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Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

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We should have that uwutizer bot translate the entirety of mfd. Not just the story, but the planning, wmd making, keiko fanclubbing etc.

Edit: if the chapter doesn't drop in 10 minutes we're legally allowed to rez Jiraiya
 
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Chapter 272: Binding Alliances
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    • "Well, mighty leader, I'm assuming that you're ready for me to take that amazing deal back to the Uchiha? Perhaps even with a bit of praise showered upon me beforehand?"

    Mari twirled, rising up on her toes and posing like a tavern dancer for a moment, then relaxed into a more normal stance. Her face lost its giddy expression when she saw what was in Hazō's hands. "Or, judging by your expression and the fact that the scroll you're holding is not the one I gave you, perhaps you feel inclined to make some 'helpful' suggestions that I will no doubt be required to go and negotiate?"

    "Actually, yes," Hazō said, refusing to have the wind taken out of his sails. "The deal you brought me was good, and you did a fantastic job negotiating it, but there are a couple points that need to be added."

    Mari gave an exaggerated sigh and flopped into the chair across from him, thumping her feet up onto the coffee table. Noburi, Akane, and Kagome, sitting on the couch in between their Clan Head and matriarch, struggled to suppress their giggles.

    "Lay it on me," Mari said, resigned.

    "Right. First off, the Hagoromo deal is perfect. Signed and sealed. Do you want to deliver it, should I, or should one of the others?"

    Mari shook her head. "I'll take it. Stop stalling and give me the bad news."

    "It's not bad news," Hazō said defensively. "More like...tweaks. On the Uchiha contract."

    "Uh-huh. How many 'do this or I walk away' items do you have?"

    "Um...three."

    Mari let her head fall into her hands, shaking it dramatically. She looked to the ceiling, raising her hands imploringly. "Why, O Mighty Sage? Why must you torment me so? Have I not served faithfully and well, turning my every effort and thought to the advancement of your goals?"

    "Actually, sensei," Akane said, "I think the Sage's goal was peace and harmony. Given that you, as a ninja, have perpetrated many acts of theft and murder, I doubt that—"

    "Don't harsh my buzz, okay kid? Hazō, let's have it."

    "Right. So, first, I need to be sure that the women are not being threatened or coerced in any way. If they are being forced to have kids against their will, the deal is off. If at any point one of them wants to opt out of the deal, she can, and she'll either stay with the Gōketsu or be re-adopted into the Uchiha as she sees fit."

    Mari blinked. "You're serious? You're insisting that the Uchiha, who are eager to cut expenses and absolutely frantic to get more ninja babies, not only allow one of their brood mares to opt out, but also that they be forced to take her back?"

    "Yes," Hazō said firmly. "Either they agree that the women can opt out and be adopted back into the Uchiha if she wants to be or there's no deal."

    Akane started to say something but Mari waved her to silence. "Don't bother. Hazō's got the bit in his teeth and we all know what happens now. Nothing to do but clean up the mess."

    "But won't they just—"

    "Hush," Mari said firmly. "Let it go." She turned back to Hazō. "Fine. I can sell that as long as you're willing to let the Uchiha replace her."

    "Yes, that works. If one of the women opts out then they can provide another who will take over the first one's obligation. Just her obligation. The five-year counter doesn't restart. If for some reason they don't have another suitable woman then we'll make sure that the total number of pregnancies stays the same, with the remaining women having extra children as soon as it's safe for them to do so."

    "Fine. What else?"

    "I'm not going to have the women dying of complications or too-frequent births if I can avoid it. Competent medical experts need to examine them before each pregnancy. If it's decided that the woman cannot safely conceive now, or at all, then she won't have to. Same terms as before—the Uchiha can replace her if they want, or we'll have the other women have extra kids."

    Mari nodded. "That's actually pretty sensible; farmers always have the local horse doctor look over their brood mares before the season starts, and we should do the same. I should have thought of that myself; the Uchiha will be glad that we're going out of our way to ensure they get full value. In fact, I'll even add a clause about 'if one of the women dies they can send a replacement'. Good job, Hazō."

    "Uh...thanks." Hazō wasn't entirely sure that he felt particularly good about that comparison.

    "So far this is all workable," Mari said. "Which means I am absolutely dreading the shoe that is about to drop. What's your third demand?"

    "Parents of any child born and immediately adopted or married into the Uchiha Clan will be allowed to be heavily involved in the raising of the child until said child has reached his or her age of majority. This includes any children born under the eleven civilian women adopted from this deal, as well as any future children who develop the Sharingan. Ideally, the Gōketsu and Uchiha Clans may choose to raise these children together under dual-clan membership, to be applied at birth. This means that they will be considered to be both of the Uchiha AND the Gōketsu Clans, though their status as Uchiha Clan will take precedence."

    Mari blinked.

    She studied him for a moment, clearly thinking, then spoke. She was smiling and the words were light and airy as she asked, "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

    Hazō frowned. "What?" He looked around to see that Noburi and Akane were staring at him in just as much appalled shock; Kagome-sensei simply looked confused.

    "Hazō..." Noburi began. "There is no such thing as a child of two clans. The idea isn't even coherent—it's like saying that something is a triangle and also has five sides. Plus, the entire point of this deal is that the Uchiha want to get more ninja. Ninja who are loyal to the Uchiha, not to someone else. The Sage himself could not convince them to move on that point."

    "What do you mean, the idea isn't coherent?" Hazō demanded. "Keiko is both Gōketsu and Nara. The legal status clearly exists."

    "What does that have to do with anything? That's a marriage. We're talking about kids. Newborns. You can't be born into two clans anymore than you can be born in two parts."

    "If the legal status already exists in one context then it can exist in another."

    "No," Mari said with finality. "If this is a dealbreaker then the deal is broken. I'm not even going to discuss it with them because it would accomplish nothing except pissing them off and would absolutely guarantee they voted for Hyūga."

    Hazō glowered. "You didn't let me finish. I was about to say that if they agreed to extend the legal practices of marriage to this case then the Gōketsu Clan would shoulder the cost of raising these children. Monetary costs, training, general child rearing, etc., until they reach their legal age of majority, after which point they will move into the Uchiha Clan compound."

