Jiraiya and Asuma Fight Over the Hat
Jiraiya and Asuma Fight Over the Hat​
Asuma: Jiraiya?! You're back!
Jiraiya: Good to see you again, kid.
A: Welcome back, Lord Fifth. As you have seniority over me, I humbly return the hat to you. [holds out the Hokage's hat]
J: Ah, but my death released my claim on the hat and it passed to you in lawful fashion. Therefore, I have no right to it and shall humbly honor you as my Kage. [refuses the hat]
A: Ah, but you are a far more skilled ninja than I. The other nations will be more afraid of you than of me and therefore you being Hokage will make Leaf safer. Although acknowledging my inferiority in this way is embarrassing, my integrity requires it. Please, take the hat.
J: Ah, but we don't know yet what the lasting effects of my resurrection will be. I might collapse at any moment, or go insane. We can't risk having such unknowns in our Kage. You must keep it.
A: No trouble at all! We'll have Tsunade look you over and as soon as she gives you a clean bill of health -- which she will -- we can all feel comfortable with you wearing the hat again.
J: Okay, enough of this fooling around. Offer me that hat again and I will punch your head off.
A: Take the hat or I'll cut your fist off with my chakra-metal knives and then stab you in the face a gazillion times.
J: I'll Rasengan through your knives and into your face.
A: I'll call Enma and have him beat you to death.
J: I'll call Gamabunta and have him kick Enma's ass.
A: Hah! You aren't the Toad Summoner anymore!
J: ...Well, shit.
A: I win! [slaps the hat onto Jiraiya's head, runs out of the room cackling madly]
 
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[ex-canon] Chapter 576.1: Nope. Mine!
Note: This chapter is not going to make a lot of sense. It was formerly canon but was decanonized after major retcons happened to chapter 576. One of the retcons was that Kagome never invented the assassination seals that Hazō is asking about.





Chapter 576.1: Nope. Mine!

"Sensei..." Hazō asked. He trailed off and licked his lips nervously. "Any chance that I could get that invisible-ranged-chakra-attack assassination seal?"

"No."

"See, I've got some other ideas, and having a starting...wait, what?"

"No. You can't have it. It's mine, it stays with me. No one else ever hears about it, no one else ever knows that it exists. I'm trusting you not to tell."

"But...why?"

"Because you would use it."

"I mean, only against people who really need killing, or are a threat to us. Like Akatsuki, or maybe Orochimaru."

Kagome snorted. "You would absolutely use it, and you'd use it liberally because you think that it's possible to kill all the bad guys. No. Using this thing to kill someone one time is risky enough. More than that would scare the normies. I've already burned all the research notes and I'm not going to rewrite them, or infuse more instances. I'm saving these"—he tapped the pocket where he had tucked the seals away—"for the next person who threatens the family. I'll use them all in one go and then I will never make more. Done that way it's possible that people won't figure it out and kill us all."

"Oh."

He looked so crestfallen that Kagome couldn't help but reach out and pat him on the shoulder. "There, there. You don't need them. I'm sure you can make lots of murdery seals all of your own!"
 
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Omake: Perspective
Omake: Perspective
Imagine you are Goketsu Akane.

You died defending your students - three genin, young, curious, pushing themselves to do more and more - against a sudden assault. In the haze of combat, the attack barely registered, but your chakra sang and danced and you threw everything you had into defending them. You knew you would die, but you felt absolute peace. You felt the Will of Fire burn through you and everything made sense in that moment.

You died protecting what was precious to you and you hope that they escaped. You died protecting the village, you died protecting the innocent, and you died doing what was right. It was a good death. It was too soon, but it was a good death. Now, there is white sand under your feet and a comfortable numbness. You remember faces and you imagine friends. You perform kata after kata and twist your hands through strange shapes which feel right. You aren't hungry and you aren't tired.

You blink and startle. The air feels different. Your fingertips burn, again, a feeling you'd forgotten. There's a face in front of you - one you imagined, one you recognize. Hazo. Hazo. He found you. Everything comes rushing back - how could you have forgotten?

Hazo, your friend, part of your heart. Hazo, your leader and confidante. Hazo, your lover. Hazo, gentle and kind, wise and caring. He's here. He came to get you. You knew he would.

You look outside - you're in the hospital. The trees are red and orange and gold and yellow. It's fall. It wasn't fall a few minutes ago. It was winter. Your gut twists. Time has passed. At least half a year. Anxiety spikes through you. Your mother - her arm. Your father - his grief. Your family.

Hazo.

More memories.

Memories of a Hazo focused on his goals to the exclusion of all else. Memories of a Hazo who creates weapons of unimaginable power.

Memories of a Hazo who did not spare a thought for the civilians Haru murdered.

He begins to speak. Your heart soars. Hazo, your friend, the good, the champion of the downtrodden and the would-be architect of a new, better world. Your stomach twists. Hazo, the lost and confused, the uncaring, lost in his grief and rage. He said you were his heart and moral center.

What did he do when you were gone?

Imagine you are Hagoromo Azugimoto.

Everyone knows what Ruka did, now - your face puckers as you think her name. She bragged about it, privately. You never liked her. She was always too proud, too haughty, too careless. You're ashamed to be related to her. You were almost glad when she was injured - half her foot, gone. You would never tell anyone but you lit a stick of incense when she was permanently assigned to the Tower and thanked the missing nin who ended her career. She could joke about the expendability of clanless genin all she wanted but she'd never order them into danger to save her own hide again. You saw bile in her: you wanted to be a medic but never had the aptitude, but you knew that the hate in her needed to be drained. Instead, she became an abscess.

You'd thought she couldn't hurt anyone. You'd thought it was just paperwork and that her sloppiness would be caught: the Nara were meticulous and the Sarutobi would do nothing less than their duty and the Tower and the Will of Fire...

You take another drink.

You don't like the Goketsu. Jiraiya was just barely tolerable, but the rest? Snakes, vipers, poison. Insidious. It explained why that one, the sealsmith, spent so much time around Orochimaru.

You'd met Akane, though. Your son had gone through the Academy with her, a few years apart. You'd been at Mizuki's execution. It was good that he was dead. Akane had found time to spar with your son. Akane had given him advice that you'd both been sure was poison that would get him killed if he tried to break a hold like that but now you weren't sure.

