Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
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- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard open voting
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- He/Him
I feel like the location for that one isn't quite specific enough to count but fair enough. Same can be said of the Otter scroll and maybe a few other random scrolls which we have a vague idea of the location of in the EN.
Noumero
Omit Needless Words
Maybe we can develop a "Determine Whether This Fifty-Kilometer-Radius Sphere Contains a Scroll, and Where" Rune. If it's a "... well within..."...
Honestly, I don't if we should go for it even then. But maybe.
- Location
- Europe
We can bribe high ranking civilians for info.
Can you elaborate a bit more on the idea that high-ranking civilians will have info that matters to us? Even Gaku has like 0 idea what goes on with the ninja crap, he just handles our finances etc. and the only reason he knows about the scrolls is that they get public and active use instead of being a clan secret we keep sealed away in a lore dungeon. Unless they can give us Scrolls or a jutsu at least as good as SotS in Earth element, the information isn't worth changing our plans for and is therefore useless in our current circumstance.
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I don't see the need for it right now, it's in Lightning Country (so we have to worry about both Akatsuki and Cloud Hunters), the lead isn't all that strong, and Ami isn't even with us to start learning Summoning, so it's doubtful she'd have a chance to even use it before our showdown with Akatsuki. Unless she's grabbing it as we speak
Some civilians make a living as informants specifically because ninja often overlook them. A bunch of Jiraiya's spy network worked this way. Naruto even listed a few of them for us, though I don't think we have a need for them yet.
I know and I agree, but 'that matters to us' was the operative phrase. I'm sure they can tell us about love affairs and economics and that type of bullshit I don't care about. Why would they know about S-rank jutsu or hidden Scrolls, specifically? That's the kind of info even most clan ninja don't get to have.
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They probably would know about clans in the area and local geography so the jutsu at least seems plausible, but even scroll info can come from local legends and such. Hell, it was technically a civilian informant that got us the Pangolin scroll was it not? That was part of how the team found Isan.
I expect it's a low chance for that to be repeated and even if it does, the odds of it repeating in a way such that we consider it practical to go for it seem even lower. I guess we might try it if it costs us literally nothing but exposing Mari to some slight but nonzero risk of exposure or creating traces of someone asking about Scrolls is more than no cost in my opinion.
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I agree this sounds more like a "we have no other leads" choice, and if we have no leads I'm not sure why we'd be going for it in the first place
I wonder if Mari could set up a civilian spy operation for Hidden Rain/surrounding towns though... the returns on that could be much bigger, if we could glean literally any kind of rift progress updates or Akatsuki movement. I'm not immediately sure it's a good idea but it could be something worth asking her about at least. Biggest immediate limitation that comes to mind for me is she's not going to be like, around to check on it and maintain it much.
- Location
- Europe
We talked with Gaku a lot about the Dragon war and he was even negotiating with a Toad after the Capybara were wiped out.
To get information about the previous summoner from the locals. We got the information on the pangolin scroll location from a shop keeper who studied history (who was investigating for Jiraiya).
The last summoner only vanished a few years ago, so people will still remember what was going on with him. That this will probably lead nowhere is likely, but we know nothing about him.
He seemingly wasn't staying in Hidden Cloud, which is in the south of Lightning. If they are clan ninja, we don't know.
So probably not the most dangerous place for Mari to ask questions.
In the end of the day we can pay civilians in all countries, for all kinds of information. Doesn't have to be Lightning.
Itachi mind control.
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Do you think he is genjutsu-ing every civilian in Rain? Also can you explain what you think will happen? I can't really engage with your concerns when you don't say what they are
Yeah, with that context it seems like a reasonable shot if we can do it easily enough.
- Location
- Europe
Oh, it was just a joke.
But building a spy network takes time and Akatsuki is good at it. So that idea is probably dangerous.
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It is true that this will probably take too long to pay off, unless Mari is miraculously like "Oh yeah I was doing that this whole time."....
I don't think it needs to be very dangerous though, Mari would know how to work through intermediaries so it can't really be traced back to her. But she still has to be nearby to talk to the middleman of the middleman of the middleman even using wind jutsu, so it's not 100% infallible, true. If the chance of payoff is low then there's likely not much point in even a small risk.