    Noburi's eyes widened. "You're not even going to let them grow up in the Uchiha compound? Hazō—"

    "Hush," Mari said, waving him to silence. "Let's just ride it out and see if there's anything to salvage. Hazō, you were saying?"

    Hazō's words were clipped and angry. "If they agreed then I was going to commit our clan to training the kids. They'll need to know what they're doing in order to prevent issues related to the Iron Nerve bloodline, and I would even be willing to offer tutoring in certain Gōketsu clan secrets—specifically the details of the Iron Nerve, but don't tell them that. Of course, any clan secret training will be understood to be not taught to anyone outside of the Gōketsu Clan. Additionally, I would be willing to teach them non-secret clan techniques and outfit them with seal loadouts at our discretion."

    Three pairs of eyes stared at Hazō in shock while Mari's were simply resigned.

    "So, just to summarize," the redhead said, "you want the kids to grow up as members of both clans, with the Uchiha membership taking precedence. You're aware that there is no such legal framework for children, so you're expecting to...have the kids get married at birth, I guess? Also, you're insisting that the kids grow up at the Gōketsu compound, where they will undoubtedly bond with Gōketsu as their primary caregivers and consider themselves members of the Gōketsu clan first and Uchiha only as a legal fiction. Upon attaining the age of majority, they will be ripped away from the people they grew up with and forced to live in a new compound. You'll give them training in our clan secrets which they will absolutely not leak to the clan known for stealing jutsu. Also, you say that you're going to give them seal loadouts but there's no actual commitment so it's really an empty promise. Does that about sum it up?"

    "Don't twist my words, Mari. You know perfectly well what I meant."

    "No, Hazō, I sincerely do not. What I just said is exactly my understanding of what you're asking for. If I editorialized a bit then it was only to state the implications."

    "I don't want to be cut off from my kids, okay?! I refuse to have those kids grow up the way I did—cut off from the people who should have loved and cared for them. The Gōketsu are not uncaring monsters like the Kurosawa! We are the clan of Uplift. We look out for people and strive to make the world better, not perpetuate the mistakes of the past."

    Mari's face softened. She paused, thinking. "Okay," she said at last. "I see where you're coming from. I cannot get you what you want. Neither can anyone else. There is zero chance that this deal can fly, so unless you have a softer version then we're done. I'll shut things down with the Uchiha and tell them that it's my fault—there were some developments that we only just found out about that are going to render us unable to meet the terms of the deal. They'll still be annoyed, but that's better than furious." She studied him for a moment, then cocked her head in interest. "Hang on...you do have a softer version?"

    Hazō looked disgusted. "Yes," he admitted. "I figured they might have their heads too far up their own asses to appreciate the advantages of that deal—"

    "Advan—" Noburi yelped, only to be cut off when Akane elbowed him hard in the ribs.

    "—so I prepared a fallback position," Hazō continued, projecting a magnificent unawareness of the peanut gallery. "I'll accept unrestricted visitation rights by anyone in the Gōketsu clan. As often as we want, no duration limits."

    Mari sighed in relief. "I can do that," she said. "In fact, I sorta did—the contract already says that the civilians could all visit back and forth whenever they wanted. I didn't try to push it to ninja because I figured it would make the Uchiha nervous to have foreign ninja in and out of their compound at all hours. Still, I doubt it will be too hard to expand it to mean any clan member. There will need to be a few small carveouts—they aren't going to let us come back if we get caught sneaking around where we shouldn't be and they aren't going to let us visit while the kids are studying clan-secret jutsu or lore or are in important meetings. The Uchiha are their family and they get first call on the kids' time. Okay?"

    Hazō paused, considering that one carefully. "That sounds dangerously open-ended," he said. He thought some more. "How about this: We can visit whenever we want unless there is an operational or legal reason to keep us out, same as for the civilians. If there's a disagreement, we go to a tribunal. But!" He held up one finger in emphasis. "If we ever end up in front of a tribunal twice in the same year, the deal is off."

    Mari shook her head. "No. I can get the visitation rights expanded to cover ninja as well, especially if we use the same terms as what's already there for civilians. That last bit, about canceling the deal if we end up in front of a tribunal twice in a year? That basically amounts to us being able to cancel the contract at any time, just by making unreasonable demands."

    Hazō deflated. "Okay, that's fair. Fine. Get the Gōketsu ninja the same visitation rights as the civilians and I'll take it."

    "You got it, boss." Mari's smile was back. "So, is that it?" She set her hands on the arms of the chair, ready to push herself to her feet. "Can I go secure our ownership of the Uchiha soul, or is there more?"

    "There's more."

    She sighed and slumped back into the chair. "What else?"

    "This isn't a dealbreaker, but I want them to vote for our candidate, not just abstain."

    Mari waggled her hand in a so-so gesture. "Very unlikely, but I'll try. What have I got to work with?"

    "I'll add any or all of the following: Increased payment, up to one-point-five million per month and/or extending the duration of payment by up to a year. We can reduce or eliminate our claim on their income. We can drop the initial number of political markers from five down to three. We can drop the requirement that they give us additional markers for each year that a kid is born. We can drop the requirement that they give us political markers for every year a child who develops the Sharingan is adopted."

    "Not per year for the Sharingan," Mari corrected. "The terms are that we get one marker for each year that a kid is born but we get two markers for each Sharingan ninja we produce. Regardless, those are a lot of tools to work with." She thought about it. "So, basically, you are completely uninterested in every part of the deal except the Hokage vote and three initial markers. If they vote instead of abstaining then you're willing to throw out everything that I got for us, plus pay them more money."

    Hazō winced. "That wasn't what I meant," he began.

    She shrugged. "It's fine. I got the deal that I got because it was workable, attractive enough to negotiate quickly, and would give us enormously increased political power in Leaf in the short term and control of one of the founding clans in the long term. I modeled you wrong, and that's my mistake—I thought the long-term stuff would be more appealing, but clearly it's the immediate future that you consider most important." She considered. "That's fair. The Hokage vote has very long-term implications, so I guess I see why you're willing to trade everything else for a slightly improved chance of getting the result we want.

