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Math on salt production
So, salt. We have a vague idea about stuff but let's crunch some numbers.

The way we intend to get salt is by evaporating salt water that we isolate from the rest of the sea with MEW walls, more or less. How much salt can we get out of this?

Well, evaporation cares less about volume and more about surface area. According to this neat article about swimming pool evaporation, we can expect roughly 0.25 inches of water to evaporate each day. This means for a hypothetical 10ft x 10ft surface area we'd see 2.08 cubic feet (or 58.9L) of water evaporate per day.
10 ft x 10 ft = 100 ft2​.
0.25 in = 4 in-1​ = 48 ft-1​.
100 ft2​ / 48 ft-1​ = 2.08 ft3​.
Sea water is 3.5% salt, meaning for every liter of sea water there is 35 grams of salt. At 58.9L of evaporation per day we get 2,061 grams of salt per day (let's round that to 2kg for simplicity). We won't be able to use a given day's salt production until the saltern fully empties, but if it takes 30 days to empty then we just get 30 times this much in one lump sum.

So, for every 10x10 surface area we get 2kg of salt per day. How much is that worth to us? Going by what Cariyaga linked earlier, 1kg of salt is worth roughly $15 (or 150 ryo) in Roman conditions (more on that later), so we can say a 10x10 surface area gives us 300 ryo per day of salt, or (approximately) 9,000 ryo a month.

This is, clearly, not enough. But 10 feet by 10 feet is also pretty small. What if we scale it up to 100 ft by 100 ft? That's a hundred-fold increase in the salt production, and thus a hundredfold increase in the profits, so our 9,000 ryo a month goes up to 900,000 ryo a month. Not 'buy out the entire world' rich, but a pretty dang respectable income.

(Note, production scaled up to this level also pumps 6,000kg of salt into the market every month. Neat, huh?)

There are other questions to ask about the saltern, such as 'how many cells do we use?' or 'how deep do we start the waters out?' and while those questions have an impact on the logistics of our salt production (how often we have to visit, the amount of time it takes to get the lump sum payout, etc.) they don't actually impact the output rate at all. If you double the depth of the water, it takes twice as long to evaporate but you get twice as much salt out of it.

What does matter, that I haven't fully covered, are the following:
  • Rain. I don't have exact numbers for how much inflows of rain would slow down and interrupt evaporation, but we probably don't want any of it. To avoid rain, we'll need a roof of some sort, which is another thing to figure out but, I imagine, not an impossible challenge.
  • The price of salt is likely to be higher than it was in Roman times, because (as Cariyaga said) the Romans were big on infrastructure and roads and stuff which would've jacked the prices down. I don't have a way of knowing how much more expensive salt is in a place like the Elemental Nations, but my gut feeling is somewhere between 'a good amount pricier' and 'a heck of a lot pricier'. Take from that what you will.
  • The last mile. We could just let water evaporate until there's nothing but a coating of salt all over the bottom of the saltern, but we could also wait until only most of the water has evaporated and boil the rest manually. This would involve other mechanisms to gather the saturated water and boil it, but would slightly speed up the salt rate.
  • Purifier variants. Basically the same thing as boiling, but instead of heating it after gathering it we run a quick salt-snatcher seal over it. Might be easier to do, if Hazou can make a good enough seal.
  • There's also wiggle room on the 0.25 inches per day statistic this is all based off of, and if that turns out to be lower then we're not going to get as much salt.
 
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We seriously need better Empathy/Resolve before we start trying to really play politics.

Keep in mind, civilians don't need to make their three highest skills Alertness/Athletics/Stabbing Things. They also don't put any XP into Chakra Control or techniques.
Um. That doesn't really help with the new XP system. They still need just as many skills in their skill pyramid as any ninja does.
 
So, salt. We have a vague idea about stuff but let's crunch some numbers.

The way we intend to get salt is by evaporating salt water that we isolate from the rest of the sea with MEW walls, more or less. How much salt can we get out of this?

