Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
Alright, I'm getting weird looks from people at the office now. I had it together until the last bit, and despite suspecting some sort of sudden comedic twist "Sir Rubberino and Lady Quackamole" was a riposte that had me thoroughly disarmed.Why must you tempt me and give me ideas? It probably won't work anymore but I am nothing but bold when the potential negative repercussion will affect someone else. Like Hazou.
"Hello, everyone. I am glad you could make it," Hazou said. He turned on his stool to greet his two very special guests. "Please, have a seat. We have much to talk about."
"You are glad we could make it? We came here as a group and the only reason we didn't enter together is because you told us to wait for a minute before coming in," Noburi replied. "Also, why did you turn off the lights? This is getting stupid already."
"Indeed. You need not worry, Hazou. Your burn scars are barely even visible and either way, we have known you long enough not to judge you by your physical appearance. Anymore," Keiko added.
Hazou sighed.
It was moments like these when he regretted being the only person on the team who had a healthy sense for the dramatic.
Maybe he'd ask Jiraiya to give those two some remedial lessons because he was pretty sure that this was a mandatory skill to get promoted to jounin rank and beyond.
"Anyway, as I was saying: I called you here to-- wait, a minute. What do you mean 'anymore'? What is wrong with the way I look?"
Noburi exchanged a quick glance with Keiko. "Nothing. In fact, you look positively dashing and you should ignore the people that claim otherwise behind your back. They have no idea what you went through."
"People are talking behind my back?!"
"Thank you, Noburi. I will take it from here," Keiko responded icily. "What our inept brother was trying to say: you are a perfectly acceptable specimen for your age and circumstances. Please do not worry: Akane leaving you had nothing do with the way you look, only the way you act."
"...Thanks."
"You are welcome. Now why did you call us here? And how come there is no one here besides us?"
"Glad you asked. The Fuka have always run this neat traditional-style joint called, uh, " Hazou took a quick peek behind him. "Fuka's Shark Specialities. Until a few weeks ago, when the owner decided to change the menu abruptly to only serve ramen.
"Fast-forward to now. Business isn't exactly booming, because ramen cuisine sounds a lot like something only a stupid and malnourished sort of person would eat at the expense of real food.
"But wait! Someone happens to tell them that Leaf is home to the biggest and richest ramen connoisseur of all time. One who just so arrived here with the current Leaf delegation and who has plans to visit Yagura's Happy Fun Park today at the opposite side of this district on his only free day. And that said person would be open to sample and - if all goes well - import vast amounts of Mist-style ramen back to Leaf.
"Why, Old Man Fuka had no chance but to close today so he could try to save his business by winning over this important customer."
"And that entire domino effect... That was all you?" Keiko said.
"Sure, why not."
Hazou, Deceit: 24 + 2 (Dice) - 2 (Mild Consequences) = 24
Keiko, Deceit: 10 + 3 (Dice) = 13
Noburi, Deceit: 8 - 3 (Dice) -2 (Medium Consequences) = 3
"That's impressive, Hazou."
"Thanks. I recently got inspired to try my hand at long term planning and it seems I have a knack for it.
"Anyway, it's best we don't dawdle too much since one never knows when the unexpected might happen. Shall we get started?"
"Sounds good. Just give me a minute to turn the lights on because, unlike Keiko and you, I don't like brooding in the dark," Noburi fumbled around in the dark until he found the light switch. "That's better. Please proceed, Ha--
"By Kurohige's Accursed Lighthouse, who is that guy lying in the corner of the room?!"
Oops.
"Hazou, that wouldn't happen to be 'Old Man Fuka', would it?" Keiko demanded.
"It's possible," Hazou replied. "Likely even. But really, why get stuck up on the details? The point is, this room is still secure for at least half an hour by my estimate."
"Wait. Which part of what you said earlier was even true?"
"Well, we are in a restaurant. And that guy sleeping over there is probably even the owner."
"...Is that it?"
"Look, manipulating people is harder than it sounds, okay? And all of this wouldn't even have been an issue if Noburi didn't decide to turn on the lights. So really, who is the real villain in this story?"
"Still you!" / "You!"