    "Anyway, sorry for getting you wrong...the first job of a spy or a negotiator is to know what her handler wants, and I clearly failed at that." She glanced at the clock on the mantlepiece. "One o'clock. I don't think I can get this deal at all, but I definitely can't do it sitting around. Assuming there's nothing else, I'll go get started. Is there?"

    Hazō shook his head. "No, that was it."

    She nodded and stood up, gave a short bow to her Clan Head, and walked out.

    "Hazō," Akane said slowly. "That was...not your finest moment."

    "Dude," Noburi said. "I know sometimes you miss things, so let me say this bluntly: I honestly think it's great that you want to be better than those Kurosawa jerks. Seriously, kudos on that. I didn't think of it and I'm glad that you did. On the other hand, the way you handled that sucked. If you were willing to take visitation rights, I wish you had started there instead of talking about things that made you sound literally insane—like kids born into two clans. I also wish that you hadn't told Mari that essentially all of her work was worthless and that you didn't value her judgement about what was possible."

    "I do value her judgement!"

    "That's not the picture you conveyed," Akane said. "You could have explained what you wanted—specifically, to be involved with your children—and asked her how to achieve it, offering your ideas as suggestions or as a desired outcome. You could have led with the more possible option so that we weren't all terrified you were going to throw away a good deal over an impossible point of honor. Instead, you started by saying that the deal was off unless you got your way and then you laid out a detailed plan that even I, a clanless ninja, knew was mad. And you could have asked her whether it was possible to get the vote instead of simply directing her to secure it."

    Countless hours of Mari's training over their time in the woods whispered in the back of his mind: Do not shoot the messenger; good messengers are hard to find. Never show anger; it will make it far more effective when you occasionally do. Steel makes your enemy reach for a weapon; silk binds him to your will forever.

    The Iron Nerve kept Hazō's eyes from narrowing. A short pause to master himself kept his voice calm and allowed him to sort through his desired responses. There was no point in protesting that he had stated that the vote issue was a desire and not a deal-breaker—something he wanted, not something he was demanding. It didn't matter what you meant, it only mattered what the other person heard; if they heard something different than what you meant then you had failed at communication. Fortunately, simulated contrition was a great way to shut down a stupid argument, unruffle oversensitive people's foolishly ruffled feathers, and get back to useful work. "Thank you, Akane," he said. "You're right, I could have handled that better. Especially the way I organized it. I'll remember for next time." He stood up and clapped his hands, rubbing them like a man about to get down to heavy labor. "Now, I need to run an errand. While I do that, could you guys go talk to the civilians and find out what they need? Get them over to the hot spring and cleaned up, find out where their homes are and how we can help rebuild, that kind of thing."

    "Of course," Akane said, smiling and rising. She glanced down at her younger brother. "Noburi, maybe you should be the one to ask that pretty brunette what she...needs."

    Noburi stood up quickly, blushing fit to make his head explode. "I don't know who you're talking about," he said, his voice the very model of offended innocence.

    Akane nudged him with an elbow, her grin getting wider. "Sure you do. She's the one who was making gooey eyes at you while doing this." She clasped her hands in front of herself and twisted from side to side, nibbling her lip and batting her eyes.

    "She did not do anything like that!"

    "Ah, so you do know who I'm talking about!" Her grin was so wide that her face was practically splitting.

    Hazō, having no desire to intervene and potentially attract the tormenting eye of his older sister, slunk quietly out of the room. If Team Nakano Plus One was going to make a good impression tonight then they needed to bring food, and they were poor; he wasn't going to dump the need on them without giving them the money for ingredients.

    o-o-o-o​

    "Welcome!" Hazō said, swinging the gate open. "Thank you guys for coming!"

    "Thanks," Nakano said, smiling. "We brought—"

    "Don't you move, you stinkers!" Kagome-sensei growled. "Hazō, be sure it's them."

    Hazō closed his eyes for just a moment, then opened them and turned a friendly smile on his teacher. "Sensei, it's them."

    Kagome-sensei eyed the four younger ninja carefully. "How can you be so sure? Maybe they aren't ninja. Every other ninja seems to saunter through my trap arrays, but this lot didn't. Maybe they aren't ninja. The ones we were expecting were ninja, so they wouldn't be them."

    Genda's jaw tightened.

    "Sensei," Hazō said warningly. "They're obviously ninja, because they're standing on the snow. They didn't come through the trap array because (a) that's rude and (b) you've made it dense enough that it would have blown them to the Pure Lands. Also, Nakano, Genda, Sugiyama, and Jinno are all clanless ninja. Clanless ninja get talked down to a lot by some clans—especially the Hyūga—so suggesting that these four aren't really ninja is kinda putting yourself in the same bucket with the Hyūga and their ilk."

    The blood drained from Kagome-sensei's face and his eyes went wide. "Hi! WelcometotheGōketsuhousewon'tyoupleasecomein!" He went down the line, bowing to each of them in turn. "Yes! Come inside, where it is warm and the cool ninja hang out. And by 'cool ninja' I mean the ones who aren't Hyūga stinkers. There's biscuits and crab stew with capers and even though they look like rat poop you should try them anyway because they're actually pretty good, and—"

    "Thank you, sir," Jinno said, bowing deeply and giving Kagome-sensei a calm, confident smile. "We're honored to be here, and that stew sounds delicious." He made a 'hold on' gesture and then, very slowly and carefully, he pulled out the storage seal that Hazō had made for him on the way back from Mist. He checked to make sure that Kagome-sensei wasn't about to do anything violent, then unsealed a box which he revealed to contain a pan filled with baking hot apples. "I hope these will make a good dessert. Hazō mentioned that you liked sweets; these are a recipe that my mother invented. Pierced apples soaked in dilute honey, with just a sprinkle of cinnamon." He shrugged apologetically. "I'm afraid they're supposed to soak overnight and these have only been in for a few hours, but hopefully they'll be good anyway."

    Kagome-sensei blinked. "Oh. Um...thank you, that sounds really yummy." He looked around at the drifts of snow and the howling wind that the four guests were struggling not to shiver in, despite their inadequate clothing. "You might want to seal those away again. They'll get cold."

    "Yes sir." Jinno tapped the seal and the box and its contents vanished.

