Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard open voting
- Location
- Liverpool
Huh. First Keiko, now Noburi. Looks like it's soon time to set up Ren and Kagome. Or Kagome and Deidara. I doubt the three together would work, but now I'm saying it, and we're thinking about it.
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
This is going to be the Ami date all over again, isn't it?
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
So, I think there are two main approaches to the Hagoromo dilemma:
All told, I think it's gonna have to be 2. While 1 is tempting, it's geopolitically inadvisable because we need Yuno's marriage into Leaf to be rock-solid for our plans with Isan to work. Of the methods of route 2, I most prefer socially beating them into the dirt for it. We can consult with Mari to ask if she has or thinks she could easily get any blackmail on the Hagoromo, go dig into the relevant laws, and generally plan out a way to put them in the palm of our hand.
And, like, where do they get off denying marriage to an entire clan? Are they even allowed to do that? I have a feeling like we might just be able to call them on it and go 'if you refuse to do your duty to the Will of Fire, you are betraying Konoha' or something like that. However, we should avoid going to Asuma to force the matter, because Asuma has absolute power and would definitely see this as a petty power struggle between clans and might just order Hazou to suck it up and make the apology, so if we can solve this without appealing to him we probably should.
- Circumvent them. They don't want to do a Goketsu marriage? Fine, we won't go through the Hagoromo.
- This could mean finding someone technically Hagoromo or otherwise licensed to marry and have them do it in spite of Lord Hagoromo's wishes.
- This could also mean throwing the Hagoromo the middle finger and having someone else entirely do the ceremony.
- Convince them. There are many ways they might go through with a Goketsu wedding after all.
- The most straightforward and most distasteful way would be to just give the apology.
- The problem with this is that it publicly concedes the moral high ground to the Hagoromo on homosexual relationships. We would have no grounds from then on to say that it's not actually a bad thing, since we publicly said it was.
- The next way would be to meet with them and hash out some other compromise.
- Basically buy them out. They'll talk a big game about no price comparing to their beliefs but in the end we could make some concessions that would satisfy them.
- The next next way would be to socially beat them into the dirt for even trying.
- They have a monopoly on marriage. We have a Mari. There's good odds that if Mari sets her mind to it, she could dig up or even fabricate a big scandal of the Hagoromos and we could blackmail them into retracting their objection. Or something along those lines.
- The most straightforward and most distasteful way would be to just give the apology.
The Jiraiya way would be to physically beat them into the dirt.But sadly we aren't Jiraiya.
All told, I think it's gonna have to be 2. While 1 is tempting, it's geopolitically inadvisable because we need Yuno's marriage into Leaf to be rock-solid for our plans with Isan to work. Of the methods of route 2, I most prefer socially beating them into the dirt for it. We can consult with Mari to ask if she has or thinks she could easily get any blackmail on the Hagoromo, go dig into the relevant laws, and generally plan out a way to put them in the palm of our hand.
And, like, where do they get off denying marriage to an entire clan? Are they even allowed to do that? I have a feeling like we might just be able to call them on it and go 'if you refuse to do your duty to the Will of Fire, you are betraying Konoha' or something like that. However, we should avoid going to Asuma to force the matter, because Asuma has absolute power and would definitely see this as a petty power struggle between clans and might just order Hazou to suck it up and make the apology, so if we can solve this without appealing to him we probably should.
- Location
- Pacific standard
Easy. We don't do a leaf wedding, we do an Isan wedding to honor the culture and traditions she came from.
Keiko had a leaf wedding, but we can handwave that away as mist and leaf already being allies, so duh of course she still has access to her old culture, while Yuno is the ambassador. She gives it up so no one else has to.
Sets a precedent empowering immigrants and undermines our enemies all while not costing us a thing. Sure we have to deal with it again in the future when we have more people getting married, but that's a future!quest problem, and screw those guys
Keiko had a leaf wedding, but we can handwave that away as mist and leaf already being allies, so duh of course she still has access to her old culture, while Yuno is the ambassador. She gives it up so no one else has to.
Sets a precedent empowering immigrants and undermines our enemies all while not costing us a thing. Sure we have to deal with it again in the future when we have more people getting married, but that's a future!quest problem, and screw those guys
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
I'm not crying, you're crying.
