Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
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- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
Akatsunami
The Bonetatoist
- Location
- Brazil
You can do it still, I believe in you!
- Location
- The Deep Blue Sea
Yes. Definitely. You should definitely do that. Especially around Kagome. And Inoichi. And Hiashi. Ideally all at once.
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
Putting Kagome in the same room as those two? Are you mad?!
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
We could inform them we are going to prank them in the upcoming days.
Deliver all sorts of terrible vengeance upon everyone else, but do nothing to them.
They will be so sad we forgot them.They might even cry. A great prank!
Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
We already did this once to Noburi though so I doubt it will work again.
I wonder if we could play up Shikamaru as the mastermind and Hazō as the 'master' diplomat?
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
I would like to actually interact with Shin again. He can be an extremely useful asset, and we can potentially advance his career (Wouldnt you like to go on a diplomatic mission to Leaf? We can mention this to Jiraiya and Auntie Ren. etc.)
Even if we cannot deliver on that, we can probably bluff him into believing we can. At the very least, theres no reason for any hostility between us, and he would probably rather enjoy the benefits of our friendship than our enmity.
Even if we cannot deliver on that, we can probably bluff him into believing we can. At the very least, theres no reason for any hostility between us, and he would probably rather enjoy the benefits of our friendship than our enmity.
Origami Clock
Right twice a day
- Location
- Brighton, UK
On the other hand, he's an arsehole who think's we're a double traitor and has precommitted to proving to us that our most fundamental ideals are useless utopian fanstasies that he will relish grinding to dust before our eyes.
The opportunity costs of converting him are not worth the investment required. Hazō needs to get poked over philosophical problems more anyway, or else he'll not be in shape for when he and Pein have their dramatic debate over present v future utility as a last chance to avert a MAD scenario that will leave the elemental nations a smouldering crater.
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Interlude: Chosen for the Grave, Part 15
"Team Uplift, meet your—"
"Shut up, you stupid stinker!"
The Toad Sage, two ANBU, me, Val, and Oli blinked. Akane and Hazō looked alarmed, Noburi rolled his eyes, Keiko sighed, and Mari's smile didn't change even slightly as she turned to her wild-eyed teammate.
"Kagome, be nice," she said. "Jiraiya has been very courteous with us, we should give him the same respect. I'm sure he's got a reason for introducing these people."
"They look stupid," Kagome said grumpily. "Bunch of stupid stinkers, probably get us all killed."
"Let's at least give them a chance, okay?"
Kagome started to say something else, then sat back, resigned. The look on his face set alarm bells going in my head, but I couldn't localize the reason.
"As I was saying," Jiraiya continued, "I'd like to introduce you to your creators."
I swore, very privately, that I would find a way to make Jiraiya suffer eternally. Well, okay, not eternally—'infinite punishment for finite crime' is pretty immoral and I like to think of myself as better than the kind of person who would do that. Still, twenty, maybe twenty-five years? Didn't seem unreasonable.
Wait, make it thirty. That smug grin was worth five all by itself.
"Hi," Oli said with a brightness that I knew him well enough to know was forced. "Nice to meet you guys. I'm Oli, this is Earl and Val."
"Hey."
"Hello."
"Stupid stinking names," Kagome grumbled. "You'll see. They'll kill us all. Not me, though. They won't get me."
The terrifying tween with the dead eyes and too many knives strapped to her body studied us for a moment, completely ignoring Kagome, then turned to Jiraiya. "What do you mean, 'creators'?"
"Funny story," Jiraiya said, leaning back in his chair and putting his feet up on his desk. He folded hands across his stomach and showed a smile that added a full thirty years to his sentence in the Judgemental Fires of Appropriate Punishment. "These three are from another world. They're writers, and they dreamed us all into existence."
"Actually, it's probably more of a multiversal windowing slash anthropic principle sort of thing—" I began, but then Jiraiya glowered at me and I fell silent. Partially because the glower was threatening and partially because I was having a wicked sinus headache.
"Why are you telling us this?" Mari asked. Her voice was serious but remarkably free of existential horror. I was also surprised at how closely it matched my mental image of how she would sound.
Jiraiya shrugged one shoulder. "What does it matter? Half the intelligence services on the continent know their story already and the other half are just lazy."
"Sir," Hazō said carefully. "When you say they 'dreamed us into existence'—"
He stopped talking as my grunt of pain distracted him; my headache had spiked wickedly.