    "Would you be kind enough to show us the way in, sir?" Nakano asked carefully. "Hazō described, in very general terms, the defenses you've built around this house, and I have no interest in tangling with them by mistake." He gestured to the other members of the group. "We all brought something but, if it's okay, it would be nice to get out of the wind before we bring them out. Or not. Whichever you prefer."

    "Um...right," Kagome-sensei said, fidgeting nervously. "Yes. Okay, right this way. And, um, sorry about the 'not ninja' thing."

    "No problem," Sugiyama said. Hazō didn't miss the way he shot the still-fulminating Genda a silencing glance.

    Hazō had asked Kagome-sensei to keep the safe path simple tonight, since they were expecting guests. As a result, it contained only four doglegs and only required stepping over two tripwires. It also required passing around and behind several obstacles that would block any feasible line of sight, thereby preventing Ami's casual shoulder-surfing strategy from working again.

    No sooner were they through the door than Kagome-sensei was struck in the hip by a hug-seeking missile.

    "Hi, sensei! Hi, Hazō! Hi, new people!"

    "Hi yourself," Hazō said, grinning at the young girl who was currently wrapped around his teacher's leg. "Honoka, this is Nakano, Sugiyama, Genda, and Jinno. They're grownup ninja who went to the Chūnin Exams with us. Everyone, this is Honoka, Kagome-sensei's junior student."

    "I'm not junior!"

    Hazō stuck his tongue out at the girl. "I was his student first, so there!"

    "You weren't his real student! He only teached you sealing! He teaches me math and letters and history and—"

    "'Taught'," Kagome-sensei said.

    "Huh?"

    "I only 'taught' Hazō sealing. You said 'teached', but the word is 'taught'."

    Honoka looked at him suspiciously. "No it's not. I walk now and I walked then. You teach now and you teached then."

    "Teach is an irregular verb. The past tense is 'taught'."

    She let go of him and put her hands on her hips with a rebellious look. "That's stupid. It should be 'teached'."

    "Honoka," Aoi said, hurrying in from the other room. "Stop being a nuisance. Let these nice people get their coats off and warm up. You're keeping them all standing."

    "It's okay, ma'am," Jinno said, giving Aoi an appreciative look and a friendly smile. "She's no bother at all. Is she your little sister?"

    Aoi laughed and covered her mouth, blushing. "She's my daughter."

    "No way!" He shook his head in disbelief. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to imply you're fibbing, but I didn't think it was possible to have kids at...twelve?"

    Aoi took her hand away from her mouth and shook her head at the young rogue. "My husband and I were both considerably older than twelve when we got married," she said with a smile.

    All happiness fell comically away from Jinno's face for a moment and he gave a sigh so exaggerated it took several seconds to complete. "Alas," he said. "The world is filled with unfairness." He bowed. "Jinno Yūdai, at your service."

    "It's a pleasure to meet you, Jinno. I am Yamomoto Aoi and this is my daughter, Honoka. Honoka, you said you were going to help me get some more wood for the fire."

    "Oh, I can help with that, ma'am," Nakano said. "If you'll show me where the pile is...?"

    "Actually, we keep the firewood in seals next to the fireplace," Hazō said. "Aoi is a civilian, so she needs Honoka to open the seals."

    Nakano and his friends all stared at Hazō in shock. "How much wood do you keep in those seals?" Nakano asked carefully.

    Hazō shrugged and looked at Kagome-sensei. "What...two, three cords?"

    Kagome-sensei shook his head. "More like one and a half, I think. We've been going through it pretty fast since we moved in here." He turned back to the younger team. "May I take your coats?" His eyes flicked up as he riffled through his memory, then he leaned over to Hazō and whispered, "That's polite, right? The coats thing?"

    "Yes," Hazō whispered back, grinning.

    Kagome-sensei nodded. "Nailed it." He looked back to the guests. "Coats? Yes?"

    "Thank you," Genda said, slipping off her coat (visibly general issue from the Tower's supply, and somewhat threadworn) and handing it to him. Kagome-sensei folded it quickly, then dropped it into a seal which he set on one of the shelves of the rack by the door. In exchange, he passed Genda the pair of house slippers that had been on that shelf. He then proceeded to give the other three ninja the same treatment.

    "Coat hooks...so expensive," Genda said. She promptly hissed in pain as Sugiyama elbowed her hard in the ribs.

    Hazō shrugged. "This way takes up a lot less space. The house is pretty empty right now, but can you imagine what it would be like if it was full to capacity, with everyone having to juggle coats and shoes around each other? Seals make a lot of things easier." He glanced over at Kagome-sensei. "Speaking of which, when we were on the trail back from Mist, all four of these guys expressed interest in hearing a bit about what it takes to study sealing. Do you think you could give them a rundown after dinner?"

    "Sure! Basically, learning sealing is about not getting your face eaten. Or burned off. Or turned into goo. Or letting spiders crawl out of your bottom. Or having your digestive tract reversed so you eat through your bottom and widdle through your mouth. Or getting semi-sapient broccoli stuck on your cheek and slowly growing its claws into your eyeballs while chittering disturbing almost-words at you every time you tell a lie. Or—"

    "Sensei!" Hazō said quickly. "I was thinking more along the lines of 'you need to learn this sort of math and that style of astrology'. And maybe after dinner." He gestured towards the crackling firelight that came through the door that connected the vestibule, where they now stood, with the main living room.

    "Oh, sure," Kagome-sensei said. "Also, we should put those apples in the kitchen."

    "We've all got food, sir," Nakano said. "I brought roast potato with carrots, as a sidedish."

    "I brought some fresh bread," Genda said nervously. "It's not much, but Hazō mentioned that it was a crab stew tonight and I thought maybe that would go well?" For the first time since he'd met her, the tough-as-nails genin girl seemed actively unsure.

    "What kind of bread?" Kagome-sensei asked, giving her a bit of sideeye.

    "Um...brown bread? With raisins?"

    Kagome-sensei's eyebrows shot up. "Brown bread with raisins?! Perfect!" He turned to Hazō. "See?! I told you! Sensible people get bread with raisins in it. Perfectly reasonable. Why you would get that nasty black bread with no raisins, I have no idea. Raisins. It's the right thing to do with bread."

