Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

Emstar · Oct 15, 2018

Hold my beer and watch this.

Velorien said:
Chapter 217B: Life, Bizarre and Spectacular

November 27, 11 a.m.

Tanzaku Gai had been a centre of civilisation long before the founding of Leaf, ever since a courageous would-be daimyo successfully bargained for permission to build his castle within the territory of the dreaded Aburame Clan, swearing to oversee the peasants of the land on the Aburame's behalf in return for their protection. Though, with the ebb and flow of both shinobi and civilian fortunes, the seat of power had long since been moved from Tanzaku Castle, the castle town's reputation for safety and trading opportunities meant it never stopped growing. Until the village era, it had been the greatest city of the eastern mainland, and it remained the setting for over half of all stories set in the Fire Country.

Today's story was as yet untold, its very genre undetermined. Kei prayed for romance, and would even settle for romantic comedy—some days, her life seemed to consist of little else—if it meant that her incompetence did not plunge the day into melodrama or worse. For this, at Tenten's invitation and with Shiori's unplanned facilitation, would be Kei's first date.

With Mari-sensei unavailable, Kei had spent the morning in frantic sugar-fuelled research on how such affairs were conducted, made perilous by the fact that she had lent all her more sensible books to Akane. The uncanny timing almost led her to suspect conspiracy, but for the fact that Akane could not possibly know Kei had a girlfriend.

Still, if Kei could not trust the wisdom of Icha Icha 30: Diaries of Haraguro the Harem Lord now, when could she?

Knew it! She was reading a bunch of smut!

By mutual agreement, she and Tenten had arrived at Tanzaku Gai separately, taking advantage of ninja speed to minimise the amount of the day spent on travel, then changing into date-worthy traditional women's clothes that would struggle to survive a quick walking pace.

The result was worth it. Granted, all Kei had was an unimaginative midnight blue kimono which Mari-sensei claimed enhanced her feminine mystique. Kei, painfully aware that she had feminine mystique the way Yagura had moral compunctions, believed it merely made her look funereal. Even so, it was the most attractive winter clothing she had on hand that did not scream "missing-nin survivalist expecting Zabuza around every corner".

Tenten, on the other hand… Kei was aware by now that Tenten did not spend her money on anything not eminently practical, meaning she owned a set of masterwork weapons that would give a collector pause, but lived in an apartment even the poorest ostracised orphan would not be caught dead in. With that knowledge in mind, seeing Tenten come to their first date in a red cheongsam made of winter wool that must have been specially imported from Lightning Country, with customs duties in Frost and Hot Springs raised by the recent tensions, assuming average costs for ninja escorts across the full distance and of course factoring in the cost of dyes and craftsmanship, as well as the influence of the season on profit margins… Suffice it to say that sometimes egregious luxury spending could speak louder than words.

So could ogling, apparently. Kei had not realised she was doing it until she noticed Tenten, already rosy-cheeked from the cold weather, turning a uniform shade of pink. She immediately snapped her eyes up from Tenten's exquisitely figure-hugging clothes and to her face. Meanwhile, Tenten, with her superior social graces, restrained herself to an appreciative smile.

Now, as to the issue of what to do… While still somewhat new to the experience of someone wishing to spend time with her without being Ami, being compelled by political concerns, or having mutual bonds forged in blood and fire, Kei was at least capable of discarding a few of the literature's less helpful suggestions. Dance halls of any kind were out of the question. Kei did not dance, and besides, physical contact. So were hot springs. Kei would not be able to handle a naked Tenten, figuratively or literally. Drinking together was out, both because it was not Kei's objective to entice Tenten into a state of inebriation and take advantage of her (according to ladies' erotica writers, the natural outcome of joint alcohol consumption was either that or "mistakes") and because she herself was perpetually teetering on the edge of some social disaster even sober. For all the world's sins, it did not deserve a drunken Kei.

Heh. Well, I beg to differ.

Having discarded this suggestion and a few that were worse (she was beginning to see why Jiraiya's relationships never lasted), Kei found herself at something of a loss. There were still too many options remaining, and how was she to weigh the merits of, say, dining at a BBQ or watching a civilian sports game versus a poetry recital or a famous market? All of these were apparently prime seduction locations—not that she wanted to seduce Tenten—not that she wanted to seduce Tenten today—and yet she needed to choose. Without Mari-sensei's help.

Kei prayed that this first date would not be the last.

"Note that she wanted to seduce Tenten today "

I can almost guarantee you that it won't be.

-o-

Also November 27, 11 a.m.

"This way, Shikamaru!"

It was here! It was finally here! Shiori's first date, even if it was formally "an immersive tour of spots in Tanzaku Gai particularly suited to an instance of two individuals spending a day together in order to facilitate greater mutual knowledge and familiarity, arranged in anticipation of a potential long-term relationship". (Shiori didn't know how, she didn't know when, but Gōketsu was going to suffer for introducing Shikamaru to this calamity of a term.)

Soon, she would be repaid for all her effort. In the space of a single morning, she'd found a traveller's journal describing Tanzaku Gai in the Nara Library. She'd bought a replacement for her favourite green kimono, which she had stained in the process of practising for the tea ceremony she would one day host for Shikamaru. And while she'd been unable to get the man himself to budge from his "all-purpose" grey and black, she'd at least been able to persuade him to change into a haori and hakama that rounded out his stick-thin figure into something a shade more manly. No Nara crest, of course, for the same reason they were not in Leaf. It was imperative that nobody recognise them, realise that they were blatantly on a date, and start asking awkward questions. Her excuse for doing all this was fragile enough anyway, and protected thus far mainly by the fact that Shikamaru didn't care. Yet.

That
YOUTHSUIT!
fakeout though! I think you had some of us going for a bit there.

"Must you be so… enthusiastic about this, Shiori? Recall that we are simulating two particularly level-headed individuals spending a day together in order to facilitate greater mutual knowledge and familiarity, arranged in anticipation of a potential long-term relationship. The simulation will not be accurate if you persist in bouncing around like a chimpanzee on Akimichi stimulants."

"What did you just compare me to, Shikamaru?"

"An intelligent and helpful young woman whom I am glad to have assisting with my social affairs."

"And don't you forget it. Now get moving. Apparently the fountains at the Nishūrasen Gardens are out of this world."

"Fountains?" Shikamaru livened up just a little while Shiori mentally awarded herself a gold star. "I suppose there are more tiresome ways to spend a morning."

I simultaneously find Shikamaru's way of socializing with people both refreshing and tiresome. How do you perform this witchcraft!?

-o-

Kei could not deny that the Nishūrasen Gardens were beautiful. It had been an inspired choice by Tenten, and now Kei considered the matter, it occurred to her that she had read about their value as a date spot in Typical Classroom, the slice-of-life novel about a class of Academy students with an idealised jinchūriki teacher, which she had only recently lent to Akane. What a curious coincidence.

Their original interest had been in the Gardens' famous fountains, shaped into the likenesses of the guardian kami whose heretical worship had been banned at the beginning of the village era following the revelation of the Will of Fire, and which had fortunately been preserved as historical works of art after unrelated generous donations to the Hokage's Office. However, the space around the fountains was already crowded, and neither Kei nor Tenten considered them worth the inevitable jostling and cacophonous chatter. Happily, there were other options.

Kei's previous experience of a hedge maze had involved desperately attempting to convince passers-by that her two adopted brothers were in the process of having sex behind the bushes. The bar was not set high. She and Tenten made a game of their exploration, attempting to navigate the unfamiliar maze while simultaneously competing in a deadly game of Spy vs Spy, handicapped by clothing which was not designed to offer any mobility whatsoever and must not be soiled in any way, the unavailability of weapons, a natural ban on physical contact, and the injunction not to distress the other visitors… too much. Eventually, Kei won through the cunning expedient of using Tobikomi's candy (which she had absent-mindedly transferred to her kimono sleeve) as a concealed missile weapon. Perhaps she had been too harsh on the man.

Perhaps it was obvious, but at this point I realize that this is going to be a Date Collision episode. I cannot wait.

-o-

"Hey, babes. How 'bout you and us ditch this lousy joint and go have a good time?"

My good and sleazy sir, turn back before it is too late!

Ah, the incompetent pick-up artists preying on young women in cafés. A cliché so pervasive that Kei had almost been excited to experience it for herself. The reality did not fail to disappoint.

"You and we," Kei said coldly. "A man incapable of distinguishing between subject and object pronouns has no business attempting to seduce me."

"Huuuh?"

"Allow me to elaborate," Kei said. "Were I in the market for a romantic partner, which I most emphatically am not, you would first be required to pass an elementary proficiency test including the ability to count on your fingers, fasten your sandals unassisted, and pronounce words of three or more syllables without pausing for a break or requesting clues. Thus, I believe you and I have nothing more to say to each other."

Kei I think you need to work on the put downs a bit. They're not effective if the target cannot comprehend them.

Tenten snorted.

The lacklustre specimen of a pick-up artist scratched his head.

"Are you makin' fun of me?"

"One does not pour buckets of water into the ocean. Now, would you like to leave, or should I move to more direct means of communication, such as using one spare pair of chopsticks to emasculate you while I insert another into an orifice not intended for the purpose? It should be an interesting exercise in manual dexterity for me, and a life-changing experience for you."

The man stared at her blankly as she reached for the chopstick box.

His accomplice, apparently blessed with more intelligence than an amoeba, leaned over and whispered something in his ear.

The first man looked down at Kei. She split the first pair of chopsticks with a crack.

"Screw this, I'm outta here!"

Ah, a wise one.

The accomplice, possessed of a superior vocabulary but inferior survival instinct, sidled over to Tenten. Before he could open his mouth, she gave him a look of undiluted acidic contempt, as reserved for miserable worms alive only because the act of crushing them was marginally more disgusting than their continued existence. What elevated the act from instrumental to artistic was the fractional tightening of the eyes that indicated that this state of affairs was unstable, and at any moment she might change her mind and deign to reduce him to two-dimensional paste. Kei found herself falling in love all over again.

If anything, this one fled faster than Kei's. Perhaps another time, she and Tenten could make a competition of it.

Strange how the literature had led her to believe that such an encounter would be filled with intimidation. In the event, it had been positively delicious. "Check, please!"

Heh. Heheh. Yeah, "filled with intimidation" indeed.

-o-

"Well, that was weird," Shiori remarked, watching two grown men pelting down the street as if all the ravenous ghosts of the Preta Path were after them.

"The world is weird in ways we cannot imagine," Shikamaru said mournfully, "and worse, in some that we can. I would pay it no mind."

"Speaking of paying," Shiori said, "I've just realised that we're missing something very important. Everyone knows that on a da—instance of two individuals spending a day together in order to facilitate greater mutual knowledge and familiarity, arranged in anticipation of a potential long-term relationship, the male individual has to treat the female individual to lunch!"

"I suppose I will have to take your word for it. That café down the street promotes itself to my attention, as I believe we just witnessed the expulsion of any disruptive elements that might otherwise interfere with our meal."

But the Mendoi Café was not purified so easily.

