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Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

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Oneiros said:
So I just realized that the new rules that you have to pay extra chakra every hour will basically keep our pangolin military engineer from ever actually making any fortifications or structures. So know she is basically useless outside of a check on our work
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Noburi + donors. Problem solved. :>

MadScientist said:
Cue the next scroll we find being for a clan that's super concerned about the growing lupchanz menace.
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Funny you should mention that....
 
So I was watching the Lego Batman Movie yesterday and have one thing to say:



Barbara Gordon for Hokage!

She's like the perfect MfD player. Her 4 point plan for fixing Gotham is shown above, imagine what she could do for Konoha.

Also the Lego Batman Movie is a crack fic, in movie form. It's wonderful.
 
Jello_Raptor said:
So I was watching the Lego Batman Movie yesterday and have one thing to say:



Barbara Gordon for Hokage!

She's like the perfect MfD player. Her 4 point plan for fixing Gotham is shown above, imagine what she could do for Konoha.

Also the Lego Batman Movie is a crack fic, in movie form. It's wonderful.
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So how do we bomb people with statistics?
 
This is my first omake and I dont have a lot of experience writing , so feel free to te me if I did something horribly wrong .
Village Hidden in Space
​
Himawari goketsu was laying in the grass looking at the bright point in the sky that was her ancestor's home 200 years ago, wondering how did they manage to survive
living in a planet where any self replicating sealing failure could gain momentum without anybody noticing and kill everyone.
Heck ,they didn't even have the kangome protocol for sealing research back then, and they also had to deal with chakra beasts and lupchanz.

She was in a circular garden full of grass , trees and other plants , surrounded by an airdome that , along with other seal and multiple contingency measures ( some of witch didn't even rely on chakra), protected her from the vacuum of space and the harmful radiation the sun.

Maybe she should ask one of them ,like for example her great-grandfather Naruto, about that.

She also couldn't understand why some of them wanted to someday return there , having practically unlimited chakra for seals instead of the relatively small amounts
that her body and the small ecosystem of her house provided was tempting, but not really worth it.

Well at least its not a lupchanz infested hellhole anymore, there is too munch radiation for that.She though after a while.

Her opinion was't very popular with her classmates , who thought that the pre-Hazō era was awesome ,
(mainly because of all fiction set at that time) and didn't like her reminding them of the horrible parts of it
like all the diseases, not everyone having ninja levels of chakra , aging .....

Wait , classmates , that reminds me, I haven't finished my homework. Remembering all the work she had to do Himawary stood up and went to the center of the garden,
where she went down some stairs that led her to a tiny chamber with doors on the walls and multiple sealshwiches in different positions.
She activated one of them and the apparent gravity in the room started to rotate until she was walking in what before was the ceiling,
and after going up a few stairs she reached the other side.

This side wasn't currently facing the sun, so it was illuminated by artificial lights that changed their tone and appearance during the day.
he rest of the city was visible from
there , composed of thousands of boxes and disks of various sizes ,all made of fertile soil ,rocks and various metals(mined from nearby asteroids) and fixed in place with respect to the center of the city,
. All of it was connected by bridges that could be separated in case of a serious sealing failure(hopefully after evacuating the residents , but that wasn't always the case).

She entered the house, which occupied most of that side of her disk , and went directly to her room.

Her room was a mess, so Himawari added making a clone to clean it to a mental list of things to do before the next time her parents came visit .

She turned on the light with a bit of chacra adhesion on the switch and did the same to turn on her sealputer(another of the thousands things Hazō had invented before his mysterious disappearance) .

But instead of working she decided to first enter the internet and check just for a moment Enough Acceleration .
There she played marked for the grave ,a quest thread where the players controlled a hivemind of engineers and writers in a world where chakra didn't exist and people instead controlled
the power of electricity,based on a famous shounen anime called Elon.
"Screaming in faflec" wrote Himawari after someone proposed an specialy crazy idea of making a electricity based vehicle called car that would reach insane speeds , pointing out
that it worked in canon, before the other players reminded him that baseline humans weren't durable enough to survive an impact at those speeds , so the thing would be horribly unsafe.

"Well apart from that , here is my plan for the thanksgiving episode."she started to write "First we have to ensure that the parts of the hivemind that live in US have the optimal amount of relaxation and family interactions"......
 