    Hazō raised his hands in surrender. "I yield! They don't always have raisin bread at that bakery you like, but I'll be sure to get it whenever they do."

    "What do you mean, 'that bakery I like'? I don't always go to the same bakery! I'm not some kind of stupid...predictable stupid person who always goes to the same place!"

    "I also brought a dessert," Sugiyama said, riding straight past the madness implicit in the previous sentence. "Crystalized honey infused with fruit juice. I hope you like it, sir."

    Kagome-sensei's eyes were bright, but he kept his demeanor calm. "It sounds very tasty," he said. "Thank you, all four of you. Please, won't you come into my house freely and of your own will?"

    No one chose to respond to that, preferring instead to get into the warmth of the living room.

    o-o-o-o​

    "This is amazing, sir," Snake said. "Genda, your bread is just as good as the stew."

    The young ANBU was required to keep her secret identity secret, so her face was still covered. Fortunately, the lower half of ANBU masks could apparently be removed in order to allow the wearer to eat while on duty. She had been taking full advantage of this fact to consume massive quantities of Kagome-sensei's crab stew. She had already emptied one large bowl, swabbed it spotlessly clean with the bread, scarfed down the bread, and then filled the bowl again. No one was feeling restrained; Kagome-sensei had made enough to feed an army, and kept pushing it on people if they so much as slowed down. It was worse than the stereotypes about Land of Earth grandmothers.

    "Thank you, ma'am," Genda mumbled.

    Snake chuckled. "Snake is fine. Whenever someone calls me ma'am it makes me feel old."

    "Yes m—Snake."

    Several people laughed, Snake among them.

    "So what's it like working in ANBU?" Hazō asked. "Does your family know who you are, or do you have to keep it secret even from them?"

    "ANBU identities are classified, but there is some leeway. The rules are complicated and pretty boring, though."

    "Got it." Hazō cast around for a safer topic. "Speaking of family, how is everyone doing after the sealing accident? Did it affect any of you and, if so, can the Gōketsu help?"

    There was silence for several seconds as the clanless genin exchanged looks.

    "Yeah," Nakano said at last. "These three"—he gestured at his teammates and Jinno—"got off okay, but my da and my oldest sister were in the market when it got hit. She's dead and he got his leg torn off. The medics found him before he bled out and they patched him up. If I hustle and if these guys help out then I can probably run enough missions to pay for him to stay in hospital and still cover rent, food, and fuel."

    "I'm really sorry," Hazō said. "Losing a family member is hard. I was young when my poppa died, but I remember it felt like having my heart torn out. And then we all lost Jiraiya...."

    Silence reigned again. Honoka fidgeted a bit, but sat still when her mother tapped her arm.

    "A toast," Hazō said at last. "To Jiraiya...." He looked over at Noburi. "How did he always say it? Toad Sage, Wooer of Women, World's Most Popular Author...something?"

    Noburi's smile was sad. "It varied. There was usually something about 'Lord of the Bedroom Arts' in there."

    "I remember what he said when he came back after capturing Team Bloodrage," Mari said, smiling as she looked into memory. "'The Mighty Sage Jiraiya, Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of the Bedroom Arts, Author of the Most Popular Series Ever, Spymaster, Lovemaster, Wooer of Women, demands dango!'" Her smile got deeper, and sadder. "He earned all those names and more."

    "I'll drink to that!" Hazō said quickly, hoisting his glass in an attempt to lighten the mood. "Of course, we'll need to expand the list a bit, and the loser drinks." He filled his cup from the nearest sake bottle and raised it high. "To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya, Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of the Bedroom Arts, Author of the Most Popular Series Ever, Spymaster, Lovemaster, Wooer of Women, Self-Proclaimed Greatest Sealmaster Ever!"

    Noburi, sitting to Hazō's left, laughed and raised his own cup. "To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya, Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of all Bedroom Arts—"

    "Mistake!" Hazō cried. "It's 'Master of the Bedroom Arts'! Drink!"

    "Cheap!" Still, Noburi tossed back his drink.

    Akane grinned and raised her own cup. "Say it one more time so that I may youthfully memorize the list!"

    Mari repeated the chain of epithets, grinning the whole time.

    "Right!" Akane looked up at the ceiling. "To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya, Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of the Bedroom Arts...um...."

    "Drink! Drink! Drink!" The chant went around the table. Akane slammed her cup with good grace and poured it fresh.

    "To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya," Mari said, her voice poised and her smile loving. "Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of the Bedroom Arts, Author of the Most Popular Series Ever, Spymaster, Lovemaster, Wooer of Women, Self-Proclaimed Greatest Sealmaster Ever, Terror of the Council Chambers!"

    Kaori raised his own glass. "To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya," he declaimed. "Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of the Bedroom Arts, Author of the Most Popular Series Ever, Spymaster, Lovemaster, Wooer of Women, Self-Proclaimed Greatest Sealmaster Ever, Terror of the Council Chambers, Legendary Sannin!"

    Her father had no sooner finished speaking than Honoka raised her own cup. (Which, of course, held only herbal tea because neither her parents nor Hazō were stupid.) "To Jiraiya!" she said, her six-year-old voice high and eager. "To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya, Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, um...Master of the Bedroom, Author of...of...I can do it, mom! Author of the Best Series Ever, um...Spymaster, Wow...no, Wooer of Women, Self-Something Greatest Sealmaster Ever...something about the Council...Legendary Sannin, and Nifty Man!"

    There was spontaneous applause.

    "That was great," Nakano said. "Better'n I can do."

    "Thanks!" Honoka said, her ear-to-ear grin revealing her missing front tooth. She leaned over and whispered to her mother, "What does 'wooer' mean?"

    "I'll tell you later," Aoi replied quietly. "It's my turn." She lifted her own cup. "To the Mighty Sage Jiraiya, Lover of Women, Toad Sage, Fifth Hokage, Master of the Bedroom Arts, Author of the Most Popular Series Ever, Spymaster, Lovemaster, Wooer of Women, Self-Proclaimed Greatest Sealmaster Ever, Terror of the Council Chambers, Legendary Sannin, Nifty Man, and Person Whose Titles Should Perhaps Not Be Explained Before Certain People's Bedtime!"

