Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
No, no, you just put them in anyway. Rambling diatribes are hella my jam.
Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
Chapter 284: Tilting the Scales
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
It was a pleasant afternoon at the Gōketsu compound. A fire was crackling merrily in the living room, three mugs of hot chocolate were sitting on the table, and everyone was alive. Granted, Noburi was in hospital with Akane watching over him, Naruto had gone home for badly-needed "private time", and Kagome was upstairs beating himself up, but you couldn't have everything. Yes, Hazō decided, a few hours of determined denial would do him a world of good.
"Thank you for your hospitality," Dr Yakushi said with a neutral smile, settling down in one of the room's softer armchairs. "You know, I definitely think the warm colour scheme brings out the best in this room. Orochimaru-sensei's cooler tones were pleasing to the eye, but in the end, a place for entertaining guests should be welcoming above all else. Not that guests were his first priority, of course."
"Orochimaru-sensei?" Hazō repeated with puzzlement and a strange touch of alarm.
"Of course. An interest in esoteric research does not arise through spontaneous generation. Just as the Fifth had the Fourth as an apprentice, and Lady Tsunade chose that Shizune woman, Orochimaru-sensei also needed a reliable, open-minded lab assistant." Dr Yakushi said, his gaze drifting down wistfully. "The best days of my life, until that unfortunate… disagreement he had with the Leaf authorities.
"Now, while I appreciate your invitation, I can't stay long. Between assisting Lady Tsunade in treating the presently injured, sorting through my paperwork in order to find Form 133(b) before the director's patience runs out, summoning training, making sure a certain experiment has not overheated and ruined a week's worth of research, equipment maintenance, and reviewing security protocols, it is a miracle I have time to spare to rescue Noburi's love life, much less respond to your invitation."
"To do what?!"
"There's no immediate danger to his life, but I gather young women do not look kindly upon a permanently disfigured countenance. In a certain sense, his situation may be worse than Akane's was."
Hazō felt a chill pass through him. He'd been the one to suggest the trip to the Basement. He'd been the one to invite Noburi to come along.
"I am not overly concerned, however. We still have access to Lady Tsunade, after all."
Hazō concealed a sigh of relief.
"Next time, however, " Dr Yakushi said in the coolest voice Hazō had ever heard from him, looking at Hazō over the top of his glasses, "bring him directly to the hospital after a serious injury. Apprentices are not as easily replaceable as people think.
"Now, may I ask the purpose of this invitation?"
-o-
"Inviting Dr Yakushi would be a terrible idea," Mari said firmly. "The man's a snake."
Hazō recalled his few encounters with the man. The more he considered, the less he could imagine Yakushi Kabuto having anything remotely snake-like about him.
"Why do you say that?" he asked sceptically.
"He's friendly, patient, tolerant, helpful, and… very forgiving," Mari said.
"And this is your argument against asking him to join the clan?"
"He doesn't have any visible flaws," Mari said patiently, as if explaining to a ten-year-old why it was important to slit a throat so the blood sprayed away from you, "and he's a jōnin."
Hazō stopped dead in its mental tracks. His mind brought up a random sampling of the jōnin he knew. Maito Gai. Nara Shikaku. Mari herself. Mori Ami.
"Noburi and Akane both vouch for him," he ventured with a touch of desperation. "They arguably have the most common sense in this clan.
"Oh, no offence, Mari!" he quickly added.
"None displayed."
She tapped a finger against her lips thoughtfully.
"But I suppose there is that saying. He may be a snake, but he'd be our snake. Nobody works against their own clan's interests."
She paused briefly.
"Nobody reasonable works against their own clan's interests.
"It's always better to be in a clan than out of one, unless the clan is psycho-crazy like the Karatachi, and I think he knows as well as us what happens to those who reveal clan secrets without permission. It just wouldn't be a good trade-off for him to undermine us if he was a Gōketsu. Also, it would keep him out of the hands of the KEI, and I think you'll agree we don't want those two unlabelled reagents mixing in the same bowl."
They weren't going to get over what they'd seen in the Basement in a hurry, were they? Especially the… No, no going down that road. The clan head had to keep it together in the middle of making an important decision. He could process (recall over and over with increasing horror) the experiences in his own room later.
"So you've changed your mind about him?" Hazō asked.
"No," she said. "I still think he's up to something, even if I have no idea what. But halfway through this conversation, I remembered…"
Her expression turned dark. "We need all the competent clan members we can get if we want this clan to survive."
