Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

ChairAgainstWall · Sep 12, 2019

Tsunade is Best Ninja. That's my takeaway from this, anyway.

Ironbread · Sep 12, 2019

ChairAgainstWall said:
Tsunade is Best Ninja. That's my takeaway from this, anyway.

I'm pretty sure we already knew that 😂

faflec · Sep 12, 2019

Rice plants are chakra monsters!?

WHAT THE HELL THAT FUCKING BITCH LIED NOT EVERYTHING HAS HORRIBLE CHAKRA POWERS MY ASS

Byzantine · Sep 12, 2019

faflec said:
Rice plants are chakra monsters!?

WHAT THE HELL THAT FUCKING BITCH LIED NOT EVERYTHING HAS HORRIBLE CHAKRA POWERS MY ASS

There is a single blade a grass that is not a chakra mon... Nevermind. It died.

Enjou · Sep 12, 2019

faflec said:
Rice plants are chakra monsters!?

WHAT THE HELL THAT FUCKING BITCH LIED NOT EVERYTHING HAS HORRIBLE CHAKRA POWERS MY ASS

Not everything has horrible chakra powers. I am told that there is wildlife in Bear that doesn't. Mind you, said wildlife is still horrifically lethal, it just doesn't need horrible chakra powers to stand at the top of the food chain.

charlesrwest · Sep 12, 2019

I still think mass producing storage seals (particularly if we make a civilian usable variant) is the best thing we can do to help.

Logistics + food storage + construction

Cariyaga · Sep 12, 2019

So, I think we should supply the Yamanaka/Tsunade funding for mental health research. It's not a field that's likely to get research without us helping it along.

Noumero · Sep 13, 2019

Enjou said:
Not everything has horrible chakra powers. I am told that there is wildlife in Bear that doesn't. Mind you, said wildlife is still horrifically lethal, it just doesn't need horrible chakra powers to stand at the top of the food chain.

Fifi is from Bear? That... explains much.

Sentient Tree · Sep 13, 2019

Velorien said:
Plus, these plants had been harvested for generations; everyone knew perfectly well that if they were ever allowed to fully mature then they would seek out their tormentors for retribution.

Rice plants are sentient, and have been tormented for generations for the purposes of growing food. That's fun.

KaGoGoGadgetMe · Sep 13, 2019

Sentient Tree said:
Rice plants are sentient, and have been tormented for generations for the purposes of growing food. That's fun.

That's just his characterization of it. It seems just as likely to me that the plants are mindless creatures which will seek out and eviscerate any source of delicious hot blood within their sensory radius, rather than specifically seeking out "their tormentors".

faflec · Sep 13, 2019

Sentient Tree said:
Rice plants are sentient, and have been tormented for generations for the purposes of growing food. That's fun.

Lailoken said:
"Boss? I need shadow clone. Like, right now."

*sigh* "Fine. Have you decided who you're going to murder?"

"Right now I'm mostly planning on using it for training and dating..."

"No, I mean to unlock your first shadow clone. I have a suggestion if you need one."

"...you're screwing with me as revenge for the uplift speech, aren't you?"

"Yes, but that doesn't make it a lie. Why do you think the technique was developed by the most kind and compassionate ninja to ever live? Why do you think that I don't have Noburi's barrel on tap and a dozen clones doing my paperwork all day? Even for the most disciplined ninja, manifesting a shadow clone tends to leave the both of you in a not-a-paperwork frame of mind."

"You can't possibly be murdering somebody you love each time you make a clone."

"Of course not. Throwing a piece of your soul into a standard clone is trivial. 90% of the shadow clone jutsu is just a simple mnemonic autogenjutsu to re-experience the full traumatic horror on command when you want to manifest a clone. The hard part is murdering somebody you love to tear your soul apart in the first place. Or, murdering lots of people you like. Or, murdering lots and lots of people you just generally would prefer hadn't died. Theoretically, you could also just helplessly watch somebody else do it, but a dash of guilt really helps ensure sufficient emotional anguish. Of course, you do need a different memory for each clone you want to simultaneously manifest. Some people can get away with just murdering their own clones to get more, but most find that after unlocking the first we kinda hate ourselves too much for that approach to work. Well, unless you're talking about the mass shadow clone version, but there's a reason that one is forbidden."

"...so, it's not just a case of an advanced clone technique with some extra chakra cost?"

"Son, you really should have figured this out by now. What do you think chakra even is? Why do you think anybody in a position to know anything rolls their eyes when you talk about using chakra to reduce human suffering? Why do you think the Sage set the Summon Path up to be an endless grinding warzone for everybody but his damned carrion birds? Why do you think Sunny has been forced to spread her work around instead of being allowed to focus in a single nation? Why do you think she, Gai, and Lee philosophically stick to just punching things instead of expending their reserves? If you punch somebody, you paint a wall. If you ninjutsu somebody you paint a wall and as you regenerate also ensure that somewhere nearby an innocent child starves to death because their parents have been reduced to skinsuits by Aburame-wasp colonies. Human suffering creates chakra and chakra creates human suffering."

"..."

"Do you have any idea how many emergency scorch squad missions I had to send out to make up for the suffering deficit created by that till-n-fill subsidization stunt you pulled?"

"..."

"Who did you want your clone to date again?"

"..."

"Hazou? Hazou, please stop twitching. It's creepy."

So it's not just limited to human suffering...

