Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
Does this guy's bullshit scale with the amount of available light in the area? We should uh, check up on that one.
Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
Does this guy's bullshit scale with the amount of available light in the area? We should uh, check up on that one.
Oh hey that's my rune idea! The QMs are plagiarizing my hard work!
I request sweet sweet Hazou XP as my recompense.
- Location
- Liverpool
Golly, I really hope we don't do too good of a job getting the boss's attention such that we run into the boss. Cat boss was oddly chill with us killing folks as well went through on neutral reasons. I very much doubt Leopard boss would be a well.
(I, too, am curious about the scroll. Did they steal the scroll when they left? Could we get it back to the cats to gain back a summoner, in exchange for a sweet tessera or something?)
(I, too, am curious about the scroll. Did they steal the scroll when they left? Could we get it back to the cats to gain back a summoner, in exchange for a sweet tessera or something?)
Naruto sent us out before we had time to prepare. It looks like she might be facing Hyenas in combat soon and unstag that way. Unfortunately it's largely out of our hands at this point.
- Location
- Texas
We've told her to find something to fight a couple times now. She's maybe/maybe not fighting on the Pangolin border.
If cannai thinks pangolins won't allow dogs to talk with leopards at conclave (did the dogs that were there leave already?), and isnt willing to sacrifice a dog life just to check. We could ask toads whether they think secretly ferrying message for us at the conclave would violate their "ally" status with pangolins if caught. Or maybe noburi can just do it himself for more deniability
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
We should probably remind Naruto about this... assuming that the information died with Jiraiya, it would be a useful tool for Leaf. Unknown to Leaf. Poison was always Sand's thing, anyway, and use of it wouldn't automatically out Leaf.
- Location
- United States
@Paperclipped @eaglejarl @Velorien
Can we safely assume that Akane's unusually morbid preparations for her death included creating scrolls for her combat ninjutsu such as Flame Aura?
Obviously, if she had done the same for Elemental Mastery (a low priority non-combat utility ninjutsu) she would have destroyed it when Asuma ordered her to do such, so not that one.
Similarly, classified ninjutsu like Shadow Clone, Fireball Inversion, Basan's Glide, and Pheonix Rebirth wouldn't have been written down.
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- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
I am making some version of the following a requirement for my vote during the upcoming cycle. We know that, in the past, @eaglejarl has said in the past that he's okay with trade deals being linked to separate posts to help save on word count, and this should fall into the same category.
Yuuma's grandfather is a civilian who regularly walks out into the wild to kill chakra beasts. He is a civilian, old enough to be a grandpa, and he still regularly goes out and completes what are, effectively, chakra beast extermination missions. He's a civilian, and yet he's capable of that? He's lived nearly 20x the length of the average ninja.
I want Yuuma's grandfather to train up our estate civilians, and to teach them how. It sounds like he's got some secret sauce that would be useful for our clan.
My goal is to get Yuuma's grandpa's secret sauce, teach it to our civilians, and then have some of them go out and teach it to the civilians in Fire's outlying hamlets. We know from Cannai that civilian "bards" used to exist, and that they were warriors, storytellers, teachers, and more. Unfortunately, they ceased to exist ~300 years ago. We could reintroduce the concept. Spreading Yuuma's Grandpa's special fighting sauce to the civilians out in Fire, allowing them to fight back against chakra beasts.
At the very least, it would slow humanity's downward spiral.
Yuuma's grandfather is a civilian who regularly walks out into the wild to kill chakra beasts. He is a civilian, old enough to be a grandpa, and he still regularly goes out and completes what are, effectively, chakra beast extermination missions. He's a civilian, and yet he's capable of that? He's lived nearly 20x the length of the average ninja.
I want Yuuma's grandfather to train up our estate civilians, and to teach them how. It sounds like he's got some secret sauce that would be useful for our clan.
My goal is to get Yuuma's grandpa's secret sauce, teach it to our civilians, and then have some of them go out and teach it to the civilians in Fire's outlying hamlets. We know from Cannai that civilian "bards" used to exist, and that they were warriors, storytellers, teachers, and more. Unfortunately, they ceased to exist ~300 years ago. We could reintroduce the concept. Spreading Yuuma's Grandpa's special fighting sauce to the civilians out in Fire, allowing them to fight back against chakra beasts.
At the very least, it would slow humanity's downward spiral.
- Have Noburi send Yuuma (with Jin, Haru, and Yuno as guards) to negotiate with his grandfather. We want him to train our civilians in combat for a period of 1 year. Not a demand, not an order. We wish to honorably negotiate for the price of his valuable services.
- If we're already doing any of the following, do not imply we'll cease if this deal isn't reached.
- Up to but not limited to...