Well, evaporation cares less about volume and more about surface area. According to this neat article about swimming pool evaporation, we can expect roughly 0.25 inches of water to evaporate each day. This means for a hypothetical 10ft x 10ft surface area we'd see 2.08 cubic feet (or 58.9L) of water evaporate per day.
10 ft x 10 ft = 100 ft2​.
0.25 in = 4 in-1​ = 48 ft-1​.
100 ft2​ / 48 ft-1​ = 2.08 ft3​.
Sea water is 3.5% salt, meaning for every liter of sea water there is 35 grams of salt. At 58.9L of evaporation per day we get 2,061 grams of salt per day (let's round that to 2kg for simplicity). We won't be able to use a given day's salt production until the saltern fully empties, but if it takes 30 days to empty then we just get 30 times this much in one lump sum.

So, for every 10x10 surface area we get 2kg of salt per day. How much is that worth to us? Going by what Cariyaga linked earlier, 1kg of salt is worth roughly $15 (or 150 ryo) in Roman conditions (more on that later), so we can say a 10x10 surface area gives us 300 ryo per day of salt, or (approximately) 9,000 ryo a month.

This is, clearly, not enough. But 10 feet by 10 feet is also pretty small. What if we scale it up to 100 ft by 100 ft? That's a hundred-fold increase in the salt production, and thus a hundredfold increase in the profits, so our 9,000 ryo a month goes up to 900,000 ryo a month. Not 'buy out the entire world' rich, but a pretty dang respectable income.

(Note, production scaled up to this level also pumps 6,000kg of salt into the market every month. Neat, huh?)

There are other questions to ask about the saltern, such as 'how many cells do we use?' or 'how deep do we start the waters out?' and while those questions have an impact on the logistics of our salt production (how often we have to visit, the amount of time it takes to get the lump sum payout, etc.) they don't actually impact the output rate at all. If you double the depth of the water, it takes twice as long to evaporate but you get twice as much salt out of it.

What does matter, that I haven't fully covered, are the following:
  • Rain. I don't have exact numbers for how much inflows of rain would slow down and interrupt evaporation, but we probably don't want any of it. To avoid rain, we'll need a roof of some sort, which is another thing to figure out but, I imagine, not an impossible challenge.
  • The price of salt is likely to be higher than it was in Roman times, because (as Cariyaga said) the Romans were big on infrastructure and roads and stuff which would've jacked the prices down. I don't have a way of knowing how much more expensive salt is in a place like the Elemental Nations, but my gut feeling is somewhere between 'a good amount pricier' and 'a heck of a lot pricier'. Take from that what you will.
  • The last mile. We could just let water evaporate until there's nothing but a coating of salt all over the bottom of the saltern, but we could also wait until only most of the water has evaporated and boil the rest manually. This would involve other mechanisms to gather the saturated water and boil it, but would slightly speed up the salt rate.
  • Purifier variants. Basically the same thing as boiling, but instead of heating it after gathering it we run a quick salt-snatcher seal over it. Might be easier to do, if Hazou can make a good enough seal.
  • There's also wiggle room on the 0.25 inches per day statistic this is all based off of, and if that turns out to be lower then we're not going to get as much salt.
1)Was suggested earlier:

Freeze it to separate the water into a pile of ice and brine. Boil the brine instead of the seawater.

2) Use meters please, you heathen.
 
1)Was suggested earlier:

Freeze it to separate the water into a pile of ice and brine. Boil the brine instead of the seawater.

2) Use meters please, you heathen.
1) Freezing sounds harder than boiling, and I'm not familiar with the mechanism at work here, but I'll assume there's merit in the idea if we can figure out how to easily freeze water en masse.

2) I doubt it'll be as clean as 2kg a day, but lemme just recalc things:
0.25 in is 0.635 cm.
Let's assume 1m x 1m this time. 1m2​ x 0.00635m = 0.00635m3​.
0.00635m3​ = 6.35 liters.
6.35L x 35 g/L = 222 g of salt per square meter per day.
222g of salt = $3.33 of salt per square meter per day = $100 per square meter per month = 1,000 ryo per square meter per month.
30m x 30m = 900m2​ = 900,000 ryo per month
Well, that's surprisingly clean too. Colour me surprised.
 