That being said, if there are civilians who have already been in Rain recently just for normal merchant business, she might be able to find and glean info from them...
Future Interlude (AU?): Instances of Three Individuals, Part 2
- Location
- UK
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None of the events of that fateful day could explain how it had come to this.
There were not one but two women waiting for Hazō at the Asuma Fountain.
Hazō had argued. Hazō had reasoned. Hazō had begged. Hazō had nearly lied, but for the fact that either of them could have his exact schedule for the week with minimal effort. Neither would budge on this day and this hour.
Hazō was not good at first dates. He'd been on exactly two in his life, and one had been a special case (his bond with Akane had been too big for a date to be more than symbolic, and had come long after the confession that actually mattered) and the other, with his girlfriend's best friend within an already-negotiated relationship against a headache-inducing political backdrop, was hardly representative either.
Neither experience had prepared him for a first date with his sister by the transitive property, still-undefined direct family member, serial fiancée–honestly, it might be shorter just to say "Ami" if he wanted to convey the the weirdness of it–or with his sister's identical-but-different other self currently in a fulfilling pentad with said sister, who possessed firm and unyielding killing intent for those who would date Ami and who shared the memories but not the actuality of whatever Snowflake's feelings were, but who had actually also had a crush of her own…
Hazō would have to keep a clear record of his private life for posterity because any post-Uplift historian would be laughed out of the profession if they reconstructed this out of secondary evidence.
Of course, that would all require first surviving the date.
"Hazō," Ami said, waving at him past the crowd. "I hope I didn't keep you waiting."
"Of course you did not," Snowflake said. "You arrived exactly on time, as usual. I, on the other hand, arrived an hour early, thereby mitigating any risk of delay."
"You still have much to learn," Ami agreed.
The two could not have been more sharply contrasted. Ami was wearing the exact vest and trousers prescribed for first dates in Chapter 20 of My Vision, down to the bandolier of antidote vials, the all-purpose kunai, the backup kunai, and the emergency kunai. Even the yellow rhombus badge indicating to the watching secret police that one was on a first date, and thus their partner had not yet been cleared of treasonous intent, was in place below her left shoulder. Between their current location, her well-known general outlook on life, her knowledge of exactly how treasonous he was, and the treasonous plotting they'd already participated in together, it was ironic on at least four different levels, and Hazō was sure he was missing more.
Oh, five. She was wearing blue with orange accents–the personal colours of the Mizukage who, according to her own reports, had removed My Vision from the mandatory Academy curriculum and was in the process of dismantling the rest of Yagura's legacy with the fierce support of the AMI.
The orange, as it happened, nicely matched Snowflake's season-appropriate kimono, a thing of abstract red, orange and yellow patterns evocative of autumn leaves (all very un-Kei colours, Hazō noted in passing). Unusually, Snowflake wore two yellow ribbons, worn symmetrically like hair ties, and Hazō made a note to ask Yuno about this afterwards. (He definitely didn't want to ask Snowflake herself in case the answer was either something embarrassing to her, like "true love", or something embarrassing to him, like "when will this walrus of a man finally notice my feelings?")
Hazō was ever so grateful to Mari for the fashion advice that saved him the headache of trying to match their obvious effort.
"You two both look great," he said. "No, exceptional."
Challenge the first: he had to figure out unique compliments for each of their outfits that did not, Sage forbid, make one sound an iota better than the other. He wasn't that stupid.
Or would Snowflake be displeased if he made them equal? The Kei base model balked at any attempt to draw equivalence between her unworthy self and the divinity that was Ami. But then again, last he heard, Snowflake was furious with Ami, so did that change things? Gah.
This was not a thing anyone had ever had to deal with on a first date before.
"Ami, I love the countless layers making up those clothes, and also how the lines of the visible kunai make my eyes follow your figure and skip over the weapons hidden in your vest. Yagura would hate you with a fiery passion and grudging respect."
Ami preened.
"Snowflake, I love the varied, vibrant colours of your kimono. I think they express how much aliveness and energy you have beneath that collected exterior, and at the same time that translucent shawl gives the whole thing a transient feeling that's appropriate on a more subtle level."
