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Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

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Chapter 44, part 1: Hai, soreha jōdandesu
  • Apocrypha

    • "I what?" Noburi asked.

    "You married her," said Inoue-sensei, trying her absolute hardest not to laugh and failing.

    "But...but...I didn't...I can't...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Noburi said. "How?!"

    "You were standing right next to the Betrothal Stone, you looked her in the eyes, and then you asked if she was single," the eldest Kannagi said. The old man stood, spine as straight as a spear, hands folded in his voluminous sleeves, and an Expression of Doom on his face. "What did you think you were doing? Were you simply trifling with my granddaughter's heart?"

    "Uhhhh...," said Noburi.

    "No, no, it's fine," Inoue said, stifling a giggle. "Really. We're delighted to become part of your family, Kannagi-sama. Thank you so much for accepting us."

    "Hmph," the elder snorted. "Very well. I will expect your student to be at my dwelling every morning, an hour before dawn. He will need to hurry if he is to take his place as clan leader in time for the election."

    "Say what now?" Noburi asked.

    The Expression of Doom because the Expression of Contemputously Doomiest Doom. "Did you think you could marry the Princess of the Kannagi, wielder of our clan's greatest weapon, mistress of our secret style, and not fulfill your duties as clan leader?"

    "Uhhhh...," said Noburi.

    "I will be certain he acts appropriately, elder," Inoue-sensei said. "You have my word. If I may ask, though...what's this about an election?"

    The Eyebrow Arch of Affronted Bemusement joined the Expression, which had now softened very slightly into the Glare of Firey Threat of Doom. "Because of Gasai Kouta's shameful behavior on not one but two occasions, she is being removed from the Council of Elders," Kinnagi said. "An election will be held in one month's time to replace her on the counter. Your student, our new clan head, Will. Be. Elected."

    Inoue bowed; when Noburi was too slow to follow she reached up and pulled him into a bow as well. "Of course, elder," she said. "I will bend my every effort to the cause."
    ​
    o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
    ​
    "No!" the instructor said, cracking her switch across Noburi's knuckles hard enough to draw blood. "Touch your napkin with your right hand again and I will cut it off!"

    "You'll cut off my napkin?" Noburi said guilelessly, sucking his knuckles as he did. "That seems odd. Wouldn't that stop me from following Rule Ninety-Four-B, 'Correct re-folding of napkin prior to completion of soup course'? It seems like it would."

    "SILENCE!" the Matron bellowed. "Your hand! I would cut off your hand!"

    "Ohhhhhh," Noburi said, nodding. "I see. That makes more sense." He frowned. "Wouldn't it prevent me from fulfilling Rule Two-Hundred-and-Eighty-Four-J, 'Correct replacement of tea cup after third sip in honor of guest'?"

    The matron snapped her switch over his head.
    ​
    o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
    ​
    "Sea Cucumber Summoning Contract, I choose you!" Keiko said, slamming her bloody hand into the contract.

    A giant green thing fell out of thin air with a wet 'plap'. It had no eyes, but she was sure it was looking at her.

    "Ain't dat just my luck," the sea cucumber groused. "Ya just gettin' in da tub fer a lil well-desoived relaxin' and dere's a call at da contract. A'right, kid, yeah, good enuf. Youse have signed da contract wid da mighty sea cucumbah clan, yadda yadda, youse may call on us at need, blah blah. See yas later." There was another bamf and the sea cucumber was gone.
    ​
    o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
    ​
    "You know, this ain't so bad," Inoue said, lounging on the padded Multiple Earth Wall chaise lounge while three of the village genin fanned her. "Since we introduced this place to modern ninja techniques they've really come to appreciate us properly."

    "I know, right?" Kagome said, lounging on his own couch, eyes closed as two village maidens rubbed his feet. "And I'm so glad you recommended I get therapy. I feel ever so much more relaxed."

    Inoue laughed. "I'm pretty sure I said 'laid', not 'therapy'," she said.

    He shrugged, not bothering to open his eyes. "I find that spending special sexy times with my dainty flowers to be extremely therapeutic," he said. He opened one eye and smiled down at the maidens on footrub duty. "Am I right, little ones?"

    The maidens (who were strikingly beautiful and most definitely of legal age for super special sexy times) smiled and giggled. "Yes, Kagome-sama!" they chorused. "We are delighted that you accepted us as joint First Wives of Clan Kagome, the Eighth Great Clan of the Village Hidden in the Mountain! The explosive-seal-powered internal combustion engines that you have introduced will make us more powerful than the Five Great Villages combined!"

    Kagome preened. "Nice to be appreciated," he said.

    The girls young women of legal age smiled and made bedroom eyes at him. "Oooh, Kagome-sama," they said. "We are so very appreciative."

    Kagome's thin face split into a wide grin. He sat up, swinging his feet off the couch and into his geta. (Which are traditional Japanese sandals, in case you didn't know that.) "you Know," Kagome said, sitting up. "I'm feeling in need of a little therapy right now. Come on, ladies, we should get back to fulfilling our duties as Clan Progenitors!"

    "Excellent, Kagome-sama!" they said, springing to their feet. "Shall we invite wives Second through Nineteenth?"

