Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

"Oh, Pandā!" Hazō shouted before the little pangolin could dismiss itself. "Tell her that there are bound to be more Ami issues coming up, and we really don't want to leave her out!"

"I can do that. Who's Ami?"

Hazō and Noburi looked at each other. If they didn't say anything, he'd probably ask Keiko directly. Hazō couldn't guess at Keiko's reaction, but he doubted it would be anything good.

"Keiko's sister," Hazō said. "But they're not on good terms, so don't talk about her more than you have to."

"If that's all, I need to get back to Keiko. Bye now!"

Hazō sighed as he watched Pandā vanish in a puff of smoke. "Wonderful."

Noburi nodded. "Can this clan not go one day without drama?"

He began to head grumpily up the stairs.

"Noburi, wait!"

"What?"

"Can we… try to reduce the drama quotient? I still owe you a proper apology."

"Yes, you do."

Hazō beckoned for both of them to sit down at the table.

"The truth is, I didn't want to tell Keiko about her sister because I thought there might still be a chance of getting them to reconcile before we left Mist. That wasn't something I could say to Keiko. She'd either be furious that I was meddling or heartbroken if it didn't work out."

"And instead you made her feel both."

"I was going to tell her!" Hazō exclaimed. "But then the letter came, and come on, how was anyone supposed to predict that?"

"Fair," Noburi said. "Though based on what you've told us, Mori's completely unpredictable. So looking at it another way, you should've planned for something to go wrong and told the two of us straight away."

"Yeah," Hazō said. "I messed up. And I messed up by not telling you in advance. I just thought it wouldn't be fair to make you keep a secret from Keiko too. At least this way, I was only putting myself in the line of fire."

Noburi raised an eyebrow. "So you know that 'not making people's decisions for them' thing people keep talking about?"

"Well, sure," Hazō said. "But what am I supposed to do? I have to make some judgement calls that involve other people at some point."

"Dodging the issue," Noburi said. "I'm not Keiko. I don't overreact. You could have trusted me to make the right decision, instead of you making it for me."

"I could have," Hazō said. "I didn't. I regret it now. If there's anything I can do to make it up to you, let me know."

"Fine," Noburi said. "Again, I'm not Keiko. I can get over things without going all crazy and unpredictable.

"Anyway, making them reconcile? You'd have more luck getting Jiraiya to adopt Yagura as heir. What makes you think it's possible?"

"Just thinking. This came so completely out of left field for Keiko. She worshipped her sister. You'd think she'd know her better than that. You and I both knew what kind of reaction we'd get when we came back, but Keiko? It was like her world had turned upside down."

Noburi nodded. "I've been wondering about that myself. Twice as much now I've heard your report. I can't remember exactly what Keiko said, but it sounded like Mori did one of her switching things out of nowhere. One second, she was all sisterly, then Keiko told her she wasn't coming back for real and that was that. After what you've said, does Mori sound like such a hardcore clan loyalist that she'd throw away her sister the instant she found out Keiko had left the clan for good?"

"Right," Noburi said. "Keiko's valuable now. She's a summoner, she's the Hokage's daughter, she's going to be the Nara consort whether Lord Nara wants it or not… and let's be honest, she's not the hardest person in the world to manipulate if you know where her weak points are and are happy to exploit them. After the way they've treated Keiko in the past, at least from the hints she's dropped, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they went for it."

"Mori could have done that," Hazō said slowly. He recalled the sheer pain radiating from Keiko after her rejection. Imagined Mori being able to turn that on and off at will. Imagined that cunning, manipulative woman turning Keiko into a willing slave, making her beg to be given something to do that would earn her sister's approval. The wave of horror hit him worse than any jōnin aura.

"But she didn't!" Noburi said quickly. "Stay with me here, Hazō. Stay with me."

"Right," Hazō said. "Right. Sorry."

"Just imagining it makes me shiver," Noburi said. "Let's not do that ever again."

"Right," Hazō repeated.

