Celena spun her deck of cards through the air like a Las Vegas dealer, cutting, flipping, and folding the deck before dealing four more cards out onto the table.
"Vagabonds. The card of your Problem is… the Full Moon." Celena revealed a shimmering white orb on the first card. "A sign of unrealized potential. Meaningful conflict, and an inadequate perspective. Modified by the Deadhorse."
"The what?" Jing-Jing asked.
"The Deadhorse. Sign of wisdom, strength and moral rigidity. And also, on occasion, literal dead horses. You seek a great and powerful foe, one of both physical and moral strength, to battle and become stronger in the doing."
Yes!" Tobe declared. "Truly your cards are as certain as Turtle's cookies!"
"Oh, er…" Celena said, somehow blushing through Tobe's face mask. "Thank you."
"This is really weird." Jumong noted.
"A-anyway! Past!" Celena said quickly, flipping over another card, this one showing an enthroned woman holding an odd, clock-shaped scepter. "The Queen, modified by the sign of the Pony Head. Personal power, strength and decisiveness, modified by the sign of mystery and desirability. You faced a great foe once, a heroic figure of stealth and power that you sought to battle and improve yourself against. But now that rival is gone, stolen away, yet you are stuck within the patterns of the past."
"Uh… I have no idea what you're talking about." Tobe insisted, his eyes darting back and forth and trying to avoid looking at themselves.
"Mmm hmm." Celena said thoughtfully. She flipped over the card of the Princess yet again. "This time the Princess is defined by the Tadpole, the sign of free spirits, the clever and the eccentric. When combined with the sign of a powerful female ally…" Celena trailed off for a moment and then slapped her head. "Ohhh, I hate it when this happens."
"What?"
"It's talking about your friend Janna and I. Sometimes the cards get confused on 'The Present', and literally talk about what is happening right now."
"Aw man." Tobe complained. "So I get no magical knowledge of my present?"
"I'm afraid so. The only other possible interpretation of this configuration would be that some sort of unreasonably powerful feminine figure is currently living with your former rival as the finale of some sort of amusing comedy of errors."
"AAAaaaagh!" Tobe broke down crying. "It's true, It's TrUUuuuhuhuhuuuuu! Garu… settled down! Now that he's with Pucca, he doesn't want to fight me anymore! I have no eternal rival! I am ruuuuuhuhuderlehehesssssss!"
The other five people watched awkwardly as two minds, one of them bawling his eyes out, fought for control of one body.
"Ne-need a minute?" Celena asked at last, face burning up from second-hand embarrassment.
"N-no!" Tobe declared. "I am strong. I am fine. I will become the greatest ninja, with or without Garu! Show me the path! Whatever it is, I can take it."
Celena flipped over Tobe's last card.
Everyone stared at it.
"True… Love?!?!?" Feldrake said incredulously.
"Well, uh… don't freak out." Celena said, freaking out. "True Love doesn't always mean True Love. It can represent a crossroads, a time of personal reflection! Yeah! And see, it's modified by the Warnicorn, sign of creativity, comparative intelligence, and… a… complex… love life."
Celena put Tobe's head in Tobe's hands again, this time with Tobe's full support.
"Ok, so the cards seem to be saying that to achieve true potential you need to find the love of your life."
"Noooooooooooooooooooooo!" Tobe screamed.
Jing-Jing stayed frozen stiff.
---
"All right." Celena said, brushing Tobe's self down and mentally preparing herself. "There is time for one last reading."
"Hold on, hold on. Only one?" Janna asked.
"Well, I suppose I could do something quick if you have a particularly burning question."
"A while ago, Doof said something about a 'Dream Queen' coming for someone. Apparently he heard that from a drug-addled coyote, so I'm… 50/50 on trusting it. But could you do a quick reading about that?"
"Very well." Celena replied. She cut the cards three times in five seconds, sent several of them flying through the air, snatched four of them, reshuffled, and then did the same thing again three more times.
"Hrm. Do the numbers '22-26' mean anything to you?"
"Neeeeope. Not a thing, why?"
