Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
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- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
- Location
- NY
Good idea, but anaerobic bacteria *are* a thing and botulism is not an illness a 21st century first world doctor really wants to deal with.
- Location
- how about no
Is this the stated goal?
I definitely be in favor of such a plan especially if there is adequate involvement of the Yamanaka clan as Ino's time is just as precious as our own. I'm skeptical of writing a blank check but I certainly will check back in before the voting deadline. Hell, I might even write a plan myself since we're talking about Ino here.
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
I remember at some point the official stance being "You will be submitting over all of Jiraiya's seals except for ones of potentially gamechanging value."
- Location
- Under a Rock
Hmm... it looks like its possible, because google says they can effect vacuum sealed food. But I think we have two advantages. The implosion seal should provide far lower pressures than vacuum packing. We aren't looking to see if they can survive without oxygen, we want to see if they can survive in space.
Second, flour is pretty durable just sitting on a shelf. Keep it dry, and it can last up to 8 months open on the shelf.
...Then I realized the shelf life of vacuum sealed flour is a real question with a real answer, and that answer turns out to be about two years.
That isn't nearly the kind of longevity I was hoping for. I'm somewhat curious as to how it is becoming inedible. As far as I know, nothing can survive for long without atmospheric pressure, anaerobic or not. Maybe the chemical structure is decaying?
- Location
- NY
Bacteria are hella resilient man
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
Agreed.
We could give the idea to the Hokage for emergency storage? Or maybe give the idea to the Leaf as a whole? Access to food is the sort of thing I'm not really comfortable withholding or manipulating for our benefit. And the giving the idea away seems like a sound one, since not every clan is like the Goketsu, who have a sealing stockpile that probably rivals the Tower's.
- Location
- Under a Rock
If we need to pitch this with an idea for the contest, crop insurance. It turns monocropping from nigh suicidal to perfectly viable, boosting overall yields. Although, the real difficulty there will be the administrative load required for it. Assuming the subsistence farming situation in Fire what I've read about elsewhere, a jaw dropping mess of overlapping rights and multiple tiny narrow fields per family, just figuring out whose harvest it was that was poor is going to take a lot of effort.
EDIT: Fire likely has rice as a staple crop, which I think works much differently. Also, the rice is anthropophagic under certain circumstances. None of what I read is going to apply. I have no idea what farming looks like in Fire.
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- Location
- Somewhere over the rainbow
I mean... the truth is that there's also going to need to be a cultural shift to go with that - a lot of the way farmers behave is actually all about minimizing risk over boosting yields, and I feel the everpresent risk of ninja sorry, random travelers coming in to demand things from your village makes this relationship distinctly more tilted in favor of "make things as resilient as possible so ninja battles don't just instantly end our existence".
- Location
- how about no
How far along are our 3 dog transportation projects?
I'd like to have Canoe walk with us as we explain our manufacturing processes for each solution. We need her input during the design process and have her measurements taken as well as her anatomy studied enough that any straps or harnesses we'd make for the dogs won't choke or hinder them.
Cannai wants us to be thorough and having Canoe see how we treat our clan in person should help improve her impression of us as well as make for an interesting scene to read and write. I have it on good authority Dogs are fun to write and we have yet to introduce Canoe to everyone yet.
Speaking of introductions though...
Why don't we ask if Canoe wants to meet Pandaa?
(underlined by me)
Sure the Pangolins might be genocidal expansionists but we haven't even tried diplomacy yet. At the very least Canoe will have a chance to know what a Pangolin (albeit a small one) looks/smells like so the Dogs will know if any encroach on the Dogs' borders.
Maybe the Dogs don't want to talk to a representative of the Pangolins (and of course the Pangolins can send whoever they want as a representative as well)...
Actually, as I type this, I can't help but think 'why stop there?' We could have every 7th path clan with a summoner in Leaf send a representative to the human path to establish diplomatic (and hopefully trade) relations. I'm sure I'm not the first person to think of this but now there is a pressing need with the potentially escalating tensions between the Pangolins and the Dogs. We shouldn't do this the upcoming update since the Dogs will definitely need their transportation devices in case diplomacy fails but I still wanted to write it down before I forgot and to see what other people think about the timing.