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FieryStarVictory said:
This is my first omake and I dont have a lot of experience writing , so feel free to te me if I did something horribly wrong .
Village Hidden in Space
​
Himawari goketsu was laying in the grass looking at the bright point in the sky that was her ancestor's home 200 years ago, wondering how did they manage to survive
living in a planet where any self replicating sealing failure could gain momentum without anybody noticing and kill everyone.
Heck ,they didn't even have the kangome protocol for sealing research back then, and they also had to deal with chakra beasts and lupchanz.

She was in a circular garden full of grass , threes and other plants , surrounded by an airdome that , along with other seal and multiple contingency measures ( some of witch didn't even rely on chakra),
protected her from the vacuum of space and the harmful radiation the sun.

Maybe she should ask one of them ,like for example her great-grandfather Naruto, about that.

She also couldn't understand why some of them wanted to someday return there ,although having practically unlimited chakra for seals instead of the relatively small amounts
that her body and the small ecosystem of her house provided was tempting, but not really worth it.

Well at least its not a lupchanz infested hellhole anymore, there is too munch radiation for that.She though after a while.

Her opinion was't very popular with her classmates , who thought that the pre-Hazō era was awesome ,
(mainly because of all fiction set at that time) and didn't like her reminding them of the horrible parts of it
like all the diseases, not everyone having ninja levels of chakra , aging .....

Wait , classmates , that reminds me, I haven't finished my homework. Remembering all the work she had to do Himawary stood up and went to the center of the garden,
where she went down some stairs that led her to a tiny chamber with doors on the walls and multiple sealshwiches in different positions.
She activated one of them and the apparent gravity in the room started to rotate until she was walking in what before was the ceiling,
and after going up a few stairs she reached the other side.

This side wasn't currently facing the sun, so it was illuminated by artificial lights that changed their tone and appearance during the day, the rest of the city was visible from
there , composed of thousands of boxes and disks of various sizes ,all made of fertile soil ,rocks and various metals(mined from nearby asteroids) and fixed in place with respect to the center of the city,
. All of it was connected by bridges that could be separated in case of a serious sealing failure(hopefully after evacuating the residents , but that wasn't always the case).

She entered the house, which occupied most of that side of her disk , and went directly to her room.

Her room was a mess, so Himawari added making a clone to clean it to a mental list of things to do before the next time her parents came visit .

She turned on the light with a bit of chacra adhesion on the switch and did the same to turn on her sealputer(another of the thousands things Hazō had invented before his mysterious disappearance) .

But instead of working she decided to first enter the internet and check just for a moment enough acceleration .
There she played marked for the grave ,a quest thread where the players controlled a hivemind of engineers and writers in a world where chakra dint exist and people instead controlled
the power of electricity,based on a famous shounen anime called Elon.
"Screaming in faflec" wrote Himawari after someone proposed an specialy crazy idea of making a electricity based vehicle called car , that would reach insane speeds , pointing out
that it worked in canon, before the other players reminded him that baseline humans weren't durable enough to survive an impact at those speeds , so the things would be horribly unsafe.

"Well apart from that , here is my plan for the thanksgiving episode."she started to write "First we have to ensure that the parts of the hivemind that live in US have the optimal amount of relaxation and family interactions"......
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Thanks for that. It's imaginative and it's clear you've tried to think through how the setting would work.

I think the main thing to do when trying to write a good omake is to figure out in advance what your objective is. Are you trying to make people laugh? Explore the implications of an idea? Show something familiar from an unusual angle? Looking at this omake, I think that's the main area of improvement I could suggest. I'm guessing your subject here is "A day in the life of ninja in the distant future", but within that subject, you should try to figure out what's most important to you, so that you can focus on conveying that thing as well as you can. Is it the contrast between the old world and the new world? Is it how a space station would work using MfDverse technology? Is it how the people of the future would feel looking back on the past? And so on. Right now, it feels like you have a lot of separate ideas relating to "the future" and you're trying to put them all in at once. That lack of cohesion results in a much weaker story than if you'd picked one theme and used the omake to explore it in depth.

I also think you should proofread more carefully. You have a lot of typos and occasional missing words, as well as grammar errors.

Other than that, good job. We can always do with more omake.
 
Velorien said:
Thanks for that. It's imaginative and it's clear you've tried to think through how the setting would work.

