Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

Dear Uchiha Itachi (and perhaps Akatsuki at large),

I am contacting you without the knowledge of my village, and so I beg your utmost discretion on the matter and it goes without saying that I would be eternally grateful for it.

I am writing to you today in hopes of effecting great change in this world. Even now, we stand at the brink of the next shinobi war, a war that this world simply cannot afford. While the council of the Leaf village endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, I fear they will ultimately settle on a path that leads to the doom of us all. I suspect the situation in the other villages is no different.

This letter is a prayer, a request for help, a call to action, and a desperate plea for aid to the only group that I think would be able to make a difference on the scales required.

Please.

Sincerely,

Gouketsu Hazou


Itachi folded the letter up and put it to the side, taking care that it wasn't buried in the sand or swept away by the wind.

The beaches of Sea country were warm, even in the middle of January. The breeze carried with it a fair amount of moisture, a healthy dose of salt, and the soft sounds of a country where nothing important has ever happened and where nothing important ever will.

He tilted back the last of the bottle of whiskey he was drinking before reaching to grab another from the pile. He fidgeted with the cork for a minute, before giving up and shearing the neck of the bottle off with a kunai and adjusting his back to a more comfortable position against the palm tree he was leaning against.

He returned to the letter after another few bottles (and quite a few empties chucked at a loudly snoring Kisame), contemplating it with six tomoe lazily spinning.

Sure. Why not take a chance? It's not like he had anything left to lose.

He'd help the only way he knew how.


It was early in the morning twilight and quite chilly in the Heroes' Graveyard.

The atmosphere was solemn, quiet, and lonely. It was lonely despite the two dozen odd visitors paying their respects to the fallen at the memorials inside its walls. They were not here for each others' companionship. They were trade ships passing in the night, acknowledging the other's presence with the minimum amount of attention needed to signal that they'd be staying out of each other's way.

Amongst this morning's visitors was one Gouketsu Mari.

Standing in front of the gravestone for her late almost-husband, she placed some incense in the holder before lighting it with a torch lit from the graveyard's central pyre.

She stood there until well after the break of dawn.

The Village Hidden in Snow was bustling with activity, it's inhabitants running around in a frenzy.

The initial conquest was utterly trivial, and the subsequent industrialization efforts took a few weeks, but they were as ready as ever.

The seven of them stood in the war room hashing out the last of the plans and strategies. It was in one of the larger igloos previously used by the leader of the village, in the room with a large circular block of ice in the center serving as a table. In the middle of the table was a large map of the Elemental Nations, with various tactical and strategic routes and positions outlined with colored twine and painted miniatures poached from Kakuzu's board game collection.

"So we are in agreement then." Konan recapped. "We'll hit Rock first. Then, we'll come down to Sand before circling around and hitting Mist. We'll detour to Fire before finishing up Cloud on the return trip. We'll build back up and repeat as necessary, expanding future strategies and attempts to include any minor villages as needed."

Six heads nodded.

"Then let's get to it. We fly tonight."

Honoka was currently perched on the edge of Kagome-sensei's desk in his makeshift classroom, legs swinging idly back and forth, chewing a mouthful of palm-sized blueberry pie.

Today was a great day to be Kagome's student, even moreso than on other days because she would get treats. Mr. Jinno was paying almost all of his attention to the lesson, maybe 45% more than he usually did! Or 30%. 130%...? This stuff was hard when you weren't used to it, but it was really easy when you had sweets. It was somewhere around there though, he and Mr. Fuyuki were talking in hushed tones about some cool ninja stuff earlier like they always do before class -- it was bloodlines this time. She decided bloodlines were either super cool or weird and icky on a case by case basis, icky when you were one of the Hyuuga stinkers, but cool when you had one of the cool ones like Mr. Hazou's. She was pretty sure he had one, but she doesn't really know what it was for but it was probably cool anyway. Maybe there was one that let you blow up stuff and shoot explosions out of your eyes...

They were doing fractions and percentages today, in between a whole bunch of other stuff that was just for the adults that sensei said to just ignore for a while until he could get back to her. She tried to pay attention to all that stuff too, but after a couple minutes of Fujikawa Drive this and Iwahisa Converter that, she just focused on her fractions in between zoning out.