Ritsuo would know but he was running from meeting to meeting. Ruka was on house arrest and she wasn't laughing any more. Your reservation at the Blue Petal had gotten lost. The apologetic Akimichi had said there must have been a problem with the paperwork. You'd left, stung, ashamed, and wondering if you deserved that humiliation.

You take another drink.

Goketsu Akane is dead. The sealmaster - Goketsu Hazo - had lost his...what. Concubine?

He'd given Leaf Skywalkers. Your son was alive because of Skywalkers. He'd marveled at them. He'd said it was like flying, he'd just stepped over the grasping stone hand that would have crushed him.

You'd thought about what you would do if he'd tried to break a hold like Goketsu had shown him and died. You would have burnt her, found some way to burn her.

Goketsu Hazo has the ear of the Hokage and a Summoning Scroll and he knew Orochimaru and they said he'd killed a Dragon and that Lord Nara had almost killed Ritsuo with one of its scales.

You take another drink.

Were you wrong about them?

Were you wrong about your clan?

Imagine you are Hagoromo Nari.

You'd checked in on Ruka. She'd been uncharacteristically subdued. You'd reassured her - Lord Ritsuo would take care of her. It had been a mistake. Chuunin died. Genin died. This would blow over.

Ritsuo wouldn't turn his back on the clan. The Hokage would see sense.

She hadn't said it out loud, but Ruka had looked worried she'd be abandoned. Executed. Executed? For what? The deaths of a jumped-up slut and genin greener than Rock Lee's idiotic jumpsuit?

It was unthinkable. Ritsuo was Hagoromo. If he didn't defend Ruka...it wasn't thinkable. He would. Of course he would.

Wouldn't he?

Imagine you are Lady Inuzaka.

A year ago, bureaucratic incompetence killed dozens of your clansmen. Stupid misfiled reports and paper-pushers bumping into each other. The anger burns in you still. They never saw justice - not truly.

Lord Nara had refused to give you names.

You had a name, now. Who knew what else that woman had done? What else she had ignored? Lord Nara'd said he'd cleaned house, trained everyone who needed training, reassured you all that the Tower could be trusted.

Obviously not.

How many more of her might there be?

You run your hands through the fur of your best friend. It should have been comforting. Instead, she growls, and you growl along with her.

The Hagoromo have betrayed the pack.

Will the Hokage?

Imagine you are Hagoromo Ritsuo.

Don't do that. I like you too much for that.

Imagine, instead, that you watching him from a distance, aware of his every thought. He is small-minded but not stupid. He is in a tight spot. He can wriggle out of personal responsibility - he's done that his whole life, dodging blame and accumulating praise and honour. It's as easy as breathing.

But now the Hokage wants accountability. Everyone wants accountability for something some idiot underneath him did.

If he throws the idiot to the wolves - he saw the look in Lady Inuzaka's eyes - his clan will revolt. She might even try to drag him down with her.

(He can't bring yourself to admit she might even succeed.)

If he protects her, he'll never see another adoption ticket and all that work chipping away at the Goketsu won't mean anything and the liberals will come for him. He's already heard the whispers. The old ways don't work, this time it's gone too far, maybe -

Imagine you are Hagoromo Ritsuo. Get as close as you can without sustaining brain damage.

You are scared, deep down. You can feel your grip loosening - your fingers ache, your hand is tired, you are hanging onto everything at once and you have been hanging onto everything at once for so long, and everyone is trying to tear it away from you, tear honour and decency and tradition away from Leaf.

You are so, so tired.

Fear will not help, so you push it down. You remember your vows and your people and your strong arms and your ninjutsu and the fire that burns in you. Maybe? Maybe nothing. You push down the fear and doubt and ignore the stares. You have more meetings to attend, more ruffled feathers to soothe, more waters to test, more alliances to secure and more doubt to sow. You've weathered worse. Your faith cannot be shaken.

Can it?

Imagine you are Goketsu Hazo.
 
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Omake: The Badass Road Not Taken
In a possible future that will happen unless overruled by the plan that wins tomorrow's vote...



"Lord Gōketsu, you wished to address the Council?" Asuma asked. It was only technically a question.

"Indeed," Hazō said, standing and looking around the room. All of the Clan Heads were present, and the expressions ranged from 'neutral/unreadable' to 'fulminating'.

"First, allow me to ensure that everyone is up to date," Hazō began. "My clanswoman, Gōketsu Akane, was recently appointed sensei of a genin team. A bit more than a month after this, she and her team were sent on an animal extermination mission to the Wakare Woods."

There was a rustle of surprise around the room.

"Only a month?" Lord Akimichi asked. "That seems...early."

"Indeed," Hazō said. "The Wakare Woods, as I feel certain everyone knows, is only a few hours west of Leaf, and the mission was only intended to be two days and a night. I feel certain that the logic was 'what could possibly go wrong?'"

Everyone in the room had been a field ninja at one point or another. Everyone winced.

"Hagoromo Ruka was the person who assigned the mission," Hazō said, his voice carefully devoid of nuance. "As I am sure you are all aware, the Hagoromo and the Gōketsu have had some strong discussions in the past."

Hagoromo's face fulminated further. Other Clan Heads smiled or even chuckled.

"Hagoromo Ruka assigned the mission," Hazō continued, "and then failed to report it when the team was overdue. Failed to report it for a week." The word came out sharp despite his best efforts.

"Upon discovering this fact, I expressed my displeasure with her job performance."

"You threatened her life!" Hagoromo said.

Hazō gave him a cold look. "I extended the hand of friendship to the Hagoromo on condition that they live up to the Will of Fire by assisting in our search for Akane and her team. I promised that, if you provided sincere and significant assistance, we would set aside our past disagreements and treat the Hagoromo as actual friends instead of the...more distant relationship we currently hold." He paused, then offered a gesture of admission. "And I also said that if you failed to live up to your duty then I would demand Ruka's head on a platter as weregild. Her head, literally chopped off with a literal dull axe and literally served to me on a literal polished silver platter. I completed this statement with the words, 'Anything less than that and the Hagoromo will discover what it truly means to have the Gōketsu as an enemy.'"