"Looks like you were too optimistic, Shikamaru," Shiori said under her breath, then realised she'd said three words in a row that were logically incapable of being in the same sentence. To a Nara, it was like touching amber that had been rubbed with a cloth.

"Hey, hot stuff," the yakuza small fry drawled at her, "how about you drop the dork over here and come play with some real men?"

He started to reach for her shoulder.

Three of them. Civilians, no visible combat training. Grab the wrist and elbow, twist, follow the motion of the body, one strike to incapacitate or kill. The other two will be stunned long enough for Shikamaru to finish his hand seals before they can try to run or call for help. But how to get that first strike in without causing a scene or risking tearing her kimono?

"Assistant," Shikamaru said in a voice even more lifeless than usual, "are any of these bodies suitable for human experimentation?"

Hmm. Guess Shikamaru is a bit of a gentleman afterall, in his own way.

The yakuza's hand stopped in mid-air.

Shiori blinked, then made a show of looking them up and down. "The middle one, sir. The other two will have to be recycled for parts. Would you like me to terminate them here, or should I allow them to take me to a place with no witnesses first?"

The men exchanged glances.

"Excuse me. I've just remembered that I need to cook my uncle."

"That was fun!" Shiori said, watching their rapidly retreating backs. "Can we find some more sexual predators and do it again? I'm starting to get all sorts of ideas!"

Shikamaru gave her a sideways look. "Item 47 of the Sensible Nara List."

"'If the activity you are considering is something only Mitarashi Anko would do, get a senior Nara's permission before doing it'," Shiori recited.

"But you're not really a senior Nara right now. We're acting as boyf—two individuals spending a day together in order to facilitate greater mutual knowledge and familiarity, arranged in anticipation of a potential long-term relationship. We're supposed to be equal." You are allowing yourself to be restricted by rules for the sake of rules, her hands signed as she spoke.

Shikamaru was unmoved by either level of communication. "Item 48."

"'If the activity you are considering is something only Mitarashi Anko does, keep it that way'.

"Wait, for real?"

"We have a list of her favourite bars. Clansmen are forbidden from conducting social experiments in them—for their own safety."

"…Spoilsport."

His mouth being full of chicken, Shikamaru instead signed, The principle being cited is a natural law. It can be reinterpreted, but never denied.

We must acquire this list. We must!

-o-

The "Lost Weapons of the World" exhibition housed in the Shikiri Museum's west wing was fascinating. It featured ancient weapons that were no longer in use by real shinobi, typically due to being obsolete or too difficult to handle, as well as rare weapons only used by the minor villages of distant lands. The entrance fee was steep—to prevent the riff-raff from inconveniencing higher-status visitors such as herself, Kei assumed—but in a wonderful new experience, she was capable of paying for both herself and Tenten with only pocket money. She could get used to this, and hopefully would.

Tenten, displeased at being paid for, compensated by offering her services as Kei's guide. She knew the proper use of a remarkable number of the weapons, and happily mimed stances and techniques for disabling and/or killing one's enemies with maximum efficiency. Most of the other visitors fled within minutes, but perhaps a quarter remained to watch, applauding at appropriate intervals. By the time she had exhausted the contents of the exhibition, Tenten was practically glowing from the unfamiliar sense of being appreciated, and it rendered Kei's struggle to placate the security staff all worthwhile.

-o-

While Shiori technically had discretionary funds to draw on as Shikamaru's assistant, any significant dip into them would have to be accounted for, and the last thing she wanted was official scrutiny of the events of the day. That made the Shikiri Museum a very convenient choice, since a few quiet words in the right ears were all it took to secure free entry for the heir of the museum's biggest sponsor.

The east wing's "Achievements in Natural Philosophy" exhibition was well worth the price of admission that they hadn't paid. Admittedly, Shikamaru was sceptical that the stuffed chakra beasts were anything more than "an embarrassing gallimaufry of unimaginatively-sewn-together animal parts", and felt enough of a sense of responsibility as a sponsor to want to complain to the manager (luckily, Shiori was able to delay him long enough for him to run out of motivation). But more importantly, he was taken with Nara Shikiri's own annotated sketches of plant and animal physiology. There were also a few interesting curios like a hollow replica of the Kiko Mechanism, a centuries-old device that could predict the movement of the moon and the stars through nothing but the interaction of physical parts, and whose principles of operation were not understood to this day (naturally, the original was safely ensconced in the depths of the Nara Vaults).

The exhibition proved surprisingly popular, Shiori reflected, as there had been a veritable tide of incoming visitors early on in their visit. It might have been worth their while to explore the west wing as well, but it was getting late and they couldn't afford to dally too long if they wanted to get the top floor seats at the famous Night Ship Restaurant.

-o-

Is it gonna happen yet?!

Kei and Tenten's preference for avoiding crowds continued to serve them well. While the unwashed masses fought over the luxurious upstairs seats, the two girls sat together in a quiet area downstairs, gazing through the window at the Lightning-style meditation garden outside the Night Ship during those rare moments when they were not gazing at each other. This place was another recommendation of Tenten's, though Kei knew it from Thrilling Scrollkeepers, a pleasant and insightful exploration of human relationships (which she had also recently lent to Akane). Another coincidence. Or perhaps, Kei wondered briefly before rejecting the blasphemy, she had simply read too many novels?

-o-

Not yet!

Kei and Tenten's final destination was unlike the others. Here, Tanaka and Ōta pledged their love after six long volumes of ship-teasing. Here, Mikako and Noboru reunited after the sealing failure that had separated them across space and time. Here, Minori finally defeated Akatsuki in order to win Shiroe's love. To ignorant mortals, this place was just the prosaically-named Lovers' Hill. To the initiated, it was a holy site where passion and determination (and sometimes concealed trap arrays) would forever triumph over the machinations of a sadistic fate.

It was a very dangerous place for two girls who did not wish their relationship to be discovered. Couples came here to watch the sunset together; friends did not. Kei knew this. She also knew that her reason for braving the danger was questionable at best. What kind of public declaration could one make in secrecy and solitude, surrounded by privacy-providing trees, dozens of miles from the home where it could mean anything to anyone? Even so, for Kei and Tenten, this was an act with meaning. Ascending Lovers' Hill together was a statement, delivered in a whisper but nevertheless a statement, that in defiance of a hostile and uncomprehending world, their love was as real as any other.

Which was not to say that they were entirely blinded by their feelings. Tenten had suggested, and Kei had optimised. If necessary, Kei had come here suspecting infidelity on the part of her fiancé, with Tenten joining her for emotional support in case of a potential confrontation. A paper-thin excuse, and one which would cause problems of its own should anyone aware of her engagement to Shikamaru recognise her, but it might confound a stranger long enough for the pair to make a dignified escape.

They could not embrace, of course, despite clear instructions from the literature. Nor could they sit together, not with the grass still damp from recent rain. Still, they stood side by side, as close as Kei's inescapable fear would allow, and waited for the sun to set.

-o-

Well, thats really touching and cute.

Lovers' Hill. The very name struck a chord within Shiori's heart. The perfect capstone to a perfect day. Even Shikamaru wouldn't be able to resist the sheer magic of it. They would watch the sunset together, and it would finally light a spark within him that she could gradually fan into a potent flame. Surely no apathy could withstand the power of love in such concentrated form.

"Come on, Shikamaru, we're going to miss the sunset!" Shiori exclaimed, tugging him uphill by the hand (yes, he'd allowed her to take his hand, though she wasn't completely certain that this was approval rather than him being too tired to make the effort to object).

"I assure you, Shiori, that, with a few meteorological exceptions, sunsets are more or less the same everywhere. Soothing brushwork and good use of colour, but repetitive and clearly made with mass market appeal in mind. I would rather have a good book."

"Have you no sense of romance in your soul?"

"It must have been misfiled at birth, and replaced with an additional dose of rationality. Such are the perils of alphabetical reference systems."

This was why she loved him. Even when he was being a wet blanket, which was to say quite often, he couldn't help doing it with flair.

I can't help but agree. While a walking headache, you can't deny that Shika has style.

Despite his grumbling, he did not protest as she pulled him to the top of the hill—only to see two silhouettes in what the journal described as the ideal place.

"Already occupied, huh? I guess we'll just have to find another spot."

She glanced back one last time before they left. You know, one of those figures looked kind of familiar. Should she go over there and check just in case? Or should she prioritise their right to canoodle undisturbed?

"Lack of curiosity killed the cat", went the traditional Nara saying. She climbed the last few steps, and Shikamaru followed.

Gōketsu and Tenten turned around at the noise.

For several shocked seconds, she and her rival simply stared at each other. Then, their unfiltered reactions came in unison.

"Are you on a date?!"

Yessssssssssssssssssss.

Revelations cascaded through Shiori's mind. The polite disinterest. The seemingly irrational decisions. The… The everything. You are having the experience of foundational premises crumbling. It is far too rare, so I will suspend my end of the discussion while you savour it.

Meanwhile, Gōketsu stared at her in horror. She opened her mouth, as if to offer some kind of explanation or excuse, but then she looked at Shikamaru again, and her expression turned into what Shiori could only describe as begging the universe for instant death.

What was this? Shiori couldn't get her head around it. She'd thought at first that Gōketsu was the ultimate sexual deviant. Then, after the orgy that wasn't, she found herself asking if she'd been drawing too many conclusions from limited data. Mere seconds ago, she'd realised that maybe she'd been wrong all along. But the truth that this realisation left behind…

"But you're both girls! How? Why? How? What do you even—how can you—why?!"

Ah right. Homosexuality isn't a commonly accepted thing in MfD-verse.

Gōketsu seemed taken aback. But before she could provide anything approaching an answer…

"Shiori. Are we on a date?"

Oh, crap.

Three people were all staring at her. Gōketsu had an expression of dawning realization. Tenten was unreadable. Shikamaru… she had never seen him so alert.

Oooooooooh you are in trouble child!

She could lie. She should lie. She wasn't ready to confess her feelings. There was supposed to be more groundwork. She was going to earn Shikamaru's love, or at least enough of it to ensure some kind of positive response. She was going to investigate the practicalities on the clan side, and see what the criteria were and how far she could push them if she had to. She was going to prove herself to Lord Shikaku, and more importantly Lady Yoshino. This wasn't quite the worst-case scenario (as far as she knew, no one was dead), but it was close enough.

But she was standing on Lovers' Hill. Her beloved, her ultimate rival, and her beloved (seriously, WTF?) were all waiting for her response. Whatever she said here, there would be no going back.

"Shikamaru… I'm in love with you."

Shikamaru took a dazed step back.

"Troublesome," he said in the emotionless voice of a man responding on reflex while his higher brain functions rebooted.

Bwahahah!

"I always have been," Shiori went on, not so much feeling emboldened as aware that if she didn't get it all out now, she never would, in part because the world was coming to an end. "Not just because you're brilliant—I take that as a given—but because you're kind and gentle, and even though you like to keep to yourself, you care about other people when you don't have to. You're Lord Shikaku's son, so you're as Nara as they get, but you still care about so many things, even if you hide it behind laziness and that amazing dry wit. You complain and you make a fuss, in your low-key way, but in the end you always do the right thing, whether anyone is there to see it or not. You've accepted me as family despite the fact that I'm a lowly branch family member who tends to get excited about things in your vicinity. You're rational about everything except recognising how special you are, in ways that have nothing to do with our bloodline."

