We don't need it to be clan secret techniques. Just techniques made to our specs that aid in our purposes.
Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
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- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard open voting
We don't need it to be clan secret techniques. Just techniques made to our specs that aid in our purposes.
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
So is this a medium term thing or something?
...
Does Jiraiya not know TH?
Yeah basically. It's just annoying that we can't make new jutsu, and this is a quick fix.
I don't think so. He might, but if he does it hasn't been mentioned that I'm aware of.
Remembered the whole 30 sealmasters thing? Turned out we all remembered it wrong.
It's actually 50.
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
"About 50" can be pretty close to 30.
- Location
- Europe
We are lacking in the 'physical powerful taijutsu waifu'-department.
I approve.
- Location
- Potato land
I don't think he does that in general. It's more like, when he thinks he has an important problem to solve, he goes into this hyperfocused mode where everything, himself included, is reduced to resources in pursuit of a solution. If he took a few minutes to think about Tsunade in a different context, I'm positive he'd be like "Hey, this person is actually pretty amazing!". But, since he was trying to find a way to let Jiraiya keep the hat, he instead went for "How can I use them to achieve my goals?".
This was a useful mindset to have as a missing-nin, where danger lurked around every corner and the only way to keep the team alive was to minmax the shit out of every advantage. In a less adversarial environment, however, it looks very much like cold-hearted ruthlessness, which is very strange given Hazou's general disposition, and I'm sure very confusing to people close to him. What he needs to internalize is that his circumstances have changed, and that he now has more leeway to care about negative externalities.
In hindsight, Jiraiya's "this is why the world is fucked" expose was really not what Hazou needed to hear.
Oh goody, a fallback position in case the Ami date fails!
Cariyaga
Handsome Gentleperson
- Location
- United States
A seal-based dakimakura? :thinking:
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
No I mean we summon the anthropomorphization of Sealing to date.
If we up our socials high enough, we could convince him/her/it to go easy with us on Sealing Failures and maybe parcel out some sweet sweet forbidden lore.
Okay, this particular aspect of the Thing I definitely agree with you on!
We need to keep our Meat Avatar mentally healthy, at the very least. Id like him to be relatively happy too.
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Copying in Mink's comment from Discord:
Interesting idea. Anyone think we can pull off the first step in a way that doesn't actually murder anyone? Like, say, gather the Kage together in some random unpopulated bit of fire Country and demonstrate to them that we can blow up village-sized chunks of land?
Interesting idea. Anyone think we can pull off the first step in a way that doesn't actually murder anyone? Like, say, gather the Kage together in some random unpopulated bit of fire Country and demonstrate to them that we can blow up village-sized chunks of land?
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
Short: No
Longer: I dont think this can be done in such a controlled way with the same efficacy.
Hn. Annoying. My endgoal scenario is basically "Sand, Leaf and Mist make trade treaties to become economically dependent on each other, make the ninja EU, transition into a full-on federation, get minor villages into the federation, make a non-aggression pact with the inevitable Rock-Cloud counterbalance federation", but Mink's idea would have been good too if not for the whole "Nuke someone" premise.
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
We can accomplish the former with less risky behavior and more time investment.
Theres also nothing stopping the other Kage from publicly agreeing to this and then leveling Leaf a month later after some secret backdoor alliancing.
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- Location
- Potato land
My models of the other Kage definitely wouldn't react to Leaf demonstrating nuclear capability with "Oh well, guess we should leave them alone.". From their perspective a promise to not expand and remain neutral is just that, a promise. Even if they believe Jiraiya is committed to the principle, it's not like he'll be Hokage forever, and there's no guarantee his successor wouldn't decide to start leveraging WMDs into more geopolitical muscle. So the rational response would be to descend into a cold war, combining desperate attempts at developing their own nukes with trying to covertly steal Leaf's.
Plus, there's the Watchers, whom I'm almost inclined to interpret as Jiraiya saying "All the major villages have WMDs already, please don't touch that barrel of gunpowder lest we all wake up to smell the ashes one day.".
Plus, there's the Watchers, whom I'm almost inclined to interpret as Jiraiya saying "All the major villages have WMDs already, please don't touch that barrel of gunpowder lest we all wake up to smell the ashes one day.".
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Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
Actually, it could potentially be far worse than that.
My personal take on their reactions could range from "Cold War Arms Race" to "Secret Alliance to Destroy Leaf." to "Maximum Threat: Destroy Leaf and kill Jiraiya immediately."
