Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

Dissonance · Oct 4, 2018

TaliesinSkye said:
We're playing a hormone soaked teenage boy, we'll probably be all for having her around as much as possible. >.>

An ace mc wouldn't : (
Should have a Bojack/mfd crossover episode where Ninja!Todd exists

Dissonance · Oct 4, 2018

Question: why does Shiori keep thinking about euphemism stuff when interacting with Keiko?

I remember that something happened, but I don't remember what/when.

Emstar · Oct 4, 2018

Cariyaga said:
I mean, it's to the point that even Oneiros said that we shouldn't do social stuff any more

I would like to give a signal boost to this, specifically.

@Velorien I'm going to put my thoughts into a PM. You will also get a reaction post and an omake separately at some point later tonight. This I promise.

Inferno Vulpix · Oct 4, 2018

Cariyaga said:
Well... to expand on the "feeling powerless" thing, another part of why I felt that way is that not only did the whole scenario come out of left field, contained within the update with no way to impact it, but the content of the writing itself came off as humorous in a way that... seems to belie what (it seems to me like) will actually happen as a result of this:

I could absolutely be panicking over nothing, but I can't imagine this not being impactful to internal politics between the Goketsu and other clans, regarding loss of face if nothing else, but also how much of an ass Hazou made of himself at the end.

As a side-story or an omake I would be laughing my ass off at this, but it's difficult to find funny when it seems to me that there are immediate and very bad consequences. Of course, with the length of the chapter as is it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect you to add another thousand words discussing that no it's not actually THAT big of a deal (or that it is, going against the tone of the update).

Personally, the problem is less "Hazou stuck his foot in his mouth" and more "Hazou stuck his foot in his mouth in a long-term-impactful way that sets him back in his goals appreciably without anything we could do about it".

I mean, it's to the point that even Oneiros said that we shouldn't do social stuff any more

Velorien said:
Oh, one more thing, @Cariyaga especially.

Players feeling powerless is a very bad thing. QMs not being able to introduce problems caused by NPC agency and/or Compels is also a bad thing. What would you consider a reasonable compromise?

NB: Always terminating the update at decision points and committing to always rejecting Compels are obvious solutions which come with their own significant disadvantages that lead me not to recommend them.

For reference, my current opinion of the situation is that it probably won't have social consequences that bad, given how vehemently (if ineffectually) Hazou attempted to dissuade Anko. Ino, from what we saw of her internal monologue, seems to already accept that Hazou wasn't planning an orgy, even if she's still ticked off that he couldn't stop Anko. Others, like Nakano or Shiori, who seemed to expect lewdness and generally had a harder time getting what game night was all about, might not fully recognize Hazou's intentions, but we should be able to patch that up with an honest conversation.

The biggest trouble I see arising from this, apart from the inevitable teasing and assorted transient shame, is that Hazou might not be so good at reassuring Nakano that no really there wasn't anything like an orgy planned and that it's safe to come to more game nights because nothing like that will happen, but there are a few options that open for us on that front if we give it a couple days. In the meantime, as long as we have the right mindset when we approach the others I expect things to turn out alright.

Veedrac · Oct 4, 2018

E: All these "Hugs" reactions are making me question my ability to translate tone into text...

Velorien said:
Just glanced at the Discord after the above comment RE inverse Minori. I just wanted to say that I don't consider "I'm not comfortable with this on a personal level" to be a salt-type comment. Whether I agree with people who feel that way or not (I probably don't, given I chose to write this update), it's important to have the feedback so I can better gauge where this community's line is. For example, enough people were uncomfortable with the orgy part of the update that I'll be more careful next time I write anything in the same ballpark, and knowing exactly what made them uncomfortable would help with that.

Compare and contrast the running joke about Keiko being tied up, which hasn't generated any negative feedback. It's important for me to know what makes the difference.

When I was younger, my dad showed me a sketch on YouTube where—though I've probably mangled details—this girl has a date, the guy leaves, then she undresses (flesh offscreen), unzips her skin, and a lizardperson climbs out and probably opens a beer or something. Overall, mediocre skit, but pretty tame as things go.

The rational half of me guessed the gist of things pretty much as soon as the skit started. It was a short on YouTube that my dad thought was funny enough to show me; it was obviously some short joke and there was no ambiguity at all. And yet the other emotional half of my brain was screaming—in the nonsubvocal way it expresses itself—why the fuck is my dad showing me a video of a girl stripping? This would have been an invisible impediment if not for the fact said half of my brain, which I am/was normally more than capable of overriding when it decides to think stupid things, happened to also find itself in control of my left arm, which it decided to vibrate with much gusto, as if trying to provide a distraction à la the exotic orchestra of the rattlesnake. As if on cue my father thought that a good time to clarify that (paraphrasing) "this isn't that kind of video", but to that my vocal brain only said "well duh" and to which my less receptive side said instead "SORRY WHAT WAS THAT YOU MENTIONED I WAS TOO BUSY MAKING THIS SOCIAL EVENT AS AWKWARD AS POSSIBLE BRRRRRRRR". Overall, a pretty poor way to spend half a dozen minutes, if funny in retrospect.

Basically what I'm saying is that framing things in advance helps. If a dumber half of me is asking whether I'm going to have to read about a bunch of kids having an orgy, it makes it a lot harder to enjoy the story, which holds almost regardless of how low probability of said scene is by rational analysis. Dunno if it would help the people who object at a more fundamental or moralistic level, but it'd have been nicer for me with comparatively little censorship.

Korporati · Oct 4, 2018

Velorien said:
"Now shoo. I have a great deal of thinking to do thanks to you, and I have to prepare for tonight, and I am expected to defend the honour of the Kurosawa at the gaming table—not that the bastards deserve it, and you never heard me say that—despite having only just heard of this Strategic Dominance

Wait, isn't hana supposed to be in the gaming night?
This bit of text suggest she is.

@Velorien did she not come for the gaming night?

Inferno Vulpix · Oct 4, 2018

Korporati said:
Wait, isn't hana supposed to be in the gaming night?
This bit of text suggest she is.

Velorien said:
So far, the party was a roaring success. People were mingling, Nakano's team wasn't meeting with any more overt discrimination, Rock Lee was too into a game of Civilian Burger to be Rock Lee at anyone, and everybody loved both Mum's cookies (though she'd brought fewer than he expected) and Kagome-sensei's masterwork snacks.

The pair themselves were ensconced in the apocalypse-proof armoured bunker that Kagome-sensei called his room, he having decided that he'd had enough of crowds for the night, and she having found a keen audience for her recollections of what it was like to be a mother putting a child through the Academy, and how in her opinion the place would be better off burned to the ground and rebuilt by competent people who actually cared about children and also didn't take drugs on the job.

Going by this, Hana left the party early to talk with Kagome, and I figure Hazou was too busy being host to pay much attention to her.

Cariyaga · Oct 4, 2018

Inferno Vulpix said:
Going by this, Hana left the party early to talk with Kagome, and I figure Hazou was too busy being host to pay much attention to her.

...Hm. Where do you think those fewer cookies went?

Kiba · Oct 4, 2018

Wonder if Hana knew or at least suspect that we were responsible for the Lizardbreath incident.

faflec · Oct 4, 2018

Kiba said:
Wonder if Hana knew or at least suspect that we were responsible for the Lizardbreath incident.

I mean...

Velorien said:
"Classic Hazō. So full of bright ideas he forgets that other people are allowed to be smart as well." Shin laughed, but without malice. "As soon as I heard the announcement this afternoon, I knew it had to be you. Who else benefits from the Mizukage making an official statement on the legality of drugs? Who else would pick Old Lizardbreath as a target? Who else would think this crazy stunt was a good idea and get away with it?"

...

"By successfully violating all known military doctrine, and then drugging a major authority figure? Which isn't public knowledge yet, by the way. Obviously, everyone put the pieces together after the Mizukage made the proclamation earlier today, but according to the proctors, you were already in the barracks at that time, and we're the first team to arrive here since it was made. Funny how the idea of Old Lizardbreath going on a drug-fuelled rampage didn't come as any surprise to you."

eaglejarl · Oct 4, 2018

TaliesinSkye said:
It seems like sealmasters are like a bunch of mathematicians who are all using notation they personally invented so other sealmasters have to work hard to puzzle out what the heck they mean. What if we convinced Jiraiya to get Leaf's sealmasters together and order them to hash out a new, unified standard notation that everybody would use, especially all new sealmasters trained henceforth? It would massively ease the process of transferring knowledge between Leaf sealmasters, which could only be a big benefit going forward even if it's a pain for people to relearn some things in the short term. The new standard could be put into a reference book that's like a modern style or citation guide.