- Arranging for a trade apprenticeship in Leaf, should they want to send someone to learn a specific trade
- Either through the Goketsu's various tradesmen amongst our "many hundreds" of clan civilians, or by hiring someone upon their behalf
- New tools for the entire hamlet (farming equipment, blacksmithing equipment, herbalist, and whatever else)
- Oshiro's apprentices need practice, anyway. Can place orders with them. Can even supply the iron ore.
- Better/more varied crop seeds
- Better housing to better endure winters, or supply resources to do it yourselves (balancing desire to help with respecting autonomy)
- via Mud Hut Till'nFills (mud has a good thermal mass)
- For the year's duration...
- Increased priority on Till'n'Fills for 1 year (Building Walls, Fertilizing Fields, clearing stumps/boulders, etc)
- via our clan ninja and by increasing the Till'n'Fill subsidy to this hamlet in particular
- Monthly chakra beast clearing missions by the Goketsu Clan
- We'll take care of any bandit problems you have
- Increased priority on Till'n'Fills for 1 year (Building Walls, Fertilizing Fields, clearing stumps/boulders, etc)
- (basically: name your price)
- Arranging for a trade apprenticeship in Leaf, should they want to send someone to learn a specific trade
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- Location
- Europe
When MfD players remember that Dog Clan has the Sun Element.
I am curious if he can use them behind an Air Dome or the future Force Barrier Rune.
- Location
- The Soviet Republic of Canuckistan
- Pronouns
- He/Him
The man is a civilian and we're a clan with a jutsu that literally creates sapphires from dirt. We have Mari respectfully request his services as a teacher for our civilians and the betterment of Fire at large, offering him whatever resources he feels would best enable his teaching, and we let him name his price for whatever period of time he feels would be appropriate to pass down some of his wisdom. This can be compressed to probably 25 words.
Offering the man farm tools as a Council clan is frankly insulting - that's not even a rounding error in our budget. He's not going to break the bank even if he wants a tasteful solid gold statue of himself, and we can just let whoever talks to him negotiate.
"suggest that Mari reach out to Yuuma's grandfather to train civilians. Possibly as part of the NFF"
16 words. 10 if you don't want the NFF bit.
And now it doesn't pressume to micromanage Mari on how to talk to someone.
Leaf is very well defended from chakra beasts. And the Goketsu clan compound even more so. Assuming that Yuuma's granpap is extremely good at this and can teach it, it makes more sense to try to spread that teaching to remote villages.
The infrastructure for doing this already exists, Shikamaru made it, It's called the NFF.
But if we are cramming instructions about random projects into a plan, "recommend that Chakra-donner track ninja also get trained as sealsmiths" is much higher impact at lower wordcount, and should take priority.
16 words. 10 if you don't want the NFF bit.
And now it doesn't pressume to micromanage Mari on how to talk to someone.
Leaf is very well defended from chakra beasts. And the Goketsu clan compound even more so. Assuming that Yuuma's granpap is extremely good at this and can teach it, it makes more sense to try to spread that teaching to remote villages.
The infrastructure for doing this already exists, Shikamaru made it, It's called the NFF.
But if we are cramming instructions about random projects into a plan, "recommend that Chakra-donner track ninja also get trained as sealsmiths" is much higher impact at lower wordcount, and should take priority.
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- Location
- Europe
He is just a very expierienced hunter.
Civilians being able to fight low-level chakra beasts has always been the case. Hazou and co pretended to be some civilian hunters a few times early on,
Also, while this is a purley mechanical argument from the old system:
Compared to chunnin level Hazou and Noburi:
1D10 for a civilian is pretty good, that's genin level skill.
Teaching civilians to build good traps and work better with ninja is a good idea, but even chunnin vanish against chakra beasts. Maybe increasing our actual understand of beast territories and distribution would be better. But we have Inuzuka, Aburame and Hyuuga for that.
*shrug*
Reality can often be disappointing, if I was a magic clan lord I would love to brag that my civilians are so awesome that my ninja can do more magic stuff but who knows.
This. Training civilians in better fighting is just a thing.
I am willing to do something like
- Send Yuuma + escort to ask his grandfather to come teach our civvies combat. Authorize him to offer his grandfather anything he wants in return.
Future Interlude (AU?): Instances of Three Individuals
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
"...And that turned out to be why we DO NOT GO TO BEAR," Ami concluded. "But enough about my quest to save the world; how's yours?"
Hazō leaned back on the atrium sofa as he gathered his thoughts. "Do you want the good news, the bad news, the weird good news, or the weird bad news?"
"Weird bad news, duh."