I'm sure this is in the back of people's heads, but remember that prices are going to drop as it becomes clear that there's significant new supply on the market. and people will do other stuff like try to figure out our secret source.

We're not selling it directly and making sure that it hits the market simultaneously throughout most of the continent (ninja speed).
 
I'm sure this is in the back of people's heads, but remember that prices are going to drop as it becomes clear that there's significant new supply on the market. and people will do other stuff like try to figure out our secret source.
Civilians having sudden access to salt at rock bottom pricess is the opposite of an issue.
 
Chapter 243: Proposal

December 26, morning.

Hazō was two steps out the door when he ducked into the nearest bush and fumbled through his belt pouch for the storage seal labeled 'Camping Supplies #1'. A quick pulse of chakra, a lot of rummaging in the unsealed bag, and he found the bucket that they usually used for fetching water, plus three already-full waterskins.

At which point he shoved three fingers down his throat and sent all of the shudder-inducing food that Ami had fed him straight into the bucket.

The stench of the food and the taste of bile made him gag again, but he forced himself to remain calm as he washed his arm off, rinsed his mouth thoroughly, gargled, and spat it all into the bucket. He kept his eyes tightly closed so as not to see what was there and did his best not to breathe until he had sealed the bucket and its contents away in a separate seal; he would show it to a poison expert when there was time, if he could find someone with the knowledge and the willingness.

The possibility of potentially dying a horrible death perhaps averted, he hurried back to the inn.

o-o-o-o​

"Jiraiya! Are you here?" Hazō called, shoving the heavy door aside in his hurry to report.

Miraculously, the Hokage was present. Looking thoroughly exhausted and scarfing down a stack of gyoza the size of his head, but present.

At Hazō's call, the Hokage was instantly on his feet, a ball of blinding, sparking light forming in his hand. Around the room, everyone else went on alert. The two ANBU peeking out through the window curtains dropped into combat crouches, moving to opposite walls and conjuring knives from seemingly nowhere. Noburi's Water Whip formed and Keiko stabbed her finger preparatory to summoning a giant murderball to mulch whatever enemy was so obviously hot on Hazō's heels.

The boy in question stopped dead in his tracks. "Uh...false alarm. Sorry. No threats. Uh...crap, what was it? Right, 'calm waters, green sky.' Just a little agitated."

Everyone grumbled their way back to not-about-to-murder-somethingness.

"What's wrong, kid?"

"Sir...I need to talk to you, and I think discretion might be wise."

Jiraiya rubbed his face tiredly. "Fine. Let's do this."

Ten minutes later, they were safely ensconced in an underground bubble replete with privacy seals and protective jutsu. A lantern seal lit the area in a glow that was a little too yellow for actual sunlight, and Jiraiya was back to stuffing in gyoza.

"You wanted to talk," he grunted between bites. "Talk."

"Yes sir. As I asked you about earlier, I met with Mori Ami at that Experimental Cuisine restaurant. She arrived before me...."

The report took the better part of an hour. Hazō used the Iron Nerve to repeat his own part of the conversation with precise replication of timing and tone, relaying Ami's much larger share of the discussion from memory as best he could. Jiraiya had him go through the whole report once without interruption, then again with a constant flow of detailed interrogation. By the time he was done, Hazō felt wrung out and glad to be silent for a minute while Jiraiya pondered.

"Okay," the Hokage said at last. "What's your analysis?"

"I think the most important thing is that she referenced death multiple times, herself and her friends. It might be fatalism or anger or something else, but it's at least possible that it's the beginnings of disaffection with Mist and the Mori."

Jiraiya's eyebrows shot up. "Interesting thought. I haven't gotten that sense off her, but I'll keep it in mind. Continue."

"As to the death thing, she stated that she would probably be dead within the month. I don't know why she believes that, but it sounds important."

"Hm." Jiraiya fell silent for a moment. "Could be a lot of things, but I'll take a look. Leave that alone for now."