Jiraiya seemed oblivious to my suffering. "Yeah, I know. Wild, right? Anyway, they're from another world. They wrote a story there called 'Chosen for the Grave', which was all about our world. Paint me blue and call me chowder if they didn't get all the details right."
"Very funny, sir," Noburi said. At this point in the timeline he wasn't as good at socials as he would be in later chapters, so the snark in his voice didn't have the self-assurance that would have really sold it. "Who are they really?"
"I'm not kidding," Jiraiya said. He paused, glancing at me as I whimpered and pressed a hand hard against my forehead. "You okay there, Earl?"
"No," I grunted. "My head is about to explode."
He laughed. "Look, if you don't want me to tell them that you are the author of all their pain, that's no big thing. I mean, sure, you're responsible for everything that tore Keiko away from Ami, and Noburi away from his sisters, and Hazō away from his mo—"
I collapsed to the floor, both hands pressed tight against my head as I tried to physically hold my skull together, or perhaps squeeze it back together if the jackhammer of my pulse had already ruptured it. At this point I couldn't tell. I wanted to call out for help but the slightest movement or sound, even one as soft as the screams of the void around us, made everything worse so instead I made the calmly reasoned choice to devote all my attention to breathing since that was really what was needed right now.
"Has he got the plague?" Mari asked, stepping back.
"No," Jiraiya said, frowning and taking his feet off the desk. "Sunny said he was sick, but...." He paused, standing up and completely ignoring the growling of spacetime as he looked around the room. "There's...." He frowned. "Cat, take Earl to the hospital and tell Sunny to get with him." He turned back to Mari as the feline-masked ANBU pulled me to my feet. "So, are you actually here to sell us skywalkers like they said?"
"YOU GO TOO FAR, LOATHESOME LITTLE TOAD!!!"
The bladed arm of a god tore through the fabric of reality and scythed across the room. Through waves of red-limned agony I watched it approach, phasing through objects and ripping humans to shreds. One claw caught Mari in the face and mulched her head. Another took Hazō in the chest; he essentially exploded. Keiko happened to be standing between the claws but the impact folded her body up the wrong way with a sickening squelch. Jiraiya got hit by two in the belly and one in the throat; there was nothing left but hamburger.
The last thing I saw was the monomolecular tip of a claw piercing my eyeball as all of reality was torn asunder around us.
The End
There will be no voting. @Velorien will write the most recent plan on Thursday.
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
I dont really care about converting him to our worldview. Perhaps he wont be a useful asset if he opposes us on principle and/or out of spite though.
Glad to see someone is thinking nonlinearly!
- Location
- Yes.
Kagome died?
Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
- Location
- Europa, Jupiter Orbit
Huh. He may not have. To revise: Other than Kagome witnessing everyone die to the hand of some powerful entity, did anything change?
- Location
- Poland
- Pronouns
- He/Him
One thing.
This line changed to
that one.
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
???
I'm confused. What are you guys talking about?
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
Oh, sorry, that was nonsensical of me.. Must be the caffeine withdrawal.
Carry on then.
- Location
- Europe
It's part of the MfD Player docs, sorry you're not permitted to view them.
Chapter 229: Reflection in the Mist
- Location
- The Deep Blue Sea
Hazō laid with his back to the embers of Uplift's cooking fire, eyes locked on the shapeless darkness around him. He wasn't technically on watch - that's what the escort was for, after all, the contestants were supposed to be resting so they could be in top form - but old habits die hard.
Not that the habit was really all that old. He'd spent six times as long living in Mist with Momma as he had in the wilderness, for all that time had felt interminable. It was just that living as prey demanded you adapt, and change, and compromise much more deeply than living in civilization.
Thoughts of compromise brought him right back to the beginning of the circle his mind had been spinning in for the last couple hours - his conversation with Jiraiya.
What does it even mean to have a lot of self?
Had he been putting parts of himself aside without even realizing it? It didn't feel like it, but if he'd already done it enough, maybe he wouldn't even know?
And you want to develop a jōnin aura fast why? So you can weaponize it like you weaponize everything you lay hands on?
That part stung every time he thought about it. Not terribly, but a little, that a man who had seen as much death as his adopted father could still sound reproachful about what might, in truth, be Hazō's greatest talent.
Maybe that's just my self, huh Jiraiya? he thought with a hint of bitterness. Scared?
You're going to have to become who you think you are, all the way from the outer layers of your mind to the uncharted depths where nameless horrors dwell. And yes, become horribly screwed up in the process, his memory of Jiraiya answered right back.
