- Location
- Yes.
And who do you think created it?
Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
...ninja?
- Location
- Somewhere over the rainbow
high tier Towerology intensifies
More seriously, I wonder whether there might not be anything behind it but Ren, sitting up only because Iron Nerve won't let her collapse asleep, glancing down at "which person can we bullshit into the tournament" and picking the first close-in fighter she saw.
I think this is a bit of a blind spot for us, a little like how it was a blind spot for the US in the Cold War; sometimes there really isn't a War Council opposite you, and sometimes your opponent isn't trying to play on about twenty game boards with the same move.
- Location
- Potato land
Counterexample: Ancient Rome. Tons and tons of very effective application, little to no innovation.
TFW the QMs don't even recall the name of Hazou's new best friend. Don't worry Doigama-kun, we'll make you relevant to the plot again!
Origami Clock
Right twice a day
- Location
- Brighton, UK
Burgholt Stutley Johnson, Sealmaster extraordinarie is a quest I would very much like to see. Preferably from behind several inches of tempered one way glass, through a deliberately low resolution camera streamed at a three second delay to my survival bunker a mile below the lunar surface.
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
Don't forget Katou, too!
Seriously though, we should form the Justice League of Ninja. There's probably a few missing-nin or a handful of wandering/underground ninja we can rope into this as well.
- Location
- Yes.
something something hire Akatsuki something something screaming in Kagome
- Location
- NY
You want to be moving around Earth in a CIRCLE when they make pi = 3??????
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Hey, I remembered his name, just not his home country.
- Location
- Somewhere over the rainbow
it's something, at least; at least they're not setting 3 = pi
- Location
- Europa, Jupiter Orbit
Hmm. The Ren wanting Leaf to look good theory makes a lot of sense. Any scenario in which Mist ends up being anything less than vaguely friendly is a scenario where Ren will not remain Mizukage for long. If, on the other hand, Mist becomes a close and important ally, said alliance can be manuevered to pretty much hinge on Ren. Barring catastrophy, she can have Leaf protect her Hat for as long as the Goketsu remain in power.
Origami Clock
Right twice a day
- Location
- Brighton, UK
Thankfully, the orbit is slightly eccentric. In a billion years or so the moon will go sailing off into space, and in the meantime, it's a handy space to watch the world go wahoonie-shaped. Possibly literally. I mean, B. S. Johnson could make a circle's pi = 3 with metalwork, imagine what he could do with write-access to universal constants?it's something, at least; at least they're not setting 3 = pi
On second thoughts don't. I'm pretty sure that's a memetic hazard.
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- Location
- NY
- Location
- Stuck in the Kamui Dimension!
If we go by SCP threat level it would be both a Reality Hazard and a Infohazard level
should be even ZK Reality Failure.
- Location
- Liverpool
The thread has been quiet for many hours. I don't like it. Did the Luchapzens get everyone?!?
But maybe now's a good time to think about general anti Shikamaru strategies, since we'll likely need them no matter how our fight with Keiko goes?
But maybe now's a good time to think about general anti Shikamaru strategies, since we'll likely need them no matter how our fight with Keiko goes?
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Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
Keep him awake the night before and I guarantee you he won't even bother fighting.
Omake: Chapter 241: Hazou vs Sanity feat. Keiko (Lupchanzen Remix)
Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
Don't worry, fam, I gotcha.
There they were: brother and sister standing in the arena. This was their moment to spread their ideas of Uplift to an international audience. Whatever happened here would determine how the world would see the Goketsu forever.
Keiko generally had no interest in anything involving showmanship but even she couldn't pretend to be wholly unaffected by the pressure. They had to get this right.
Which they would, since Hazou had promised to take the lead and she would just have to go by the script he gave her to memorize. And she got to play the villain which was always a nice little bonus.
"Hello everyone, it's me again: the closest claim Mist has to an actual victory in this tournament - not that they can actually take credit for it but we all know it won't stop them. You obviously remember me from my previous, explosive performance where I punched a guy into a coma for getting my shirt dirty. But today I want to talk about something close to my heart: Uplift! It's pretty great and you should all try it!" Hazou said with a smile, then turned to look expectantly at Keiko.
