- Location
- United States
Hearing you say that reminds me of this joke:
WARRIOR: I swear I will have revenge for the death of my brother.
ELF: You have my bow.
DWARF: And my axe.
NECROMANCER: And your brother.
Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
WARRIOR: I swear I will have revenge for the death of my brother.
ELF: You have my bow.
DWARF: And my axe.
NECROMANCER: And your brother.
- Location
- Europe
So Ami isn't going to reveal FOOM to anyone. At least this has been cleared.
Mist brought 3 S-ranks and 15 jonin to kill/capture Naruto. Assuming that was just to be absolutly sure, that's still our whole military.
And even if we kill Han and Roshi, Asuma might simple ignore the reforming beast to not lose more manpower.
So my suggetion is that we do need allies for this, Sand/Mist/Isan or someone new. One for us and one for them?
- Location
- Fifth Dimension
She has no connection/trust with Hazou. She hasn't gone through the trenches with him. If push comes to shove, she likely doesn't prioritize him at all. And as long as that's true...
Also earning trust is tough. They have to prove themselves multiple times. To even be in consideration.
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
Definitely not Isan. They're still unproven as allies. Mist is a Gordian Knot of politics right now, but we have some minor leverage via Hana and Ami (even if that leverage is ever-decreasing). Sand needs Leaf grain to survive, and is sending Leaf what aid they can, and is "at least one generation away from being able to seriously call itself a world power." Perhaps a Jinchuuriki could help them along, while also binding them closer to Leaf? It'd be a show of appreciation, too. "Great friends, great rewards" and all that.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Imo there's a much bigger reason Ami wouldn't share FOOM. I just made a joke about it but it's true. Ideologically, we ARE some of her closest allies, and us (especially Kei) being stronger relative to the rest of the world is something she would want.
Noumero
Omit Needless Words
They're operating under a significantly different understanding of the world, and have different priorities. The risks would be worth it for them, on an entirely rational basis.
To us, FOOM is a path to literal apotheosis. We plan to ride the feedback loop until we've achieved godlike power via some Sealing/TH combination, and then not only take over the world, but rewrite it entirely into our image. We believe this is possible because of some combination of SSA, pseudo-metagaming (Hazou receives ideas from us, and we have more clever ideas than the near-medieval civilization of the EN), and actual metagaming (Hazou is the protagonist, and that still counts for something). At least I would be fine, in principle, with letting Leaf entire burn, if we're still alive and FOOMing by the end of it.
That's not how Asuma and the Nara would look at it. To them, FOOM would be merely a means of making supersoldiers — which is entirely sensible in-character! After all, Oro or Jiraiya weren't the second coming of the Sage, and even Pain — an outlier among outliers among outliers — failed in this. They'd have little reason to expect the FOOMed ninja to be any more powerful. As such, they wouldn't approach FOOM with the idea that if only they could hold out for a few years and raise a few people to S-rank, Leaf would win everything forever. No, they will simply aim to maximize Leaf's expected future geopolitical power.
Leaf's geopolitical power would become zero if it's destroyed at any point. It's already in a bad position now, and that position might grow worse by the end of this war. Five-year timelines might well feel too long, so Asuma might use FOOM for short-term gains instead: for turning promising chuunin and spec-jounin into jounin, for turning jounin into elite jounin, etc. It would make Scenario 3 inevitable, yes, but if the alternative is Leaf being destroyed, that's a no-brainer.
Same logic for the other scenarios. If Leaf is ever credibly geopolitically threatened, it will have no choice but act in a way that reveals FOOM.
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FOOM is, as others have said, useless on the timescale of a ninja war. It breaks even after a year and is good after 2. By then Leaf will be saved or not, sharing FOOM isn't going to change anything. If we can make it a year, we can likely make it five.
- Location
- Europe
Why would we block Ruri if she asked us to include her? Ruri was a clanless jonin, making Ruri stronger might also mean an end to Pangolin slavery, that's something Kei wants.
That's my whole point, Ami can include other people, if you think that's a bad idea you need to make sure that Ami see's it that way.
Yeah, but if enough of them die now than we can reward them and a single beast isn't a huge threat.
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
I'd argue against the second half of that point. Jinchuuriki are a Big Deal.
Noumero
Omit Needless Words
It's useless for this war, yes. But is there any way to make it useful for the next war? If yes, how should Leaf use it to make it useful for that? Depends on how soon the next war is, which practically means "how soon the Nara and Asuma expect the next war to be in their worst-case scenarios", and I'd expect it's pretty soon.
- Location
- The Void
- Pronouns
- She/Her
Yeah not on team give out tailed beast to other villages without getting a ton of long term leverage. It worked out incredibly poorly long term for the first Hokage.
I actually think Mist is who we want to work with. We want to bind them closer to us in the long term so what we do is seal one of the tailed beast we capture in Hazou have him marry back into the Kurosawa. Mist gains a ton of power and we set up merging the two villages in a generation when Naruto is the Hokage and Hazou is the Mizukage
- Location
- Europe
I doubt most fresh ones are. But that means not giving them to Sand/Mist either.
So we are back at square one and doing it alone?
ok. [x] @Oneiros .
- Location
- Italy
Well, the Holy Grail is, IMHO, "Be the one that is going to Seal the Tailed Beasts". It's actually possible if we have some time and SSA. But between the time needed for the Oro vs Cloud operation, making sure Cloud won't interefere, the Summoning Army assault and the reforming and organizing the assault on the tailed beasts...it's maybe possible, difficult, but possible.
