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Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

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eaglejarl said:
The redhead laughed, pulled a twenty-ryo coin out of her belt, and tossed it to Hazō. "Good job, Aburame," she said. "Inuzuka, Hyūga take the lesson to heart: words are just words and you can't let them get to you."

"For the record, she told us to do that," Noburi said, ducking his head in apology to Hyūga. "I'm really sorry."

Mari-sensei rolled her eyes. "Sage's beard, you lot are too polite to live. Go on, get to your sides. Let's get this party started." She flapped her hands at them as though shooing birds.
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It took me a while to get it (thanks for linking back to this, @Inferno Vulpix), but this is another example of Mari being utterly brilliant socially. She made a small bet with Hazou that implied he had faith in their team, and further made them look good in the her later statement.

e: jesus christ that chapter was 3000 posts ago
 
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Chapter 159: Third Options and Where to Find Them
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    • Ninja tended to want a bit more personal space than civilians—being constantly on watch for assassination had that effect on one. Deliberately or not (and Hazō had not the slightest doubt that it was deliberate), the proctors had crowded several hundred teenage ninja Exam entrants into a space small enough that everyone needed to be careful to avoid bumping shoulders with the stranger beside them. A ring of proctors kept anyone from spreading out while simultaneously shepherding this densely-packed and increasingly more stressed group counter-clockwise around the perimeter of what Mist laughably called the 'Death Swamp'. Periodically, one of the proctors would point at a team and say, "You! Into the Swamp! Go go go!" A second later the nearest proctors would throw rocks at the team to urge them on their way. Fortunately, there were over a hundred teams and only so much room for rocks in a ninja's equipment so...nope, that guy had just unsealed a fresh bag of rocks from his storage scroll. Great.

    With a sigh, Hazō flicked some handtalk at Noburi and Keiko. Loosely translated from the simplified and telegraphic battlesign, the message was simply <I've got some strategy ideas> (More literally: 'Tactical plan. Multiple.')

    <Damnit, Hazō, what took you so long?> Noburi grumped back. ('Overdue. Dumbass.' Yes, Team Uplift had evolved a specific intra-team handsign for the word 'dumbass'.) <Keiko and I have been waiting five whole minutes, and I bet her ten ryo that you'd be finished doing the thing two minutes ago.>

    <Speaking of which....> Even in nonverbal communication, Keiko managed to pack an infuriating amount of 'I told you so' into a very few finger movements, none of which were explicitly 'I told you so'—which, yes, was another Team Uplift handsign.

    <Fine,> Noburi growled, reaching into his money pouch. Immediately, the nearest ninja—one team from Rock and another from Cloud—pushed away from him in alarm, causing an expanding ripple of stumbles and curses.

    "Keep it in line, you grubs!" shouted one of the proctors.

    "Sorry, folks," Noburi said, raising his left hand placatingly and bringing the right out of his pouch very slowly. He turned it to show that he was holding nothing more threatening than a ten-ryo coin, which he promptly handed to Keiko. Glares were his only response.

    <Okay,> Hazō signed. <What was that all about? You were betting on how long it would take me to 'do the thing'?>

    <Bro, we've had this talk. The thing you do, where you look off into nothing for about ten seconds and suddenly come up with this twenty-eight point plan with five sections and two levels of sub-points in each one,> Noburi signed. <Except this time you had to go and spend five minutes on it? Geez, man. You're losing a step.>

    <Mari-sensei warned me that it is not uncommon for men to experience performance problems as they age,> Keiko signed. <She was very firm about the fact that I should immediately reassure you that it does not in any way decrease your value as a man.>

    Noburi and Hazō locked horrified eyes. <We will never speak of this again,> they signed in unison.

    <So, I've got some ideas,> Hazō signed, keeping his mind closely focused on the details of how to beat the Exams instead of on the horrific images prompted by Mari-sensei's remote-operated genjutsu.

    <Hang on, hang on,> Noburi signed. <Let me guess. You don't want to punch anyone. You want to make friends with everyone, right? Somehow find a way to unite everyone and build bridges between them as the first stage in your master plan to conquer the Elemental Nations.>

    <...Well, yeah. How'd you know? Oh, except for the part about 'conquer'. That's kind of an ugly word; I prefer 'optimize'.>

    Noburi looked triumphantly at Keiko. She glowered her disgruntlement as she handed him back the ten-ryo coin. Surrounding ninja were eyeing them suspiciously at this point, their own fingers flying as they 'spoke' back and forth with their teams. The only sounds were the croaking of bloodfrogs from the Swamp and a few gripes from up ahead, the sources of which were out of sight through the crowd.