Shikamaru closed his eyes briefly, then opened them again.

"Your turn, Gōketsu," he said. "I can tell you're about to spring something on me that will make this day even more troublesome."

"Very well." Gōketsu drew herself up to her unimpressive full height. "Tenten and I are in a romantic relationship, and any marriage between you and me, or indeed with any of your clansmen, will be conditional on you committing to respect that relationship and to take no action to impede it."

Shikamaru groaned.

Gōketsu was formally, officially, avowedly not in love with Shikamaru. Praise be to the Will of Fire. Now Shiori only had her personal apocalypse to worry about.

Well, points for Shiori. I think.

"You know what?" Shikamaru said after a pause. "That is in no way my problem. I will provide you with the clan policy documents and appropriate forms after the wedding, and beyond that I don't care what you do as long as you leave our chambers in the condition in which you found them."

Gōketsu's eyes flickered to Tenten. Tenten nodded.

"…Acceptable."

"Shiori," Shikamaru said. "I know I should be flattered, or moved or some such, but in all honesty I cannot comprehend your feelings, much less reciprocate them. I have spent fourteen years successfully evading romance, and this has left me ill-equipped against a direct strike. I appreciate the effort your confession must have taken, though less so the fact that it involved luring me on a date without my knowledge or consent, and I believe the appropriate response under the circumstances is to thank you for the former and overlook the latter on a one-off basis.

Least Shika is straightforward on that front.

"The point, however, is moot. I am due to marry Gōketsu, awaiting confirmation to take place after the Chūnin Exam tournament. You have repeatedly mentioned to me, in what I now understand to have been a subtle hint, that you would not accept a position as a concubine, but only as a lawfully wedded wife."

Shiori had thought about it, of course. It would be by far the easier path… but only for other women. She couldn't imagine being a secondary member of the household, forever under the thumb of another woman who enjoyed all the fruits of marriage while throwing Shiori scraps under the table. It was much of the reason why she'd hated Gōketsu so, for that demeaning original message in which she'd assumed, without ever meeting her, that Shiori was good for nothing more than sex. Why even now, having discovered that Gōketsu might not have had any ill intent, there was no place in her heart for the usurper. Assuming there would be enough of her heart left for it to matter by the time Shikamaru was done rejecting her.

"Are you in fact eligible for such?" Gōketsu inquired as if it was in some way relevant to her.

"I'm a branch family half-blood," Shiori said distantly as her world continued to crumble around her. "My father was a common-born sealmaster adopted into the clan. There are no theoretical objections. It's just that I'm worthless. No special talent or political value."

"Shiori," Shikamaru said, "with considerable regret, I must ask you to tender your resignation as my personal assistant due to conflict of interest. I will endeavour to have you reassigned to a valuable role elsewhere."

Oh no. Wow, thats pretty cold Shika.

World done crumbling. Nothing left.

"Wait, Nara," said someone's voice. "There is no need for such haste."

!!!

Shiori must have misheard. Her senses were all whiting out anyway.

"Now that the status quo between the two of you has changed significantly, is it not possible that your feelings for Shiori will change also? It is not as if it is unknown for friends to become lovers with sufficient exposure."

Gōketsu. What.

"I suppose… it's not technically impossible," Shikamaru said slowly. "If marriages of convenience have been known to become marriages of love, then it is plausible for the same principle to apply to unmarried individuals."

"Then, assuming a certain foundation of affection for her and respect for her agency, is there any reason not allow her an attempt to win your heart on an experimental basis?"

No, seriously. What.

I got nothing.

"More determined women than her have made the attempt."

"No," Shiori found her voice. "No, they really haven't."

"Again, however," Shikamaru said, "I am all but betrothed to Gōketsu. Given your preferences, mutual romantic feelings between us would only make matters worse."

"Nara," Gōketsu said softly to Shikamaru, "I am prepared to amend the betrothal."

Gōketsu Keiko, ultimate wingwoman.

Shiori was running out of "what".

"You are a good friend in a world of misery and chaos. If it would bring you greater happiness, I could settle for a lesser Nara. I trust Lord Shikaku to accommodate my needs where possible, and I am confident that I can convince Jiraiya should he object, with the aid of unrelated concessions if need be."

Shiori was out of "what", but she could be flexible in an emergency.

"Gōketsu, why?"

Gōketsu turned to face her head-on. Her eyes locked onto Shiori's with the perfect focus of a genjutsu master.

"Because I desire whatever is best for him. And because I refuse to accept lack of talent or political value as reasons why someone should be denied happiness."

Shiori did not understand this woman. Not even slightly. Not one bit. She was pretty sure even her trusty "why"s weren't going to fix that.

But Shiori recognised the ever-so-skilfully-concealed fondness in Shikamaru's voice whenever he referred to his and Gōketsu's not-dates, for the same reason that a ninja could recognise the barely-audible sound of a kunai flying at her. And despite Gōketsu's invariably low-affect tones, Shiori could no longer find it in herself to believe that she was facing a cold-hearted, selfish manipulator. Not after those words.

"Marry him," Shiori heard herself say. The seeds of something new sprouted from the ashes of a dead world. "If you're the kind of person who can sacrifice your own happiness for his sake, then I think I might be able to tolerate you."

"The feeling," Gōketsu said wryly, "is entirely mutual."

What!? This is the most Homestuck-ian relationship nonsense. Quadrants aren't enough. We need to expand to Octants. Everyone is a leprechaun.

Shikamaru cleared his throat pointedly. "May I remind the two of you that I also have a say in my own future?"

The three girls all looked at him and simultaneously shook their heads.

He sighed. "This is only going to get more troublesome, isn't it?"

Tenten gave him a sympathetic nod.

"One more matter," Gōketsu said. "Since we are all entangled in this preposterous mess together, could we move to first names? It would be tiresome to constantly address both of you as 'Nara'. And for myself, as one who socialised rarely and with great reluctance during my Mist years, being constantly treated as interchangeable with five other people grows a little grating. Please call me Keiko."

Tenten gave… Keiko… a look laden with profound meaning, the kind that two girls really had no business giving each other.

Keiko rolled her eyes affectionately. "Yes, that. Hopefully, the fact that we are standing atop Lovers' Hill will mitigate the abominable romantic timing."

Shikamaru choked. "We're standing atop what?!"

Tenten stepped forward. She laid a hand on Shiori and Shikamaru's shoulders. The warmth and weight of it somehow conveyed a feeling of welcoming acceptance. Then, she gently turned them to face west.

As the four of them were caressed by the last rays of the setting sun, Shiori found she didn't mind the mass market appeal at all.

Clusterfuck turned into a sobfest turned into a nice moment.

-o-

November 29, 5 p.m.

Training with Ebisu-sensei had been exhausting. The only thing more unbelievable than the man's personality was his teaching methods. It almost made Hazō long for the simple, predictable madness of Rock Lee. (Almost, but not quite—there was only so much he was prepared to hear about the things Lee intended to do with his performance spike.)

A pair of familiar faces passed him on his way home.

"Hazō," Keiko acknowledged him, pausing her conversation with Nara only long enough to fulfil the barest demands of etiquette.

"Keiko."

"Gōketsu."

"Nara."

Apparently, those two were having another instance of two individuals spending a day together in order to facilitate greater mutual knowledge and familiarity, arranged in anticipation of a potential long-term relationship. Hazō smiled to himself. That they'd arranged another meeting so soon after the last was a sure sign that they were growing closer. In fact, maybe Shikamaru was the mysterious "friend" that Keiko kept going out to train with. Finally, somebody in his family had a source of simple, uncomplicated happiness.

All three moved on. Hazō could hear the others arguing good-naturedly as they walked away.

"The superiority of qualitative research should be self-evident at this point, Shikamaru. Body language serves as an excellent example of in-depth individual case studies compensating for a lack of patterns in broader data."

"Trivially dismissed, Keiko, and not just because your analogy is flawed. Without quantitative research, how do you propose to ever expand the scope of your analysis to encompass a statistically significant sample of the population?"

Hazō's smile widened as he heard the names. Really, it was strange how he hadn't seen it coming, what with all the time those two had been spending together. After the whole Mari-sensei thing, somehow it had never occurred to him that Keiko might eventually get a boyfriend.

*twitch*

Oh, goddamnit Hazou.

-o-

November 29, 7 p.m.

"You wanted to see us, sir?"

What little was available of the Gōketsu Clan stood in front of Jiraiya in his office. There were enough papers on his desk that he'd had to redistribute some from the middle stack to make sure at least his face was visible. Hazō was tempted to peek at some of the titles, but he was pretty sure it would get him court-martialled if Jiraiya noticed, and he had sealing ideas he wanted to work on tonight.

"Let's make this short and sweet," Jiraiya said wearily. "Mari's going through hell, I have no idea why, I have no idea what to do about it, and I'm not going to be home for a while.

"That means she's your responsibility until further notice. Fix her if you can. Make sure she gets enough food and sleep if you can't. Take any sharp objects out of her room, including the ones concealed on her, and the ones that those are a distraction from. And whatever you do, don't let anyone else near the building. Clear?"

"I'll double the trap layers," Kagome-sensei said. "No… schmuck… is going to get within a mile of our Mari. I'll figure out some special meals too. Keep her strength up while she's fighting… whatever she's fighting."

"I will attempt to address the root cause," Keiko said nervously, "though I fear I may have already accomplished as much as I can on that front."

"I'll…" What could Hazō possibly do? He could try to talk to Mari-sensei and make her feel better. After all, it wasn't like anything he said could make things worse.

Who was he kidding, of course it could. If even Keiko, who was probably closer to Mari-sensei than any of them, couldn't pull it off… No, they needed Noburi. They needed him like never before.

But there was something else that needed to be done, and neither Keiko nor Kagome-sensei could do it.

"I'll be the point of contact for the clan while you're busy and she's 'sick'," Hazō said. "Everyone can direct their queries to me and I'll give them excuses for why their urgent business needs to wait just a little longer. Keiko can help me make a list."

"Kid, I don't know if that's such a good idea."

Hazō set his features into an expression of determination that he'd once spent hours practising with Mari-sensei.

"Sir, if we're going to be the foundations of your clan, you need to give us a chance to earn your trust."

Jiraiya gave him a measuring look.

"If I come back to find the compound on fire or full of chakra gerbils, I'll feed you to Hiashi myself."

"I won't let you down."

Or so Hazō hoped from the bottom of his heart.

My non-linear perspective on this moment is not doing me any favours here.

-o-

November 29, 11 p.m.

Having seen some of the looks people were giving him outside, and heard some of the whispers, it was increasingly becoming apparent to Hazō that he needed to educate himself, maybe not on orgies (not that he wasn't curious, but he absolutely could not get caught reading something like that right now), but at least on whatever it was Jiraiya wrote that made people so willing to believe that his home would host them. Purely for academic reasons, of course.