It's not a question of notation, it's a fundamental property of sealing and/or chakra. People have been practicing sealing for hundreds of years; if a master could have taught zir apprentice in the master's own style, zie would have done so.

TaliesinSkye said:
Are you secretly a malicious genie? XD

Genie? No. Quite human. Because, in Trumpistan, saying otherwise would get me deported.

TaliesinSkye said:
Can't sealmasters infuse other sealmasters' blanks? Or were all those instances a sealmaster making the blank in another sealmaster's style?

No they can't and yes they were. In point of fact, Hazō and other seal-trained Kurosawa (if there are any) are the only ones alive who can draw someone else's blanks with any degree of safety at all.

MMKII said:
I would like to give a signal boost to this, specifically.

@Velorien I'm going to put my thoughts into a PM. You will also get a reaction post and an omake separately at some point later tonight. This I promise.

May want to include me and @OliWhail as well, or add us if you've already sent it.

Briefvoice · Oct 5, 2018

Cariyaga said:
Well... to expand on the "feeling powerless" thing, another part of why I felt that way is that not only did the whole scenario come out of left field, contained within the update with no way to impact it, but the content of the writing itself came off as humorous in a way that... seems to belie what (it seems to me like) will actually happen as a result of this:

I could absolutely be panicking over nothing, but I can't imagine this not being impactful to internal politics between the Goketsu and other clans, regarding loss of face if nothing else, but also how much of an ass Hazou made of himself at the end.

As a side-story or an omake I would be laughing my ass off at this, but it's difficult to find funny when it seems to me that there are immediate and very bad consequences. Of course, with the length of the chapter as is it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect you to add another thousand words discussing that no it's not actually THAT big of a deal (or that it is, going against the tone of the update).

Personally, the problem is less "Hazou stuck his foot in his mouth" and more "Hazou stuck his foot in his mouth in a long-term-impactful way that sets him back in his goals appreciably without anything we could do about it".

I mean, it's to the point that even Oneiros said that we shouldn't do social stuff any more

I think the fact that it came out of left field contained within the update is proof that this falls under the "not actually THAT big a deal" side of the equation.

My view of the covenant between QMs and players is that if something going wrong is only mildly bad and not likely to have catastrophic future consequences then they are justified in ploughing through it and continuing the update without consulting the players. If there are huge bad consequences then they should stop the update at the first place the PC can reasonably intervene to salvage the situation and consult the players.

This sailed on through, therefore it's just a funny incident that didn't amount to more than bruises. I can even give you proof.

If this had been really bad, Hazou would have taken a mental consequence from it. The fact he didn't so much as suck even a Mild Consequence is proof that he doesn't take it all that seriously.

Cariyaga · Oct 5, 2018

Briefvoice said:
If this had been really bad, Hazou would have taken a mental consequence from it. The fact he didn't so much as suck even a Mild Consequence is proof that he doesn't take it all that seriously.

Velorien said:
-o-

Hazō, pale and shaken from the unprovoked wrath of Keiko, still exhausted, and with a rapidly-cooling mug of hot chocolate in his hand, loudly cleared his throat. Every eye in the room turned on him.

?

TaliesinSkye · Oct 5, 2018

eaglejarl said:
It's not a question of notation, it's a fundamental property of sealing and/or chakra. People have been practicing sealing for hundreds of years; if a master could have taught zir apprentice in the master's own style, zie would have done so.

Genie? No. Quite human. Because, in Trumpistan, saying otherwise would get me deported.

No they can't and yes they were. In point of fact, Hazō and other seal-trained Kurosawa (if there are any) are the only ones alive who can draw someone else's blanks with any degree of safety at all.

May want to include me and @OliWhail as well, or add us if you've already sent it.

Thanks for the clarification

I was poking fun about the genie thing because of your joke about interpreting the wording as not sleeping. Like a genie maliciously interpreting wishes for its own personal humor in causing ironic fates for the petty mortals.

Emstar · Oct 5, 2018

TaliesinSkye said:
Thanks for the clarification

I was poking fun about the genie thing because of your joke about interpreting the wording as not sleeping. Like a genie maliciously interpreting wishes for its own personal humor in causing ironic fates for the petty mortals.

Ummm no, @eaglejarl is a literal genie. A jinn. Afrit. Spirit of air and fire.

See the following quotes for reference:

Jello_Raptor said:
I will note that @eaglejarl does not lie in this thread. My model of him would believe that lying as a GM is somewhere between being a poor sport and actively detrimental to the notion of a rational quest.

That said, the asshole is more than willing to say very misleading things that are technically true.

You have to treat every post of his in this thread (outside of story posts) as a dickish literal genie. Only the direct statements he's making count.

None of the things he implies or indirectly hints at are sure to be true, in fact, given that he's a huge troll, there's a negative penalty to the probability of any statement that's strongly implied but not directly spelled out.

Problem is, he knows that we know this, so he's going to mix in some truths to fuck with us. I still think there should be slight negative penalty simply because I expect there to be a reasonable proportion of times where he just can't help himself and will troll. Even if the game-theoretically sound strategy is to flip a coin to decide whether he's going to troll or not on any given thing he wants to imply.

Jello_Raptor said:
No. Eaglejarl is a literal genie. All we know is that one of the meanings in the space of possible meanings of his words are true.

@eaglejarl: I'd like to point out that you brought this on yourself.

Jello_Raptor said:
Note: @eaglejarl is a literal genie!

He is just trying to trip and confuse us. Do not give in! @eaglejarl clearly meant "There are (no vampires) or (werewolves in MfD)" rather than the naive reading of those words.

This means there are only two options:

There are no vampires in the real world, therefore there must be werewolves in MfD! EJ can't introduce further emo-ness because it has already happened!

There are no werewolves in MfD, and this is a cry for help that EJ hopes will escape the sight of the vampire cabal that enforces the masquerade!

For numerous reasons I suspect it's the former. As such we should be on the lookout for werewolves throughout our run in MfD. I suggest adding an ongoing contingency to all future plans to be on the lookout for any anomalously hairy individuals.

Oneiros · Oct 5, 2018

If this is the results we can expect from social interactions that hav no ulterior motives or plots from the hivemind I can't support any social maneuvering

Kiba · Oct 5, 2018

Oneiros said:
If this is the results we can expect from social interactions that hav no ulterior motives or plots from the hivemind I can't support any social maneuvering

Wuss! What are you afraid of?

Emstar · Oct 5, 2018

Oneiros said:
If this is the results we can expect from social interactions that hav no ulterior motives or plots from the hivemind I can't support any social maneuvering

Kiba said:
Wuss! What are you afraid of?

Holy shit I woke up trapped in the mirrorverse.

HELP! HELP!

I WANNA GET OUT

Vecht · Oct 5, 2018

MMKII said:
Holy shit I woke up trapped in the mirrorverse.

HELP! HELP!

I WANNA GET OUT

No, you should stay.

Stay, and together we will spend all of our time h̛̳̩͙̰͍͇̖e̷̸̬̝͈l̘͇̙̮̣͕͟͢p̨͙͉̞̮͎̩̭̳̝i͙̟n̻͓̟͉̙͓̪̟̥g̵̢̙̲ͅ ̧̝͍͢p̱͟e͍͖͕̞̪͎̪̳͟͞ͅo͕͍̞p̶҉̠͘l͖͈̘̖͈͍͉̪͡ḛ͚͘ ̷̨̠̥͓͕̖̺͔̹d̴̢̡̠̗̠̯͖̰̦̱iŗ̜ͅę̥̮c̝̮̯̲̪͙̞̯͘͞t̵̥͕l̛̠̦̥̼̜̟͖y̴͙̬̝̤̮͎.

Dissonance · Oct 5, 2018

Hm. I indulged in nostalgia-driven procrastination when I had to pack stuff into my truck and got caught in the "ooh shiny" of booting up an old iMac that's existed for only a few years less than I have.

