Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
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- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
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- USA
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- He/Him
I happened to reread this chapter today, and the discussion after it made me smile. Look at how many predictions came true -- the hivemind has some damn smart people. Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
Yes, but sunk costs are a thing and the MC is kinda already dating his foremost acolyte in between marrying a building-sized spider to earn the right to cripple himself to try to save the the entire everything during a world war while fending off the weird crush of an unkillable chief blood cultist and that's just the beginning of just what is being currently dealt with.
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- Pacific standard
On the FS ultimate technique: it's not entirely clear if the user gets the penalty no matter how they're Taken Out. It'd lead to some interesting situations if the user could knock themselves out (maybe filling all possible consequences for a better roll on the coma?). Especially if the user *doesn't know* when the technique will end normally, every round they continue to FS is a bigger and bigger gamble. This is basically a more extreme version of the "stand still for a round after combat" thing.
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Hey hey! He's not a sky *fairy* he's a sky *elf* get it right!
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- He/Him
He's a sky High Elf, you heretic! Burn! Burn forevermore!
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- Pacific standard
Oh God the fire! It's almost as bad as the sardines!!!
Oh, now it's on. Time to drop the Bombadil levels of on. I'd say "be very careful what you start and the fact that that I am capable of laughing at myself doesn't mean that I'm not also perfectly willing and capable of returning fire" but you've already made your choice. Game on motherfucker.
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- Pacific standard
^_^ don't worry lailoken, I know creative threats are how you show affection. I love you too buddy
I have never hated and loved and hated myself for loving somebody so much.
I have a response, but I kinda already used it. That should teach me to refresh the thread before hitting "post".
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- Pacific standard
My girlfriends love language is biting. Figure out why you express affection that way and you can easily find another, more pro social outlet. This advice would also be good for Kei, amusingly. Stop jokingly threatening to stab Hazō damnit
I'm trying, but seeking help naturally involves trust, and that is difficult when you are certifiably trained to think of psychology as "a cute game to play while waiting for the imaging results to get back," and have a personal history of medical professionals outright betraying every oath they ever took to say, "the literally tried-at-the-Hague" level of child endangerment, starvation, and torture isn't working. Let's try adding more child torture resulting in the child needing to stare down and defeat a goddamned mountain lion in desperate mortal combat."
So, in summary, Mormons suck, and trust can be difficult to muster because Mormons suck. That's probably going to anger some people and they will probably get the mods involved and all accumulated evidence is that the mods will make the worst possible decision, but that's a big part of the reason that I am who I am in the same way that that is the a big part of the reason that I can casually kick a car door off of it's hinges and why I would be only too happy to swear under legally binding oath that Mormons suck. I get that it's possible to be multiple things at once and I know for a fact that at least some Mormons are sincerely compassionate people who genuinely want to make the world a better place, but the very same thing can be be said about some Nazis. Being a good person doesn't mean that you wouldn't be a better person if you hadn't also decided to be a fucking Nazi and starve and torture helpless children.
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Chapter 476: The Price of Rationality
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- UK
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- He/Him
The battle was over. They had all survived, though if Hazō closed his eyes, he could still hear hungry whispers from the abyss gaping open where Orochimaru's soul should have been. Tsunade had brushed off their effusive thanks with her usual impatience and headed back to the hospital without delay. Shikamaru had run back to the Nara compound at ninja speed to start disabling contingencies. The rest of them, in no state for much of anything at all, had limped after at the best speed that Hazō could manage, meaning that it took thirty minutes to reach the estate. After another thirty minutes of investigation from various serious-eyed Nara they were pronounced unfettered and free-willed, at which point Shikamaru was able to reclaim and burn the orders that would have destroyed Leaf. With the final stress of the engagement released, they retreated to a discreet distance (which was to say outdoors where there were multiple escape routes and ninja witnesses within line of sight), and paused to catch a breath. The sun was still in the sky, and its sparkly reflections in the icicles hanging off the eaves of the surrounding buildings were exactly the kind of life-affirming Hazō needed after being crushed between the wills of two titans.