"That was inappropriate of a Clan Head, Lord Gōketsu," Lord Kurusu said. "Or any Leaf ninja, for that matter. One of the conditions of living in civilized society is that we don't threaten murder against one another."

"So the Hokage explained to me," Hazō said, nodding. "Hagoromo Ruka either caused or contributed to the death of my clanswoman; I was extremely angry at the time and thus my words were aggressive. The Hokage reproved me for this, informed me that there would not be a clan war in Leaf, promised that there would be an investigation and appropriate punishment, and ordered me to recant my words and apologize."

He turned to Hagoromo and locked eyes with him. "Hagoromo, as a loyal ninja of Leaf and one who is obedient to the orders of his Hokage, I publicly recant my words and retract everything I said. I regret making death threats against your clanswoman out loud. I promise that I will not use the Gōketsu's abundance of skywalkers and explosive seals to bombard your estate from the air until it is reduced to smoking rubble under which are buried the shreds of meat that used to be you and your entire clan except for my apprentice Harumitsu. As one of the top two or three sealmasters in Leaf, I also promise that I will not research a seal explicitly intended to cause everyone of your bloodline to explode. Nor will I order Mari, the Gōketsu elite jōnin and infiltration specialist, to sneak onto your property and poison all the food in your kitchens and the water in your wells. Neither will I use my position as a Clan Head and the Dog Summoner to keep track of which missions your ninja take, use the scent-tracking abilities of the Dog Clan to follow them through the wilderness at an undetectable distance until I find a place where I can murder them in their sleep without anyone knowing. In fact, I vow that I will take no action that the Lord Hokage will hear about and immediately class as treason or an act of war between our clans."

He sat down again.

Asuma rubbed his forehead hard as though trying to physically prevent his head from exploding.

"Hazō..." he said.

"Yes, Lord Hokage?" Hazō asked, his expression open, interested, and completely innocent.

Asuma took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "See me after this meeting. We have some things to discuss."

"Yes, Lord Hokage."

"In the meantime," Asuma said, "let it be clearly understood that there will be no war between Leaf clans. Not in Leaf, not in the wilderness, not in any other polity, not on the Seventh Path, nowhere. Ritsuo, Hazō, the two of you will play nice or I will deal with it. Understood?" The question very definitely had a correct answer.

"Understood, Lord Hokage," Hazō said.

"Obviously," Hagoromo said. "The Hagoromo have been loyal Leaf ninja for generations and we value peace between the ninja of Leaf. We are not rabid animals who lash out for no reason, nor are we children who throw violent tantrums when something displeases them."

Asuma's jaw tightened but his voice remained mild. "I am very glad to hear that. Let us move on. Shikamaru, I believe you hold the agenda...?"
 
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Omake: Speech
Omake: Speech

Every part of Hazo hurt.

He could remember, dimly, his father's death. The memories felt dreamlike, almost unreal, memories of someone else who happened to be observing a mourning child. He could see, now, that the child had been drowning - drowning in grief, drowning in confusion, drowning in anger.

But that child hadn't known they were drowning. They'd just felt the water, felt resistance when they thrashed, felt their throat fill and their lungs spasm, felt a leeching cold.

They hadn't been able to see the ocean, empty and heartless. They hadn't known how far they were from shore, they hadn't known that no one was coming. They hadn't known that they would not drown, but swallow lungful after lungful of frigid brackish seawater as they drifted with agonizing slowness back to land.

Hazo knew. He knew exactly what was coming and part of him whispered that he would fail. This would break him. It whispered that Akane was dead, would always be dead, and that he would never recover the part of him that had died with her. The wound in his soul would not heal, but blacken and turn and seep through him until it claimed him.

"Hazo?"

Mari put her head around the door. She was resplendent in Leaf mourning garb; black with reds, oranges, and yellows. He catalogued her makeup before peeling it back, the powder revealing worry lines, smudged darkness at the corners of her eyes distracting from barely-visible bags, mascara offsetting bloodshot eyes. He kept peeling, drawing her sk1n from her muscles to reveal tension in her jaw, and then the muscle separate to uncover cle1Vched teeth and t#en b0ne gave wa -

"Hazo. It's time."

He stood. His back hurt. She put a hand on his shoulder. Guilt washed over him. She was keeping it together, and that worried him. Later, he'd sit down with her.

Thinking of later hurt.

The crowd was a decent size. Reo had done well with the impromptu stage, wrought from the red granite which was becoming synonymous with Goketsu. It was simple - an elevated platform, with a backdrop covered in calligraphy and tapestries. Goketsu colours, and Goketsu words. Hazo looked over but not at the throng of people. If he saw a Hagoromo, he didn't know what he'd do. He took a breath, and began.

"Manato, Nakajima Nanao, Tomoe Mami, and Goketsu Akane are missing, presumed dead."

The air was still. Speaking hurt, even as the Iron Nerve played the speech back.

"Leaf is poorer by four outstanding shinobi, taken too soon. They touched many lives, and it's good to see so many of their comrades, friends, and family here. I'd like to speak to all of you - not just here and now, but in the coming days and weeks, to mourn and share stories. Every moment I had with Akane was precious. It would be wrong to hoard those moments: we may never have more, but we can share the wealth of knowing her, knowing Nanao, and knowing Mami, knowing Manato. I would like to share the memories I was gifted with you. I hope that you'll do the same for me."

Someone was weeping.

"All of their deaths constitute tragedies - tragedies which should be unimaginable, but which are all too easy to conceive for everyone here. I wish to honour this tragedy, their sacrifice, but first - "

Mari had coached him through the slip. An apology delivered by the Iron Nerve would be picked over, analyzed, and taken as insincere. Almost no one in Leaf would be able to tell the difference, but Ritsuo would make sure that someone who could was in the crowd and Hazo would not provide him with anything he could use to deflect even a shred of the Hokage's fury. So, they'd rehearsed, over and over. His bloodline hurt, but he could do it, now. He let go of his face - he seemed to let go of his face. The slightest of slight exaggerations, so everyone would see, would believe, that he'd made this real.

" - I must apologize to the Hagoromo."