"She didn't," Noburi repeated. "That could just mean Mori isn't totally consumed by evil. It could mean that she's using up the last of her sibling love so she doesn't owe Keiko anything else—don't ask me how that works, but I can see it from a woman obsessed with favours. It could mean Mori feels so betrayed that she just doesn't want to ever interact with Keiko again, though then it doesn't make much sense of how she's getting so involved with our clan. It could be Step One for that thing we're never going to think about again, because even the ancestors can't fathom what's going through that woman's head. Frankly, I think trying to read her is a waste of our time."

"But there's still a chance," Hazō said. "There's still a chance that she's pushing Keiko away in order to protect her from everyone else. If Keiko loses Mori, she's got nothing left to anchor her to the rest of the clan after the way they've treated her."

"There's still a chance," Noburi echoed. "I don't see how you spending time with Mori could make things worse, unless she turns you into a tool to use against Keiko or something. But again, it would have been easier to do it herself.

"The idea of bringing the two of them back together, though," Noburi he said contemplatively. "Can you imagine how much it would fix? How much of Keiko's soul it would make right in a way we never could?"

"Tell me it isn't worth the risk," Hazō said.

"Just keep me in the loop this time. The world doesn't revolve around you, and just because Jiraiya's picked you as our point of contact doesn't mean there's nothing I can do."

Hazō clapped Noburi on the shoulder. "I'll be counting on you."

"Against my better judgement, I'll be counting on you too."


"Noburi? Are you awake yet?"

Hazō knocked on Noburi's door. The moment hadn't felt right last night, but it was time to think about dealing with their other broken family. Noburi might not appreciate the intrusion—and it was dangerous to push the limits of their reconciliation right now—but this was as good a time to test the waters as Hazō was going to get. He'd let Noburi fade into the background of his life for too long.

"Oh, Hazō, perfect timing. Check out what I set up yesterday and didn't bother to tell you."

Noburi stepped back to open the door all the way, revealing two small figures: one athletic-looking in an improbable orange outfit just a shade more formal than ordinary training gear, the other in a contrastingly subdued black kimono with the Wakahisa clan symbol.

Noburi took a few steps back, leaving the girls between them.

"Gōketsu Hazō, meet my twin sisters," Noburi said with a mischievous grin neither girl could see.

"We are not twins!" the taller one snapped.

"It's a filthy lie," the shorter one agreed.

"All right," Noburi said, "meet my sisters who used to claim they were twins back when they were younger and cuter and not a pair of little hellions."

The girls seemed to accept this as a reasonable compromise.

"This,"—Noburi pointed to the taller one on his left"—is Aya. She's ten and specialises in taijutsu."

"I'm nearly top of the class," Aya said perkily. "All I have to do is take down that Kurosawa slimeface."

The shorter girl gave a meaningful cough.

"Oh, no offence, sir."

"None taken," Hazō said, completely honestly. "I'll be cheering you on."

"This," Noburi pointed to the shorter girl with a smirk, "is Saya. She's eight and doesn't have a specialisation yet."

"Yes, I do!" Saya objected. "I'm going to be a seduction specialist!"

Hazō blinked twice, then gave Noburi a quizzical look. Noburi motioned for him to carry on the conversation, the traitor.

"How did you make that… decision?" Hazō asked carefully.

"You get to lie all day and sleep all night," Saya explained. "I don't know why anyone would ever specialise in anything else."

"Well," Hazō said, "I suppose Mari-sensei is always talking about how she needs her beauty sleep."

"We have yet to introduce ourselves formally," Saya said in a worryingly familiar tone of voice. She bowed deep. "My name is Wakahisa Saya. It is an honour to meet you. I humbly apologise for my sister's uncouth ways, and you have my gratitude for taking care of my inept brother during his time away."

Oh, no. Noburi had his own Hanabi.

"Pleased to meet you too. Do you, uh, always speak like that?" Maybe she'd rehearsed the lines and was really just a normal eight-year-old. There was always a chance.

"Oh, she was born with her nose in a scroll," Aya said matter-of-factly. "It was a very difficult delivery."

"I was not!" Saya tried to shove Aya, but the latter smoothly stepped out of the way, leading Saya to stumble. Saya glared.