And kept looking.
And looking.
Keiko didn't even have to glance around to know that the audience was starting to grow restless. Was that it? Was that all he was going to say? Why was he going off-script already? What was he thinking?
Did he seriously expect her to pull in the audience? Or did he scrap his Uplift speech in an effort to unbalance her for the match? That was not really in character for him but Hazou could be tricky when he wanted to...
And that was clearly not acceptable so she would have to retaliate in kind.
"No, it's not," she replied with just a hint of ice in her voice.
"Oh," he replied intelligently.
Keiko kept staring at him - waiting for any sign that would indicate they would go back on script - but all he was doing was smiling at her. The prospect of bashing his perfect white teeth in was becoming more and more appealing by the minute.
She didn't know how much time had passed, but if she didn't know better she would have sworn she heard chakra cicadas chirping in the background. Which was clearly not possible because it was neither the correct climate nor the season for them.
Finally, the annoyingly energetic judge she got to know during her last match decided to jump in and cleared her throat. "Well, I suppose this would be a good time to start?"
Might as well. And after the match Hazou and her would have words. Thankfully they already stood in the quarry so there was no need to move down there because she didn't trust herself not to trip Hazou if they had to walk down together. Which would be bad because Mist would probably try to disqualify them both.
It'd be worth it though.
Probably.
"One moment please, Keiko. Before we start I wanted to advise you not to use your summons in this match." What? "Because Jiraiya taught me Summoning as well last night and I would have to respond in kind, you understand. Also, I have awakened the Sharingan which is pretty neat. Didn't even have to die for it."
Not yet anyway.
Hazou is clearly making things up so he has to overcome not only his targets' Deceit score but also a hefty penalty modifier.
NB: This isn't a precedent for future encounters because I clearly don't know what I am doing and it might change later on.
Idiot Brother, Deceit: 24 + 6 (Dice) - 20 ("You Cannot Be Serious!") = 10
Idiot Audience, Deceit: 6 - 2 (Dice) = 4
Keiko, Deceit: 10 - 4 (Dice) = 6
NB: This isn't a precedent for future encounters because I clearly don't know what I am doing and it might change later on.
Idiot Brother, Deceit: 24 + 6 (Dice) - 20 ("You Cannot Be Serious!") = 10
Idiot Audience, Deceit: 6 - 2 (Dice) = 4
Keiko, Deceit: 10 - 4 (Dice) = 6
What?!
The audience actually started cheering at his proclamation which meant the sound amplification jutsu was still active. And that her Idiot Brother just blew OPSEC on his two major trump cards. Which - to be fair - seemed a lot more in character for him than anything else he had said or done so far.
Forget about having words after this match. They would have sentences, if not paragraphs.
"Anyway, just figured I would tell you so you aren't too surprised later on," Hazou said while cupping his hands over his eyes. "Oh, also: Sharingan activate, WOOHOO!"
Hazou removed his hands and looked at her with red eyes and a smug expression.
Just going to sum up rolls from here on. Remember Hazou is operating under a penalty for Deceit (and clearly Intelligence).
SharinZou, Deceit: 8
Audience, Deceit: 3
Keiko, Deceit: 10
SharinZou, Deceit: 8
Audience, Deceit: 3
Keiko, Deceit: 10
And what was this pungent smell?
...
Did he seriously smear onions into his eyes just to irritate them (and her!) so they would turn red? And why was the audience cheering for this idiocy?! For crying out loud, you could even see the discarded pieces lying all around him!
Enough. If he was lying about his Sharingan, chances are he was also lying about having been taught summoning. It was time for her to make a move.
"Summoning Technique: go, Pangaya!" / "Summoning Technique: go, Gamabunta!"