Perhaps we could even set up war games between leaf affiliated clans as a replacement for outright war between clans. Have the respective summoners call champions or average fighting forces to face off against one another here in the human path so they 7th path clans can see for themselves how a fight to the death would result without the messiness of actual death. It wouldn't be completely accurate since there is much more to war than only combat but it could still act as a war deterrent just like the Chunin exams do.
So... who is in favor of a Chunin Exams 2: 7th Path Edition Arc?
We owe Ino and the Yamanaka in general a favor for their timely aid. I'm thinking something along the lines of utilizing our newfound ultra-wealth to purchase a perpetual reservation at her needlessly expensive favorite restaurant so we could invite her to either dinner or lunch at her convenience as a 'thank you'. Then during the meal we can acknowledge our debt to her, offer her a favor as one clan head to another, and then propose a joint operation between the Yamanaka and the GED. With Yamanaka approval together we would teach civilian teachers the basics of counseling and/or psychology in order to help civilians help each other after traumatic events.
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
I like this and would vote for a plan including this.
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Nah, don't worry. My brain is cheese, that's all.
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
We made Skywalkers by just going "Make this togglable and stick it on people's feet." iirc.
Can we do something similar to fuck around with the 5SB to have objects be locked only on the Z-axis?
(Something something "But thats instant flight": Input some crappy limitations so its only instant hovercars.)
Can we do something similar to fuck around with the 5SB to have objects be locked only on the Z-axis?
(Something something "But thats instant flight": Input some crappy limitations so its only instant hovercars.)
Chapter 359: The Bane
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Removed because the scene included romance-novel style content and I don't know if that would have upset the mods.
The scene was completely optional and you missed nothing important to the quest by losing access to it.
The scene was completely optional and you missed nothing important to the quest by losing access to it.
Chapter 359: The Bane
The enemy was massive. Tall, wide, and would undoubtedly hit like a hammer between the eyes.
"Is that all you've got?" Hazō demanded, telling the Iron Nerve to make his face look unimpressed.
"No, My Lord," Gaku said, plonking two more foot-high stacks of paper on the desk.
Hazō groaned. "Fine. Where do you want to start?"
"This is the latest financial review," the older man said, efficiently conjuring a sheaf of papers from the rightmost stack. "As you can see, the chocolate monopoly is producing nicely, although we expect it to break in another month or so. One of the fields was not fully flooded and it was having a bountiful but delayed harvest. The delay enabled our monopoly to succeed temporarily, but harvesting is now almost complete and will end up with roughly one quarter the normal total volume of chocolate-bean production, more than enough to break our control of pricing. Our agent in place, if that isn't too grandiose a title for a day laborer who gets talkative in his cups, says that he saw three men in uniform on the fields a week ago. He only saw them at a distance but he is confident that they were ninja. They surveyed the entire field and spoke with the owner and the foreman before leaving.
"Here we have the Naked Jaybird reports. As a reminder, the Jaybird is a source of revenue but Lady Mari has been using it for information advantage—knowing who is dining with whom on what days, being able to arrange a casual meeting by seating two people at adjacent tables, that sort of thing. On to the report: The Mist seafood menu is popular, but there was an incident last week. Several diners were poisoned, none fatally, and it's led to an extreme drop in attendance. They're investigating what caused the issue; the current working theory is that it was the confluence of an unusually venomous batch of prawns and sloppy preparation. The financial projections are on the third page. If things don't improve quickly, the Jaybird will be out of business in two weeks.
"Here is your weekly reminder that you paid a small fortune for that iron mine and have done nothing with it.
"These are predictions about what other clans are doing, financially and otherwise. The first page is the summary. The most interesting item is the second page; one of Lady Mari's friends on the Merchant Council has alerted us that the Kurusu are going to be auctioning off some of the land they gained as their prize in Lord Hokage's contest. Simultaneously, the Amori are probably looking to acquire land suitable for grape farming. I've included a map that shows the three main locations where grapes are grown and several other locations that might or might not be feasible as well.
"The Kurusu won the 'ten thousand acres' prize in Lord Hokage's contest and will be choosing the acreage shortly. They plan on auctioning some of it off and will be accepting bids soon; bidders are expected to provide a last-and-final bid and a map of the acreage they would like. Sale will undoubtedly be contingent on the Hokage granting the relevant land to the Kurusu.
