- Location
- Omniverse #1345
Actually convincing a boss summon to let themselves be summoned by a human teenager.
Conjura was willing for revenge. We do not have anywhere near as strong a motivator.
Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard open voting
Conjura was willing for revenge. We do not have anywhere near as strong a motivator.
- Location
- The Void
- Pronouns
- She/Her
So we pay whatever we need to. Whatever deal it takes is fine
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
"Yamanaka Ino, I challenge you to a romantic relationship!"
- Location
- Omniverse #1345
No, see, this is still making a silly assumption. You are assuming it is possible to pay them enough. I am not nearly so easily convinced that a boss summon would degrade themselves by allowing themselves to be summoned by such a weak human.
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
And, like, we have a finite amount of money and resources. I wouldn't trade away the Goketsu fortune and Jiraiya's legacy just for a 'summon Gamabunta once' card. The idea that we can pay whatever they want us to pay and that it'll be worth it to us is a huge assumption imo.
- Location
- Yes.
The smart thing to do, methinks, is to appropriate Ami's plan for the Pangolin-Toad-Condor-everyoneelse alliance and use that as leverage to get the contract.
Of course, we have no idea what the Toads think of summoner!Noburi, and so have no idea how well that would work. Let's focus on having Noburi survive his first Summoning and go from there.
Of course, we have no idea what the Toads think of summoner!Noburi, and so have no idea how well that would work. Let's focus on having Noburi survive his first Summoning and go from there.
- Location
- Liverpool
I, on the other hand, have a problem with that "at any price" statement, considering the entire arc with the pangolin blood money expansion.
- Location
- Potato land
That... sounds like something Ino would actually like. Ami, too, for that matter.
- Location
- The state of Paranoia
What would the objective be? Trying to make the other fall in love with them?
- Location
- Omniverse #1345
We cannot offer either of those right now. You aren't so much putting the cart before the horse as you are building a cart with brick wheels while considering a theoretical horse that may or may not even exist as already yours.
redzonejoe
Vaguely Pastafarian
- Location
- Canada
Hmm, I'm not sure how that helps us beat Ino in a romantic relationship, but keep going
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Would you be challenging Ino to make Ami fall in love with her, or vice versa?
Actually, challenge both of them, in secret from each other. Then sit back and watch, ideally with honeyed nuts.
Edit: Of course, when they inevitably get together, the truth will out, and they will combine forces to counter-prank you, at which point you may as well turn missing-nin again.
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- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Quick suggestion? Instead of "We can't do that right now and you're foolish for suggesting it", which is pretty rude, try one of these templates:
"We can't do that right now, but we could if we first...."
"We can't do that right now and I would prefer that instead of focusing on that plan we instead..."
- Location
- Potato land
Purely hypothetically, what kind of boon would you be willing to bestow upon a player who could engineer this exact situation for you to write an update about?
redzonejoe
Vaguely Pastafarian
- Location
- Canada
No no no, see, you're not pointing the one at the other. Originally, it's supposed to be Hazo vs Ino, OR Hazo vs Ami in this romantic competition.
Instead, it's Hazo manipulating the challenge(s, secretly and independently) so that the result is a competition where each is trying to both seduce Hazo and disrupt the other.
Theoretically, Hazo should be trying to seduce them in turn as per the rules of the competition, but in reality he'd just sit back and enjoy two women fighting over him
Until they realize and work together to kill him, of course. That part is inevitable. If Hazo is extremely lucky (read: has Mori's help) he may get to enjoy a couple updates though.
Edit: actually I'm assuming the initial premise is each challenging the other. "Hey Ino, I bet I can seduce you before you seduce me" type of deal. Upon consideration, I'm wondering if the rules might make more sense of it were "Hey Ino, I bet I can seduce target X before you" deal instead.
Though sexual orientation might present an unfair advantage depending on the target. So perhaps "I can seduce X before you seduce Y" would be even better, though that introduces a whole bunch of new variables. I guess agreeing on the targets would be as important to the competition as the actual attempt, similar to the importance of drafting before a sport is actually played.