Snowflake blushed and looked away.
Ami looked Hazō up and down.
"You've managed to impress me right back, and I've got to tell you, that takes some doing considering my, shall we say, variety of experience. You've got guts, making that kind of statement to two sisters who aren't exactly on threesome terms right now."
"O-On what?!" Snowflake stuttered, mirroring Hazō's internal reaction.
Dammit, Mari.
"That blue hakama and white jacket combo symbolises foam on the waves," Ami explained to Snowflake, "in other words, vigorous, wet activity, in other words, expecting to bag your date before the night is over. Mist seduction specs sometimes wear it to get the sex kami to back them up when they only have one night to complete a hard seduction mission.
"In Mist, wearing it on the first date is very bold. Wearing it on the first date with two women, who happen to be sisters, one of whom can't even handle talking about sex–no offence, Snowflake–well, that's hardcore. A man shows he's got balls that big, he's either about to find himself getting closely acquainted with the nearest body of water or he's halfway to a self-fulfilling prophecy."
Snowflake was now a deep crimson to match the darkest parts of her kimono. She opened and closed her mouth, but no words came out.
Hazō decided it would be suicidal to try to bluff his way through this.
"Mari picked it for me," he confessed. "I spent ages agonising over what the best outfit would be for this before I gave up and asked her for advice, and by the second hour, she'd more or less taken over the process."
"...huh."
Ami looked Hazō up and down again.
"Well, that's interesting. I mean, on the surface, that's clearly just a message to me: take him if you can, that sort of thing. Permission, maybe even encouragement. But then you have to think about it in a social spec context. Is she saying, take him in your capacity as a seduction expert, which means no getting actually attached? Or is that an overly primitive reading? After all, there's the master-apprentice level, where the medium is part of the message and you can't communicate without a test, and also you could take it as an allusion to the personal relationship between Mari and me, and how it's evolved over time. Then when you add in Snowflake, and Mari's relationship with Snowflake, and what Mari knows I know about her relationship with Snowflake…"
Hazō tuned Ami out in favour of focusing on Mari's other victim.
"I really am sorry about that," he said. "We were overdue for an embarrassing Mari prank."
"N-Not at all," Snowflake said. "But just to be clear, are you expressing a preference for a… a…"
Hazō had honestly not considered it until this moment. This date alone was already well past what he'd expected his romantic future to look like a week ago. He'd had to keep telling himself that this was a unique opportunity: having accidentally talked Ami down from marriage to dating, all he had to do was provide direct proof that they weren't romantically compatible, and then this entire issue could finally be put to be–settled once and for all. (And if it turned out they were romantically compatible, at least he'd be walking into his doom with his eyes open.)
As for Snowflake, he was at a complete loss. Hazō had spent years unsure whether Ami felt any actual attraction for him, and those years were still going even right now, but he'd been confident that Snowflake only saw him as a good friend. Why had she kissed him? It didn't seem like a friendly greeting kiss, and so far this didn't seem like a friends-hanging-out type of date. It was so confusing. Worse, when he thought about it, he couldn't deny that while his relationship with Kei had settled into a comfortably platonic, fraternal form, the Kei base model was attractive in its own right, a lunar counterpart to Akane's sun, and Snowflake in particular–
"Only," Snowflake said, growing tense in the face of his distracted silence, "at this time, I would prefer–I mean not that I am establishing a conclusive dispreference for–which is to say the issue of context–but I by no means wish to imply that I am somehow… Hazō, do you understand what I am trying to say?"
Not remotely.
"I think we should return to this topic at a later date," Hazō said cautiously, "if circumstances are appropriate."
"So you wish for there to be a later date?" Snowflake clarified.
Gah.
Hazō looked to Ami in hopes of rescuing the conversation, which in retrospect was a crazy way of thinking.
"...but she'd be expecting me to play on a level above that…" Ami muttered to herself, counting something off on her fingers.
"I do wish to apologise about… before," Snowflake said, mercifully changing the subject. "I had previously been following a strategy co-designed with Kei, which revolved around extensive gathering of data in order to create an ideal opportunity for confession that maximised the odds of success while minimising the danger of rejection. But… in the moment, it occurred to me that Kei is not actually very good at romance, and I decided to do the exact opposite of what she would do. I… I realise now that the result was excessively forceful and one-sided, and surely so unromantic that you are here only out of pity."
