Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
- Location
- The state of Paranoia
[X] Shadow Clone SOP: Akane Decoding
Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
This includes training SC.
She was taught SC specifically to do that faster.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Just remembered we need clarification on this. Is IV's interpretation here correct or does Yuno marrying into the clan not require an adoption ticket? @eaglejarl @Velorien
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
I feel as if the answer to this was given and it was along the lines of "Yes, because you are adding a ninja to the clan that wasn't originally/already in the clan." ?
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Yes, Yuno marrying into a Leaf clan will require an adoption slot.
Hrmmm, I wish I had thought of this while the contest was going on, but if the adoption tokens are already transferable it wouldn't take much of a change to assign them to specific users such that when one dies or is cast out their token becomes available again. Probably not to Goeketsu's competitive advantage, but I'd bet that Mari could figure out how to game it.
If the token defaulted to the open market via random distribution it would gradually promote natural balance between all the clans. If clans were required to secure one for each new birth to be covered by the tax laws it might promote the sort of informal cadet branches Goeketsu has a running start on. Clans would probably wait until a prospective child had proven themselves and graduated before investing in one, which would promote meritocracy and reduce distinctions within cohorts during childhood years. Heck, a civilian-born ninja could theoretically save up and purchase one for themselves to start their own new clan.
Also, since Yuna is out we should probably ask Ino for advice and/or help winning over Noda.
If the token defaulted to the open market via random distribution it would gradually promote natural balance between all the clans. If clans were required to secure one for each new birth to be covered by the tax laws it might promote the sort of informal cadet branches Goeketsu has a running start on. Clans would probably wait until a prospective child had proven themselves and graduated before investing in one, which would promote meritocracy and reduce distinctions within cohorts during childhood years. Heck, a civilian-born ninja could theoretically save up and purchase one for themselves to start their own new clan.
Also, since Yuna is out we should probably ask Ino for advice and/or help winning over Noda.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
At least wait for the update to come out before we decide on this lmao
We still don't actually know Noburi is getting dumped yet or whatever
Also Sakura gang for life
Again, dumped is the best case scenario. I realize that it is practically tautological in this quest, but something terrible is about to happen.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying let's not count our chakra chickens before they explode
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
I'm denying the death/dump flag with all my might. I'm going to pretend that the happy, heartfelt scene was just that: a happy heartfelt scene.
I'm alright with getting Sakura adopted into the clan, though I kinda fail to see what we might bring her. We're a clan of primarily sealmasters and Summoners. Sakura is neither, and Mari is retired. The most that the Goketsu have to our name is Hazou's civilian/Clanless works (and that could be matched by the new KEI clan/organization) and a killbox room with Hazou's name on a shiny, bloodstained plaque. I'm alright with bringing her in, I just wonder if she'd even want to join us. (Well, I suppose that the trade network will bring in a mountain of money, but there are other wealthier clans she could join, if she were so inclined).
Point being, bringing Sakura over to the Treasonous Side... I mean. Into the Goketsu Clan might be more difficult than we suspect. Though that we have Akane and Haru with us is a plus in our favor.
I'm alright with getting Sakura adopted into the clan, though I kinda fail to see what we might bring her. We're a clan of primarily sealmasters and Summoners. Sakura is neither, and Mari is retired. The most that the Goketsu have to our name is Hazou's civilian/Clanless works (and that could be matched by the new KEI clan/organization) and a killbox room with Hazou's name on a shiny, bloodstained plaque. I'm alright with bringing her in, I just wonder if she'd even want to join us. (Well, I suppose that the trade network will bring in a mountain of money, but there are other wealthier clans she could join, if she were so inclined).
Point being, bringing Sakura over to the Treasonous Side... I mean. Into the Goketsu Clan might be more difficult than we suspect. Though that we have Akane and Haru with us is a plus in our favor.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Mostly I see her as a useful resource socially, since she has good relations with Naruto and Sasuke. On top of that, we need a field replacement for Mari since Mari is retired and Sakura has the same skillset, albeit at a lower level. Mari would probably be a far better teacher than what Sakura gets out of being clanless, so she would have access to an arsenal of useful genjutsu and infiltration techniques, something she could only get out of books or the goodwill of random masters, considering her original teacher is dead. The fact that she could nearly keep up with Naruto and Sasuke despite having far fewer privileges than them gives me good vibes. Also, this is more of a footnote, but she might help smooth out the distance between the rest of the clan and Haru.
So, I would argue we have plenty to offer her. Even just having access to clan resources at all is pretty huge for clanless, and Mari would be a really great resource for Sakura too.