Question Ten: What is 4/10 in terms of percentages? What is this similar to?

She stared at the paper for a bit, before grabbing another palm-sized pie. Kagome-sensei had written a nice long explanation at the start of the paper and also talked her through the directions -- he was just the bestest-- before letting her start working. She fumbled around with the hunting knife --careful to wipe her hands off before touching it so she didn't get blueberry jam all over it -- before cutting in to the pie. The bottom number was ten, so she sliced it into ten equal pieces as best as she could. The top number was four, and ten without four was... six, so....

She ate six of the pieces. Huh, it looked familiar, she had seen this one before? She set the half-eaten pie down with the others, before looking through them.

Oh, this was the same as the two-fifths pie, and she already answered that one. The answer was probably the same? Yay, no work!

Math was so easy when you could explain it with pies, she decided.

After some time, she finished her worksheet and patiently waited(it was patiently waiting so long as she wasn't making too much noise, no matter what her mother said about keeping her legs still!) for the class to end. A few minutes later the class came to a close and Kagome dismissed the students. He spent another couple minutes answering last minute questions and checking over work, before his super big pile of new students walked out the tent they were using as a classroom.

"Alright Honoka, let's see how you did." Kagome said, peering over her worksheet and the pile of pies. "Hmm...everything looks great! What about these two, can you explain why they're the same?"

"Well, sensei, theres the same amount of pie left over. So they're the same percents, right?" Honoka answered, somewhat confidently.

"Hmm. Even though they're cut in pieces of different sizes?" Kagome pressed, scratching his scraggly beard thoughtfully.

"Why would that matter? They're the still the same. The amounts. The amounts are still the same!"

Kagome's expression shifted from his thoughtful and thinkin' 'bout stuff one to his excited congratulations one, and he started nodding.

"Right! Finklebop out of finklebop. Good job, you can eat the rest of all of those pies. Though, maybe save them for later so your mom doesn't get mad at me for stuffing you before dinner...."

"Okay!" Honoka cheerily replied. She put the half-eaten pies back in the tin they came in. Then she pulled out a piece of paper from her jacket pocket. It was covered with spiderwebs of ink, the markings bending and twirling around each other in precise patterns. She placed the storage seal under the tin and pushed some of her chakra into it, telling it to openopenopen, and the tin of sweets vanished with a puff of smoke. She let out a small huff of breath, but other than that wasn't too tired at all-- she was getting a lot better at using this chakra stuff, maybe she could move on to the fireballs or the big ZORPF seals that make all the wind soon!

Her excited daydreaming was interrupted by Mr. Hazou coming through the flap of the tent. He waved at the both of them.

"Hi sensei, hello Honoka. Sensei, do you have some spare storage seals? Akane and I were looking to distribute some firewood throughout portions of the village just in case anyone was running low, and I've just given my spares to the bank we've set up to pad out their reserves."

"Sure, gimme a sec." Kagome replied, fishing through his jacket. His hand came out of the forty-first pocket with a handful of seals, forking all but one of them over.

"Hmm. Guess this one has the extra pies I had. Honoka, can you take out that tin so we can put these extra pies in yours? You can take them home too."

A split second and some shuffling (and a very happy Honoka) and her storage seal was stuffed with another couple tins of sweets.

"Thanks, sensei. I appreciate it since I can't currently... yknow... Every pack of firewood we can stuff together will probably get used, it looks like it'll be cold out tonight and a lot of folks still aren't really in a good situation. Every little bit helps."

She frowned. That wasn't good.

"Anyway, I'll head out then. Thanks again." Mr. Hazou said over his shoulder on his way out of the tent.

Every little bit helps.

"Wait!"

Hazou stopped, turning around with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, Honoka?"

She stuck her hand out. Her mouth ran ahead of her.

"Can you take my storage seal and give those people these too? I'm really full and ... maybe some of the other people would like them to cheer them up and stuff?"

Mr. Hazou's eyes widened a bit, his other eyebrow going up to join the first.

"Are you sure?"