Hazō remembered when he'd last heard that self-hating tone of voice. It hadn't been in the Basement.
"It wasn't your fault!" He exclaimed for the thousandth time. "We all agree that you did the best you possibly could, and we very nearly beat him against all the odds. Without you, for all we know he could have got an absolute majority."
But if he could keep it together long enough to get through the day, then she could too. She was already doing so much better than she had been even a week ago. He had to keep her focused on the present.
"I take your point, though. An extra jōnin would be a major asset even if we put aside the medical stuff. As long as you think it's safe."
"Don't worry," Mari said with the cold finality of a headsman's axe. "This time, I'll protect you."
-o-
"I always suspected," Dr Yakushi admitted. "A man of his calibre could never be satisfied with the paltry equipment we have access to over at the hospital. Then, of course, there were his disagreements with the Hokage regarding ethical oversight. The Third had clear views on the treatment of civilians, even damaged ones. There were also Orochimaru-sensei's comments about past assistants, who all lacked the necessary mental fortitude to reach Level Seven, and instead had to assist with his research in other ways. At the time, I couldn't possibly have known that it was anything other than a personal classification system, but of course after the ANBU reports…"
Seven levels. They'd only managed to get as far as the third, and that was with Naruto for firepower and Kagome for safety.
"Did he say anything else about Level Seven?" Hazō asked.
Dr Yakushi cocked his head. "There was a throwaway comment that stuck with me, about those past apprentices proving themselves unworthy to assist with his research on the nature of life and death. Unfortunately, he did not deem me ready for further discussion on the topic. I would like to think that, if only we'd had more time together… No, never mind.
"Now," he leaned forward, hands tight on the armrests, "how far did you reach? Because if you've truly uncovered the mysteries of Level Seven…"
Hazō shook his head apologetically. "We only made it as far as Three before we... ran into difficulties."
Dr Yakushi leaned back again. "Most unfortunate." He paused. "With regard to your offer… it is very generous, but I must refuse for three reasons.
"First, as you may have noticed, I take pains to remain apolitical. Taking sides would distract terribly from my research, and, more importantly, my current position is effective because I am equally useful to everyone. As such, nobody has a vested interest in reminding the world that I was once apprentice to Leaf's greatest—no, second greatest—third greatest missing-nin. In any case, I believe you have experienced the implications of that kind of reputation yourselves.
"Second, while your offer of additional funding would have been light shining down from the Deva Path a matter of weeks ago, recent events have led me to believe that Leaf is about to see a massive influx of state investment into medicine. Naturally, after the Battle of Nagi Island, everyone is aware of the importance of understanding Bloodline Limits, bio-sealing, and other uncommon research fields.
"Third, I do not mean to sound mercenary, but where else can you go with all your fascinating samples? Lady Tsunade is about to have a great deal on her plate, and is unlikely to express personal interest in Orochimaru-sensei's research. Leaf's other medic-nin include some truly gifted individuals, but none with my particular specialisation. The Hyūga have far greater medical lore than is publicly assumed, but I doubt you are keen to cooperate with them."
Two thirds of a gloomy silence settled over the room as Hazō weighed his options.
"What about direct access to the Basement? I'm sure that if you were to go down there yourself, you'd be able to extract much more data than we could—data which neither of us has any other way of obtaining."
"True," Dr Yakushi said. "Very true. Of course, unless certain traps have been disarmed beforehand, I would be taking my life in my own hands. No, it would be far more logical for me to explore it after it has been cleared by competent experts such as yourselves."
"You understand," Mari said, "that anything down there is sensitive material belonging to the Gōketsu Clan. It would be inappropriate, and set a bad precedent, to allow an outsider access to the clan's literally deepest secrets."
Dr Yakushi nodded. "Allow me, then, to present a hypothetical scenario. In this scenario, I approach the Sixth Hokage, and inform him that, under my authority as the Tower's advanced medical research specialist, I have expropriated certain rare study materials from the Gōketsu Clan. The Sixth is doubtless a man worthy of great respect, but he is untrained in alchemy, humorism, miasma theory, or any other cutting-edge spheres of medicine. How do you suppose he would react upon being presented with a catalogue of research items described using the proper terminology of the field?"
While Hazō's mind was still stuck on the image of a cutting-edge sphere of medicine, Mari smirked. "He would gaze at it blankly for a few seconds, then fob the whole deal off onto the nearest qualified professional, together with a big chunk of that funding he promised—what with Tsunade being right around the corner—and a private commendation for getting one over on those upstart foreigners."
