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Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

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Oh yeah, we should ask Keiko if she wants us to offer Ana(?) a place in Leaf, too, and clear that by J. Her old friend that had a misunderstanding.
 
Meanwhile at the Kurosawa compound

SHIN: What? WHAT!? OH FUCK YES!!!

VOICES IN SHIN'S HEAD: oh my god we're so fucking screwed and he doesn't even know it that idiot goddamn Team Uplift bullshit


 
Cariyaga said:
Oh yeah, we should ask Keiko if she wants us to offer Ana(?) a place in Leaf, too, and clear that by J. Her old friend that had a misunderstanding.
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MMKII said:
Meanwhile at the Kurosawa compound

SHIN: What? WHAT!? OH FUCK YES!!!

VOICES IN SHIN'S HEAD: oh my god we're so fucking screwed and he doesn't even know it that idiot goddamn Team Uplift bullshit

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If Keiko says yes, we can extract a favor out of him to get the rest of his team in on it too.
 
Okay, priority one: mess with Ren with a vengeance.

Priority two: find Zabuza's new apprentice and seduce her.



TaliesinSkye said:
Broadcasting killing intent seems to do something like that, and maybe that's some sort of bastardized version of a much more flexible form of communication that the Sage taught, one that we've held on to because of the ninja tendency to focus only on how we can weaponize everything.
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-says the kid who's been casually pondering how to turn air conditioning and PA systems into WMDs...



Inferno Vulpix said:
How long until, once the negotiations are over, Zabuza leverages his popularity and back-from-the-grave legend to convince Ren to abdicate the hat so he can become Mizukage?

After all, Zabs can totally take Ren in a fight.
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Lailoken said:
"Here, I found something you lost. On the way back he convinced me to become the new Hokage."

"Errr, the Mizukage?"

"No."
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Cariyaga said:
If Keiko says yes, we can extract a favor out of him to get the rest of his team in on it too.
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I don't really care much for acquiring Anna or Kiri. They're aight, but I'm not going to exert effort keeping them around. Shin has a large pile of incentives for playing ball with us and not fucking us over, the other two don't.

'sides, why would you wanna bring Keiko's ex over to Leaf? That's just mean! She'll be Keiko's ex ex once Tenten finds out about the bullying, and we'll have a war on our hands!
 
MMKII said:
I don't really care much for acquiring Anna or Kiri. They're aight, but I'm not going to exert effort keeping them around. Shin has a large pile of incentives for playing ball with us and not fucking us over, the other two don't.

'sides, why would you wanna bring Keiko's ex over to Leaf? That's just mean! She'll be Keiko's ex ex once Tenten finds out about the bullying, and we'll have a war on our hands!
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Yes, that is why we ask Keiko.
 
faflec said:
Some weird part of me is screaming that Zabuza is gonna put his support behind Ren (or whomever would support him the most) in exchange for getting her Mist citizenship.
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My insider voices sources are telling me that this is very likely.

REN: Zabuza, I have brought the Yuki clan head as you requested. What is this about?

ZABUZA: *standing besides a weirdly human-shaped cloth bag* Thank you. Remember how I am the world's greatest hunter-nin? Because I happen to have gone and above the call of duty and tracked down a replacement son for Lady Yuki here.

YUKI: I'm sorry, you did what?

ZABUZA: I know, sometimes I astound even myself. But considering your precious Haku fell and tripped on my sword because I asked him to fetch it for me, I feel slightly responsible. And let it be known that I always pay my debts.

ZABUZA: *pulls out a struggling and gagged Yukino from out of the cloth bag* Ta-da! A new Haku.

YUKINO: Hnnghrhgh?!

YUKI: I think that might be a girl and not my real Haku. I have to admit they look unerringly similar however.

ZABUZA: Cool, huh? So how about adopting her into your clan and just make her dress in boy's clothing? I can assure that no one would be able to tell the difference if she never spoke. Hence why I equipped her with a Haku Voice Modulator.

REN: That's just a gag to prevent her from speaking.

ZABUZA: *nods furiously* Exactly. Haku barely spoke as it is so it fits perfectly. What do you say, Lady Yuki? Another chance to come to peace with your son's passing right there.