"Akane was...if I say beautiful I worry that you may think I speak only of her physical beauty. But it was more than that. She radiated warmth, and light. She glowed. When I first met her, I had no idea what the source of this could be, but as I came to know her, the answer became obvious. It was the Will of Fire."

The soft blanket of reverence which descended upon the citizens of Leaf whenever the Will of Fire was mentioned settled over the crowd. Hazo could feel eyes on him, and not all of them friendly.

"The first Hokage said that the meaning of life is love, and that love is the will to protect. He said that the will to protect is the Will of Fire. The Will of Fire warms your comrades and illuminates your path even as it burns your enemies. The Will of Fire is bravery and kindness. Akane's dedication to the Will of Fire stunned me, inspired me to better understand and accept it into my heart. But taken too far, this flame risks all, consumes all, like wildfire annihilating a forest."

"By now, you have likely heard rumour that I made threats against the Hagoromo, and by extension, the village. These rumours are true. I am deeply ashamed. I unreservedly recant those threats, and my words. The Goketsu will not act against the Hagoromo - no aggression nor provocation will be tolerated. Akane would expect no less. The return of her and her team to the Will of Fire makes the adherence of every Goketsu shinobi to the Will of Fire all the more critical, that this loss not diminish the warmth and goodness of Leaf. Their flames will remain lit. She remains in my heart, and I will not disappoint nor dishonour her."

His teeth hurt. The words hurt, like choking down kunai and vomiting molten metal.

He waited for a heartbeat, and continued.

"I wish to honour Akane, and Mami, and Manato, and Nanao. Goketsu wishes to honour their sacrifice and their memories. I hope that my next actions, kindled by their flames, may serve as a poor imitation of the protection and service they would have offered the village were they still here."

He gestured - first, the handsign for 'safe', to frowns, and then behind him. Mari, out of sight, triggered the MARS chain attached to the charges placed last night. The backdrop crumbled, and so did a carefully-chosen portion of the wall of the Goketsu clan compound, revealing a small building. The shockwave - barely noticeable by Goketsu standards, and a sudden, strong wind by anyone else's - grabbed at Hazo's robes, blew dust and pebbles through the crowd.

It was a marriage of stone and wood. It was green and brown and red. Ken and Hazo had agonized over it, almost come to blows, and agreed on a structure that they thought Akane would have liked. It was small. It had a doorway but no door. The roof hung over the entrance, protecting the space from the weather. Four names were carved into the lintel. It was barely big enough for two people, one standing and one seated behind a desk, but it still looked open and inviting. They'd put it together in a frenzy last night, working almost silently. They'd both wept when it was finished.

Shouts and confusion competed with the muted roar. Hazo projected over both.

"The Goketsu have endowed the Team Akane Seal Bank." He'd flat-out rejected the inclusion of the word 'memorial'. "Any shinobi may withdraw a package of four seals - one storage, three explosive tags - free of charge, at any time. These seals will be replaced as they are destroyed, consumed, or wear out."

The shouting had crescendoed at the words 'seal bank', only to vanish as Hazo held up four seals. The clicking of abacus beads was nigh-audible as every numerate member of the crowd, which had grown since the explosion, reached the same conclusion. This would be a massive expense.

"Leaf provides seals to its shinobi at reasonable prices, but circumstance and misfortune leave theseoften-lifesaving tools too expensive for many shinobi. If there is one thing a Goketsu knows, it is the power of the right seal, in the right place, at the right time. We would see all of Leaf's shinobi thus equipped."

Kei had thrown a fit. Shikamaru had raised both eyebrows. Mari had pursed her lips. Noburi had whistled, and Yuno had clutched Satsuko. Kagome had grumbled, dumped a stack of explosives on the table, and started scribing, then and there. No one had argued.

(Akane's absence hurt.)

"We ask four things of those who would use the seal bank."

His fingers shifted, stiffening the seals in his hand. They stood proud against the wind.

"Please limit your use of the bank to your need: we trust that no Leaf shinobi would dishonour the memories of dead comrades through greed or a desire to hurt the Goketsu through inappropriate use of the bank. If we find that the bank is being abused, we will investigate and respond accordingly."

One seal flickered out of sight, leaving two explosives and the storage seal.

"However, if you are in such need, do not hesitate to make use of the bank. Again: the right seal at the right time in the right place. This can be the difference between the success and failure of a mission, between your death and life, between a joyous reunion and a solemn memorial."

One explosive and the storage seal remained visible. The crowd was still. Hazo ventured a look at the crowd - a real one. He caught the eye of a stunned genin, and continued.

"If you do make use of the bank, and later find yourself in a position to make a contribution of seals or ryo, please do so. These seals and this money will be held independently of Goketsu - at present, the plan is to work with the KEI and Nara to provide independent bookkeeping, allowing donors absolute confidence that donated seals and funds will be used exclusively for the bank."

Only the storage seal remained.

"Finally, we ask that when you use these seals, you think of Team Akane."

The murmuring was still shocked, but it had a different timbre. Hazo lowered his hand, and let the Iron Nerve go - properly, this time.

"The bank will open tomorrow. Please excuse any missteps or issues as we launch this new initiative: our clan is grieving, but we are committed, and appreciate your patience. Team Akane may no longer be with us, but we will honour them as best we can. Make no mistake: this is a significant expense. We welcome and encourage any sealsmith capable and willing to contribute to the bank. We will be reaching out to the KEI and other clans to see if they are interested in donating other tools and equipment to augment the offered seals, but let me be clear: as long a Goketsu sealmaster can hold a brush and mould chakra, as long as the memories of Goketsu Akane, Manato, Nakajima Nanao, and Tomoe Mami burn in our hearts, the bank will stand, and it will serve the shinobi of Leaf."

The confusion coalesced into shouted questions. Hazo ignored them, instead bowing deeply before walking off the stage and back into the compound, passing Noburi and Mari, ready to deter anyone who followed him. His hands hurt - cramped from holding a brush, the same strokes, over and over. He'd stopped counting seals at some point, and just kept going until Kagome made him stop.

Every part of Hazo hurt.

A little less than before.
 
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Apocalypse Initiative, or how I learned to stop worrying and to love the precommitment
Apocalypse Initiative, or how I learned to stop worrying and to love the precommitment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two hours before the break of dawn, breakfast, Hagoromo estate.