Edit 2: however the details end up, I'm sure the whole competition can be messed up wonderfully by challenging multiple people at once and/or selecting certain interesting targets
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- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Name it and it is yours; the resulting intra-ISC drama alone would fuel a subplot.
Disclaimer: I'm speaking only for myself, so it would have to be a boon that appeals to all three of us.
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
HAZOU: I'm going to go have fun!
MARI: Well, he either gets it from me, or he gets it from his father... either way, he comes by it honestly.
SHIKAMARU: Do what you want, don't involve me.
TENTEN: This is a bad idea.
AKANE (eagerly): Oh, but imagine the fireworks!
KAGOME: Those are explosions, though?
YUNO (cheerfully): And the tormented wails of a damned soul!
INO: We know what you're doing...
AMI: ...Using us for cheap drama.
INO: So what should we do?
AMI: We could play Hazou against himself for our amusement.
INO: And tie him up in knots trying to out-plot our plots?
AMI: You know, Ino? I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.
KEIKO (impressed): Huh, I see they used knot configuration 26-19.
HAZOU: *muffled screaming*
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Bowling with Cousins
Tua
鸡肉面条汤
- Location
- شوربة الدجاج المعكرونة
Guess I'll get the ball rolling, so to speak. 🙃
Which also means I get to get away with shamelessly claiming the most obvious of titles before anyone else can. (Though if you have suggestions for a better title, I am happy to hear them. I am not overly fond of the current one.)
And to the one person who thought this might be anywhere close to canon-compliant: I am sorry but what were you expecting, really?
Sasuke whirled around, Sharingan blazing aggressively at the shape that had dared to sneak up on him.
"Uchiha Sasuke," the shape said without preamble, "it's time we talked."
"Lord Gōketsu," Sasuke replied coolly. "We spoke but mere minutes ago. Why have you ambushed me on my way home instead of making an appointment?"
Oh, so now you had to make an appointment? Was hypocrisy a required secondary trait to make use of the Uchiha bloodline or something? So far either Uchiha brother Hazō had met was lending credence to that theory.
"Indeed, that should tell you how important the issue is," Hazō replied instead.
"Very well. Follow me and we may speak in my clan compound. If this is as vital as you imply it is, then one can never take enough precautions. You never know who might be listening in."
"…A bowling tournament? Held in the Hashirama Arena? The same arena reserved only to honor the finalists of the Chūnin Exams?"
"Well, it's not much of a tournament since it's just the two of us. But aside from that, yes."
Though now that Hazō thought about it, it might be good idea to keep the tournament part in the name. It'd attract more attention that way from the public.
Sasuke for his part nodded to himself as if he was validating a particular theory he'd had about Hazō.
"Absolutely not."
That of Hazō being a crazy person who'd only survived this far by sheer dumb luck alone. And possibly the pity of others.
"But cousin - may I call you cousin?"
"No."
"Very well, cousin. So here is the deal: ever since I found out we were distantly related all I could think about was to go bowling with you. It has been an obsession of mine that's been keeping me awake at night. An all-consuming ambition that makes it hard to focus on anything else.
"Surely you of all people can understand?"
"You can't possibly be comparing that to what I think you are!"
"I wasn't going to, but now that you have brought it up yourself…?"
Sasuke's face took on a color nearly as red as his eyes. Was this a good or bad sign?
Okay, now his eyes were spinning. So probably not a good sign, then.
Maybe he should change tacks before Sasuke tried to strangle him. Or worse, kick him out before he could finish his speech.
Hazō cleared his throat.
"I really like what you have done with this place," he tried. "The quiet must be really helpful when you want to meditate. How did you manage to pull that off?"
"That was quite easy. All I needed was a brother who killed my beloved family and most of my clansmen!"
"Ah. My condolences. I had no idea."
Sasuke gave him baleful look before visibly biting down his first retort, his Sharingan flickering on and off rapidly.
Maybe there was a chance he was coming around after all.
"I changed my mind," Sasuke said. Hah, nailed it. He continued with a suspiciously calm tone. "You said the winner would be able to force the loser to accept their ideologies and their input on how to lead their respective clan? I'm in. Oh, I am so in."