    Amidst general laughter, everyone agreed that perhaps the game should end on that high note instead of finishing the round and perhaps causing more uncomfortable questions. Conversation turned aside, drifting from topic to topic. Eventually, Snake was cajoled into telling a non-classified story of her experience as ANBU for Jiraiya; the young woman was a great raconteur, with a natural talent for mimicry and a surprising vocal range that allowed her to approximate the voices of Jiraiya, Morino Ibiki, and then-Headmaster Tokugawa to great effect.

    By the time the story finished, the meal had been thoroughly demolished. Nakano and his friends offered to wash the dishes, but Kagome-sensei said, "Meh. Toss 'em in the basin and let 'em soak. I want to talk more. Let's go back to the living room."

    Everyone pitched in, moving the dirty dishes into the soaking sink and the leftovers into storage seals. Eventually, they all coalesced back at the living room. Kagome-sensei was the last one in and promptly crossed to the fireplace, where he started tossing in and poking at logs until the fire was roaring.

    This, of course, was Noburi's opportunity. Hazō began to suspect that his immature and childish younger brother had resented not being the center of attention while Snake was telling her story. Clearly, he needed to have his ego stroked and attempt, in his pathetically self-important way, to prove himself the best storyteller in the room. And, of course since he was a terrible person it needed to be done at the expense of some perfectly innocent person.

    "—and so Hazō says, 'What? It's just a carrot.'"

    The adults, all of whom had been hanging on Noburi's every word through the humiliating twists and turns of the story (which was overly exaggerated and not even a little true because Barrel Boy was a lying liar), rocked with laughter. Honoka, lying on the couch with her thumb in her mouth and her head in her mother's lap, struggled to keep her eyes open. Her father, who sat on the other side of Aoi from Kagome-sensei, seemed to take no notice of the fact that Honoka's feet were in Kagome-sensei's lap instead of in his.

    o-o-o-o​

    The moon was trending down before they finally broke up for the evening. Aoi, Kaori, and Honoka were sound asleep in one of the only furnished guest rooms; it had been much too late for civilians to be out, so they were spending the night. Snake and the genin, however, were determined to go home.

    "Thank you for a lovely night," Genda said, bowing deeply to Hazō and Kagome-sensei. "I really enjoyed it."

    "Yeah," Kagome-sensei said. "It was...it was fun. You guys could come back sometime. You know, if you wanted?" He fidgeted nervously. "You, um. You should get your coats."

    Genda picked up the seal that rested on the relevant shelf of the rack. Hazō stiffened in alarm when he saw the seal...only to freeze when Kagome-sensei cleared his throat and shook his head the tiniest bit.

    Genda activated the seal and reached for the coat that should have been inside...only to duck back as a fountain of shredded fabric shot up to the ceiling.

    "Oh no!" Kagome-sensei said, clapping his hands to his face. "I must have accidentally put your coats into macerator seals instead of into storage seals! They have been destroyed through my error and inattentiveness! Please, allow me to make it up to you!" From his pocket he pulled four new seals, from which emerged four heavy coats, each of which had a long scarf and a pair of mittens tucked into the pockets. The coats were major improvements over the general-issue ones that the four clanless genin had arrived in, and remarkably good fits to their suggested owners, especially for something that Kagome-sensei just so happened to have in his pocket.

    "Oh good," Snake said, opening the seal containing her own custom-made coat to find that everything was as expected. "Glad mine survived."

    Nakano looked at the shelf where his coat was, in theory, stored. He picked up the seal that rested there and studied it for a moment. He glanced at Kagome-sensei, then back at the seal. After a moment, he activated it. Sure enough, another fountain of shredded fabric went up to the ceiling. Wordlessly, Kagome-sensei extended the replacement coat to him.

    "Thank you, sir," he said, taking the coat that Kagome-sensei offered and placing the macerator seal back on the shelf. "That's very kind of you."

    "Yes, thank you," Jinno said, eyeing the seal on the shelf where his coat had been placed. He was doing a good job of hiding it, but there was sadness in his tone.

    "You, ah, you should probably check," Kagome-sensei said. "Your coat, I mean. Who knows, maybe I didn't make a mistake with yours. Or maybe something survived. It can happen."

    Jinno activated what was, to Hazō's trained eyes, just a normal storage seal identical to the one that Kagome-sensei had originally put the boy's coat in. What came out was a collection of scraps with a folded piece of paper on top.

    "Oh, look at that!" Kagome-sensei said. "Something survived! How lucky! Good thing, too! Whatever you were keeping in your inside left breast pocket, I'm sure it was sentimentally valuable. Or whichever pocket it was in. Maybe a different one and not the inside left breast pocket. Could have been any pocket, really. Anyway, good that your letter survived. Very lucky."

    Jinno studied Kagome-sensei for several seconds before accepting the replacement coat from him and tucking the letter inside it. "Thank you, sir," he said, bowing. "It's very kind of you."

    "Kind? No no no! It's not kindness! I'm just apologizing, because I accidentally destroyed your lousy coats. Completely accidentally. Not intentionally. It's my fault, so you are doing me a favor by letting me give you this stuff and not being mad at me."

    Sugiyama took the proffered coat without even checking what was in his seal. "Hey, you can destroy my GI coat anytime you want if you replace it with something like this. This thing is great."

    "You, uh, you should probably take some explosives," Kagome-sensei said uncertainly, pointing towards the bowl by the door. "It's dark out. You never know what you might run into. Could be chakra murderworms. Or assassins from Cloud. Or those Hyūga stinkers. Always good to have explosives on you. Explosives solve everything."

    The four genin all replied with variations on, "Oh, I couldn't!", which caused Kagome-sensei's shoulders to slump.

    "Hey, I'm down," said Snake, snagging one of the tags out of the bowl. "Thank you, Kagome. It's very generous of you."

    He glowered at her. "Why are you taking one?"

    She cocked her head uncertainly. "Uh...sorry, I thought you were talking to all of us. I apologize." She dropped the tag back in the bowl.

    "Kagome-sensei meant 'why are you taking one'," Hazō explained. "We make these things by the dozens. Please, take a fistful."

    "Yeah!" Kagome-sensei said. "What kind of nitwit only takes one?" He shook his head and looked at Hazō. "Honestly, what are they teaching at that school? It's like everyone in Leaf is an idiot."

