Jumong had just finished lighting the incense when an intern began rolling an old-fashioned CRT screen into the room.
"Uhh?" Binggure grunted as the screen came to a stop on the other end of the table. "What is that for?"
The screen flicked on, revealing an image of Janna's head in front of a steamy jungle. "Hey guys."
"Janna? You're… joining us from another continent?"
"Four ninja are going to try and do a reading for a mad scientist with my tarot cards." Janna replied. No way I'm gonna miss this."
"Where did you get these cards, anyway?" Jing-Jing asked. "They're not like any I've ever seen."
"Found 'em."
"Janna!" A squawky, self-important voice passed through the speakers as Janna moved the snarling, duck-headed staff of Feldrake into frame. "This is losing valuable time you could be spending helping me get my stuff! Are you sure these four know enough to hold a functional magic ritual?"
"Absolutely not."
"Oh good!" The unmoving carving didn't-smile. "Then maybe this will be worth watching."
"As leader," Tobe declared, picking up the deck, "I should draw the cards."
"But sir," Jumong protested, "Shouldn't I be the one to-"
"No! I am the leader. That means I will be the one to know the future." With that, Tobe began inexpertly shuffling.
"Wait a second…" Feldrake asked confusedly. "Why do you have four incense bowls? You need three."
"Oh, that's just my leftover rice bowl." Binggure explained. "I like leaving the chopsticks pointing up like incense sticks so they're easy to grab."
"You idiot! That causes curses!"
"It does?"
Jumong slaps his head. "Ohh, how could I forget???"
"And now." Tobe said, oblivious, "I shall choose the first card through my ancient ninja techniques of wisdom:"
Tobe took a deep breath.
"Eeny Meeny Miny Mo-"
"And what did you even put in them???" Feldrake continued.
Jing-Jing sniffs. "Smells like lemon, almond oil, and… marigolds?"
"What?!?!" Feldrake squawked.
Binggure blinked. "Jumong, I thought you said essential oils didn't work."
"I found the ingredients listed on the back of one of the cards. " Jumong explained. "It is supposed to give our ritual a spirit of truth."
"Yeah. It summons ghosts."
"Oh."
"You've messed it up completely." Feldrake said caustically. "Whatever you do, don't draw a-"
"This one!" Tobe declared, pulling forth a card with a disembodied unicorn's head, topped by a crown.
"What? The Princess?!?!? This card is stupid!" Tobe complained.
"That's not part of any arcana I know." Jumong said.
"What a terrible card!" Tobe scoffed. "Why would I ever draw thi-"
Light began pouring out of Tobe's eyes.
"Listen carefully, Janna." Feldrake whispered. "I'm about to teach you the spell to summon popcorn."
---
(There's no scene change, but you can imagine the 'cut to commercial' moment)
---
The blinding light in Tobe's eyes widened into vast ovals, flickering between a lilac purple and a vibrant gold. He blinked once, twice, and then-
An "Eep!" escaped Tobe's lips. A hand flew to his face mask and, upon finding it, seemed to relax slightly. Tobe's eyes darted around before landing on the folded fan hanging at Jing-Jing's side. Tobe's hand sprang out and snatched it up, unfolding it in a smooth, practiced motion to cover the lower half of his face.
Tobe's lips gave a relieved sigh. They then spoke in a soft, gentle voice that was definitely not Tobe's.
"Ah… hello?"
"...hi boss?" Binggure asked confusedly.
"Preeeety sure that's not your boss." Janna said, watching intently.
"What?!? Then who are you???" Jumong said.
"My name is of no importance." the voice that was not Tobe said slowly.
Feldrake didn't roll his metal, unmovable eyes. "Oh, here we go."
Tobe's mouth huffed. "Oh, fine then. You may call me…" Tobe's eyes roamed around the room before looking upwards. "Ceiling...a? Gaahh! No!"
Janna shrugged. "Celena works."
"Darn it."
"Uhh, excuse me?!?!" Tobe asked fairly frantically. "What is happening?!?!"
"Oh, you can still talk?" Celena replied through Tobe's mouth.
"Er… yes?"
"Oh, good." She said gently. "That means the chance of brain damage is almost negligible."
"Sooo." Janna asked. "What're you doing here, Ms. Spooky Ghost?"
"I smelled my… I mean, the ghost-summoning potion you used. I took a look around and well… I'll just say I approve of what you're doing."
"So you possessed me?!?!"
"Yes."
"Because you were happy?!?!"
Everyone else watched Tobe's body argue with itself.
"Because I saw what a horrible job you were about to do with this Mewberty Spread."
"Hey!" Tobe replied.
"Mewberty what?" Jumong asked.
"Like that thing Star did where she kidnapped half the school?"
Celena blinked. "Um… sure. The Mewberty Spread is a means of reading the Mewman Tarot to predict changes, obstacles, or problems in your future, as well as the means to solve them. It is one of the most useful simple divinations to perform, and you were about to ruin it."
"Oh yeah?" Jumong asked, offended. "And how would you know that?"
Well uh…" Celena muttered shyly. "I invented it."
"Woah, wait. If you're from Mewni, and you know a buttload about magic then… are you like, a past Queen of Mewni or something?"