Ritsuo looked up from his bowl of quietly mewling rice, the low level panic that'd settled deep in his bones shortly after his elevation to Clan Head suddenly spiking. The Will of Fire was sputtering in fits and bursts! The last time this had happened, the Danger had somehow turned hectares of Fire into the depths of Naraka.

Ritsuo fell into a battleshock, manually inspiring several spirits to create their time lengthening ether, before signing his interpretation of the sputtering flicker at the core of Leaf to the operatives stationed in the room for such an eventuality. One sprinted directly towards the tower, as per SOP.

~~~~~~~
Half an hour earlier, Gōketsu estate.

Hazō considered the two binders in front of him. His eyes ached. His chakra ached. His beliefs ached. He hadn't slept for two nights now, and he was no longer fully able to hold off the related altered mental state.

One held a future of ruin, of corruption. The other of violence and mania; a desperate declaration that the world would shape itself to Hazō's will, or cease to be.

He gently ran his fingers over the green notebook, the same color as Akane's prefered intensive training undersuit - Jashin, how he missed her. Upon it's front was indented "Apocalypse Initiative".

He wondered which the Hagoromo would prefer.

Hazō shook himself out of his reverie, and rose to his feet. He called out, "Noburi? Can you come in? Sorry for having you wait outside."

Noburi backed into the room, his hands occupied by a massive platter of delectable…. sweet meat pastries? "No problem at all! I was actually a few minutes behind anyways. What's up?"

[Dispel]

Steam rose into the air, and Hazō's stomach began growling. He employed hungry-questioning-eyebrow #4, the varient used for diplomacy with possibly dangerous volatile results… though now that Hazō thought about it, that actually described most forms of diplomacy he engaged in. Unsettling.

Noburi tossed him a pastry in response.

"Did Satsuko take up baking as well?" Hazō demanded merrily, falling into a congenial mood.

"Yuno makes a batch of these every morning she's in town. She takes about half with her to her various commitments, feeding any hungry genin she sees." Noburi paused, clearly waiting for some kind of input.

"..... are you intending me to infer, oh brother of mine that the platter you bear is the other half?"

Noburi grinned, his trap sprung.

"Indeed you were. You fool. You absolute ignoramus."

Hazō pointedly did not change his facial expression.

"Tough crowd." Nob-*Barrel Boy* flicked his wrist, and a Gōketsu standard cord of ten storage seals impacted the table, sliding between the two notebooks that both ninja were deliberately ignoring.

"That's the other half. Yuno paid for cooking lessons in Isan because she wanted to be the foundation of a massive family. Turns out when she got to Leaf, she kept learning."

Hazō nodded, delighted. Yuno was a gem with many hidden facets, and he always had less time to spend with her - and the rest of his family - than he thought. He asked, curious, "Who from? I imagine it wasn't the Akimichi, though now that I think about it that could be a nice birthday present." Hazō took his first bite as Noburi responded. Decadent!

Noburi blinked. "Good idea, and no, it wasn't."

Noburi smilled, a gentler thing this time.

"She really was destined for us, you know. She got to Leaf, and one of the first things she did was find some civilian grannies running a catering service to teach her. She said that the structure of learning kept her calm while she didn't know where the winds were blowing, but honestly? I think she just ran across them and liked them, and they liked her. Taught her the ins and outs of running a kitchen for small events."

"That is so specific but also startlingly impressive."

Noburi shrugged, unbothered by the inturruption. "Yeah, that about sums it up. Anyway! She cooks every day in the Gōketsu kitchens, but the *front hall kitchens*. She's consistent enough that word got around, and a few genin popped in and bugged her for pointers. She refused a couple of times, until Satsuko had the great idea of giving tips to anyone who helped her cook! She already cooked with some other Gōketsu civilians, so it wouldn't be too much of an imposition to have more hands."

Noburi waited a beat before continuing.

Hazō did not question Satsuko offering a suggestion. He refused to think about that today.

"These pastries were cooked by Gōketsu civilians, a Gōketsu ninja, two KEI Genin, an Inuzuka nin while their partner assisted with scrap cleanup. Today we also had a Hyūga in attendance!"

Hazō's brows rose. "Now what's the story there?"

"Long, and ultimately unimportant. If you guess somewhere between crush, honest desire to learn, and taboo desire to use a weapon you might be in the right ballpark."

Hazō's head hurt. He thought of Akane rubbing the base of his neck despite himself. There was no one else he could trust to touch him there, and his body missed the physical release of tension while his heart missed the emotional release of isolation.

He chose not to respond.

"... Right." Noburi continued.

"Anyway, we have a strict no non-Gōketsu bloodline policy in place for obvious reasons, and turns out that the Hyūga actually flicker their bloodline pretty often in busy situations to keep track of everyone. Hyūga, Hinatas sister by the way, Hanabi, lost focus earlier, and ran headfirst into granny Mikoto, knocked her over."

"And there's a reason we're not burning down the Hyūga estate?"

"There is. Hanabi was *beside herself*. She yelled out an apology before activating her Dōjutsu to find me, asking Inuzuka to send their partner for me."

"Interesting."

Noburi's grin faded slightly. "Interesting?"

"Noburi, why didn't she just ask Inuzuka to send her partner? Hanabi created an excuse to use her Dōjutsu in our compound under a guise of unintentionally leaking that our efforts to bridge the gaps have been effective."

Noburi's jaw tensed, then relaxed, accepting he'd been played.
"... Fuck, I completely missed that. Have I ever actually mentioned, in seriousness, that I'm glad you're the one in charge?"


"Once or twice. Anyway, dont think too much about it. This is in the ballpark of what ive been expecting from the Hyūga after my recent advances, though this seems too sloppy to be backed by Hinata and the elders. Hanabi is Hinata's blood sister right? She probably got the clan Heir training as well then - it explains why she'd come up with a three stage plot instead of just waiting for a better opportunity. She knows how to use the tools but has none of the responsibility informing her *when* to." Hazō drummed his fingers on the table in front of him.

"Interesting. I can use this well, I think. Thank you for the story, and thank you for the pastries! They really are good." Hazō's face turned serious.

"It's time, then?" Noburi pulled the water out of his barrel, and deposited it into four equal containers for Hazō to use.

"It's time." Hazō confirmed, before handing the notebook off to Noburi, and summoning his first shadow clone of the day.
 
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Omake: Chapter 6OO: Buy Me Time
Chapter 6OO: Buy Me Time.