"Quite. Without input from the Tower, or from my superiors, who would not touch Orochimaru-sensei's legacy with a ten-foot pole, it is of course my prerogative to assign clearance levels for the relevant research, as well as to select staff to assist me on the project. Such as, for example, my dear apprentice."
He may be a snake, but he'd be our snake, Hazō thought to himself.
"I'm not letting that one implication slip past me," Mari commented. "You're tricking the Hokage into agreeing that you have formal authority to seize clan property."
"Why, am I?" Dr Yakushi smiled. "Certainly, in our hypothetical scenario I would be expropriating said materials, albeit with permission. And certainly, I am the Tower's advanced medical research specialist—Lady Tsunade has no interest in assuming that title—and would be expropriating them in said capacity, as opposed to as a private individual. I see nothing underhanded about reporting to the Hokage accordingly.
"Needless to say," Dr Yakushi added, "the speed of my research is of necessity dependent on how much time I must spend on other issues, such as pursuing further funding—ten million ryo per year, was it?—and personal training as a ninja, such as might be facilitated by useful ninjutsu and seals. Indeed, it could be accelerated by a variety of other forms of assistance, of which those mentioned in the course of this very conversation are noteworthy, though not exclusive, examples. Alas, such are the constraints placed on Leaf's sole expert in given fields of study.
"Now, I believe it is time for me to return to my duties. Do contact me with your decision with due haste. Certain materials can be terribly dangerous if improperly handled."
-o-
To be concluded and/or rewarded by @eaglejarl. Voting is open.
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- Location
- Seattle
There's plenty to react to here but
I swear y'all are some of the most talented writers alive
- Location
- France
- Location
- Academy City
- Pronouns
- They
Eh. Unsurprising, but it was worth a shot.
- Location
- Europe
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
Whelp, I know what we're doing in a month when everyone's (including Naruto's) consequences are mostly reset and we have access to more Shinies!
Time to grind out some seal research eh?
Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
In which Kabuto gets nearly everything we offered him for the adoption without any of the drawbacks.
Sage damn it.
Guy is obviously a lot better than us at socials/politics so I'd suggest not talking shop with him in person whenever possible and give him the 10M ryo/year so he doesn't cause trouble.
And from now on, all offers/inquiries should go through Mari. And the next time she tells us she has a bad feeling about it, we should listen.
Not that this helps Kabuto playing Noburi like a fiddle during their sessions but it's not like we can do much about that.
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- Location
- Somewhere over the rainbow
[X] Action Plan: We're Going On (Everything But) A Lion Hunt
Word Count: 243
Because it's time to finally go make some SINs. I still have a bunch of words, and can undoubtedly wordcount optimize this. Thoughts?
- Kabuto
- Be unfailingly polite and friendly.
- Decline.
- Access to Orochimaru's materials are clan secrets, full stop.
- Kabuto is not getting access to clan jutsu or seals without joining the clan. That suggestion was ridiculous.
- Kabuto is not our only option. We can find someone else.
- If there truly is no one else, we're obliterating it.
- It's too dangerous to leave lying around.
- The adoption option remains open so long as we have an open slot.
- SINs
- Take a high ranking chakra beast extermination mission to the south.
- Party members: Hazou, Akane, Kagome.
- Take 2-3 weeks. Our actual objectives, in descending order, the moment we leave:
- Testing Stacked Implosion Nukes.
- Follow Kagome's suggestions.
- Preparation:
- Create a container that we can place an implosion seal in that won't rupture when the air rushes in.
- Activate the implosion seal.
- Close the container.
- Repeat until we have a significant amount of filled implosion seals.
- Testing:
- Prepare 5SB reinforced blast shielding.
- Detonate increasing amounts of filled implosion seals stacked together until kill radius exceeds 400m.
- Testing Stacked Implosion Nukes.
- Salterns:
- Use MEW to wall off sections of ocean.
- Freeze with EM.
- Boil leftover brine.
- Complete land sale. Clear said land.
- Expanding our contact list. Seek out Jiraiya's contacts/network and help rebuild and re-key said network.
- Guerilla civil engineering.
- Kill our target.
- Take a high ranking chakra beast extermination mission to the south.
- Village assignments:
- Be obnoxiously helpful for Hiashi.
- Organize and instruct KEI with relevant talents.