"What actually happened was that Mother looked at Aya and realised that—"

"—she couldn't afford to create such a monster a second time/she was never going to top someone like me—"

"...and applied an unconventional child-rearing methodology. She began to read to me while I was still in the womb, and did not stop until I had the visual acuity to take over, and also persuaded older clan members to allow me to sit in on their discussions."

"Except Mum being the way she is," Aya added, "it was all history and philosophy and other heavy stuff I wouldn't touch with a barge pole. This one time, Dad said she should drop it and start reading Saya age-appropriate materials—you know, like 'Little Jimi Exposes the Traitor'—and Mum said that if he started trying to tell her how to raise her daughter, she'd make sure he could never have children again. With anyone."

"Our parents have an excellent relationship," Saya said proudly. "Their arguments never last long."

"But enough about the scroll-eating larva," Aya said. "I am Wakahisa Aya, and it's a pleasure to meet you." She bowed, but only briefly. "That thing you did with the tags? Totally awesome. I've been waiting forever to ask you how you did that, only Dad didn't want us talking to your clan, but—"

"Shut up, Aya," Saya interrupted. "We were explicitly instructed not to discuss politics during this visit."

"But you already admitted," Noburi said," that the elders overruled Dad because of our exam performance and whatever it is the Hokage's doing in the negotiations."

"I never admitted that!" Aya exclaimed.

"She did not," Saya confirmed. "It was merely implied. As an expert, I can tell you there's a world of difference."

"So there!" Aya said. "And you were only guessing anyway. Elder Katsuji could have been talking to him about anything."

Saya nodded triumphantly.

"Oh!" she brightened up. "Even if we're not allowed to discuss politics, Father said nothing about discussing philosophy!"

Aya groaned. "Do we have to?"

"Yes, we have to. We're here as semi-formal representatives of the clan, so we have to impress Mr Gōketsu, and we know he likes philosophy because of his ran—nalysis during his match.

"Now," Saya went on, "I should probably preface any discussion with by saying that the Will of Fire is a perfectly internally consistent and rational ideology, and that it does not lead its believers to become physically degenerate, mentally and emotionally stunted, and spiritually impoverished. If we grant that premise—"

Aya's fist came down on the top of Saya's head. Saya ducked under it, and retreated to hide behind Noburi.

"What was that for?!"

"I'm not a philosopher," Aya said, "but even I know that you're about to do that comparative thingy, and that's definitely politics if you're doing it with a foreigner."

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Noburi!" Saya appealed. "Tell her I'm allowed to do comparative ideological analysis!"

"Don't listen to her! She doesn't even know what half those words mean!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

Aya gave Hazō a quick bow. "Would you excuse me for a second?"

Then she turned around and attempted to grab Saya, who spun so as to keep Noburi between her and her sister. Aya moved to continue the pursuit. Saya continued fleeing.

"This is unrepresentative!" she cried before ducking under Aya's grasping hands.

Hazō gave Noburi a questioning look as the boy became the eye of an accelerating whirlwind.

Noburi shrugged. "So now you know why I'm so chilled-out. It was either that or go insane. Don't worry, in a few minutes they'll remember you're still here and panic, and it'll be hilarious to watch."

"You know," Hazō said, "maybe we got the right Wakahisa after all."

"Gee, thanks. You're marginally more useful than your relatives too, Mr Mew."

"Watch it or I might change my mind, Barrel Boy."

Perfect silence. Aya and Saya stopped in mid-chase.

Ah, crap.

"Which as we all know," Hazō went on smoothly, "is just an old codename to trick our enemies for when Noburi wasn't wearing his barrel."

Aya and Saya's cold looks did not get any warmer.

He glanced at Noburi pleadingly.

"Don't worry," Noburi said, "it was my idea. He tried arguing against it because it was demeaning, but I told him I wasn't so petty that I'd refuse a little humiliation for the good of the team."

Hazō relaxed.

"Of course, it was only fair for him to pay me back after everything I had to go through. That's why these days, he calls me Master."

"Really?" Saya said sceptically.

"Go on, Hazō." Noburi smirked.

"Yes, Master," Hazō said through gritted teeth.

"You have a message!" one of the ANBU called out from downstairs.

"Well, that's just great," Noburi said. "Now shoo, girls. Hazō and I have important things to talk about."