"I… wouldn't say that," Hazō said. "Surprising, certainly. And I could probably have reacted better, or at all, but it's not like I was traumatised. It didn't make me think worse of you is what I'm trying to say."
Snowflake's shoulders sagged slightly in relief.
"I still cannot believe I did that. Kei literally beat her head against the wall, though not for long, since it was late and we did not wish to wake up Shikamaru.
"So…" she continued after a long pause during which Ami could be heard positing a clan-wide conspiracy, "how was it?"
Hazō cast his mind back to the urgent, untameable feel of her tongue in his mouth.
"...Good," he said, feeling himself blush. "It was good."
"I'm glad," she said with just as much awkwardness. "All those hours practising with Tenten finally paid off."
This finally snapped Ami out of her fugue.
"Seriously, Snowflake? You're on your first date, and you're going to talk about how you practised for your first kiss with him with another girl?"
"Oh," Snowflake said. "Oh. That was a… terrible faux pas, wasn't it? I am so sorry."
"Nah, not necessarily," Ami said. "It's a high-risk move, but if you can get the guy thinking about how hot it is for you to be kissing another girl, that's a critical hit. A lot of guys are into that for some reason, and once he's turned on by thoughts of you and kissing–well, you've basically won, haven't you?
"Still, it's not a beginner technique. Especially when things get poly, talking about your other partners can bring in whole layers of complexity. You don't want to pretend they're not there–especially not when we're already one big dodecahedron of incestuousness where everyone is connected to everyone else–but on a first date, try to keep things simple. Trust me."
She grinned alarmingly at Hazō. "Luckily for you, we can settle this one here and now. Hazō, are you turned on or off by the idea of Snowflake kissing another girl?"
But this wasn't Hazō's first rodeo. With Ami, it paid to be ready for questions to which there existed no safe answer.
"I'm flattered Snowflake considered me worth the practice," he said. "Also, don't you mean 'dodecagon'? A dodecahedron is a 3D shape. Believe me, the extra dimension can be decisive."
"Nope," Ami said. "I've learned a lot on my travels. My personal shipping chart currently covers three Paths and two levels of reality. Maybe two and a half. Unfortunately, Singularity made me swear never to show it to anyone for fear of the consequences.
"But enough about cosmic forces that could undo my return and maybe even the entire year that led up to it if I tick them off too badly. Where are you taking us for our date, Gōketsu Hazō?"
-o-
"There is one immortal tradition for brave couples–or, well, triples–on their first date in Leaf," Hazō began. "One place where the pure of stomach are rewarded while the unprepared receive their just desserts."
Both girls tensed.
"And we will not be going there."
Ami relaxed.
Snowflake muttered something to herself that sounded a lot like "weeks of preparation down the drain".
"The Yabai Café will have to manage without us today," Hazō said, "because we'll be doing something much more fun."
"I knew I could count on you," Ami said. "What have you got in mind?"
"The three of us," Hazō said dramatically, "will be entering a civilian cooking competition!"
Ami beamed. Snowflake, however, gave him a piercingly sanity-checker look.
"What's wrong?" Ami asked." Don't tell me you think Hazō could respect a kunoichi who can't protect the stupendously-expensive kimono that she expects to be wearing for rest of the date–maybe less if things go really well–while not only cooking but being surrounded by a bunch of clumsy civilian cooks wielding all sorts of colourful sauces?"
Oh. Oops.
"If anything," Ami said, "I think I'm the one being unfairly handicapped here. Do you not remember eating my cooking?"
Snowflake smiled sweetly. "I'm glad you recognise that you don't belong in this competition, dear sister. It would be best for you to bow out now and waste no more time. I have already proved my willingness to risk losing face for the sake of the final goal."
"Uh," Hazō said. "Actually, I did think of that issue. There is a special award for the Most Unique Dish."
"Hazō," Ami declared, "I officially love you and want you to have my babies."
"Uh…"
"Biosealing," Ami said to the unvoiced objection. "I know it's next on your list."
