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Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

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Noumero said:
I find myself strangely offended at the implication that one would not find reading the Necronomicon or an Elder Scroll a relaxing activity.
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Oh it is.

It is.

:)

Velorien said:
I would like to state for the record that none of the QMs have made or endorsed this assertion.

Edit: Also, based on your record of trying to get this book so far, it's almost certain that Tobikomi Jibura has a copy.

Edit 2: No, I am not officially confirming that he is an Akatsuki agent.
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Well that's good.

Well, if it IS an Elder Scroll, we can use this to our advantage somehow...
Omake is done, going to bbcode format now. Wish me luck friends...

I lied, gimme an hour.
 
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MMKII said:
cough cough

HANA: Son you are going to bed and I do not care how many times you say "But Moooom! The fate of the wooooorld is at stake!"

HAZOU: But, but!

HANA: No butts!

Hana executes a pressure point attack that leaves Hazou unconscious

FIFI: Mreow.
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HAZOU: I must learn shadow clone as soon as possible!

JIRAIYA: You can train without it, kid. You'll be fine.

HAZOU: But I still need to sleep! I could get an extra third of a day if I could sleep while a clone does all the work.

The sounds of Jiraiya snoring are faintly heard from the Hokage's bedroom.

Jiraiya clone winces.

JIRAIYA: Sometimes you scare me, kid.
 

Omake:A Thousand and One Sentences ​



He was snapped out of his stupor several seconds later by the realization that Mitarashi was now working on her belt, and that other people in the room were beginning to stir. The orgy was now in progress, despite his objections, and he had time for maybe a single sentence if he wanted to stop tonight from going down in history.

Hazō took a deep breath…

"Anko, please, put your shirt back on!" Hazō bellowed.

By the end of the last syllable, a wave of

WRONG ​

DOOM

STOP! ​

-swept throughout the room. The air froze over.

The entire room fell silent, save for a pair of footsteps echoing behind him. He couldn't move to look behind him.

A hand clamped down on his shoulder.

"Hazō sweetie, whats going on here?" the voice of his mother purred out, in Kurosawa Voice of Disapproval 8: You Have Fucked Up Big Time.

Hazō, having not heard that particular tone since he was caught playing with his mothers spare katana as a child, was able to stammer out a response.

"S-S-Stopping an orgy from happening, Momma."

"Ah. I see."

Mitarashi was still holding a mischievous grin on her face and fumbling with her belt, was ever eager to remark on the newcomers entrance.

"Well, if that's the kind of depravity -"

A hand extended.

The room plummeted to temperatures not possible outside of Snow.

Mitarashi stood ramrod straight, still as a statue, foxxy smirk melting into a neutral expression. Her cheeks began to turn an interesting shade of green.

A voice rang out.

"Cease. This. Lewdness . At once."

A pause. Consideration.

"Out, all of you. The party is over."

They complied.




He was snapped out of his stupor several seconds later by the realization that Mitarashi was now working on her belt, and that other people in the room were beginning to stir. The orgy was now in progress, despite his objections, and he had time for maybe a single sentence if he wanted to stop tonight from going down in history.

Hazō took a deep breath, mind racing. Jiraiya, ever so proficient at all aspects of the ninja arts, had given him a code phrase to use in case Anko had proven too rambunctious. It was now or never.

"I am the Cobra Commander!" Hazō bellowed.

Anko paused midway through her wardrobe change. Her grin had turned into a pout.

"Huh. Well, you just had to say so earlier." Anko complained.

She leaped up to the ceiling to grab her shirt, dressing herself on the way down. The rest of the crowd gave him puzzled looks, save Kurenai who looked absolutely mortified.

The silver-tongued devil of social maneuvering that he was, Hazō opened his mouth again.

"Um. Yeah. Sorry, but there really won't be an orgy. Ever. Never was one. I have literally no idea how that idea got spread around, or what could have possibly convinced you all that was the case. I am willing to accept that some roaming chaos monsters from the Out passed by, worked some of their invisible and ephemeral maliciousness, and carried on to bring vile misfortune upon someone else's heads for a change."

Anko pursed her lips, a sad and disappointed expression on her face.

"Okay, but you owe me some dango." she said, boosting her natural charm with the feared Puppy Eyes no Jutsu.

"...um. Alright, fair trade."

"Yay!"

Kurenai managed to recover her voice.

"How the hell do you know Anko's safe word?!" she shouted.

His mind reeled. Safeword? The code phrase? What in the Sage's snot does that mean? Most of the teenage bystanders echoed his confusion, the spell of awkwardness and depravity keeping them silent having been shattered.

"Safe word?"
​
"Whats a safe word?"

​
"Hazō is dating Anko!"
​
"A safe word?"​

"What!? Hazō is dating Anko!?"
​
"Holy shit!"​

It was all just too much. He made some hand seals.

"Hiding Like a Mole." he ground out.

Hazō vanished into the ground.



"Divine inspiration?" The concept was more than intriguing, but Hazō quickly remembered himself. "No, that's not the point. The Gōketsu Clan does not host orgies!"

"Oh, I getcha."