    <C'mon, Keiko, say it,> Noburi taunted.

    <No.>

    <Say it! You have to say it, you lost the bet!>

    She sighed heavily and tried one more time to execute the fabled River's Dragon Dance of Doom no Jutsu, glaring at her adoptive brother while doing everything she could to kill him with her brain. Sadly, the technique remained a fable and Noburi's skull remained unexploded. <You were right.>

    <Say the whole thing!>

    The glare intensified. <You were right and I was wrong. I abase myself before your brilliance, O Masterful Cogitator. Truly, I am not worthy.> The flicking of her fingers somehow managed to seem spiteful.

    Noburi had once again assumed the guise of his alter ego: Smugley Smugginton, King of Smugton. His 'careful walk' shifted into a 'strutting swagger', at least until he stepped on the heel of the Rock ninja in front of him. She turned with a curse, one hand going to the kunai at her hip.

    "No fighting in the ranks, grubs!" shouted the nearest proctor. "You there! Tall girl with the kunai! Out, out, out!" His arm cocked back, rock ready to throw. The girl shot Noburi one more glare before she and her team turned and raced into the swamp steps ahead of a hail of thrown rocks.

    <You mentioned a plan?> Keiko signed.

    <Right. So, here's what we do—>

    He cut himself off as the crowd in front of them parted to reveal Teams Asuma and Kurenai. The Leaf ninja had simply stopped walking, allowing the other genin to flow around them as they waited for Hazō's group to catch up.

    "Coordination seems wise," said Nara Shikamaru.

    o-o-o-o​

    By sheerest coincidence, the Leaf teams were split up far more widely than those from any other nation. Team Uplift was not just among the last sent into the swamp, they were the last. Hazō was certain that that was also sheerest coincidence. Really.

    "You know there's going to be a swarm of ambushers between us and anything, right?" Noburi said calmly, surveying the swamp in front of them. It was about the worst possible terrain; wide open, long sightlines, but dotted with many small patches of brush-covered high ground that were more than large enough for a team to hide in without actually being in the water. About a mile away was a long run of tall grass that would hide them, but getting there was definitely going to be difficult. "Word's definitely out that you're a sealmaster, so people are going to want to take us out before we can set up. Plus, it's possible that some Mist nin might have a few things they wanted to discuss with us."

    "Indeed," Keiko said, pulling out a kunai. "It would be wise for us to relocate quickly."

    o-o-o-o​

    Shichiro lay flat in the reeds, covered in his ghillie suit. He'd been careful to choose a patch of high ground where the ex-Wakahisa traitor wouldn't be able to sense him through the water. Sora and Machi were in other patches of cover to his left and right, respectively, each tucked into their own hides. He was pleased that he couldn't see them despite knowing exactly where they were. Machi had had plenty of time to charge her Shock Ball jutsu into something truly horrifying so, as long as he and Sora could maneuver those bastards into her kill zone, she should be able to one-shot them with ease. They had a clear field of view for at least a hundred yards, out to the long stretch of tall grass that lay between here and the area that the two proctors (both curiously inattentive to their surroundings) had discussed dropping off the traitor team. The bastards should be coming through here any time now, and when they did—

    Something extremely sharp pricked the back of his neck. "Please be quiet," said a surprisingly cultured voice. "Summoner Keiko was very clear that I'm not allowed to kill you or even maim you, but apparently humans are rather similar to pangolins in that, if you sever the spinal column right here"—the pressure increased for a moment and Shichiro struggled not to flinch—"it leaves the target alive but permanently paralyzed. Intriguingly, she said nothing about paralyzation. Nod slowly if you understand."

    Shichiro nodded slowly; the pointy thing moved with him.

    "Excellent. I'm so glad we understand one another. Now, I am here for two reasons. The first is to clear the road for the Summoner and her family, who should be coming through any ti—ah, there we are!"

    The ground shook, impact ripples dancing across the surface of the water as the tall grasses were stomped flat by something the size of a scaly house that was moving faster than a ninja could sprint. It was in sight, past him, and disappearing into the trees to the south almost before he could register its presence. Behind it trailed a boy's terrified scream and a girl's laughing cries of "Faster! Faster!"

    "Well, that's the first part done," said the voice. "I do think the Summoner needs to have a talk with her siblings though. Deucedly inappropriate to be screaming like that, wouldn't you say?" The voice paused for a moment and then suddenly the pointy thing pressed harder. "Excuse me, I asked you a question. It's rude to simply ignore someone."