Any Yamanaka Resolve Boost Jutsu would greatly help with that.
- Location
- America
I can't wait for the looks Hazou will get when he explains he needs to marry his Aunt for world peace.
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
The village system has been around for about 70 years and has had 4 World Wars in that time (including the current one, which even though it's in-progress can be seen as marking the end of an era of peace). Even accounting for the length of the Second World War, a decade of peace sounds like a pretty reasonable expectation after a world war. Granted there's no guarantee it'll happen again this time, and Akatsuki could throw the whole thing out of balance, but there seems to be pretty strong precedent for periods of peace long enough to accomplish FOOM properly.
Personally I've started to consider everything from the USoUD onwards as part of WWIV, because even though it wasn't obvious that things would break out into full-scale war it all stacked up like dominoes. By the time we joined Leaf there had already been a prolonged period of peace and Hiruzen seemed to believe war with Mist was on the horizon even without skywalkers. All the geopolitical instability of the quest, the way Rock attacked Leaf so soon after Nagi Island, it's no coincidence, not the base rate of war, just the increasingly-fragile peace falling apart one block at a time.
I'd need that lore update on war research to make high-confidence statements, and even then Akatsuki is a wild card, but five years of peace after WWIV ends, enough time to FOOM up new super soldiers, sounds quite plausible from where I'm standing.
Noumero
Omit Needless Words
Mm-hm, I broadly agree. To rephrase: I'm not sure the current conflict with Rock and Cloud would resolve decisively enough to mark the end of the current overarching on-and-off war; rather, it might end up as just another "skirmish" in it. There might be a few battles, even large-scale ones, then a period of peace, just as there were after BotG and the Collapse and Rock's initial expansion, but with the expectation that it'll boil up again in a few months/years.
Edit: In fact: I'm not sure how the Second World War looked, but it might've looked like this. And if so, this should also incentivize shorter-term FOOM usage.
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Interlude: Childhood's End
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Interlude: Childhood's End
Yuno's birthday was a complicated affair for the Gōketsu Clan for multiple reasons, and not just the fact that all the "clan elders" were still feeling aftershocks of bloodcurdling terror. First, the Isanese didn't do birthdays; it was just another weird barbarian tradition which Yuno pretended she understood, but which didn't hold any emotional resonance for her. Second, Yuno was not a happy Yuno. The revelation that she'd joined a clan that sacrificed its less valuable members for more valuable ones had plenty of emotional resonance. She'd said very little to anyone since hearing what happened, and nothing to Mari or Hazō.
Noburi's own feelings were complicated. Everything had worked out all right, and in the end that trumped everything. Mari had made a hard choice in an awful situation, and had paid a price, and would, he suspected, pay a lot more in the traditional Mari currency of beating herself up. At the same time, he couldn't help feeling little flashes of irrational rage every time he imagined Kei being taken away to be tortured by a monster because Mari had put Hazō first. Guilt, too, and frustration. Why had Mari not chosen him instead? Yes, Kei had political support blah blah blah, but Noburi was the lynchpin to Leaf's military strategy. To the Hokage and the village at large, he was worth way more than his weight in gold. Was he not important enough, even now? Was he still not good enough?
Or was it something worse? He'd paid extra attention to Mari ever since she came back from Isan not quite herself, of course he had, and to the rift with Kei which he was in no way qualified to do anything about. The mistress of infiltration who could memorise a dozen people's names, appearances, and mannerisms in the blink of an eye should not have been having more trouble than Kagome when it came to the Keiko-Kei conversion. Also, while he couldn't swear to it, he was pretty sure that in Mari's more unguarded moments he'd caught a subtle undercurrent of anger when she used the name. If Mari's decision to sacrifice Kei instead of him (or instead of a better option) had been even 1% determined by a grudge, that was a thing Noburi could never forgive. It was lucky that he'd probably never know.
No, forget Mari, who'd put herself on the line to make it all work out in the end. Where had Noburi been, obliviously playing games while around the corner, his best friend and brother was being crushed into submission, one of the most precious people in the world was being lined up for murder, and the woman who'd kidnapped him from a life of mediocrity and into a life of infinite possibilities was being psychically ripped to pieces? Maybe she'd been right to overlook him. Who cared about besieging fortresses when he couldn't even protect his own family?
Even in the aftermath, all Noburi could do was sit at home and look after Mari while Hazō and the geniuses went off to save the day with brilliant political manoeuvres he wasn't cleared to know about.
But not the point. Noburi would bounce back. He always did. It was Yuno that mattered right now. Yuno had been promised that the Gōketsu weren't like any other clan. They were a family and a team, united by a determination to do better than the society around them, and not to stop looking until they found better solutions to humanity's problems than the ones that society had settled for. As far as she was concerned, that promise had been broken. Like the Kannagi, the Gōketsu hadn't hesitated to sacrifice a lesser clanswoman for the sake of the clan as a whole. There was no point arguing that they'd done the best they could in a difficult situation—the Gōketsu had promised to be smarter, not just kinder, and if they descended to the Kannagi's level out of incompetence rather than immorality, that would hardly make her feel much better.
The Gōketsu throwing away the life of Yuno's holy of holies was bad enough. But in Yuno's mind, she didn't have even a sliver of the Pangolin Summoner's pragmatic value, because in this blind pre-Uplift world, chakra powers and political standing mattered so much more than straight-up being a good person. How long before it was Yuno who got the short end of the stick, because that was what clan-Yuno relationships were like?