"This is the latest reports on criminal and Grey World activity throughout Leaf, as reported by our Yakuza contact, Yodogawa Ikurō. He says—"
Hazō frowned. "I thought our contact was that Gotoda guy? Kin-something?"
"Gotoda Kintaro. Yes sir, it was. Unfortunately he turned up dead in his home, head smashed in. Judging from the size of the wound it was probably done by a very strong man using a large sledgehammer. Presumably by a competitor, and most likely by our new contact: Yodogawa Ikurō, the new Second Lieutenant of the Fire Dragon Yakuza. He's been quite helpful, and has doubled the number of Yakuza enforcers who serve as escorts for Gōketsu citizens going into the city."
"Yeah, what's up with that? Why are they volunteering as bodyguards? They started soon after we moved here, and we'd never done anything for them as far as I know."
"Presumably they wanted to get on the good side of a new clan. They must have known that we didn't have contacts yet and thought it a good opportunity to make themselves indispensable. It's proven effective for them; the enforcers protect our people but they also suggest destinations when asked. Gōketsu civilians are playing in Yakuza games, shopping at the stores the Yakuza protect, and otherwise funneling money back to them."
"Is that a problem?"
"No, sir. They've been ensuring that we get discounts everywhere we go, and anyone who attempts to cheat one of our people is immediately disincentivized from repeating the behavior."
"'Disincentivized'?"
"My understanding is that they have their fingers smashed with a hammer."
"Ah."
"Yes sir."
Hazō thought for a moment, then shrugged. "Well, I'm not going to make an issue of it. It's a little harsh, but they're bringing it on themselves. Also we've got too much on our plate already and we need the allies. In particular, the bodyguards are really helpful. After Granny Mayuka got jumped I was afraid we were going to have to provide ninja escorts for everyone, but apparently a tattoo is almost as good as a headband."
"Yes sir. Speaking of people being jumped, we had an incident last week. A pair of our teenagers went into the city to do some shopping and slipped their bodyguard, presumably because they wanted to find a dark place to engage in a bit of pickling."
"'Pickling?"
"Would you prefer that I use a different term, sir?"
"No, it's fine. So, they slipped away from their bodyguard. What happened?"
"They were mugged. No sexual assault, fortunately, but all their money was taken and they were given a substantial beating. They've been to the clinic and the mednin have done what could be done. They'll make a full recovery and I doubt they will elude their bodyguards next time."
"That's a relief."
"Yes sir. Moving on, here's the latest list of malfeasance inside the estate."
"Anything unusual?"
"No sir. Six drunk and disorderlies, three public exposures, four handsies, nine petty thefts—"
"'Handsies'?" Hazō said, chuckling.
"Yes sir. A 'handsy' is when a man touches—"
"No, no. I could tell what it meant. It just seemed funny."
"Yes sir. Nine petty thefts, and twenty-seven noise complaints. Fifteen of them about the same person, a young man who fancies himself a bard."
"Can't sing?"
"Like a drunken cat being strangled while drowning, sir, but what he lacks in talent he makes up for in enthusiasm. Unfortunately, he's a night owl and likes to sing in the communal baths. For some reason that completely eludes me, the other residents of his building are displeased."
"I can see why. Have one of the Household Guard talk to him."
"Already done, sir. Twice. It made no difference."
"Fine. Put him on latrine duty."
A sheet of paper magically appeared in front of Hazō. "Sign here please, sir."
Hazō glanced over the page in amusement and scrawled his signature across the bottom. "What would you have done if I had said camp chores instead?"
"You didn't, sir."
"I might have!" Surely he wasn't that predictable?
"Yes sir. Moving on. The skysliders project has hit a string of failures and three of the engineers are growing restless. They've approached me discreetly to ask what the consequences will be if they try to leave the project, or if they can't produce results soon."
"They can leave if they want to, obviously. No consequences as long as they're making a sincere effort."
Another sheet of paper appeared in front of the teenage Clan Head. "I prepared a statement to that effect for your signature, sir."
Hazō shook his head in bemusement and signed it.