"But Noburi!" the sisters objected in unison.

Noburi said two words. "Leaf sweets."

Aya and Saya gave Hazō deep bows and were gone before he could respond.


Dear Gōketsu Hazō,

I write to express my most profound apologies for the inaccuracies contained within my previous missive. I acknowledge that, as you are aware, our rendezvous did not feature any explicit reference to the pursuit of matrimony, and it is thus impossible to respond to same as the missive purported to do. Furthermore, the sentiments within which it was framed are emphatically a tiny bit over the top—sorry, you know me, I get carried away sometimes. Long story short, I wanted to test whether that one courier was compromised (good news: he was!), and that meant a message that would really throw the chakra cabbage into the sheep pen. Sometimes, opportunity just knocks on your door! Sorry for any trouble, and thanks for being a good sport! ^_^

P. S. Second date's on you!

"Jiraiya, sir," Noburi said, "Can I marry her? At this point, I just want to see what happens."

"Over your dead body," Jiraiya said cheerfully. "Now hand me that haori. Not that one, the even cooler one."

"Here you go," Hazō said, picking up the garish red garment. "So her using a different courier backs up her claim that the first one was compromised, right?"

"Sure does," Jiraiya agreed. "Doesn't prove anything, but at least she's being consistent. Not that I'd expect to catch the likes of her that easily. But I'm not interested in the courier when the message itself makes me want to strangle her all over again. It's almost a one-eighty, but it leaves us room to manoeuvre. That's interesting. Her first letter was practically 'marry me or else'. This is more like actual diplomacy, weird style thing notwithstanding.

"Speaking of which, Hazō, does that match how she was acting during the meeting?"

Hazō nodded. "She turned on a koban. No warning, no delay, completely seamless. Why she'd do that in a written letter, I have no idea. Maybe she can't control it? No, wait, she was too controlled during the meeting. I don't think you could be that crazy and still an effective ninja."

Jiraiya raised an eyebrow.

"Ninety percent of all jōnin excluded," Hazō agreed.

"And she is a jōnin," Noburi said.

"Either way," Jiraiya said, fitting his arms through the sleeves, "doesn't change the fact that she's sent us one 'marry me' message and one ambiguous message. That says to me that the first one was more to put the idea in our heads so we'd have it in mind for the second, which she's free to retract. No harm, no foul. She's signalling that she probably wants it, but maybe not, and you're the one who's got to go the extra mile if you want to find out. Women."

Additional blackmail material: acquired.

"All right, you pack of reprobates, fun as it is to be messed around by some snot-nosed brat a third of my age, I've got meetings to attend. Can't wait to watch to see A trying to flex his muscles at Ren and Ren laughing her head off behind her Iron Nerve mask. I'll try to catch you later so I can give Keiko a pep talk."

It was only a couple of minutes after he left that Hazō began to get a very bad feeling. "Wait, you told him about the Keiko running away thing, right?"

"He came back after I went to bed, and then my sisters turned up first thing in the morning. I thought you were going to tell him because you'd be up making seals until late anyway so it wouldn't cut into your sleep."

"I thought you were going to tell him because I'd be up making seals all until late and needed to concentrate."

"This could be a problem," Noburi concluded.


"SHE DID WHAT?!"


You have received 3 XP.


A furious Jiraiya has ordered you to catch Keiko the second the Finals end and talk her down. If this is just a childish tantrum, great. Otherwise you're authorised to employ whatever means are necessary as long as you avoid hurting the clan's reputation.


According to Jiraiya, you leave Mist in "a few days". Shorter if Ōnoki shuts up about tariffs, longer if Ren springs another dinner with the Mist clans on him and he has to beat his head against the implications.

Jiraiya is too frazzled to say much about the meeting with Ami. His advice can be summed up as "go ahead, play it by ear, if by some miracle you can get her to give a straight answer to anything, great, and don't fall in love with her because that never ends well".

You've sent a letter inviting her on a date meeting tomorrow. Jiraiya was too much in a rush to check the contents, which tells you a lot.


Keiko's match is over and she is about to leave the arena.

What do you do?

Voting ends on Saturday 2nd of March, 9 a.m. New York Time.