"Yes sir. Going back to the report, I note that she kept me constantly off-balance. She knew about the Ghost Scales misinformation I fed to Ikeda, although I don't know that she believed it. She highlighted at least a half dozen ways that she could have completely owned me throughout the conversation, but she didn't really push any of them. It was like she was...." He hesitated, groping for the right words. "Trying to...play fair? Maybe even teach me? She was demonstrating things—that being owed favors is a form of power that anyone can acquire. That small actions can produce large results if you synchronize them properly. That I'm not ready to negotiate with jōnin." He paused, thinking. "Overall, I think she was probably acting in good faith, but I should still decline the offer to have all those Uplift missions done. Owing her a major favor sounds like a very bad idea."

"Heh. You got that right."

"Beyond that, she made several verifiable claims, such as the whole story about why the restaurant was empty; the 'Uplift' missions that she'd set up; Shinjirō, the ninja on the roof; and the mention of 'Old Tsukamoto', who supposedly died to a Light Element user. I'd like to verify those, if it's all right?"

"Leave the assassination one to me, but as to the others...knock yourself out, just be careful. Personally, I wouldn't bother looking into Shinjirō—there doesn't seem to be a lot of value in it and it would require a lot of effort to track him down, since you don't even know if he's a Mist ninja. You can try if you want, as long as you don't push too hard."

"Thank you, sir. I'll note for the record that Ami avoided the most sensitive topics—for example, exactly why we left Mist, exactly how we became Leaf ninja, and the whole Cold Stone Killers thing. She didn't mention Keiko at all, which she could have and it would have put me in a bind that she could probably have leveraged to her advantage."

Jiraiya snorted. "Kid, she could have leveraged a lot more than that. Still, point taken."

Hazō nodded ruefully. "I feel like I need to up my social game, a lot. And quickly. Would it be all right if I approached Hinata? She's okay even if her dad is a jackass, and building alliances with her clan would be useful."

Jiraiya considered that for a moment. "Don't promise her anything and mind your OPSEC every second. Keep in mind that the Byakugan is fucking ridiculous. It lets her monitor your chakra and your bodily process in real time, while carrying on a conversation and paying attention to what you're saying. I don't know how good she is at interpreting it, but it gives them a crazy advantage. Make sure you know whether or not she's got it running and if you aren't sure—if she's wearing clothes that make it hard to tell—then assume it is."

"I'll be careful, sir. Aside from that, you've mentioned that Aunt Ren is very good at using the Iron Nerve for diplomatic purposes. Do you think there's any chance I could get some of that training from her? The two of you are trying to build an alliance, right?"

"Yeah, but there's no way she's letting that stuff out. I would assume she's told your mom not to teach you either—only reason I can think of that she spent your entire childhood not teaching you about your bloodline techniques is because she's been barred from doing so. I'd suggest not asking your mom, but you can if you want. Don't talk to Ren, though."

"Yes sir." He paused, flicking through his mental list of things to bring up. "Um...is there anything I should know on the armor jutsu thing? Anything else I should or shouldn't do on that front?"

Jiraiya thought about it. "I don't think so. Can't say for sure, but what I'd assume happened is that Ikeda told her sensei what you said, her sensei reported it up the chain, and then Rasa decided to spread it all over. Probably safe to assume that end is as tied off as it's going to get. At least, until new information comes in."

"Yes sir. Let's see, what else? Oh, Ami probably didn't actually poison me, but I'd still like to get checked out by a medic if that's okay."

"Sure. I'd be extremely surprised if there was actually anything there, but can't hurt."

"Thank you, sir." He paused. "Sir, I was wondering...the way Ami was acting...is it possible that this was a diplomatic gesture towards you?"

Jiraiya grunted noncommittally. "Maybe. Hard to tell with this lot. I'll give that kid props: for her age she's appallingly hard to read, or to predict. She was definitely aware of the implications, but without more information I couldn't tell if this was an actual olive branch or just her raking you for information while being careful not to piss me off too much." He snorted. "One thing I am glad of. She seems to have an appropriate level of fear."

"Fear, sir?"

Jiraiya gave him a smile that had arctic winters and bloody fields behind it. "Yeah. Fear. I am probably the most dangerous combatant alive and I lean into that reputation hard. Nobody wants to push me too far, and that includes messing with my kids. Even A is careful around me, and he's one of the most alpha-dog men you'll ever meet. It makes a lot of things easier when people think you're a little crazy, overly emotional, and fully able to kill them. Worked on Inuzuka, right?"