512MB ram, can't even run chrome smh.

Anyone west of Ohio want it? Say... Between Ohio & Washington, between Colorado and Montana, inclusive. I'll drive it there.
PM me - I will refuse any offer of payment, but info on neat tourist-y things within ~300 miles would be cool.

Oh, and I leave in eight hours. Yeah, talk about procrastination.

TaliesinSkye · Oct 5, 2018

MMKII said:
Ummm no, @eaglejarl is a literal genie. A jinn. Afrit. Spirit of air and fire.

See the following quotes for reference:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wow, that is just perfect.

Emstar · Oct 5, 2018

I am sufficiently tired and groggy enough to replicate my mental state on read through number one. Despite this being readthrough four in <24 hours. Lets go!

Velorien said:
Chapter 216: Playing With Fire

"I apologise," the guard said gruffly, looking down at Kei like an unimpressed elite chūnin looking down at an impertinent genin girl, "but the Hokage is in a meeting right now and can't be disturbed. Please come back later."

Kei pondered her options. It seemed… unwise to attempt to intimidate the veteran guards of the Hokage Tower, and besides, after this afternoon, she was wary of over-reliance on that particular tool. Stealth was equally unlikely to succeed. She did not know how many shinobi before her had attempted to infiltrate the Hokage's office, nor how many of them had survived long enough to take their one-way journey to T&I. Perhaps she should simply wait, and gamble that the meeting would finish early enough for Jiraiya to bring Mari-sensei home without encountering gaming night guests.

Her high was already fading, leaving her only with darker thoughts of Mari-sensei, her own general incompetence (by what miracle had she been able to convince Hana of anything?) and an uncertain future for all concerned. And, of course, she remained a Mori, substituting the final dregs of her anger for an initiative she did not possess. There did not appear to have been any dire mental consequences to her presumption, but on the other hand this could be because she had essentially spent the day blundering aimlessly from destination to destination, taking whatever action seemed obvious at the time. In retrospect, she should be ashamed of herself.

QM Compel: "Just Follow the Plan".
Keiko spends 1 FP to refuse.

It would be vastly more natural and less dangerous for her to follow tradition and wallow in self-loathing. The furious animation that had permitted her to come this far was gone, and without it she was once again useless as an independent agent. Yet just this once, Kei would defy her limits for one simple reason: Mari-sensei was still waiting for her.

"Allow me to present the matter to you from a different angle," Kei said. "You know the Hokage's policies better than I. Which would be worse, the consequences for allowing his daughter to interrupt his work, or the consequences for preventing his daughter from delivering urgent news pertaining to a noble clan?"

The guards exchanged glances.

"You know, you could have led with the 'urgent news' part."

"Noted."

I am somewhat terrified on the lax security procedures shown, but then again I guess Henge is now a thing for stones.

Regardless, I would demote Easily Fooled Chunin immediately.

Jiraiya was indeed in a meeting, his visitor a lanky man wearing a traveller's pack and ranting enthusiastically about the merits of some luxury item or other. Apparently, among other uses it was perfect for hot springs. Insofar as Jiraiya was Jiraiya, this had alarming implications.

"Ah," Jiraiya said on seeing her, lightly and without displaying surprise. "Tobikomi, meet my daughter Keiko."

The man turned to face her.

Hot springs, what? That name seems familiar. Huh.

The traditional response from a civilian would have been a bow, or at least a respectful nod to acknowledge her superior station—internalising that she was the princess of a noble clan, rather than the lesser daughter not spoken of lest it detract from the prestige brought by Ami, was still a work in progress, but Kei had no complaints. What Kei was not prepared for was the enormous grin.

"Why, what a perfectly adorable little girl! And so tall for only ten years old. You must really be packing away your greens!"

"Ten years old?" Jiraiya inquired curiously from behind him as Kei stood frozen with shock.

"My best guess. You forget, Lord Hokage: I've had the delight of meeting your beautiful young wife in person. She must have given birth to little Keiko at a very early age."

Mari-sensei? Give birth to her? Kei's brain decided to suspend operations rather than process either the image or its implications.

"Here, little girl, no need to be shy. Uncle Jibura always has a treat for his customers' children. With your permission, Lord Hokage?"

"Go ahead," Jiraiya replied, taking advantage of his position out of the man's line of sight to allow himself to shake with silent laughter.

He would pay. They would all pay.

Hmmm..

"I've had the delight of meeting your beautiful young wife in person."

Uh, so this guy knows Mari.

Wait a minute.

Insert a rush of flashback imagery.

HE IS HERE.

THE ONE WHO WILL TELESCOPE THE WORLD!

How enjoyable. I was waiting for this guy to come back! And on schedule too.

The appalling man pulled a small, paper-wrapped package from his pack. "I've got some special eastern candy just for you, little Keiko. Would you like some?"

He held the package out to her. Both men watched her, with paternal affection in one case and difficulty breathing in the other.

Kei did not trust herself to open her mouth to refuse. She had a premonition that her first words would be "Summoning Technique", and it would all go downhill from there. She should just take the damned candy and conclude this encounter while she still had some modicum of self-control.

Except the appalling man had it in a slightly cupped hand. She would have to risk touching him. The alternative would be to use non-verbal signals and reinforce Tobikomi's impressions of her childishness, as well as potentially hinting to Jiraiya that her issues went deeper than a mere distaste for physical affection (and that was none of his business).

Kei silently prayed for a lack of panic attack as she took one step towards Tobikomi. A second. An increasingly apprehensive third. Then, with the courage of a chūnin throwing herself at the Yellow Flash to gain her squad a few extra seconds to flee, her hand darted out, snatched the candy with an absolute minimum of physical contact, and instantly retracted as if burned. She retreated swiftly, not trusting herself to remain in melee range of the man while her kunai were within easy reach.

She suspected that from the outside she resembled a feral animal being coaxed to accept a treat.

Girl, you have some fucking issues. Granted, this guy is treating you like a ten year old despite your apparent murderchildness, but still.

OTOH: DO NOT MESS WITH THE TELESCOPE MERCHANT!

"Aren't you the sweetest thing," Tobikomi beamed. "Don't worry, I'm sure you won't be so scared of strangers once you grow up.

"Well, then, Lord Hokage, please allow me to take my leave. I have a long journey ahead of me to collect those samples I promised, and I intend to set out at once."

"Good evening to you, Tobikomi," Jiraiya said, the world's greatest spymaster visibly struggling to maintain a straight face.

"And of course," Tobikomi said as he left, "I will be sure to spread the word about the loveliness of the Hokage's little girl wherever I go. No extra charge."

His escape was mostly facilitated by Kei having to wait until she recovered the power of speech. "May I eviscerate him in an agonising fashion and suspend his desecrated remains from a gibbet as a warning to the rest of his misbegotten ilk, sir?"

"No, little Keiko, you may not."

Must not murder the Hokage. Nara Shikaku has refused the job. Must not murder the Hokage. Nara Shikaku has refused the job. Must not murder the Hokage. Nara Shikaku has refused the job.

"Please?" she assayed diplomacy. "You could make it my birthday present."

"Why can't you just ask for a chakra pony like a normal little girl?"

Nara might change his mind if Hyūga Hiashi were the only other candidate left alive. And she would be the Hokage's daughter-in-law, which was still acceptable.

That said, a tame chakra pony would make a formidable weapon, more than capable of mitigating her vulnerability at close range without the chakra expenditure or political strings of a summon. And if anyone had the resources to arrange such a thing, it would be the Hokage, between the sheer firepower required to capture the creature unharmed and the favours to have clan experts subjugate it to a human master.

She could learn to touch it. Perhaps even to ride it. She would find it a name expressive of both majesty and subtle elegance, and custom barding to compensate for the gaps in its natural armour. Snowflake patterns? No, too obvious. Stars and astronomical symbols? Too fairy-tale. Classic black and red? Easy to coordinate with—even Kei knew that much—but it would feel too much like a missed opportunity. Clearly, the matter would require extensive consideration.

*squints*

*scratches head*

Is this a My Little Pony reference or something? I'm inclined to guess that it is, merely that "Snowflake patterns" and "Stars and astronomical symbols." is a bit too specific.