-o-o-o-
So, apparently, neither Keiko nor Noburi were comfortable discussing OPSEC sensitive topics in a room that happened to also give shelter to the guy Hazou had knocked out.
He'd figured that they wouldn't object to a minor detail like that, especially after experiencing the Fifth Event where they were positively swimming in knocked out bodies of people from all over the world.
But object they did.
Which is why they now found themselves in the former staging area of, yes, the Fifth Event. This, too, was most likely an intentional slight against him just for the sheer hypocrisy of the situation.
"Alright, that should do it. I sent Panashe out to warn us in case someone gets close but for now we should be good," Hypocrite #1 said.
"Thanks, Keiko. We should have come here from the start," Hypocrite #2 added. "So what did you want to tell us, Hazou?"
"I found a reliable way to increase our combat power beyond conventional training. Incidentally, this technique uses a lot of paper and ink so I stopped making explosives because it was an inefficient use of writing materials."
"Code Emogak! Hazou has been compromised!" Noburi yelled and prepared to launch a water whip at Hazou's face.
Only Keiko's timely intervention prevented things from escalating further.
"Hold on, Noburi," Keiko said. "There might be an explanation other than Hazou having been killed and replaced with a terrible imposter who dislikes explosives. Well?"
Oh, now they had a sense of drama and exaggerations? Did their hypocrisy know no bounds?
"Uh," Hazou said intelligently. He was clearly already making great strides in convincing his siblings that nothing was wrong.
Noburi raised his water whip again while Keiko gave Hazou her patented 'Are you stupid?' look which - in a total coincidence, he was sure - happened to look exactly the same as her 'Hazou is talking' look.
After some back and forth which may or may not have involved some actual explosives, Hazou managed to convince his siblings that he was a real deal.
"As I was saying earlier - before Noburi tried to disfigure my face - I think I found a way to become stronger by just writing stuff!
"I wrote a letter to my aunt earlier today - stop looking so alarmed, nothing bad could possibly come from this - and I already feel much stronger," Hazou replied. "Now, I know what you are thinking: 'This can't possibly work!' and 'I must have burned off the remaining bits of his sanity during our match', but let me assure you that it does. And I can even prove it."
"I don't believe this. You wasted my time just to make this stupid joke? I already lost valuable reading time when those stupid twin girls showed up. And now this?" Keiko practically hissed.
"Wait, twin girls? How did they lo--"
"Not now, Noburi."
"But I--"
"I said: not now! There will be time to indulge you later - if we don't forget about you, anyway. Now go play somewhere while your older siblings deal with the important things."
Noburi looked like he wanted to argue but then shrugged, unhooked his barrel from his back and sat down in the grass a few meters from Hazou and Keiko.
Hazou couldn't help but feel a stab of guilt at the defeated look on his brother's face.
Hazou is attempting to lie to himself and therefore has to defeat his own Deceit score to successfully deceive himself into thinking that Noburi is - in fact - "just fine".
Hazou, Deceit 34 + 0 (Dice) - 2 (Mild Consequences) = 32Hazou, Deceit 34 + 6 - 2 (Mild Consequences) = 38 | - 1 FP to reroll and rationalize harder
Hazou, Deceit 34 + 4 (Dice) - 2 (Mild Consequences) = 36
Well done, Hazou. You pulled it off.
Which is why he made sure to turn his back to where Noburi was sitting so he wouldn't have to keep looking at him.
Eh, he'll be fine.
"Keiko, this really works. I have irrefutable proof," Hazou tried again. "Tell you what, if this doesn't end up working I will take over your chores for the next month. Deal?"
"...Alright, fine. I am listening," Keiko replied.
"First off, we need to establish the baseline for the skill we are testing. One of us will throw a coin into the air and the moment it hits the ground both of us will raise their hands up. Whoever manages to raise theirs first wins.
"Since Noburi is not competing he would ideally be the one to throw the coin to help eliminate accidental bias," Hazou turned to look at Noburi who had begun performing a mock battle (with sound effects!) between two large rubber ducks that were floating on the top of his opened barrel. "On further thought, maybe Pandaa is available?"