Hazō's face tried to frown in confusion but he instantly told the Iron Nerve to maintain his apparent equanimity.

Jiraiya watched him for a moment, then barked a delighted "Hah! I knew it!"

Now Hazō frowned. "Knew what, sir?"

"There's a seam when you lot use your bloodline to control your face. The muscles don't move smoothly from one expression to the next, they snap into the new position. It's small, and it probably gets smaller with practice. This close, in good light, I can see it. Now I just need to be sure I sit as close as possible to That Woman and maybe I can spot it on her, too."

Hazō had no idea what to say to that, so he shifted back to the earlier topic. "What do you mean, 'It worked on Inuzuka', sir?"

"You know, at the council meeting where the Gōketsu were formed?" He laughed at Hazō's unchanging expression. "You mean you honestly thought I was out of control to the point where I was threatening to kill Clan Heads?" He grinned. "Looks like I've still got it."

"You mean you weren't really angry, sir? That was all an act?"

Jiraiya waggled his hand in a so-so gesture. "Eh. More like...an exaggeration. Even when you're as badass as I am, you don't reach my age by randomly threatening to attack a Hyūga at close range just because you can't control your temper. Hyūga could see my blood pressure, heart rate, and chakra flows, so he knew I wasn't really as out of control as I was pretending to be. The only question he had was how far I was willing to push the pretense." The younger brother of the earlier smile returned, the ice and blood of its elder sibling mixed with humor and self-satisfaction. "Granted, it helped that I know exactly where his levers are and I yanked on them with both hands. He really was pissed, and that always makes people easier to control."

Hazō chuckled. "So, what you're saying is that 'Anger is a weapon only in the hands of your opponent'?"

"Oh, Sage, you had one of those teachers too? What was his name?"

"Her name, sir. Kashiwabara-sensei. Meditation, chakra control, and wise advice."

Jiraiya grunted and nodded. He paused for a moment, then grew serious again. "Speaking of wise advice, here's some for you: That big Uplift speech you made in front of all the Kage and important people? Don't ever fucking do that again or I will rip your fingernails off and shove you in the midden."

Hazō utterly failed to keep his eyes from going wide or his body from pressing itself back against the wall. "S-sorry, sir."

Jiraiya sighed and rubbed his face with both hands. "Look, I get it. You're young, you've got this thing you're super excited about, you thought it would be a good way to get your ideas out there. If you had checked with me in advance, which you did not, I could have either told you not to or helped you turn it into something that didn't utterly fuck me over. As it is, I've got two choices: I can admit that my potential heir just ran straight into the wall and is a naïve idiot, or I can support you, which backs me into a corner in negotiations and makes me look like a naïve idiot. Which brings into question my own wisdom in bringing you in from the cold and adopting you, and shows that I'm too weak to control my own ninja. So, thanks for that."

Hazō blinked. "Your heir?"

Jiraiya rolled his eyes. "Seriously, that's the part you took from that? If—when we get Naruto back then it's him. He's got the training, the drive to succeed, the desire to protect, the raw power to do it, and just insane amounts of empathy and understanding of people. He's not as smart as Keiko but she's not in the running. He's not as creative as you but he's steadier. He's not yet as good with people as Mari is, but he's damn good. With the three of you to advise him, he'll be the greatest Kage since the founding of the Village System.

"On the other hand, a smart ninja has backup plans. I will not allow this clan to die with me, and that means there needs to be an heir. If it's not Naruto then I would have said it's Mari, but she's not functional right now. After her, you're the best choice. Keiko would be horrified at the idea and isn't capable of it anyway. Noburi doesn't have the ambition or the ruthlessness. You're smart—not as smart as Keiko, but you know that and you take her advice. You're more ambitious than is good for either of us. You're ruthless enough to kill people when you have to, or to send people to their deaths. You're not powerful enough for the job and you probably never will be on your own merits, but enough seals cover a multitude of sins and you'll have powerful people backing you up. You're not nearly good enough at politics or dealing with people in general, but you seem to know that and it's probably fixable."