"Uh huh." She nodded. "I don't wanna be like those eyeball-stinkers and just keep all of the good stuff for me. That's not what the Will of Fire says. 'sides, I'm full. Oh, uh, I can have the seal back when you're done right?"

Mr. Hazou's face got a weird look in it for a second, and he turned away to rub his eyes and sniffle a bit. He turned back after a second and was smiling though. Maybe he was getting a cold?

"It's very kind and thoughtful of you to share. Don't worry, I'll bring it back--"

There was a poofing noise, and Kagome-sensei was scribing away at a desk that wasn't there before.

"Don't bother, I'm already making her some new ones."

Kagome-sensei really was the best. She let him know that.

"Thanks sensei, you're the best! Now Mr. Hazou can keep that and maybe use it to help with the firewood. Say, Mr. Hazou, is Ms. Akane going to be getting all the firewood for you? I heard Mr. Jinno talking earlier and he said that Ms. Akane had the Mokuton and wow isn't that a cool bloodline and--"

Honoka was interrupted by a very loud coughing and sputtering fit from said teenage clan head.

"Mr. Hazou, are you alright? Why is your face all red? Did you get attacked by lupchancies!?"


They were flying through the sky above Iwagakure on this hellish death trap of Deidara and Sasori's invention.

Itachi was on overwatch, eyes scanning to and fro looking for potential threats. Deidara was piloting--more accurately, he was piloting in between throwing handfuls of bright multicolored explosions into the sky. The others were down on the ground, making sure that their most necessary and honorable mission was being completed with maximum haste. Deidara was cackling gleefully about art, and shouting encouragement to the clay golems empowering their aircraft.

"On Ashura, on Asuka, on Gnomy and Naggy! On Vasher, on Vivenna, on Shika and Shaggy!"

The eight multilegged reindeer howled in response, their pincers and mandibles clacking in joy.

"Deidara, could you explain to me again how this works so well?"

Deidara molded some more clay into the shape of a skull, before sending it off to float directly in front of Itachi's face.

Not this again, goddamn Talking-

"Talking Head no Jutsu!" Deidara shouted, hands flying through the requisite handsigns. By the time he got to "jutsu", his voice was coming from the skull as well though it was just as audible either way.

"You see Itachi, with eight chakra golems to pull the sleigh along these reinforced wires, it allows for three-dimensional maneuverability and speeds far in excess of what we would be able to achieve otherwise. In fact, it would not be possible for us to reach every single major village in one night were it not for the resonance between--"

"No, I understood that eight is better than one. Why reindeer? How are they even flying?"

The skull paused.

"How does any construct made out of clay fly? Do you think explosive clay is aerodynamic at all? It's chakra. It's art!"

"... did you two test this design at all?"

"Testing great things is the work of Chunin. Creating great things is the work of an artist!"

"Hnn."


"That's the last of the firewood, but we do have a few of those tiny blueberry pies left." Akane said, as they left the last house they visited. The sun was getting low in the sky, so it was probably time to hike back to the compound. Luckily the walk wasn't going to be too long since they more or less went around the circumference of the village's interior, but they still had a bit of woods to walk through since the compound was in the middle of Nowhere Street, Leaf Village.

"Hazou, wait. " She barred his way forward with an arm. "There's a mistletoe above us."

A what? Was that some sort of Fire country thing?

He looked up, and sure enough there was a large vine-like plant with fruiting bodies hanging down in front of them.

Hazou looked back at Akane. Their eyes met for an instant-- an instant that stretched on and on as time seemingly slowed down to a crawl.

The mistletoe twitched and they sprung into motion. Akane leaped to the side, narrowly avoiding a barbed tendril as it whipped through the space she was occupying. Hazou was right behind her.

"Earth Style: Multiple Earth Wall!"

"Fire Style: Flame Aura!"

Akane wreathed herself in flames just as Hazou's Earth Wall shot up from the ground to provide them some cover. Hazou quickly dug through his pockets for seals to palm. The granite wall wouldn't hold for long, but it should buy them some time while the mistletoe thrashed against it. By the time it detached itself and its other four vines from its perch to circumnavigate the wall, it would be too late to--

There was a bloodcurdling screech before a titanic shifting mass hurled itself from the trees above directly behind them.