"So," Hazō said with an exhausted smile, "who wants to go back to the compound for some celebratory hot chocolate? Shikamaru can let the Keikosphere know that you two are OK, but Mari and the others must be worried sick—"
He cut himself off, but it was too late. Kei's expression shut down. Snowflake's didn't, but her eyes narrowed, and the warmth in them that had been directed at Hazō disappeared instantly.
"You are welcome to inform her of our survival in the face of her efforts," Kei said coldly. "I find no appeal in the idea of interacting with her, directly or indirectly."
Oh, yeah. That. Hazō was happy to take on wars, apocalypses, and fundamental laws of metaphysics anytime, but he had no idea where to even begin fixing what Mari—no, what Orochimaru had broken.
"She's not your enemy," he tried anyway. "You know she placed herself in serious danger by distracting Orochimaru so we could get away. I think it's obvious from looking at her that he did something, even if she's still got all her limbs."
"As is only fair," Snowflake countered, crossing her arms as if to block any attempt at connection on Mari's behalf. "Not that she was hurt, specifically, but the fact that after she sentenced us to death without our knowledge or consent, she took a fraction of the risk back onto herself, thus rendering our doom merely probable rather than certain. By rights the entirety of the risk should have been hers—she is not our Kage, nor even our clan head, and has no right to sacrifice anyone but herself—and the fact that this was not possible in practice does not mean that there being some risk to her was somehow heroic. Or do you feel we should sing songs of praise that she did not deliver us to Orochimaru with her own two hands?"
"She treated me as a tool," Kei said quietly. Her voice wasn't angry so much as weak, the way you'd expect from one who'd been stabbed in the back only the previous night and barely survived. "First a tool for her ambition, then a tool for her redemption, and now a tool for the survival of her preferred child."
The words sunk into Hazō, only a minute ago exhausted but triumphant, like venom settling into flesh. Mari had chosen Hazō over Kei. It was simple, factual, and could not be denied. Events had proved it to be the correct choice, the path on which both of them ultimately survived—as opposed to the alternative where Orochimaru might have taken Hazō there and then, and broken or killed him before any countermeasures could be enacted. Kei had already admitted that it was a rational decision.
But how would any child (or whatever Kei was to Mari), never mind one struggling to believe that she was worthy of love, feel on seeing their parent choose, unprompted, for them to die so that the family favourite might live? The decision could be rational a thousand times over, but how would it feel?
"I am aware that you are more valuable, Hazō," Kei said with the even rhythm of a Mori laying out her thoughts step by step. Once, he would have been fooled. "I have more on my shoulders now than I could once have imagined, hundreds whose paths will be darker without me, but still, when the stakes are Uplift for the entire world, I am expendable and you are not. I wish to believe that, weak as I am, I would have made the choice to sacrifice myself for you had one been offered.
"I am also aware that there is a rift between Mari and myself which further decreases my value to her. Still, until now, I had believed that there was room to mend it, that even if neither she nor I nor Snowflake could see a way out of this miserable stalemate, some brilliant third party, or some shift in circumstances that I lack the imagination to foresee, would offer a new way.
"But Hazō… I do not wish to be a tool. That path has taken me as far as it can, if it ever took me anywhere at all, and to persist would be a betrayal not only of myself but of all those who need me to be better. I cannot be Mari's playing piece, to be deployed at her convenience and maybe not sacrificed if somebody else happens to come to the rescue. Mori Keiko would have trusted in Mari's judgement and allowed it. Nara Kei does not have the luxury.
"And beyond that… I cannot live this way. I was born into a life where everything about me was conditional, where resources were invested into me to the extent that a return on investment was expected, and where when it was rational to transfer my share of parental attention to Ami, transferred it was. My clan would have sacrificed me the instant it judged it necessary. To do otherwise would have been to fail in its duty both to the village and to the welfare of its other members.