Like, replace the Kage with 5 Voldemorts (or Raistlins, if you prefer a slightly more intelligent Dark Wizard)
What do you think the response of Raistlins 2-5 are upon learning Raistlin 1 has nukes? They band together to destroy Raisltin 1 nigh instantaneously and then render his empire into ash to protect against further threats.
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- Location
- The state of Paranoia
I have an idea. If we're having a clanless nin train to be our technique hacker, we could just promise to adopt him into the clan once he's proven trustworthy, has finished his training, and is ready to work on secret techniques. Once he's in the clan, we can set him to work researching anything that requires opsec.
While doing everything they can to get the nukes for themselves of course.
While trying to prevent the others from getting their grubby hands on those sweet, sweet nukes.
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If we can, sure. We should run the idea past J at least.
Although... If Naruto is a THer like in canon, we'll be getting one anyway if things go well.
Jello_Raptor
(Confirmed Jelly)
- Location
- Left of Center
*just read the plan*
*wants cookies now*
*wants cookies now*
Jello_Raptor
(Confirmed Jelly)
- Location
- Left of Center
We already know he likes seals, and likes to use them in amounts that would make Kagome only complain a little.
I'd figure it's more likely that he's at least a basic sealmaker, if not a sealmaster in his own right.
Chapter 213: A Secret Mission
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
November 24, Sunrise-10am
In theory, Kagome and Hazō were researching the seals that Hazō had seen back in the casino so very long ago, in what seemed like another lifetime. And, in truth, some of that was happening.
There were, however, frequent breaks. The news about Akane dumping him had left Hazō shaken and his mood kept wobbling from calm and focused to emotional and distracted.
Most of the emotion was anger, and some of that anger was for Akane—she was supposed to be the mature and socially adept one in the relationship, so would it have killed her to just say what was bothering her and give him a chance to improve? No, instead she kept it private and then ended things with no warning. How was he supposed to fix a problem he didn't know existed?!
Of course, that wasn't fair and he knew it wasn't fair. He had been the one in the wrong, the one that made Akane feel like she didn't matter, the one too blind to even know that he was doing it. The one too prideful and too stupid to recognize that he was making her miserable.
Well, maybe not miserable. That wasn't fair to himself; even Mari-sensei didn't think that he had ever made Akane miserable. Her estimates, and she took care to emphasize that they were only estimates, said that his former apprentice had simply been unhappy, realized that it was only going to get worse, and been wise enough to end it before it got really bad for either of them. Honestly, Mari-sensei told him in a tone that was clearly intended to be gentle but felt more like blunt claws in his chest, Akane had probably done the right thing. The two of them would both need time to stabilize, but afterwards they would be friends again, and probably friends for life. That had its own joys, Mari-sensei assured him in a completely unhelpful way.
He hoped they would be friends again. Akane was his inspiration, and he would be lost if she cut him out of her life. Her cheer and insight always dragged him out of his head, her social graces had slowly been rubbing off on him and helping him to improve. His OPSEC skills (such as they were), his ability to relate to others...some of it was from hard-earned experience, some was from Mari-sensei's patient training, but much of it was the result of trying to live up to Akane's example.
Possibly the worst part of the morning was that Kagome-sensei was being a pain in the ass. All Hazō wanted to do was research those fucking seals that he'd been carrying around in his brain for nigh-on two years, but his twitchy teacher kept insisting that they take breaks and play games. Granted, all of those games were Kagome-sensei-flavored (meaning 'involved copious amounts of explosives') and some of those were a lot of fun. "Who can be first to blow up all the training dummies that some unknown person has dressed up to look like cheating-eyeball Hyūga cheaters" and "What happens if we stuff an explosive tag in a thing?" (For values of 'thing' that ranged from fruit to an origami paper box with a Five-Seal-Barrier on it to a freshly-killed squirrel carcass. (Hazō had briefly speculated, with a certain dark and sullen intensity, about trying it with a live squirrel, but decided that Akane wouldn't have approved and that FutureHazō probably wouldn't either.)) Given that they had the explosives out it seemed worthwhile to do something useful, so they also blew the everloving crap out of several large trees, exploded them into useful-size chunks, and stocked up on the resulting firewood and tinder.
Keiko, Noburi, and Mari-sensei had been keeping them company, staying off to one side of the training field and doing their own thing while the sealmasters did their experiments, both seal-related and explosive.
The sun was only halfway up the sky when Jiraiya arrived. The Hokage wasn't sprinting, but he wasn't dawdling either.
"Everyone go get your skywalkers," he said with no preamble. "I need all of them. Kagome, don't screw around. I'll help you make more, but I need everything you've got. Noburi, you stay."