Edit: fuck the Hagoromo. First they're openly cruel to Keiko and now they're refusing to officiate Yuno's marriage to Noburi? Nope. We'll throw them an Isan Style Wedding that'll be talk of Leaf for CENTURIES!!! They don't want to officiate Hazou's wedding to whomever?? Whelp, time to follow in Jiraiya and Mari's footsteps! They don't like it, we can say that we're following in the example of our clan's founder. They can't say anything to that without disrespecting the dead or their own clan traditions. And anyone who still kicks up a fuss? No trade network access. Besides, I'm all down for ruining the entire Hagoromo clan now. Keiko had a plan, right? Let's do it and burn the entire clan to the ground. (*Mad cackling*)
Edit: fuck the Hagoromo. First they're openly cruel to Keiko and now they're refusing to officiate Yuno's marriage to Noburi? Nope. We'll throw them an Isan Style Wedding that'll be talk of Leaf for CENTURIES!!! They don't want to officiate Hazou's wedding to whomever?? Whelp, time to follow in Jiraiya and Mari's footsteps! They don't like it, we can say that we're following in the example of our clan's founder. They can't say anything to that without disrespecting the dead or their own clan traditions. And anyone who still kicks up a fuss? No trade network access. Besides, I'm all down for ruining the entire Hagoromo clan now. Keiko had a plan, right? Let's do it and burn the entire clan to the ground. (*Mad cackling*)
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- Location
- Yes.
...So how do people get married in Tanzaku Gai?
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
So... Who else would totally be down for a Yuno pov in the near future? We can get her perspective on Uplift as a philosophy, Hazou's eccentricities, Kagome's paranoia, Mari's habitual seduction, Keiko being casually terrifying, and Noburi being Noburi. Yuno's awesome as a side character and she did just go through this major life event...
Unaligned Player
Agony that desires to meet Extinction
- Location
- Adrift between sanity and madness
- Pronouns
- Shrug
[X] Yuno interlude
- Location
- Hiding
Get married in a non-Leaf Fire country city was my first thought.
For the sake of pretending to contribute, we could have them get married in Hot Springs. They're basically the Vegas of the EN anyhow, if they aren't doing Vegas weddings already they should thank us for the idea.
Bloody ninjas and their F5 buttons!
For the sake of pretending to contribute, we could have them get married in Hot Springs. They're basically the Vegas of the EN anyhow, if they aren't doing Vegas weddings already they should thank us for the idea.
- Location
- The state of Paranoia
So this is the point where Lailoken says he told us so. The only thing that saved it all was Noburi.
Uh oh.
Oh, hello there conscious mind. Good of you to notice that the things subconscious has been screaming about for ages are Lois Lowry vibes. You two should talk more.
She's a sin-eater. Satsuko is what she uses as a sink.
This is mostly be a social and political issue. Getting married without respecting Leaf tradition and getting formal blessing would be an enormous hit to the Goeketsu barbarians in particular.
-so, create special circumstances which nobody can argue don't justify an exception. Get Asuma to formalize the alliances with Sand and Mist and use the wedding as an appropriately representational international celebration of it. Sand is already begging, and trouble in Tea might well indicate that the inevitable conflict between Lightning and Mist over Mist's control of their only land trade route is beginning to boil over. Preeeeety sure that the clan will bow to the pressure instead of angering three Kages while cutting themselves out of the most notable ceremony in living memory. If they don't, well, destination wedding. Mist is supposed to be nice this time of year. I would recommend inviting Hinata to give a toast, but I suspect that she'll have to beg it off due to having a frog in her throat.
Oh, might also want to mention this to Tsunade. She seems to approve of Noburi, and rumor has it that she has a really big thing about weddings. Pipsqueak clan might think twice about publicly irritating the most important clan and most beloved person in Leaf history.
"Aunt Sunny! We're getting married! It's going to be a huge party with an open bar and afterwards everybody's going to go play games at our private tavern-slash-casino!"