"You showed me another way, Hazō. Even Ami was unable to shift the will of the clan at large, but you gave me a life where my value was unconditional. You came back for me, you chose to risk your life against the Liberator's finest in order to save me, and though the voices in my mind whisper that Akane and Noburi were your true priorities, I know now that is not who you are. Even if one day you choose to sacrifice me for the sake of Uplift, it will be with tears in your eyes, not as a result of efficient resource distribution."
"Sacrifice us," Snowflake corrected, with less sorrow and more vibrating fury in her voice. "I wonder if I even entered Mari's calculations, or if not, just how many she was prepared to sacrifice for Hazō's sake. You, Hazō, recalled and listed our many sisters as yet unborn, at least as cognitively independent beings. It is, perhaps, unfair to weight our existence based on a possibility that might never materialise, but I would bet the Nara coffers to which I have no claim that the equation never entered Mari's mind.
"Kei had not yet been able to process the blow when we last reintegrated, so I do not have access to her conclusions, but I believe I speak for both of us when I say that it is impossible for us to see our would-be murderer as family. That, too, is something Mari sacrificed on our behalf."
"Her choice was rational," Kei said, reaching out so she could take Snowflake's hand. "Perhaps in her place, were your welfare my ultimate priority, Hazō, and another girl's non-critical but important, and sacrificing the girl sprang instantly to mind and there was no time to seek alternatives, I would have done the same. For that reason, Mori Keiko cannot declare Mari an enemy. But Nara Kei is not strong enough to reach towards the light while loving someone who sees her torturous death as but another weight upon the scale.
"I am severing ties with Mari, Hazō. Perhaps, in time, I will be able to see her as I see Mai or Reo, whose emotional weight is insufficient to impact on my activities at the Gōketsu compound. Or perhaps Mari and I, rational beings both, will come to some arrangement where I can visit without crossing paths with her unless clan business explicitly demands it. At the limits of my imagination, perhaps one day we will both be mature enough to become pleasant acquaintances, as former lovers might. Until then, however, I fear I must refuse your invitation. Snowflake, do as you will. I would prefer not to be alone, but if Tenten or Shikamaru are available, perhaps we can while away an hour or two at a café within tether range of the Gōketsu compound."
Snowflake shook her head. "I… I don't know what I want. Not yet. However, even if my intent was to plumb the very depths of forgiveness, this is not a mood in which to face her, for both our sakes. Hazō, at some point soon I would like to thank you properly for your role in this series of events, but for the moment I feel it would be better for both of us to be somewhere… emotionally safe."
"I get it," Hazō said even though he wasn't sure he did. "I'll drop by the Nara compound soon anyway to do the same with Shikamaru, so at minimum I'll see you then."
Kei and Snowflake bowed. Then, they turned around, taking each other's hands again, and walked away, leaving perfectly parallel tracks through the snow.
-o-
Watching his family tear itself apart had done nothing good for Hazō's celebratory mood. He'd been at enough of a loss when Kei and Mari had fought over the Swamp of Death, and, like Kei, he'd had faith that somehow, at some point, things would sort themselves out. Now, Mari had, for the very best of reasons, committed the ultimate betrayal against someone whose existing anger had been the flip side of deep love. How did you come back from something like that? How could Hazō fix things when Kei had just shown him feelings too complicated to identify with, and he didn't even dare try to step into Mari's shoes? And if not him, who else?
And then there was self-care, so to speak. Twice in twenty-four hours, Hazō had been struck by the soul-deep violation that was Orochimaru's pointed will. Tsunade hadn't helped, or rather, she had—Sage's blood, she had—but getting caught in her aura hadn't left him unshaken either. He'd had all the stress of knowing Orochimaru might be after him—not for a fact, like Kei had, but it didn't take a high probability to stress you out when the possibility was of being kidnapped and vivisected. The world war, while honestly an afterthought right now, also preyed on the back of his mind, because he knew for a fact that Leaf would do better with his active involvement than without. He also knew that if Operation Clean Sweep led to catastrophe for Leaf, it would all be his fault, sending hundreds to their potential deaths so that he and his sister could live.