-- or it could do that.

A split second later and a thorny vine shot into motion, hurtling at breakneck speeds towards his center of mass. Hazou managed to put his arms up into a block at the last second, the thorns painfully digging into his arms and jacket instead of his fleshier bits. The force of the blow smashed him into the granite wall behind him and knocked the breath out of his lungs.

Ouch.

The mistletoe readied another vine and then a burning meteor punched right through it's center and that was the end of that.

A few minutes and more than a few thorns ripped out of his clothes and forearms later, and they almost resumed their trek back to the compound.

Almost. Akane was standing around staring at him with a half-thoughtful half-expectant expression. Hmmm.

"Did I miss some of the needles or something? Venom on my face?"

Akane shook her head. She was still looking at him with a slight frown. Weird.

"So, that was a 'mistletoe'?"

"Oh, right. You wouldn't know. Nevermind. Yeah. They're more common in the winter months. That was a very large one though. It's possible the recent incident shook it loose from its burrow." She shook her head. "Let's head back to the compound and get washed up. The guts smell most unyouthful."

Akane started walking off.

"Nevermind what?"

"Oh, it's nothing."

"Akane."

"It's no big deal. When two romantically compatible ninja kill a mistletoe together, they're supposed to kiss afterwards. Just a weird tradition thing, it's nothing to worry about." Akane said in the tone that she would normally use if she was distinctly trying not to make a big deal out of something that might bother someone else even though for her it definitely was a big deal.

Wait. What?

"Wait. What? But I thought... but we're... it's...."

Hazou swallowed and paused. Wouldn't do to let his mouth run ahead of him on this topic.

"I think things are pretty complicated at the moment and that would probably make them more complicated, right?"

Akane nodded.

"That's true," She said "But sometimes it's better to let things be simple for now and let them be complicated later. I dunno." She smiled, but her eyes weren't in it. "I guess it's complicated?"

He didn't know where to begin with that.

"Anyway Hazou, I'm going to run on ahead. Asuma has Haru, Sakura and I scheduled for a chakra beast patrol mission in the morning due to manpower shortages, so I need to get back to clean up and rest so that I'm ready."

"Ah, okay then."

Hazou was left with a sinking feeling in his stomache as he stared at his ex-girlfriend-current-adopted-sister(?) running into the distance.

He had to get a crash course in dealing with this stuff from Noburi sometime.
Hidan was running through the sands of Sand, various explosives strapped to his back. He was the distraction while Sasori and his army of puppets deposited all the woodcarved toys throughout the village. Sagemas. Jashin preserve us, what a crazy plan.

He tossed some explosives down for the thousandth time that night, hopping to the next rooftop, triple bladed scythe slicing through the mud-brick chimney of the T&I building to cause some more problems for his pursuers, and to rack up property damage for the village. In midair, he kicked one of his pursuers backwards down the half-chimney he just sliced open. She screamed as she hit the fire, before presumably rolling out the front end like any good ninja would.

Oops. Well, that might be hard on your hair blondie but I could've done much worse. Pah.

At least he managed to weasel out some concessions. Sagemas or not, he was still the high priest of a dark god of murder and pain.

"Ho! Ho! Ho! Praise be unto Jashin! Suffer the wicked not to enjoy this Sagemas eve!"

Blagh. He needed to work on his sermons, he was getting a little rusty and working this new stuff into the doctrine would be difficult. Maybe some folks from Sand wanted to convert?


"How do you like the drink?"

"It's interesting, sweet but not overly so. An interesting kick from the cinnamon. Perhaps it wasn't brewed under a blood moon according to the thirteen customs?"

Noburi paused. Did he tell Yuno that was probably not the case because that wasn't a thing here so the cinnamon-spiced cider (called the 'Great Fireball Special' here at the Soggy Tag) was likely brewed whenever, or would that result in him being rendered unfit to court her due to some bizarre clause in Isan culture that prevented you from having a boyfriend that gave you drinks that weren't brewed according to a thousand and one crazy bits of cultural legalese? Better be honest, that's probably going to have the least blowback when it comes to girls.