Obviously, Noburi wouldn't let this stand. He couldn't rebuild Yuno's trust in the clan overnight. Even as her husband, who'd be damned if he let anyone hurt her just because the clan had no better ideas, there was only so much he could do to help her start feeling safe among the Gōketsu again. Luckily, in addition to being her husband, he was also Gōketsu Noburi, the clan's master of support, and he'd started laying groundwork for this very day months ago.
-o-
As far as Hazō was concerned, Noburi had outdone himself. It had been a horrible shock to learn, in the throes of planning Yuno's birthday party, that Yuno did not do birthdays, did not see the point of birthdays, and would in all likelihood look down on anyone who had taken so little care to learn about her as to try celebrating her birthday. Indeed, he had a feeling she'd somehow got wind of the plans already, because she'd been acting distant towards him ever since yesterday.
That was the moment that Noburi, the hero they didn't deserve, had swooped in and saved the day by changing the event to something almost the same but tremendously more meaningful: the coming-of-age ceremony that Yuno had never received.
It got better. Noburi had somehow managed to extract all the key details of the ceremony from Yuno without her knowing, had quietly custom-ordered copies of various religious implements (which, now Hazō thought of it, accounted for certain bizarre rumours about the clan's sexual preferences), and had planned out the whole thing down to who would play what role (although there'd been some last-minute adjustments after Yuno had made it clear that Mari Was Not Invited). Hazō's own contribution, and he was moved by the fact that past-Noburi had trusted him to be in Asuma's good books at the right time rather than teetering on the edge of the killbox, was to burn some capital to buy special Hokage dispensation for "a dramatic recreation for the purposes of cultural exchange", or more precisely a blatantly pagan ritual that would give Hagoromo Ritsuo conniptions. Since they were inviting Yuno's friends(!), there was no way of escaping rumours that would further trash the Gōketsu's religious reputation, but for some reason Noburi was adamant that Yuno shouldn't spend the event locked into interacting with just her clansmen.
They had set the stage and run through last-minute rehearsals while Yuno was in the Chamber of the Honeybee undergoing ritual purification (an extensive process she was engaged in even now), and Hazō was finally in position to take a breather while Akane confirmed that the kami invocation sigils on the ground were drying properly and Noburi helped Kagome-sensei put on his outfit the right way up.
It was then that Kei approached, garbed in ominous red priest robes—having the Pangolin Summoner officiate was apparently holy enough to cancel out the fact that the tools and actors were about as authentic as Kagome-sensei's Classic Don't-Ask-What's-In-It Stew made with recognisable animal meat. She was trailed by three unfamiliar figures: a slender girl with shoulder-length brown hair and a blank expression, an older woman in Inuzuka formalwear with a vivid diagonal scar across her cheek and a Cantelope-sized dog by her side, and a boy Hazō's age with sticky-up red hair and a wide, sparkling smile.
"For reasons best known to herself," Kei said drily, "Yuno delegated the social interaction element of preparations to yours truly. Please allow me to introduce Fujisawa Miyuki, Inuzuka Raika and Yatsuzakimaru, and Kichi Gai."
For reasons Hazō couldn't guess at, Kichi gave Kei a wink, at which she gave a bone-freezing glare he completely ignored.
The Inuzuka stepped up to Hazō first. "Inuzuka Raika, Lord Gōketsu."
Yatsuzakimaru gave a friendly woof. Hazō did some quick maths and realised that with that age gap (adult Inuzuka dogs were huge), Inuzuka must have lost her original partner, and not that long ago. It was said to be like losing a particularly beloved sibling.
"I was on close terms with Captain Kakashi," she said in a husky voice. "I would be very interested in learning what it's been like for you as his heir, if you have the time."
"My condolences," Hazō said. "It would be my pleasure—maybe you could find me during the feast? For now, I'd appreciate it if you made your way over to Akane"—he gestured—"so she can fit you with the basic minimum of ceremonial decorations."
"Of course, Lord Gōketsu."
Inuzuka began to head off. Yatsuzakimaru delayed, apparently more interested in sniffing Hazō all over, but she gave a low growl, and he turned to follow her with a reluctant whine.
Fujisawa bowed to Hazō next, but did not speak. Instead, she reached into a thigh holster and pulled out, of all things, a pocket notebook. She quickly flipped it to the back page.
My name is Fujisawa Miyuki. I am pleased to meet you. [a small doodle of a person bowing] I am unable to speak. Please do not ask about this. In every other way, I am an ordinary ninja. Thank you for your understanding. [a small doodle of a hand making the Seal of Reconciliation]
She flicked back to the front, where another readied message awaited. It is nice to meet you, Lord Gōketsu. I have heard many interesting things about you. [a whole series of doodles, including a figure with pointy teeth half its body in length holding a sword with a hole in it, a figure running vertically up a cloud, an explosion, a happy dog, and a figure in the Hokage hat with steam coming out of its ears] Thank you for being kind to Yuno. I appreciate it very much.
"Addendum," Kei said in a disinterested voice, "Yuno wishes you to be aware that Fujisawa is the heir of the Falling Star Style, extraordinarily gifted, and Leaf's finest axe-wielder after herself."