- Noburi: Keep compiling adoption candidates.
- Mari and Naruto (both needed!) meet and arrange backchannels with Ami.
Word Count: 243
Because it's time to finally go make some SINs. I still have a bunch of words, and can undoubtedly wordcount optimize this. Thoughts?
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Ooooh. I know what we can do.
So Kabuto (as I understand it) is saying "No, I won't join. But if you give me the Oro stuff and the funding anyway I'll research it from outside the clan. And you will accept that because it's not like there's anyone else you can go to."
So...
Step 1) "No thank you. "
Step 2) Kabuto won't accept, largely because funding isn't an issue with Tsunade's deal. So go to Tsunade with as many projects as we can that are very effective at her goals and also will collectively eat all the medical budget.
Step 3) "Kabuto, would you like to reconsider your response? "
On a seperate note, I notice that the scene hasn't actually ended yet and Kabuto is still in the room. This implies to me that the QMs think there's something we can say to win immediately from this position?? I don't see it, myself, but I guess we can try to work it out.
So Kabuto (as I understand it) is saying "No, I won't join. But if you give me the Oro stuff and the funding anyway I'll research it from outside the clan. And you will accept that because it's not like there's anyone else you can go to."
So...
Step 1) "No thank you.
"Step 2) Kabuto won't accept, largely because funding isn't an issue with Tsunade's deal. So go to Tsunade with as many projects as we can that are very effective at her goals and also will collectively eat all the medical budget.
Step 3) "Kabuto, would you like to reconsider your response?
"On a seperate note, I notice that the scene hasn't actually ended yet and Kabuto is still in the room. This implies to me that the QMs think there's something we can say to win immediately from this position?? I don't see it, myself, but I guess we can try to work it out.
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We did, that's what the sanity check part of the plan is. It only went through since Mari changed her mind. Although it looks like we only checked it with Mari for some reason. Noburi, Naruto, Akane, and Kagome I understand. Dunno why we didn't fetch Keiko.
I'd suggest removing the "don't do this period" part
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- Location
- Yes.
KAGOME: Sounds like a lot of work. Why not do it my way?Ooooh. I know what we can do.
So Kabuto (as I understand it) is saying "No, I won't join. But if you give me the Oro stuff and the funding anyway I'll research it from outside the clan. And you will accept that because it's not like there's anyone else you can go to."
So...
Step 1) "No thank you.
Step 2) Kabuto won't accept, largely because funding isn't an issue with Tsunade's deal. So go to Tsunade with as many projects as we can that are very effective at her goals and also will collectively eat all the medical budget.
Step 3) "Kabuto, would you like to reconsider your response?
- Location
- Academy City
- Pronouns
- They
The obvious option is to do it in thread. Remember that we don't need Hazou to figure out what their deal is, we just need detailed enough descriptions that we can do it ourselves. I imagine we have some here, but worst comes to worst I can hit up some biology majors for help.Ooooh. I know what we can do.
So Kabuto (as I understand it) is saying "No, I won't join. But if you give me the Oro stuff and the funding anyway I'll research it from outside the clan. And you will accept that because it's not like there's anyone else you can go to."
So...
Step 1) "No thank you.
Step 2) Kabuto won't accept, largely because funding isn't an issue with Tsunade's deal. So go to Tsunade with as many projects as we can that are very effective at her goals and also will collectively eat all the medical budget.
Step 3) "Kabuto, would you like to reconsider your response?
On a seperate note, I notice that the scene hasn't actually ended yet and Kabuto is still in the room. This implies to me that the QMs think there's something we can say to win immediately from this position?? I don't see it, myself, but I guess we can try to work it out.
If we wanted to dissect an octocat, you'd have to stop the chapter every few sentences while Hazou describes what he's looking at in detail before we decide what to do with it. It wouldn't work very well. Also chakra biology is freaky witchcraft and we should burn it with fire.
I'm more interested in the implication that there's something we can say right now before he leaves to change Kabuto's mind. I really don't see what it could be though.
Below are some ideas
As well as:
- Ask Naruto whether the timekeeping clone turned cannibal
- Inventory what loot we got
- Ask Mari why she thought the log was incomprehensible
- Discuss that rehabilitating victims instead of killing them is an option
- Ask Kagome to write up the Akatsuki Book's summary.