Hazō relaxed. Mitarashi continued talking, but he noticed the door slowly creaking open.

"Noble clans are all classy and shit," Mitarashi went on. "So this is what, a debauch? An adult revel? Ooh, maybe a bacchanalia?"

The door opened to reveal a smirking Hanabi, who sauntered into the room. A chorus of voices rang out at once.

"Hanabi, what are you doing —"

"I managed to convince father that—"

"What are you—"

"But enough talk... Have at you!"

Mitarashi reached to grasp the bottom of her shirt. Everything slowed down. A hundred voices thundered in unison through the corridors of his mind.



N̅O̦̭͍ͪ̇ͩ̽ͩ̓͟P̨͙̩̺̩ͥ͆̎́E̦N̨̈́̃͊̎͋͛Ở̯̣͛̏̿̎ͨ́P̷͔͉̝ͅE̟̙̣̙̤͢ͅN̗͉͔̳̭̞ͅÒ̺̹̗͉͉P̟͍̳̥͚̥͊E̜̼̮͚̬ͣ̋̚ͅN̝̗͙̹̼̒ͩ̉̚͘Ò̺̞͇͇̺ͬ̇̐̽̅P͎͙̤͔͘Ę̱̣̄̆N͉̜͍̖͔̎̐̄͊ͬ̄O̙̒̇̒̎̈̚Ṗ̶̖̼͖E̗̮͋̽̌̇̚N͚͍̩̳͚̜ͅO̥ͨ͆͑ͬͩP̥̓͗̊ͦ̑E̮̞̜̾ͤͧ̉̎̋ͧ!



Hazō did the thing.

His eyes flickered to Hanabi. The Byakugan taking away any concept of privacy and normalization was one thing, but her being present for this was quite another thing entirely.

Hazō kept doing the thing.

His eyes flickered to Hinata's eyes. In a godlike feat of communication never again repeated by the likes of mortal ken, a message was passed between the two.

This must not be allowed to come to pass.

Hazō was doing the thing.

He had time for maybe one sentence and a few quick actions before everything went to complete shit.His eyes flickered over to Lee. A mixed expression on his face, stuck halfway between confusion and surprise. It was a bit … unyouthful if he was being honest. Youth...

Lee.

Youth.


Lee.

Youth!


In that instant trapped between moments, a plan was formed.

Hazō had done the thing.

Hazō took a deep breath, feet racing underneath him, handseals blurring into motion.

"Lee there is a MOST UNYOUTHFUL momentaboutto happenassistHinata andmyselfinavertingthisgreattragedyPantakrator's Hammer!" he fired off.

Compel: Youth!
Lee accepts.

As Anko's shirt was over her head, he shot forward into the air with supernatural agility and tackled her mid-leap.

Simultaneously Hinata, her fist glowing with an ethereal tiger head, punched a massive crater in the wall opposite them.

"Kick us outside Lee! Out of the compound!"

"YOSH!"

"What the hell is going on!?"

Rock Lee blurred into motion, foot impacting Hazō 's back with the force of a small meteor.

Hazō receives the Moderate Consequence "Bruised Ribs" and the Mild Consequence "Back Out of Whack."


Hazō and Anko sail off over the compound wall, landing in the bushes opposite the compound.

It was a really soft landing, actually. Anko let out a squeal.

"Well kid, I didn't know you wanted to play it rough, but I can't really be complaining can I? My turn!"

Hazō screamed.

Sacrifices were made this night. The future was pain.

Back at the house

As Keiko and Jiraiya attempted to restrain Kagome from "Blowing up any stinking intruders!" Hana managed to inform everyone that the party was, in fact, over.

Hinata took her little sister's hand.

"Let's go, Hanabi."

"Oh. Sister, did I do something wrong? The party ended when I got back."

"No, Hanabi."

Past debts have been beyond paid for, Hazō.




Anko's hands grabbed the hem of her shirt.

Hazō took a sharp breath. Time for a quick lie.

"Anko, if you stop I'll give you Kakashi's cookie recipe!" Hazō bellowed.

Anko dropped her shirt. Her eyes widened in excitement.

"Really? I've been trying to get a hold of that for years!" she exclaimed. "How did you even manage to get it? He guards that shit like Clan Secrets!"

Perhaps not the best lie, he thought.

"Well, you see, they're called 'OPSEC' cookies, and—"

There was a crack, a boom, and before he could react Hazō was covered in the dusty remnants of the east wall. Two shapes dashed inside, belting out code words.

One, was a very tired Noburi.

The other, an unamused looking Kakashi.

"Go, kid." the masked scarecrow spat out.

Noburi ran up to the master bedroom.

Kakashi turned to the stunned crowd of teenagers, sensei, and a shocked Anko.

"Leaf is under attack. Battlestations. Go."

Action. Movement.

Hazō's brain was about to shut down.A billion thoughts ran through his head.

Well, there goes game night…

Where the hell were these two

We are under attack!

"Who? Who's attacking?"

Kakashi met his gaze, one eye a dark hazel, the other a spinning, blood-red Sharingan.

"Tell me kid… you read that Bingo Book of yours?"

"Yeah?"