Fujisawa's expression remained blank, but there was already a yatate writing set in her hand, and a brush flickering across a new page. This is an exaggeration. Leaf just doesn't have that many axe-wielders. After a second's pause, she added, That said, the Falling Star Style is Leaf's strongest axe style. That means it is probably the world's strongest axe style, but please don't tell Yuno I said that, and a doodle of an axe hovering in mid-air with rays of light shining off it.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Fujisawa," Hazō said, giving her a broad smile that hadn't seemed right when talking to Inuzuka. "I hope you enjoy the ceremony."
As Fujisawa followed Inuzuka towards Akane and the Tent of Three Colours, there was an almighty crash from the direction of the banquet tables.
Kei facepalmed. "Fractal, no! I told them we did not need 'adorable clumsiness' as an experimental trait!"
With that, she ran off, leaving Kichi blinking in confusion.
After a second, he gave a casual shrug and turned back to Hazō.
Hazō: Empathy 11 - 6 = 5
Kichi Gai: [Hazō can't tell if this is Rapport or Deceit] ? + ? = ?
Kichi Gai: [Hazō can't tell if this is Rapport or Deceit] ? + ? = ?
"It's great to meet you, Lord Gōketsu," Kichi Gai said with a beaming smile nearly worthy of his namesake. "I love what you've done with the place. The whole granite thing? Very modern. My name's Kichi Gai—I mean, you just heard that, but any good thing is worth saying twice."
"It's good to meet you too, Kichi," Hazō said. "So I take it you know Kei as well?"
"Kei? Oh, you mean Lady Nara. Sure do." Kichi's smile narrowed a little, but that just meant it returned to what Hazō considered the normal spectrum. "I work with her sister on the Final Gift Programme as Chief Procurement Officer. Nothing like not getting kidnapped and vivisected to motivate you to give back to the community, am I right?"
"Tell me about it," Hazō muttered.
"Sorry, didn't catch that."
"I said, what does a Chief Procurement Officer do?"
"Oh, it's not as big a deal as it sounds," Kichi said with a dismissive swipe of his hand. "Sometimes you get a ninja who could really benefit from signing up for the Programme, but they're afraid of pain—and who can blame them?—or they have religious compunctions or what have you, and they just need a bit of guidance to encourage them to take that last step."
Hazō felt a chill go down his spine. "And… Ami's OK with that?"
"When she first found out I was doing it, I thought she was going to kill me," Kichi said airily. "But then we had a major shortfall one month, and Dr Yakushi turned up and warned us that Orochimaru was losing interest in the arrangement, and she saw the light pretty quick. There's no greater virtue in a leader than flexibility, am I right?"
"I-I think you'd better go get your costume sorted," Hazō said weakly. "Wouldn't want to delay the ceremony."
"You got it, boss."
Kichi gave him another quick bow and sauntered off after the other guests, leaving Hazō staring at his back.
-o-
Having finished chewing out Fractal, Kei eventually returned to Hazō.
"Hazō, I believe there is one more thing of which you should be aware earlier rather than later."
"Oh?"
"The Hokage summoned Shikamaru earlier this morning."
"What did he say?" Hazō asked. And if it was about the Orochimaru incident, why only Shikamaru?
"He began by congratulating him on successfully navigating a challenging crisis without collateral damage," Kei said. "However, he went on to note that while citing obscure Leaf laws, or intending to invoke them, is not in itself illegal, blackmail most certainly is. He reaffirmed his promise to prioritise the spirit of the law with regard to this incident, but also stated that, should Shikamaru ever use this particular matter as a means of leverage again, he could expect to meet the same fate as Amori Goemon."
"Why," Hazō asked, "what happened to Amori Goemon?"
"When I asked Shikamaru," Kei replied, "he said only that I had already suffered through a traumatic enough couple of days. Naturally, I checked the records, but no shinobi of that name has ever existed as far as Leaf is concerned—not that Leaf recordkeeping is anything more than an embarrassment to any well-structured mind."
"Well," Hazō said quietly, "that's nice and terrifying."
Then he brightened. "Oh, but speaking of recordkeeping! Kei, there's actually a chart I wanted to show you."
The chart was a masterwork, the fruit of hours of focused labour after he'd decided to use the night productively in lieu of Orochimaru nightmares. Disappointingly, Kei took it with the same banal reluctance she displayed with most of his lists or diagrams. Well, she would soon learn better.
Yes, after only a few seconds of study, her world-weary expression was replaced by the stunned, wide-eyed stare of a newly-graduated genin facing his first chakra marmoset.
"Hazō," she said slowly, "what is this?"
"Can't you tell from the list of names?" Hazō asked. "It's a shipping chart. There's a key in the top right."
Kei stared at it for a few seconds longer. "Please tell me you are not serious."
"As a ninjutsu malfunction," Hazō said. "It was going to be even more detailed, but I ran out of colours."
"Why would you create such a thing, Hazō?" Kei asked, a note of pleading in her voice. "And having created it, why would you show it to me?"
"Honestly," Hazō said, "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Kei put her hand to her forehead. "Hazō, I am ever so grateful that you showed this to me before anyone else, especially anyone in a position of authority. While you are correct in assuming that the state of the war is severely interfering with our usual import routes, we cannot reroute naval traffic through Haran Bay. With Cloud having entered the war, we cannot simply assume that Hot Springs will remain neutral, or, for that matter, that Cloud is not monitoring approaches to it in anticipation of exactly this workaround. Your proposed detour through Degarashi Port, meanwhile, ignores the practicalities of foodstuff spoilage. As for Wave, if we can reliably get a messenger to Wave, we can reliably get a messenger to Mist, at which point we will in any case have assistance in expelling Cloud and restoring shipping to normal. I realise you are seeking new ways to be useful to the Hokage, but please trust that the Logistics Corps, much of it Nara or Nara-trained, has such mundane problems well in hand. This attempt would only have cost you respect from professionals unimpressed by ultracrepidation."