For those interested in talkin to Mari
Protoplan: Mental Health
- Gather Goketsu. Talk and confide about stress, trauma, and mental health including
- Noburi
- if Noburi can leave the hospital soon delay the meeting till then
- else ask Kagome whether meeting can be done in hospital room without eavesdropping
- if not, do meeting without him
- Kagome
- it wasn't his fault, it was everyone's fault
- discuss safety precautions for next time to cheer him up
- Mari's:
- complete mentality change.
- eye color changes.
- the price of her TLiTF and its effects on her. as her family we need to know how to care for her.
- Noburi
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- Location
- Somewhere over the rainbow
Alright, edits to the plan to make SINs a Goketsu thing only, along with maybe sort of @MadScientist 's suggestion.
Of course if we can't think of something to change Kabuto's mind, I'm inclined to just say "nope" and go adopt some other career medical researcher. There's got to be others, if Kabuto is the "top" one. We can just adopt the second-place medic researcher.
Noumero
Omit Needless Words
Note our personal interest in research, the unique opportunity presented to us by the Basement, and our natural interest in expanding our Clan's power. Suggest that the natural solution for us is to establish a Gouketsu-centred research institution, which would simultaneously exploit the opportunity, further research, and extend our Clan's influence. Inform him that his offer is diametrically opposed to that goal; reject it on the spot, with much regret.
Our preferred way forward thus denied, think aloud about the alternatives: cooperating with Tsunade on purely humanitarian work, or establishing a brand-new joint Gouketsu-Nara/Mori research institution. Lament the idea, but state that you'll make it work if you have to.
Is there really no chance he'll agree to being adopted? Offer him a revised adoption offer: doubled funding plus a commitment to find him a number of apprentices who wouldn't balk at Level Seven research plus a promise to use the conditional pardon for Orochimaru we hold to offset whatever potential reputational hit he would suffer from joining us.
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That's a good start.
We should obviously also remind him that he's not the only option. Even if all the other medical researchers are clan (press "x" to doubt), it's still possible to adopt clan ninja if you get an agreement with their clan head.
I wonder if we could trade with Shikamaru for a Nara medic. Maybe offering him some-but-not-all of the medical research in exchange? It would be a good deal, we can get medics anywhere but a Nara researcher is preferable to a non-Nara if our first choice of Kabuto is off the table. Meanwhile, we have a total monopoly on the basement, so sharing, say, C-ranked secrets with the Nara is a pretty decent deal from Shikamaru's perspective.
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
*channels deity of wordcount optimization*
[X] Action Plan: You Feel Your SINS Crawling Down Your Back
WC: 285
Check the following with relevant members of the family.
Incorporate feedback and optimizations as necessary.
Immediately:
Noburi:
Mari:
Hazou and Kagome:
[X] Action Plan: You Feel Your SINS Crawling Down Your Back
WC: 285
Check the following with relevant members of the family.
Incorporate feedback and optimizations as necessary.
Immediately:
- Discreetly seal away Orochimaru's personal journal and the used cannibal seal into a random storage seal comprising Jiraiya's Epic Sealing Library.
- No one would dare.
- Agree to Kabuto's proposal more or less, given Mari's go ahead.
Noburi:
- Take the remaining stuff to Kabuto to research all this dastardly stuff jointly with him.
- Take a 2 million ryo budget advance. Expect more later.
Mari:
- Lets take a break from intense politicking at the moment.
- Suggestions on what to do instead:
- Go give that Haruno girl some tips at genjutsu. Help her out.
- Go have fun with Anko for some R&R.
- Read some books with Keiko.
- Confide in Mari about Zabuza flashbacks.
- Is this sort of thing normal?
Hazou and Kagome:
- It is time to test some explosives.
- Preparation:
- Create a container that we can place an implosion seal in that won't rupture when the air rushes in. Laminate it first for protection? Sandwich it between MEW plates?
- Activate the implosion seal on the maximum timer and/or have earth clones do it.
- Close the container.
- Repeat until we have a couple dozen pre-filled implosion seals.
- Testing.
- Prepare 5SB reinforced blast shielding.
- Detonate the filled implosion seals in groups of increasing amounts, starting at one and escalating until the kill radius is large enough that you should stop for safety concerns before going further.
- Preparation:
- Fund KEI missions:
- Misc Till-n-fills.
- Scout out the following around Fire (draw rough maps):
- Village locations.
- Chakra beast-dense areas.
- Check on-- and possibly reseal (donate many Earth Domes to be used on this regardless)-- the Rift.
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Is there anything specific you had in mind about Tsunade?