Hazou, Summoner Extraordinaire, Sharingan User and Likely Victim of Fratricide, Deceit: -4
Keiko, Actual Summoner and Likely Perpetrator of Fratricide, Deceit: 16
Pangaya, Deceit: -5
"Gamabunta", Artistic Value: 0
Keiko, Actual Summoner and Likely Perpetrator of Fratricide, Deceit: 16
Pangaya, Deceit: -5
"Gamabunta", Artistic Value: 0
Once the smoke had cleared, Pangaya was standing besides her, ready for her orders whereas... Hazou was standing on a huge boulder. A boulder that had clearly been crudely drawn upon with crayons to - if one were to be very generous - look like some form of animal. One that a five year old could have effortlessly drawn better because she was pretty sure toads (?) did not have five legs.
"Hah, see! I wasn't joking. Boss summon right there, no problem! Also, please note how I copied your jutsu with my awesome Sharingan," her Target announced.
Keiko couldn't help but fixate on his throat and imagine how nice it would feel to choke him right here and then. But that had to wait. First things first:
"Pangaya, please inflict as much as pain as you can on my brother without crippling him permanently," she ordered her summon.
"I apologize, summoner, but I cannot. The Toads are allies of the Pangolins and attacking one another even in a mock battle is forbidden."
OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
What had she done to deserve this? Besides abandoning her village and murdering some innocent people, anyway (which clearly didn't count since a lot of ninjas did that).
-o-o-o-
"I see you have taught Hazou well, Jiraiya," That Woman said with a laugh that Jiraiya was sure didn't require tapping into the Iron Nerve. "He even picked up on some of your... better qualities."
"Well, I guess so. But at least he is still in the tournament, so there is that," Jiraiya countered with a tone that indicated that he clearly wished he wasn't. He had to suppress a wince when Hazou started pulling out a bunch of chakra drained - and most definitely not summoned - chakra toads out of his pocket to throw at Pangaya who just stood there with a decidedly confused expression while they bounced off of her scales harmlessly.
"Indeed, he seems to be on the mental fast track for jounin, don't you agree?" A chimed in.
Jiraiya could only facepalm when Hazou started cackling like a maniac from atop his stupid, stupid boulder.
Well, at least someone was having fun.
-o-o-o-
"Look at me! I am invincibile! I am a god! Fear me!" Hazou yelled at Keiko while contuining his futile barrage of toads against her summon. Keiko drew no small amount of pleasure from the fact that even with such a large and stationary target he was still missing more than half of his... projectiles.
In the end, she decided to do the mature thing and threw a blunted kunai at his face.
"Ow, my nose! You are just lucky that I am still not used to my new Sharingan vision and things are still a bit blurry."
"...And that couldn't be because your eyes are still tearing up from the onions?" Keiko countered while dismissing Pangaya for Panashe who would hopefully turn out to be less gullible than her previous summon.
"What? No! I have no idea what you mean. Anyway, time to use another of my patented trump cards! Secret Technique: Ino-Shika-Cho Comb--"
Unfortunately for him that was as far as he got because Panashe grabbed the storage seal from out of his hands and threw it at Keiko who inspected it with a dubious look.
'Ino-Shika-Cho Combination Attack by the Almighty Hazou - Only Open During Emergencies, Akatsuki Invasions or Party Night (or when hungry)'
Seriously?
While it was generally a bad idea to operate seals with unknown efects, Keiko was pretty sure this was just a normal storage seal and - more importantly - she was beyond caring at this point. If whatever came out of the scroll killed her, then so be it. Plus, there was always a chance it would take Hazou along with it.
She activated the scroll and deftly caught the three items that popped out: a long, black piece of cloth whose ending was tied up in a noose; a bag of snacks; and a piece of paper which read: 'Yo Keiko, you so bad at ninja that you don't think of explosives as the first solution to all your problems!'
This was... terrible. No way around it.
A stupid piece of cloth that presumably stood in for the refined Shadow Techniques of the Nara, a beyond awful insult emulating the Yamanaka Mind Manipulation Techniques, and snacks because... Akimichi?
She was again sharply reminded why Hazou usually ran his plans through Noburi and her before implementing them. With a sigh she discarded the items and prepared an explosive to throw at Hazou to end this match for good.
"Wait! Please!" the Moron begged.