Hazō nodded. "I've been thinking about that, sir. I feel like part of the problem is because I keep playing above my weight class—trying to politic with you, or Ami, or the Oyabun, or other people who are much better than I am. For now, I thought I might try to work more at my own level. After we get back to Leaf I thought maybe I'd spend some time with Yamanaka, Nara, and the other people my age. Like I said, try to play at my own level for a while, work up from there."

Jiraiya snorted. "You want to play at your own level, I'll put you in touch with some of the clanless firsties. Still, good thought." He studied Hazō for a moment. "In case you're getting any ideas: The absolute best thing that could happen for you is to have Naruto wearing the hat. His raw power will prevent people from attacking the village or the clan. His sheer...aggravating niceness means that he'll be good at building alliances, which will promote peace in the Elemental Nations. He's generally aligned with your goals of helping people and he's dutiful enough to do all the paperwork that the Hokage deals with every day, which is something that would drive you to suicide in short order. I'm reasonably sure that the two of you will get along and he's humble enough to take advice from people he trusts. As long as you didn't fuck things up too badly you'd have a lot of influence in Leaf without needing to shoulder most of the burdens. You could steer him towards doing all those things you described in your speech and then you could go...I dunno, find a lighthouse to sit in and do research. Convince the Merchant Council to retire so you can start random businesses using ninja magic. Whatever. Point is, if you have even briefly entertained the thought that it would be great if Naruto wasn't found so that I'd have no choice but to make you the heir, dump it. It's a stupid idea. It's not the best way to get what you claim to want, and if I find out that you did even the slightest thing to sabotage Naruto's recovery then I will rip your fucking head off and spit in your neck. Understood?" The last words were so calm and cold that the air in the underground bubble seemed to condense around them.

Hazō nodded so hard he was afraid his head would fall off. "Yes sir! Understood!"

Jiraiya studied him for a moment, not moving from where he was lounging against the far wall of their bubble, hands folded across his stomach. "Good. Now, here's your first lesson in Hokageship: When you make threats, be sure that the audience will believe them. That means don't threaten things that you wouldn't do. Our relationship and feelings for one another are still developing, but every day the words 'my son, Hazō' are becoming more and more real to me. They fill me with pride...and aggravation, but mostly pride, and I am really looking forward to watching you grow into the amazing man I think you will eventually become. Beyond that, I value you as a member of the clan and a valuable ninja of Leaf. Because of those things, I would not kill you if you made another speech like that one you made to the Kage. Because of that, I did not threaten to kill you, I threatened to rip your fingernails off and shove you in the midden. You see the difference?"

Hazō gulped, his eyes wide. "Yes sir."

The Hokage sat up and leaned closer, his eyes locked on Hazō's. The lantern seal seemed to dim as though it was afraid to attract Jiraiya's attention. "And, because I have learned that being subtle is not the way to go with you lot, did you notice that my second threat did indeed involve your violent death?"

For some mysterious reason, even the Iron Nerve could not force Hazō's throat to produce words right now. He settled for nodding.

"Good." Jiraiya smiled and leaned back. The air in their bubble seemed to grow warmer and the light grow brighter. "Now, here's your second lesson in Hokageship: I told you earlier that I lean into that reputation for being overly emotional and slightly out of control, and that I was actually in control at the council meeting. Something to think about: was I lying then about being out of control, or am I lying now about having been in control? More importantly, how serious was I about those threats against your bodily health?" He waved a hand. "Don't answer. Just something to think about."

"Uh...yes sir."

"Good. Let's go rejoin the others."

o-o-o-o​

"Got a minute?"

Noburi looked up from the medical text he was studying while lounging on his bed and eating the last of breakfast. "Sure, what's up?"

Hazō stopped leaning around the corner and stepped the rest of the way into Noburi's room. "Nothing much, just wanted to hang out."

"Nothing better to do?" Noburi asked archly. "What's the matter, Mr. Mew? No world-shaking ideas to chase after?" Despite the words, the tone was teasing and the gesture towards the desk chair was sincere.

Hazō dropped into the chair with a snort. "Don't kid yourself, Nobby. There's always world-shaking ideas for a brilliant and talented individual such as myself to chase after. Still, I thought that I'd grace you with my presence for a time first. You may now express your appreciation."