"Yes. Though we can also just duel to the death if you prefer that. I am only offering because kinslaying seems to be somewhat of a recurring theme at this point."
"Oh no, I am not going to let you off that easily."
Hazō shrugged. "Very well, my people will contact your people once everything is finalized. Have a good rest of the day, Lord Uchiha."
And once Hazō had won the duel he'd help Sasuke see the inherent worth and value of civilians. For a clan that was pretty much all civilians, he sure had a dim view about them. If this was a form of misguided self-hatred for not being able to save his clan, then Hazō failed to see the point.
Not that the "why" mattered to Hazō. He'd be committed to helping Sasuke anyway. They were family, after all. Up to and including the ridiculous - and in his eyes entirely unprovoked - rivalry commonly found within them.
As Hazō strolled back home he couldn't help but break out in a grin. He may have had his naysayers - oh boy, did he have his naysayers - but no one would be able to deny the effectiveness of Hazōplomacy after today.
And next time they'd meet he'd ask Sasuke whether he had the potential to awaken a Sharingan of his own. He'd completely forgotten about it in all his excitement to finally be able to spend some leisure time with his precious cousin.
"Noburi, I need you to whisper sweet nothings into my ear while Mari-sensei teaches me how to handle the balls in the most optimal way. Oh, don't give me that look. Think about how you can benefit the clan instead. Or do you want to get shown up by that upstart founding clan? No? Didn't think so!
"Akane, do you happen to have a spare suit in my size? Yes, I am serious. This is a matter of humiliation and death. I will take no chances.
"Kagome-sensei, we are going back to the woods starting next week. It is time I took you up on your offer to teach me the more advanced techniques. And dances.
"Haru, you… keep doing what you are doing. I commend you on your initiative to give me those disapproving stares. They will help me train to keep up my focus should the public turn against me, as unlikely as that is. We will make a fine Gōketsu out of you yet."
Hazō was pretty confident he'd be able to win the contest with the help of his clan. He only had to get the movements down once and the Iron Nerve would take care of the rest.
He looked around.
"Has anyone seen Keiko?"
"Are these the ones who would dare to stand between my brother and victory?"
"Y-yes, my lady."
"Very well. You are of course aware what would happen should anyone find out that I was here?"
The civilian clerk bowed hastily. "Of course, my lady. I will tell no one. You were never even here."
Keiko gave her a curt nod. "Leave us."
The young woman fled, leaving Keiko alone.
With them.
Keiko walked towards them with deliberate steps until she was close enough to end their life in the blink of an eye should negotiations break down.
She took her time to study them more closely. There was always that one individual in the group, the one she'd have to break to make the rest submit. And this time the alpha had made it particularly easy for her to find him. He was standing defiantly in front of his brethren, as if he'd be able to shield them from her wrath if it came to that.
The notion of which was utterly laughable, of course. But she did not laugh, for she had already used up all of her allotted happiness time for this month.
Keiko crouched down to face her prey directly, then grabbed him roughly by his surprisingly delicate looking neck and lifted him up the rest of the way towards her.
This was the face of the enemy, then.
Not much to look at if she was honest with herself but she'd be careful not to underestimate them either. After all, he and his kind had been in a position to decide the fate and fortune of the people in this playful arena... of conflict and strife.
She made a show of dispassionately inspecting the red lines that ran around his neck - gang tattoos that indicated affiliation, most likely. Every single one of them had them.
Without breaking eye contact she pulled out a kunai and started tracing one of the lines with it. All without breaking skin, naturally. She had learned early on that the promise of pain could be just as effective - if not more - than the actual act of inflicting it.
"Do you know who I am?" She shook her head and went on before he could respond. "No, of course you wouldn't. We frequent entirely different fields of battle, you and I. While you were growing fat in your complacency," she emphasized her words by poking him in the belly. Hard. "My family and I made sure there was even a world for you to live in. But make no mistake, you exist only because we tolerate it."
She gave him a particularly vicious smile. Plenty of allowance left on those.
"But where are my manners? I am the Lady Nara, summoner of the mighty Pangolin Clan. Undisputed champion of my generation's Chūnin Exams. I am the Slayer of Optimism, and the Keeper of the Black Kitten. Be quiet! I care nothing for your name. Now, do you truly think you stand even a speck of a chance against me?"