Against her better judgment she actually did. "What now, Hazou?"
"I didn't want to do this but you leave me no choice. Secret Anti-Keiko Technique: Doll of Many Hugs," he replied while unsealing a life-sized, stuffed doll that was... wearing her clothes?!
But even more disturbing than that were the random spots of honey all over the doll for reasons she outright refused to guess.
"You see, I really didn't want to do this but if you don't yield now, I will hug this doll that looks exactly like you." It did not. Not even remotely. "And since we all know you hate hugging, and this is basically me hugging you by proxy, you have no choice but to forfeit the match."
Hazou (?), Grasp on Reality: 2 (Base stat) + 2 (Dice) - 3 (Concussion from Keiko's previous hit) - 1 (Onion stuck in his nose) - 30 (Thinking this would actually work) = -30
Keiko, Grasp on Reality: Swiftly dwindling but still higher than Hazou's by a large margin
Keiko, Grasp on Reality: Swiftly dwindling but still higher than Hazou's by a large margin
By Yagura's Bad Haircut, he actually believed that this would work, didn't he?
Keiko was weighing the advantages of simply admitting defeat here just to lull him into a false sense of security so her revenge later could be all the more satisfying.
On the other hand, she could just explode him. Very gently, so he wouldn't be crippled for life. But no, injuring him now could elicit sympathetic responses from their family and friends later and that just would not do.
There was still one optimal route to maximize his suffering however.
"Fine, I yield the match. I can't make promises as to what will happen later though."
"Hah, I knew it! I win! I am amazing!"
Hazou turned to the audience. "Witness the glory of Uplift! It can do anything, even defeat the scariest of foes!"
Bold claim, that. One that Keiko was sure to thoroughly test tonight.
With a pillow held firmly against Hazou's sleeping face.
XP AWARD: 2+1
Vote time! What do you do now?
Do try and survive the night so @Velorien can write the Ami date. Because, yes, she was in attendance and she has a great deal of questions.
Voting ends on Wednesday, January 16, 2019, at 12pm London time.
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- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
Tell him that we're willing to both take a thirty minute nap before actually starting the match. While he's asleep, prep the surroundings.
(Or just take a nap ourselves. Shikamaru will still appreciate it and we'd be playing more fair)
- Location
- Liverpool
Somewhere out there, Mari is trying not to laugh at a particular interpretation of that.
There's also probably a small chance he throws the fight (convincingly (but I don't know what level of convincingly)) to us if he thinks we/Keiko stand a decent chance of winning overall, since his family had thrown in with Jiraiya and needs him to keep the hat.
Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
Funny you should say that...
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
Most interpretations, I'd think.
Apropos of nothing, we should try to meet Shiori and chit chat with her. Nerd out about some roleplaying games
- Location
- Yes.
If Keiko wins it probably doesn't matter. Shikamaru's shadow techniques stand no chance against a combat Pangolin, explosive tags aren't strong enough to hurt Pankurashun, and anything he can put in a storage seal isn't going to slow him down, unless he's willing to break OPSEC on having vibranium or some shit.
If Hazou wins...he has a burrowing technique and the ability to detect others, plus clones. One interesting interaction would be Shikamaru's Shadow Mimic vs. Kurosawa's Iron Nerve: If Hazou can clamp down on IN would it allow him to resist the Kagmane? And would it be a good idea for him to show it in such a public setting?
- Location
- floating away
Step 1: Have Jiraiya Summon the Smallest Toad he has available ~ 30 minutes before the match during a pre-match "pep talk" with Hazou
Step 2: Stuff it in Hazous shirt
Step 3: Smoke bomb + shout "summoning jutsu" + have the little guy jump out of his shirt mid fight.
Step 4: Profit?
You know, Panda is small enough for a civilian to carry, and I'm pretty sure his upkeep is lower than Keikos regen. I wonder if she could just carry him into the arena in her bag. Or maybe even just have him stay in Leaf long term to facilitate greater mutual understanding...Da Rules said:
Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
I wonder if we could convince Pandaa to suicide bomb people.