(Although she did blow up at him over the wedding and divorce thing, so mayyyyybe not?)

"I think it was probably just brewed whenever, Yuno. To be honest, that sort of custom isn't really a... thing here." Noburi said.

"Hmmm. I won't take this to convey that you are a sweet yet interesting romantic interest then and I forgive you for the mixup."

Man, this was stressful. What do you say to that? He was saved by the bell at least.

"Sir and madam, would you like more to drink? More funoyaki or tea to go with it?" Their waitress-- a polite young woman with a curious shade of blackish-purple hair by the name of Saeko.... Mugiwara? No... Busu... Bu-something... Saeko would have to do-- asked them with a measured smile.

"I think-- well, I'm set for now at least. Yuno, do you want anything?" Noburi said.

Score one for not just saying 'No, we're good.' and assuming that Yuno was in fact content with the current food and drink situation! The Great Noburi, Soon-to-be Toad Summoner, Most Epic Water Ninjutsu Master There Ever Will Be, and Undisputed Master of Interpersonal Interactions, has won another victory! Following in Jiraiya's footsteps was the name of the game. WWJD, baby! What would Jiraiya do!

"No thank you, I'm content. Unless you happen to be versed in the ceremonial-- ah, never mind."

"Alright then. Waive me over if either of you need anything." Saeko replied with a smile, before walking off to the kitchen in a way that combined with her skirt in a manner that definitely accentuated some rather positive attributes of her physique --

"Noburi, is it normal for women to be so brazenly flirtatious in this country? Perhaps Satsuko and I should have a word."

Noburi winced and glanced back at Yuno, noticing with a healthy amount of alarm that she was running a finger up and down the blade of the axe in question. A frown was plastered onto her expression, and her red eyes were narrowed slightly. She had definitely noticed him accidentally staring.

Drat. Damage control time.

"No, no. See, its not really flirting, really? It's more of a habit thing they do to encourage tips from interested customers." Noburi croaked out. " Not that you have to be interested to give a good tip. Just that it incentivizes it on average. But it doesn't mean that she's flirting, no, it's probably just a habit. Don't worry about it."

"So, she wants 'tips'? Satsuko has two of those, will those suffice?"

A tiny voice was whispering in his head about the fact that Yuno threatening the waitress and not him (He was the one staring afterall. Oops.) was probably indicative of some deep-seated issues.

This voice was ignored in favor of one shouting at Banshee Fucker volume for him to get started preventing a murder.

"No! Okay, look, so how it works is you get paid--"

Perhaps following in Jiraiya's footsteps isn't exactly the greatest idea.



Mori Ryugamine, the Angel Without Mercy, was not a very happy man.

This was certainly the case tonight, because for once, he was caught entirely unprepared.

He was currently in the Mizukage's office staring out at the village. It was difficult. Visibility was reduced by a factor of 50 by the ocean of white that was raining down from the sky.

He could make out pamphlets, storage seals, prayer talismans, and origami animals of all shapes and sizes. There had to be millions.

A paper crane flew through the window, a storage seal in its beak. He waived off the Mist ANBU that attempted to intercept it -- it literally didn't matter at this point, they would be dead a thousand different apocalyptic ways if someone capable of operating on this scale had actually wanted to kill them. He took the storage seal, examining the message scrawled on the back.



"By the Drunken Ancestors and the Waves Arisen...what does it mean?!"


Keiko was spending the evening with Tenten.

They were sitting on a hilltop in a tent on a pile of furs and blankets. The weather was terrible. A storm had picked up, the wind blowing sleet and snow everywhere. Off in the distance lightning flashed and rumbled. They would both be in the process of freezing to death in spite of all that, were it not for the roaring fire in the brazier and the cups of steaming hot chocolate in their left and right hands. The little marvels of fuinjutsu proved their usefulness over and over, unlike her.

Their other limbs were occupied, their fingers very gently but very firmly interlaced with each other. It had taken a couple tries, but it was worth it.

She was talked into this by her beloved after her loved ones spent the day before hauling her out of her self-inflicted social nadir. She could tell though, that the last few days had been taxing on Tenten. Though she hadn't indicated it, Keiko could tell that she was tiring.