Edit: One more thing:
First off, we actually are among the wealthiest clans AFAIK. However, even if we weren't, you make it sound like she can join other clans at her leisure, which might not actually be the case. We may be the only clan interested in her, and thus better than no clan at all.
Last edited:
Noda. Not just a technique hacker, but a technique creator. Imagine the synergy when collaborating with a sealmaster on a project.
If only there were some way to gain the assured loyalty of a Yamanaka- or indeed a whole clan of them, all without spending an adoption ticket.
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
True, but this hinges in Mari being willing to train someone in genjutsu-ing people. I know pre-Leaf she had reservations about teaching genjutsu (or maybe it was just her unique genjutsu?), so we probably shouldn't assume Mari would do more than give Sakura the occasional pointer, if even that much. I mean, Mari wanted to retire for a reason, and asking her to train Sakura feels a bit too close to trying to get Mari out of retirement for my comfort...
Edit: and if Mari takes this half-step back into "active duty," then we might see more normal responsibilities placed upon her. Right now she's not subject to Jonin missions because she's fully retired, but if she starts to train people, then the ninja community in Leaf might see that as her being active enough for duty (a la John Wick) again. Might need to check that, too.
Oh, I'm definitely also in favor of Noda, but I also recognize that we might not have time it would take to help Noda become functional again.
Like I said in a previous post, when Noda wasn't blackout drunk, I found her interesting... But she became pretty self destructive and antagonist when she was (which was most of her on-screen time). And, last we saw her, Noda had no desire to get over her addiction, so we'd also be working against Nida, herself, to try and get her clean.
(Edit: finished post because mobile is stupid)
Last edited:
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Who said anything about Yamanaka? Neither Naruto nor Sasuke are Yamanaka, so this seems like a very random rebuttal. Which part is this supposed to be referring to?
From what I remembered, she just didn't want to teach Truth Lost in Fog, but I could be wrong about that. Also, idk what you're talking about bc Mari has been going on non-stop seduction/infiltration missions within Leaf for political purposes, with flagrant use of genjutsu. It's not like she's just lounging around for her "retirement", she's just tired of killing people.
I also don't really follow the logic of the community expecting her to rejoin the fray if she's passing on her techniques. If anything they'd be grateful to be getting any more mileage out of her than her having literally nothing to do with ninja stuff.
For the record I also like Noda, but she's going to take a serious amount of work before she's helpful to us, and I kinda don't want to add another member to mental health quest lol
Last edited:
Chapter 373: A Matter of Custom
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Chapter 373: A Matter of Custom
It was late at night by the time Noburi had finished admiring and stowing away his presents (and if he'd spent a decent chunk of that time in front of the mirror, experimenting with the coat, the pendant, and the scarf in combination with the rest of his wardrobe, that was nothing more than respecting the givers' feelings), but there was one more thing to do before he could feel the day was done. He needed to ask Yuno about that blindfold. Isan's customs were complex and many-layered, and he wasn't clear on whether the strip of cloth was something you hung on a wall as a treasured possession, took with you to formal storytelling events (did Leaf have anything like that? He'd have to check it out), or wore whenever you were telling a story, on pain of invoking Kanda Yukari's curse. Not that he expected Kanda's ghost to care much about some random foreigner wearing a blindfold not made in Isan and not bestowed in an Isan ritual, but Yuno might, and Noburi would concede a point to Hyūga before he let himself insult the spirit of her gift. It was no longer an hour for visiting people—Hazō would already be fast asleep, Kagome would have his private security measures up and ready to incinerate, and Keiko's room, while currently unused, still had a copy of the List stuck next to the door as a reminder—but Yuno was a poor sleeper, for reasons that didn't take a Yamanaka to guess at, so there was every chance she was still awake, and would be grateful for a distraction.
And awake she was. Awake, fully-dressed, and in the process of writing a letter, as best he could guess from the glimpse of the desk behind her.
"Noburi?!" Yuno exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to ask you about your present," Noburi said. "Can I come in?"
Yuno stepped back to let him in, and that was when Noburi began to get a sense that something was off.
"This seems like a strange time to go on a journey," he said carefully. "Did I miss something?"
The enormous, heavy-duty rucksack was Yuno's favourite, and she never got tired of telling the story of how she'd won it gambling with a yakuza group during her wanderings across the continent (even Mari had had trouble getting the blood out of the fabric). It was also currently full to bursting, while the shelves of her room stood bare.
"I was in the middle of writing you a note," Yuno said. "These things are best done in writing. This is known."
"Well, I'm here now," Noburi said. "Could you please tell me what's going on?"
"Here," Yuno said. "It's probably simplest to show you these."