Hazō glanced at his brother in surprise. Noburi shrugged back.
"Move!" Jiraiya snapped.
The clan moved.
o-o-o-o
It took ten minutes to get back to the family compound and no more than five for everyone to dig out their skywalkers, including the secret stashes that all of them had hidden in various places throughout the house.
Noburi and Jiraiya arrived just as the others were about to head back to the training field with seals in hand. Noburi said not a word as he went to his room and grabbed his field pack (the full-size one, not just the smaller go-bag). A simple "Gotta go" and a quick round of hugs later, he and Jiraiya were gone. The Sannin tossed a brief "Don't hold dinner" over his shoulder just before the door closed behind them.
"Before any of you ask, I don't know what that was about," Mari-sensei said. "There's a reasonable chance we never will, either, so try not to get too tied up in speculation. You'll just make yourself crazy."
Hazō glared after his Clan Head and adopted brother. Wasn't it just typical that no one bothered to tell him anything? It wasn't like he hadn't proven himself to have useful ideas. He was the one who had invented skywalkers and skytowers, thereby transforming warfare forever. (Sure, Kagome-sensei had done the research, but that was trivial; it was the idea that mattered, not the grunt work.) He was the one who had initiated the plan to bring them to Leaf and therefore gotten Jiraiya the hat. He was the one who had made the plans that demolished the Exams, thereby getting Leaf half the slots in the tournament and amazing trade deals that would give Jiraiya a good chance of holding onto the Hokageship. (Sure, Keiko had helped refine the plans, but that was trivial; they were Hazō's ideas and none of the team's success would have happened without him.)
All that, and he clearly still wasn't trusted. Whatever Jiraiya was up to, he should have asked Hazō to help.
He sighed and shook his head to dislodge the resentful thoughts. They weren't reasonable, and he knew that weren't. Jiraiya was a competent adult and spymaster; whatever he was off to do, it was clearly highly sensitive and it made sense that no one who didn't absolutely need to know should be told. Also, Kagome-sensei and Keiko deserved some credit for their contributions to the skywalkers and the Exams.
"Giving up all our skywalkers," Kagome-sensei grumbled. "Stinker darn well better help me make more."
"Fine," Hazō said. "Mari-sensei says we shouldn't think about it, so let's go do something else. I have a list of all the things to do. Oh, and also?" He leaped upwards, flipping around to stick his feet to the ceiling with chakra. "From now on, the floor is lava—we all need to get some training on three-dimensional movement in case they put trees or something in the tournament arena."
Keiko and Mari-sensei exchanged looks, long-suffering and concerned/amused respectively. "Hazō..." Mari-sensei began.
"Look, we can have fun and train, right?"
"I...suppose."
"Good. I'm gonna go punch some jōnin." He dashed across the ceiling, down the wall to where he could reach the latch of the door, opened it, and vanished into the late-morning sun.
Keiko and Hazō's two sensei stood, staring after him in wordless bemusement.
"I guess he doesn't want to finish blowing up the watermelons," Kagome-sensei said sadly.
o-o-o-o
November 24, 2pm
"...Thanks, but I'm a little busy right now," Asuma said calmly. "Yūhi and I were just going over training schedules for a combined team exercise next week."
Gōketsu clearly didn't buy it for a second. He fought to keep the skepticism off his face, although he did pointedly look around at the garden patio of the café where Asuma and Kurenai were having their totally-not-a-date. It was an upscale place with carefully tended plants and small trees in artistically-arranged planters. The food was elegant, expensive, and not sharing tablespace with any papers or records of any sort. There were some of those in Asuma's bag, mostly intended as cover, but he hadn't bothered bringing them out yet. He hadn't expected a manic teenager to come bouncing over the roof of the restaurant and down into the garden, where he chakra-adhered to the tree next to them, standing parallel to the ground in a distracting way that made it hard to focus on the conversation.
"Maybe next week?" the kid asked hopefully.
Asuma took a deep breath in an effort to draw patience directly from the air into his body, but he took care that his friendly smile never slipped. "Sure. Let's say Tuesday at three. I'll come to your compound and we can spar."
"Great! Thanks!"
Asuma waited several seconds. "So...was there anything else?" he asked, a slight hint of pointedness creeping into his tone.
"Oh, yeah: Games night! We're having Gōketsu-family dinner and games night the day after tomorrow, and we'd like you guys to come. You can bring your teams if you want. It starts at sundown and Mari-sensei said that no one was to bring anything because she needs to get rid of the leftovers and if anyone brings stuff then something of hers won't get eaten."
Asuma and Kurenai exchanged looks. "Sure," she said. "Sounds like a good time. We'll see you at sundown."