    "Yes," Shichiro said, still looking straight ahead. "Absolutely. Very inappropriate."

    "I'm glad we agree. Now, my second objective was to pass on a message. You recall how the proctors are going to be giving out seals, yes?"

    "Yes."

    "And, of course, I'm sure you know the trick to the event?"

    "I don't know what you—ow, yes! The proctors will only give you the seals if you light them up. The event is forty-eight hours but the seals only glow for twenty-four and then they burn out. Burned out seals don't count towards your points, so anyone who gets seals today will just be wasting time and chakra."

    "Ah, excellent. I was afraid I'd need to explain it. Well, as you are probably aware, Summoner Keiko's brother is a sealmaster. He knows how to modify the seals so that they can be switched on and off. My Summoner and her family intend to set up a fortress somewhere near or around one of the proctors. It won't be hard to find; just look for the explosions going off overhead. The Summoner is prepared to trade. For every two lit seals, or three burned-out seals, they will give you one seal that can be turned on and off. That means you could get the seals today before much of the competition is going after them, then trade them for seals that will last until the end of the event. So long as you do not attack the Summoner or her family, they will not attack you and therefore I will not need to gut you and bury your eviscerated body in the muck for the leeches to consume. Have I been clear?"

    "Yes."

    "Do repeat it back, just so I can be certain you were paying attention. There's a good chap."

    "They're building a fortress, find it by looking for explosions in the sky. They'll trade two lit seals or three burned-out seals for one that can be turned on and off. They won't attack unless we do."

    "Well done. I do appreciate intelligent and attentive interlocuters. Pass the word around, won't you?"

    By now Shichiro had learned that what sounded like rhetorical questions were not. "Yes. I'll pass the word." He tried, but couldn't stop himself from blurting out, "Why?"

    "Excuse me?"

    "Why is she giving out working seals in exchange for dead ones?"

    "Intriguingly, I asked the very same question. I do feel that a pangolin does her job better when she knows the reasoning behind her orders, and the Summoner is far more receptive to questions than the Office of Morale tends to be. As it happens, the Summoner did not choose to answer my inquiry. Instead, she looked at her brother, who promptly began to wax rhapsodic about international cooperation, the superiority of building relationships as compared to conflict, and the fact that he is in an excellent place to promote said relationships given that his father is the 'Hokage' and his aunt is the 'Mizukage'—those are, I believe, significant titles on the Human Path?"

    Shichiro choked. "Yes, they are."

    "Ah. Thank you, I had suspected but wasn't entirely certain. In any case, apparently my Summoner's brother wants to promote peaceful and positive relations between nations and believes cooperating with you lot to be the superior course. Now, between you and me, I think he's an addle-pated fool. The easiest way to make peace with one's enemies is to kill them all and use their bodies as nesting material for ant farms—although, actually, paralyzing them might be superior to killing them depending on the breed of ant, but that's getting a bit far afield.

    "...Your pardon, where was I? Ah, yes, the Summoner's brother. He apparently feels that 'commerce' and 'mutually-beneficial exchange of knowledge and resources' are the superior paths to global harmony. Silly, don't you think?"

    "Um...."

    "In any case, you have the message. Do remember to spread the word. Now, if you'll please count to a thousand before moving, I will take my leave." The claw lifted away from his neck.

    Shichiro started to turn around, but froze as the claw pricked his neck again. "I didn't say at what point I would leave," said the voice, sounding vaguely irritated. "Now, please to begin the counting."

    o-o-o-o​

    "How did it go, Panashe?" Keiko asked.

    "Satisfactorily, Summoner," the pangolin replied. Hazō had asked what her rank and role were and had been unable to follow the explanation. The pangolin translation jutsu, usually quite efficient, had garbled the translation—or, at least, he hoped it was the jutsu and not his own brain having performance issues. There was something in there about 'Nonstandard Operations' and what had sounded like a rather defensive explanation of Panashe's duties, most of which sounded like fairly standard ninja work—sneaking into places, silently killing sentries, that sort of thing. The other pangolins in Keiko's tessera treated their stealth-oriented comrade with a mixture of wariness and guarded respect that left him confused.

    "I had the opportunity to converse with four separate individuals," Panashe said. The pangolin was currently reclining against one of the walls of the fortress Hazō had raised with Multiple Earth Wall while Paneru the military engineer reviewed the structure. Panashe was semi-curled up, holding a whetstone in her hind feet and stropping her claws on it. "There were quite a few who demonstrated sufficient situational awareness that I felt approaching might be unwise given the rules of engagement you specified, but there was a good selection who couldn't seem to notice that there was water around them. Presumably they were claws-first troops."