"Just a few more moments, please."

A slight, minuscule, almost nonexistent squeeze of her hand was the only response.

Keiko knew that they would have to leave eventually -- they certainly couldn't sleep here-- but some part of her ( some part that dwelt in whatever she had that passed for a functioning heart) wished to stay here until the end of time.

A particularly large bolt of lightning and rumble of thunder rocked the skies, and she thought she saw a shooting star in the distant sky. Curious. She looked over to Tenten, to find the other girl smiling softly at her.

If anyone else were present she would have undoubtedly killed them on the spot and ordered their corpse flayed alive by monsters from a different dimension, but if a hypothetical person were to ask Keiko to quantify it, she would have answered that her heart grew approximately three times in size in that moment.



"Uhhhhhh..."

"Do you think we should head up above the cloud cover, Deidara?"

"Why? It's just a little lightning, not a problem for any one of us."

"Deidara."

"What!?"

"The constructs pulling this metal sleigh are made out of exploding clay."

"Huh. Well, Kakuzu or Kisame have those anti-Raiton jutsu that should work to--"

"I don't have the chakra for that after the last three villages." / "Mine doesn't actually work on this scale."

...

"Praise Jashin that I'm immortal."

"Ditto."

"I told you we should have thought of more test cases."

"I find this development utterly unsurprising."

"Up yours, Uchiha! Do you know how hard it is to make --"

The argument was cut short by a blast of electricity and a massive explosion.



Hazou woke up from the usual series of nightmares in a sleet covered clearing.

He blinked, before stretching his fingers together in a handsign.

"Dispel."

The world failed to shatter around him to reveal some semblance of sanity, Hazou's bleary brain noticed a couple more things about his surroundings, and his blood turned ice-cold.

"What kid, don't believe that we're --"

Hidan broke off into a coughing fit.

"-- ugh. That's definitely a punctured lung. Jashin that stings."

"Quit your bitchin'. Some of us have to work to maintain our bodies." A torso made of threads --the bingo book said that was probably Kakuzu--said from across the clearing. "Hey, kid, can you pass me my lower body and my right thumb? I need to sew those back on first --"

"Oh, shut up you sentient pile of friggin' udon noodles! No one wants to hear your--"

"Quiet, the both of you."

Streams of paper coalesced to form Konan, the woman who killed Jiraiya. If he was any less tired (and if winning a fight against her was anything more than a fevered daydream) he might have taken umbrage at that. Still problems pertaining to mass murdering psychopaths and almost-certain-death aside....

"Um, excuse me miss," Hazou squeaked. "Why am I here?"

In one moment Konan was glaring admonishingly at the High Priest of Jashin and the World's Greatest Bounty Hunter. The next moment, Konan turned her head to look at him, streams of paper near her neck and face reorienting themselves to meet his gaze. It reminded him of that animated calligraphic flip book Jiraiya had shown him once (the idea turned out to be untenable for mass production due to paper costs, but the Toad Sage had kept a vanity copy), except if you cut out some of the pages so that the animations were sudden and less fluid.

Freaky.

"A good question. Allow me to explain."




"So you're saying you wanted to indirectly enforce some sort of peace -- or at least incentivize a cold war instead of a hot one-- by making it clear that there's this ultra-powerful third party that goes around continuously to every village -- ignoring any and all security measures in place and generally startling the hell out of everyone-- and doing such things as delivering toys to children and delivering coal to politicians. "

"That's the gist of it."

"But, your plan was derailed due to .... unfortunate circumstances involving the chakra-powered sleigh you were all using to fly around to get all of this done in a single night, and while the other members are covering Leaf village right now, you still have Cloud left and you have no way to get there on time and complete the mission, since they're the one village you don't actually have insider S-ranker intel on as far as secret ways in and out, and they're actually one of the most well-defended villages at the moment due to a variety of reasons."

"Yup."

"And so you kidnapped me-- one of the inventors of the Skywalker seal and someone known for having brilliant and super amazing ideas on the spot -- to see if I could solve this problem."

"Also because we got your letter."

"Right, also because you got my letter."