Hazō could do nothing but nod in contrition and return to carrying out Noburi's winning plan.
-o-
"…and thus does Ui's blessing descend on the conscientious."
Hazō suppressed his thousandth yawn as he watched the opening rites with Akane from their appointed place in the Tent of the Ocelot. As any former student of the Mist Academy of the Ninja Arts knew, there were few greater sources of suffering than having to listen to hours of religious instruction while pretending at all times to be attentive, alert, loyal future ninja. This was just as bad, only it was also being delivered in rhythmic monotone by a girl notable for her low-affect speech, and was more soporific than anything Tsunade could concoct with a full alchemy lab. Of course, it was even worse for Kei, who'd had to memorise this gibberish from Yuno's personal holy texts, and who was now having to recite it in fake Isanese lorekeeper robes—in other words, while dressed as an Inoue for the entire ceremony.
Fortunately, Hazō's own suffering was now over. The interesting part was about to begin.
"Next," Noburi said from his seat on a tree branch just outside the ritual space, "the Watcher raises his mirror to show that it does not reflect any of the Old Gods, and the ceremony may proceed."
They'd had trouble figuring out what to do about Asuma's sole stipulation, which was that there had to be an element to the ceremony that made it screamingly obvious that the whole thing was fake and not a challenge to the spiritual monopoly of the Will of Fire. Snowflake's solution had been inspired: they'd appointed Noburi the narrator, who would guide the audience through the bizarre goings-on in front of them, and also conveniently make sure that everybody involved in the ceremony itself was able to stay on track.
"I said," Noburi repeated more loudly, "the Watcher raises his mirror to show that it does not reflect any of the Old Gods."
The Watcher, naturally, was Kagome-sensei. His duty was to stand there for the entire ceremony and watch for incursions by the Old Gods, for which purpose he held the Mirror of No Reflection in one hand and the Bell of Panic in the other. The outfit was completed by a long, weirdly cuboid fake grey beard (mandatory) and by the Vestments of Injunction, elaborate black robes with countless designs traced on them in red ink: a sword through a figure of eight, a circle binding an equilateral triangle, a spiky eight-pointed star, a series of concentric circles with four commas around the rim… Hazō had been salivating at the prospect of Forbidden Lore until Yuno admitted she didn't know what most of them represented.
"Bwuh?!" Kagome-sensei snapped into wakefulness and thrust the mirror in front of him as if batting away an incoming sky squid. "The, uh, elder seals still hold!"
"Now," Noburi went on, "the Maiden Beneath the Stars brings forth the Thrice-Bound Cage containing the Chicken of Innocence."
Noburi had unilaterally declared that, as the one by nature most suited to repetitive manual labour, his clan head would be the one to spend hours weaving the Thrice-Bound Cage, a complex, irregularly-shaped wickerwork construction that had to be crafted completely underwater so that its eldritch powers wouldn't escape before they were sealed in during the final step (and that had ended up recording a variety of movements like nothing Hazō had ever made into the Iron Nerve). Happily, Noburi hadn't realised that this would leave him with the worst part, which was painting a live and angry chicken.
The Maiden Beneath the Stars, a.k.a. Snowflake, swathed in layers of white cloth with a dangling red obi that made her look like a Sagemas present waiting to be unwrapped, proffered the fruit of Hazō's labours to Yuno, together with the silver Implement of Oracular Exsanguination (which looked like a spoon and a fork had been caught in multiple sealing failures together, and which Kei was planning to donate to T&I afterwards as thanks for their stellar customer service). The Thrice-Bound Cage quivered alarmingly, but Yuno kept a solid hold on it.
"The Youth frees the Chicken of Innocence from the Thrice-Bound Cage, and beseeches it for guidance on her future path."
In a swift, violent series of movements, Yuno slid the lid off the cage, pulled the striped green-and-purple Chicken of Innocence out by its neck, and stabbed it viciously with the Implement of Oracular Exsanguination, before casting it away so the initial spurt of blood wouldn't get on her yellow kimono.
Everyone watched in silence as the Chicken of Innocence ran to and fro, bleeding heavily, until its panicked energy ran out and it collapsed in the far corner of the ritual space.
"The Priestess has observed the dance of the Chicken of Innocence, and uses it to divine the future."
Kei, of course, didn't know the first thing about Isanese immaculate poultry augury, but as Akio's Chosen, her authority in religious matters was immutable, and her intuition beyond reproach (as far as Yuno was concerned, murdering the High Priest was not a punishable crime and therefore Elder Takahashi's verdict could go hang).
"With Ui's endless vision in my eyes and Ui's deep conviction in my kidneys," Kei proclaimed with a completely straight face, "I declare that the Chicken of Innocence promises Gōketsu Yuno a life of passion and joy. She shall slay many foes, know true love, bear many healthy children"—she glanced at a squirming Noburi as if to say yes, this was revenge for the Inoue robes—"and die bathed in the blood of her enemies in defence of her family and her village."