But if Jiraiya's novels were available somewhere in the Gōketsu compound (and he'd bet all of Noburi's money that they were), he had no idea where to find them. At least unless they were in the master bedroom currently occupied by Mari-sensei, which was not a place he dared venture lightly. The obvious next step, then, was to consult Keiko, who would surely be able to provide an encyclopaedic knowledge of Jiraiya's novels just as she did everything else. All he had to do was ask politely.

Mindful of the late hour, Hazō knocked softly on her door.

No response.

He knocked slightly harder.

No response.

He didn't want to go even louder in case she was asleep and he woke her, or indeed somebody else further down the corridor. Instead, he carefully eased the armoured titan of a door open and peeked inside.

Keiko was indeed awake, and at her desk, contemplating some small object held in her hands. Looking more closely, Hazō thought it was some kind of tiny bladed chain, the kind of souvenir a rich civilian who knew nothing about ninja might buy as a paperweight. Keiko seemed hypnotised by it, apparently to the point where she hadn't heard him knock or open the door.

"Keiko?"

She whirled around with lightning speed, simultaneously whisking the paperweight out of sight.

Realising the ridiculousness of standing on the threshold looking in, like some sort of peeping tom, Hazō stepped inside. "Sorry about that. I didn't know if you were asleep, and there was something I was going to ask you."

"You saw, didn't you?" Keiko said mildly.

Hazō's brain kept just ahead of his mouth. "Saw what? I didn't see anything.

"Not that there was anything to see," he added for good measure, "or that I would have seen it if there was."

Keiko rose from her seat. She walked smoothly over to the door, closed it before Hazō could make a move, then locked it with a key.

"Keiko, I'm not sure what you're thinking, but it's definitely not a good idea!"

"Fear not. I take care to keep the Sheet fresh in my memory so I will not need to physically retrieve it. I also have some unlisted ideas which I keep in reserve so as to avoid complete predictability."

"Keiko, please open the door."

Keiko walked over to her equipment chest at a leisurely pace.

"Keiko, please open the door."

"Did you know," she asked lightly as she unlocked the chest, "that T&I catalogues are available on request from the main office?"

Without hesitation, Hazō dove through the window, breaking through the wooden shutters in the process.

"Come back!" Keiko called out to him as he landed in a forward roll through the snow. "We have so much testing to do!"

On the plus side, Hazō was no stranger to hiding outdoors in the freezing cold while a merciless enemy might or might not be hunting for him. In the early hours of the morning, after watching Fifi drive off an albino chakra fox scavenging for infused seals in the outdoor lab, he decided that the animals' uninhibited behaviour probably meant the compound's apex predator was asleep, and snuck back inside.

At the start of the round, Hazō uses maximum chakra boost. He spends 25 CP to gain +5 to all combat skills.

Keiko: Alertness 31
Hazō: Alertness 30
Turn order: Keiko, Hazō

Keiko
Keiko uses her Standard action to Block Hazō with Athletics.
Keiko: Athletics 38 + 6 = 44
Keiko uses one Supplemental action to open the chest.
Keiko uses one Supplemental action to interact with the contents. Hazō cannot see what she is doing as her body is blocking his line of sight.

Hazō
Hazō uses his Standard action to Attack the shutters.
Hazō: Taijutsu 43 + 5 + 3 = 51 vs Block 44
Hazō beats Keiko's Block.
Hazō: Taijutsu 51 vs TN 30
Hazō generates 7 shifts and deals 3 stress to the shutters.
Hazō breaks the shutters.
The zone Border is now 0.
Hazō uses one Supplemental action to move.
Hazō: Athletics 40 + 5 - 3 = 42 vs Block 44
Hazō spends 1 FP to reroll.
Hazō: Athletics 40 + 5 + 3 = 48 vs Block 44
Hazō beats Keiko's Block.
Hazō generates 1 shift of movement.
Hazō leaves the zone.
Hazō uses one Supplemental action to keep running.

LOL.

-o-

November 30, 12 p.m.

It had taken Hazō three days, three nerve-wracking days, to reach Step 1 of his orgy damage control plan: have lunch with Yamanaka. One day, she was unavailable. The next, she was washing her hair. The one after that, washing her hair again. There was probably meant to be a subtle hint in there somewhere, but Hazō had chosen to ignore it. Today, Yamanaka had finally either changed her mind about him or given up, because he'd got a very curt pre-emptive message in the morning inviting him to the most expensive café he was aware of. Hazō was getting plenty of practice ignoring hints lately.

Hazō joined Yamanaka at an outdoor table, suppressing an enormous yawn in case the vain heiress took it as a personal offence. A glance at the menu showed a number of zeroes that he did not know a word for.

"Hi, Yamanaka."

"Gōketsu."

Yamanaka was radiating such levels of iciness that for a moment Hazō wondered if he was facing an angry Keiko who had spontaneously learned genjutsu in order to catch him off guard. It took him until they were both done ordering lunch before Hazō could gather up the courage to talk to her.

Shit.

"Yamanaka…" Hazō began tentatively, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry about the orgy misunderstanding. I have no idea how anyone could possibly have thought I wanted an orgy. I mean, come on, I invited Rock Lee. Would you invite Rock Lee to an orgy?"

"Yuck. Quit it, Gōketsu, some of us are trying to eat."

"Sorry about that. You're right, nobody needs that mental image."

Shit.

The conversation stalled there. What would Noburi do? He'd be suave and charming, and get Yamanaka to talk about herself, a subject dear to any teenage girl's heart.

"So anyway, moving quickly past that, what have you been up to this week? Tournament training going OK? Ready to wipe the floor with the world's finest?"

"Like I'm going to give you that kind of tactical info. I just hope I get to take you down in the finals, assuming you make it that far."

SHIT.

"Yamanaka," Hazō said carefully. "I apologised for the orgy thing. It wasn't my fault, I couldn't have seen it coming, and I stopped it as soon as I could. Is there still an issue?"

Yamanaka put down her chopsticks. "The issue is you being a loser, Gōketsu. You broke the heart of the sweetest, purest, kindest girl I've ever met, a girl worth a thousand of you, and you expect me not to care?"

"That's what you're angry with me about? But you even came to my gaming night!"

"Yes," Yamanaka explained with exaggerated patience, "because when someone throws a party for all the clan heirs, you go. Even if your host is some lecherous old man who likes 'em young—or worse, an Inuzuka—if everyone else is going, you go. That's how making connections and maintaining them works. That's how politics works. How do you plan to survive in the big leagues if you don't even know that much?"

SHIT

Mum had told him that Yamanaka might be mad with him after the lack-of-orgy, regardless of whose fault it was. She'd be feeling humiliated that she ever thought of going along with it, and at her most irrational, she might well lay the blame for her bad decisions at his feet. Now, apparently, she was laying the blame for other people's bad decisions at his feet as well.

Mum-strats pls guide this poor boys fate gently.

"She broke up with me, not the other way around. If I had my way, we'd still be in a happy relationship together."

"Are you kidding, Gōketsu? After the way you fucked up? And all the other crap you must have pulled before to get her to that point? She's in a world of pain because of you right now!"

Hazō had to control his anger, while simultaneously filing away the "world of pain" comment so he could beat himself up about it later. Mum had been very specific about reacting to provocation. Even if he felt falsely accused, Yamanaka would be a girl accustomed to getting her way. Straight-out telling her she was wrong would put him in a direct confrontation with a more experienced opponent.

"Did Akane put you up to this?" he asked instead, already knowing the answer.

Oh, by George, he's got it.

"She didn't need to! Looking out for your BFF is just what you do. If some loser screws her over because he can't—"

No head-on confrontations. But Hazō felt like he couldn't let this pass either. His intentions were good. His intentions were always good, even if he had trouble putting them into practice. He could accept people faulting him for the latter—he knew his stack of good things to do in the future was much taller than his stack of good things done so far—but he didn't want to be misread as somebody who didn't care to begin with. Especially not by an outsider who was judging him without having put in the effort to get to know him.

He's done it.

He interrupted her.

"Other people's relationships are not your business, Yamanaka."

He has actually done it.

"What?!" Yamanaka looked as if he'd just told her that Jiraiya was away infiltrating Rain without a disguise kit. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Akane and I can talk to each other without your help," Hazō said with deliberate evenness. "If she wants to tell me how angry she is, or how sad, or how hurt, she can. And it's not like you can read her mind."

He frowned.

"OK, maybe you can read her mind. But that still doesn't give you the right to say things on her behalf that she's chosen not to. No matter how messy or complicated it might get, it's a relationship between her and me. You have no place in it."

Yamanaka flinched.

LETS

GO

(By the way I see that canon reference!)

When she next spoke, her words were more subdued. "So what? Are you saying I should just stand by and do nothing while some loser robs my best friend of everything she ever wanted?"

What was he saying? He was well outside the territory of his mother's advice or his paltry imitation of Noburi.

Hazō studied Yamanaka's face as he took another bite of he-didn't-even-care-what to give him time to think before speaking. What did he want Yamanaka to do? What did he want Yamanaka to be? It might have been a selfish question, but it wasn't like he could answer it from any perspective but his own.

"I want you to deal with me as Gōketsu Hazō," he decided. "Not as Akane's ex. If Akane needs you to mediate, or to act on her behalf, you know she'll ask for it. She's that kind of person. Until then, I'd rather you got to know me as me. If you have any complaints after that, I'll listen."

"Oh, right," Yamanaka muttered to herself. "That was why."

Brb, I need to get material for an adequate representation of my reaction here.

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Fine, you have a stay of execution. For now. But only because Akane's the unascended goddess of compassion and you're about to buy me the most overpriced dessert in the history of the Elemental Nations. And you're still an insensitive, loose-tongued, clumsy failure of a human being until proven innocent."

Hazō sagged with relief. "I can live with that."

"I assume you didn't really come here to apologise," Yamanaka said while studying the menu with a cruel expression that did not bode well for Hazō's wallet. "I'd have heard if you'd bothered apologising to any of the other guests. So are you here to ask for my help with damage control on the rumours?"

Huh. Hazō had somehow completely forgotten about that.

"Well, whatever, she said. "I should probably just leave you to suffer, but in the spirit of temporary and easily-cancelled mercy, I'll help you as a special favour—of the very expensive kind."

Ino pulled out some writing implements. "You won't be able to stop the rumour spreading across the entire Fire Country," she said in a brisk, professional voice. "That ship has sailed. But if you want to soften the long-term impact, at least here in Leaf, which is the only place worth caring about, you'll want to leverage Mitarashi and the Hokage's histories for all they're worth. Here's a list of people to ask about Mitarashi. And here's a list of questions to ask the Hokage about his sexual history. Get as much detail as you can; it'll be important later. Once you've got that info, what you'll want to do is this…"

Sigh. So nice.

-o-

December 3, 2:15 p.m.

"Now, sir, is that everything I can help you with?" the bookshop owner asked, sliding books into a cloth bag one by one in a way that suggested nearly religious respect for the craft of selling literature.

"Sure," Hazō said, handing over the money. "Say, what's that on the floor?"

The shopkeeper snatched up the book as if it was a summoning scroll about to roll into a crevasse. He clicked his tongue. "The previous customer must have dropped it in his… hurry."