"Why are you repeating all of this out loud? Are you slow, boy?"

"Sorrysorry, I'm just tired. Okay, give me a second."

Hazou did the thing.

"Alright, so let me make some seals. Get me some strong nets -- actually ninja wire might do-- that would hold up to getting hit with a lot of force constantly, and a couple big rocks. There's this seal I made called the Macerator, and get this, it actually ejects things at a velocity relative to..."



"Hazou! Hazou you have to wake up, presents! Motherfucking super duper holy shitballs presents!!"

Hazou groaned. Last night probably wasn't a weird dream then. He sat up in his bedroll and gave a "Come in" grunt. Not a second later Noburi to come barreling through the flap, gesticulating wildly and excitedly in a very not Noburi manner.

Wow.

"Bro, you're not gonna believe this! Someone came and left us all this cool shit! I mean, really ridiculous awesome shit! Kagome got like, six binders of research notes on making explosives. Keiko got a miniature chakra pony and like forty different kinds of poisons that can be applied to throwing weapons! They gave me this cool sharkskin trenchoat and and and these water jutsus -- man these water jutsus!! These are like, way better than the Ultra Mega Water Dragon Bullet of Doom, these are like the good S-ranker kill-you-if-you-see-this-used stuff!"

Hazou blinked.

Noburi stopped waving his arms around like a complete madman and reached outside the tent. He pulled a very large and colorfully wrapped box from outside, before chucking it lightly at Hazou's forehead. It bonked him lightly and then landed on his bed.

"That's yours! Open it open it openitopenit open itttttt!"

"Sheesh, fine Nobby. Chill out for a split second."

He opened the present. Inside the box was a note and --

His jaw dropped. Simultaneously, his eyes started twitching and he looked away. Noburi peered over his shoulder before his jaw hit the floor as well.

"No friggin' way. No friggin' way!"

Hazou read the note.



Not-so-foolish Little Cousin,

I suppose by now you're wondering where all the insanity of the past two days came from. Chiefly, you have me to thank for that.

But really, it is I that has to thank you.

My days in this world are numbered. Prior to receiving your letter, I had thought to spend the rest of my short life wasting away drunk on a beach. Instead, I -- the high king of traitors, murderers, and liars thrice over-- found myself yet again filled with some small amount of hope.

You, who tried so desperately to get in contact with a group of people that you rightly should have hated, all on the slim chance that they would've listened to your pleas and made the world a better place...

You have shown me that there are still people like Nagato in this world.

And so, I have used all of my cunning and intellect to arrange this 'Sagemas' plot with my former comrades. I have used the last of my strength to see it through. Given that my end draws near, I bestow upon you my summoning scroll. It is up to you to decide how best to smooth the political implications of this gesture. Use it well. I have spent what goodwill I have left with the Crows to make certain arrangements with Karranium to ease your ascension to the mantle. I have left numerous personal items and other sensitive materials with him as well for you.

I don't quite feel like detailing my long and winding road to damnation in this letter, and its probably better that none of it sees the light of day anyway.

Best of luck,

Uchiha Itachi


PS:

Mari's present was Kisame, who was once a hero of hers.

I've found talking to Kisame can solve many conundrums of the mind and spirit.

They "got along" swimmingly.

PPS:

Some advice:

If at some point you find yourself at a crossroads and the way forward is unclear...

Make the choice that leaves you happy and able to sleep at night.

It's what I wish I had done.



Hazou folded the note, and put it to the side.

"I can't believe you got a summoning scroll! What Summon Clan? Oh man, that's Keiko, me, and you that's got one now! What are the odds? Man, Akane is going to be so jealous that she doesn't have --"

Noburi was standing alone in the tent, the exit flap swinging back and forth in Hazou's wake.

"Man, and he tells me to chill out."


Ten minutes of chakra-boosted sprinting (and some yelling at the gate guard) and he caught up with them just in time. They were just outside the outer wall's safezone. He jerked to a sudden stop about a foot away from them, which earned him a weird look and two glares once they realized that he wasn't an incoming enemy ninja or a violent chakra beast ready to squish them into ninja-flavored jam.