YUKI: I... I don't think that's how loss or grieving works, you know.

ZABUZA: I wouldn't know. I am not the type to lose loved ones; I am the cause. But anyway, thin--

HAZOU: Aunt Ren! There you are. I am glad I found you in time. We were going to head back to Leaf now but you must have forgotten to hand me the birthday presents you owe me. An innocent mistake, I'm sure. So abo--

HAZOU: Woah, it's Zabuza! Everyone get down on the ground now! *flops on his belly*

ZABUZA: Your survival instincts give you credit, young Goketsu. But I am your enemy no longer.

HAZOU: Oh, right. Haha.

HAZOU: ...

HAZOU: Say, rumor has it you managed to cheat death and come back to life. Would you be willing to teach me how? I always wanted to become immortal.

ZABUZA: Don't be ridiculous, this is a Secret Forbidden Technique known only to few. I'd be a fool to just hand them out to the first kid that asked.

HAZOU: Aunt Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen, tell him to teach me! You still owe me.

ZABUZA: Hah, as if that is going to work.

HAZOU: Don't make me tell Mommy.

REN: Zabuza, I hereby order you to teach my favorite nephew how you came back from the dead.

ZABUZA: What. What exactly happened while I was gone?

REN: Just do it. Trust me, it's just simpler to go along with his whims lest Interesting Things happen to people around him.

ZABUZA: Fine. Observe closely, kid. Sleep Beneath the Snow Technique! *collapses on top of Yukino who lets out a delighted squeal*

HAZOU: Astonishing. I assume the technique can be reversed at will?

ZABUZA: *standing up* Naturally, or it wouldn't be of much use, would it be?

YUKI: *grabs the bundle that is Yukino* I'm going home to do some various family related activities. I miss Yagura. Sure, things were scary back then but at least the world made sense.
 
Velorien said:
Interlude: Revenant, Part 1​

He was a man without illusions.

Even here, at the end of all things, he refused to lie to himself. He would not deny the totality of his failure. He would not offer excuses or justifications. He would not conjure visions of his past or try to paint over the void with his own imagination. He had not spent his life gazing into the abyss only to flinch from the darkness now.

He could not claim to be without regrets. He had sacrificed his dreams in order to live in the real world. He had failed to save a single life. He had mastered the art of survival but never found anything worth surviving for. Still, he had his pride. He had died in battle as a true shinobi, and he had died fighting to protect his village and his lord. That was enough.

Wasn't it?

It didn't matter, he decided. Strong or weak, good or evil, proud or humble… it made no difference when the Reaper came calling. He knew that better than anyone. The choices he had made in life meant nothing now.

It was time to go. He drew his sword—his key to death's gates, his warrior's soul—and held it out as if pouring all of his will into the edge. If he was to join his honoured ancestors in the abyssal depths, he would show them he was worthy of their legacy of battle. Or if, more likely, he was to be cast down into the hells to which his countless enemies had condemned him with their dying breaths… then he would teach the fiends below what it truly meant to be a demon.

He steadied himself one last time...

Please don't go.

Nothing but that voice, so far away and yet so close, could have shaken his resolve.

Not yet. Not like this.

The warrior's soul trembled.

You can't die here!

Haku's voice was like lightning, shocking him into awareness of something that should have been obvious from the start.

Haku had died to make sure he would live. How dare he betray that gift by stoically accepting death like some grey-bearded philosopher?

His will hardened once more. If Haku was telling him to live, then he would come back to life as many times as it took. He would honour his apprentice's last request even if it meant breaking the afterlife itself.

He hefted his greatsword, the warrior's soul sharp enough to cut even death. One perfect strike, a blazing light—

-o-​

Zabuza groaned as he opened his eyes only to be blinded by the morning sun.

He froze. If he'd been taken captive, showing that he was awake was a potentially deadly error. Carefully, keeping his eyes nearly closed, he scoped out the area.

A simple room with wooden walls. One window, facing east. A chair, a small desk, and a bucket of water in the corner. A single bed, which he was currently occupying. And also on that single bed… Haku?

"Good morning, Zabuza!"