The cover read FUBAR and You: When and How to Get Out Of Awkward Situations.

Hazō felt a sudden wave of sympathy for Inuzuka.

"Actually," he said after a little thought, "can I get that one as well?"

Yes, good Hazou.

The shopkeeper drew a fractionally larger bag out from behind the counter. "But of course."

He hesitated. "I do not mean to offend, Mr Gōketsu, but would you mind satisfying my curiosity about something?"

"Depends," the temporary official representative of the Gōketsu Clan said warily.

"It's just… What is she like?"

"Who?"

"Your little sister, of course."

"My… little sister?" Keiko was three weeks older than him.

Uh. I don't... like where this is going.

On the other hand, given Jiraiya's… history, it wouldn't be surprising if he were drowning in bastard children.

But if he'd acknowledged one, somebody else would have said something by now. Or if it was so classified that even Hazō hadn't known, he wouldn't be finding out about it from a random civilian.

"Gōketsu Keiko," the shopkeeper clarified. "Nobody in the fan club has had a chance to speak to her in person yet, you see."

Hazō nearly dropped his books. "The what?"

"The Official Gōketsu Keiko Fan Club. We've been running for less than a week, but we're very dedicated."

Huh.
Okay then.

Hazō looked out of the window to make sure a delayed sealing failure hadn't shifted him into a divergent timeline. Unfortunately, the shop's shutters were closed to keep the cold out, avenging their fallen brethren by denying him potentially vital information.

"How can there possibly be an Official Gōketsu Keiko Fan Club?" If they'd been running for less than a week, that should be a safe question even if he was in a possible timeline where Keiko was the Omnikage and questioning her divinity was grounds for summary execution.

"Well, sir," the shopkeeper's voice took on an ardent quality, "at first it was just another rumour about a salesman meeting the Hokage's daughter, and how she was an adorable little angel unlike anything he'd ever seen. But then some of us started looking out for her in the streets, just out of curiosity, and we saw that every word was true! She's cute as a button, but with a quiet dignity, and very tall for only ten years old. A few bold people tried talking to her, but of course she left as quickly as she could, being scared of strangers and all. We're hoping that once our numbers are higher, we can provide an escort to keep idiots like that away.

"Not that I'm saying she needs help to defend herself or anything, of course, being an honourable ninja in training," the shopkeeper added quickly. "We just don't want a sensitive young girl to feel uncomfortable walking through the village."

Hazō listened open-mouthed. Would this timeline have a Kagome-sensei capable of sending him back?

Heh.

Omake central right there.

"Now, we don't have any merchandise yet, but our secretary's cousin is a carpenter, and my brother-in-law is the most talented manuscript illuminator, and I'm sure we could do a lot more once both membership and demand are a little higher. Obviously, we're prepared to pay a cut directly to Miss Gōketsu, as thanks for being our inspiration."

"This is definitely Keiko we're talking about? Former missing-nin-but-not-really, Pangolin Summoner, jōnin-level-death-glare Keiko?"

The shopkeeper gave a benevolent smile. "You must be so proud."

If all those facts checked out, then maybe he was in his original timeline after all, and it was just a lot less sane than he'd ever realised. For a moment, Hazō considered dispelling the man's illusions. This fan club thing could not possibly end well, and Keiko's reaction when she heard about it…

Then a memory flashed through his mind, of spending the night shivering outside while constantly looking for the glint of sharp metal beneath the moonlight. And then a slightly earlier one, of being verbally eviscerated for no reason whatsoever while he was just trying to have a quiet mug of hot chocolate.

"You understand this didn't come from me," he said, leaning in towards the shopkeeper.

"Why, sir, I have forgotten your visit already."

Hazō wavered for a second, but finally gave in to the dark side. What was one more droplet of insanity in a world already spiralling into the abyss?

Hazō lowered his voice as if passing classified information to a fellow infiltrator.

"Her favourite stuffed toy is a black kitten named Mr Cuddles."

Ow. My lungs. The laughter.

Also:

You toy with forces outside of your understanding, boy!

-o-

December 3, 6 p.m.

Hazō was running as fast as he could. Chakra boost and everything. He came close to having to make athletic rolls to avoid crashing into anyone in the street, but he didn't care. Not after the message he'd received.

Noburi was back. And in hospital.

I think you mean "And in the hospital"

Also, oh shit!

"Where is he?" Hazō demanded of the clerk at the entrance.

"Could you please specify whom you are—"

Hazō seized the man by the collar. "Where is he?"

"Who?"

"Noburi," Hazō snarled. "Where is Gōketsu Noburi?"

"Th-Third door on your left, sir!"

Hazō charged through the door.

You go, 'zou.

"Whoa. Dude, are you trying to kill me?"

Hazō skidded to a halt before he could crash into Noburi—healthy, grinning Noburi. Well, healthy except for all the slashes across his body, including three cuts in an oddly straight line across his chest that would eventually make for an amazing battle scar.

JASHIN FIGHT CONFIRMED!

Noburi noticed Hazō examining his body. "Before you get any ideas, just because I've still got my jacket off doesn't mean I'm suddenly into that sort of thing. You do you, which is to say tying up Keiko, and I'll do me, which is to say assembling a harem of all the hottest girls in the village."

"You're back!" Hazō beamed, ignoring the dig. "And I don't see any missing limbs!"

Snerk. I see what you did there.

"Yeah, well," Noburi's grin faded a little. "I got lucky—morons jumped us over open water. Also, Captain Kakashi's a beast. I reckon that guy could go toe to toe with freaking Zabuza."

Noburi met Zabuza, Kakashi prevented him from dying.

Captain Kakashi huh?

So I guess Nobby was the support nin for a big squad of elite ANBU.

"Are you sure you should be telling me this?"

"Me?" Noburi winked. "Break OPSEC? Pfft, never gonna happen. Captain Kakashi's been home baking cookies all week. I was probably just delirious with pain and you mistakenly thought you'd got something coherent out of my rambling."

We were right about the OPSEC cookies.

We must learn this power.

"But… you're not in pain."

"Wanna bet?" Noburi grimaced. "I'm on enough willow bark to develop my own Wood Element, and for once that's not a euphemism. They're all shallow wounds, though, and besides, we had Leaf's rising star of medical ninjutsu on hand. I'll be back in top form well before the tournament, or [classified] is going to get a damn Water Whip up his [classified] before Jiraiya can so much as [classified]."

"What was that weird thing you did with your mouth just then?"

"Dude, still not into that. Now help me get my stuff so I can go join the debriefing."

"Don't take too long. We're going to need you to save the world."

Noburi is the prophesied one.

-o-

You have received no additional XP. Hazō has spent 1 FP and gained 1 FP for winning a conflict with meaningful stakes.

-o-

You are done with the casino seals. There were no sealing failures beyond the sealing lab's power to safely contain. They have a six-foot range, and set off an alarm if they detect active chakra emission within it. Casting ninjutsu counts; already-active ninjutsu and chakra boosting (which is purely internal) do not. The Iron Nerve, Frozen Skein and Vampiric Dew are also not based on chakra emission and therefore do not trigger them.

Other training and scroll scribing proceeds apace.

Hana is prepared to provide you with non-Kurosawa social training. You may therefore train social skills even while Mari is unavailable.

Information on Kashiwagi is very unavailable. Information on the Sand-nin is also unavailable, but at least in their case that makes it likely that they don't have Bloodline Limits or family powers notable enough to be known in Leaf.

-o-

What do you do?

Voting closes on Saturday 13th of October, 9 a.m. New York Time.

11/10, would read and review again.

@eaglejarl yours is up later BirdDuke. I have not forgotten!

Emstar · Oct 15, 2018

Round 2: BirdDuke Boogaloo

eaglejarl said:
Chapter 218: Concern for Others

"Keiko, got a minute?" Hazō asked, rapping carefully on his sister's door.

Very carefully. It wasn't yet a week since Keiko had, possibly, maybe even probably, tried to kill him.

"What do you want, Hazō?"

"I'm worried about Mari-sensei. She hasn't been coming out of her room."

Keiko studied him calmly. "Indeed."

"Uh...Well, there's some things that I think you and Noburi should both know. I thought you probably already knew, but—"

"I feel certain that if Mari-sensei wanted us to know these things, she would have told us herself."

Well, thats ominous.

Fingers crossed for keeping the conversational pants on, Hazou.

"I...don't think that's true, actually. Or, at least, I think that these things are...let's say surprising, and that it's important we all learn them under controlled conditions so they don't come out at a bad time."

Keiko digested that one. "I suppose this makes sense. Very well. I assume that this is about our mutual history?"

Hazō nodded. "Specifically, the whole 'suicide mission' thing. I really think we should talk about this somewhere more secure."

"Very well. Let us collect Noburi."

Awesome, good wording Hazou.

That proved easy enough, since Hazō had checked that Noburi was in the house before approaching Keiko. The other boy wasn't terribly sanguine about getting up from his nap, mumbling about how he was still tired from his exciting mission that he really couldn't talk about but oh boy it had been amazing. And important. Probably one of the most important missions anyone had gone on in the last few weeks and he really wished he could tell Hazō all about it, but Hazō just didn't have the clearance that his slightly-younger brother did. So sorry.

Unless you had access to Jiriaya's various tunneling jutsu there simply was no spot in Leaf that could be trusted as truly secure, and Hazō was not about to risk Mari-sensei's secrets on half measures. Accordingly, the three teens headed out the Konoha gates long before the sun was high, intending to find a quiet patch of wilderness for their long-overdue conversation.

"Morning," the guard captain said, stepping away from the fire that he and his squad had going in a large metal firebox in order to keep back the biting cold. "Headed out?"

"Yes sir," Hazō said politely. "We'll be back in a couple hours."

The guard captain raised an eyebrow. "Short mission, huh? What, message delivery to one of the villages?"

"Uh, no sir. Just need to have a private talk."

The guard captain looked at him as though Hazō had spontaneously grown a second head. "Yeah, no. Nobody leaves without a mission stamp."

Huh. What? Thats a new thing. Hmmm.

I suppose maybe that fails to apply after a certain rank, or something?

Keiko cocked her head in surprise. "Does this mean that civilian merchants require a mission stamp in order to take their goods to market outside the city?"

The 'brand new second head' look was transferred to Hazō's sister. "Who cares where civilians go? Ninja don't leave without a stamp."

The three Gōketsu exchanged looks.

"We shall return shortly."

I could have sworn there was a section here about Keiko going all

"I was literally on a date in the town over that way a few days ago."

and the guy was like

"Yeah but Jiraiya cleared that in advance."

Perhaps BirdDuke removed because Jiraiya didn't know about the date? Hmmm.

o-o-o-o

"Good morning, sirs and ma'am," said the genin manning the mission desk. He was in his early twenties and lacked his chūnin vest. There were no significant visible scars or missing limbs, meaning his failure to be promoted was not due to medical incapacitation but, presumably, some catastrophic personal failure—perhaps he lacked the will to train hard enough, or was simply too stupid to be trusted on solo missions.

The word 'skinwaste' flickered through Hazō's mind, but he pushed it away and refused to allow his face to respond to the thought. It was a Mist word and had no place in Leaf.