-o-o-o-
Hazou, Alertness: 33 - 2 (Mild Consequences) = 31
Keiko, Alertness: 31
Turn order: Hazou and Keiko will act at the same time.
In the end they did end up using Pandaa who was more than happy to fulfill this important duty. And after doing multiple tests they concluded it was a draw each and every time.
"Alright, it seems pretty obvious that we are raising our hands at the exact same time. Now, as you are aware, we have been progressing at the same rate throughout the years, correct? And that any extra gains would have to have come from this new method I came up with, right?" Hazou asked.
"As much as I hate to admit it, that appears to be correct," Keiko replied.
"Great! Now give me just a second to work my magic."
Keiko did.
And as far as she could tell, 'working his magic' involved making a face that looked a lot like he was constipated. A fact she was more than happy to comment on.
"Now listen here, I have to actually put some visible work into it or it won't register. I haven't figured out the exact details yet, just that there has to be some visible effect for it to be recognized.
Aha! Here we go! Ready to for a re-test?"
Hazou spent 34 of his XP to raise Alertness by 1, leaving him with 1 precious omake XP remaining.
Hazou, Alertness: 34 - 2 (Mild Consequences) = 32
Keiko, Alertness: 31
Turn order: Hazou, then Keiko.
Unbelievable.
He actually was faster at reacting than her now. Had he really found a way to become stronger just by… writing things? This made no sense at all!
But they had repeated the tests multiple times, and every time he had won. This was as much proof as they would be able to get for the limited amount of time they had.
Nothing to do now but to accept the hypothesis and try to figure out the real mechanics using the Mori Voice.
Given enough data she might be able to get at the bottom of this and maybe they were misinterpreting the results for something else entirely. Keiko desperately wished that this was the case.
"Feed me," Keiko decreed.
Hazou looked at her hesistantly, then moved his hand into his pocket to pull out one of his mother's OPSEC cookies and made a motion to throw it at Keiko's general mouth area. (His thrown skill was still pretty bad.)
"No, you moron. With data," A pause. "Actually, I'll take the cookie as well."
She had made sure to maintain eye contact with a squirming Hazou while she ate the cookie for the fun of it. (And just for today, the P in OPSEC cookie would stand for Power-move.)
"Ah. I hope you enjoyed it because it was the last one I had," Hazou said sadly.
"You ran out already?"
"I eat them whenever I am close to revealing a secret, hence the name."
"...I know for a fact that you took two storage seals' worth of cookies with you when we departed for Mist."
"Yeah."
"..."
"..."
"Oh.
"Anyway, about the data…?"
"Right. You know what Jiraiya, Orochimaru and Tsunade all have in common? They are super strong ninjas who also happen to write things. Jiraiya is the most obvious one with his line of novels and therefore clearly the strongest one of them, if not the entire world.
"Tsunade wrote and distributed medical books all over the Elemental Nations and Orochimaru keeps extensive research notes about his maybe-evil-maybe-not experiments that Jiraiya has told us about."
"Tsunade-sensei also has a huge diary at her home. I saw it once when we picked up something from her living room," No one reacted to the voice coming from behind. "Oh come on, I know you can hear me! Stop ignoring me, I am also a part of this team, you know!"
"Did you hear something? No? Me neither. Anyhows, even people like Yagura and Akatsuki wrote books and they are all stronger for it. Coincidence? I think not."
Maybe Hazou had a point there.
"Kiba is pretty weak and he isn't the type to write," she added. "Even Ami has a diary. Yes, I think this theory of yours has merit."
"Ami-who?"
"... My sister?"
"Oh, wow, right. I totally forgot. But can you blame me, it's not like I am obsessing over her every day or anything."
Had anyone been paying attention to Noburi, they would have noticed him staring at Hazou in disbelief.
But no one was, so no one did.
Hazou, Deceit: 24 + 4 (Dice) - 2 (Mild Consequences) = 26
Keiko, Deceit: 10 + 6 (Dice) = 16
Keiko was sure she had mentioned her complicated relationship with Ami multiple times over the years but it looked like he hadn't even bothered to remember that; because why would anyone care about how she felt?
Typical, but not entirely unexpected.
Either way, this should be enough information for the Mori Voice to work with so she took the plunge into the cold.