"Heh. Yeah, that'll happen." Noburi leaned back against the wall, absentmindedly setting the book aside. "Glad you're feeling better. I was pretty worried after your fight."

"Yeah, me too. Still, Keiko helped me put the flames out before they really got me, and the smoke inhalation has pretty much cleared." He shook his head. "I cannot believe she set me on fucking fire."

Noburi laughed. "I totally can. This is Keiko we're talking about...have you not been paying attention?"

"Heh. Yeah, I suppose." He paused. "Seriously, why is it that all the girls we know are terrifying?"

Noburi thought about that for a minute. He started to speak, then stopped. "Honoka isn't."

"You were going to say Akane, weren't you?"

"...Yeah. Sorry."

Hazō shrugged. "It's...not fine, but it's okay. Thinking about her feels like poking at a fresh bruise, but bruises heal. We'll still be around each other, and maybe we can be friends again."

"I wouldn't hope for too much. 'Be friends again' sounds a lot like 'start dating again', and I don't see that happening."

Hazō shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not. Personally, I'm just glad that Keiko didn't actually scar me. It would have made it much harder to win Akane back. As it is, I think my odds are pretty good."

He met Noburi's gaze calmly, the Iron Nerve keeping his face locked in an expression of polite confidence as Noburi leaned forward to stare at him.

"Okay, I know Keiko set you on fire, but did she also cause brain damage? Because, seriously bro, that is not going to happen."

"I don't see why not," Hazō said innocently. "I made a list of what I need to do—"

Noburi snorted and slumped back against the wall. "Okay, now I know you're just messing with me."

Hazō's face made the same frown that he'd once made over some especially baffling Academy math homework. "What are you talking about? It'll work. Like I said, I made a list. I tried to check it with Keiko but she wasn't interested, so I checked it with Kiba. He's very confident around girls, so I'm sure it'll work."

Noburi looked uncertain again. "Wait...you are kidding, right?"

Hazō gave the math-homework frown again. "I'm not sure why you're so confused about this, Noburi. I mean, it—" He dissolved into helpless laughter. "Oh, man. You should have seen your face."

Noburi cracked up right alongside him. "I was sitting here thinking 'oh, great, Hazō's lost his mind again'."

Hazō took a moment to get himself under control, then waved the thought away. "No, I know that ship has sailed. I mean, sure, 'forever' is a long time and anything's possible. I'm not expecting it, though."

Noburi dramatically dragged the back of his hand across his brow. "Phew! What a relief! Mr. Mew actually does have a brain! I was starting to think that Kagome's idea about you having cat hair and lard between your ears might be true."

"Hey!"

"Hay is for dire horses."

Hazō blinked at that. "Yeah, well...you're ugly and your mom dresses you funny."

"Oh! I am wounded! Horribly wounded, deep in my heart, by the stinging wit of my halfwit brother! Besides, you're a fine one to talk about dressing funny, Mr. 'I must have ALL the pockets!'"

"Oh yeah? Well—"

A knock at the door cut him off. Keiko was standing in the doorway with a scroll in her hands and a multifaceted expression on her face. None of the facets were good.

"Keiko? What's wrong?"

"A Mori messenger brought this." She held out the scroll. "For you."

Hazō held his hands up and Keiko lobbed it to him gently. He unrolled it with a feeling of trepidation.


From: Mori Ami
To: Gōketsu Hazō

Thank you for our date yesterday, Hazō. It meant a great deal to me. I have never met anyone like you; you are intelligent, and funny, and you understood me in a way that no one else has. You made me feel things that no one else has, and I cannot get you out of my mind.

I know that your offer was largely political, that you made it only because Jiraiya told you to as part of his efforts to unite the clans of Mist and Leaf, and to secure support for his own new clan. I can appreciate the political value of those things and would willingly sacrifice myself to achieve them, as I have long expected I would need to. I find myself surprised, however, that it seems like no sacrifice at all. I find myself, in fact, anxious to come to your home and to your bed. I hope you will one day come to love me in the way that I think I am coming to love you.