    "Sensei!"

    "It is! They only take one explosive, the coats they issue are lousy, they don't know how to do recon properly—"

    "I know how to do recon properly," Snake said. "You shoot a Lightning Bullet in and look for what comes out."

    "Exactly! Exactly! Finally, one of them gets it! Although really it should be 'throw an explosive in', because attack jutsu are for idiots. Seals are way better."

    Snake shrugged. "Maybe for you, sir. You can make your own seals, so you always have what you need and you don't have to pay. For you, seals are better. For me, and for these four, jutsu are better. They don't run out, for one thing."

    Kagome-sensei fidgeted, looking anywhere except at the people around him. "I...I could...well. I mean, if you wanted...I guess I could maybe talk to you guys about sealing a little more. You know, if you were interested. Maybe, if you wanted to and you learned everything and were really really careful, maybe I could even show you how to infuse."

    Genda, Sugiyama, and, surprisingly, Jinno's eyes all lit up. The handsome genin was the first to respond aloud: "That would be great! Thank you so much, sir!"

    Nakano shook his head regretfully. "It's extremely kind of you sir, but I'll bow out. I don't think I'm smart enough or detail-minded enough to study sealing, and the dangers you described aren't for me. I'm okay fighting and maybe dying in the field, but after what happened at the market...that's just too much."

    Kagome-sensei nodded seriously. "Good man. I've seen too many people think they could do it when they couldn't. You're smart to know yourself." He glanced over at Snake. "What about you?"

    She shook her masked head. "Not for me, sorry. It's interesting, and I'd love to hear more stories about it, but ANBU keeps me too busy for the amount of study I think it would take. Maybe someday."

    "Okay." He turned back to the younger ninja. "Do...do you think maybe you'd like to come by sometime soon? Like, maybe tomorrow lunchtime?"

    "Absolutely!" Genda and Sugiyama said. Jinno hesitated for just a moment and then joined in, that easy smile in full force.

    Kagome-sensei's shoulders were hunched in embarrassment, but he was smiling.

    "Neat," he said.




    XP AWARD: 4 + 1 (brevity)

    Vote time! What to do now? You have 3 slots per day for the rest of the week. The Informational threadmarks has the link to 'current slot allocations'. You are booked solid with meetings for the next two days.

    It is now bedtime. Tomorrow (the 9th) and the next day (the 10th) are entirely filled with meetings, as is the afternoon slot on the 11th. Your next plan should cover what you want Hazō to talk about during those meetings. (NB: I'm pretty confident that these are the right dates. Regardless, even if I'm off they are correct in relation to one another.)

    Vote time! What to do now?

    Voting ends on Wednesday, July 10, 2019, at 12pm London time.

    The Hagoromo have signed the deal. The Uchiha are considering it and will get back to you tomorrow or the next day.

    You had asked Mari to keep an eye on Snake during dinner and report afterwards. She reports that, as far as she could tell, Snake was what she presented as: a personable young woman, honest, who enjoyed your company and had a lot of classified knowledge that she needed to avoid talking about.

    Hazō took Nakano aside as everyone was leaving and offered to pay for his father's medical bills. Nakano was appropriately appreciative.
     
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  • Threadmarks
    • Well it turned out worse than I thought, but I'll still give myself half an "I told you so" point for the debacle that was the visitation clause.

    Everything else looks to have gone great, though. :)
     
    eaglejarl said:
    The Iron Nerve kept Hazō's eyes from narrowing. A short pause to master himself kept his voice calm and allowed him to sort through his desired responses. There was no point in protesting that he had stated that the vote issue was a desire and not a deal-breaker—something he wanted, not something he was demanding. It didn't matter what you meant, it only mattered what the other person heard; if they heard something different than what you meant then you had failed at communication. Fortunately, simulated contrition was a great way to shut down a stupid argument, unruffle oversensitive people's foolishly ruffled feathers, and get back to useful work.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...

    I see the discord in the thread over the marriage deal has been affecting Hazo's attitude.

    E: Hold up. Am I seeing proto-IN Socials here?
     
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    I'd suggest to apologize to Mari at earliest convenience (for reasons stated in the chapter) if that probably wouldn't take up one more of our nonexistant free time slots. As it is we're all booked up.

    Current schedule reminder, we are just at the start of Jan 9:
      Yesterday (Jan 8) Today (Jan 9) Tomorrow (Jan 10) Jan 11
    Morning Ami/Civilians Ino Shino  
    Afternoon Uchiha Chouza Minami Minori
    Evening Snake/Nakano Asuma Keiko  
    We have a meeting with Ino at lunch, an afternoon meeting with Chouza, and then Asuma at dinner. Depending on the length of the meetings and Velorien's spoons we may or may not be able to squeeze Asuma in but it'd probably be better to just work on Ino and Chouza.

    And here's the Plan Cache. Remember to check previous plans for relevant subsections to current plans.
    Inferno Vulpix said:
    Plan Cache:
    • Discuss with the family:
      • Could inter-village adoption (Doigama, Kato...) be plausible?
    • Info-gathering:
      • Ask Kagome to summarize Akatsuki's book.
      • Investigate Leaf Yakuza (indirectly and non-confrontationally)
        • Task for Mari?
    • Politicking:
      • Schedule a wake to mourn Leaf's fallen heroes.
      • Inform Naruto about the vote.
      • Designate a Second.
        • Mari? Kagome?
    • Snakes:
      • Hazou: Learn their culture/predispositions from Summons and Jiraiya's notes.
      • Keiko: Message them via Pangolins.
        • Send Jiraiya's letter to Orochimaru along (in case he's alive).
        • Did Orochimaru leave them his will? Jiraiya wrote him a pardon, we'd want to carry out his wishes.
    Past Major Plans:
    Deals and Discussions by faflec
    Mari's Deal by faflec

    :) by Noumero

    Ino, You Know by huhYeahGoodPoint

    Rules of the Plan Cache:
    1. Get Support. The Plan Cache is for ideas that already have support of a sizeable chunk of the playerbase, not for ideas that someone wants to advocate later. For a benchmark, your idea should have enough support to be in one of the major plans of a cycle if there was room in the plan.
    2. Short-term. The Plan Cache is for ideas that we intend to implement in the next few updates, or more loosely within the same rough story arc. If you have an idea beyond that temporal scope, I have another post storing those ideas so ask me to put it there instead of cluttering up our short-term storage.
    Sometimes when we're making a plan we have a good idea that's just outside the temporal scope of the update, but we don't want to cut it from the plan because we might forget by the next cycle. This adds unnecessary words that could have been spent fleshing out the rest of the plan, and may outright cost XP in the worst cases.