And that, Hazō admitted to himself with a grimace, might be something worthy of even the Fifth Hokage's fear.
I once knew a man who'd dedicated himself to the protection of Leaf to the point where nothing else existed for him. If you could be used to protect Leaf, he would use you. If you were a threat to Leaf, he would remove you. That was the sum total of his world.
Was that who Hazō wanted to become? Not just for Leaf, but for the whole world? Was that someone worth becoming? And if not, who was worth becoming?
So far he'd made a name for himself looking at things upside down and sideways to how most people saw them, and using that to move along paths others didn't see. Was that enough to build a self on, or was it still too small? If it was too small, would it be enough to just apply it to everything? The clan, the tournament, the alliance, Uplift, bigger and bigger every time, never faltering, never compromising?
Wrong answer. Words like a knife through the back of his spine.
Jiraiya had already said willing things to happen wasn't going to cut it. Planning on becoming strong enough wasn't going to cut it.
Get as close to the core as words will get you, and all you see is 'I am.'
This was going to take a lot more thinking. Hazō turned his back on the darkness, and forced himself to sleep.
-o-o-
The streets of Mist were much busier than during the preliminary events. The tournament didn't even start until tomorrow, but already the festive atmosphere was intoxicating. Shops had set up fenced-off areas and stalls jutting into streets and alleyways, waving bright flags and paper lanterns to draw the attention of customers. Hazō spotted Mist nin wearing completely impractical bright blue uniforms out in force on the rooftops, sometimes wearing clan flags on their backs, a clear warning against troublemakers. The ninja on real policing duty were, of course, disguised among the crowds - Team Uplift made a little game of trying to pick them out, though they could only definitively spot a couple.
After settling into their bunks and sweeping for traps, seals, peep-holes, and Kozu bodyparts, Noburi volunteered to get in touch with the foreign contestants while Hazō and Keiko contacted their Chivalrous friends. The pair changed into nondescript civilian garb, hid knives up their sleeves, put their hair up, and hopped out a window.
...
"There's no way we might get in touch with our dear uncle in the next day or so?"
"No. Major events like the tournament are always a very great demand on his time." Hazō was pretty sure the Oyabun's secretary hadn't blinked since he and Keiko walked in the door.
"I see." Hazō frowned. "Perhaps we could leave a letter?"
"I will not stop you, but I cannot offer any guarantee he will see it soon. Certainly not within a day."
Hazō prevented himself from grimacing. "A moment then, please." He withdrew a storage seal from his day-pack, placed it on her desk, and pulled a box of writing materials into existence.
"I find myself wondering if you might be able to answer one or two of our questions, given your position," Keiko stated mildly as Hazō scribed.
"I am happy to help friends of the Chivalrous Organization however I may," the secretary replied just as mildly, her lighter brown eyes meeting Keiko's darker without flinching.
Keiko's nose twitched in a tiny allergic reaction to social bullshit, but she forged bravely on. "If a ninja wished to make it clear to someone working for your organization during the tournament festivities that she were friendly, are there things she might say or do to inform them she was not there to cut them out of their revenue?"
"I do apologize ma'am, I am afraid this lowly secretary is not aware of any broadly-accepted secret signs. Informational security, I'm sure you understand."
"Unfortunate," Keiko remarked. "We should rejoin our brother. Please let our honored uncle know the Chivalrous Organization is frequently in our thoughts."
She spun on her heel, Hazō following after leaving behind a politely-worded inquiry into sharing gambling profits.
...
Noburi reported in a huff that the competitors from Hot Springs seemed to really not give a shit about the attempt at an apology, and he hadn't managed to catch the eye of the cute one from the trio of Sand girls. But more pressingly....
"What do you mean Doigama isn't here?" Hazō asked incredulously.
"I didn't think it was that complicated a sentence," Noburi quipped.
"He will be replaced by one of the Mist contestants who made places seventeen through nineteen," Keiko mused. "Mist may have applied pressure or given concessions to Wolf to keep Doigama out of the tournament, to avoid the embarrassment of hosting an event in which none of their nin are participating."
"Not that it'll help them much, since their contestant is going to be up against Shikamaru in round one," replied Noburi. "Check it out." He pulled out a sheet of parchment with a bracket on it. The others took a moment to assess it.
"Lucky you, when Hyūga kicks your ass you'll have an excuse to feel a woman's touch," observed Hazō.
"Don't make me hand her and Yamanaka a couple of your surveys," Noburi warned. "If I were you I'd rather focus on the fact that Keiko will be crushing you in round two."