Right now, the Hagoromo could turn up at the gates with torches and pitchforks, waving conclusive scriptural proof that the Gōketsu were traitors to the Will of Fire, and he'd still have to delegate dealing with it. He was just in no condition.
Maybe he should head to the Seventh Path and borrow some puppies. According to both Akane and Ami, puppies made everything better, and when both extremes of common sense agreed on something…
But first, Mari. He had to deal with Mari. He'd left her in Akane and Noburi's care, and if those two between them couldn't cheer someone up, it could not be done. But Hazō was still her clan head, and he was her friend, and he'd be doing a poor job of either of those if he didn't at least check in on her and do what he could.
Mari. Oh, Mari. He had no idea what to say to her. He didn't even know how he felt himself. There was an argument for dismissing the issue and moving on—the consequences had been resolved, and the damage done—but at the same time, there was still a certain emptiness inside him, and any man who could see one loved one sacrifice another and remain unmoved just because it was rational was a man who didn't deserve either of them.
Mari had probably saved his life, so he could hardly call her decision wrong (though his inner Kei muttered that, had events gone differently at any of a dozen points, all it would have accomplished was certain death for her in addition to the potential death for him). But on the other hand, even as the beneficiary rather than the victim, he couldn't not look back and wonder what it said about a person that they could sacrifice a loved one, within seconds of having the idea, just because it was rational and right. He knew Mari well, or thought he did, and the image of a woman who'd rebelled against a lifetime of cold pragmatism to dedicate herself to nurturing a family didn't quite line up with that of a woman who'd throw some of that family to the wolves in a heartbeat if it improved the rest's odds of survival.
It did line up with the Heartbreaker.
The Heartbreaker wouldn't hesitate to throw away the queen to protect the king, nor, once the king was safe, to rescue the queen at the last second with a calculated risk.
Mari hadn't reverted to the Heartbreaker. Hazō had far, far more faith in her than that. But still, what had just happened left him cold. If Mari would sacrifice Kei for the greater good, any greater good, what would she sacrifice during the next emergency? Or during what she decided was the next emergency? Or, on a level less extreme than the juggling of loved ones, what would she sacrifice for the sake of the clan?
Could he trust her to make such sacrifices, when Gōketsu Mari, the Lady of Lies, the Queen of Cunning, the Mistress of Misdirection and the Doyenne of Deceit, who mere minutes earlier had pulled the wool over the eyes of a demigod, then came up with nothing better than to turn Kei into that same demigod's dinner?
No, it wasn't fair to think that way, with the benefit of hindsight, without an unstoppable monster looming over his shoulder. If he was going to have faith in Mari at all, then he had to have faith that the elite jōnin, who'd been running rings around master manipulators when he was still in the Academy, had made the best choice available to her under the circumstances—and if it wasn't perfect, well, she was going to have to live with the consequences more than anyone.
Gōketsu Mari had made Orochimaru want to kidnap and vivisect Kei (and yes, Snowflake) in order to save Hazō. Hazō could be as grateful or as forgiving or as distrustful as he liked—none of it would stop that from being written into the Gōketsu Clan's history forever.
-o-
"Mari."
Hazō's stepmother/cousin/sister/Mari looked up at him from the depths of the armchair into which she'd sunk like a sky squid hiding inside a cloud. This wasn't the standard-issue Mari who'd attended the clan meeting earlier, but a model rarely seen in the wild, with no makeup and wrapped in a chakra alpaca-fur dressing gown big enough to serve as a tent if you unfolded all the layers. A mug of hot chocolate stood on the table in front of her, together with Icha Icha 4: Kissed With a Loving Seal, open at that awful scene she loved to read bits out of whenever she felt like messing with Hazō but couldn't be bothered to get up.
"Thank the ancestors you're all right," Mari said, a warm smile finding its way onto her face to replace a hollow, distant expression. "I take it everything went according to plan?"