"Great!" The teenager raced off, avoiding touching the ground as though it were made of lava.
"Is it just me or is that kid a little weird?"
"It's not just you," Kurenai assured him. "Has he been training with Gai's kids?"
Asuma shrugged helplessly. "Dunno. Still, he's hanging out with Jiraiya and that redhead, and making seals with that crazy explosives guy. I guess we shouldn't be too surprised."
"Eh," she said. "Still better than that Lee kid." She took a sip of her tea. "Or Kakashi."
Asuma shuddered. "Oh, god, don't remind me. I'm so glad he's out of town."
"He still mooching your beer?"
He nodded. "I'll wake up at two in the morning and he's draped over my couch with a beer and that smutty book of his. And he likes to sit upside down, with his feet on the back of the couch and his head hanging off the front. I mean, seriously?"
"Have you thought about not buying beer?"
He shot her an overly exaggerated dirty look. "Be silent, foul woman."
She snorted and rubbed her foot on his under the table.
o-o-o-o
November 25, 7am
Hazō grunted as his face met the turf at high speed.
"That was a most youthful feint, young Gōketsu! Was that not youthful, Lee?"
"Indeed, sensei! Most youthful!"
"I thank you, my most youthful opponent, for granting me the opportunity to spar with you! I am quite enjoying it! Come, let us try again!"
o-o-o-o
Hazō grunted as he hit the ground on his back, all the wind knocked out of him.
"Your taijutsu is exceptional, and very youthful indeed! Please, grant me another round!"
o-o-o-o
Hazō hissed in pain as he crashed back into the trunk of the tree, his head bouncing painfully off a burl.
"Wonderful! Your youth flows like a river! Please, show me that hook punch deceit again that I may learn it better!"
o-o-o-o
Hazō slid twenty feet across the grass before he managed to arrest his momentum. Then he lay there, trying to make the world stop spinning so that he could figure out which way was down. Standing up was difficult if you tried to stand on the sky.
"Wonderful! Again!"
o-o-o-o
Ooof.
"Your youth is amazing!"
o-o-o-o
Ow.
"So youthful!"
o-o-o-o
Owowowowow.
"Youth!"
o-o-o-o
November 25, 5pm
"Excuse me," Hazō said. "Mrs. Yamanaka?"
Yamanaka Neira would have looked positively grandmotherly if she'd been wearing an apron and baking cookies instead of sitting at an office in the slightly-restricted-but-okay-because-you're-the-Hokage's-kid part of the T&I department. In this gray stone room, with the stacks of papers arranged with brutal perfection in front of her, 'grandmotherly' did not seem like the best descriptor.
"I did say that you could call me Neira if you wanted to. What can I do for you?"
"I...I was wondering if maybe you had some time to talk with me? I know you've been working on Kagome-sensei's therapy, and I could really use some help about now. See, my girlfriend just dumped me and I don't know why, and—"
"Young man," she said firmly. "Your teacher is an interesting case study in neurosis and psychological damage. I'm learning a lot about how to render damaged ninja useful again, either as soldiers or as interrogation targets. As to you and I? I doubt that there is much either of us could learn from the other."
Hazō blinked in surprise. "But, I thought you helped people?"
"I am working with your uncle as a favor to Jiraiya, but this does not mean that my schedule isn't full—for example, dear Ibiki decided to bring me in for a consult on a particularly interesting case and that has been tying up most of my time. I wish you all the success with getting over your teenage crush, but there's very little I can do there."
"She wasn't just my crush! We loved each other!"
"Yes, well, I've met a lot of young men who felt the same way. They usually get over it quite quickly when the next pretty girl comes along. Every teenager thinks that their first love is their last and they're never willing to hear otherwise. I assure you, you'll fall in love again and this girl will become a pleasant or perhaps bittersweet memory. In the meantime, if you are in need of comfort, I suggest the red-light district."
Hazō glared at her. "You're saying I'm just a kid who doesn't know any better."
She returned his look with unruffled equanimity. "I would choose the word 'inexperienced', but yes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some transcripts I need to analyze."
"I'm not, you know. I'm...well, not completely grown, but I'm still an adult in every way that matters. I kept my team together out in the wilds, I got us through the Exams, and I'll do whatever's necessary to protect them, and Leaf, going forward. I just...wanted some advice, is all."