"You have invitations for dinner next week from the Aburame, Motoyoshi, Hagoromo, and Renbutsu. The Motoyoshi conflicted with the Aburame, so I asked if it would be possible to reschedule them—the Motoyoshi—to the following night. They did so without complaint. Here is the schedule, the required dress code, a list of suggested host gifts, and the RSVP letters for your signature. The host gifts are reserved with the relevant merchants and I can have whichever ones you prefer purchased and delivered here tomorrow."
Once again, Hazō signed without protest; it was nice to see other clans reaching out for a change. He quickly selected a set of the gift suggestions and handed them over. "Who are the Renbutsu? I don't recognize the name."
"A minor clan without a seat on the Council, sir. I've prepared a brief on their financial background." He plucked the topmost folder off the righthand stack and set it in front of Hazō. It was slim. Hazō glanced at it and then up at his secretary.
Gaku shifted uncomfortably. "I was unable to discover much in the short time available, sir. I have rectified the issue by beginning to put together profiles on all the clans, including the minor ones."
"Good man. What sources are you using?"
"I sent some of the more discreet Household Guard to the Fire Dragons to inquire what the Yakuza know. I'm also speaking to civilian administrators at the Tower, and I've hired minor C-rank missions to take one of our younger merchant-trainees on a circuit of some of the nearby villages to see who is sourcing what from where."
"We need to get some more able-bodied ninja," Hazō noted, taking a sip of his tea while skimming through the contents of the folder. "Atomu and Reo are required for local management and defense and the rest aren't fit for field duty."
"I'm sorry, sir," said Gaku, his face suddenly pale. "I should have anticipated the need and I didn't. I apologize for my failure and I'll get right on it, sir." He bowed deeply.
Hazō stared at his secretary as though the man had grown a second head. "I wasn't criticizing."
"No sir. Sorry, sir."
"Gaku...seriously, relax. You're doing an amazing job."
"Thank you, sir."
Hazō debated what else to say and finally just shook his head. "Let's move on. Dinner engagements all next week. What else?"
Gaku extended another folder; Hazō noticed that the man's hands were shaking slightly but forbore to comment. "What's this?" he asked.
"A summary of the decoding project," Gaku said, pointing at the section headers. "Lord Kagome has decrypted forty percent of the boxes and says that the ciphers are repeating more often, and..." He frowned, trying to remember. "The ciphers are repeating more often, Lord Kagome has become better able to predict Lord Jiraiya's choice of cipher keys, and that..." He stopped and shook his head. "I'm sorry, sir. The discussion went rather over my head and I don't remember the precise words. Something about positions, plainer text, and inappropriately sickly compositions? It should be on page three."
Hazō flipped to the relevant page and skimmed through it, giving up after the third paragraph of jargon terms that bounced off his brain without leaving any impression.
"Doesn't make any sense to me either, but as long as he gets it. Does he need any more help?"
"I suggested that, sir. He...expressed the lack of necessity."
Hazō chuckled. "Did the word 'stinking' get used?"
"Yes sir. Quite frequently. It was rather alarming."
"I'll talk to him."
"Thank you, sir. Apparently Lady Akane has been quite helpful. He breaks the cipher, shows her how to use it, and then gives her a bunch of material to decode. She has taken it upon herself, after she finishes what he's given her, to take another batch of files and try all the already-broken ciphers so that Lord Kagome doesn't have to. If none of them work, she gives them to him to be decoded. The system apparently works well and they are making excellent progress."
"Good. We've been shuttling the relevant material to Asuma and Naruto?"
"Yes sir. The Hokage seems quite pleased and Lord Uzumaki has expressed satisfaction."
"Good to know." He focused on the report, skimming through it. Massive amounts of Icha Icha notes and drafts, stacks of inanities and irrelevancies, a dozen jutsu, several dozen new seals or folios of sealing notes and monographs that would be priceless to the right person but had already been promised to Leaf in general as part of Asuma's contest, and multiple boxes of intelligence notes and classified reports. Everything was marked with either one or two dates and the kanji for 'in progress'. For many of the entries, 'in progress' had been crossed out and replaced with one of a set of symbols that Hazō did not recognize.
"What are these?" he asked, pointing.
Gaku craned his neck to see what Hazō was pointing at. "Those indicate the current disposition of the files, sir. Those two are 'submitted to Hokage' and 'submitted to Lord Uzumaki', that one is 'Gōketsu archive', and that one is 'dark archive', referring to the most sensitive material."
"What is the 'dark archive'?"