"I am now the Great Prophet of Lord Jashin," Hazō said, giving a meaningful look down at the Jashinist regalia he was wearing in Gōketsu colours (Jiraiya really had been foresighted in making red one of the main colours). "I get pilgrims visiting me all the time, which is technically allowed because of Tsunade, and I have to officiate various major blood rites. This is all quite new, so Lord Hagoromo's still in the hospital recovering from his heart attack, but I have special dispensation from Naruto, so he can suck it up."
"Ah," Ami said after a few seconds. "So the good news is…"
"Yeah," Hazō said smugly. "I killed Akatsuki. This time last year, actually."
"All on your own?"
"Well, Kagome-sensei and Kei helped during the design stage, and we did need a bunch of people to lure Akatsuki into position," Hazō admitted, "but I was the one who came up with the Thousand-Yard Slayer rune and actually built and deployed it. It was brilliant, if I do say so myself: it deals mental Stress proportional to your TYS score, so civilians and genin just get knocked out, jōnin are put out of commission for weeks or months depending on seniority, and S-rankers…"
He flicked his hands open in a "boom, squish" gesture.
"Unfortunately," he said, "nobody told me that whoever kills the Great Prophet becomes the Great Prophet. And Naruto decided that having me fulfil the minimum requirements is better than Lord Jashin being disappointed in me and picking a new psychotic killer, and probably an enemy of Leaf, to give his highest blessing."
"So that's the good news and the weird good news," Ami concluded. "And the bad news?"
"The bad news," Hazō said, "is that the expedition into the afterlife has been delayed until we figure out where Orochimaru moved the rift. Apparently, Dr Yakushi was trying to appeal to him with some exciting vivisection or other and he put a decimal point in the wrong place.
"But at least there's the weird good news. Now that I've got tons of favour from Lord Jashin for defeating an epic foe, he's been willing to help me out with another séance. Akane says the afterlife is surprisingly youthful, and she's given me permission to manage my love life as I see fit while she waits for me to rescue her."
"Has she now?" Ami purred.
"Oh, no," Hazō said. "No, no, no. I was just telling you that to inform you of the facts, not because I was implying…"
"Lah lah lah, I'm not listening to anything inconvenient," Ami said, grinning as she put her fingers in her ears. "Seems like no sooner do I get back than it's time to start plotting how to get you to marry me again, and I promised Singularity to let her help me mess with you if we ever got out of the Bearutoverse alive. Oh, I can't wait."
"But Ami," Hazō pleaded, "we're family now. Doesn't that mean you can give the marriage thing a rest?"
Ami took her fingers out of her ears. "Excuse me, Mister My Stepsister Is My One True Love? No, Hazō, this is where it all begins."
"But why are we even skipping to marriage?" Hazō asked. "I mean, if you're taking this even slightly seriously, which I'm actually more confused about than I used to be, it's not like you even know if we're romantically compatible. Shouldn't we at least be going on instances of two individuals spending a day together in order to facilitate greater mutual knowledge and familiarity, arranged in anticipation of a potential long-term relationship or something?"
Hazō heard what was coming out of his mouth just a split second too late.
"Deal," Ami agreed with the speed of a chakra alligator snapping a genin out of mid-air. "I haven't got the Hokage to unseal my old quarters yet, and I haven't given you the specs to build my new room, so I'll be taking messages at the Nara compound to negotiate place and time. Now, gotta run. Dresses! Makeup! Concealed weapons! It's been so long since I went on a date with someone who existed!"
"Ami, wait, no–"
But the protest was purely symbolic. In persistently ignoring Mari's pleading to train his reflexes, Hazō had guaranteed that he wouldn't be able to catch a jōnin trying to escape before the facts caught up with her.
Worse, Kei was at the Nara compound. Had Hazō really survived the Battle of Sanity Sundered only to perish here?
-o-
Kei's chopsticks clattered onto the table.
"Kindly repeat that, dear sister."
"And then he said that rushing into marriage was a bad idea and suggested dating first," Ami said cheerfully. "Well, technically he was talking about instances of two individuals spending a day together in order to facilitate greater mutual knowledge and familiarity, arranged in anticipation of a potential long-term relationship, but we all know what that means these days."
"I loathe linguistic drift," Kei muttered. "It is the bane of the aspiring author–which, to be clear, I am not and speak only in the abstract."
She put her hands together in a hand seal.
"Kei?" Shikamaru exclaimed with alarm. "I appreciate that this may be traumatic news, and far be it from me to interfere in a family matter, but I humbly request that you refrain from attempting to murder your sister with ninjutsu over the dining table–at least until after dessert."
"Shikamaru, have some sense. We are having carrot cake. But no, I am merely obeying a contingency. Shadow Clone Technique!"
Snowflake took only a few seconds to orient herself before fixing the entirety of her attention on Ami.
"Are you serious?" she demanded.