Her victim didn't reply, possibly because she was constricting his windpipe, or because he was too cowed to speak.
"I didn't think so."
She let him go, satisfied about how he started wobbling on his feet, too unbalanced from the terror he'd been forced to witness. None of the hanger-ons had dared to move even a millimeter to help their leader.
Keiko paid them no mind.
"Do not forget my warning. You will throw the fight and allow my brother to win or Sage help me, I will hunt you and your family down wherever you might think to run. And your deaths will be anything but quick. Are we clear?"
The frontmost bowling pin continued to wobble back and forth as if nodding in compliance.
"Very good."
"You want me to send more letters to foreign leaders after speaking with yet another Sharingan user?"
"Yes."
Mari sighed. "You haven't learned the first seven times, why would I expect you to learn now?"
"Indeed!" Hazō smiled brightly at her. "You do get it. But I can't take all of the credit, sensei. It was you who selected me for my propensity to commit treason when we left Mist after all."
Hazō left before he could see her flinch.
Haru hung back to briefly comfort Mari, then followed after him.
He'd been given a task and he would see it through to the very end. That it was an enjoyable one was just a bonus.
"Hazō. Just why?" Asuma said in a defeated tone. "The last time you did this I had ordered you be executed. Yet here we are again, with you seemingly not having learned your lesson. No, not even that. This time you went even further by sending out a letter to all of the Hidden Villages." He held out a brightly colored envelope, the reason for Hazō's unexpected expected summon. "You even sent me one. For reasons that elude me if subterfuge was your goal.
"So please, please help me understand what makes you tick. Because neither my strategists nor I can figure it out. And now you are wearing this… this ugly thing," he pointed in Hazō's general direction, then he shook his head and started muttering to himself. "We should have listened to Shikaku when we had the chance. He was the only who had seen the signs before it was too late."
Hazō pondered on this for a while. He knew his life would depend on the answer after all.
"An Uchiha made me do it: After Lord Uchiha visited me, I had no choice but go down this path," is what the completely innocent and sane Clan Head had settled on as his defense.
And the best part? This was all true.
Well, technically anyway.
He had seen Sasuke use his Sharingan around him and if the young Lord of the Uchiha had not existed, then Hazō would not have desired to go bowling with him. It was a flawless chain of logic that no one would be able to refute.
And there was no doubt in Hazō's mind who was really at fault here - or rather who wasn't: him. Which allowed him to continue his perfect streak of claiming that nothing that had ever gone wrong around him had ever been his fault.
"An Uchiha made you do it?" Asuma repeated tonelessly.
"Yes, sir. You know how they are. Just because their eyes look kinda cool and glow in the dark they think they can do whatever they want with those of us who are less ocularily gifted. Do you not wish to see them get taken down a peg for all the world to see?"
Asuma was wavering, Hazō could tell by his balled fists and trembling arms. Time to go in for the kill.
"You know, you and I are quite alike. Not about the treason thing, please put down your weapon. I meant about how we are both the sons of Hokage. We know firsthand how hard it was for our fathers to aim for peace in a world that was - and is - doing its very best to see all of us dead at the hands of each other."
"And a public display of bowling helps with that how?"
"Uh, because bowling is the language of peace…? Probably. I think I read about that in one of Jiraiya's novels."
"I see."
"So, does that mean you approve of the tournament? And, on a related note, me staying alive?"
"The tournament was to the death, you said?"
"Well, that was but one of the many options, but—"
"I will see you in the arena then." Asuma's mood had switched to happy awfully quickly and Hazō was glad he could make the Hokage see his point. "We can discuss whatever remains unresolved at a later point. Should there still be a need for it."
"You really came around quickly," Hazō replied. "Sometimes I scare even myself at how good I am at socials."
He made to leave but stopped at the door.
"Sir, not that it is my place to say but you really need to stop the Uchiha from turning people into traitors whenever they feel like it. It's just not a good look for you."
He slammed the door shut before the thrown mug could hit him in the face.
...
"T-thank you for having us, Hokage-sama."
