Your new action plan is not the one linked in the tally. Suggest you update the original post instead.
Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
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- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
Noumero
Omit Needless Words
Meaning is a bit unclear. Perhaps replace it with "If she gives a serious, specific answer, consider it"?
Not at all clear that it's referring to what we did after BotG. I suggest replacing it with something like "you forced her out of retirement".
Not clear that it's an instruction for Hazou to ignore her attempts to overwhelm him with horrible details. I suggest returning the original phrasing ("don't let her drown you out with horrible details, that misses the point"); there's plenty of space before the 500-threshold left.
Otherwise, looks good. I'll see if I can optimize the wordcount further.
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- Location
- Europe
[X] Evenstar
Mari did try to sacrifice herself in Hot spring:
Mari did try to sacrifice herself in Hot spring:
- Location
- Somewhere over the rainbow
I tried again to get it under 400 words; I succeeded by making seven changes, but these are also pretty big and I'm probably butchering at least one of these:
- Admit fault, and reach out.
- You forced her to continue. Though you said you needed Mari the tool, you also meant to save Mari the person.
- Admit fault for forcing her to continue. Though you said you needed Mari the tool, you also meant to save Mari the person.
- Forestall her if she tries to claim that person isn't real. (No negative self-talk.)
- Address her past sins. (Horrible details miss the point.)
This is the one I'm least certain of, but I needed to cut about 10 words down.
- Becoming invulnerable by killing all your loves is a nightmare, not a goal.
- What remains afterwards won't be her.
- Becoming invulnerable by killing all your loves is an extended suicide.
This change actually changes the meaning slightly, but I think it's slightly in the positive direction.
- Reaffirm you trust and care about her deeply.
- Reaffirm that you love and trust her.
- Ask her to let the rest of the clan take some of the political side
- Our clan will have better ideas if she asks.
Evenstar
Triple Jump Unlocked
- Location
- Canada
- Pronouns
- She/Her
@huhYeahGoodPoint
1 might be ok.
2 was deliberately preserved: I'm emphasizing "don't even let her get the whole thing out, it's bullshit". Might be unnecessary.
3 is absolutely not kosher, we need to keep the separation between Heartbreaker and current Mari.
4 again just doesn't work.
5 I'm tempted by, but at the same time it might be wrong to use the specific word because "I destroy everyone who loves me" is a big part of Mari's negative selftalk.
6 This one's fine, will cut.
7 The intended implication is "you don't have to share the details of this with anyone else in the clan if you don't want to." We're offering her control, which is something Mari cares about very deeply.
1 might be ok.
2 was deliberately preserved: I'm emphasizing "don't even let her get the whole thing out, it's bullshit". Might be unnecessary.
3 is absolutely not kosher, we need to keep the separation between Heartbreaker and current Mari.
4 again just doesn't work.
5 I'm tempted by, but at the same time it might be wrong to use the specific word because "I destroy everyone who loves me" is a big part of Mari's negative selftalk.
6 This one's fine, will cut.
7 The intended implication is "you don't have to share the details of this with anyone else in the clan if you don't want to." We're offering her control, which is something Mari cares about very deeply.
- Location
- Somewhere over the rainbow
Fair enough. This is probably the point where I need to give up and go to sleep; it's 3AM for me right now.
Evenstar
Triple Jump Unlocked
- Location
- Canada
- Pronouns
- She/Her
You have a strong model for TLitF and you're not sharing with the class.
Please elucidate.
Unaligned Player
Agony that desires to meet Extinction
- Location
- Adrift between sanity and madness
- Pronouns
- Shrug
A cowards runs away and abandons all. Death could be called the the ultimate abandonment of everything. Thus to constantly run away from, and erase your own memories; to abandon who you are would be to die a thousand times.
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Evenstar
Triple Jump Unlocked
- Location
- Canada
- Pronouns
- She/Her
I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to Lailoken. Who I do not believe models TLitF with the common memory-loss theory.
[X] Evenstar
This looks really good.
If we're still scrounging for words:
Shaves off four words
This looks really good.
If we're still scrounging for words:
Can probably change to
Shaves off four words
That's the thing. I don't think it's just damage. I think she's mutating her chakra whenever she uses TLitF.
The jutsu induces phenotypical changes only a doujutsu bloodline user would have. It implies that whatever memory (Yin heavy portion of chakra) is left behind, the Yang (physical portion of chakra) is probably not cut off. It's there mixing with the target and comes back into Mari without the other half.
In fact. I want to say that TLITF is probably more Yang heavy jutsu than what Yamanaka and genjutsu users employ.
- Location
- Italy
[X] Evenstar
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Yeah, that's a thing we should pick. Do we want "vote follows user" or not? I'm unclear on the implications.
I've noticed that this is consistent, so I wanted to point it out: Only one 'L' in @faflec
Note that he hasn't called her "sensei" since beginning Clan Head.
Noumero
Omit Needless Words
You'll want to check both "Voting for a username" and "If selected, votes for [x] Username will count...".
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Sigh. FINE. He isn't calling her that anymore, and I suspect that instance was author miscommunication. Simply note that if you choose to use that term it's got implications about the changes in their relationship.
- Location
- Yes.
@eaglejarl @Velorien @OliWhail Could we have this image added to the Media thread mark bar? Er, one of the two, at any rate.
Fanart by Zerovirus, I take no credit just posted on their behalf.
Our friend Zerovirus on the Discord doesn't have a SV account so he charged one of us with posting his wonderful fanart to the thread:
- Location
- Italy
We could try going for the "Big Sister/Mom" angle instead of Sensei, works the same(maybe even better as far as emotional attachment goes), but doesn't imply she's the superior in the relationship?
- Location
- Yes.
Big Sister, yes. Mom? Mari would hate herself, in general because she doesn't think she'd make a mother, and specifically because she'd be quasi-replacing Hana.
Noumero
Omit Needless Words
Nah, it's Hazou calling attention to the fact that Ami called Mari "Mari-sensei" earlier in the chapter. Note how "-sensei" is italicized — he's putting emphasis on it, and she then answers the unspoken question.
(There are, however, two instances of Hazou calling her "Mari-sensei" in his thoughts in this chapter, which should probably be retconned.)
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- Location
- Yes.
I'm pretty sure that's intentional, Hazou calls her Mari-sensei inside his head more times than that IIRC.
I'm sure I only had
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Noumero
Omit Needless Words
I don't think so, the only other time he does that is here, and it's specifically phrased as "back when she had been Mari-sensei".
Oh, by the way, @eaglejarl! Noburi notes that Hazou dropped the honorific in this chapter, and decides to do the same, but he then calls her "Mari-sensei" anyway in this (once), this (twice), and this (once) chapters. Should probably also be retconned.
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I don't know why destroying your inner monster would be bad? Perhaps the effort dedicated to it isn't worth it, but the end in itself isn't bad.
This seems to imply that Mari wants to kill those she loves? Perhaps replace by becoming invulnerable when all those you love have died, or by not loving anyone.
- Location
- Yes.
It's in the same chapter, admittedly, so YMMV.