- Location
- America
Jiraiya knows what his relationship with Orochimaru is. He doesn't need Hazou to remind him that his teammate exists.
Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
I have been reading some interludes and various commentary on them from a while ago.
So:
1) Lupchanzen are almost certainly Zetsu. Forgot who made this comment actually. @ContextBot perhaps you?
2) Sealing Failures can propagate backwards through time.
3) @faflec has been trying to get a Death of Hiruzen Sarutobi interlude going for a year and a half (likely much longer) now.
4) My personal shipping graphs are no longer acyclic and undirected. The subtle romance interactions between these characters are truly prodigious.
So:
1) Lupchanzen are almost certainly Zetsu. Forgot who made this comment actually. @ContextBot perhaps you?
2) Sealing Failures can propagate backwards through time.
3) @faflec has been trying to get a Death of Hiruzen Sarutobi interlude going for a year and a half (likely much longer) now.
4) My personal shipping graphs are no longer acyclic and undirected. The subtle romance interactions between these characters are truly prodigious.
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Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
It was me, IIRC.
Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
Yeah, well, I want to meet him. He's got a lot to offer irrespective of what he has to offer Leaf with respect to Naruto.
Omake: The Iron Sharingan Snake
Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
Eh, I am sure we can work around these constraints somehow.
Omake: The Iron Sharingan Snake
"Aunt Ren, I have come to officially ask you for the hand of Kurosawa Shin."
The Mizukage did not startle for she was Kurosawa. Also, she hadn't had reason to use the 'Eyebrow of Kian: Are you mocking me or are you genuine?' in quite a while. "Hello to you, too, nephew."
"So uh, is that a yes? This is really important to me", Hazo repeated.
Aunt Ren stood and casually strode closer to him. Did he miscalculate? He was pretty sure his status as the soon-to-be reinstated heir of the Kurosawa clan would let him get away with this request. His uncle would be so disappointed if he failed here since it would ruin such a great bonding moment. He also really didn't want to get slapped by a reigning Kage - again - for being stupid, family or not.
Fortunately, she stopped within arms length of Hazo. Unfortunately, she did put her hand on his shoulder. "Well, I suppose we could make this work. In fact, it might help reintigrating you into the clan and as long as you produce heirs for the clan, I don't see why the elders would oppose me on this."
"Uh", Hazo replied intelligently. He had a feeling he missed a spot check but why was she bringing up heirs at all? All he wanted was the hand. For Science.
"Of course, we would have to coordinate with your mother but having the wedding right after the end of the tournament would definitely send a signal to the conservative bloc that I needed. Thank you, Hazo.", she actually smiled at him now.
"That's nice, Auntie. Who are you marrying though?"
"..."
"..."
"Nephew, what exactly did you mean when you asked me for Shin's hand?"
"Well, you see, my uncle and I - we recently met, you know and he is such a cool guy, he even showed me his snake and IT. WAS. HUGE. - were wondering if we could reverse the change of the Iron Nerve disappearing if someone, hypothetically, awakened the Sharingan. We decided on dissecting a live Kurosawa hand to study the anatomy so we could come up with a way to artificially reintroduce Iron Nerve specific nerve clusters should they disappear. Our theory is that your body already knows where those clusters should go since they were around for years so this should be easier than it sounds.
"But don't worry! Uncle said it would be easy to put the hand back with no permanent damage lasting longer than a few months but, uh, since I am in the tournament and Shin is not, I didn't let my uncle touch me just yet so Shin is the perfect target for our research. Also, now that I think about it, could you also spare one of the Kurosawas who have awakened the Sharingan? I know they are supposed to be secret and all but just think about it: if we had access to that and Shin, our success rate would go up tremendously."
"Hazo?"
"Yes, Aunt Ren?"
"Get out."
"Yes, Aunt Ren!"
E:
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zap lunch
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- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
I see you have grasped a fundamental principle of Naruto canon.
In canon, it does not. Summons exist in the same world as you, and summoning is just teleportation that follows weird rules.
Edo Tensei requires a prepared sacrifice to serve as a body. Presumably you wouldn't be able to arrange those in the Pure Land.
Now that I think of it, Minato took half of the Nine-Tails to the Pure Land with him, it stayed sealed inside him, and he was able to bring it back with him (as a normal, living sealed Beast) when summoned. DYK.
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
Yep!
"Not so fast, Velorien!" Shouted a smirking Kishimoto.
Minato didnt go to the Pure Land upon death. He died sacrificing his life to the Shinigami using the Shiki Fujin to seal the both halves of the 9 Tails into their respective hosts, and as such resided in the Shinigamis stomach until Canon! Snek Uncle and Sasuke et all jailbroke him and 3 other Leafy Lads in the Fourth Shinobi World War. The half sealed with him was along for the ride.
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- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Good point. UYK.
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
"Up yours Kishimoto"?
Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
Jiraiya and Kagome talking about the latter's Implosion seals. Might come handy for Round 2, especially the defense against tunnelers.
