Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

Mari-sensei was still in bed. It was as if she'd never leave, except that earlier Hazō had watched, from a respectful distance, as she dragged herself out into the compound's training space and began to perform katas. She gave up after fifteen minutes and retreated into her room lest somebody have a chance to approach her, but at least she'd got some fresh air.

Unfortunately, Hazō had had to approach her anyway.

"Please, Mari-sensei," he begged. "You know you're the only one I can trust to help me with this!"

"Don't lie to me, Hazō," Mari-sensei said bitterly. "I saw the look in your eyes last time we talked. You're finally getting that I don't deserve your trust. Don't undo that now. I've done what your mother wanted, so please… just let me be."

"Mari-sensei," Hazō repeated, "I know things are complicated right now, but this isn't. I feel like I have to do it, and I can't do it without you."

Mari-sensei gave a low, harsh laugh. "Me? Interfere with clan politics? Hazō, you're insane. Haven't you seen what I do to the people around me? And you want to let that kind of person anywhere near politics?"

The good thing about Mari-sensei's current state, in a twisted, despair-inducing way, was that it made her predictable. Hazō had known in advance where this conversation was likely to go, and he'd made sure to prepare a trump card.

"If you refuse to help me with this," he said clearly, "then I'll have no choice but to figure it out on my own from first principles. Please take a second to think about how that's likely to turn out versus whatever damage you think you can do."

After a second, Mari-sensei sat bolt upright.

"The season's going to limit our options," she said briskly, "so we'll need to get creative based on what's available. Bring some paper, Hazō. This is going to take a flowchart."

Hazō hadn't heard more beautiful words in weeks.


For a clan with perpetually blank eyes, it was amazing how expressive the Hyūga could be with sceptical stares.

"Sir," Gate Guard A, the one with the receding hairline, said to him with ill-concealed amusement, "Lord Hiashi has given us clear instructions that any suitors seeking to visit Lady Hinata without his written permission are to be politely turned away at the gates."

"That's not why I'm here."

The guard's expression cooled. "The politeness requirement is waived for any suitors seeking to visit Lady Hanabi. You should leave now."

"These aren't for Hanabi either," Hazō explained patiently.

The guard raised an eyebrow at the plain first name, but didn't comment.

"Sir," Gate Guard B, the one with the very fine beard, interjected, "what is the purpose of your visit?"

"I'm here to give Hyūga Hiashi a bouquet of flowers. Obviously. Is it OK if I leave it here?"

"Of course, sir," Gate Guard A said, visibly trying to suppress a grin, "I will personally make sure that my colleague here delivers your gift."

His colleague here winced, but didn't say anything.

"Pay up," Gate Guard A added to Gate Guard B, who reluctantly handed over a money pouch.

"Thank you," Hazō said. "What was that about paying up?"

"Nothing to concern yourself over, sir. Please don't let us waste any more of your time."

But as Hazō left, he could hear the guards' exchange behind him.

"I told you there'd be a new Crazy Gōketsu Thing this week."

"I thought we'd already had that when the Hokage introduced a new type of mission for helping peasants."

"That was in his professional capacity, not as Gōketsu Jiraiya. Besides, it's hardly in the same league as The Orgy That Supposedly Wasn't. You've got to think big, man! Maybe next time they'll start their own harem, or blow up a visiting diplomat or something!"

At this, Hazō couldn't help glancing back, but all he saw was two guards standing at attention, looking straight ahead with perfect professionalism written on their faces.


Akane was still as beautiful as he remembered. Maybe more beautiful, if that was possible. Had this girl, this sunny, loving girl, really broken up with him the way everyone said?

Yes, she had. He could see it, now he knew what he was looking for. She was smiling, but it wasn't her usual smile. That he might never see again, at least not offered to him. His heart felt like it was being crushed by a steel vice.

"Come in, Hazō," Akane said softly. "Was there something you wanted?"

Hazō forced himself to focus on his objective. "I wanted to talk to you about Ino."

"I thought this might happen," Akane said as she stepped aside to allow him in. "It's… sooner than I expected, but I guess that's for the best. Neither of us should be standing still."

"Oh. So you already know what I'm going to ask you?"

"Yeah," Akane said, "I do. I told you before, Hazō. Ino is a great girl. Not perfect, but she means well, and I really think the two of you will be good for each other. So if you want to ask her out, or if you've already asked her out, don't worry about me. All I can do is be happy for you."

"Wait, what?"

"Isn't that why you're here?"

"Nonono," Hazō frantically shook his head. "That's not what I want at all." He wasn't completely sure about that, but this was no time to think about it.