*NEXT DAY*
"Ummm... I'm really sorry, but we have to reschedule. Everything's kinda on pause right now because the Hagoromo say they won't officiate for anybody in the clan. Apparently, we offended tradition and decorum because Keiko likes girls. Oddly enough, they're still fine with the Nara."
If we're really, really angry, mention the situation and their reasoning to Keiko, Snowflake, and Ami.
She's a sin-eater. Satsuko is what she uses as a sink.
This is mostly be a social and political issue. Getting married without respecting Leaf tradition and getting formal blessing would be an enormous hit to the Goeketsu barbarians in particular.
-so, create special circumstances which nobody can argue don't justify an exception. Get Asuma to formalize the alliances with Sand and Mist and use the wedding as an appropriately representational international celebration of it. Sand is already begging, and trouble in Tea might well indicate that the inevitable conflict between Lightning and Mist over Mist's control of their only land trade route is beginning to boil over. Preeeeety sure that the clan will bow to the pressure instead of angering three Kages while cutting themselves out of the most notable ceremony in living memory. If they don't, well, destination wedding. Mist is supposed to be nice this time of year. I would recommend inviting Hinata to give a toast, but I suspect that she'll have to beg it off due to having a frog in her throat.
Oh, might also want to mention this to Tsunade. She seems to approve of Noburi, and rumor has it that she has a really big thing about weddings. Pipsqueak clan might think twice about publicly irritating the most important clan and most beloved person in Leaf history.
"Aunt Sunny! We're getting married! It's going to be a huge party with an open bar and afterwards everybody's going to go play games at our private tavern-slash-casino!"
*NEXT DAY*
"Ummm... I'm really sorry, but we have to reschedule. Everything's kinda on pause right now because the Hagoromo say they won't officiate for anybody in the clan. Apparently, we offended tradition and decorum because Keiko likes girls. Oddly enough, they're still fine with the Nara."
If we're really, really angry, mention the situation and their reasoning to Keiko, Snowflake, and Ami.
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- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
Wait wait wait. The Hagoromo won't conduct Goketsu marriages, and Leaf weddings are conducted by Hagoromo priests or priests directly affiliated with them.
We can just bribe a non-Hagoromo priest to do the job for us at the cost of Hagoromo ire, and it'd be perfectly legit.
Goddammit, you beat me to it.
I do love the idea of him standing there in the middle of Konoha just calmly reciting scripture of the blood god before the blushing lovers while the whole time the entire leaf military throws everything they have at him to zero effect. He and Yuno, or Satsuko, would probably be instant friends.
At this point it's become so routine that my heart isn't even in it anymore.
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- Pronouns
- They/Them
I'm usually the guy screaming about treason, but the memes are singing their siren song, and I can but answer.
- Location
- London
- Pronouns
- He/Him/They/Them
Does "all" Leaf weddings include non-ninja weddings? If not, that is one option to consider.
So, I have an idea. While tradition dictates that Hagoromo priests officiate weddings, tradition is not necessarily law. The idea, I think, is that a marriage should be blessed by the faith, lest the spirits curse the wedding. The thing is though... the Hagoromo are no longer the only game in town. There's another faith. Another church. One which the Hyuga cannot gainsay without tarnishing their own honor. Or at least Neji's honor.
I am of course talking about the Church of Youth. Bonus points if we can get Neji as the officiating priest.
Seriously though, I think it works. As long as there isn't a legal requirement for a Hagoromo priest to officiate the wedding, then it can work. Further, we could see if the Youth Church would be willing to officiate "non-traditional" matches like Keiko and Tenten's. If they are, we could then offer our formal apology to the Hagoromo for "making them" violate their faith, and simply say "We apologize for that, and want to ensure that you aren't forced to do that again, given the requirements of the law in Leaf. It wouldn't do to have the honorable Hagoromo put in such a position where they'd be in such conflict with the law. As such, we have talked with the Church of Youth, and they will be willing to perform ceremonies for any couple wishing for a lawful match that the Hagoromo feel would violate their faith to perform." BAM, we've answered their insult by threatening their monopoly on marriage ceremonies, and it's up to them whether they cave or not. We should run all this by the clan of course, but I think it's a solid enough idea.