Haru quickly stood up and left before the Hokage could direct his anger at him in lieu of his Clan Head. He had known nothing good could from joining a clan but he had never expected, well, this.
"Kunoichi, shinobi, ladies, gentlemen, peasants and peasants from all over the world, I welcome you to the Gōketsu Games!"
The crowd erupted in cheers.
"For our first and, coincidentally, final game I present to you: Bowling with Cousins!
"Partaking in this competition will be Lord Gōketsu himself and, of course, the honorable Lord Uchiha. The rules are simple: Two will enter the arena but only one will…"
Hazō tuned out the announcer.
This was it.
The moment all of his past actions had been leading to. Becoming missing-nin, revolutionizing ninja warfare and nearly becoming missing-nin again. They had all been but stepping stones that led him here.
He would finally get to go bowling with his cousin. And he was gracious enough to allow the world to share in his elation.
There was nothing that could stop him from achieving his dream.
Absolutely nothing.
Absolutely nothing put a hand on his shoulder. "Hello, cousin."
Hazō turned around and scowled. "By Zabuza's handsome face, why are you here?"
"I have come to test the limits of my ability. In bowling. Also, I had time to reflect on your words and I am willing to assist you in breaking this cycle of hatred. Let's achieve peace. Together." He paused to straighten out his bowling uniform. "It appears that the crowd is waiting for us. Shall we get started then, my dear cousin?"
Which also means I get to get away with shamelessly claiming the most obvious of titles before anyone else can. (Though if you have suggestions for a better title, I am happy to hear them. I am not overly fond of the current one.)
And to the one person who thought this might be anywhere close to canon-compliant: I am sorry but what were you expecting, really?
Sasuke whirled around, Sharingan blazing aggressively at the shape that had dared to sneak up on him.
"Uchiha Sasuke," the shape said without preamble, "it's time we talked."
"Lord Gōketsu," Sasuke replied coolly. "We spoke but mere minutes ago. Why have you ambushed me on my way home instead of making an appointment?"
Oh, so now you had to make an appointment? Was hypocrisy a required secondary trait to make use of the Uchiha bloodline or something? So far either Uchiha brother Hazō had met was lending credence to that theory.
"Indeed, that should tell you how important the issue is," Hazō replied instead.
"Very well. Follow me and we may speak in my clan compound. If this is as vital as you imply it is, then one can never take enough precautions. You never know who might be listening in."
-o-
"…A bowling tournament? Held in the Hashirama Arena? The same arena reserved only to honor the finalists of the Chūnin Exams?"
"Well, it's not much of a tournament since it's just the two of us. But aside from that, yes."
Though now that Hazō thought about it, it might be good idea to keep the tournament part in the name. It'd attract more attention that way from the public.
Sasuke for his part nodded to himself as if he was validating a particular theory he'd had about Hazō.
"Absolutely not."
That of Hazō being a crazy person who'd only survived this far by sheer dumb luck alone. And possibly the pity of others.
"But cousin - may I call you cousin?"
"No."
"Very well, cousin. So here is the deal: ever since I found out we were distantly related all I could think about was to go bowling with you. It has been an obsession of mine that's been keeping me awake at night. An all-consuming ambition that makes it hard to focus on anything else.
"Surely you of all people can understand?"
"You can't possibly be comparing that to what I think you are!"
"I wasn't going to, but now that you have brought it up yourself…?"
Sasuke's face took on a color nearly as red as his eyes. Was this a good or bad sign?
Okay, now his eyes were spinning. So probably not a good sign, then.
Maybe he should change tacks before Sasuke tried to strangle him. Or worse, kick him out before he could finish his speech.
Hazō cleared his throat.
"I really like what you have done with this place," he tried. "The quiet must be really helpful when you want to meditate. How did you manage to pull that off?"
"That was quite easy. All I needed was a brother who killed my beloved family and most of my clansmen!"
"Ah. My condolences. I had no idea."
Sasuke gave him baleful look before visibly biting down his first retort, his Sharingan flickering on and off rapidly.
Maybe there was a chance he was coming around after all.