"Lord Kagome's bedroom, sir. It's apparently rather better secured than the clan's secure vault."
"Ah. Yes, that makes sense. All right, what's next?"
"We have word back from some of the agents you sent to hunt down that telescope merchant. Six of them came up empty, the last one has a rumor that the man might have been going to Degarashi Port six weeks ago. He said that the report is unconfirmed and unreliable, sir."
"It's more than we had. Hire a mission to escort that agent down to Degarashi. Tell him that whether or not he finds the guy, he should come home and then take a week off to relax."
"Of course, sir."
"Cool. Okay, what's next?"
"The collection of fairy tales and myths you requested, sir." He passed over a thick sheaf of papers, his expression carefully blank.
"Oh, cool. I've been meaning to look into that ever since that story about Ui Isas led us to the Pangolin Scroll."
"Yes sir."
Hazō looked suspiciously at his carefully-expressionless secretary. "I have!"
"I didn't say otherwise, sir."
"Hrmph. What's next?"
"The sanitation project, sir. They've dug trenches at various points around the estate but are having little success overall."
"Well, have them keep at it."
"Yes sir. Here is a report on the last twenty ninja missions bid out by the Tower, including whatever details are available and, for six of them, who took the mission."
"Interesting. How did you get this?"
"I have been having one of the genin go to the board every day and bring back details of all posted missions. When a mission is removed from the board I send someone in to sign up for it. The desk genin will often volunteer the name of the person who 'scooped us', so to speak."
"Good job," Hazō said, impressed at his secretary's resourcefulness. Secretary? Perhaps 'lieutenant'? 'Executive officer'? 'Spymaster'? Something. He pushed the thoughts away and skimmed through the log.
"Courier mission to Hot Springs. Courier mission to Grass. Transport guard to Tanzaku Gai. Extermination mission to northeastern Fire. Escort mission to Keishi. Courier to Tea. Courier to Tanzaku Gai. Caravan guard. Escort to Keishi. Escort to Hot Springs. Escort to Hot Springs. Escort to Hot Springs. Courier to Keishi. Escort to Hot Springs. Escort to Hot Springs. Escort to Hot Springs. Courier to Keishi. Escort to Hot Springs. Escort to Hot Springs. Courier to Hot Springs. Escort to Hot Springs." He shuffled through the papers. "It doesn't list who posted these."
"No sir. That information isn't publicly available. Would you like us to find out? I can speak to Lady Mari about how to acquire the information."
"...Let me think on it."
"Of course, sir."
Hazō eyed the enemy carefully; it had shrunk by less than a third. Today was going to be a long day.
He sighed and refilled his tea. "Okay, let's keep going. What else have you got?"
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Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
I love this guy so much lol
- Location
- United States
Gaku's sass is amazing, but I imagine a lot of it is a coping mechanism for having to talk to a ninja for long periods of time while giving information that they may not like. 
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
Someone is ordering a rather alarming number of couriers (read:messages) to Hotsprings.
I don't like this...
Plot hooks! Probably innocuous TBH. People like hot springs.
redzonejoe
Vaguely Pastafarian
- Location
- Canada
*Screaming in Faflec screaming in Kagome*
Well if it was innocuous before, it definitely isn't now.
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
These are the last twenty missions bid. Half of them were involving escorts and couriers to Hot Springs.
Barring the start of some yearly vacation season or something, this seems implausible to kick off all at once.
Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
If we ambush the assigned teams before they can leave the Tower is it still considered treason or just healthy competition?
- Location
- Yes.
The less-paranoid part of me will observe that it is summer (mid-late July) in the Elemental Nations, and for that reason tourism to Hot Springs (which is, again, a tourist spot) makes all the Hot Springs missions (of which 9 out of 11 are escort missions) logical.
This part of me is being drowned out by the traditional we'reallgonnadieeeeeee'ing that you would expect me to scream at the situation.
This part of me is being drowned out by the traditional we'reallgonnadieeeeeee'ing that you would expect me to scream at the situation.
Hmmm... clearly we need to take advantage of this and begin selling ice. Nothing could go wrong.
Jello_Raptor
(Confirmed Jelly)
- Location
- Left of Center
Goddamn, Gaku is a fucking treasure.
Goddamn, Gaku is a fucking treasurer.