The Copy Ninjas mouth hardened into a grim line.

"Do you know… the Muffin Man?"


His Sharingan —


g̩̍͌̿̔͑͒ͬ͐́l̺̗̜͎̙̝̒̽ȇ̼͖̤̮ͦ̾̏̊ͥ͆ͤ̍́͟ą̺̅͝m̹̜̫̺̒ͯͥͣ̐̌̈́͊͟͡e̷̜̹̙̜̳̖͈̐͂d͕̯̜͍̟͆̓̂͢—




Hazō woke up with a start, drenched in sweat, his tongue sticking like sandpaper to the roof of his mouth.

The nightmares weren't quite that vivid usually.

He got out of his bed, walking past the bookshelves filled with board games and random books. He rearranged some notes on his desk, putting the Proposed Casino Seal Variant design plan on top, and straightening out the rest of the chaotic mound of paper that decided to squat in his workspace. He grabbed a storage seal from his pack, which was set down on the floor underneath the framed sketch that Kagome sensei gave him for his birthday, those many moons ago. After unsealing a glass of cold water and chugging the contents, he put the empty glass down on the desk.

That was a hell of a weird nightmare.

There was a soft knock on his door, before it opened slightly, revealing a tired Jiraiya.

"Hey kid." the Toad Sage gently asked."Mind if I come in?"

Hazō shook his head, and threw himself back onto his bed.

Here it comes. The conversation where Jiraiya chews you out for this again. The point where all your mistakes are made blatantly obvious, again. Same old shit, just another day. Well, let's get on with it.

Jiraiya sat down on the edge of the bed. The two sat in silence for a bit. Jiraiya spoke up first.

"Nightmares, huh?"

Hazō answered with a nod.

"They get better. You may not believe it, but they do. Some things you just learn to live with."

Jiraiya stared ahead and Hazō stared at him. After a minute or so, Jiraiya turned to meet Hazō's gaze, a forlorn look in his eye.

"Sorry, that I chewed you out so hard earlier.About the orgy thing. It wasn't really your fault. It's not even really a big deal, not with my reputation… at least you got a bit of a show, I suppose." Jiraiya chuckled.

"It's okay." Hazō squeaked out. "It's just… there's a lot going on, and I'm trying to keep it together, but there's the Hat, and the Exams, and the Pangolins, and… and the breakup and then my Mom came, and then I tried so hard to make everything come out right, but it didn't. Again."

Silence.

"I've gotta be honest, kid, I'm really bad at this family thing." Jiraiya confessed. "I expect… I would have something to say if I had a dozen years of experience being in one, but I don't. Still, you're a brilliant kid. Don't dwell too much on your mistakes, it's not healthy, believe me I do it all the time. No good comes of it. Listen to advice, but don't always believe the critics." Jiraiya snorted. "Especially if the critic in question is me. You know what I have to say about critics, right?"

The corners of Hazō 's lips turned upwards of their own volition.

"Fuck 'em?"

Jiraiya laughed. Hazō joined him.

"Yeah, fuck 'em. Go get some sleep kid, you've got a lot on your plate this week."

Jiraiya left.

Hazō went back to sleep.


AN: So the last bit was pure Booze Control, but I put it in there for some reason. Guess I am a Hufflepuff.

>_>
<_<

Yep, a Hufflepuff.

Hope you enjoy!
 
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Velorien said:
As to canonisation, I'm prepared to meet you halfway and canonise one of the shorter scenes. The second should do nicely.
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Pffffffftttttt.

By the way, for those who might not have noticed:

Velorien said:
Out of interest, what do you think Hazō should have said, had he not been Compelled (and bearing in mind the one-sentence limitation)?
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E:

Velorien said:
Great omake indeed, though the final section is a bit of a hard tone shift which makes the omake's intended genre(?) unclear.
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Didn't quite have one. It was intended to be a bit all over the place. Originally, the last scene was supposed to be *me* waking up from this nightmare, last night before I was going to write the damn thing, but Last Minute Inspiration struck and so you got that instead.
 
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Kiba said:
Does Hazō even know the concept of a 'safe word'?
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Velorien said:
"Now," [Mari] continued, looking straight at a mortified Hazō, "sometimes making someone feel good might involve doing things to them that you'd normally only do to an enemy – like tying them up or forcing them to obey your orders. You might think consent is more complicated in those cases. It's not. We'll talk about safewords in a bit, but the long and the short of it is that if Keiko says no, that means no, and you stop asking. The flip side is that you never say no when you mean yes, or when you want to be convinced – once you start giving out mixed signals, you're well on the way to wrecking things for yourself and the entire rest of the female gender."
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(Emphasis mine.)
 
Velorien said:
On second thought, can't do that, sorry. It features Hazō using Hiding Like a Mole to go through an artificial floor, which is not something the technique can do.

Phew, close one. Nearly inadvertently gave the players what they wanted.
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LMAO

I actually originally had it as "Fuck it, drag Anko out to get dango." but decided I liked the imagery of Hazou sinking into the floor as an escape from all this insanity better.
 
Welp, time for Hazou to go beat his face against a jounin's fist again for six hours. Good stress relief, that.
 
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