Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

"What fresh horrors have you come to inflict upon me, Hazō, ye bringer of underspecified queries and demander of under-researched speculations?"

"Yes, yes, all right," Hazō said with a grin. "You know I wouldn't have asked if I didn't think you could do it."

Kei rolled her eyes. "Your flattery, while as subtle as a Pantsā dropped from skywalker height, is not unsatisfying, but I believe my needs have been met for one night. What is on your mind?"

"I've been writing up a new set of lists," Hazō began.

He gave a pause for the mandatory groan, which Kei duly provided.

"We don't know what's coming," he said, "except that it's going to be rough, so somebody has to make sure we're all on top of our training schedules. Kei, ever since we went missing–in fact, a bit before–you've been back in your Team Uplift support role, and that means you haven't been exercising your leadership skills."

"What leadership skills?"

"Oh, please," Hazō said. "You've been half in charge of the Nara and at least a third in charge of the KEI, and as far as I can tell, both organisations are in good shape, not on fire, and successfully adapting to the various challenges these crazy recent years have been throwing at us. In fact, by some secondary metrics like treason count, you're a better leader than I am."

"I am closing that particular gap apace," Kei noted. "But supposing I do in fact possess leadership skills, why is my lack of practice relevant out here in the wilderness? If you are about to suggest that I take command of Team Uplift while you focus on research, then rest assured I will not hesitate to collect my girlfriends and depart for Snow Country while you enjoy your sojourn in the Southern Isles."

"Snow Country?" Hazō asked, aghast. The team had been to Snow Country once, briefly, to escape Zabuza. It was an experience so miserable it drove Mari to near depression.

"A beautiful haven of endless swathes of snow and silence," Kei confirmed. "If I am ever to retire from the shinobi profession, a delusional notion given my projected life expectancy, an isolated mountain in the depths of Snow would be a prominent candidate."

"And your girlfriends have given this plan the go-ahead, have they?" Hazō asked.

"...So what is the relevance of my leadership skills to our situation?"

"Ninja skill development is synergistic, you know that," Hazō said. "Much as I'd love to dive headfirst into sealing and never train anything else again, if I don't have at least one other area in which I'm growing and discovering different kinds of insight and experience, I'll find myself in a mental rut and stagnating before I know it. Maybe it's not obvious to you, but from monitoring your training, I can tell that the social skills you've been developing from your consort and coordinator work have had a big impact on your overall growth. The lists don't lie."

"Hazō, please reassure me that you are not implying that I have accidentally become some kind of social specialist. Reality itself would surely shatter around us the instant it realised the depth of paradox it had thoughtlessly permitted."

"Don't look at me," Hazō said, "I just work here."

"Fine." Kei gave a deep, put-upon sigh. "Assuming for argument's sake that I place my faith in your lists even as they proclaim the impossible, how do you propose I address the issue, bearing in mind that I have not retracted my threat with regard to Snow?"

"Pangolins," Hazō said simply.

"Pangolins are not a solution to anything, Hazō," Kei objected. "They are a problem. With the possible exception of Pandā, whose innocent charm is captivating even despite the morass of indoctrination through which he wades."

"Doesn't that make them ideal for leadership training?" Hazō asked.

"I did not mean my team specifically," Kei said. "We have had time to develop an acceptable understanding of each other's needs and boundaries. For all its endless and crippling flaws, the Pangolin military system does at least inculcate respect for the importance of harmony and hierarchy within the unit. Granted, I am still labouring to convince Panjandrum to respect my dietary needs and not add various gradations of pangolin pepper to my meals in order to gradually acclimatise me to a 'healthy' level of spice, but I do not feel this to be an arduous challenge on the level of resolving workplace personality clashes between fanatics or motivating a pure-blood Nara to work in the morning."

"I guess that's good," Hazō said, "except insofar as it's bad. In that case, why don't you challenge yourself by contracting some jōnin-level pangolins? That gets you negotiation practice, hopefully some disruptive elements that you'll need to find ways to integrate into your existing team dynamic, plus successfully wrangling veteran soldiers who think that you're just a slip of a girl and they know better than you about everything should be enough to level up your social skills a dozen times over. Or, you know, drive you homicidally insane, but that's always a risk with gaining experience as a ninja."

"Do we possess the resources?" Kei asked. "It has not escaped my notice that we are deep into the kami-forsaken wilds, severed from Gōketsu wealth, the thriving trading networks of civilisation, and, worst of all, opportunities to replenish our dwindling hot chocolate supply."

"We'll find the resources," Hazō reassured her. "And to the extent that we can't, well, securing the loyalty of a demanding target from a position of material disadvantage sounds like exactly the kind of challenge we're looking for."

"I wish Ami were here," Kei said. "She would have no difficulty identifying whatever flaw in your plan is causing me to feel such intense misgivings."

"Me too," Hazō said. "But since she isn't, and your misgivings are probably just you accurately assessing how much of a pain this is going to be, are you in or not?"

"Perhaps I am not the one who needs negotiation practice most," Kei muttered. "Very well. Stubborn soldiers and obdurate officers await. Please seal my stew while it is hot if I do not return for dinner."

"I'll even leave out the pangolin peppers," Hazō promised.


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