"I changed my mind," Sasuke said. Hah, nailed it. He continued with a suspiciously calm tone. "You said the winner would be able to force the loser to accept their ideologies and their input on how to lead their respective clan? I'm in. Oh, I am so in."
"Yes. Though we can also just duel to the death if you prefer that. I am only offering because kinslaying seems to be somewhat of a recurring theme at this point."
"Oh no, I am not going to let you off that easily."
Hazō shrugged. "Very well, my people will contact your people once everything is finalized. Have a good rest of the day, Lord Uchiha."
And once Hazō had won the duel he'd help Sasuke see the inherent worth and value of civilians. For a clan that was pretty much all civilians, he sure had a dim view about them. If this was a form of misguided self-hatred for not being able to save his clan, then Hazō failed to see the point.
Not that the "why" mattered to Hazō. He'd be committed to helping Sasuke anyway. They were family, after all. Up to and including the ridiculous - and in his eyes entirely unprovoked - rivalry commonly found within them.
As Hazō strolled back home he couldn't help but break out in a grin. He may have had his naysayers - oh boy, did he have his naysayers - but no one would be able to deny the effectiveness of Hazōplomacy after today.
And next time they'd meet he'd ask Sasuke whether he had the potential to awaken a Sharingan of his own. He'd completely forgotten about it in all his excitement to finally be able to spend some leisure time with his precious cousin.
-o-
"Noburi, I need you to whisper sweet nothings into my ear while Mari-sensei teaches me how to handle the balls in the most optimal way. Oh, don't give me that look. Think about how you can benefit the clan instead. Or do you want to get shown up by that upstart founding clan? No? Didn't think so!
"Akane, do you happen to have a spare suit in my size? Yes, I am serious. This is a matter of humiliation and death. I will take no chances.
"Kagome-sensei, we are going back to the woods starting next week. It is time I took you up on your offer to teach me the more advanced techniques. And dances.
"Haru, you… keep doing what you are doing. I commend you on your initiative to give me those disapproving stares. They will help me train to keep up my focus should the public turn against me, as unlikely as that is. We will make a fine Gōketsu out of you yet."
Hazō was pretty confident he'd be able to win the contest with the help of his clan. He only had to get the movements down once and the Iron Nerve would take care of the rest.
He looked around.
"Has anyone seen Keiko?"
-o-
"Are these the ones who would dare to stand between my brother and victory?"
"Y-yes, my lady."
"Very well. You are of course aware what would happen should anyone find out that I was here?"
The civilian clerk bowed hastily. "Of course, my lady. I will tell no one. You were never even here."
Keiko gave her a curt nod. "Leave us."
The young woman fled, leaving Keiko alone.
With them.
Keiko walked towards them with deliberate steps until she was close enough to end their life in the blink of an eye should negotiations break down.
She took her time to study them more closely. There was always that one individual in the group, the one she'd have to break to make the rest submit. And this time the alpha had made it particularly easy for her to find him. He was standing defiantly in front of his brethren, as if he'd be able to shield them from her wrath if it came to that.
The notion of which was utterly laughable, of course. But she did not laugh, for she had already used up all of her allotted happiness time for this month.
Keiko crouched down to face her prey directly, then grabbed him roughly by his surprisingly delicate looking neck and lifted him up the rest of the way towards her.
This was the face of the enemy, then.
Not much to look at if she was honest with herself but she'd be careful not to underestimate them either. After all, he and his kind had been in a position to decide the fate and fortune of the people in this playful arena... of conflict and strife.
She made a show of dispassionately inspecting the red lines that ran around his neck - gang tattoos that indicated affiliation, most likely. Every single one of them had them.
Without breaking eye contact she pulled out a kunai and started tracing one of the lines with it. All without breaking skin, naturally. She had learned early on that the promise of pain could be just as effective - if not more - than the actual act of inflicting it.
"Do you know who I am?" She shook her head and went on before he could respond. "No, of course you wouldn't. We frequent entirely different fields of battle, you and I. While you were growing fat in your complacency," she emphasized her words by poking him in the belly. Hard. "My family and I made sure there was even a world for you to live in. But make no mistake, you exist only because we tolerate it."
She gave him a particularly vicious smile. Plenty of allowance left on those.
