.
"The robe is pretty nice," Aya admitted.
"So, you're a member of Akatsuki," Kisame said smugly.
"The conclusion does not follow from the premise!" Saya said, her high voice echoing off the tall, stone halls of Kisame's lair. "I&S specialists frequently wear clothing that would indicate a variety of allegiances, and may even enjoy wearing such clothing to the extent that it does not interfere with the completion of the mission. However, they do not change allegiance as a result. Proof by counterexample: enjoying clothing of a given allegiance does not change your allegiance in truth."
"Nuh uh," Kisame said.
"Yuh huh!"
"Nuh huh."
"Yuh huh!"
"Nuh uh, and I'll prove it," Kisame said. "Consider the following syllogism. All members of Akatsuki like wearing the Akatsuki robes. Aya likes wearing the Akatsuki robes. Therefore, Aya is a member of Akatsuki."
"That syllogism is invalid!" Saya yelled. "The first line would need to be the other way around! That liking Akatsuki's robes
makes you an Akatsuki member, which I've already proven is false!"
"On the contrary," Kisame said with a wide grin, "before Aya joined, it was already the case that everyone who liked wearing the Akatsuki robes was an Akatsuki member. Empirical result: One hundred percent. So, we know
for sure that liking wearing Akatsuki robes makes you a part of Akatsuki."
"Don't you think you're winding them up too much?" Konan asked two minutes later, walking in and seeing Saya pulling on her hair and screaming at the stone wall, while Kisame and Aya laughed at the younger girl's reaction.
"What do you mean?" Kisame said. "I'm just being a good sensei to my student here."
"You're not my sensei, either," Aya said. "You're still a Mist missing-nin, so I'll have to kill you eventually."
"All students kill their senseis eventually, kid. It's the circle of life."
"Shouldn't she be in school?" Konan asked, gesturing at Saya, whose screaming had stopped so that she could listen into the conversation. "Where's their escort from the Wakahisa?"
"I pulled her out and ditched the nursemaid. They weren't doing anything important."
"Kisame, we got Mist and the Wakahisa to send the girls on the condition that they would be well treated and educated. She
wants to go to school and learn, you know what she's like."
"Nah, today's Rain history day and she'd probably just disrupt the steady stream of propaganda with her own Mist bullshit."
"Language!" Aya and Saya and Konan admonished in unison. Kisame raised both hands in apology, bowing slightly to the girls.
"I suppose the girls can see to cleaning your tongue after this," Konan said coldly. "But it's not propaganda. Hidden Rain's history and rise to be a major village-"
"-is just as fabricated as Mist's history," Kisame said. "C'mon, you've seen both sides, same as me. You know it's bu-, uh, all a result of the author's S-rank mastery of creative fiction. Rain didn't even exist until Hanzō made it happen thirty years ago."
"Yahiko-"
"Ah, forget it," Kisame said. "We've had this discussion before. Luckily, I've found someone who actually understands Mist history."
"I wish I could say the same," Saya grumbled, crossing her arms.
"Look, kid," Kisame said apologetically, "it's been a while since I hit the books. I mostly was swinging swords and throwing jutsu even when I was in the Academy, and then when I got out, I mostly read marine biology when I wasn't training-"
"Meathead," Saya said, huffing and staring at the ground.
"And what about her chakra training?" Konan asked. "It's her last year of the Academy, so that training is particularly important."
"Wakahisa," Saya said. "Apologies if this was unclear, Lady Konan, but the different chakra system of a Wakahisa ninja means that we need to perform different exercises. I simply meet with Auntie Makoto once Kisame has gotten bored of us for the day. I would never let Kisame's foolish antics distract me from my education, which remains well under control."
"
Antics? You're comparing me to an
ant!?" Kisame said. "That's it! Aya, do you want to learn a new ninjutsu to use on your sister?"
"You're not going to teach Aya lethal ninjutsu to use on her sister," Konan said.
"You've taught me too many ninjutsu!" Aya complained. "I need time to practice them if I want to get any good at them. Plus I'm not a ninjutsu specialist anyway, I need to train my taijutsu more!"
"Whatever," Kisame said. "You've only been a genin for a year, it's easy to change specialties. Plus, why would you bother with taijutsu anyway? How am I supposed to design a taijutsu style that you can effectively use with a heavy barrel on your back? Just use a sword. Way cooler."
"The Wakahisa clan already has a taijutsu style," Aya said. "I'm using that style to fight."
"That style sucks. How many jōnin have you killed with it?"
"None!" Aya exclaimed.
"Exactly!" Kisame said back. "That's why we need to develop you a new taijutsu style! Or better yet, just get you to use a sword."
"My clan has ninjutsu that combine well with taijutsu!"
"Psh. I'll teach you better ninjutsu that goes with a sword."
"I don't want to learn any of your ninjutsu! You're a psycho!" Aya said, throwing her hands in the air.
Suddenly, Aya's face split into a devious grin. She turned to Konan. "Did you know he put Saya in a Water Prison Sphere?"
"Kisame…" Konan warned.
"Hey! It was only for like twenty seconds," Kisame said. "Plus, you did it too after I taught you the technique!"
"It's fine when
I do it, obviously," Aya said.
"It was more fun when she did it," Saya said. "She let me get a breath of air first and swim around in the bubble."