"Now," Noburi declared, at extra volume as if to distract attention from his crimson face, "the Youth must face the Four Banes."
Akane Red Spider Lily, Akane Freesia, Akane Tiger Lily, and Akane Sakura lined up between Yuno and the priestess's podium, each dressed in her namesake's colour and standing in the angular, coat rack-like Stance of Temptation. After carefully placing the Implement of Oracular Exsanguination in the Thrice-Bound Cage and closing the lid, Yuno stepped in front of Akane Red Spider Lily, on the left end of the row.
"The Bane of Dependence."
Akane Spider Lily shimmied forward, arms open to embrace Yuno.
Hazō forced himself not to flinch as Yuno struck her down with a single blow, making her disappear. Yuno took a step to the right, in front of Akane Freesia.
"The Bane of Irresponsibility."
Akane Freesia shimmied forward, offering Yuno a brightly-painted doll.
Yuno struck her down with a single blow, making her disappear. She took a step to the right, in front of Akane Tiger Lily.
"The Bane of Rebelliousness."
Akane Tiger Lily shimmied forward, offering Yuno a crochet hook.
Yuno struck her down with a single blow, making her disappear. She took a step to the right, in front of Akane Sakura.
"The Bane of Childish Dreams."
Finally, Akane Sakura shimmied forward, offering Yuno a scroll with a child's drawing.
Yuno struck her down with a single blow, making her disappear. Then, she straightened her fingers and made the Sign of the Stone Coffin (which was not to be made against a living person on pain of blood feud) over the leftover props.
"Having proved that her spirit is worthy, the Youth must face her final challenge: a battle with her master."
Kei tossed Yuno a simple wooden stick, not an Implement of anything.
Hazō tensed, because with the little time they'd had to rehearse, there was every possibility this wouldn't work at all. However, after a few seconds, Satsuko, the only possible candidate for the title, rose into the air in front of Yuno as if by her own power. Yuno gasped.
Hazō could see Kei and all the Snowflakes frowning in concentration as they strove to keep their Zephyr's Reaches coordinated.
Satsuko wobbled uncertainly towards Yuno, more like a drunk student trying to prove she was totally sober by walking in a straight line (legend said that Hoshigaki Rin had actually broken into Old Lizardbreath's stash and lived to tell the tale) than like an attacking evil-looking black axe with special grooves for the blood. Yuno raised her stick defensively.
"First, the Youth proves her resolve in the face of her weakness."
Satsuko careened downward, powered solely by gravity, and Yuno deflected her with a simple sideways sweep. Satsuko collapsed to the ground, then rose again after a brief delay, this time a little more steadily.
"However, the Youth's weakness is too great."
On the second chop, Yuno raised her stick to block, and Satsuko cut it in half. Yuno stepped aside at the last second.
"Finally, the master slays the Youth's weakness."
Satsuko rose a third time, nearly fell to the ground again, but eventually got as high as Yuno's chest. She fell aggressively at Yuno, turned to strike with the flat of the blade.
Yuno staggered at the impact, pain written across her face, but, crucially, stayed on her feet.
This time, when Satsuko fell to the ground, it was Yuno who picked her up.
"The Youth has earned her adulthood weapon. Only one thing remains."
Akane stepped out from the Tent of the Ocelot. Taking position behind Yuno, and well away from Satsuko (not for ritual reasons, just common sense), she gently undid and took off Yuno's yellow kimono. Beneath, Yuno was wearing the simple green trousers and jacket of the Gōketsu.
"The clan consort"—standing in for Yuno's mother—"strips off the Binding Garment of Youth."
Hazō made a note to tease Akane about this later, but right now it was also his cue.
"The clan head dresses the Youth in the Empowering Garment of Adulthood."
Stepping out of the Tent of the Ocelot, Hazō walked forward in the slow, stately fashion of a paternal figure on Serious Business, pausing every third step so that the ghost of Yuno's father, whom he was representing, didn't fall behind. Taking Akane's place behind Yuno, he helped her into a red Gōketsu haori adorned with the clan crest.
"Gōketsu Yuno," Kei intoned. "With this, you are an adult and a full-fledged shinobi in the eyes of Ui Isas, your clan, and your village. Serve faithfully, and may Ui guide you in the footsteps of the Chicken of Innocence until your destiny is fulfilled."
"And so," Noburi concluded with a grin you could see from the moon, "the coming-of-age ceremony is complete. You can cheer now."
Hazō was the first to obey (maybe a little too loudly, given he was standing right next to Yuno, but it was the thought that counted), but only by a second.
"Hell yeah!"
"Congratulations, Yuno!"
"Welcome back to the joys and horrors of adulthood from which you were granted such a brief reprieve!"
Inuzuka smiled proudly, arms crossed, while Yatsuzakimaru barked incessantly. Kichi hollered congratulation after congratulation. Fujisawa looked like she was watching paint dry, but was also holding up a notebook page which could barely contain an enormous exclamation mark.
Before Hazō knew it, Noburi was holding Yuno in his arms, and Hazō might have been the only person close enough to see that she was crying.
-o-
Despite Fractal's best efforts to be true to her assigned self (and Hazō found it noteworthy that the girl with the hexagonal hairpin was still present and not dispelled), the tables in the Chamber of Responsible Jubilation were still covered with a cornucopia of food, from a wide selection of Leaf favourites, to ominous-looking attempts at traditional Isanese cuisine (hopefully, the civilian chefs had taken Yuno's feedback from her last two parties on board, and there wouldn't be another Unpeeled Hedgehog Incident), to...