Ami gave a sweet smile. "Serious enough."
"You realise that this means war."
"War?" Ami repeated. "I don't believe Snow Country has ever tried to conquer anyone. Not that there's anything wrong with an isolationist foreign policy. In fact, it's probably the right call when you have no military to speak of and already know you'll just be repelled at the border. Now why don't you do the sensible thing and sit down with us for carrot cake?"
Snowflake wavered for all of three seconds. Then she stormed out, hands already reaching for the pink ribbon of triumph against all the odds.
Behind her, Ami gave Kei a wink. Shikamaru sighed, while Kei buried her head in her hands.
-o-
It was dinnertime at the Gōketsu compound. Hazō had just finished saying Jashinist grace over the meal, and a perky Yuno had fetched everyone their peppermint tea. Kagome-sensei maintained that keeping any more Jashinist observance than they had to was pants-on-head crazy, but Kei had reluctantly pointed out that if Lord Jashin ever decided that Hazō was an unworthy spiritual leader, he would not only transfer the blessing to someone else, but in all likelihood immediately order them to murder their apostate predecessor. A Lord Jashin who had an active desire for Hazō's death and would keep sending new Great Prophets until one succeeded was a very different beast to the Lord Jashin who gave Hidan his powers and demanded bloodshed, but otherwise stayed neutral in human affairs. Fortunately, Naruto agreed that keeping a sort-of loyal Leaf ninja in the job was worth it to reliably prevent a second Hidan, even at the price of blasphemy.
That was why Hazō was busy sipping his peppermint tea (which had actually become much more pleasant over the last few months) when Snowflake strode into the dining room, the doors behind her flapping with the force of her entry.
"Snowflake!" Hazō exclaimed. "Good to see you. I had no idea you'd–"
The rest of the greeting was cut off as Snowflake reached him and, with the same relentless momentum, pulled him upright by his collar.
"Snowflake?!"
"Dear Hazō," Snowflake said in an even, formal tone. Then she kissed him.
Hazō's mind steadily went white with static, his heart beating ever faster as the kiss kept going. He should do something. Push her away? Reach out for her? Kiss her back? What was his tongue supposed to be doing right now? Maybe he should forget it all and just–
Snowflake pulled away abruptly.
"I await your response."
A beat.
"Yours, Snowflake."
Then, before Hazō could remember how to speak, she was gone.
The dining room was perfectly silent. Not a word. Not a motion. It took several seconds before Hazō remembered to do the obvious.
"Dispel!"
But the Dispelling Technique never saved him when it really counted. Not from Yuno's wide, shocked eyes. Not from Noburi's grin. Not from Mari's cat(?)-that-got-the-cream smile. Not from Kagome-sensei's stare of appalled, commiseratory horror.
And not from the velvet-soft, sweet nectar-like feeling on his lips.
-o-
Voting is closed unless @eaglejarl reopens it.
- Location
- Europe
Let's not forget that this is inside Kei's mind, that we can now analyze.
Well someone thinks she is hot shit and can just seduce Goketsu Hazou, Emperor Consort of the Arachnid Clan.
(Unmarried man on the Human Path, Enma's ex-husband)
Hazou's marriage life is pretty wild.
No, we did ourselves dirty.
- Location
- Europa, Jupiter Orbit
Wow. Uhm... Find something to say! Find something to say!
Joking aside, superbly fun Interlude/Omake thingie. Also, what do we put in the plan to test the development of the Thousand-Yard Slayer, given that TYS scores and such are presumably not things that Hazō has an IC concept of?
Should be "So that's the good news and the weird bad news,"
Joking aside, superbly fun Interlude/Omake thingie. Also, what do we put in the plan to test the development of the Thousand-Yard Slayer, given that TYS scores and such are presumably not things that Hazō has an IC concept of?
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
I regret to point out that the prompt is "Kei dreaming", meaning anything goes.
Edit:
Deliberate. Ami and Hazō disagree on whether his new status is good news or bad news.
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Eisenhelm
gran dutch of douchery
- Location
- Colombia
>hazou: "lord jashin, why do you give me your thoughest battles? i implore your assistance in this troubled time"
>jashin: "don't lose hope my child, given that they are tecnically your sisters there are certain artifacts that can be of use in these situations, here, you can thank me later.
- Location
- Europa, Jupiter Orbit
I'm pretty sure that marriage status isn't transferable like that. Though I guess calling him Enma's ex-brother-husband is fair.
Because if Enma were our ex-husband that would make both Kagome and Orochimaru our (and each others) current husbands. On the Human Path.
The terminology is generally co-[spouse], so for Enma, Hazou, Kagome, Asuma, and Orochimaru all having been briefly married to the same woman, they would be ex-co-husbands to each other.