- Location
- Yes.
"Probably won't hurt them" is not very comforting.
Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
So run a quick test at the end of R1 with a clone tunneling under in the same way we expect the enemy genins to do it.
Interlude: Boys Suck
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Interlude: Boys Suck
Akane hadn't planned to spend the evening socialising. Her original plan, after that conversation with Hazō, had been to find some dark, quiet corner, and wait for the gnawing emptiness to retreat enough so she could act like a reliable teammate again. Haru and Sakura were suffering in their own ways right now, and what they needed wasn't a self-absorbed teen bemoaning the loss of her first love. She would offer them unconditional support, now more than ever, and she didn't need to be happy as long as she still had a place in the world.
Ino had instantly vetoed the whole thing.
Instead, she'd snatched a pair of victims from their dinner and training respectively, booked out an entire inn (ever so helpfully reminding Akane of the gap between clan heirs and people like her), and announced the commencement of the first ever Leaf Genin Girls' Night Out.
"Not that I mind so much," Sakura said, studying the grand hall which was all theirs for the night while sitting comfortably at the table by the fireplace which in every inn was reserved for the regulars, "but is there a reason we're doing this now, in the middle of hostile territory right before an event?"
"We're doing this because that loser Gōketsu has finally crossed the line and forced poor, innocent Akane here to dump his ass," Ino explained. "I hereby call this meeting of the Leaf Genin Girls to order, and invite you all to join me in our traditional cheer.
"Boys suck!"
"Boys suck!"
"Boys suck."
"Why am I here?"
...
Akane turned to Tenten and gave her a reassuring smile. "I invited you because we still don't know each other that well, and I thought this might be a good opportunity to start doing something about that." It was worth doing for its own sake, in principle, and unless Akane missed her guess about Keiko, befriending Tenten was going to be a very good idea for the future as well. Besides, it was that or let Ino choose a fourth member, and Akane didn't have the energy for the shenanigans that would inevitably result.
Would Akane still be part of Keiko's life after today? Or Noburi's? Or Mari-sensei's?
"Since you're not in the running anymore," Ino added with her usual tact, "there's no harm in you finding out stuff about Gōketsu that might be useful as leverage further down the line. Unlike Hinata, which is why she's not here even though she's good fun to be around when she lets her hair down."
Tenten gave her a pointed look.
"Me? Please. Like I'd exploit my BFF for tactical advantage, and Shikamaru can go fuck himself if he starts getting any ideas. Besides, Yamanaka Ino here. You think I need insider info to have Gōketsu wrapped around my little finger?
"Whatever. Get with the program already, Tenten. You're on a team with Hyūga Neji and Rock Lee."
Tenten considered her words for a moment.
"Boys suck!"
"Damn straight. Now the formalities are concluded, time for you to spill the beans, Akane. Exactly what should I be kicking that loser's ass for?"
Akane took a moody sip of the horrifically overpriced something-or-other Ino had ordered for the table. "He gave away my secret trump card, just like that, as if it was his own property."
"What?!" Ino stared, aghast. "You mean you hadn't given him permission to do that? Holy shit, if Shikamaru ever did that with one of mine, I'd borrow one of those Akimichi sausage slicers and go right for his—"
"Whoa," Sakura held up her hands. "Pure-hearted maiden here. I do not need that visual in my head."
"Sausage slicers have limited applications," Tenten agreed. "Use Form T-24 to requisition T&I equipment."
Dead silence.
"I have a catalogue," Tenten offered.
"Tenten," Sakura asked slowly, "why do you have a T&I catalogue?"
"Available on request from the main office," Tenten said.
"Let me rephrase," Sakura said. "Why do you have a T&I catalogue?"
"Optimised for non-lethal incapacitation," Tenten said as if it was obvious. "Kunai are imprecise."
"Ooooh-kaaay," Ino said carefully. "Let's just leave this topic for our nightmares and get back to Gōketsu. You want me to wipe the floor with him in the next event, Akane?"
"No," Akane said quickly. This wasn't about revenge. She hated to think how much Hazō must be hurting right now. Hated herself for being the cause. Wished she could take it all back, but of course that was wishful thinking. It wouldn't make the problem go away.
"No," she repeated. "This was just… a symptom. A thing that was going to happen sooner or later. Sometimes people just don't work out together."
Ino sighed. "Have I ever told you you're too much of a goody-two-shoes?"
"Every day."
"I know how you feel," Sakura said. "When Sasuke got transferred to Team Kakashi, it was like my heart had been torn out and taken with him, even though it had been obvious for years that nothing was going to happen."
"Yeah."
Ino leaned forward, and Akane felt alarm at the glint in her eye. That was the look of an Ino who was about to lighten the mood without thinking about the implications of what she was saying.