...the other option is to ask Asuma if we can contact Hidan and have him officiate the marriage between Noburi and his yandere axe murderer waifu. I'm sure he'd approve! Hidan, that is, not Asuma.
I am of course talking about the Church of Youth. Bonus points if we can get Neji as the officiating priest.
Seriously though, I think it works. As long as there isn't a legal requirement for a Hagoromo priest to officiate the wedding, then it can work. Further, we could see if the Youth Church would be willing to officiate "non-traditional" matches like Keiko and Tenten's. If they are, we could then offer our formal apology to the Hagoromo for "making them" violate their faith, and simply say "We apologize for that, and want to ensure that you aren't forced to do that again, given the requirements of the law in Leaf. It wouldn't do to have the honorable Hagoromo put in such a position where they'd be in such conflict with the law. As such, we have talked with the Church of Youth, and they will be willing to perform ceremonies for any couple wishing for a lawful match that the Hagoromo feel would violate their faith to perform." BAM, we've answered their insult by threatening their monopoly on marriage ceremonies, and it's up to them whether they cave or not. We should run all this by the clan of course, but I think it's a solid enough idea.
...the other option is to ask Asuma if we can contact Hidan and have him officiate the marriage between Noburi and his yandere axe murderer waifu. I'm sure he'd approve! Hidan, that is, not Asuma.
- Location
- America
I really like the idea of an Isan-style wedding. It neatly circumvents the Hagoromo while still being fully legitimate. It could also be paired with the announcement of an alliance between Isan and Leaf. (I forget what happened to Isan, are they dead??)
A somewhat likely issue is see popping up is that we'd need a priest or priests from Isan to perform the ceremony. Isan might also have impossible customs that Yuno will object to going without, or customs so barbaric that Leaf would never accept it.
For example, eating a still-living baby animal in front of a crowd would probably not go over well, and could easily be an Isan wedding tradition.
Still worth looking into, but I'd recommend having a backup plan since there are so many possible issues.
And yeah we definitely shouldn't ask Asuma to step in. He'd probably say that harmony between clans is more important than gay rights and force the Goketsu to apologize. We could still ask Asuma for aid in announcing an Isan alliance + celebratory marriage though, which would add extra legitimacy to the marriage.
And if Isan-style weddings don't work, bribing/blackmailing an affiliated priest seems like our best bet. If we do that though, we should still try to negotiate with the Hagoromo first so we can claim we were "forced" into doing this and didn't want to circumvent them.
I don't know if the Church of Youth is regarded highly enough in Leaf to safely officiate a marriage. I can't take it seriously due to all the memes, but Leaf opinion might be very good since they are so good to civilians.
Edit: we should all listen to Lailoken more often, he knows what's up.
A somewhat likely issue is see popping up is that we'd need a priest or priests from Isan to perform the ceremony. Isan might also have impossible customs that Yuno will object to going without, or customs so barbaric that Leaf would never accept it.
For example, eating a still-living baby animal in front of a crowd would probably not go over well, and could easily be an Isan wedding tradition.
Still worth looking into, but I'd recommend having a backup plan since there are so many possible issues.
And yeah we definitely shouldn't ask Asuma to step in. He'd probably say that harmony between clans is more important than gay rights and force the Goketsu to apologize. We could still ask Asuma for aid in announcing an Isan alliance + celebratory marriage though, which would add extra legitimacy to the marriage.
And if Isan-style weddings don't work, bribing/blackmailing an affiliated priest seems like our best bet. If we do that though, we should still try to negotiate with the Hagoromo first so we can claim we were "forced" into doing this and didn't want to circumvent them.
I don't know if the Church of Youth is regarded highly enough in Leaf to safely officiate a marriage. I can't take it seriously due to all the memes, but Leaf opinion might be very good since they are so good to civilians.
Edit: we should all listen to Lailoken more often, he knows what's up.
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Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
This note puzzles me because it only makes sense if Hinata didn't actually expect Yuno to pick Neji. Why else include that unnecessary bit of info?
Maybe Clan Heir Hinata included that to show Yuno that even if she chose Noburi that she couldn't get married in Leaf, but I like to think that the real reason is that Friend of Noburi Hinata actually wanted Yuno to marry the person she loved.