A second of disorientation later, everything clicked into place. No matter how similar the voice, Haku could never have packed so much insufferability into three simple words.

"Yukino," Zabuza said steadily, his voice hoarse but surprisingly clear, "I believe I told you that if you ever tried to sneak into my bed again, I would lower you into the nearest active volcano, one inch at a time, and use the Water Element to make sure you stay alive long enough to feel your internal organs start melting."

"You mean you really do know your way around a volcano? That's so cool! Did you ever have any climactic showdowns—"

Zabuza elbowed her off the bed.

"Ow! I was only trying to share body heat," Yukino said petulantly. "In case you haven't noticed, it's winter, and you're not exactly in top shape to handle the cold.

"And anyway, I found this place, so you're the one in my bed. Do you know how many men would give…"

Zabuza tuned out Yukino's babbling. The last thing he remembered was that insane ninjutsu of Uzumaki's going through his defences like they were made of butter. But the boy had hesitated, just for a moment, as a shadow clone elsewhere unexpectedly popped. Before Uzumaki could finish him off, Zabuza had used the opening to trigger the Sleep Beneath the Snow Technique—a desperate gamble that must have saved his life. He remembered nothing after that.

"How long?" he demanded.

"How long what? How long am I going to wait for you to remember your manners and thank me for nursing you back to health?"

"How long have I been out, Yukino?" Zabuza asked impatiently.

"Oh, a few weeks. During which I selflessly looked after you twenty-four hours a day."

"A few weeks," Zabuza repeated. "What happened? Did we win?"

"Don't think so," Yukino said lightly. "Obviously, I didn't turn up until it was all over, but there was a bunch of corpses with Mist headbands, and no Leaf ones."

"Was the Mizukage dead?" Zabuza asked urgently. "A boy about your height dressed in green and grey, with a hooked staff and an awful haircut?"

Yukino shrugged. "If you ask me, they all had awful haircuts. But no, no boys, mostly just old men like you."

That didn't prove anything. Leaf could have taken the body to serve as proof that Mist had lost its Kage. Or he could have escaped the battle—unlikely, given Leaf's damned aerial superiority, but who knew what powers a jinchūriki with nothing to lose could call on? Whichever it was, Zabuza had to know. Did Mist need him back now, wounds or no wounds?

"Oh," Yukino added as if an afterthought. "There was a bunch of dead guys with no headbands at all. All built like mountains, with these crazy giant weapons lying next to them. Is that a thing missing-nin do now? Hire themselves out in great big squads?"

Zabuza frowned. A third party? That didn't make any sense. The ambush was perfect. Even if it had been a Leaf trap, how could someone completely unrelated have turned up with the perfect timing to attack the winner? And if they weren't ninja from another village, then who?

"What's the status quo? Has Leaf invaded? Is there a new Kage on either side? Tailed Beasts rampaging through the countryside?"

"Beats me. I've been hiding out in the wilderness with you in this abandoned farmstead in case your enemies try to track you down to finish the job. The only person I've talked to was the missing medic-nin I found for you, and we didn't exactly chat about current affairs."

Zabuza tensed. "You compromised this location to a missing-nin?"

"It was that or let you die. 'sides, the guy is a genius. You think it's normal for someone with wounds like yours to be, y'know, alive right now, never mind mostly healed?"

"Huh," Zabuza grunted apprehensively. "And you just happened to bump into a missing-nin this talented out in the middle of nowhere?"

Yukino looked shifty. "Not eeeexactly… I may have left you alone just for a little bit while I bargained with the yakuza in the nearest city. But civilians don't count, right?"

Yukino. Talking to the yakuza. On her own. They were so very dead.

"So they might have put me in touch with these guys who call themselves the Sacred Scions of the Superlative Serpentine Sage, and they might have offered to treat any injury in return for one teeny favour…"

Zabuza groaned again. "What teeny favour, Yukino?"

Yukino gave him an innocent smile. "Nothing special. Apparently, they want the world's greatest hunter-nin to help them track down some kind of secret organisation…"
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We could just Skywalk around, as long as we are upside down or high enough the Kurosawa shouldn't be able to copy it.

Just another terrible idea.
 
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