The first letter bore the Tower's seal. Noburi, still dazed, skimmed it quickly. "Troubling reports from Tea… condition of Leaf citizenship… ceremony by the end of the month…"
The letter sent a chill through him. This was it. A deadline. His time was running out. He'd known that he was going to marry her, once and for all, but in his mind it had been somewhere in the nebulous "future", and now that future had suddenly barged into reality, waiting for him mere weeks away. Could he really prepare himself so fast? Did he even have a choice?
Wait. Before he could start panicking about that, there was a second letter. Unlike the Hokage's, it didn't contain any ominous hints that he could spot, or imply dire consequences for refusal, but for all that, it was by far the more terrifying.
Dearest Yuno,
I enjoyed having tea with you the other day. Thank you for being patient with my cousin—Neji is a good man, but hopeless in affairs of the heart. I assure you, he feels the deepest affection for you, and just doesn't know how to express it.
Still, as one woman to another, I'm sure you must be frustrated with his uncertainty and indecisiveness. That's why I've decided to honour my duty as his clan head and lend him the strength of my resolve. I have given him the order to marry you. Neji may not understand a woman's heart, but he is both loyal and dutiful. I know that once you two are married, he will strive his hardest to make you happy.
If you are prepared to accept his feelings, then please come to the Hyūga compound whenever you're ready. We have already prepared a room for you, and our astrologer is busy calculating the most auspicious days for the wedding.
I can't wait to welcome you into our family.
With heartfelt fondness,
Hyūga Hinata
Noburi had been stupid to dismiss Hyūga just because his would-be rival was unsightly, impenetrably dense, possessed of the seduction talents of a dead fish, and virulently xenophobic. This had always been about more than him and Yuno. This was about politics, and politics was a game between clans. He'd forgotten, somehow, that the entire plan of Yuno marrying into Leaf had been concocted by Hyūga Hiashi, and that it hadn't even been intended to be a competition until Yuno's unresolved feelings had entered the picture.
"When?" he asked.
"They came while you were away at the mine," Yuno said. "Really, I should have gone then, but… I guess Neji wasn't the only one who needed more resolve."
"Y-You're serious," Noburi said. "You're choosing to marry Hyūga instead of me. Yuno, why? What can he possibly have that I don't?"
"He wants to marry me," Yuno said simply. "Or at least, he will marry me, and then I can make sure it's what he wants. Satsuko has all kinds of ideas for how."
"Yuno, I want to marry you!" Noburi exclaimed. "By myself, without my clan head having to bully me into it!"
Yuno gave a small, sad smile. "No, Noburi, you don't. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to understand."
"What? Why would you ever say that?"
"Noburi," Yuno said, "I've been here for half a year. You could have taken me to the Betrothal Stone at any time. Instead, you just kept… having fun. It's been nice, but I've spent too long waiting. It seems like the Hokage agrees."
"B-But Yuno," Noburi sputtered, "you must know Leaf doesn't have a Betrothal Stone. That's an Isan custom!"
Yuno slowly sat down on the bed. "I'm not stupid, Noburi. I know Leaf can be a very uncivilised place. But what did you do? Did you stand outside my window reciting the Seeker's Poem from memory from dusk to dawn without getting a single syllable wrong or falling asleep? Did you offer me a wreath of bloodflowers with their venom drained into a chalice? Did you sneak into the Occult Chamber and leave a sacrifice for me on the forbidden altar?"
Noburi stared at her. "Yuno, how am I supposed to do any of those things? I never learned the Seeker's Poem, I don't think bloodflowers grow near Leaf, and I've never even heard of the one with the Occult Chamber."
"So what did you do?" Yuno asked. "Leaf must have its own barbaric customs. You could even have followed one of Mist's barbaric customs instead—it's not as if that makes a difference to me."
Noburi wasn't actually sure what Mist's barbaric customs were. The older generation probably did, but for as long as Noburi had been alive, and as far as he knew, the "proper" way to get married was to submit a joint application to the Mizukage's Office and have it approved. The Mizukage had disdained superstition, and had not acknowledged the kami, the ancestors, or fate itself to have authority above that of his bureaucracy.
Leaf's barbaric customs weren't clear to him either, now he thought about it. Both Mari and Keiko's marriages had been ordered by a higher authority (the Hokage and the clan head respectively). None of the parties involved had ever needed to do anything to make sure they got married, other than turn up on the day. Beyond that, Noburi had never really been interested.
But before any of that…
"First of all," he demanded, "why would you expect me to do any of that stuff? This whole setup was about you choosing who you wanted for your husband. You already knew I wanted to marry you."