"If he was going to conduct that kind of research," Snowflake said, "obviously his focus would be technique hacking."
"It would?" Ami asked innocently.
"Of course," Snowflake said, "for the purposes of extending shadow clone duration to–"
She froze. "Um, I mean… what kind of category is 'Most Unique Dish' anyway? Uniqueness is binary. Either a thing is unique or it is not. I should file a complaint with the Merchant Council over deceptive advertising practices."
"Uniqueness is relative," Ami disagreed. "You are unique as an individual, but you are less unique than, say, Noburi because there's half a dozen other Snowflakes running around at any given time."
"I am not less unique than Noburi," Snowflake said heatedly, "and you are wilfully misusing terminology with malicious intent."
"Excuse me? This is perfectly ordinary pedantic intent, thank you very much."
Hazō just sighed and kept leading them to the competition site.
-o-
What do you do?
Voting closes on
- Location
- United States
Perhaps you should throw your own hat in the writing ring?
Even stuff like Sin-Shattering Hammer would be great…
Also the Otter scroll, somewhere in Wind! Earmarked for Mari and all.
Just reposting the current version of my plan, I made a couple changes in light of this post. Additions in bold, and I had to trim a bit of WC to fit them in.
Why? I feel content with the jutsu we have.
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This is the prime indicator of gloriousness
But one should be careful with words of power
What kind of ninja leaves evidence?
Ami wouldn't leave evidence
1) location: is not Mist
2) outlook: treason is just the fussypants' word for unexpected funtimes
3) exactly how treasonous he was: very
4) treasonous plotting: she was there and him, too
Alright, can we find more?
5) Hazō's implication in the events around My Vision's author's tragic demise
6) My Vision's author's tragic demise, it's no longer current
7) Ami, wearing clear messaging?
8) Ami being interested in the contents of My Vision on a level other than academic?
9) Is it even really a first date? They braided each other's hair and talked about boys
10) Not sure if that's ironic, but Snowflake receiving half of that message may or may not compound it
11 or 19-20, depending on how we view 10) Empty-ish messaging with the full awareness that Hazō (or Hazō and Snowflake) will see through its irony but still bearing the kernel of truth that ANBU is watching and that they share treasonous intent, "my irony is ironic dude" -- meta irony???
... damn. Now my numbering's out of joint. This is why I should read ahead before reacting. If the numbers aren't right, then what can be right? What can? Oh, yeah, that OT3. As you were.
Which was also a very good deal, as she bought it as "one of the unsold brown kimono in the pile" in Shikimō's Clothes Emporium, whose owner she ultimately decided not to enlighten
Is there any matching this comment? You'll have to outdo yourself to do the same to Snowflake, Hazō...
Inoue Mariko → Inoue Mari → Gōketsu Mari → Dammit Mari. I'm calling it. Sealing failures can change names, right?
Is this wise (remain sane) or unwise (be blind to the
There's the caveat that Ami can unsettle the settled matter in circles around him, but let's watch him walk into his doom thinking his eyes are open when she'll only open them for him two seconds into the grave!
Did this seem like an instance-of-friends-sorta-hanging-out-but-mostly-spending-time-together-(cont.) kind of date?
She is the most successful in this setting after Kumokōgō and mmmaybe Hidan, though. Not counting social specs, it's social hacking.
She's having fun
[X] Feel compersion
Wait, how is Ino connected-- oh, hmm. Because of the Ino-Shika-Chō quasifamilial alliance she's basically Snowflake's... sister-in-law by metaphysical expansion?
Famous Last Words Spoken To A Seduction Spec
Two levels of reality? Is this about Shadow Clone? Wait, there was something about the Mori Voice (or whatever speaks for it) being "more real"... or is she breaking the fourth wall, she might as well mightn't she... Might also simply be the Out. Crossing over to another Path implies you're crossing something.
Ah.
Ice cold. All the more surprising, since she does not share the bloodline.
Isn't this her second reference to sexual biosealing? A third would be tantamount to a confession, really.
So you've met her before!
Marry them both, Hazō. This makes it all worth it.
We just need to level it to 120, bro
then we can start choking people from the inside or whatever, idk