Is cute that she is daydreaming of ponies, in her weird murderchild way.

"Done."

"I beg your pardon?"

"A chakra pony in exchange for sparing that man's life."

Jiraiya's mouth dropped open. "I wasn't serious! Do you have any idea what one of those things can do?"

"I was unaware that the Hokage was weak, or a man who did not honour his word."

"Oh, is that how it's going to be? I guess I'd better break the news to the rest of the clan about how my adorable ten-year-old daughter wants a pony after shyly accepting candy from a civilian."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Try me."

The two locked gazes.

A few seconds later, Kei heard the door behind her fly open.

She did not break eye contact with Jiraiya. If an assailant capable of reaching the Hokage's office was close enough to strike, she was dead in any case.

"Lord Hokage, we sensed a spike of killing intent!"

"Return to your posts." Jiraiya waved the guards away, also without breaking eye contact. "I will deal with this one myself."

Kei heard the door close.

She was aware that her opponent was holding back. No genin, however determined, could actually hope to defeat Jiraiya of the Three in a battle of wills. But they were also both aware that he could not simply crush her with his full power the way he would crush an enemy, not if he wanted to ever earn her love and respect as his daughter. Some might consider exploiting that weakness cynical, but Kei was Mari-sensei's pupil and a social cripple. There was no advantage she would not seize to win.

As the Hokage, Jiraiya was all but invincible. As an inexperienced parent facing a wilful teenage daughter… she would break him.

"It seems we're at an impasse," Jiraiya said slowly, eventually.

"Why, so we are."

"I suppose you think you can keep this up indefinitely."

"Only long enough to receive what I am owed."

"I don't owe you anything. It was a hypothetical."

"I followed your instruction, which was to request a chakra pony in preference to my original desire. For you to then deny the request would be duplicitous at the very least."

"Nobody gets a chakra pony for their birthday. That's basic common sense."

"Ah, so you manipulated me, with malice aforethought, into trading something for nothing. That certainly improves your moral stance."

"I don't need a moral stance. I'm the Hokage."

Kei raised an eyebrow.

"I mean that as the Hokage, I can just order you not to kill civilians. You do get that, right?"

"So you are exploiting the authority inherent in your office to retroactively justify reneging on a fairly made deal?"

Jiraiya gave a weary sigh. "You know what, it's late and I don't have the energy to deal with this. Keiko, if you keep it up with this chakra pony crap, I'm going to make sure the entire clan hears the ten-year-old-girl story in full detail. They will tease you forever, and you can say goodbye to that death glare you use to keep the boys under control. There, cards on the table."

"Mutually assured destruction, is it? Then I will tell them how their patriarch knowingly made his daughter a promise he could not keep, then attempted to blackmail her into silence. I will do this immediately after you have described to them, 'in full detail', the traumatic experience I was forced to endure while you did nothing but watch and laugh."

"It's always the quiet ones," Jiraiya muttered.

His eyes narrowed. "You're not getting a chakra pony. Leaf doesn't have the manpower to spare and you know exactly how full my plate is right now. Behave yourself and I promise I'll find you a birthday present you'll like just as much."

"Chakra raptor."

"That's worse! You can have a normal pet, like a cat or a dog. A smart one, like the Inuzuka have."

"Normal pets are for normal people. Chakra unicorn."

"Those don't exist. At least not at your clearance level. How about one of the minor chakra beasts? You know, something every kid will envy but not extermination mission material.

"At least not at your clearance level"

This strikes me as the sort of thing a master spy would just say offhand at the Darndest things, purely as a disinfo tactic.

Also: This is not a normal family.

"Except whatever Fifi is," he added as an afterthought. "That thing must never breed."

"You raise an excellent point. Kagome is permitted a pet, and you have never inquired into its species."

"Fine. A chakra collie, and I'll throw in some free books of your choice."

"One is enough, thank you, and you are already overdue on providing the clan with a well-stocked library. Chakra chameleon, if you please, and a set of custom shuriken seals as used by Tenten."

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that."

"I said I wanted a"—Kei blinked—"chakra ostrich and a set of custom shuriken seals as used by Tenten."

"That's what I thought. Those things are proprietary. You want some, you ask her yourself."

"And the chakra ostrich?"

"Over my dead body."

Kei sensed that she was reaching the limits of Jiraiya's patience. Given that he had the power to unilaterally terminate negotiations, she would have to skip to the end and hope she had laid enough groundwork.

"What about a juvenile chakra pony?"

Jiraiya took a full minute to consider this.

"…Early nymph stage tops. You have to take care of it, you're responsible for all costs, including compensation if it eats a civilian, and you're not to take it out on missions until it's an adult and it's been cleared by the Inuzuka Beastmaster."

"WehaveadealJiraiyaHokagesir."

"Finally. This should be a good one for Team Asuma. They're a capture squad, and more importantly it'll teach him not to be an ass about mission fees. Whatever he's saving up for is not my problem."

Jiraiya took a few seconds to emerge from his fantasies of revenge.

"What's that you're holding?"

"Hastily-written legal contract awaiting your seal, sir."

Jiraiya studied the contract thoughtfully.

"I wonder if I could ship you to the Nara early and bump up the dowry to compensate. Would Shikaku consider tonight too soon?"

He stamped the contract with his seal. Kei's heart soared.

THIS IS NOT A NORMAL FAMILY.

Everyone in this universe is so weird. Geez.

Sometimes, I think Noburi is the only sane one. Maybe he will make it back before Game Night. Can't be off defeating S rank threats all week, right?

"All right, enough tomfoolery for one evening. Did you have a reason to come here other than extorting an overworked old man?"

Kei's heart plummeted back into the depths where it belonged. She had been focusing on her own trauma and her own selfish desires while Mari-sensei was still there, in that dark room, weeping.

She explained this to Jiraiya, omitting Hana's involvement for the time being. She suspected that having the Hokage murder the Mizukage's sister would not improve the situation any.

"Fuck," Jiraiya eloquently summarised. "And this is the night when half of Leaf is going to be crammed inside the Gōketsu compound."

He rose from his chair and violently stuffed the stack of papers in front of him into a drawer visibly too small to contain them. It was a credit to Nara-optimised paper that a few of them survived unharmed.

"I'm going to go to the café and extract her. You go home and get everyone to run interference. Which is to say, pretend everything's normal, keep the guests busy, and under no circumstances let any of them go upstairs, or into the west wing, because I'll be using the west entrance to bring her back."

"There is no west entrance."

"There will be."

-o-

The gaming night had yet to truly begin, and the Gōketsu vixen was already looking harried. Doubtless she was only now realising that she'd bitten off more than she could chew as a hostess. A woman like that could never be Shikamaru's Lady Yoshino. Here is hard evidence for a previously untested claim.

Not that Shiori was the gloating type. She was simply stating the obvious. To herself. Repeatedly. While smiling.

The setup was perfect. If Gōketsu was already off-balance, it would make her that much more vulnerable during their long-awaited confrontation.

"Gōketsu, may I have a word in private?"

The so-called noble gave her a blank look. "Of course. Please follow me to an empty room."

Shiori followed, but stopped when she saw the sign over the door.

"G-Gōketsu, I didn't mean that kind of private!"

Gōketsu looked up at the sign, which read, "Flesh Combination Chamber".

Orochimaru, you are the gift that keeps on giving.

Clearly this was the old kitchen.

"Please pay it no mind. We inherited this compound from a previous owner, and many of the rooms now serve a purpose he did not intend."

Oh, right. Sexually deviant libertine.

Gōketsu gestured for her to sit. Shiori looked down uneasily.

"This is an ordinary chair, right?"

"Of course. Forgive me if it does not meet expectations—we have not had time to furnish secondary rooms such as this with our preferred kinds of furniture."

Shiori didn't dare to ask.

"Gōketsu Keiko. I do not believe we've met."

She didn't know who she was. This vile seductress, the woman plotting to take away her Shikamaru, hadn't even bothered to investigate her rival. Or was this just another calculated insult?

"Nara Shiori," she said through gritted teeth. "Shikamaru's personal assistant. He is unwell and asked me to come in his stead." It wasn't an ordinary part of her duties—she didn't have the social training to represent the clan at an event for the nobility—but when she remembered the adult game Gōketsu had sent her, and the note that came with it, Shiori had agreed without a second thought.