Sentient Tree · Sep 13, 2019

KaGoGoGadgetMe said:
That's just his characterization of it. It seems just as likely to me that the plants are mindless creatures which will seek out and eviscerate any source of delicious hot blood within their sensory radius, rather than specifically seeking out "their tormentors".

Boy do I hope so.

Noumero · Sep 13, 2019

faflec said:
So it's not just limited to human suffering...

Hmm. We should try to cultivate a rice strand optimized for experiencing suffering, preferably exceeding human ability to comprehend it by several dozens of orders of magnitude. Once the majority of the experiential content of reality is running on our rice-based hypersuffering farms, we'll be able to exploit our monopoly on the correspondingly ludicrous amounts of chakra to lay waste to our enemies and uplift the world unopposed.

This is the only ethically correct way forward. Nothing shall stand between us and making people happy.

Twinnstars · Sep 13, 2019

This makes me think we should get into textiles to make juvenile rice-claw resistant clothing to sell/give to civvies

Emstar · Sep 13, 2019

Twinnstars said:
This makes me think we should get into textiles to make juvenile rice-claw resistant clothing to sell/give to civvies

This I can get behind.

We'll need something better materials wise for our chakrapunk Iron Man suits anyway.

faflec · Sep 13, 2019

It's a shame we don't have an easy way to mass-produce tough animal leather. Like a jutsu or seal that can make skin grow uncontrollably...

Sentient Tree · Sep 13, 2019

Noumero said:
Hmm. We should try to cultivate a rice strand optimized for experiencing suffering, preferably exceeding human ability to comprehend it by several dozens of orders of magnitude. Once the majority of the experiential content of reality is running on our rice-based hypersuffering farms, we'll be able to exploit our monopoly on the correspondingly ludicrous amounts of chakra to lay waste to our enemies and uplift the world unopposed.

This is the only ethically correct way forward. Nothing shall stand between us and making people happy.

Guys, I found the Kyubey!

KaGoGoGadgetMe · Sep 13, 2019

faflec said:
It's a shame we don't have an easy way to mass-produce tough animal leather.

Too bad things are sour with the pangolins. We could trade for their shed scales and cure them to make armour.

ContextBot · Sep 13, 2019

faflec said:
It's a shame we don't have an easy way to mass-produce tough animal leather. Like a jutsu or seal that can make skin grow uncontrollably...

You're a funny clown.

Just use Tapir from Isan, they aren't people.

Kiba · Sep 13, 2019

So, uh. It's time to review the previous winning plan to see if we missed anything?

Oneiros · Sep 13, 2019

Last plan
[X] Action plan: we're finally going on a lyin' hunt

Village assignments:
1. Stay for two days.
  1. Talk with Shikamaru about adopting an ISC medical researcher.
  2. Start drawing the hundreds of implosion seal blanks we'll need for testing.
  3. Convene Goketsu Gaming Mondays. Invite Naruto and KEI specifically.
  4. Look at the Toad Scroll, fully unfurled. Is it downloadable?
2. Be obnoxiously helpful for Hiashi.
3. Noburi:
  1. Keep compiling:
    1. Adoption candidates
    2. Basement loot
  2. Watch for:
    1. Mist Merchants with our seal.
4. Mari:
  1. Arrange backchannels with Ami.
  2. Do the thing with clanless "branch housing". You have carte blanche.
  3. Taijutsu training for KEI?
SINs
1. Take a high ranking chakra beast extermination mission.
  1. Party members: Hazou, Akane, Kagome, Naruto.
    1. "We'll go blow some stuff up, make a few other things, and prank Hiashi on a whole new level."
2. Objectives inside Fire borders: (3 Weeks)
  1. Testing Stacked Implosion Nukes.
    1. Ensure we aren't followed. Test away from civilization.
    2. Follow Kagome's suggestions.
      1. Naruto permitted to see Implosion seals?
    3. Preparation:
      1. Create a container that we can place an implosion seal in that won't rupture when the air rushes in.
      2. Activate the implosion seal.
      3. Close the container.
      4. Repeat until we have a significant amount of filled implosion seals.
    4. Testing:
      1. Prepare 5SB reinforced blast shielding.
      2. Detonate increasing amounts of filled implosion seals stacked together until kill radius exceeds 150m.
  2. Salterns:
    1. Use MEW to wall off sections of ocean.
    2. Freeze with EM.
    3. Boil leftover brine.
  3. Complete land sale. Clear said land.
  4. Guerilla civil engineering inFire only.
    1. Prepare any signs in granite using inscription jutsu.
      1. Signs should have quotes or imagery hinting at an association to Jiraiya or Goketsu.
    2. Build bridges, erect monuments extolling Leaf's generosity and greatness, clear out entirely new villages, etc.
      1. Arrange the work so a skywalking ninja sees Jiraiya laughing.
  5. Find, rebuild, and re-key Jiraiya's contacts/network.
    1. Use guerilla civil engineering as cover.
  6. Expand our contact list.
  7. Kill our target.

Emstar · Sep 13, 2019

[X] Action plan: we're finally going on a lyin' hunt

Kiba · Sep 13, 2019

[X] Action plan: we're finally going on a lyin' hunt

Byzantine · Sep 13, 2019

[X] Action plan: we're finally going on a lyin' hunt

I see no mistakes, but I may just be blind.

Lailoken · Sep 13, 2019

Doesn't Hazou still need to learn how to use the ring boxes?

Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

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