A wry, subtly pained expression crossed her face. "Why are there marriage customs at all? Asking someone in front of the Betrothal Stone means publicly appealing to the ancestors for their blessing, knowing they might curse you if your heart isn't pure, or you're aiming too far above your station, or you secretly love another. Reciting the Seeker's Poem proves you're ready and able to push yourself to the limit for your loved one's affection. Gathering bloodflowers in bloom means you're willing to risk both your life and your sanity to prove yourself. Every custom is a way to tell the other person who you are, and who you think they are, how much you care about marrying them, and how much you care about doing it right. For yourself, for your village, and for your children, so that you can be a good parent and your children won't end up unclean.
"Do you remember when you asked me if I was single in front of the Betrothal Stone? My heart sang, because finally, finally, everything was going to be right. Then you and Grandfather reminded me who and where I was. I wasn't born to be happy, or to make others happy. I don't know why I was.
"Lady Hinata's offer is 'right'. It's not romantic, and it's not what I dreamed of, but the head of a clan speaks with the voice of the founders. That's a custom every ninja everywhere has to believe in."
Noburi stared at her, aghast. "Do you even want to marry him?"
"It was always going to be someone like him," Yuno said. "I mean, not that I expected to marry anyone at all, never mind a Summoner, but he's a good match for me. His hatred just needs honing into something sharper. It's not enough to be angry at the world—that just means you're not lying to yourself about what you see. You have to hate, and that hatred has to be focused if it's going to give you the strength to live. Otherwise, it just leaks away through the cracks and leaves you empty. I can teach him. I think it'll feel good to have something to give for once."
She looked down at Satsuko. Her gaze lingered, and Noburi could have sworn that for a tiny fraction of a second it did so without its usual warm affection. She looked up again.
"I don't think he'll let me see colours… but I guess that's fine. It's not like I miss them that much anyway."
The sense of wrongness was all-pervading. It was like smoke suffusing the room, wispy and grey, but ever ready to turn deeper and darker.
Noburi couldn't let this happen. It was a matter of instinct, beyond any attempt to judge whether she was right or wrong. Yuno would not be happy with Hyūga. Or worse, she would be, because facing the light hurt when your eyes were used to the dark, and with him, she could make her peace with turning her back and walking deeper into the darkness.
Screw custom. If the "right" thing to do for Yuno was to keep going on the path she'd been following all her life, then he would make sure she did the wrong thing, and keep doing it until that became right. If there was one thing Hazō had taught him, it was that nothing was set in stone. Hazō had shown him that if you fought hard enough, the common sense of the shinobi world could be overturned. The place where you made your stand would be home to a new common sense of its own, and what was once impossible would become the new default.
But the price would be Noburi marrying Yuno. It felt like the end. Noburi had never even had a girlfriend—Yuno herself had been the closest, in a relationship that had been a lie from day one. There were countless experiences he had never had and would never have. Countless people—countless kinds of people—he'd never get to try dating. Forget the harem; with Yuno, he wasn't even sure he'd be allowed to have female friends. What else would change? What else would he no longer get a say in after the ceremony? What would he do when things went wrong and there was no longer anywhere to run?
He hadn't thought about it before. He hadn't wanted to. It seemed like everything was working out, and it seemed like it would carry on forever. He'd known that there was a deadline looming on the horizon, and a choice to be made, but he'd done everything he could not to make it. Other people's lives were his business, and his own was doing perfectly fine on autopilot.
The choice was here now, and it paralysed him. He could say nothing. He could do nothing, and then Yuno would become a Hyūga, and maybe that would be good enough. Things would stay the same. He would continue having a life. Who could blame him?
And the idea of marrying someone so he could save them? It was crazy talk to begin with. He was just Gōketsu Noburi. What did he know about the depths of the human heart? When she talked about seeing colours, how could someone like him even know what that meant, much less how to give them back to her after a lifetime of abuse had taken them away? The idea that he could fix anything just by being the one to marry her was so arrogant it was a miracle the granite floor wasn't collapsing under the weight of his ego.
Yuno stood up to throw away the farewell letter she no longer needed. There was a weariness to her motions.
Noburi could have said goodbye then, once and for all, but he was missing something.
Noburi had a very sharp sense for when people were missing something (he wondered if it was in the bloodline of the resupply clan). Sometimes it was a well-chosen compliment. Sometimes it was a mediator for people talking past each other, or a forgotten umbrella, or a joke to lighten the mood. Often it was a mug of hot chocolate.
What was it that Noburi was missing right now?