"Ah, yes," Gōketsu said, pretending to finally remember. "You were responsible for that… memorable itinerary."

A reminder of Gōketsu's victory in the face of Shiori's best efforts, casually thrown in her face. Well, Shiori refused to be put on the defensive so easily.

"Not as memorable as what you sent me afterwards."

Gōketsu must have sensed the hostility in her voice. "Was it too blunt? If so, apologies. I am sometimes insensitive to such subtleties."

The image of certain implements featured in Gōketsu's gift floated to the top of Shiori's mind. She was worried they were too blunt? When they were unpacking the game, Shiori thought they felt pleasantly rounded—and she was going to cut off that thought right there. But for Gōketsu to just openly discuss her sensitivity to such things with a stranger? What was wrong with her?

Or… what if Shiori's worst suspicions were correct and Gōketsu was already treating her as part of her planned ménage a trois? Was she about to ask for Shiori's most intimate secrets in return? Was Shiori supposed to have those? What if she needed some for tonight's games?

"I, um, can't comment on any of that. We didn't end up playing in the end." So smooth, Shiori. No wonder Gōketsu was already talking rings around her.

"Oh, yes. Now I recall, Nara said something about there being 'no game'. I do apologise. I suppose they must have given you the wrong package at the shop. However, please be reassured that you will not require prior experience for the version we will be playing tonight. It offers a wide variety of different tools and approaches, in many cases more elaborate than those of the two-player game, and in some ways it is better that you will be approaching it with a more open mind. Although, with fifteen other guests, I cannot guarantee you a place in a Strategic Dominance game."

"F-Fifteen guests?"

"Fear not. We have a sufficient variety of other games as well. If you are naturally suited to roleplaying, for example, perhaps Hazō will fulfil a desire you did not know you possessed. Strictly speaking, it was Noburi who crafted 'The Witch King's Chains', but in his absence Hazō should have no difficulties guiding a beginner through the adventure."

"Ch-Chains?"

It was at this point, that a groggy MMKII realized how everything was going to come tumbling down.

Or so he thought.

"No? Well, there is always Sealing Failure. I understand it can be an acquired taste—people can be strangely uncomfortable playing with portals to forbidden realms, constant tentacle assaults and unnatural eldritch abominations—but I personally have grown to rather enjoy it. If that sounds intimidating, I can confirm that, since total cooperation on the human side is required for survival, it is reasonably beginner-friendly. However, take care to accept guidance from more experienced players in order to minimise sanity loss."

Shiori found herself feeling faint. She had never even considered the implications of… experimentation… with the Gōketsu sealmasters. Was it too late to run for her life?

No. She was here as Shikamaru's representative. He believed in her. In fact, if he'd sent her, maybe he meant for her to acquire new skills and experiences so she could one day be a better lover for him. It all sounded… frankly blood-chilling, but if it was for him, she could try to expose herself to whatever the gaming night had to offer.

Her head still spinning from all the obscenity into which she was expected to throw herself (fifteen strangers!), she suddenly remembered that she had called Gōketsu out for a reason. Tonight, yes, tonight would see her formal declaration of war.

"There is something I want to say to you, Gōketsu." Shiori steeled herself.

"Oh?"

"I know you think you hold all the cards. I know you think all the pieces are already in place and I don't stand a chance against your underhanded tactics. But I promise you: I will not go down easily." Aaargh, worst possible choice of words ever!

"This game is only just beginning," Shiori hurried on before Gōketsu took that last part as a challenge, "and if you think it's all going to go your way, then you know nothing about real Nara. I know the odds. I know them all too well. But I also know that you can't predict the outcome until the final throw of the dice. I'm willing to stake everything I have on this battle. Are you?"

"Gambling is not a social activity to which I am accustomed," Gōketsu said after a second to take in the passion behind Shiori's declaration, "and it would seem unfair to compete in such given the clear gap in skill between us at this time."

Oh, that utter bitch. The restraint it took for Shiori not to simply slap her and take the consequences…

"Then again, if you believe you have the requisite natural talent, I would be happy to test it in a game of Strategic Dominance. As to the stakes…

"Ah, perfect. Tomorrow, I am due for an instance of two individuals spending a day together in order to facilitate greater mutual knowledge and familiarity, arranged in anticipation of a potential long-term relationship."

"You mean a date?"

"No! Why does everyone keep assuming that? I will merely be socialising with Nara, as befits his presumptive fiancée."

It took all of Shiori's self-control not to growl as Gōketsu gleefully punched her in the gut with reality. On an objective level, she envied the woman's deft mastery of social skills, which allowed her to casually drop massive insults into the conversation in ways that would make Shiori sound unreasonable if she called them out. You lack the foundations necessary to proceed with your argument and should backtrack while you have the chance. She did not and would not. Screw you, inner Nara.

"Regardless," Gōketsu went on, "this arrangement, once unproblematic, now interferes with other potential plans for the day. As Nara's assistant, it would not be difficult for you to invent a pretext to replace me and spend the day with him instead."

Shiori gasped. What was this? Was she being toyed with? Was this a peace offering? Or part of some incredibly subtle game? She refused to give up—ever—but she had to admit that Gōketsu's sophisticated noble wiles were making her feel increasingly outclassed.

"I accept," she said quickly. "And what if you win?"

"That is if I win."

No, never mind. Shiori gave up.

"I admit, however, that I am at a loss as to what to offer you if you win. The direct reversal, after all, would to be for you to spend the day with me instead."

That jolted Shiori right back into consciousness. It was all starting to become clear to her. Gōketsu was placing her in a situation where she could only lose. If she wanted to be with Shikamaru tomorrow, Shiori had to accept a humiliating public defeat on her first gaming night, right after claiming to be a worthy challenger to Gōketsu. But if she won, then she was honour-bound to spend a whole day in that woman's clutches with no hope of escape. She couldn't deny that the deviousness of it was exquisite.

And it was a trap. It had to be a trap. Even Gōketsu couldn't possibly want to go on a real date with another girl. Especially Gōketsu, who was so focused on stealing Shikamaru's heart.

"With that said," Gōketsu mused, "I doubt I could be of much value to you as a conversationalist…"

Damn straight. The very idea of learning what was truly on her mind made Shiori sick.

"…so perhaps we should confine ourselves to physical activity, which I have found to be as valid a way to spend a day with a person of one's interest as any other."

Shiori's heart stopped. She would never, ever tempt fate again, not even in the private confines of her mind.

"Unless, of course, you have a superior suggestion?"

Mercy! Bliss! Salvation from on high! (Actually, Gōketsu was shorter than her, being only fourteen, but right now Shiori would take whatever she could get.) Her tormentor was offering her an out! Even if it was a setup for an even deadlier trap, right now Shiori had no choice but to take it. All she had to do was un-knot her tongue so she could use it to take advantage of the opening Gōketsu had presented to her—and she was going to strike that sentence from the record and then set the record on fire.

She might never get a chance like this again. Right here, right now, she would put everything she had on the line and throw down the gauntlet in a way that allowed for no misinterpretation. She might not be able to do anything about the arranged marriage—not yet—but she could at least stymie that vixen's brazen efforts to seduce Shiori's beloved.

"If I win," she said boldly, "then you will swear never to lay hands on Shikamaru!"

Finally, Gōketsu looked completely blindsided.

"Why would I… oh, are you concerned that I may harm him during close contact? But our styles are both based around maintaining distance."

Thank goodness. She wasn't too late. Gōketsu's seduction attempts had yet to overcome Shikamaru's natural reserve, and she thought the way to do it was to mirror his low emotional engagement. A woman motivated only by cold self-interest could never understand that it was closeness that lowered people's barriers.

Even so, Shiori didn't dare underestimate her.

"I've made my decision," Shiori said resolutely, "and you will not be able to talk me out of it. I'll see you on the battlefield, Gōketsu."

"Third room on the left," Gōketsu said. "You may need to bring an extra chair."

I can forsee that Shiori is going to be a truly endless source of mirth and entertainment.

That she and Keiko are seemingly at cross purposes from her perspective (and that this hasnt changed since last we had a Shiori POV) despite being as parallel to each other as physically possible... well. No one said that Keiko was particularly bright.