"Only if we both win," Keiko pointed out, her eyes still distant. "Kashiwagi is a technique hacker and ranged fighter, and Kotsuzui's bloodline is supposed to make his clan into terrifying close range fighters. The Mizukage's office could hardly have paired us with better matches if they tried."
Hazō chewed his lip for a long second. "Blood Element users are supposed to heal fast, right? I wonder how that interacts with explosives."
-o-o-
Jiraiya had thrown him to the wolves.
Worse, one of the wolves was wearing a Leaf headband.
And they were all getting drunk.
"I can't help but notice the forces you've dropped of in the Nari Isles, my dear and steadfast ally of the Village Hidden Under the Mountain," a reddening Yamanaka Inoichi said too-loudly to Kotokoro, Sand's diplomatic envoy to the First International Uplifting Game Night (Working Title).
"But of course," she answered with a smile that crinkled her fluttering eyes, the only part of her face visible above the loose cloth that wrapped her neck and chin. She briefly flashed a card indicating a Bonus Mission. "We got reports of chakra-shark schools harassing the ports there, you see. And we do so value keeping our mutually beneficial trade ties to Hidden Volcano open."
"Aaaaand that moves the turn to Hidden Lumber," Hazō said, cutting in on the ensuing uneasy quiet of the private dining room.
"Yes!" Rock's representative Namazu proclaimed. The man had singlehandedly drunk as much as any two other competitors. "My master plan is beginning to take effect!" He casually tossed a handful of dice in Hazō's direction for the Game Master to count up.
"It is indeed! With that roll, the Village Hidden in the Chakra Pumpkin declares its official support for Hidden Lumber at the next Summit two rounds from now. Local skirmishing will continue until then - all military actions except Hidden Lumber's take a penalty die."
The table met this announcement with unanimous groaning.
"Jerkface!" Kotokoro declared, standing up and leveling an accusing finger, her blonde hair flowing behind her dramatically. "We were supposed to work together! How'd you do it without the reinforcements from Nari?!"
"I'd have loved to ally with you openly for the extra dice, it would have been a lot faster," Namazu admitted. "But Kurosawa would have assumed we were setting things up to drive up her food import costs! And then she would have stopped us from doing it! Unacceptable."
The Mist representative, who Hazō still wasn't sure of his relation to, raised an eyebrow very deliberately. "You should have access to all the modifier cards on Hidden Chakra Pumpkin now that they've declared for you. Have you looked them over yet?"
Namazu glanced down at his hand and flicked through them briefly, then froze. "You wouldn't."
"Would."
"You didn't."
"Did."
"AUGH!" Namazu threw a Suicide Sealing Cult card into the middle of the table for everyone to examine. "You! Miniature Kurosawa! You helped her set this up!"
The faux-pas triggered a flurry of tiny glances around the table.
"...Gōketsu," Hazō replied carefully. "My name is Gōketsu Hazō, and the Game Master's job is to be impartial, and you would do well to remember both of those things."
More glances, and twitching faces. Hazō couldn't hope to follow. He felt like he was drowning, and all the fanged fish in the sea were sitting back and watching it happen.
Inoichi clapped him on the back with a hearty laugh, breaking him out of his reverie. "Don't take things so seriously, kid. I know you aren't the most social guy around, but these things happen when diplomats get drunk, nobody takes it seriously. I'll have Ino teach you a thing or two about it when we get back to Leaf."
The man's scarred face was suddenly inches from Hazō's, his breath clogging the back of Hazō's nostrils. "You'd like that, hmm? Some time alone with my precious darling baby girl?"
Hazō was pretty sure he heard something in his brain grinding to dust, until he realized it was Kotokoro suppressing her laughter behind her hand of cards. Everyone joined her a moment later, and the room was force-marched back to an atmosphere of friendly competition.
Hazō started breathing again. It was going to be a loooong evening.
FP +1
XP +3
Concision XP +1
We pulled a slight sneaky on ya. I had the day free, so VOTING IS NOW OPEN and will close on Wednesday as usual for @Velorien to write Thursday's update
Last edited:
- Location
- Europe
Shikaku: "Did Hazou just make friends with diplomats? I am scared of the Kurosawa clan, quick let's edo tensei Tobirama, I can't deal with this shit."
Also lol Ren bullied Wolf out of the tournament, I would never let her live this down.
Also lol Ren bullied Wolf out of the tournament, I would never let her live this down.