"More or less," Hazō said. "Orochimaru promised to behave, and while I doubt that promise is worth the paper it wasn't written on, he got the core message that Tsunade would wipe the floor with him if he laid a finger on me, Kei, or anyone else. I'm tentatively optimistic.
"But forget that. I didn't get a chance to say this earlier, but Mari, I'm so glad you're safe. You have no idea how worried we were last night."
"Thank you, Hazō," Mari said.
"No, thank you. Mari, you saved me from Orochimaru's maw, and in his case that's only barely an idiom. You saved my life. More than my life, even, I suspect. Again. For the zillionth time. I can't thank you enough."
She un-sunk a little. "All in a day's work for the Gōketsu Clan matriarch. Although… I guess Kei might not be so happy, huh?"
Hazō looked at Mari again and made a snap decision that it wasn't the time.
"She's happy to be off Orochimaru's grocery list," he said, "and less happy otherwise, but I don't think that's something you should worry about right now. Orochimaru's going to be off to terrorise the Isanese by tomorrow morning, which I have to admit I don't feel as bad about as I probably should, given how they treated you. We have a little time to feel like ourselves again before we get word back from Mist, or Cloud does whatever it is Cloud is plotting to do next, or some other disaster happens out of nowhere as they always do."
Mari raised an eyebrow pointedly.
"You know what I mean, Mari. We take our rest where we can find it, so make sure you take a rest. Clan head order."
Mari smirked. "Well, I was going to complete my cunning master plan to take over the Hagoromo and pave the way for our ideological conquest of Leaf, but a clan head order's a clan head order. If you need me, I'll be right here enjoying Supreme Sealmaster Raiji's passionate encounters with his long-lost love Dr Natsune."
"Mari," Hazō asked as she picked up the book, "is there anything you want to talk about? No pressure, obviously—if you just want me to leave you alone to enjoy your dubious literature, that's fine—but given everything that's happened, if you want a friendly ear…"
Mari hesitated for just a brief second.
"'Oh, Natsune,' Rai declared in his booming manly voice, 'only the thought of your limpid mahogany eyes kept me alive in the hell that was Hidden Promontory. I would imagine your gaze travelling down my body as I reached for my'—"
"ONE LAST THING."
"—enormous, throbbing—"
"How do you feel about affectionate puppies?" Hazō nearly growled.
"Your ideas are intriguing to me and I will call Noburi in to top up your chakra."
-o-
To be continued by the powers of @eaglejarl. Voting is closed.
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- He/Him
Wow! You beat @faflec. Is that allowed?!
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- The Maple Syrup Mountains
On the one hand, enough content regarding Kei, Snowflake, and Mari to fill out an entire Velorien update. On the other hand, EJ gets to write the puppies...
I see this as an absolute win!
I see this as an absolute win!
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- USA
And depending on how badly the conversation with Hinata goes, punching as well!
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- United States
Fingers crossed this doesn't mean our super rational plan doesn't come with a big cost. Oh wait, this wasn't one of our push glasses up to nose plans, it was just some puppy fun time. What does this mean then?
Awfully optomistic to think the witnesses would stop him if he really wanted to do anything.
This really isn't the time to talk to her about this. Especially with other ninja in line of sight. Air your grievances in private after destressing with puppies.
Oh
I don't think we should address this next update. We need to let Kei have some space from Mari before anything can happen.
sighs
I repeat:
DO NOT TRY TO "FIX" ANYTHING NEXT UPDATE
She probably did, at least for the moment. I wonder what it would take for her to tell Hazō about the Council of Mari and the state his letter left her in.
I thought none of this was being recorded into history of any kind. Asuma never left us to die, after all. I know that's not what Hazō is saying here, but it bears mentioning all the same.
Takes notes on what langauge is actually helpful for her.
Yay!
Yay, she's open to the idea. Also, this way Eagle get's to write all the puppy scenes. Odd how that turned out.
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No.
I'm honestly expecting to get banned for breaking the thread's biggest rule.
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