"Well, the cards as I'm drawing them make no sense cosmologically except for their order in the Tarot, which gives the numbers 'twenty two to twenty six', over and over again. You're sure this has no significance to you?"
"That could be how high Binggure can count." Jumong said.
"Hey!"
"Then I am unsure." Celena responded. "Now, it is truly the final reading. This I will devote to your master."
"But you just did Tobe." Binggure said, confused.
"No, I mean the one who rules this land."
Janna snorted. "Look, I appreciate the guy, but you have to admit-"
"He may not hold the reigns of this land's body, but he has placed himself at its heart. Matters swirl around this… Doofenshmirtz. I will read the cards. Many threats assail him, but if I am right, the cards shall provide an answer to that dearest to my heart."
Celena laid four final cards down. "The Problem." she said, raising The Princess for a third and final time. "Your princess is not in her castle."
"We know that." Janna complained, but Celena held up Tobe's finger in response.
"The Past." She revealed a comet shooting through the sky. "A Shooting Star. And the sign of the Deadhorse. The Star usually represents nature, reflection and truth, but something is off. It rarely pairs with the Deadhorse, a sign of steadfastness, straightforwardness, and obedience to the rules. As I have said."
"Sounds like… Marco."
"The Shooting Star and Marco." Celena said. "Yes."
She drew the next card. The Rising Sun. "Gain. Success. Opportunities. New horizons. This is your Present. You have many chances, if you can find them, to tip the scales. Seek out what you wish to find. Search distant, far-off lands."
"And now the Path." Celena turned the final card. It revealed a pair of large, staring eyes on a blue face, set below a tall pink gem.
"The Master of the Book." Celena breathed out. "A great challenge. A sacrifice. Power. Danger. Grave consequences. Cold, harsh, unstoppable reality. The revelation of truth."
Celena gasped as she rolled the Aureole. "The sign of the Lion-Dragon. Strength. Certainty. Power. Domination. Hatred of limitations. Self-righteousness. Together… an ill omened combination."
Celena raised her voice. "The light you seek shall not be found. Though others might join and effort abound. Til' the demon stands where died her mate, against the world in reckless hate."
"Through hate she will inspire fear. This darkness comes- within one year. Though her plan will fail, the veil will lift; through truth, her people set adrift."
"With schemes unfurled, a different plan. A princess from another land. An ally of great strength she seeks. The payment? Hearts set on her cheeks."
"Eeeh." Feldrake said. "You had to mess up the grammar a couple times to get the rhyme scheme to work. Meter was good though. Eight outta ten."
Celena folded Tobe's arms. "You try improvising verse on the spot."
"Can I have my body back now, please?" Tobe asked.
"Oh! Oh right! I'm sorry. I… I've stayed too long, haven't I? I'm intruding, I've overstayed my welcome."
"Wait!" Janna yelled, then stopped as the outburst surprised even herself.
"This is… the best lead on my friends I've had in a long time. Can we ever… call you back?"
"...The ritual to summon a specific spirit from beyond death is grave and complex, even for one such as I, who knows the art and was in life close to magic. I'm… honestly shocked beyond belief these three managed to do it by total accident."
"But we can do it??" Janna asked urgently.
Celena thought for a moment and then nodded. Tobe's body bent down and whispered into the projector.
"Uh." Janna said. "That's not… the microphone is over there."
"Oh." Celena said. "I… I knew that."
She tried again.
"...and shake it every day for two weeks." She finished. "There, that is all. Farewell, seekers of the truth. I have provided great knowledge this day. Use it wiiiiisseeeellyyy."
The light slowly faded from Tobe's eyes. He blinked twice, then pulled down his face mask. Slowly fading from his cheeks were a pair of twin crescent moons.
---
Elsewhere, a spirit reflected on-
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygoddddd oh corn! 'I have provided great knowledge this day' I can't believe I said that. That was terrible! Uuuuuugh, and the microphoooone. Why am I so bad at this?"
---
You have gained cryptic warnings as to the future!
Certain future DCs have been reduced!
Certain random rolls have been altered!
'Summon Celena the Shy' Occult action unlocked!