Well, thats uh... That's a thing.

I suppose there would be a decent amount of Meritocratic Discriminating going on in Mist and in the EN in general. I suppose if you live long enough to be in your mid 20s, you probably should be Not a Genin or be physically prevented from being promoted. Everything else is sloth and incompetence, which we don't take kindly to around these parts.

Makes sense, I guess. It might be a bit rude and "mudblood"-y, but at least theres some justification here beyond in-setting racism or something.

"Good morning," Keiko said. "We would like a short C-rank. Do you have any messenger missions?"

The man smiled. "Itchy feet, huh?"

"Something like that. Missions?"

The man consulted the mission book, lips moving slightly as he ran his finger slowly down the page. "Let's see, messenger, messenger...I've got a caravan escort mission going to Lightning."

"Pass," Noburi said.

"Bodguard for—"

"Pass."

"Till'n'fill?"

Hazō frowned. "I don't know that term."

"Till'n'fill is when you go out and help some civilians with infrastructure issues. Usually it's farmers, and it's things like setting some explosive tags to clear out tree stumps, using Earth jutsu to build walls or Fire jutsu to burn off fields, that kind of thing."

The floor tilted under Hazō and the firmament shook above him. This was his own concept of Uplift, already being implemented. How had he not known about this?

Right there with ya kid.

Who did this? This is great, but what the hell?

"I've never heard of such a thing," he said, almost stumbling over the words. "How...I mean, what...I mean...."

The genin chuckled. "Yeah, weird, huh? I mean, ninja doing farm work? Bizarre. Anyway, it's a new mission category. Lord Hokage directed that everyone should suggest it to any village they pass through. It's catching on; farmers like it and it's easy money. Not a lot of money, but it's light work. Good for people who are convalescing, or for anyone who wants to pick up a little extra pocket change."

Jiraiya is the greatest.

Despite how busy he is on a daily basis, he at least implements a systematic way for our ideals to be put into execution while simultaneously making the village some solid money.

Good man.

"How many of these are there?"

The genin looked down at the mission book again, his finger sliding slowly down the page, lips moving as he silently counted. Seconds dragged by as the man worked his way through the kanji, until all three Gōketsu were struggling to conceal their impatience.

Ugh. Paperwork. Bureaucratic nonsense.

What rich clanless merchant is this the second son of?

"Six," the skinwaste finally said. "One burnoff, three wall jobs, one plowing, and a land clearance thing."

"We'll take one of the wall jobs," Hazō said excitedly. "I've got Multiple Earth Wall."

"Don't you want to know how much it—"

"Don't care," Hazō said. "We'll take it."

The man's eyebrows went up but he shrugged. "Your call, sir. Here you go." He shuffled through the pile of papers in front of him, extracted one, and handed it over. "And what would you two like?" he asked, looking at Keiko and Noburi.

"Hang on, I said 'we' would take it," Hazō said.

"Sorry sir, it's a one-person job. Can't be wasting multiple ninja on something this trivial, after all."

"I will take the plowing," Keiko said. "My pangolins will make short work of it."

The man frowned. "Pangolins, ma'am? I'm not familiar with that jutsu. Is it long-ranged? The ground is frozen solid and full of sickweed spores. It needs to be turned over so that the starlight can kill the spores. You don't want to be in the middle of it when the spores get kicked up."

"She's the Pangolin Summoner," Hazō said impatiently. "You know, big scaly things with huge claws? Really good at digging? Totally immune to poison?"

"Oh," the skinwaste said. "Huh. Okay, well, I guess that's fine. Here you go." He made another mark in the mission book, tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth in concentration, then shuffled through the papers with frustrating slowness before passing the relevant sheet to Keiko.

"I'll take the land clearance," Noburi said quickly. "It's that one." He pointed to the relevant sheet where it sat half-exposed in the stack.

The skinwaste shot a surprised glance at Noburi, then picked up the sheet and read through it slowly. "Wow, you've got good eyes, sir. What do you have for the job, sir?"

"Excuse me?"

"Policy is that I can't give these to people who can't do the job. Unprofessional, sir."

Noburi sighed in aggravation. "They need some land cleared, right? Trees knocked down, rocks moved, that kind of thing?"

The stupid idiot desk minion bent over the sheet again. "Let's see...there's brush and, um, threehorn dens and...grappler oak—" Waiting for him to puzzle through the kanji nearly drove Hazō to scream.

"Yeah, whatever," Noburi broke in. "Look, I'm carrying about a hundred and fifty explosive tags on me right now, so I doubt there's anything there that'll be an issue."

KagomeIsRight=KagomeIsRight +1;

Aside: I truly love Kagome. He is a bastion of wisdom and reasonable behavior.

Listen to none of his detractors, they are foolish and inexperienced in the ways of the world.

Three heads turned to Noburi in shock.

"A hundred and fifty?" Hazō asked.

Noburi shifted in mild embarrassment. "Yeah, I realized on the way over that I forgot to restock after the mission."

"You forgot to restock?" the skinwaste said faintly. "A hundred and fifty tags and you forgot to restock?"

"I know, right?" Hazō muttered. "Idiot." He ruffled through a belt pouch and passed over a wad of seals. "Here, this should cover you for a short thing like this."

Once again, a reminder that we can shit out explosives in truly massive quantities.

Noburi collected the pack from Hazō and the one that Keiko offered, the edge barely clasped between her fingertips.

"Thanks," Noburi said. He turned to the desk minion and held out an expectant hand. "Mission page, please?"

"Uh, sir," the skinwaste said, holding onto the page. "You know that you won't be comped for the tags, right? It's going to lose you money if you use more than one or two."

"Just give me the damn mission, okay?"

"Yes sir. Here you go." He passed the sheet over and bent to make the relevant mark in the mission book.

The Gōketsu were out the door before his brush touched ink.

FULL STOP.

Yeah, you! You reading this. Full stop!

Take careful note:

"Uh, sir," the skinwaste said, holding onto the page. "You know that you won't be comped for the tags, right? It's going to lose you money if you use more than one or two."

This is a massively useful tidbit of info:

1)These Uplift C-ranks are worth approximately ~2 explosive tags
2) C-ranks in general likely pay out on the order of magnitude of "A handful or two of explosive tags"
3) Hazou can make a dozen explosive tags in an hour.
4) So we can fund a few dozen of these a week with ~2-3 hours of weekly explosive tag making.
- - Note: Most clan schmucks won't take "Help out the poor" missions. You think Hiashi is going to help out the lowborn? Psh.
- - Note well: So this is prime fodder for clanless ninja of Genin/Chunin rank.
- - Note very well: So by funding a buttload of these, we help those clanless folk out quite a lot.
5) We can likely get a few dozen average C-ranks of pay each week with approximately 2-3 hours a day of explosive tags production.
- - Approximately 168 - 252 Explosives.
- - Literally a few hours between dinner and bedtime for Hazou alone.
- - We can use this money as seed $$$ for actual moneymaking ventures.

We now return to your regularly scheduled read-through.

o-o-o-o

Mission stamps in hand, there was no trouble leaving the city. Unfortunately, this left some logistical issues. Hazō's job was in a town an hour to the northwest of Leaf and Keiko's about forty miles east of it. Noburi's unfortunately, was three hours to the south of Leaf. Noburi grumbled all the way out the gate, both at needing to spend most of a day out in the freezing cold and about having to do it solo. Still, he went along gamely enough.

The three teens traveled west for half an hour before stopping to talk. They found the stump of a fallen tree and brushed the snow off so that Hazō could unseal a firebox much like the ones the gate guards had been using. They put up a sound-blocking Air Dome over themselves, pointed a Purifier at the smoke from the fire, and crouched around the flames, hands extended to the welcome heat. Both boys made sure to keep their hands well away from Keiko's.

"Okay, what's so important that you had to drag me out into this miserable weather?"

"Mari-sensei was the one who chose all of us for the Swamp mission," Hazō said bluntly.

Noburi jerked, eyes going wide.

Gasp.

Hazou, that was a bit blunt. I think Noburi might take this a bit poorly, maybe?

"I figured you should know because I didn't want it coming out at a bad time," Hazō said. "And because she's been miserable lately, and I think the three of us should go talk to her, try to cheer her up."

Noburi paused to consider, then looked over at Keiko. "You don't seem surprised."

Their sister shrugged. "I suspected, and she confirmed it the other day."

"Why am I always the last to know everything?" Noburi complained. "I mean, seriously. What is this? And, back on topic, why did she pick us? And why did the mission happen in the first place? And...argh!" The frustrated noise suggested that the number of questions piling up in his throat had been more than could be efficiently managed.

"As she mentioned previously, Shikigami wanted to found a village," Keiko said. "He wanted power, but wanted to use that power to build something better than Mist. He was responsible for logistics, destination, and defense plans, but he wasn't a social spec. He outsourced member selection to Mari-sensei. Hence why she had researched us—not only to obtain blackmail material, but also to locate appropriate candidates."

"And by 'appropriate candidates'," Hazō interjected, "she means young ninja with significant potential who weren't receiving the training they needed to fulfill that potential. She chose us because she saw diamonds in the rough."

Noburi shifted, shrugging his shoulders slightly to settle the weight of his barrel more comfortably as he thought. Keiko and Hazō waited, watching him in silence.

"Huh."

Thank all the stars in heaven Noburi is the most reasonable of all people.

"'Huh'?" Hazō asked carefully. "What does that mean?"

"Well...if I look at it honestly, it's worked out pretty well. She lied to me and took me away from my family, and I think I would have been pretty pissed about that before the Exams, but now.... Well, after the Chūnin Exams it's clear that Water and Fire are going to be getting closer, so I can go back and visit the Wakahisa whenever I want. And I've got a new family now. Keiko, Jiraiya, Kagome, Mari-sensei...even Fifi is pretty cool."

Yeah! This guy gets it!

Fuck. Social interactions with Noburi is such a relief compared to everyone else.

Why you so awesome, bro?

"Ahem."

Noburi grinned. "Yeah, okay, you're not bad either, Mr. Mew. Not cool, but not bad."

Hazō gave his brother a disgruntled look.

"Like you said before, I was always second choice back in Mist, even after my brother died. I feel like I've really grown since we left. I've gotten better training, I'm way stronger, and I'm actually appreciated. I've been selected for the Chūnin Exams, although I grant that was partly political. Still, we kicked so much ass that we probably got an entry in the bingo books. I've been chosen for really, really important missions that I sure wish I could tell you about, Mr. Mew, but you just aren't ready for such amazing info. We're the kids of the Hokage and it's even possible that one of us could end up wearing the hat.

Yeah, it's going to be you. Don't think we didn't notice the extra 1000 XP in your character sheet!

(puppydog eyes)

"Honestly, I'm not sure what there is to be mad about. Like I said, I'm sure Jiraiya will let me go back to Mist to visit the family if I really want, and I'm not even sure I want to. Cousin Kiri is a raging bitch that I'm finally over. My parents...well, I don't want to break ties completely, but if I'm being honest I think that Mari-sensei has done a better job."

"Wow," Hazō said, "I was really worried that you were going to be all pissy the way you were af—the way you have been in the past."