"When else would we act?" Shikamaru asked. "Every passing year induces more risk. Would you accept killing Isan's next generation instead of this one? Or the one thereafter? Knowing, of course, that every step down this ladder risks the rest of the world as well."


A vision flashed through Hazō's mind, hell wind crashing down into Isan. Each other option had been pruned away, seemingly by fate. There was nothing he could do.

He froze.

There was nothing he could do now.

"Put a number on that for me - how much additional risk does one year cause? Can you buy me that time? Assume we step up our Isan containment efforts with risky political plays, weakening Leaf but keeping EM secret."

Both Nara and Mori involuntarily leaned back, their minds and talent focused on the problem.

The genius spoke first, "if we spend a truly ludicrous amount of political capital to make Isan unappealing to other powers while simultaneously boosting their economy into a golden age, the risk envelope only grows roughly ten percent, compared to removing the threat now."

The optimizer spoke second, "Unnecessary. The two approaches can be combined. Isan is fraught with paralyzing internal politics; if we promote their isolationist power bloc behind the scenes while publicly showering them with gifts to beg for their alliance their leadership will be paralyzed and their followers will happily stay to reap the benefits we provide."

She continued, "This will not work long term. Within two years the plot will be discovered, but it is nearly guaranteed to work until the next Chūnin exams.

Both thinkers turned to Hazō, and questioned in near unison, "Why?".

Asuma watched the byplay, his mask revealing nothing.

"What if the storm EM causes is an emergent property of wind spirits hating the cold, rather than an effect specifically from the EM jutsu?"

Shikamaru answered instantly, "Then life is doomed to end. Eventually someone will accidentally or purposefully destroy civilization via unleashing blizzard-river spirits into the heart of population centers."

Hazō nodded - he'd been expecting that answer.

"Have you considered the Hazō factor?" Hazō questioned, his mask entirely serious.

Asuma's mask broke at that, "This is NOT the time for jokes Gōketsu! First, this entire conspiracy is pointless because EM itself isn't the danger, then second the conspiracy is pointless because you yourself can solve it?!"

Uncertainty soured Hazō's stomach, "I'm sorry, you're right. I was using levity as a crutch so I can keep throwing ideas out without collapsing under the horror of what we're doing here. I promise there's substance behind the joke."

Mari opened her mouth, then closed it, not seeing the expected need to smooth things over between Hazō and his boss.

Hazō took a deep breath to center himself, then began to speak.

"Sealing can do anything. I mean that literally - Sealing taps into the building blocks of reality in a way that little else does. I haven't had time to research any seals that may prevent EM from going off, or potentially from my hypothetical emergent property having an effect, but they are categorically possible."

Asuma nodded, the lore from his predecessors covered this.

Kei nodded, the lore from living with Kagome covered this.

Mari nodded, the lore from wrangling Hazō covered this.

Shikamaru blanched, turning white as bone porcelain. He then turned an interesting shade of green, before a wave of exhaustion seemed to come over him.

"Troublesome."

Hazō grimaced, "Yeah, assuming I live long enough I fully plan on Sealing away aspects of Sealing itself. Otherwise a given chakra capable person could theoretically end the world just by infusing some chakra into the scribbles their kid made."

The silence was deafening, and Hazō quickly continued, "THATS INCREDIBLY UNLIKELY. Really bad Sealing failures are generally related to the intent of the seal perverted by unaccounted for astrological variables. With a novice there's no intent, so the scope of the failure is much smaller."

The room relaxed, moderately.

"We'll trust your expertise Hazō, continue." Asuma wiped his face, stress billowing off him in waves.

"Right. Elemental mastery. A seal to turn off this weapon is not only possible, it's possible in any way I can imagine it, if I have the skill to bring it into being. With paper Sealing I'd likely need to dedicate the rest of my life to this project, and thus wouldn't be able to offer it as a solution. Chakra diffusion is just too big of an issue, and paper seals don't work with nearly enough chakra to punch through the ambient noise"

Hazō lipped his suddenly dry lips, finding he needed a new movement to do so.

"I'm on the verge of being able to create 3D seals, my control just isn't fine enough, though there are a couple other things I want to try. Once I can, I'll make an anti-EM-apocalypse seal. If the range can hit the whole EN from wherever I put it great, if not we can either build copies secretly all over the place, or loop in other village leaders into our cabal to directly get permission, hell maybe we could even sync that up to the next chūnin exams to start negotiating."

Shikamaru spoke, "Hazō... even if your plan works, look at the numbers. You're betting on finishing a research project in a field that you haven't broken into yet that hasn't been touched since the sage himself, at the cost of a 10% inc-"

"8%. Your math was bad and you forgot to account for NOBURI."

Shikamaru huffed, "fine, an 8% chance for civilization to end. Hazō, at the upper end there are 500 men, women, and children in Isan. Their continued existence puts the lives of all humanity, including themselves, at risk. There are 2.5 million people in the elemental nations, as far as we are aware. If this decision is hard, that is us saying that a 100% chance for 500 people to die is equivalent or worse to an 8% chance for 2.5 million people to die. This is the calculus of putting a value on life - which is worse? 500 people dying or the equivalent of 200,000 people dying?"

Kei grew angry, "Why do you insist on being pessismistic?!"

The room stared at Kei in silence. Mari considered dispelling.

"Those calculations fail to take the..." Kei glared at Hazō, "Hazō factor into account. If we are presupposing a world where we can prevent elemental mastery from ending the world directly rather than removing all knowledge of it, then obviously we are going to have more tools at our disposal by the time we do so! Our job will get easier!"

An anbu agent entered and signed, two sharp movement that Asuma had been dreading.

"I need to leave now if we are going to have a chance this year. I'll think on the way. " A stone faced Hokage stood and moved to leave, when he found a shaking lord Gōketsu standing in front of him.

"Sir. Just buy me time, please. All I need is more time. I don't think killing Isan will truly solve the problem, and will just end with 500 fewer allies against the dark". Hazō forced himself to look up, past the field gear, past the chakdar slipped under Asuma's vest, and finally to his eyes.

Hazō shook at the still distant look in his Kage's eyes.

"I'll think on the way."
 
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Omake: A Murder God Is You

Omake: A Murder God Is You