    Paneru let out the strangled choke that even across species lines signified laughter being stuffed back down before it could escape.

    "What's the joke?" Noburi asked.

    "Nothing," Paneru said. "No joke, sir. This wall is a bit crooked. I think—"

    "If there was no joke then why were you laughing?" Noburi demanded.

    "I, too, would be interested in the answer," Keiko said calmly. "Pangolin culture is still rather opaque to me. It would be useful to have more information."

    Paneru shot a look of mute appeal at Panashe. The specialist showed no sign of discomfort as she explained. "Line of battle pangolins tend to be more oriented towards direct confrontation," she said. "The term 'claws-first troops' is derived from a rather amusing and highly unofficial aphorism: 'claws, cocks, heads through rocks', signifying their preference for direct lines of movement and extremely straightforward problem-solving strategies. Despite their focused martial capacities, impressively adequate intellects, and noteworthy degree of hygiene, many line of battle troops demonstrate an unfortunate tendency to look down upon specialists such as engineers and operators. It can occasionally result in a certain degree of inter-service friction." She gave her claws a final review and then put away the whetstone in one of the pouches on her harness. "If I might suggest, you should probably avoid use of the term within earshot of Lochagos Pankurashun. It's possible that he would find it objectionable."



    XP AWARD: 5, +2 for @Tua's hilarious omake.

    This update covered about 5 hours. The plan was well-structured, nicely formatted, and easy to write for. You did a good job of aligning with Hazō's values and giving us potential for plot hooks.

    EDIT: There were originally two additional scenes at the end of this chapter. They are no longer canon but are still available in the Apocrypha. Those scenes included a massive attack on the fort by multiple teams of enemy ninja. The homebrewed rules system that we were using at the time was poorly designed and needing to run a battle that size absolutely broke the QMs, so we put things on hold as we moved to a modified form of the Dresden Files RPG rules.

    Designing the new system and putting together new character sheets took about four months; we continued publishing on schedule during that time but the updates were either omake (i.e., not actually part of MfD canon) or interludes (i.e. things that are canon but don't advance the main plot -- flashbacks, scenes that focus on people other than the main characters, etc. If you want to read:

    • The interludes: Continue by way of the '>>' threadmarks button at the bottom right corner of this post
    • The omake: Check the 'Apocrypha' and 'Sidestory' lists at the bottom of the page, just above the comment box.
    • The next actual story post: Chapter 160 v2: Opening with a Bang
     
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    • faflec said:
    Less than a month ago, lol. We go fast :D
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    Tell me about it. (T_T')

    Y'all make it almost impossible to keep track of everything. I don't know how you do it. The thread is simply too fast for me to read everything now. I still try to contribute what I can, but I always wonder if I'm accidentally repeating something someone else has already thought of and posted.

    I miss having appreciable amounts of free time. Finding occasional breaks each day to peruse this thread is nice, but I miss sinking my proverbial teeth into the various topics we've discussed in the past. Maybe someday I will be able to be a regular poster again, but until then please keep our lovable band of former murder-hobos alive and well...

    ...and by 'well' I mean shamelessly shipping everyone in the most optimal relationships as possible. Gotta have Hazou marry at least Ino, Shikamaru official hitched to Keiko, and Noburi starting his own harem with Hinata and then Sakura.

    Keep the dreams alive guys. I know you can do it and there is absolutely no way shape or form that such aggressive strategies can bite us in the ass. BELIEVE IT!

    (I can't wait until after we rescue Naruto that he will expect to go back to being the protagonist except we will have taken his place and have also taken all of the single ladies. (I guess I have to write that omake now).)
     
    So, I'm a bit rusty on how reverse-summoning works, but couldn't we have Keiko summon her Pangolin messenger who stays with the Toads, pass on the message, and have the Toads reverse summon Jiraiya so he can get the message?
     
    Enjou said:
    So, I'm a bit rusty on how reverse-summoning works, but couldn't we have Keiko summon her Pangolin messenger who stays with the Toads, pass on the message, and have the Toads reverse summon Jiraiya so he can get the message?
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    Summons can only reverse summon people when they are first summoned.