Keiko's cheeks, already rosy from the cold, reddened further.

I actually don't recall what this is referring to. Is this about the Hotsprings thing, or the Killbox incident, or what?

Also, Herp Derp Hazou, way to be blunter than a rock. Oh well, I ain't complainin. That much.

Sheesh kid we need to get you some social training.

"Smooth, Mr. Mew. Anyway, no. I'm cool. And yes, we should talk to Mari-sensei." He paused, frowning in thought. "I'm not sure about going all three of us at once, though. On the one hand, it shows that we're all onboard with the forgiveness. On the other hand, it might seem a little intimidating."

"I leave it to the two of you to decide on issues of social interactions," Keiko said. "However, in the spirit of sharing things that could otherwise come out at inopportune times: Hazō, the reason that Mari-sensei is so miserable is because Kurosawa Hana tore her down. I do not know what she said, but it was sufficient to leave Mari-sensei crying for hours, possibly days."

Hazō blinked. "What."

"Your birth mother said or did something that destroyed Mari-sensei."

Several seconds dragged by as Hazō struggled to integrate that fact into the world around himself. "I'll talk to her," he said at last. "I'm sure it was some sort of misunderstanding."

"It was not," said Keiko, utter finality in her voice. "I spoke to her. I do not know the precise words that were exchanged, but what I infer is that Mari-sensei attempted to claim she had done her best to take care of us and then Kurosawa said something to the effect that Mari-sensei had merely used us throughout, that we had been nothing but tools to her. Mari-sensei told me that she 'had nothing to say in reply' and was left desolate. She was crying when I found her."

Hazō and Noburi exchanged worried looks. The idea of their confident, laughing sensei in tears seemed as impossible as fish hopping up the front lawn and asking for tea.

"Okay, I will definitely talk to Momma," Hazō said, his voice grim. "The only question I have is how we do this—talk to Mari-sensei, I mean. We could go in one by one, or the three of us could go, or we could bring Kagome and Jiraiya along so it's the whole family. Either of you have thoughts?"

I see this Hana convo becoming a minefield in the future. Ah well.

Silence fell.

"I don't think we should do the five-on-one thing," Noburi said at last. "If it were me, I think I would feel ganged up on. I'm inclined to say that the three of us go in as a group so that it's clear we're all in the know and in agreement. We say our piece, then one of us stays while the other two leave. Not sure, though. Thoughts?"

Hazō and Keiko exchanged looks and then shrugged. "I don't have a better plan," Hazō admitted.

"Nor do I," Keiko said. "And the Frozen Skein is not reliable for optimizing social situations, so I cannot check our plans the way I normally would. I trust your judgement, Noburi."

The other boy snorted and shook his head, smiling. "See, there's a thing that no one would be saying to me if Mari-sensei hadn't chosen us to be marked for death in the hellswamp."

Keiko's eyebrow arched. "A poetic turn of phrase."

"I'm a poetic kinda guy. Unless there's anything else, I'm freezing my butt off out here. Let's go do these stupid missions so that we can get home where it's warm. Oh, and one more thing: With the travel time on this plus the time to set all the charges they'll probably need, I'm not going to be home until late. We can talk to her tomorrow."

Thank all the stars in heaven Noburi is the most reasonable of all people.

Also, title drop!

How long have you been waiting for a good time for one of those? Answer honestly.

"Works for me," Hazō said. "Oh, one more thing—Keiko, I want to talk to Jiraiya about the Pangolin situation. Are you okay if I go ahead with that when I get back to Leaf, or should I wait for you to be there?"

"I find myself delighted at the knowledge that I shall be dozens of miles away when you have that conversation."

"So...that's a no on waiting for you to get back?"

Ominous foreshadowing is ominous.

o-o-o-o

Hazō's mission was trivially easy—an hour out, ten minutes to find the village head and ask where they needed the walls, two minutes to create the walls, an hour back. Keiko and Noburi wouldn't be home for hours, so it was time to check off the next item on today's task list.

"The Hokage is busy, sir," the ANBU guard said. "Unless this is another case of urgent news?"

"Huh?" Hazō asked.

"Never mind, sir. He's busy right now."

Hazō digested that. "When was the last time he ate?"

"Some tea was brought in about two hours ago. There were rice cakes with it."

Hazō nodded. "He's got a habit of forgetting to eat when he gets focused. I'll bring him something." He rummaged in his pouches until he found the relevant storage scroll, then unsealed a heaping bento box and a piping hot pot of tea.

Smart thinking, kid.

Everyone always trusts the pizza guy.

(Note to thread: do not trust any food delivery people in the future. This is a trap.)

The guard considered the casual use of storage seals—and, more relevantly, the sheer number of them that had been revealed as Hazō rummaged.

Yet another reminder that people are totally incredulous at the amount of seals we shit out for things on a daily basis.

"He didn't want to be disturbed..." the man said dubiously.

Hazō shrugged. "Look, I've got one quick question to ask him, and he needs the food. I'll drop the tray off and be out of there within two minutes."

The guard glanced at the closed door of the Hokage's office, then back at Hazō. His mask concealed whatever expression he might have had, but his body language was uncertain. After a few moments, a tiny nod indicated a decision made.

"Please set the tray down and show me your hands, sir."

Hazō frowned in confusion but did as he was told. The guard grabbed Hazō's hand and stabbed him in the thumb with a pin that Hazō had not realized he was holding.

"YOW!" the boy said, shaking his hand out before putting pressure on the injury. "What was that for?!"

The guard shrugged unrepentantly. "Standard procedure, sir. No idea why—probably something like a traitor would react faster because he'd be more nervous. Anyway, you pass. Mind that you don't take too long. Two minutes, you said."

WHAT?

You just, let in the kid with the food!?

The potentially poisoned food!?

NOTPARANOIDENOUGH.GIF

I suppose you have reasonably verified it's Hazou... but... but...

Perhaps I am too paranoid. Ever since [REDACTED] was removed from in-setting, it makes more sense they aren't as paranoid I guess.

Hazō picked the tray up and shot the ANBU a dark and promissory look, grumbling under his breath about how Keiko hadn't mentioned this happening to her so it couldn't be that standard. Painful experience, however, kept him from saying anything out loud that might even vaguely sound like a threat of dire and horrific vengeance. Instead, he rapped on the door and pushed it slightly open.

"Jiraiya? I mean, Lord Hokage? I've got some tea and food for you."

"Come in," growled the Toad Sage.

Hazō stepped inside, allowing the door to close behind him.

Jiraiya labored at the Hokage's desk like a man chained to the wheel at a mill. Stacks of paper were piled around him, the stack on his left twice the height of the one on his right. There had been a few small changes since the Fifth took over from the Third: Several lantern seals on the desk and the ceiling lit the room brightly, and the bookcases that bracketed the desk had changed their contents substantially, although Hazō couldn't make out the titles from where he was standing. The Third's lightly-immolated hat was in a shadow box on the wall by the door, right where Jiraiya would see it every time he looked up. Aside from that, the room was identical to the way it had been when the God of Shinobi had met them so long ago.

"Set it here," Jiraiya rumbled, pointing at the one empty part of the desk in front of him. "What do you want, Hazō? I doubt you came just to bring tea."

Hazō set the tray down and then, mindful of Jiraiya's imperfect mood and the ANBU's time limit, straightened to attention. His pre-rehearsed speech reduced his stress marginally, but only marginally.

Oh sweet sagemas he prepared in advance. Thank the heavens.

"Sir, I won't take much of your time," he said. "I understand that we can't do anything to curtail the Pangolin activities at the moment, and I won't do anything without your say-so. I just wanted to ask one question: What would need to be different before you would be comfortable allowing us to take concrete action?"

Jiraiya set his brush down with a sigh and rubbed his face. "Look, I get it," he said tiredly. "It obviously bothers you a lot, and I sympathize. To answer your question: Messing with the Pangolin Clan could destabilize their relations with the Toads. It would almost certainly lose us their financial support, and it might even cause them to break the Summoning contract with Keiko, drastically reducing her combat power and therefore safety. If things did get sour between the Clans then the Toads would get me and Keiko involved as intermediaries, which would require a lot of time that I can't spare right now. The Clan Council is going to be voting on my ownership of the hat the day after tomorrow. I've spoken with Shikaku and he's going to get the vote tabled until after the Chūnin Exams tournament, on the grounds that we would look weak if we changed Hokage before then. That will buy me a little more time before the vote, but only a little. So far I've done an okay job—I've secured Leaf some great trade deals. I've created a new mission category that's bringing in more income, although only a little. I've settled three diplomatic incidents before they became serious and without giving away too much. What I haven't done is find Naruto.

"The absolute minimum that would be required before I would be willing to act against the Pangolin would be that our clan had income equal to what we're currently getting from them, we would need to have Naruto back or conclusive proof that he was dead, and the clan would need to have a reasonable degree of physical security. In practice, 'physical security' probably means that I would need to have a secure grip on the hat, because if I get ousted then I can't predict what would happen and I'm not willing to risk Keiko losing her biggest combat asset in such conditions. Finally, we would need to have a plan that had a real chance of working."

Hope surged in Hazō's eyes and Jiraiya raised a warning finger. "That's at a minimum. I'm sympathetic to your concerns, but our family comes first. I'm not promising that it would be enough, but it's what I can think of off the top of my head while tired and hungry. Speaking of which, thanks for the food. You're a lifesaver." He reached out and grabbed a sandwich off the tray in his left hand, a winter apple in his right, and started wolfing both down with alternating bites.

Awesome! That couldn't have gone better, if I do say so myself.

"Thank you, sir," Hazō said, bowing deeply and backing out of the room. "You won't regret it."

Jiraiya's mouth was stuffed full of three-quarters of a sandwich, so he forebore to comment.

Author's Note: I'm sorry for cutting this update where I did; in particular, I was really excited to write the scene with Sasuke, although slightly dreading the one with Mari. Sadly, both of those scenes are long, it's almost 4:30pm, and I'm tired, so I will leave them for my better-at-social-scenes-anyway co-author.

@Velorien will take care of XP and/or FP awards. There will be no voting.

Good update, pleasure to read, stuff I've already said etc etc.

I am continuously amazed that @eaglejarl and @Velorien can push out half of a book worth of story each month on average.

And do so while adhering to very high standards of quality.

And do so while working around prompts given by a very ~~insane~~ thorough and meticulous reader base.

Cariyaga · Oct 15, 2018

MMKII said:
And do so while working around prompts given by a very ~~insane~~ thorough and meticulous reader base.

Thorough and meticulous. Thorough and meticulous, he says! Was it thorough and meticulous when --

[three minutes of ranting later]

Anyway, yes, thorough and meticulous. Let's go with that.

Immortal Lurker · Oct 15, 2018

Something interesting. there are ~30 active sealmasters in Leaf. Hazou, right now, all on his lonesome, represents 3.3% of leaf's entire seal output. If we can get him from five minutes a seal to one minute a seal, he leaps to ~16 percent.

For anyone who isn't an iron nerve user, this is dangerous well past the point of insanity.

For anyone who is an iron nerve user, it risks revealing the bloodline.