"Maybe you should have a quick foreign fling while you're here, just to take your mind off things so you're not obsessing over him while you're both stuck in the same building. There's a kid from Rice who's blatantly been giving you the eye—I swear that whole mature-but-approachable older girl thing you've got going is like catnip to boys. Or you could go for one of those Team Bloodrage thugs. They may all be nuts, but Hashirama's gigantic wood, have you seen how ripped they are? Mmm, yes please."
Akane gave her an incredulous look.
"No? Then how about some overdue lesbian experimentation? Bagsy not it, but otherwise that would be so cool!"
"Cool?" Tenten gazed at Ino with Laser Element focus, her eyes wide. Sitting next to her, Akane could see her hands tighten under the table. Called it.
"Sure," Ino grinned obliviously. "Come on, we've all read the novels. Tawdry encounters in scandalous boudoirs! A lily garden whose fragrant petals conceal a thousand secrets! Heartrending passion as kunoichi put their lives on the line in the name of forbidden love! It's the perfect cure for our terminally strait-laced heroine."
"I-I haven't," Tenten said.
"Haven't what? Had overdue lesbian experimentation?" Ino asked in a teasing voice.
Tenten blanched. "Readthenovels!"
Akane wondered if there was some gentle, non-intrusive way to have a talk with Tenten about OPSEC. In some ways, she was worse than Hazō.
Hazō.
"I'll ask Keiko if I can borrow some for you," Akane said to divert both the other girls' attention and her own.
"K-Keiko reads them?!" Tenten squeaked.
First-name terms. Akane wondered whether they'd officially moved to those or whether it was a panic-induced slip of the tongue, but either way, Keiko's feelings were definitely being returned.
The glow of happiness was tainted by a touch of fear. She didn't ever want those two to go through this.
More immediately, Tenten was going to get a lot of leeway from the other girls thanks to her well-attested poor social skills, but at this rate Ino would have one of her terrible flashes of intuition and things would get complicated. Akane had to keep the focus off the poor girl.
"She doesn't read them," she said with a fond smile. "She very loudly and explicitly doesn't read them, even if nobody suggested that she did."
"Aah," Sakura nodded knowingly. "I used to be like that. I got good at," she blinked, "using disguise kits just so I could buy them without strangers seeing me do it. But then eventually one day I thought, screw it—own your interests! Back when the Hokage was just this pervy old man who came to Leaf to ogle women in the public baths, I nearly asked him to sign my copy of Snake Oil. I actually got as far as taking it out of my bag before I chickened out."
Akane had to admit that she didn't get as excited about the novels as the other girls did. Sure, she'd read a few—it was practically a rite of passage—but the plots all revolved around people making (in retrospect) easily avoidable bad decisions and then struggling to cope with the consequences, with dramatic coincidences to shake things up whenever it seemed like the situation was getting too stable. Also, they tended to focus too much on the troubled characters at the expense of the emotionally healthier ones.
Then again, maybe love was about coping with the fallout of bad decisions. She just hadn't known they were bad until it was too late.
And speaking of bad decisions, she'd just volunteered to go talk to Keiko about a subject Keiko found very uncomfortable. No matter what Keiko said, they were friends—after everything they'd been through together, the bond would be there whether she wanted it or not. But even if Akane's break-up with Hazō hadn't cost her that friendship, even if Keiko didn't decide it was easier to cut off relations with somebody who had hurt her brother and whose worldview repelled hers like a pair of lodestones, she couldn't guarantee that Keiko wouldn't drop a pangolin on her simply for asking. Apparently today was the day Akane joined the ranks of the Hokage's characters and put her relationships in hard mode by her own hand.
"For the record," Akane moved to change the topic, "there is not going to be any lesbian experimentation. Boys may suck, but I personally am stuck with them. Can we move on?"
"Boring," Ino grumbled unconvincingly. "Fine, let's have some hot chocolate"—Akane would never be able to casually afford four people's worth of hot chocolate—"and share the latest from the grapevine. For a start, Miyuki was scouting one of the training areas earlier, and you won't believe what she saw Yumi doing with that stud from Team Chinin…"
The gnawing emptiness was still there. Akane didn't know how long it would take to go away, or if it ever would. But as she let the other girls' friendly chatter wash over her, she decided that she would follow Ino's lead. She would step out from the dark and quiet place, and amidst the brightness and the noise, she would look for a way to be youthful without him.
- Location
- Yes.
*rolls eyes in hivemind-bloodline*
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
The circumstances behind the present arrangement are left to the reader's imagination but should not be difficult to infer.
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
Hazou can hear the news and have his breakdown after he gets into the top 16. Preferably through a third party who can keep Hazou from going into denial without antagonizing him and making it even worse. Of course, that person is
- Location
- Yes.
Kagome would be the best bet IMO. He's got good experience with breakups.
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Rock Lee, you say? What a fascinating idea. Yes, Rock Lee giving dating advice to a Hazō desperate enough to listen to it. We can work with this.
Noumero
Omit Needless Words
Fixed that for you.
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
What have I done?