…
No! This was impossible. Why would they do this?
"No! No! I refuse to believe that the world runs on such arbitrary rules. You were right, Hazou!" Her voice was getting a touch too hysterical for Hazou's liking. "But this makes no sense at all!"
Hazou ran closer to her but still made sure to stay out out of her personal space. "Keiko, are you okay? Keiko!"
"No! Don't you get it, Hazou? We all knew that the world was unjust but why did it have to be so stupid on top of that?"
"Keiko, if you don't snap out of it right now I will go out of my way to marry Ami - whoever that is - and have a child with her. And we will name the child Minori because it will have access to both the Mori Voice and the Iron Nerve."
Keiko stopped squirming entirely and dropped on the floor.
Maybe he had overdone it?
"Oh, finally caught onto the significance of the name, then? Took you long enough," something… no, Keiko (?) said. She stood up in an entirely un-Keiko-like fashion, and one moment later Hazou felt like the weight of the entire world was upon him. "Listen to me and listen well."
"Unless you want to end up on a double booked date with Ino and Ikeda in the same restaurant and at the same time - only separated by a thin wall that you just know will break the moment it inconveniences you the most - I strongly suggest you cease and desist trying to game the XP system," Keiko's smile turned outright sadistic. "Also, Akane is de--"
One moment Keiko had collapsed on the floor once as if she were a puppet that had her strings cut. And in the next moment she was once again standing in front of him.
Which would have been less disturbing had she not skipped all the necessary motions a normal human had to go through to change from a prone to a standing position.
"Ah, sorry about that. Now go punch more people - it's good XP! I'd even be willing to overlook this incident if you do. Really, anyone will suffice," A pause. "But not yourself! I will not have you munchkin this on me. Uh, also go take a swim in the ocean once in a while."
And down went the Keiko.
Was that it? Hazou didn't dare move but it looked like whatever had possessed Keiko was gone.
"Hey, remember back in the day when had to use Keiko as QM mouthpiece almost exclusively?"
Where was this voice coming from? Neither Keiko nor her lips were moving at all!
"How nostalgic. We sure have come a long way. What do you mean this is still o--"
Hazou could take it no longer. He had to do something before he went completely mad.
When his mother had taught him a way to instantly become unconscious, Hazou had been very dubious about the usefulness of such a technique. But she had insisted that this was a very useful and advanced technique that Kurosawa used to get out of uncomfortable social situations they did not want to participate in.
He even had to promise her to only use it very sparingly, because once the existence of such a technique was revealed it would lose its effectiveness entirely.
And now, not having to participate in reality for a while sounded very, very appealing to him. And if he was lucky, someone else would have dealt with the fallout when he woke up.
"Secret Forbidden Kurosawa Technique: Rejection of Reality!"
And down went the Hazou.
-o-o-o-
Noburi was still training his tactical skills in an all-out battle between Sir Rubberino and Lady Quackamole when he noticed one of their ANBU escorts approaching.
"There you are, the Hokage wants to see yo-", the individual of indeterminate age and gender only got that far. "What happened here? Are your teammates alright?"
"Probably. It's not something you need concern yourself with," Noburi replied.
"Excuse me, what."
The Anbu pointedly looked at Hazou who was still in a fetal position muttering 'I will not abuse the system I will not abuse the system I will not abuse the system'.
Keiko for her part wasn't looking much better. Sure, she was sitting upright but she had been staring into the horizon for the past half hour without moving.
"Okay, I know this looks weird but it happens a lot more often than you might imagine. We can handle it. Consider your message received and we will head to Jiraiya shortly."
"...If you say so," the ANBU said before disappearing in a swirl of leaves.
Noburi glanced around in case there were more people around him, then shrugged to himself and unsealed some writing materials.
If everyone - including the wrathful gods - were happy to ignore him, then he might as well milk the situation for what it was worth.
After only taking a moment to think, he started writing.
Documentary of Familial Neglect
Day 632
You won't believe what I saw today...
A/N: Both Hazou and Keiko gained 2 TYS points and 1 XP each.
Noburi gained 50 XP.
Now stop doing this.
You're very good at this.