But.

We have Nara printers. Nara printers really seem like they should be able to mass produce seals. We've even been talking about how to make them do that.

We are the first iron nerve user in history who can just go nuts with their ability. People will examine our seals, find that they are absolutely identical, and assume that special printer that we visit every time we make a bunch of seals is doing all the work.

Remember, a life long iron nerve user first assumed that the works of a Nara printer were the result of the iron nerve. Everyone who hasn't encountered the iron nerve will assume the opposite.

Emstar · Oct 15, 2018

Immortal Lurker said:
Something interesting. there are ~30 active sealmasters in Leaf. Hazou, right now, all on his lonesome, represents 3.3% of leaf's entire seal output. If we can get him from five minutes a seal to one minute a seal, he leaps to ~16 percent.

I think this was shot already. Somewhere in between

"No way in hell"
and
"I don't want that."

Although, having Hazou dual wield brushes and work on things ambidextrously has not been thrown in the trash just yet, it may just take an absolute fuckton of practice.

Vecht · Oct 15, 2018

Immortal Lurker said:
Something interesting. there are ~30 active sealmasters in Leaf. Hazou, right now, all on his lonesome, represents 3.3% of leaf's entire seal output. If we can get him from five minutes a seal to one minute a seal, he leaps to ~16 percent.

For anyone who isn't an iron nerve user, this is dangerous well past the point of insanity.

For anyone who is an iron nerve user, it risks revealing the bloodline.

But.

We have Nara printers. Nara printers really seem like they should be able to mass produce seals. We've even been talking about how to make them do that.

We are the first iron nerve user in history who can just go nuts with their ability. People will examine our seals, find that they are absolutely identical, and assume that special printer that we visit every time we make a bunch of seals is doing all the work.

Remember, a life long iron nerve user first assumed that the works of a Nara printer were the result of the iron nerve. Everyone who hasn't encountered the iron nerve will assume the opposite.

It doesn't to me seem like other sealmasters would buy it (c.f. EJ's statements about complexity of calligraphy strokes), and would either investigate further or try printing seals themselves. Either case seems bad.

Cariyaga · Oct 15, 2018

Vecht said:
It doesn't to me seem like other sealmasters would buy it (c.f. EJ's statements about complexity of calligraphy strokes), and would either investigate further or try printing seals themselves. Either case seems bad.

They would not be allowed to print them. Printers are Nara-patented. We'd just be using the Nara to obfuscate what's actually happening.

Vecht · Oct 15, 2018

Cariyaga said:
They would not be allowed to print them. Printers are Nara-patented. We'd just be using the Nara to obfuscate what's actually happening.

Ehhh, maybe. But what about when someone else tries to make a printer?

TBH I don't think this problem needs a solution. If Hazou's productivity jumps up 50-500%, people will just assume it's Jiraiya and/or Kagome making the seals.

Immortal Lurker · Oct 15, 2018

Cariyaga said:
They would not be allowed to print them. Printers are Nara-patented. We'd just be using the Nara to obfuscate what's actually happening.

If this worked at all, we would pretend to have, or actually have, a secret super advanced Nara printer that we then modified ourselves.

Emstar · Oct 15, 2018

We should just conjure up a sealing apprentice Waifu who is ridiculously in love with explosives.

And us.

But maybe not as much as explosives.

bayesclef · Oct 15, 2018

Velorien said:
Unfortunately, that original version of the Pangolin Flash perished in the Great Grue Incident of 2017. The grue was drawn irresistibly to Pantokrator's Communion, and then the Flash's intermittent efforts at lighting up the dark only made it angry.

Speaking of Lighting Up the Dark, is it going to get updated anytime soon?

Inferno Vulpix · Oct 15, 2018

MMKII said:
We should just conjure up a sealing apprentice Waifu who is ridiculously in love with explosives.

And us.

But maybe not as much as explosives.

Not for waifus, but if we want an apprentice of our own:

Honoka is being taught math by Kagome, and respects him enough that if he ever ends talking about how great sealing is she might end up wanting to pursue it herself. While we shouldn't try to steal Kagome's student away from him, we could offer to help teach alongside him.
Shiori is the daughter of a sealmaster apparently. I'm sure we could approach her with the option to learn arcane cosmic power and totally won't trigger a whole new round of Shiori-brand perverted delusions.
I'm sure once we're Chuunin we'll get the option to teach a few classes in the academy, which we could potentially use to scout out students interested in warping the fabric of reality to their will with the brains to back that up.

If we really want a sealing waifu though:
[χ] Make a Summoning Contract with the Rift Denizens

Velorien · Oct 15, 2018

Inferno Vulpix said:
Shiori is the daughter of a sealmaster apparently. I'm sure we could approach her with the option to learn arcane cosmic power and totally won't trigger a whole new round of Shiori-brand perverted delusions.

Thank the Sage! And here I was so disappointed that I wouldn't get to play that game anymore.

Sentient Tree · Oct 15, 2018

Inferno Vulpix said:
If we really want a sealing waifu though:
[χ] Make a Summoning Contract with the Rift Denizens

[χ] Make a Summoning Contract with the Rift Denizens
-[χ] Ask Kagome "What could possibly go wrong?"
-[χ] Remind him we're doing this for a noble purpose, the acquisition of waifus.

ContextBot · Oct 15, 2018

*sigh*

[X] Hazou dreams of a beautiful Keiko looking girl with Akane's energy and sunny personality, surely such an Angel of a women can't exist.

It's Ami obviously.

Cariyaga · Oct 15, 2018

bayesclef said:
Speaking of Lighting Up the Dark, is it going to get updated anytime soon?

Hopefully it didn't get eaten by a grue.

PurposefulZephyr · Oct 15, 2018

ContextBot said:
*sigh*

[X] Hazou dreams of a beautiful Keiko looking girl with Akane's energy and sunny personality, surely such an Angel of a women can't exist.

It's Ami obviously.

One day, Hazou will try to court Ami in front of Keiko, while wearing a youthsuit, saying that he will "go pretty damn far for her".
All while holding a tray of OPSEC cookies. Said cookies would be covered in icing, writing various secrets we should never, ever allow to leak out (he'll give that to show how much he trusts her).

Emstar · Oct 15, 2018

Velorien said:
Thank the Sage! And here I was so disappointed that I wouldn't get to play that game anymore.

Inferno Vulpix said:
Not for waifus, but if we want an apprentice of our own:

Honoka is being taught math by Kagome, and respects him enough that if he ever ends talking about how great sealing is she might end up wanting to pursue it herself. While we shouldn't try to steal Kagome's student away from him, we could offer to help teach alongside him.

Shiori is the daughter of a sealmaster apparently. I'm sure we could approach her with the option to learn arcane cosmic power and totally won't trigger a whole new round of Shiori-brand perverted delusions.

I'm sure once we're Chuunin we'll get the option to teach a few classes in the academy, which we could potentially use to scout out students interested in warping the fabric of reality to their will with the brains to back that up.

If we really want a sealing waifu though:
[χ] Make a Summoning Contract with the Rift Denizens

Its like Christmas came early!

Velorien · Oct 15, 2018

bayesclef said:
Speaking of Lighting Up the Dark, is it going to get updated anytime soon?

The LUD rewrite is complete. I thought I'd run out of excuses to keep tormenting my readers, but fortunately, mere hours before completion, a certain individual who shall remain anonymous for their own safety swept in and offered to give it one final look-over. Publication is thus delayed indefinitely.

PurposefulZephyr said:
One day, Hazou will try to court Ami in front of Keiko, while wearing a youthsuit, saying that he will "go pretty damn far for her".
All while holding a tray of OPSEC cookies. Said cookies would be covered in icing, writing various secrets we should never, ever allow to leak out (he'll give that to show how much he trusts her).

And on that day, Hazō will earn all of the XP. All of it. We may have to transfer to a new system just so there is a higher XP limit for him to break.

(Stating this now because I know somebody will think of it: omake don't count. Nor do dream sequences.)

ContextBot · Oct 15, 2018

Velorien said:
And on that day, Hazō will earn all of the XP. All of it. We may have to transfer to a new system just so there is a higher XP limit for him to break.

Don't worry, the pro Ami faction is growing stronger.

Cariyaga · Oct 15, 2018

Velorien said:
The LUD rewrite is complete. I thought I'd run out of excuses to keep tormenting my readers, but fortunately, mere hours before completion, a certain individual who shall remain anonymous for their own safety swept in and offered to give it one final look-over. Publication is thus delayed indefinitely.

And on that day, Hazō will earn all of the XP. All of it. We may have to transfer to a new system just so there is a higher XP limit for him to break.

(Stating this now because I know somebody will think of it: omake don't count. Nor do dream sequences.)

Alright guys, we need to get Ami in on our Drama Club shenanigans, and do a Dramatic Reenaction of Team Uplift joining Konoha. Ami, of course, will stand in for Akane.

e: You should know by now not to question our creativity in earning XP, @Velorien. We're willing to go pretty damn far for it, after all.

Noumero · Oct 15, 2018

Velorien said:
And on that day, Hazō will earn all of the XP. All of it. We may have to transfer to a new system just so there is a higher XP limit for him to break.

Huh. So, the conditions are:

Hazou and Ami are in front of Keiko.
Hazou is "courting" Ami by saying that he "will go pretty damn far for her".
Hazou wears a youthsuit.
Hazou has a tray of cookies he calls "OPSEC cookies" with classified information written on them.
Hazou believes that he offers said cookies to Ami to show his trust.

That's... actually very doable. It doesn't specify that Keiko needs to actually hear Hazou, for example, just that she is "in front". Neither does it say how severe the classified information needs to be, or that Hazou's courting needs to be successful.

I suppose the commitment to give Hazou "all of the XP" on that day isn't very concrete either, but are you really sure you should have made it?

Emstar · Oct 15, 2018

Cariyaga said:
Alright guys, we need to get Ami in on our Drama Club shenanigans, and do a Dramatic Reenaction of Team Uplift joining Konoha. Ami, of course, will stand in for Akane.

e: You should know by now not to question our creativity in earning XP, @Velorien. We're willing to go pretty damn far for it, after all.

Incidentally we should take the next three days of not planning to work on this grant proposal

Cariyaga · Oct 15, 2018

Cariyaga said:
Alright guys, we need to get Ami in on our Drama Club shenanigans, and do a Dramatic Reenaction of Team Uplift joining Konoha. Ami, of course, will stand in for Akane.

e: You should know by now not to question our creativity in earning XP, @Velorien. We're willing to go pretty damn far for it, after all.

Ooh, and Keiko can be playing the role of Jiraiya and drag us away from our love for such a pernicious statement!

ContextBot · Oct 15, 2018

Cariyaga said:
Ooh, and Keiko can be playing the role of Jiraiya and drag us away from our love for such a pernicious statement!

That's OOC because Jiraiya would just do it because he thinks it's funny.

Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

The Shining One

The Shining One

Handsome Gentleperson

The Shining One

Handsome Gentleperson

The Shining One

Handsome Gentleperson

The Shining One

Handsome Gentleperson

Omit Needless Words

The Shining One

Handsome Gentleperson