-o-

It was, unfortunately, no surprise that Neji hadn't been able to make it to the gaming night. Hazō hoped he was OK, or at least being treated fairly (which, he had to admit when he thought about the Proctor HQ fiasco, were not necessarily the same thing). This was not to say, however, that the Hyūga Clan was above lobbing them other curveballs.

"My name is Hyūga Hanabi," the girl of about nine said with adult seriousness. She bowed, her hands folded humbly in front of her. "Father chose to give me Cousin Neji's invitation so that I could meet the heirs and important genin of the other clans. I am sorry for any unintended insult, and for being late.

"Can I play with you?"

"Welcome aboard, Hyūga," Hazō said. They were of more or less equal status and she was a child, but Hazō still didn't have a clear sense of how these things worked for clan ninja, so he was sticking to her family name.

"Please call me Hanabi. You are all my highly respected seniors whom I one day hope to imitate."

Wow.

"Oh, except you two." Hanabi looked at Genda and Sugiyama, Nakano's teammates. "You have to use my clan name. I'm sorry, but before I left, Father commanded me to avoid undue familiarity with the low-born."

The temperature in the room fell by several degrees.

"So," Hazō said after a second with as much false cheer as he could muster, "now that we're done with the introductions"—they weren't—"why don't I explain to you how this game is going to work…"

8yo female Hyuga Ambrose Jakis, is that you?

The murderchild has competition.

-o-

"Ha ha ha," Genda laughed, his booming voice causing the players next to him to briefly lean away. "That plate mail getting too heavy for you, Puissance? I count five new notches on my blade. Did you even kill three?"

"Four," Rock Lee retorted, "and they all died much more youthfully than yours."

"Now, boys," Sugiyama said, "this is no time for a dic"—she glanced at Hanabi—"beard-measuring contest. We need to hurry if we're going to reach the village before nightfall."

"Quite right," Akimichi said. "All that matters is that they are dead and we are rich. Or richer. We should try to be ambushed by a better class of bandit in the future."

"Fine. I collect my throwing axes and set off."

"Just a moment," Hanabi said. "Gamesmaster, is the bandit chief still alive?"

"He is," Hazō said. "You explicitly said that you were pulling your final blow."

"What?!" Genda snarled. "What're we supposed to do with a stinkin' priso—"

Hanabi calmly held up her hand. Despite the fact that she was a small child and Genda was a taijutsu fighter built like a brick outhouse, the aura of gravity around her completely shut down his objection. Hazō had to introduce this girl to Keiko and see what happened.

"In that case," Hanabi said in her high-pitched, squeaky voice, "I walk over to him and use my ceremonial kris to cut out his still-beating heart, squeeze it in a sweeping motion so that the blood forms a circle around my feet, and then consume it whole as is only proper."

Dead silence.

"Hanabi," Akimichi said tentatively, "weren't you supposed to be playing a paladin?"

"That's right. I am a massacre maiden of Lord Jashin, sworn to his service since birth and fated to drown this world in blood and darkness in His name—once we're done saving it from the Witch King, of course. I also took levels of barbarian so that I can enter a blood rage whenever my master chooses to channel His endless hunger through me."

The silence did not get any less dead.

"I've been listening to my sister's Chūnin Exam stories!" Hanabi said brightly.

PRAISE JASHIN-

Wait a minute.

How does Hinata know so much about the Jashin cult? Did Neji leak some secrets? Did Hinata find out by her self?

Was Hinata actually crushing hard on that scythe dude!?

Oh, the Jashinity.

-o-

So far, the party was a roaring success. People were mingling, Nakano's team wasn't meeting with any more overt discrimination, Rock Lee was too into a game of Civilian Burger to be Rock Lee at anyone, and everybody loved both Mum's cookies (though she'd brought fewer than he expected) and Kagome-sensei's masterwork snacks.

The pair themselves were ensconced in the apocalypse-proof armoured bunker that Kagome-sensei called his room, he having decided that he'd had enough of crowds for the night, and she having found a keen audience for her recollections of what it was like to be a mother putting a child through the Academy, and how in her opinion the place would be better off burned to the ground and rebuilt by competent people who actually cared about children and also didn't take drugs on the job.

Hazō's only complaint was how incredibly exhausting it all was. Jiraiya and Mari-sensei were upstairs and not coming down, Noburi was absent, Kagome-sensei had been of dubious help even when he was here, and Keiko, while certainly a reliable gamesmistress, had eventually bowed out to pursue her own interests (whatever that meant). Even after Hanabi went home early, citing a strict curfew, Hazō was left managing fifteen people (and a dog) on his own.

Huh.

Nakano,PersonIHaventInternalizedYet 1 + 2,

Kiba,Hinata,Shino,Kurenai, (Akamaru)

Shiori,Choji,Ino,Asuma

Lee,Tenten,Gai,Anko

I guess?

There was one thing, though, that he had to do before he collapsed in the kitchen over a revitalising mug of hot chocolate.

"Everyone, once you're done with your current game, please come through to the Greater Lounge."

The Greater Lounge, originally a specimen containment area, was the biggest room on the ground floor. The Gōketsu were low on furniture right now relative to the massive size of the compound, so on Mari-sensei's pre-breakdown advice, Hazō had provided large, colourful cushions in a variety of sizes, which gave the place a cosy, intimate feel despite its size. In accordance with the same advice, the cushions were separated into clusters, which would allow people to break up into smaller groups without having their conversations interfere with each other.

"Tonight, we are going to play Yakuza, a classic, some would say the classic party game!"

"Never heard of it," Inuzuka said.

"It used to have another name," Hazō said, "but that information is classified." The name was Mist Infiltration Group, and Jiraiya had permitted its revival only on condition of a re-theming which in no way associated ninja authority with mass voting.

"All right. First off, we need a setting. Somewhere you can have a group of civilians without any strangers turning up."

"What about a ship?" Nara suggested. "I mean if this is the part of the evening where we, um, you know, and we have to pretend to be somewhere, I think a ship would be nice. I'm sorry. I'll shut up now."

"No, no, I like it, Shiori," Akimichi said.

"Yeah, that makes sense."

"Let's go with a ship."

"A ship it is," Hazō said mournfully. "All of you are sailors on a ship carrying valuable cargo. Except five of you who are secretly yakuza. You want the cargo, but you can't handle all the real sailors, so you will be killing them off one by one every night. Then, during the day, everyone—including you—will be voting on who they think is a yakuza. Once there's a consensus, that person gets thrown overboard and you find out their role. Then it's night again and the whole thing repeats. The innocents win if they manage to throw all the yakuza overboard. The yakuza win if they outnumber the innocents… for obvious reasons. If you die, you're a ghost. You can stay awake at night, but you aren't allowed to communicate in any way.

"Oh, and remember, you're all civilians. No using any kind of ninja powers. Inuzuka, Akamaru counts as a ninja power."

"Damn."

"Now, I'm going to hand out the cards. Red means you're innocent; black means you're a yakuza. Never show anyone your card."

So far, so good.

"Now that you all know your roles, it's night-time. All players, close your eyes. Yakuza, open your eyes. Yakuza, point at the person you want to kill."

The yakuza began to point, gradually converging on a single target.

"No, choosing a newcomer first would be most unyouthful!"

Hazō facepalmed. "Hand in your cards. We're starting again."

Lee, your tact is beyond measure. It is unmeasurable. It is an unmeasurable Vitali set that cannot be assigned any reasonable notion of length in any way, besides

YOUUUUUUTH!

-o-

"Of course you're a yakuza, Kiba," Yamanaka said. "I heard you moving during the night phase. It was like a chakra behemoth barrelling through the room, only without the fine motor control."

"You so did not! Nobody can hear me when I'm being stealthy unless I let them!"

"Well," Yamanaka smirked, "I think that counts as a confession. Hope you can do the doggy paddle, Kiba, 'cause you're about to walk the plank."

-o-

"I'm completely innocent," Hyūga said sweetly. "If I was a yakuza, would I have accused Shino, who turned out to be a yakuza, last round?"

"Fair point," Akimichi said. "I take back my accusation. So who do you think it is?"

"I can't be sure," Hyūga said, "but I have this impression that Shino and Mitarashi were giving each other meaningful looks earlier. Did anyone else notice that?"