"Look, Akane, I know we left on a bit of a weird moment and I'm really sorry for being a dunce, but--"

He was interrupted by a very load groan from Haru.

"Look, Lord Gouketsu. We're sort of on a mission here if you hadn't noticed? Get your drama settled quick so that we can get back to it." Haru snapped. "Sakura and I will be a couple hundred meters in that direction -- y'know, doing the work we were hired for -- if you need us."

Sakura rolled her eyes, but nonetheless followed Haru off into the distance.

Okay, time to try again.

"Right, so as I was saying..." Hazou began. "So, look. I know we have a lot of complicated stuff going on between us, but I was thinking about what you said earlier, and it got me thinking. We have really short lives as ninja, right? So maybe that does make a bit of sense now and then-- to just push some complicated problems off into the future and live in the moment. At the same time, I recently got some weirdly appropriate advice from an older and more experienced ninja who is probably like S-rank in living with regrets, and so I sort of figured --"

This time he was interrupted by a warbling cry and a deafening noise, as a familiar-looking mass of thorny and venomous (?) vines came crashing down through the snow-covered tree tops, not more than thirty barleycorns in front of him.

Right on top of Akane.

H̷e̶ ̴d̵i̵d̴ ̸t̶h̴e̶ ̵T̶h̴i̴n̷g̸.̵

Nope. NOPE! Fuck this shit! Not again! Fuck you, mistletoe!

Something clicked deep in his mindsoul, a thousand voices went from Disunity to Unity, and then the imagined matter in his meatbag started moving in unison with it. His awareness expanded and the true meaning of the Painted World came through.

Hazou found himself with the strength of ten Hazou's, plus (1 +1/2 + 1/4 +1/8 +...) =2!

His meatbag exploded forward, legs running along the fractures that he could sense. He moved sinuously, alien-like, vine-whips grazing his body as he flowed along the world lines without a care for safety, the geodesics which determined his victory dictating his path. He could feel the shatterpoint pulsing in tune with his movements and he knew that that was his real target. He backflipped over a strike that was coming from his blindspot, and chopped through another tentacle so that he became the mighty hero of the narrative.

Six intuitive half-steps later, and he arrived at the fulcrum. The twisting nether presented him with a choice: remain uninjured and lose Akane and die to the beast after it makes short work of the other two, or bruise your ribs and free her for her to defeat it.

This choice was not one.

He was struck in the side by a slash, and drove an axe-kick into the shatterpoint. The pile of vines holding Akane prisoner fell limp.

She roundhouse kicked it in the face of its central fruiting body, and that was that.

His awareness retreated.

He stood there, looking at her, and realized this was a whole lot more nerve wracking than a life or death fight. He tried to make the words come out, but they just didn't come out.

Sage damn it. Why now mouth? Why are you failing me in entirely new ways now of all times?


He managed to do the thing that involved the mouth making the words, kind of.

"As I was saying... I -- I... "



And then his feet were swept out from under him by a well placed kick, and suddenly he was being held sideways in midair, before something warm and soft was pressed to his mouth.

A few seconds later, they separated.

Hazou stared.

A few more seconds later, and Akane raised an eyebrow to match the smile on her face.

"Sorry, I just forgot how nice that was."

"Uh huh. I'm going to go finish my mission now. 'kay?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

...

"Hazou, are you going to move?"

"No, just drop me right here. Processing. "

"Okay."

He hit the snow covered ground with a gentle thud. While his ribs were screaming in pain, and he was laying in half a foot of freezing snow, he wasn't feeling any of those things from the painted world. He felt... it was...

He felt love, actually.

---

ME: Hey, how do we do an A Line plot of Love Actually parody but a B line plot of Ninjaverse Christmas Special Frankenstein and have them collide and come off well?

ALSO ME: Eh, just do it like the South Park guys would and don't worry about it.

ME: What about the romance stuff, how do I make that sound genuine?

ALSO ME: Inject gratuitous amounts of violence -- implied or actual-- in some way?

ME: Oh yeah thats a good idea.

And so it was.

I hope everyone found (or is finding or will find) some time to enjoy their holidays. Please take this gushy feelsy omake from me as a Sagemas present to you.