Kagome-sensei had warned him, long ago: a stressed-out, fatigued, or freshly-traumatised sealmaster could fall prey to a dangerous fallacy, a failed conception. Saviour Syndrome. The deeply-held belief that by scribing the right seal, the sufficient array, the perfect plan, the superlative list, one could make all well and fix what cannot be. An obligatorily destructive endeavour, that belief put in practice only ever resulted in tragedy.

But Hazō was not a stressed-out, fatigued, or freshly traumatised sealmaster. Indeed, he felt more lucid than he had at any point in the last month. And he had outgrown his master, for all that he respected him, they both knew it.

No longer did he use the flawed creations of men, in an art that granted, was long-developed and elegant, but he now was tapping into the primeval substances that shaped the world.

Hazō was stressed-out, fatigued, and freshly-traumatised, but sealmaster was no longer a satisfactory nomer. By eschewing the need for paper and tools, bypassing simple carvings (an eidolon of the purer arts), and skipping ahead to the true heart of sealing, stolen fully-shaped from the earth in high-relief like gargantuan bones of a dread beast, he was now a sealshaper.

With but a detailed thought, and application of his chakra, from the ground could rise his machines, written in a language both too deep for the matter they were made of and too true to be made of anything else. Around him, pillars, arches, roofs, would grow fully formed. Chains and branches would sprout and link diverse structures, geometrical yet irregular interlockings of mazes he knew the secret to, with no correct path but all at once and sideways through time.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o​

That was the theory. After a week of planning, the practice in effect left him panting, exhausted, in the dead city of stone and dirt he infused his life-force shaping from the ground. More power than he had would be required to power this mad labyrinth of serpentine angles, but he had accounted for this.

A step one, done and over with. Drinking a vial of water containing the power of his brother's birth right, he felt the familiar buzzing of an energy not his own, untamed and yet within himself. He pushed every last bit of that chakra in the displaced earth around him.

The structure could power itself through its basic function, amplifying the power in magnitude and essence, burning itself into the world as a fully-powered engine of both order and chaos.

When the infusion succeeded, a thin crust of earth fell off the newly-formed Seal, willing itself into existence, made of gleaming crystals with an air of ice, inspired by the lattices that so entranced his sister. The enhanced power was visible, coursing through the crystal as though it were veins of a waking behemoth, somehow both skeletal and gigantic.

All that was left for the exhausted man in the labyrinth was to jolt his consciousness a tiny bit out of frame. Move it slightly out of the way, disconnect it a bit from the body it was stuck in, and his Last Seal would do the rest.

Breathing in, Hazō focused on Akane and Ino, twain anchors of his to the material world. He held their images in his mind, the scent of their hair, the glint of their many smiles, the heat from their skin.

Breathing out, he let go of them.

And he was gone.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o​

Fire.

Fire and screaming and crashes. That was what it would feel like, if Hazō could still feel.

Unprotected by the Paint and the cobweb of "reality," he splintered. Guided by a machine more real than anything else, the splinters recompiled. Rebuilt themselves. Recombined into a being greater than he'd ever been.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Hazō - no, the new-Hazō, Shin-Hazō, knew what to do. Thrown at the beginning of time, with life eternal, he could... he could solve it. Learn every secret, find every loophole, avoid wars, achieve Uplift easily, even rescue Akane...

He saw her die again, murdered by Rock spies in broad daylight.

But he could do this. He had to. He erected the Last Seal again, sending his spirit into the depths of time again. He would manipulate the world line more carefully.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o​

Hazō (Shin) would do everything to prevent the last war, robbing them of the cause for murder.

But Akane did not live to be born in a world without the source of Rock and Leaf's enmity.

He built his Last Seal once more. This time, he would be more hands-on.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Hasshin would not prevent wars. Civilians, ninja, nobles, animals, they all were dead more times than saving them once would be worth. The weight of the hundredfold sin of letting them die, compounded by millions of lives on each world, bore on his back. But he needed to solve this. He had to see it through to the end. And if he failed... if he failed he could always try again.

Akane lived, but he was fatally wounded in saving her. Only time enough to activate it all again, with reserves long prepared - just in case.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o​

Hashin expended lives time and again, eliminating threats, burning causality at the root. He would burn it all, all, to protect her. To save her. To make things right again.

She took her own life when he did, his unseen hand crafting a world too bleak for her to survive in.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o​

Jashin taught murder, indiscriminate murder, moderated by repopulation. All to a select few. Plans in centuries, tactics over decades, strategies by the ebb and flow of generations. Wars played like symphonies to the ear of the Mad God. Invisibly guiding his pawns to the only end state to the game that he would accept. The only end that could be.

He would fix the world. He would make it right. He was bringing Akane back, no matter what.
 
OMAKE: Chapter 6OP
OMAKE: Chapter 6OP



Asuma sprinted into the sky. The new information from his armsdealer née treason bunny née civilian sympathizer née --


It refused to coagulate into a coherent picture. Slivers of infinite despair warred against bleak, chosen, fated evil. Lesser evil, yes, but the lessons of Warmth and Protection his father left him warped and screamed at the thought of slaughtering hundreds of innocents - no, worse. Allies.


HHisSelf
began to Tear


"Halt!" Asuma whipped out a hand, signalling his desire for his attendants to build a skytower. Thirty seconds later Asuma knelt above the clouds, charcoal and paper in hand.



The Will of Fire is the will to protect, to use violence towards peaceful ends. Death, by his hand is obviously just if his ends are peaceful. Are they?


The Will of Fire also recognizes that using violence changes a person. Each time you reach for it you flinch a little less. You consider it earlier and earlier, until you're unrecognizable to your past self
.


Shikamaru's logic holds. Does it? I must know.