    The genin tried very hard not to gag as Kagome and the First Wives of his harem went off to generate the next generation of paranoid seal masters.
    ​
    o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
    ​
    "So, do you surrender?" Hazou asked, leaning out the commander's hatch of his hovertank. His grandson had argued with him about going on this mission, saying that he was too old to take the field and his position as Clan Head made him an inappropriate choice for frontline duty and that, since he was the first member of the clan to have awakened all three tomoe (which are comma-shaped things) of his SHaringan (which are totally hax eyeballs that Hazou scored when Mountain overran Sound and convinced Orochimaru to stop being a jerk and use his bio-tinker powers for good) he had a dutty to stay at home and father more kids.

    Sarutobi Hiruze raised an eyebrow. "Surrender?" he asked dangerously. His giant mecha's right hand drifted to the Hellbolt Blaster that rested on its hip.

    "Partner!" Hazou said quickly. "I meant partner! Do you agree to partner with us?"

    Of course," the Hokage said. "Now, lt's go kick some other-village ass. This world-peace thing ain't gonna happen on its own." He bit down on his totally badass cigar and turned his mecha north. It was time to conquer.
    ​
    o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o​
    ​
    For starting the Industrial Chakra Revolution, conquering death, handing out Sharingan, Rinnegan, and Byakugan to everyone on earth (which took some doing because the human brain isn't really intended to handle three eyes), and fathering a clan of loyal, happy, well-adjusted children, you have earned 7 XP.

    What now?
     
  • Apocrypha
    • eaglejarl said:

    "I what?" Noburi asked.

    "You married her," said Inoue-sensei, trying her absolute hardest not to laugh and failing.

    "But...but...I didn't...I can't...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Noburi said. "How?!"

    "You were standing right next to the Betrothal Stone, you looked her in the eyes, and then you asked if she was single," the eldest Kannagi said. The old man stood, spine as straight as a spear, hands folded in his voluminous sleeves, and an Expression of Doom on his face. "What did you think you were doing? Were you simply trifling with my granddaughter's heart?"

    "Uhhhh...," said Noburi.

    "No, no, it's fine," Inoue said, stifling a giggle. "Really. We're delighted to become part of your family, Kannagi-sama. Thank you so much for accepting us."

    "Hmph," the elder snorted. "Very well. I will expect your student to be at my dwelling every morning, an hour before dawn. He will need to hurry if he is to take his place as clan leader in time for the election."

    "Say what now?" Noburi asked.

    The Expression of Doom because the Expression of Contemputously Doomiest Doom. "Did you think you could marry the Princess of the Kannagi, wielder of our clan's greatest weapon, mistress of our secret style, and not fulfill your duties as clan leader?"

    "Uhhhh...," said Noburi.

    "I will be certain he acts appropriately, elder," Inoue-sensei said. "You have my word. If I may ask, though...what's this about an election?"

    The Eyebrow Arch of Affronted Bemusement joined the Expression, which had now softened very slightly into the Glare of Firey Threat of Doom. "Because of Gasai Kouta's shameful behavior on not one but two occasions, she is being removed from the Council of Elders," Kinnagi said. "An election will be held in one month's time to replace her on the counter. Your student, our new clan head, Will. Be. Elected."

    Inoue bowed; when Noburi was too slow to follow she reached up and pulled him into a bow as well. "Of course, elder," she said. "I will bend my every effort to the cause."
    ​
    o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
    ​
    "No!" the instructor said, cracking her switch across Noburi's knuckles hard enough to draw blood. "Touch your napkin with your right hand again and I will cut it off!"

    "You'll cut off my napkin?" Noburi said guilelessly, sucking his knuckles as he did. "That seems odd. Wouldn't that stop me from following Rule Ninety-Four-B, 'Correct re-folding of napkin prior to completion of soup course'? It seems like it would."

    "SILENCE!" the Matron bellowed. "Your hand! I would cut off your hand!"

    "Ohhhhhh," Noburi said, nodding. "I see. That makes more sense." He frowned. "Wouldn't it prevent me from fulfilling Rule Two-Hundred-and-Eighty-Four-J, 'Correct replacement of tea cup after third sip in honor of guest'?"

    The matron snapped her switch over his head.
    ​
    o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
    ​
    "Sea Cucumber Summoning Contract, I choose you!" Keiko said, slamming her bloody hand into the contract.

    A giant green thing fell out of thin air with a wet 'plap'. It had no eyes, but she was sure it was looking at her.

    "Ain't dat just my luck," the sea cucumber groused. "Ya just gettin' in da tub fer a lil well-desoived relaxin' and dere's a call at da contract. A'right, kid, yeah, good enuf. Youse have signed da contract wid da mighty sea cucumbah clan, yadda yadda, youse may call on us at need, blah blah. See yas later." There was another bamf and the sea cucumber was gone.
    ​
    o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
    ​
    "You know, this ain't so bad," Inoue said, lounging on the padded Multiple Earth Wall chaise lounge while three of the village genin fanned her. "Since we introduced this place to modern ninja techniques they've really come to appreciate us properly."