"Huh," said Sugiyama. "Now that you mention it… Yeah, I'll second that accusation."

In the background, unnoticed by any but Hazō, Aburame's ghost gazed at Hyūga and Sugiyama in mute betrayal.

-o-

"Only six left," Yamanaka said. "Come on, people, we're nearly there."

"It has to be Yuriko, right?" Hyūga asked, indicating Sugiyama. "She voted against executing Kiba at the start."

"So did Lee," Akimichi said. "I don't think it's that strange for someone to make a mistake during the first round."

"Fair enough," Hyūga said. "Not Yuriko, then. Kurenai-sensei, do you have an alibi?"

"I haven't made a single wrong vote yet," Kurenai said. "I must be the worst yakuza ever."

"You also abstained quite a lot."

"Because I wouldn't want to condemn someone without evidence. Would you, Hinata?"

Hyūga smiled. "Touché. Rock Lee?"

"I would never be so unyouthful as to kill somebody, or to keep secrets from my trusted allies."

"Same as before, I think," Kurenai said. "Lee is either a master of deception or a raving lunatic, and either way it doesn't give us any information."

"I bet it's Chōji and Hinata," Yamanaka said unexpectedly. "Chōji's spent half the game backing Hinata up on everything, and she was pretty fierce arguing for him that round he got accused."

"We can only vote on one of them," Sugiyama pointed out. "If we have to pick one, I'd say Chōji's more suspicious. Hinata's been talking constantly, while Chōji's mostly sitting back and listening. It's like he's been hiding in her shadow."

"I see what you mean," Yamanaka said. "Hinata might be a yakuza, but at least she's been giving us all plenty of opportunities to watch her body language and tone of voice and stuff for hints. Chōji's been doing the opposite. I'm convinced."

"That's two votes for Akimichi," Hazō said.

"Three votes," Hyūga said. "Sorry, Chōji, but it's you or me."

"I can't believe I didn't see it earlier," Akimichi said. "It's Hinata. She's been building up to this all along."

"Don't look at me," Yamanaka said. "As far as I'm concerned, you're both guilty as heck. But sometimes in life, a woman has to make a choice."

She looked to the remaining two. "If you think Hinata's a yakuza—which she blatantly is—then we have to execute Chōji first. Then she kills one of us, the remaining three vote for her, and Team Innocent wins. What do you say, Lee, Kurenai-sensei?"

Neither of them said anything.

The silence grew tenser and tenser until—

"I abstain," Kurenai said heavily.

"Majority vote for Akimichi," Hazō said. "Akimichi is thrown overboard and eaten by ravenous chakra sharks. Unfortunately… he was innocent. The yakuza win."

"Damn," Kurenai spat. "I knew it!"

"Wait…" Hyūga said. "Hazō, are you sure you didn't make a mistake somewhere?"

"Yeah," Sugiyama said. "There are still three innocents left."

"No," Yamanaka said, her smile slowly stretching into a cruel grin. "No, there aren't."

"What?!" Hyūga and Sugiyama screamed.

"The rules say a yakuza has to point at the person they want to kill. They don't say you have to want to kill someone."

"I didn't misremember the intro," Hyūga said in a hollow voice. "You were the fifth yakuza."

"It's terribly dangerous, being a yakuza," Yamanaka said innocently. "You never know when your own allies might give you away in order to divert attention from themselves. Or by accident, for that matter. Did you know Shino kept glancing at you two from behind his sunglasses?"

"Tell me about it," Hyūga agreed. "He had to go."

In the background, Aburame's ghost squirmed.

Heh, squirmed. Like a bug.

Ino is still best girl. Take that to the bank.

-o-

The evening was growing late, and Shiori's tension was only building. After completely obliterating her at Strategic Dominance (and then, because she was an enormous bitch, apologising for not holding back enough), Gōketsu had requested that she abide by the terms of the bet and go on a date with Shikamaru. Shiori was torn between light-headed joy and a miserable awareness that all this was part of Gōketsu's plan. Until she could figure out what that twisted fiend had in store for her, she would be stuck waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She'd considered screwing up her courage and just demanding answers, but a single glance had dissuaded her from the notion. The sheer venomous condescension in Gōketsu's every motion as she played with Tenten made Shiori realise that her earlier insincere politeness had been a form of mercy. But Tenten lived up to her reputation even with her opponent's true nature bared. Her uncompromising concentration, rarely taking her eyes off Gōketsu's face for more than a second, was a dragonslayer's blade waiting for that single perfect strike, even as she defied Gōketsu's corrosive emotional subversion with nothing but purity of intent. So this was true high-level play.

Shiori was going nowhere near it.

And speaking of dropping shoes, she'd been here for hours and she was still conscious, sane and relatively innocent. Something was very wrong.

No, on second thought, it made perfect sense. Shiori was far from the only beginner present, and with Gōketsu Keiko as one of the gaming night's organisers, it was entirely logical for her to first lure them in with innocent versions of the games and undeservedly earn their trust. That was how she operated. Once the beginners relaxed and let down their guard, it would be much easier to inveigle them into true perversion before they knew it.

So why hadn't anyone inveigled her into true perversion yet? Did they think it was fun constantly oscillating between fearful anticipation and bemused relief?

"Excuse me," she addressed Nakano. "When are we having the… you-know-what?"

"The what now?"

"You know. The, um, orgy."

Segfault.Rebooting.

Ah. I see now.

I was not sufficiently pessimistic!

Well, this is sure to be a problem.

Nakano goggled. "These gaming night things have orgies? Is that the reason the Gōketsu invited my team out of nowhere?"

"I-I don't know. It's my first time too."

"It has to be some kind of joke," Nakano said. "I know noble clans are different, but still… Hey, Aburame, is there really going to be an orgy?"

"I am unaware of any such," Shino said, "but then this is also my first gaming night. It should be an easy matter to settle, however. Why? Because Miss Mitarashi is here, and she has a… reputation which would imply detailed knowledge of such."

"G-Good point," Shiori said. "I guess I'll go ask her and let you know."

She crossed the room, carefully stepping around her… potential partners.

"M-Miss Mitarashi, is there going to be an orgy tonight?" she asked in a whisper.

Mitarashi's eyes lit up. "An orgy? Aw, hell yeah! Can't say I care for all the unripe fruit, but I reckon I'll have my hands oh so full finally teaching Kurenai to apply her skills to something useful!"

My pessimism is never sufficient, it seems.

rofl

_O

Half of Shiori was trembling with terror, while the other half was evaluating and ranking the boys based on several interrelated criteria derived from practical heuristics. If she was going to plummet into depravity, she would at least do so as a Nara.

-o-

"Hey, Ino," Kiba said anxiously. "Did you hear? There's going to be an orgy. Like, what are we supposed to do?"

Ino looked down at her feet, her face bright red. "None of the other heirs are leaving, so it would m-make the clan look bad if I was the only one, right?"

"Smart," Kiba nodded. "Sorry, Akamaru, but you heard her. Go take a walk. I love you, bro, but not in that way."

Save yourself Akamaru. Please, go get an adult. All the ones here were bought at a discount apparently.

Also, is that...

-o-

"Is this for real, Hinata?" Chōji asked. "Nobody told me anything in advance."

"Is it really such a big deal?" Hinata replied. "It's just sex. You see it all over the place."

She tapped her finger to her lips as if remembering something. "Well, I suppose you don't. You should take advantage of this opportunity to educate yourself."

"That's very… uninhibited of you."

"I really wouldn't stress over it. Look, Ino and that Shiori girl aren't going anywhere either."

"Good point. I can't be the only one letting the side down."

It is!

Shit on a christmas cracker.

It's the Bystander Effect in action!

Holy smokes Batman!

-o-

"Hey, Lee," Kiba said. "Am I the only one who thinks this is a bad idea? Like, what are you going to do if you end up paired with another dude?"

Lee spun around to face him, fire in his eyes. Kiba took an involuntary step back.

"That's hardly the issue here!" Lee exclaimed. "Nobody's been able to tell me whether orgies are youthful or not, and I'm running out of time!"

Lee pls get Gai pls Lee

Help is required.