"But where are my manners? I am the Lady Nara, summoner of the mighty Pangolin Clan. Undisputed champion of my generation's Chūnin Exams. I am the Slayer of Optimism, and the Keeper of the Black Kitten. Be quiet! I care nothing for your name. Now, do you truly think you stand even a speck of a chance against me?"
Her victim didn't reply, possibly because she was constricting his windpipe, or because he was too cowed to speak.
"I didn't think so."
She let him go, satisfied about how he started wobbling on his feet, too unbalanced from the terror he'd been forced to witness. None of the hanger-ons had dared to move even a millimeter to help their leader.
Keiko paid them no mind.
"Do not forget my warning. You will throw the fight and allow my brother to win or Sage help me, I will hunt you and your family down wherever you might think to run. And your deaths will be anything but quick. Are we clear?"
The frontmost bowling pin continued to wobble back and forth as if nodding in compliance.
"Very good."
-o-
"You want me to send more letters to foreign leaders after speaking with yet another Sharingan user?"
"Yes."
Mari sighed. "You haven't learned the first seven times, why would I expect you to learn now?"
"Indeed!" Hazō smiled brightly at her. "You do get it. But I can't take all of the credit, sensei. It was you who selected me for my propensity to commit treason when we left Mist after all."
Hazō left before he could see her flinch.
Haru hung back to briefly comfort Mari, then followed after him.
He'd been given a task and he would see it through to the very end. That it was an enjoyable one was just a bonus.
-o-
"Hazō. Just why?" Asuma said in a defeated tone. "The last time you did this I had ordered you be executed. Yet here we are again, with you seemingly not having learned your lesson. No, not even that. This time you went even further by sending out a letter to all of the Hidden Villages." He held out a brightly colored envelope, the reason for Hazō's unexpected expected summon. "You even sent me one. For reasons that elude me if subterfuge was your goal.
"So please, please help me understand what makes you tick. Because neither my strategists nor I can figure it out. And now you are wearing this… this ugly thing," he pointed in Hazō's general direction, then he shook his head and started muttering to himself. "We should have listened to Shikaku when we had the chance. He was the only who had seen the signs before it was too late."
Hazō pondered on this for a while. He knew his life would depend on the answer after all.
"An Uchiha made me do it: After Lord Uchiha visited me, I had no choice but go down this path," is what the completely innocent and sane Clan Head had settled on as his defense.
And the best part? This was all true.
Well, technically anyway.
He had seen Sasuke use his Sharingan around him and if the young Lord of the Uchiha had not existed, then Hazō would not have desired to go bowling with him. It was a flawless chain of logic that no one would be able to refute.
And there was no doubt in Hazō's mind who was really at fault here - or rather who wasn't: him. Which allowed him to continue his perfect streak of claiming that nothing that had ever gone wrong around him had ever been his fault.
"An Uchiha made you do it?" Asuma repeated tonelessly.
"Yes, sir. You know how they are. Just because their eyes look kinda cool and glow in the dark they think they can do whatever they want with those of us who are less ocularily gifted. Do you not wish to see them get taken down a peg for all the world to see?"
Asuma was wavering, Hazō could tell by his balled fists and trembling arms. Time to go in for the kill.
"You know, you and I are quite alike. Not about the treason thing, please put down your weapon. I meant about how we are both the sons of Hokage. We know firsthand how hard it was for our fathers to aim for peace in a world that was - and is - doing its very best to see all of us dead at the hands of each other."
"And a public display of bowling helps with that how?"
"Uh, because bowling is the language of peace…? Probably. I think I read about that in one of Jiraiya's novels."
"I see."
"So, does that mean you approve of the tournament? And, on a related note, me staying alive?"
"The tournament was to the death, you said?"
"Well, that was but one of the many options, but—"
"I will see you in the arena then." Asuma's mood had switched to happy awfully quickly and Hazō was glad he could make the Hokage see his point. "We can discuss whatever remains unresolved at a later point. Should there still be a need for it."
"You really came around quickly," Hazō replied. "Sometimes I scare even myself at how good I am at socials."
He made to leave but stopped at the door.