She sighed in annoyance. "Young man, my advice is this: Leave the girl completely alone and tend to yourself. Go to a bar, or a brothel, or a party. Drink yourself unconscious for a night or ten. Bed anything that you desire and will have you, whether it be girls, boys, or sheep. Bemoan the unfairness of the world, punch trees, write horrible and poorly-scanned poetry about the abyss within your soul. Go stand atop Hokage Monument at sundown and scream your pain into the void. After a week or two you'll start to feel silly about it all, and a month after that you'll be mostly over her. Six months later, you'll either have a new girl or be getting over one. Now, if you'll excuse me?"
o-o-o-o
November 25, 6:30pm
The Gōketsu clan were sitting around the table, nomming on tasty fried rice and fish while carefully not noticing the amazing collection of bruises Hazō was sporting. Word had gotten around that he'd challenged Gai to a spar first thing in the morning and kept going for half a day. In fact, "word had gotten around" was the polite way to describe a popcorn-munching crowd.
"So, did you find everyone you wanted to invite to games night?" Mari-sensei asked, looking for a safe topic.
"Yeah," Hazō grunted. "All except for Kakashi. No idea where he was. Gai gave me a bunch of suggestions on where to look, but he wasn't in any of them."
"With anyone else, I'd say he was on a mission, but he's such a well-known kook that he might just be snoozing in some randomly-chosen civilian's attic without their knowledge."
"In regards to missions, has there been any word regarding Noburi or Jiraiya?" Keiko asked.
"Jiraiya's back," said Mari-sensei. "He got in around midday, stopped here very briefly to get the road dust off and get some clean clothes, then vanished into the Tower. Said not to hold dinner again. Noburi is still out, and Jiraiya wouldn't even give me an estimate on when he'd be back."
"What was Jiraiya's mental state?"
"Remember the Stimulants Incident? He was about twice that, and he hadn't been taking any stimulants."
Keiko raised an eyebrow. "That would suggest good news."
"I wonder if he—"
Hazō cut off mid-sentence when someone began pounding at the door and shouting. The door was too far away and too thick to make out the words, but it was a safe bet that they were something along the lines of "Let me in!"
"Either of you expecting anyone?" he asked.
Keiko shook her head.
"I could totally imagine Anko doing that," Mari-sensei said. "Oh, by the way, I invited her to games night. Anyway, I can't see why she'd be here now. Unless she's confused about today's date."
Hazō stood up and slipped his gauntlets on before padding down the hallway on the ceiling. (The floor, after all, was lava.) Keiko and Mari-sensei followed behind, walking on the floor like boring plebs. Keiko at least had a kunai in each hand.
Whoever was outside the door, they were excited or upset about something, because they kept pounding and calling out. Halfway down the hall, Hazō's eyes went wide and he raced forward at maximum chakra boost, leaping off the ceiling and flinging the door open before throwing himself at the woman on the threshold and grabbing her in a crushing grip.
"Momma!"
XP AWARD: 6
BONUS XP: 1 (concise plan)
FP AWARD: 0
As shown by the timestamps, this plan covered two days (24th and 25th), ending at sundown / dinner time. (By the way: No, you never landed a single hit on Gai.) Games night is scheduled for tomorrow and you have invited the following people, all of whom are currently expected to attend:
- Nakano Ryōichi and his genin squad
- Lee/Neji/Tenten/Gai
- Shikamaru/Ino/Chōji/Asuma
- Hinata/Shino/Kiba/Kurenai
- Anko
Vote time! What to do now?
Voting ends on Wednesday, 26 September, 2018, at 12pm London time.
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- Location
- Somewhere over the rainbow
...
Alright, so some bits worked, other bits didn't, and apparently break-up fellings are casting a pall on our XP growth. Tragic.
In other news, Jiraiya has a huge lead. This means we should probably be proactive in making fuck-tons of skywalker blanks, because he's probably going to need them soon; either he's going to need to travel a large distance or bring a lot of the remaining high-rankers with him, possibly both, so we should dedicate some time to making hundreds to thousands of skywalker blanks; Exam prep is comparitively less important.
Alright, so some bits worked, other bits didn't, and apparently break-up fellings are casting a pall on our XP growth. Tragic.
In other news, Jiraiya has a huge lead. This means we should probably be proactive in making fuck-tons of skywalker blanks, because he's probably going to need them soon; either he's going to need to travel a large distance or bring a lot of the remaining high-rankers with him, possibly both, so we should dedicate some time to making hundreds to thousands of skywalker blanks; Exam prep is comparitively less important.
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
Dissonance
Luna's Luna
- Location
- Ginnungagap.
- Pronouns
- S/H/T
This is something I do regularly. I've taken to keeping paperclips on me so I can attach my shirt to my pants when reading upside-down in trees, on my rare forays outside.