"How long has Leaf had a traditional Mist-style seafood restaurant with authentic ingredients, and why was I not informed?!"
"Since Ami," Noburi said, sliding a sausage into the wobbling stack of food on his plate as if playing a reverse game of Tower of Inescapable Doom. "And that's 'traditional Eastern-style cuisine', if you don't want to kill their business after it's already been royally screwed by the Cloud invasion."
"Noburi, have Gaku start making the arrangements. I'm going to marry that woman."
Noburi gave Hazō the look the clan heads had given Asuma when he ordered the annihilation of Rock. He opened his mouth several times, as if trying to pick a response, and finally settled on, "Bro, you know that Kei is right over there?"
"Fine," Hazō said, "I'll buy her a lifetime supply of Frost-style shaved ice or something."
Noburi added another sausage to his stack, which teetered alarmingly.
"Actually," he said, "speaking of narrowly-averted disaster, you know how I went down to the hospital last night to thank Tsunade for saving all our asses?"
Hazō nodded. "I don't like the start of that sentence."
"You'll like this even less," Noburi promised. "Apparently, she's just got round to collating the reports from the Battle of the Five Clans, and all those summoners who were feeling sick afterwards but didn't say anything because you don't make jōnin by being able to show weakness and it was probably just a sign that they weren't exercising their chakra coils enough anyway? Same symptoms."
"And you're about to tell me that it's not because they weren't exercising their chakra coils enough," Hazō guessed.
"Nope. Water poisoning."
"What?" Hazō demanded. "But it's water! Pure water, the least poisonous thing in this Sage-blessed world! And besides, if drinking your chakra water was bad, everyone in Team Uplift would be with the ancestors ten times over by now."
Noburi sighed and put his plate down. "Don't yell at me, yell at the world's greatest doctor. No, actually, do yell at me, because this is all my fault. I bet you anything, the second a Wakahisa hits chūnin, they get told about this weakness of the Vampiric Dew that they didn't need to know about before because their reserves weren't big enough anyway. I was so proud of myself for figuring out that other Bloodline Limit ability that I'm not going to mention in public because I'm not an idiot, but I didn't even think of something so simple. Of course if it was that easy, every Wakahisa in the field would be followed about by a gaggle of genin at a safe distance. Ugh."
"But—but wait!" Hazō exclaimed, reaching out to grab at the future as it slipped through his fingers. "The body absorbs chakra faster than it absorbs water, right? Couldn't you just keep vomiting up the chakra water before it could poison you?"
"I asked Tsunade the same thing," Noburi said. "After she was done giving me her 'Have you ever unfurled a medicine scroll in your life, boy?' look, she said if you vomit over and over, your stomach juices will rip up your throat and just generally do all kinds of awful stuff I won't repeat.
"Long and short, we're lucky the Battle of Five Clans was such an overwhelming curbstomp that they got the summoning done early—probably thanks to Orochimaru taking down the gate, much as I hate to admit it. The Hokage's going to be hopping mad when he hears we nearly hospitalised most of Leaf's summoners in one fell swoop. Hopefully, the fact that Tsunade knew the plan and didn't catch it either will make things easier on us—though, again, as a Wakahisa, I should've known better. Ugh."
"Ugh," Hazō agreed. He sincerely hoped the Summoner Army proposal he'd recently sent Asuma hadn't included his musings about having the Hokage drink all the chakra water they could make.
-o-
The afterparty was over. Kei was finally free from people. Whether it was Yuno's tearful thanks for the second-best day of her life, or Akane bizarrely being even more bouncy after acting as an agent of anti-Youth, or Kichi attempting to make advances in the full knowledge that she was gay and married and not looking and completely immune to his dubious charm, or Fujisawa sticking to her like glue after finding out that Kei was more comfortable around speech-impaired people than around the incessantly-blabbering masses… enough was enough.
Mercifully, Fractal, Moonlight, and the "newborn" Horizon (who had been assigned a sense of awe at the majesty of creation, and had yet to decide whether her entire existence was one cruel joke) were doing a sterling job maintaining a perimeter around Kei, preventing the three guests from attempting to socialise with her directly as they all walked back to Leaf, and leaving only her and Snowflake in a bubble of companionable silence.
Would that such relative bliss had lasted longer, as the absolute last person Kei wanted to see in the world (who wasn't a literal snake) suddenly barred her way.
"Kei, Snowflake," Mari began, shivering in her winter coat even though the temperature was barely below zero, "can we talk?"
Kei and Snowflake exchanged glances.
With an unspoken understanding, the other three sisters carried on ahead, screening the scene from the guests as they went.
"Mari," Kei said coldly.
"I want to apologise," Mari said. "I had no choice, but what I did to you was still unconscionable."
"You have already apologised," Kei said. "You may consider your social obligations expended and return home."
"Kei," Mari said, "even if you doubt that I'm sincere, please don't doubt that I'm worried about our family. This rift between us has dragged in Yuno, and that means sooner or later it'll drag in Noburi, and if things get any worse, I'm scared that it'll split our family right down the middle. I've seen it happen before—I've made it happen before—and as soon as people start feeling they have no choice but to take sides, it all escalates, and people start saying things that can't be taken back."