"Sir, not that it is my place to say but you really need to stop the Uchiha from turning people into traitors whenever they feel like it. It's just not a good look for you."
He slammed the door shut before the thrown mug could hit him in the face.
...
"T-thank you for having us, Hokage-sama."
Haru quickly stood up and left before the Hokage could direct his anger at him in lieu of his Clan Head. He had known nothing good could from joining a clan but he had never expected, well, this.
-o-
"Kunoichi, shinobi, ladies, gentlemen, peasants and peasants from all over the world, I welcome you to the Gōketsu Games!"
The crowd erupted in cheers.
"For our first and, coincidentally, final game I present to you: Bowling with Cousins!
"Partaking in this competition will be Lord Gōketsu himself and, of course, the honorable Lord Uchiha. The rules are simple: Two will enter the arena but only one will…"
Hazō tuned out the announcer.
This was it.
The moment all of his past actions had been leading to. Becoming missing-nin, revolutionizing ninja warfare and nearly becoming missing-nin again. They had all been but stepping stones that led him here.
He would finally get to go bowling with his cousin. And he was gracious enough to allow the world to share in his elation.
There was nothing that could stop him from achieving his dream.
Absolutely nothing.
Absolutely nothing put a hand on his shoulder. "Hello, cousin."
Hazō turned around and scowled. "By Zabuza's handsome face, why are you here?"
"I have come to test the limits of my ability. In bowling. Also, I had time to reflect on your words and I am willing to assist you in breaking this cycle of hatred. Let's achieve peace. Together." He paused to straighten out his bowling uniform. "It appears that the crowd is waiting for us. Shall we get started then, my dear cousin?"
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Y'know, Pandaa would probably make a pretty good bowling ball. In fact, why does bowling feel like something the pangolins would regard as a national sport?
Oh, hell, we have a virgin.
The perils of cute joke plans have been the subject of traumatic education.
Almost certainly. The objective is to make it happen perpetually the chapter-after-next.
Alternatively, train the authorities to ignore your conduct. I got away with murder* in elementary school that way.
*Stated purely figuratively and not an admission of guilt in any jurisdiction in which the statute of limitations has not yet expired.
Case in point. I'm confident that this is what she hears regardless of the words spoken.
Fortunately, we have The Heartbreaker in our corner, and experience can compensate for quite a lot of natural talent.
Although, I'm actually curious about how she would react to hearing it explicitly outright...
"At any price" is the new "pretty darn far".
We're going to need a Nara just to track the casualty list. Doesn't Shikamaru have a secretary with relevant experience?
Dammit. I don't know whether the symmetry should break towards awe or envy, but either way there is no longer any point in my contributing anything and I hate you.
Oh, hell, we have a virgin.
The perils of cute joke plans have been the subject of traumatic education.
Almost certainly. The objective is to make it happen perpetually the chapter-after-next.
Alternatively, train the authorities to ignore your conduct. I got away with murder* in elementary school that way.
*Stated purely figuratively and not an admission of guilt in any jurisdiction in which the statute of limitations has not yet expired.
Case in point. I'm confident that this is what she hears regardless of the words spoken.
Fortunately, we have The Heartbreaker in our corner, and experience can compensate for quite a lot of natural talent.
Although, I'm actually curious about how she would react to hearing it explicitly outright...
"At any price" is the new "pretty darn far".
We're going to need a Nara just to track the casualty list. Doesn't Shikamaru have a secretary with relevant experience?
Dammit. I don't know whether the symmetry should break towards awe or envy, but either way there is no longer any point in my contributing anything and I hate you.
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redzonejoe
Vaguely Pastafarian
- Location
- Canada
I haven't been keeping in the loop in regards to the thread's disposition towards Ami (something about every plan necessitating her death in discord?), but would going back to our foundation and actually marrying Ami work to get her out of trouble in mist?
And Keiko might not even kill us for it if it's determined to be necessary for saving her life!
And Keiko might not even kill us for it if it's determined to be necessary for saving her life!
- Location
- Omniverse #1345
I don't believe that is actually an option. And I have no idea how we could pull it off anyway. Not to mention getting closer to Ami feels unwise, she's already dangerous enough!