-o-

The rest of the room did not exist for Kei. This was her long-awaited reward for an afternoon of thankless toil and madness. She gazed across the game board at Tenten, who met her eyes with an enraptured look before playing her soldier card, placing the yakuza pawn so that it completely erased Kei's grain supply. Then she "randomly" selected one of Kei's cards, stealing the last of Kei's precious grain with unerring precision and locking her in a cycle of resource starvation unless she accepted trade at ruinous rates. Kei smiled fondly at her as she sorted her remaining hand, with its excessive number of sheep, and reached for the road token that would win her the Longest Road award and demolish Tenten's expansion plan, transforming her brick and lumber cards into so much coloured paper. Nothing could distract her from this moment of bliss.

"Hey, Gōketsu, when are we going to start the orgy?"

Kei dropped her sheep.

Tenten's eyes widened into saucers and her mouth opened slightly as she stared at Kei. Her face flickered through a dozen different emotions.

It took Kei only a second to analyse the situation and draw the inevitable conclusion. "Hazō…" she growled as she stormed out of the room.

I believe I turned into an uncharitable person for a minute here before I calmed myself down with coffee.

grumble grumble Hazou's fault eh? grumble grumble

-o-

Hazō, pale and shaken from the unprovoked wrath of Keiko, still exhausted, and with a rapidly-cooling mug of hot chocolate in his hand, loudly cleared his throat. Every eye in the room turned on him.

"It seems there has somehow been a misunderstanding. Gaming nights do not, I repeat, do not feature orgies."

"Oh, hey," Mitarashi grinned. "You mean this one is a special occasion? And you thought of little old me? Good call, kid. This shindig got twice as sexy the moment I walked in the front door."

"That's not why we invited you! We weren't planning any kind of orgy to begin with!"

"Spontaneous is good too," Mitarashi allowed. "Not like I've never been struck by divine inspiration halfway through a social before."

"Divine inspiration?" The concept was more than intriguing, but Hazō quickly remembered himself. "No, that's not the point. The Gōketsu Clan does not host orgies!"

"Oh, I getcha."

Hazō relaxed.

"Noble clans are all classy and shit," Mitarashi went on. "So this is what, a debauch? An adult revel? Ooh, maybe a bacchanalia?"

"What even is—"

"But enough talk... Have at you!"

"Have at you!"

This woman needs to be committed.

Mitarashi reached up and began to pull off her top. Hazō was struck dumb by the most incredible pair of breasts he'd ever seen.

Second that: She needs to be committed.

Whatever our protagonist is going to fail to do to prevent the ensuing clusterfuck, is at least entirely justified at this moment in time.

He was snapped out of his stupor several seconds later by the realisation that Mitarashi was now working on her belt, and that other people in the room were beginning to stir. The orgy was now in progress, despite his objections, and he had time for maybe a single sentence if he wanted to stop tonight from going down in history.

Hazō took a deep breath…

QM Compel: "Open Mouth, Insert Foot".

Ah yes. Quite.

I mean:

Gasp! Who could have known!

What will he say!?

-o-

It had been, without question, the most awkward night of Ino's life. She wished she could just lock the memory away in the deepest recesses of her mind and never think of it again (there was probably clan ninjutsu for that), but she knew better than anyone how fast rumours spread. Better if Dad found out from her. At least this way she could restrain his overprotective father mode enough that he didn't go burn down the Gōketsu residence or something. It would be hard to make this situation even worse than it was, but she had faith in his ability to do so.

Of course, that meant all his anger would be turned on her instead. But surely he'd understand that she hadn't instigated anything—she'd just been in the wrong place at the wrong time, and then had to make a judgement call under pressure. Everybody made mistakes.

Ah, who was she kidding? She was grounded for life.

And what would Akane say when she heard? No, Ino wasn't even going to think about that. At least if she was forced to spend the rest of her life locked up in her room, she'd probably never find out.

About her only source of consolation was that she'd been right to be pissed off with that loser Gōketsu. For a clan heir, even an inexperienced one, he'd taken far too long to firm up, and his technique could be described as rough at best. Frankly, if he'd just been more dominant from the very start, he could have spared them all a lot of embarrassment. Not that she was blameless—if she'd only paid attention to what he was trying to do instead of getting caught up in her own imagination, she could have taken matters into her own hands and done a much better job.

Instead, when he finally stopped vacillating and took the plunge…

Ino spends too much time reading romance books. It wouldn't seem strange for her to have about 0% romantic experience with that inner monologue.

-o-

"The orgy is cancelled!" Hazō bellowed.

Errr, you what now?

Mitarashi took her hands off her belt. Everyone else stopped whatever they were doing.

"Whaaat? C'mon, Gōketsu, you can't promise and then not deliver. I'm not gonna get on your case for getting cold feet at the last second, so just sit this one out while the rest of us—"

"Mari-sensei is sick and needs her rest," Hazō said with a belated smoothness. "She won't be able to sleep if you start making noise this late."

I guess that will do the trick.

"Aw. Fine," Mitarashi pouted. "You heard him, boys and girls. Get your stuff and start heading home, all quiet-like."

She reluctantly hopped onto the ceiling (teaching Hazō some fascinating things about gravity) and retrieved her top from the light fixture. People began to breathe sighs of relief, and in some cases possibly disappointment.

IT IS YOU!

ANOTHER MASTER OF THE FLOOR IS LAVA TECHNIQUE!

AN INTENSE BATTLE OF WILLS!!

"Don't get me wrong, Gōketsu, I had a good time and all, but you still owe me an orgy. Don't think I'll forget it. Regards to Mari and the big guy."

And that was the point at which Hazō realised that he was going to be the one to explain all of this to Jiraiya.

Literally my thoughts were:

Do you think Jiraiya will be mad that we couldn't stop Anko in time...

...or mad that we tried to stop her at all?

-o-

You have earned 1 + 1 XP and 1 FP. Keiko has lost 1 FP.

All in all pretty good. +5XP because I'm still loopy, and +2OP as well.

Velorien · Oct 5, 2018

Dissonance said:
Question: why does Shiori keep thinking about euphemism stuff when interacting with Keiko?

I remember that something happened, but I don't remember what/when.

In Bonus Update: Accept no Substitutes, Keiko sent her a copy of Focused Dominance (the two-player version of Strategic Dominance) as a snarky gift after Shiori tried and failed to mess up her instance of two individuals spending a day together in order to facilitate greater mutual knowledge and familiarity, arranged in anticipation of a long-term relationship. Unfortunately, a mix-up at the games shop led to Shiori instead receiving an adult game called Forceful Domination.

This promoted Keiko from "hated rival" to "hated rival who is trying to make me sleep with her fiancé for incomprehensible twisted reasons", and was then made worse by the fact that an oblivious Shikamaru happily described how much fun he and the others had had playing the expanded version with the Gōketsu. Based on the unfortunately-phrased additional information, Shiori concluded that Keiko was a sexually deviant libertine and gaming nights were massive orgies.

Noumero · Oct 5, 2018

[x] Action Plan: A Week to Do Things v2.0

MMKII said:
Find Akatsuki's Manifesto

Kagome said they wrote one, lets check it out.

Know thy enemy, etc.

Nitpick: It's not their manifesto, it's a book a third party wrote about them. At least officially.

eaglejarl · Oct 5, 2018

I won't @ the person because I don't want to ping them to the head of the thread before they are ready, and I won't say their name because it would feel weird to mention them without pinging but, based on my "your post has been liked" alerts, there is currently someone reading the entire thread from beginning to end. Pretty fast, too -- they're about 750 pages in after a few days. Still... Wow. Catching up on a million words of updates is challenging enough, but reading 4500 pages of discussion??? I am impressed by the dedication.

TaliesinSkye said:
Thanks for the clarification

I was poking fun about the genie thing because of your joke about interpreting the wording as not sleeping. Like a genie maliciously interpreting wishes for its own personal humor in causing ironic fates for the petty mortals.

Nah, I got it. It would have been hilarious, though. And I would have felt absolutely justified; if someone is going to specify that a plan Must. Take. A. Week!!!1!1!! and then specifies how to send 100% of their time...well.

NB: Slight exaggeration of demand for dramatic and humorous effect.

(Why does autocorrect think that when I swiped "demand", what I actually meant was "deer maned"???)

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