He studied Yuno as she turned to face him, drinking in every detail as though it was his last chance, because maybe it was. Her long, smooth pink hair, with its two adorable hair ties (she'd changed the straight ribbons out for criss-crossing ones after a few months in Leaf, and he and Akane were the only ones who'd noticed). Her skin, naturally pale but with an eternal slight tan from all the outdoor training. Her muscles, strong and supple, clearly defined without bulging out. Her breasts, offering tantalising hints of grandeur beyond what her usual outfits outlined (though he knew full well what would happen if he ever tried to put himself in a position to find out). Her waist, inexplicably slim given her healthy appetite. Satsuko, as much a part of her as any other, gleaming with a sinister light as if to say, "You know there is only one way things can end between us". And finally, Yuno's eyes, bottomless pools that held everything from gentle pink affection to the passionate red of endlessly-pouring blood.
Noburi was officially the dumbest man alive. He made Hyūga look like a radiant pillar of intellect. He'd got the damaged half of the brain the ancestors split between him and Yasuji. He was the anti-Keiko.
Forget what he stood to lose by marrying her. Forget whether he could save her. The most important question, the question he should have asked first, was how Gōketsu Noburi felt about Gasai Yuno.
"Stay here," he told her urgently. "Don't move a muscle. Pretend all the asuras in the world are lurking on the other side of this door, waiting for you to make a move. I'll be back in one minute."
Ten minutes later, he stood before a puzzled-looking Yuno, box in hand.
"Yuno," he began, "maybe it's too late for me to say this—actually, scratch that, it's way too late for me to say this—but I'm going to say it anyway, because it's the truth, and I won't forgive myself if I don't make sure you hear it.
"You're more than I thought one person could be. You were born beautiful, but then you add your own effort on top, and suddenly your looks become hypnotic. I could just sit and watch you for hours if you'd let me.
"You're loving and warm, even after everything that's happened to you. I could be a blind man, and I'd still be drawn to you for the way you try to make people happy without asking whether they deserve it.
"You're strong, impossibly strong. You lived in an abyss where the pressure crushes everything, and you came out of it not just uncrushed but by far one of the strongest people I know. I'd call you a role model for facing adversity if I thought I could ever survive what you did.
"You're strong in the other sense too. You have a perfect killer instinct, you treat fear as a friend, and every time I see you, your axe swings are just that little bit more powerful and precise and terrifying. One day you're going to be a monster, and on that day I'll be even gladder than today that you're a master of keeping monsters under control.
"You feel things deeply. So many ninja let themselves become callous to take away the pain, but you've kept your heart open against all the odds. You told me you don't miss colours, but that's a lie. It hurts you to know that the colours are there when you can't see them, but you still choose to live in a world where they're real, and that may be the most beautiful thing of all about you.
"You said that the point of a marriage custom is to tell you who I am, and who I think you are, and how much I care about marrying you, and how much I care about doing it right. Then this is my marriage custom, unique to Gōketsu Noburi, to be used once and once only."
He stretched out his hands, resting the slim wooden box on his upturned palms.
"My first teacher gave this to me, at the beginning of the path I chose for myself. I want to walk the rest of that path together with you. Gasai Yuno, this is the key to my heart. Please accept it."
Silently, Yuno opened the box. Inside lay Hashimoto-sensei's scalpel, polished with a gleam as bright as Satsuko's was dark.
"You were right," she whispered after a second. "I had missed them."
With the utmost care, she put the box on the desk behind her.
Then, she finally embraced barbarian rules of courtship and hugged him so hard it hurt.
-o-
Looks: *****
Pros: Beautiful, caring, sensitive, enduring, older girl
Cons:
-o-
There was a note with Hinata's letter to Yuno. Hinata gives you advance warning that the Hagoromo have stated they will not be conducting any weddings for the Gōketsu Clan until you offer a formal apology for making them bless Keiko's marriage "in violation of their faith". She adds that, per tradition, all Leaf weddings are conducted by Hagoromo priests, or priests directly affiliated with them.
-o-
What do you do?
Voting closes on Saturday 19th of September, 9 a.m. New York time.
Last edited:
Unaligned Player
Agony that desires to meet Extinction
- Location
- Adrift between sanity and madness
- Pronouns
- Shrug
Um. Yay? *Somewhat Ambivalent Clapping*
- Location
- Yes.
I will observe that Jiraiya and Mari never had a wedding ceremony, even though they were 'married' in the eyes of the law.
- Location
- Liverpool
And when we have Jiraiya level of clout/power/Authority, we can try to pull that as well. Until then, find an associated priest that we can bend/bribe without backing off our values?
- Location
- Yes.
but muh stupid loophole abuse