I think the main thing to do when trying to write a good omake is to figure out in advance what your objective is. Are you trying to make people laugh? Explore the implications of an idea? Show something familiar from an unusual angle? Looking at this omake, I think that's the main area of improvement I could suggest. I'm guessing your subject here is "A day in the life of ninja in the distant future", but within that subject, you should try to figure out what's most important to you, so that you can focus on conveying that thing as well as you can. Is it the contrast between the old world and the new world? Is it how a space station would work using MfDverse technology? Is it how the people of the future would feel looking back on the past? And so on. Right now, it feels like you have a lot of separate ideas relating to "the future" and you're trying to put them all in at once. That lack of cohesion results in a much weaker story than if you'd picked one theme and used the omake to explore it in depth.

I also think you should proofread more carefully. You have a lot of typos and occasional missing words, as well as grammar errors.

Other than that, good job. We can always do with more omake.
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Thanks for the advice, I'll try to do it better next time.And I will probably edit the typos and gramatical errors later if I have time.
 
Voting is closed.

@Velorien and I have been doing rules revision all day, forgot to close voting.
Adhoc vote count started by eaglejarl on Nov 25, 2017 at 1:59 PM, finished with 75283 posts and 14 votes.
  • 26
    [X] Team Training with Pangolin
    [X] Keiko's Pangolin Combat Experiences
    [X] The Mystery of Mari's Eyes
    [X] The rest of the world reacts to Clan Goketsu's formation
    [X] The Fire Daimyo's cat learns about Lupchanzen.
    [X] Hiashi's immediate reaction to being told that Skywalkers requires saying "Pretty Pink Pony no Jutsu" to activate.
    [X] The origin of the Minori Conspiracy
    [x] Neji's immediate reaction to finding out Noburi is now Jiraiya's son
    [X] The late third hokage thoughts on Jiraya's marriage.
    [X] Itachi testing new genjutsus.
    [X] Sasukes reaction to a Kurosawa becoming the son of Jiraiya.
    [X] Orochimaru preparing a wedding present.
    [X] Tobi being a good boy (?)
    [X] Jiraya's thoughts on marriage.
    [X] Sakura and inner Sakura talking about our team.
    [x] (Omake?) Akatsuki's reaction to "Nagato, Konan, and Yahiko" getting invitations to Jiraiya's wedding
    [X] Kisame playing catch with Samehada.
    [x] team uplift vs Team Gai
    [X] Naruto's reaction to his new siblings and Jiraiya's upcoming marriage.
    [X] Important information on the clans from Mist/Stone/Cloud.
    [X] Kagome,Mari,Auntie and Neira have a nice cup of tea and cake together.
    [x] Team Goketsu finds out Mari impregnated Jiraiya
    [x] Mari finds out Jiraiya is pregnant.
    [x] Mari finds out she is pregnant.
    [x] Tsunade vs. Mari vs. Hana drinking contest.
    [X] Name your daughter Minori
    [X] A MfD Thanksgiving
    [X] Kagome goes shopping for spices
    [X] Keiko is suddenly reverse summoned to attend a party.
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Man I'm so conflicted about wanting to break the system in half our just give it a seal of approval to get back to the plot
 
I had a thought on how you could handle (some) fighting styles @eaglejarl @Velorien @OliWhail:

Having a fighting style gives bonus XP (whether based on total-XP or XP-used-on-the-skill-in-question) toward the linked skill while it is active/able to be used. Could be useful for Akane/Rock Lee/Maito Gai in particular to represent their extreme focus in Taijutsu.

e: Thoughts for Noburi's fighting style:
  • Water Whip/Ninjutsu + Medical Ninjutsu. Numb nerves?
  • Water Whip/Ninjutsu + Vampiric Dew. Drain and strike.
  • Water Whip/Ninjutsu + Vampiric Dew. Copy the Hyuuga.
  • Water Whip + Hozuki's Mantle. Octopus style.
 
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Cariyaga said:
I had a thought on how you could handle (some) fighting styles @eaglejarl @Velorien @OliWhail:

Having a fighting style gives bonus XP (whether based on total-XP or XP-used-on-the-skill-in-question) toward the linked skill while it is active/able to be used. Could be useful for Akane/Rock Lee/Maito Gai in particular to represent their extreme focus in Taijutsu.

e: Thoughts for Noburi's fighting style:
  • Water Whip/Ninjutsu + Medical Ninjutsu. Numb nerves?
  • Water Whip/Ninjutsu + Vampiric Dew. Drain and strike.
  • Water Whip/Ninjutsu + Vampiric Dew. Copy the Hyuuga.
  • Water Whip + Hozuki's Mantle. Octopus style.
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First option seems the best. Heal people at range, kill people at range, all the best stuff.
 
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