    Good thought, though -- he might check in at some point.

    e:

    Okay, maybe... maybe we can capture someone and give them the choice between being tossed out of the death swamp and dqed or dqing themselves and giving leaf nin a (coded) message wherever possible to get Jiraiy the fuck OUT of the meeting he's in and somewhere to address the existential threat these seals are

    e2: And obviously promise them the world in explosive/storage seals
     
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    Okay, new objective now. We need to keep everyone from getting killed, collect evidence that these seals are dangerous in combat conditions, make sure we don't die, and generally break the entire goddamned event over our knee.

    We have 38 hours. I don't think we'll be sleeping in that time.

    Now, considerations:
    • People aren't going to believe us.
    • The proctors aren't going to believe us.
    • We should already have a chain of people who are willing to trade with us in about a day.
    • Exchanging party trick for night lights might be a viable way forward, but it's not going to be complete.
    • We've got some pangolin bruisers and sneakthiefs, we should use panache as information gathering.
    • Use our codes with the other leaf genin to at least warn them.
    • Get a cracked blank to tenten (i.e. a redrawn, uninfusable version of the seal drawn in normal ink) so that she can confirm. Probably toss Nara onto the list if they've got a smattering of sealing.
    • Generally be willing to hand blanks to anyone who claims to have sealing knowledge so they can confirm Hazou's assessment for themselves.
    • Talk to a proctor to see if they're willing to move seals we collect out of the arena, if not figure out a way to safely-ish detonate the seals. (I.e. tiny explosions are fine, rips into the out are not.). Failing even that just throw them out of the area where people are would be disqualified for going to.
    • Can we get panache to go find any leaf anbu/jounin team leader, and use them to escalate a message to Jiraiya? There's got to be some way for leaf leaders to keep track of the action.
    • @eaglejarl, @OliWhail , @Velorien : we need to know if Hazou thinks there's some predictable damage (e.g. a cut in some specific location on the seal, immersion in water, etc..) that will defuse the seal with no risk to the fabric of reality.
    • We really should test using the wakahiza water drain to get energy back out of the seal, unless Hazou overrules in charecter.
    • We need a truce 5 hours ago, and enough people on our side to knock everyone who isn't part of the truce out.
    • Even people on our side will likely hold a few lights in reserve, this is fine, I don't give a shit if we lose the game anymore. Our victory condition is no tears in the fabric of reality and no deaths to stupid bullshit like a night light seal damaged in combat.
    • We might need to go after the bags of seals the proctors are going for directly, soak them with water or something that will ruin the seals before anyone charges them.
    • After the fact, we're finding the idiot who made these and introducing them to kagome.
    • The right decision is probably for at least one person to disqualify themselves to get a message to Jiraiya. Bribes of seals are totally acceptable. Sakura has civilian parents right? I'd promise her (or anyone else trustworthy) 1000 storage and 1000 explosive seals to do this, that should be worth a few years of wages right? Shikamaru might be another choice if he wants to be lazy.
     
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    Jello_Raptor said:
    Even people on our side will likely hold a few lights in reserve, this is fine, I don't give a shit if we lose the game anymore. Our victory condition is no tears in the fabric of reality and no deaths to stupid bullshit like a night light seal damaged in combat.
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    You have really high expectations, maybe consider lowering them a bit?
     
    faflec said:
    You have really high expectations, maybe consider lowering them a bit?
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    What? You're against keeping the watchers from encasing us in a time stop to prevent whatever unholy abomination gets through the rift from destroying the world?

    More seriously though, this is a health and safety hazard, we can't let ninja die to stupid shit like this. Only to other types of stupid shit.
     
    Another option to consider - have someone deliberately forfeit and leave the swamp in order to deliver a message to Jiraiya and Ren to let them know about the danger posthaste. While the chances of these things failing is relatively low in their normal use, the chances are higher here in the swamp where a bunch of people might break them.

    Hazou doing so himself might especially send a statement, and if Jiraiya is really in the middle of meeting with the Kages right now and confirms the danger, then the even would likely be cancelled anyways.

    In fact, letting Jiraiya know AFTER the event is over would make it look like we didn't take the danger seriously, and that our priority was on a mere exam rather than the safety of all the genin in the swamp taking the exam.
     
    Jello_Raptor said:
    What? You're against keeping the watchers from encasing us in a time stop to prevent whatever unholy abomination gets through the rift from destroying the world?

    More seriously though, this is a health and safety hazard, we can't let ninja die to stupid shit like this. Only to other types of stupid shit.
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    I'd imagine the Watchers would have gutted the guy who invented the seals, not us for not being sufficiently active to prevent it ourselves.

    And yes, we should stop this from happening.
     
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