"I wanted to ask you for a favour, actually. The Chūnin Exam Finals are about to start, and I'm worried Ino might be a little broken up about not being able to go. You two have been friends for a while, so do you think you could look after her while I'm gone?"

"Yes," Akane said, "I can see where it might hurt somebody to have to stay at home while all the good ninja go out to show the world how much they've grown. But Hazō, Ino isn't staying at home. She placed second in the tournament. You of all people couldn't have forgotten that."

She reached out and placed her hand on his forehead. For a moment, he simply savoured the feel of her touch, then remembered that he wasn't supposed to be savouring the feel of her touch.

"That's what I thought," Akane said. "You have a fever. You can go lie down on the sofa over there while I go get a physician. I'm sure they'll come out quickly for someone from a noble clan."

"No, Akane, I'm fine!" Hazō exclaimed. "Besides, I can't spend the day resting, or whatever they're going to say. I have an appointment with T&I coming up shortly."

Akane froze. "You have what."

"An appointment with T&I," Hazō repeated. "I figured it was a good time to start introducing myself to all the important people in Leaf I haven't met yet, and T&I is one of the village's most important institutions. I anticipate working with them a lot sooner or later."

"Hazō, that's a terrible idea. You don't want T&I to pay attention to you, no matter how highly placed you are."

"Sorry, Akane, but I can't cancel an appointment with Morino Ibiki himself. I was lucky to get this one time slot, given how busy he is."

"Hazō, please think again! Nobody goes to T&I, and they certainly don't go while they have a fever!"

But Hazō was already heading for the door. "Thanks for worrying about me, Akane, but I'm sure this fever will die down on its own. Now I need to get going if I'm to be on time. I'll leave Ino to you."


"Thank you for agreeing to see me on such short notice, sir."

"You were fortunate," Morino said, still standing after Hazō had seated himself in the visitors' chair of the office. "I anticipated that it would be necessary to take a two-hour break in the afternoon's work. Now, your business here?"

"I just wanted to introduce myself to you. I am Gōketsu Hazō, and it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Is that so?" Ibiki asked. "I am Morino Ibiki. Was there anything else?"

The head of T&I wasn't doing anything to make himself more approachable, but Hazō had already prepared for that and rehearsed his next lines.

"I wanted to pay my respects to you, sir. I think that your department is one of the most important institutions in the village, and I am very grateful for the valuable work you do."

Morino appraised him silently as he paced back and forth behind his desk.

"You fear enslavement," he said suddenly. "Less death or injury, but the notion of having control of your body taken away from you and subordinated to another's will terrifies you."

Hazō shivered as a dozen terrible images rose in his mind. "How did you…?"

"Gōketsu, we have a regularly-updated dossier on every person of interest, together with the ability to make inferences from subtle details—or blatant ones, in the case of your Bloodline Limit.

"Everybody expects the Torture and Interrogation Department. That is half our purpose. Should you reveal yourself to be a potential enemy of the village, there is no corner of Leaf in which we will not find you, and there is no length to which we will not go to ensure the village's safety. This is known to all who might even consider betrayal, and also to all who will not.

"That is why when you profess appreciation for our universally feared and hated work, I hear only a futile attempt to save yourself from some dark future in which you find yourself in our hands, to build goodwill that might ultimately result in mercy. You and I both know that neither of these things is possible.

"Anything else?"

Hazō shook his head.

"I will have you escorted to the entrance. Consider taking a catalogue—with the recent rise in demand, we have had additional copies printed.

"And Gōketsu?"

Hazō listened attentively, to the extent that he could focus.

"Your attempt to build false rapport with a member of T&I will be noted in your dossier. In the shinobi world, every choice has consequences."


Hazō woke up with a scream.

This time, it hadn't been one of his recurring nightmares. It had been somehow different, almost as if he'd brushed against an alternative timeline and barely avoided being sucked in. He'd heard that there were sealmasters who did a special lucky dance every night before they went to bed in order to avoid that exact thing. Obviously, there was no way of telling if it worked.

Hazō knew for sure that Kagome-sensei knew this particular lucky dance. Maybe he should learn it. As a sealmaster, it was his calling to warp reality in strange and unnatural ways—but what protection did he have when reality decided to warp him?


Alternative Hazō has received 1 + 1 XP and 0 FP. You have not.


This will shortly be relabelled as an interlude, but I felt the point needed to be made (again). We have systems for joke votes, such as using [χ] or [jk]. Thus, I will treat any real vote as a real vote, irrespective of its content or how it came about.

Since, under a charitable interpretation, this wasn't actually the winning plan, any information in this update is the product of Hazō's fevered imagination and presently non-canon (aside from the very last section).


What do you do?

Voting closes on Saturday 3rd of November, 9 a.m. New York Time.