    "I know, right?" Kagome said, lounging on his own couch, eyes closed as two village maidens rubbed his feet. "And I'm so glad you recommended I get therapy. I feel ever so much more relaxed."

    Inoue laughed. "I'm pretty sure I said 'laid', not 'therapy'," she said.

    He shrugged, not bothering to open his eyes. "I find that spending special sexy times with my dainty flowers to be extremely therapeutic," he said. He opened one eye and smiled down at the maidens on footrub duty. "Am I right, little ones?"

    The maidens (who were strikingly beautiful and most definitely of legal age for super special sexy times) smiled and giggled. "Yes, Kagome-sama!" they chorused. "We are delighted that you accepted us as joint First Wives of Clan Kagome, the Eighth Great Clan of the Village Hidden in the Mountain! The explosive-seal-powered internal combustion engines that you have introduced will make us more powerful than the Five Great Villages combined!"

    Kagome preened. "Nice to be appreciated," he said.

    The girls young women of legal age smiled and made bedroom eyes at him. "Oooh, Kagome-sama," they said. "We are so very appreciative."

    Kagome's thin face split into a wide grin. He sat up, swinging his feet off the couch and into his geta. (Which are traditional Japanese sandals, in case you didn't know that.) "you Know," Kagome said, sitting up. "I'm feeling in need of a little therapy right now. Come on, ladies, we should get back to fulfilling our duties as Clan Progenitors!"

    "Excellent, Kagome-sama!" they said, springing to their feet. "Shall we invite wives Second through Nineteenth?"

    The genin tried very hard not to gag as Kagome and the First Wives of his harem went off to generate the next generation of paranoid seal masters.
    ​
    o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
    ​
    "So, do you surrender?" Hazou asked, leaning out the commander's hatch of his hovertank. His grandson had argued with him about going on this mission, saying that he was too old to take the field and his position as Clan Head made him an inappropriate choice for frontline duty and that, since he was the first member of the clan to have awakened all three tomoe (which are comma-shaped things) of his SHaringan (which are totally hax eyeballs that Hazou scored when Mountain overran Sound and convinced Orochimaru to stop being a jerk and use his bio-tinker powers for good) he had a dutty to stay at home and father more kids.

    Sarutobi Hiruze raised an eyebrow. "Surrender?" he asked dangerously. His giant mecha's right hand drifted to the Hellbolt Blaster that rested on its hip.

    "Partner!" Hazou said quickly. "I meant partner! Do you agree to partner with us?"

    Of course," the Hokage said. "Now, lt's go kick some other-village ass. This world-peace thing ain't gonna happen on its own." He bit down on his totally badass cigar and turned his mecha north. It was time to conquer.
    ​
    o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o​
    ​
    For starting the Industrial Chakra Revolution, conquering death, handing out Sharingan, Rinnegan, and Byakugan to everyone on earth (which took some doing because the human brain isn't really intended to handle three eyes), and fathering a clan of loyal, happy, well-adjusted children, you have earned 7 XP.

    What now?
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...

    Oh my god you have certainly topped @Velorien in the fake update contest.
     
    ChronOblivion said:
    C'mon guys, let's see who blinks first.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...
    Now why would I blink?Its going to be me.
    We often take the time to detail how we plan to use the GMs sadism against them in the secret 'actual planning' conversation.I wasn't really part of the thread then so I had no idea what people where thinking when they were planning.
    The only point where Hazo seems to test it might be a genjutsu is Let the Bodies Hit the floor.
     
    Dark as Silver said:
    I'm not seeing it.
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...

    Happy face====> :>

    Demonic Horns=> }

    Scary face with demonic horns: }:>

    Up is left.

    War is peace. We have always-- no, wait, wrong continuity.

    The Pope walked into the Sistine Chapel and saw Michelangelo on the scaffolding, putting the last touches on God's "pull my finger" joke to Adam. The Pope was horrified. "When I said 'paint the chapel roof', I meant blue!" he shouted.

    ...long silence...

    The Internet: I don't get it.

    EJ: The Sistine Chapel roof? One of the greatest pieces of religious art ever? The Pope commissioned Michelangelo to paint this masterpiece, and so...you know what, never mind. Explaining a joke kills it.

    The Internet: Why would the Pope want his chapel painted by a turtle?
     
    Last edited:
    eaglejarl said:
    Happy face====> :>

    Demonic Horns=> }

    Scary face with demonic horns: }:>

    Up is left.

    War is peace. We have always-- no, wait, wrong continuity.

    The Pope walked into the Sistine Chapel and saw Michelangelo on the scaffolding, putting the last touches on God's "pull my finger" joke to Adam. The Pope was horrified. "When I said 'paint the chapel roof', I meant blue!" he shouted.

    ...long silence...

    The Internet: I don't get it.

    EJ: The Sistine Chapel roof? One of the greatest pieces of religious art ever? The Pope commissioned Michelangelo to paint this masterpiece, and so...you know what, never mind. Explaining a joke kills it.

    The Internet: Why would the Pope want his chapel painted by a turtle?
    Click to expand...
    Click to shrink...

    Oh no. @eaglejarl is insane now.
     
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