    This plan cache will hold these subsections so they don't fall into the void between planning cycles. Just ping me with the subsection and, unless it's wildly unreasonable, I'll edit it into the post. I'll keep them there for a while until they either make it into a winning plan, fall out of favour, or the context significantly changes. Depending on circumstances, they might end up in my Side Project Cache, or they might be dropped, and I'll make sure to be transparent about what I'm doing.

    I'll do my best to quote this post after every update, so that planmakers can get an easy reminder about what we never quite got to last cycle.
    Click to expand...
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    Oof: initial thoughts
    @eaglejarl your commitment to simulationism always amazes me, thank you for the chapter and letting us mess up when we mess up. Also, thank you for not having a small mistake among allies spiral into something completely silly.

    The first part of the chapter was a little rough to read; nondeathworld morals and expectations clashing against jaded child soldiers is always fun. We mis-modelled the situation in regards to dual clan membership.

    Seeing Kagome make friends is one of my personal favorite things about this quest. I'm also glad the 'npcs' are showing agency by not all immediatly jumping at a power up that could easily kill them.
     
    Well, that was well within expected error bounds. Huzzah!
     
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh...

    Alright, I'm back. So IIRC when we were talking about speaking with Ino way back when, we wanted to set up ideas for Chouza so we could get friendly with him, and then set up a wake for Jiraiya/the fallen? Is this still a thing we should do, given it's been like over a week since the battle?
     
    Man, Mari is really playing this well. As usual, she does so by having a point, which makes her harder to refute, even when you can see the manipulation she's doing. It might not even be conscious - she's, frankly, that much better.

    Also, Kagome is adorable, and so is Honoka. Clanless Genin were a great as well, andeeting snake was a success. Excellent update overall @eaglejarl ; as usual, thank you :).
     
    I just realized something random yet wonderful. Storage seals kill living organisms. Such as insects and arachnids. Which means that if you place a bed or clothing inside one, all the bedbugs and any other biting things inside all die. Bedbugs were a pretty ubiquitous problem until DDT was invented, so we can probably assume that all the civilians and many/all of the ninja are pretty likely to have them (it's possible that clan ninja, especially the Nara, would have thought of the storage scroll idea and obviously would have the funds for a storage scroll. It is unlikely in the extreme however that they would make this service available to civilians or clanless).

    Therefore, I believe there is money to be made in a civilian hiring out D rank missions for a ninja to follow them around and operate a storage scroll. That civilian then goes around and sells the opportunity to temporarily be bedbug-free for a small sum. Since bedbugs also like to inhabit places other than the mattress (like the crack where the wall meets the floor), this will only be a temporary relief, which is why the cost needs to be low (repeat customers!).
     
    faflec said:
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh...

    Alright, I'm back. So IIRC when we were talking about speaking with Ino way back when, we wanted to set up ideas for Chouza so we could get friendly with him, and then set up a wake for Jiraiya/the fallen? Is this still a thing we should do, given it's been like over a week since the battle?
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...

    There will be a funeral after the whole hat thing being done.
     
    Sentient Tree said:
    I just realized something random yet wonderful. Storage seals kill living organisms. Such as insects and arachnids. Which means that if you place a bed or clothing inside one, all the bedbugs and any other biting things inside all die. Bedbugs were a pretty ubiquitous problem until DDT was invented, so we can probably assume that all the civilians and many/all of the ninja are pretty likely to have them (it's possible that clan ninja, especially the Nara, would have thought of the storage scroll idea and obviously would have the funds for a storage scroll. It is unlikely in the extreme however that they would make this service available to civilians or clanless).

    Therefore, I believe there is money to be made in a civilian hiring out D rank missions for a ninja to follow them around and operate a storage scroll. That civilian then goes around and sells the opportunity to temporarily be bedbug-free for a small sum. Since bedbugs also like to inhabit places other than the mattress (like the crack where the wall meets the floor), this will only be a temporary relief, which is why the cost needs to be low (repeat customers!).
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    IIRC living creatures have chakra, and using a storage seal to store chakra leads to Bad Things. I don't know if bedbugs and the like have chakra, but I would imagine that they did, given that Noburi learned about Mist Drain from sensing chakra from mosquitoes...
     
    I admit, it did pain me a little to read Hazou get frustrated and clash with Mari about things that ultimately weren't coherent, but the more I think about it the more sense it makes.

    This is Hazou entering into a deal that he's at least pretty uncomfortable with, that involves selling his future children to another clan, and despite his unhappiness with it he's still going through with it. So as a baseline he's probably frustrated and upset that reality is the way that it is, forcing him to make these compromises with his ideals.

    To try and make the best of a bad situation, Hazou comes up with a few changes that would make the deal more palatable. Reality's already yanking him around and he's frustrated so it's no surprise he goes hardline: he knows what he wants this accursed deal to be like and he's going to make sure he gets it.

    And then when he takes his contentions to Mari he finds out that one of his main ideas is considered nonsensical. Not a pleasant experience at the best of times, but he's already upset and this was his silver lining, so he's uncharitable. Nonetheless, he pushes through and gets the more-acceptable idea through.

    He could have probably gotten his ideas across better by expressing his concerns and his proposed solutions instead of just his proposed solutions, but given that he went with the decisive 'I know what I want' route things didn't fall apart at least. It's very forgivable for this to not be Hazou's finest moment given the kind of deal he's signing.

    The thing that's on my mind, though, is the way Mari behaved. If Mari was controlling her words and behaviours then she would have known that Hazou would react badly and would have wanted that outcome, which makes me wonder why. The alternative, of course, being that Mari was just being herself and didn't really mind the way things spun out because they didn't ultimately cause any major problems.
     
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