"Do you want to try again?" Kisame asked. "I can put you back in the Water Prison Sphere and give it some fun currents for you to play with. Here, take a breath-"
"Kisame!" Konan said.
"Fine, fine," he said, holding up his hands again.
"No putting Academy students in Water Prison Spheres," Konan said.
"Actually, it sounds kinda fun," Saya said. "But maybe sometime tonight instead of literally right now?"
"No putting Academy students in Water Prison Spheres without their consent," Konan amended. "And don't let her drown."
"I would never let my student's cute little sister drown," Kisame said. "If anything, it's my student's duty to do it herself."
"She did dunk my head a lot as kids," Saya agreed.
"Keep talking like that," Aya said, in a whisper to Saya that was nonetheless fully audible to the two S-rank ninja in the room, "and I'll put you back in the bubble for as long as it takes for you to learn your lesson."
Konan sighed deeply. "Aya," she said, "the rule against putting Academy students in Water Prison Spheres applies to you as well."
"You can't set rules for me!" Aya said. "I'm not an Akatsuki schmuck like Kisame. I'm a Mist ninja!"
"Even though you wear the robes," Kisame said.
"The robes are cool," Aya said defensively, pulling the black-and-red cloth closer to her face as if to protect herself from Kisame's smugness. "They're soft. And warm."
Konan looked up at the high, gray stone ceiling. Looking to the sky, to the Sage, to any explanation for this madness. She found nothing.
Without looking down, she said, "Aya, if you put your sister in a Water Prison Sphere and drown her, I won't let you paint my nails anymore."
"Noooo!" Aya said, "You can't! Kisame let me paint his nails! And so did Deidara! And Sasori! Even Itachi let me paint his nails when he visited!"
"I did his toenails!" Saya said.
"And I'll keep letting you paint my nails as long as you don't use whatever horrifying techniques Kisame is teaching you to maim or kill anyone inside of Rain."
"The village or the country?" Aya asked, eyes narrowing.
"The country," Konan said.
"What if Grass invades, am I allowed to use Kisame-sensei's ninjutsu against them then?"
"Grass won't invade."
"But what if they did?"
"Then you would be allowed. Just don't hurt anyone in Rain who is authorized to be here."
"What about-"
"I'm not interested in making this a legal contract," Konan said, exasperated. "You know what I mean."
"Deal!" Aya said, sticking her hand out. Almost reluctantly, Konan shook it.
"But you have to admit," Aya said, "the nail polish really pulls the outfit together. Especially for you, Lady Konan, with your ring."
"I like the plum color," Kisame said, admiring his own nails. "You gave the same one to Itachi, right? Way better than the orange you gave Konan."
"Amber," Aya corrected. "It goes better with her eyes. And the ring."
"Well, so long as you girls aren't being mistreated horribly in Kisame's care," Konan said, trying to gather herself, "Aya, I would appreciate some chakra if you can spare it."
"Of course, Lady Konan," Aya said, as she quickly measured out a half-cup of chakra water for the Kage of Rain.
"Do you need more chakra?" Kisame said as Konan drank. He sank a finger into Aya's barrel as he spoke.
"Of course I'll take your chakra," Aya said, wordlessly starting to drain from Kisame. "But it's not fair that you're allowed to have bigger reserves than a Wakahisa."
"Bigger than a Wakahisa?" Kisame asked. "I've got reserves bigger than a jinchūriki!"
"Thank you, Aya," Konan said. "Ignore Kisame's bluster. His reserves are considerably smaller than those of a Tailed Beast. Kisame, I know you needed time to heal from the surgeries, but please consider that you may have tortured the children enough, and that you have other things worth doing with your time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have village business."
"Well, she's always a wet broadsheet," Kisame said, once Konan had left. "Saya, you probably need to spend all day working on your chakra shaping exercises, right?"
"Plus reading the books Uncle Itachi loaned me!" Saya said. "They sounded really interesting. I've done comparative analyses of history or political ideology, but I'd never thought to try it for religion! Say, when do I get to meet Uncle Hidan?"
"Uncle Itachi has boring taste in books-" Kisame said.
"You only read books about sharks," Saya said.
"-and Uncle Hidan is in timeout for doing something very naughty," Kisame finished. "Be careful that the same doesn't happen to you."
"I'm way better behaved than you, you shark-loving sword-swinging lunk!" Saya said.
"But
I am still able to put you in timeout, so who's the real winner?" Kisame asked. "Anyways, Aya, what do you want to do today? Want to play with Samehada?"
"It cut my hands last time you tried to make me play with it," Aya said.
"Do you want to go on a shark ride around the lake?" Kisame asked.
"We did that yesterday!"
"But does that mean you don't want to do it again today?"
"...no."
"Great!" Kisame said, leaping to his feet. "Let's go! I can give you some kenjutsu training and maybe we can find some chakra beasts worth fighting on the island in the middle."
"See you later, Aya."
"Good luck, Saya."
"Look kid, I'm gonna be a damn good sensei," Kisame said, voice fading alongside Aya's footsteps as they left Saya behind. "When you kill me, I'm gonna drop crazy good loot, too. Samehada and the Shark Scroll? You're a very lucky lil' pup."
"Meh," Aya replied. "Walruses are better."
"What!?"