"What would you have me do?" Kei asked. "Lie to them? Pretend that I am still capable of trusting you? I, whose social skills put the most gregarious sea turtle to shame, could not maintain such a deception for a minute in the face of those who know me best."
She closed her eyes. There was nothing she could say here. Nothing she could do. Even her anger, the life-giving anger that propelled her forward when everything else about her failed, and exacted no price she was not used to paying, refused to stir to life.
"Was there seriously no other solution?" Snowflake demanded in her place. "Did Gōketsu Mari, the virtuoso of manipulation whom even she once looked up to as a superior, really have to resort to human sacrifice to distract a spoiled, self-obsessed manchild from a toy he only mildly wanted?"
"You weren't there," Mari said. "I could see the sand pouring out of the hourglass. I thought we'd won—I'd pushed myself to the limit to make sure we won—and then he started to turn around and think about whether he wanted Hazō after all, and with every second, the odds of Hazō getting out alive dropped like a rock. I did my honest best under pressure, and frankly, it's a miracle that I outraced Orochimaru's thought process at all."
Kei soaked this in. Words finally came.
"It was not a certainty, then? You offered Orochimaru our lives not to save Hazō, but as a form of risk mitigation? Your objective was only to distract Orochimaru, not specifically to divert him from a prize within arm's reach, and for that you gave him our lives?"
"I did everything I could," Mari insisted. "I took the path with the highest odds of survival for everyone, each time, even when that meant deliberately calling his anger down on myself."
"I can appreciate the reasoning behind your actions," Kei said. Of course she could. A Mori was not permitted to turn away from the facts, had she but the wherewithal to recognise them in the first place. "I can appreciate why, once our lives instantly sprang to mind as a convenient sacrificial piece, you weighed the odds and found it the optimal way to proceed. Certainly, it is a fact that I hold by far the most political influence of those in the clan, however richly undeserved. An enemy pointed at me will find it far more difficult to act than one pointed at Hazō, with his few allies and mercurial relationship with the Powers That Be. Let us be clear that a lack of intelligence on your part is not among my grievances.
"With that in mind, Mari, do but one thing for me. Look me in the eye and tell me that if another such situation should arise, where a grave danger to the Gōketsu—or merely the Gōketsu clan head—can be offset by sacrificing me and trusting in my superior protections, you will choose my well-being over the good of the clan."
Mari hesitated, only for an instant, but after what she had done, any hesitation was enough.
"No? Then I am but your tool, bereft of my own agency and at the mercy of your personal risk assessment. I do not deny your skill at navigating crises, Mari—indeed I envy it—but I hope you understand why I will never be able to trust you again."
"I understand why my life means nothing to you," Snowflake spoke up as Kei fell silent. "It's a shallow, weightless life, and ours is a shallow, weightless bond. But Kei is supposed to mean the world to you!" Snowflake's hands clenched into fists. "All she wants, all she ever wanted, was for you to love her for who she was—not a tool, not a way to be a good person, not a jigsaw piece to fit into your picture of your perfect world, but her, this precious, fragile individual. You could not even do that. 'Team Mum' couldn't see her needs if seeing them meant having to face herself for real.
"What have you done about it, Mari? How far have you gone to fix what you broke, you, who aren't locked in by the Sage-damned Frozen Skein or by the mind of a girl who doesn't understand people or how they work? You are not perfect—I understand that, and I have no idea of your true capabilities because I am stuck seeing you through a borrowed prism of adoration—but you had one job. Did you have to do this? Could you not have stepped in Orochimaru's path yourself? Could you not have tempted him with Truth Lost in the Fog, a unique, extraordinary bribe that would probably not require anyone to be dissected? Could you not have drawn his attention by asking him about his research, or the Basement, or Jiraiya, or Akatsuki, or whatever? Yes, it would have been less reliable than throwing the mouse to the snake. He might have rebuffed you, even lashed out if you were persistent. But it was…" For a second, Snowflake choked up. "It was what a mother would have done!"
"Snowflake, enough."
Kei did not want to be defended. There was no point, and it was too late. Kei had not chosen to bare her soul, and though she was moved—perhaps even a little shaken—by Snowflake's actions, it was not Snowflake's place to do so for her.
"Mari, as part of your optimal scenario, you chose to sacrifice my trust in you. I do not have the power to undo that sacrifice any more than I do the other events that transpired, even should I conclude it to be the rational course of action. Our relationship is no longer a problem to be solved, or a scale to be rebalanced through apologies and atonement. It is over."
Kei walked away, and Snowflake with her.
At the last moment, before Mari was too far away to hear, Kei had two final words she could not make herself not say.
"Be well."
-o-
Voting is open.
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- Location
- Yes.
Noburi can make the chakra in his water infinitely dense so he can just top us off with one serving. The issue with the Summoning Strategy is that it requires the Summoners to continuously drink water over long periods of time.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Water poisoning also shouldn't matter for clones because it happens much later and if it's the clones drinking all the water, Prime is fine.
Noumero
Omit Needless Words
I feel the need to remind everyone that the water poisoning problem has a workaround already integrated into my final Summon Army proposal.
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Now that we are aware of the water poisoning.. couldn't we have a medic on standby to counteract the effects. I.e. Noburi himself? Along with learning the chakra techniques required he could also carry around.. diuretics or something.
- Pronouns
- She/Her/They/Them
Alexander the Great, Lord Jashin, a 4D Chaosball, and of course the Sharingains. A loremaster is you.