Yes, Gōketsu Hazō. I will marry you.

With ardent dreams,

Mori Ami





XP AWARD: 5

Author's Notes:
Hazō did not eat charcoal because that's weird and I don't believe that 12th-century people knew about that. The medic found nothing wrong with you but was unwilling to study a bucket of puke. You dispelled about five minutes ago, so you're confident that you're not in a genjutsu right now unless Keiko has suddenly developed a whole new skillset or someone else has developed an S-rank shapeshifting jutsu that allows them to be disguised as Keiko.

It is now about 8am.

Vote time! What to do now?

Voting ends on Wednesday, February 6, 2019, at 12pm London time.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Kagome, lurking in the overstuffed armchair that he'd dragged into the corner (the innkeeper had been quietly appalled at the scratch marks on his polished hardwood floor) leaped up, sending his woodcarving tools and half-finished blood pigeon sculpture flying.
Isn't Kagome supposed to be in Leaf? o_O

From: Mori Ami
To: Gōketsu Hazō

Thank you for our date yesterday, Hazō. It meant a great deal to me. I have never met anyone like you; you are intelligent, and funny, and you understood me in a way that no one else has. You made me feel things that no one else has, and I cannot get you out of my mind.

I know that your offer was largely political, that you made it only because Jiraiya told you to as part of his efforts to unite the clans of Mist and Leaf, and to secure support for his own new clan. I can appreciate the political value of those things and would willingly sacrifice myself to achieve them, as I have long expected I would need to. I find myself surprised, however, that it seems like no sacrifice at all. I find myself, in fact, anxious to come to your home and to your bed. I hope you will one day come to love me in the way that I think I am coming to love you.

Yes, Gōketsu Hazō. I will marry you.

With ardent dreams,

Mori Ami
AIEEEEEEEEEE
 
Nani the heck?

Welp, responsible thing is to take this right to Jiraiya pronto (and saying as much as we leave, looking upset).

Paranoid side of me wonders if Kagome's here because Ami's been keeping us in a Genjutsu and we only thought we left, giving Ami the ability to snoop on what we were saying to 'Jiraiya' in private. But that's unlikely since Ami shouldn't know what Kagome looks like and wouldn't put him in Mist anyways since it'd be a dead giveaway that something's wrong. So probably either Kagome just got here from Leaf or eaglejarl forgot he wasn't supposed to be here.
 
From: Mori Ami
To: Gōketsu Hazō

Thank you for our date yesterday, Hazō. It meant a great deal to me. I have never met anyone like you; you are intelligent, and funny, and you understood me in a way that no one else has. You made me feel things that no one else has, and I cannot get you out of my mind.

I know that your offer was largely political, that you made it only because Jiraiya told you to as part of his efforts to unite the clans of Mist and Leaf, and to secure support for his own new clan. I can appreciate the political value of those things and would willingly sacrifice myself to achieve them, as I have long expected I would need to. I find myself surprised, however, that it seems like no sacrifice at all. I find myself, in fact, anxious to come to your home and to your bed. I hope you will one day come to love me in the way that I think I am coming to love you.

Yes, Gōketsu Hazō. I will marry you.

With ardent dreams,

Mori Ami

Sure, why not.

[X] Action Plan: KISS
  • Talk to Jiraiya about this.
    • Emphasize the whole "no we didn't actually propose, not even a little" thing
    • Say we're inclined to argue for "Yes"
      • Political ties, getting Ami on-side with Goketsu, permanently tempering Hazou's more stupid/naive impulses
      • Maybe a wedding before the end of the tournament, for the diplomatic appeal?
  • Otherwise maintain our current course and attempt to stay as alive, sane, and healthy as possible
    • Here our top priority is likely to be avoiding being alone with Keiko for any length of time
 
[X] Dispel

The false reality falls away like a curtain, revealing a small and shabby room, furnished only with a table and a bed. At said table, Orochimaru and the Mizukage are seated, seemingly absorbed in a game of cards. Beyond the narrow window, a bright and insistent glow can be glimpsed, as if the whole world caught on fire somehow.

OROCHIMARU: Hell, it's about time.
 
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