The Hokage began jotting down notes, muttering under his breath as he went, "Relevant factors are my current trajectory, the probability that Hazō successfully creates an EM countermeasure within a year - he has a fantastic track record here and he's confident enough to beg me. I'll give him an 80% chance. I'm split, so my prior isn't a consideration. If the world starts to end, I give him a 1% chance to turn it around. Shikamaru gave me an 8% chance for the world to end in the next year. Ah fuck, how does this all go together?"



P(A|B) = [(.8) * (.5)]/[(.92 * .8) +(.08 * .01)]



Asuma blitzed through the calculations, decades of training having prepared his mind for this moment.


.543 - less than a tenth in favor of mercy.


His mouth set in a grim line, Asuma made two sharp moments once again, and resumed running to Isan.



More thought is required
 
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Omake: You want me to what?
[⚔️] Give Itachi some earnest sarcasm.
  • Title.
  • Deal with the consequences.
Since y'all too wimp to vote for real plans guess I gonna have to do it myself.

...


Itachi nodded.

"Your words from that time have convinced me that you have too much value to simply eliminate, either for your ongoing contribution to Akatsuki deaths or because you risk becoming an obstacle for our objectives. You may stay in Leaf and continue your work of Uplift. So long as you do not interfere with our plans, we will not interfere with yours.

"Or you can come to Rain and speak with Sasori. If he accepts you as his assistant, together you will reopen the rift that much faster. Once we rescue Nagato and usher in a true era of peace, his power and wisdom will create a world where your dreams and ours are within easy reach. Dedicating yourself to that rescue is your best way to earn his trust and ours. Of course, until that trust is earned, until Nagato is restored to us, communication with your fellows in Leaf will be out of the question.

"The choice is yours."


Hazō looked confused. But he felt sassy. "Sasori? Why would I want to be his assistant?"

"I don't have time to waste repeating myself," Itachi replied dismissively, before wasting his time repeating himself. "You may come to Rain and offer Sasori your help to open the Rift."

Earnestness failing, Hazō tried tact.

"I'm sorry, I don't think I expressed myself clearly. If I had time, taking a vacation from all the important stuff I'm doing to sit down and do rift research would sound grand. But even if I did have time, why would I," he pointed to himself, "want to busboy for some has-been talentless nobody like Sasori?"

Hazō was surprised he didn't see Itachi's eyes turn red, but this might have just been the fact that Hazō wasn't looking anywhere near Itachi's eyes.

"Sasori is likely the greatest sealsmaster alive."

Lacking anywhere else to put it, Hazō directed his incredulous look directly into the ground. "Correct me if I'm wrong," Sassō held up his fingers to count on, "but I know Sasori to have done exactly three meaningful things with his life.

"One, he fucked up as a kid and murdered a bunch of ninja from Sand for probably-stupid reasons.

"Two, I'm guessing he helped Pain with the big ritual, which obviously wasn't his idea, but you know he doesn't have much else going for him so whatever, point to him.

"Three, he stole one of my research ideas and now he's stealing my research too, because he knows the only reason he's even in this game is because I'm fucking busy.

"Please correct me if I'm wrong."

To his credit, Itachi paused.

"Sasori is a member of Akatsuki. Akatsuki will change the world."

Hazō laughed. "Man, you know I used to be confused about Akatsuki. What's the point of going around, gathering all these bloodlusted ninja up into such a powerful group, saying you're there to change the world, and then doing almost nothing with your time?

"Today cleared that up. The only one of you who ever really gave a Sage-damned inch is dead."

Not many people know this, but Itachi's eyes burn when they are angry.

"Every member of Akatsuki is here for Nagato's cause. We are here because your last Hokage played AMITY for fools and now we are upholding the peace. You will not spit on Nagato's legacy like this."

"Sage's ballsack, stop playing fucking pretend! You are here because a certain moron put an innocent village in a position where it only had one option, and now the rest of you opportunistic vultures are taking AMITY as an excuse to pick the flesh off the corpse you just murdered before all the less dumb villages correctly deduce the new status quo is just the old status quo except sabotage works even better than it used to and the evil people at the top are even more openly evil than they used to be.

"It's not sealmastery what this would look like if you were actually here for the reasons you pretend you were here for. Hidan would have said he was taking Asuma into custody, rather than just slicing him in half. Akatsuki's decisions would be made in weeks, not minutes, and explained in the court of all its members. Legitimate investigations would be made. Damages would be made in a non-arbitrary fashion so as to encourage forward-stability and counter the increase in participation costs."

"Don't pretend I am stupid, Gōketsu. You are paying because you killed Kakuzu."

"Oh I'm sure Hidan must be crushed that somebody died... Yes, I killed Kakuzu. Not the civilians I have in my care, hoping for a better life in the moment before some random ninja that thinks they're oh so special because they have magic eyes murders them for their gold. At least the farmers would have had a reason to want the guy who kept them in perpetual poverty in the ground, but guess whose lives you're ruining for this supposed justice you're supposedly justified in enacting?

"Does the Seventh path dying to the dragons seem like a great thing to you too? Leaf is kind of necessary right now and you're running around threatening to kill all the people on this plane who might stop it getting eaten. Sage, between having killed one of the most actually-important people in the world that was actually working on saving it, and throwing the rest of Leaf into inescapable poverty, do you realize how much you've actually fucked things up? Skyslicers aren't going to work twice, you know, this shit ain't easy."

"You are reminding me how dangerous you are, Gōketsu."

"Sage fucking get over yourself, fuck, am I surrounded by three year olds?

"I put a SEAL on a PIECE OF THREAD. Before that, oh Sage, I took a hemisphere and I... oh no, I turned it upside down!!

"What's he going to do next, eat soup with a spoon instead of pouring it on his head and licking at his face? The madman must be stopped! We can never let such heights of ingenuity tarnish the great pillars of ignorance that we have built!

"Y'all think you so smart just because you can stick someone with a kunai real good. You want me to fetch coffee for Sasori because he so smort he can kill a person real good. Oh my word killing people is NOT HARD. I am more impressive than that even if you ignore the whole sealing thing. You are not impressive. You are not even impressive enough to know the things I am doing that are impressive. You didn't even build AMITY, that was Ami, it's in the Sage's name. Why are you like this oh my—"

The last thing Hazō remembers is a whole lot of pain, and really wanting to know how the post-interaction survey went.
 
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