Celena put Tobe's head in Tobe's hands. "Uuuuugh, what am I doing? I really don't know why people said I was good at keeping secrets."
As she pulled in Tobe's arm, Celena knocked over Binggure's leftover rice bowl. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" She said, staring down at the spilled bowl apologetically.
"Did you just apologize to rice?"
"...no."
Celena continued hiding behind Jing-Jing's fan.
"So uh…" Feldrake began awkwardly. "You said something about divinations?"
"Y-yes." Celena nodded, trying to shake off the jitters. "As a reward for helping my dec-uh… my some people I care about, I have decided to perform an advanced tarot reading for you."
"Advanced?"
"Yes. It includes an additional degree of interpretation based on astrological aureole signs. It's… it's only one extra level, but that's all I can manage on short notice."
"How many can you manage when prepared?"
"Oh, about thirteen? I once tried to divine myself divining myself divining the future in the future, but all I got was a headache."
Celena paled again as she realized everyone was looking at her. "S-so, um, are we ready to begin?"
"Hit it girl." Janna smirked.
"Eh why not." Feldrake agreed.
"I am still uncertain about this!" Tobe complained.
Celena spread Tobe's arms. Before her, an image of a six-armed girl flanked by pastel wings spread across the table. "Janna. I shall read your cards first, for what you have done. But I must warn you, the cards never tell the full truth, but neither do they shy away from it. The knowledge you find may be-"
"Yeah yeah, I played Truth or Punishment with Star's evil truth box at a slumber party like, two years ago. I'll be fine."
"You… you used the ancient and deadly Box of Truth as a party game?"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"Hmmm. Ancient and deadly you say?" Feldrake asked.
"Drawing now." Celena stated, shuffling the deck in a blink and pulling forth the first card. "The first card is the Problem. It represents a challenge you face, what issue is before you."
Celena placed down an image of an enthroned man with clover cheeks.
"The King. A sign of compassion, friendship, and healing, of acknowledging what others have done for you. In the place of the problem, it can signify social exhaustion, but more often, it shows a lack of these things… modified by the aureole of… what month is it in Mewni right now?"
"No idea dude."
"What's a Mewni?"
"Decembruary, I think?"
Celena shrugged Tobe's shoulders. Then she snapped his fingers, summoning and rolling a twelve-sided die.
"The sign of the Hydra." She explained. "A sign of skill and self-reliance, but also of falsehood and deceit."
Celena thought for a moment. "You have lost a friend that was dear to you. You seek to have her back. And yet even as you strive to stand alone to seek her, there are others who seek to help. You are lying to yourself, ignoring your own needs to satisfy a fear of powerlessness."
The room was conspicuously silent.
"Woah." Biggure said quietly.
"I did warn you."
"Pshh." Janna said nervously. "C'mon. I'm fine. I'm totally cool with working with others. Look, evil staff?" Janna suggested, waving Feldrake up and down.
"Hey watch it! I don't wanna know what happens if I barf as a spell focus."
"See? Totally cool relying on others."
"Hrm. We shall see."
Celena drew another card. "The next card symbolizes the Past; what has come before, the events leading to your dilemma." A madly smiling sun shone on the card. "The Rising Sun. Gain and success, but also the seizing of opportunities. Modified by… the pixie. Sign of socialization and love, but also insincerity and emptiness. You took a chance and seized a rare opportunity to join with others and find help, help that may yet give you a chance to achieve your goals. Yet you were not at first honest with them."
Celena quickly pulled another card before Janna had a chance to object. "The next card is the present; what is happening now."
The next card was a robed skeleton, with four eyes and an evil smile. "Death."
"Uh oh." Jumong said.
"No no, that's good. Death symbolizes change. A new beginning wrapped in an ending. Facing the future unafraid. Modified by… the Pig-Goat. A sign of hyperactivity, impulsiveness, rulebreaking, and stubbornness."
"Huh." Janna said thoughtfully. "Sounds like-"
"The one you seek was born under this sign." Celena confirmed. "What has come before is over, but a new beginning awaits. She is in your future. Now, all you must do is find the Path."
Celena drew a final card. "The Path is the way forward, the means by which you should accomplish your goal, the things that shall aid you."
Celena drew the very same card that Tobe had, of a crowned pink horse. "Ahh, the Princess, my favorite card. I like this one. It is my sign. Modified by the Demon, sign of Queen…oh." Celena trailed off.
"I don't like this card anymore."
Celena took a moment before continuing. "The Princess represents a feminine influence, a powerful ally, or one with advice. It could represent me, I suppose, but… the demon is a sign of those mischievous and dynamic, pleasure-seeking, unspeakably loyal but possessed of a ruinous pride. In such a case, the ally might be another. Some great force that, if found, would simplify your task immensely."
"Is that it?" Janna asked.
"The cards are vague and mysterious. You think this is bad? Be thankful I found a tarot configuration that left out the Happy Squirrel."
"Phew." Binggure said. "Well, it's over. I'm sure glad I didn't have to be subject to that sort of inquisition upon my internal world."
"Oh, you four are next."
"What?!" Tobe complained, restarting a two-way argument with a single mouth. "Why do I have to share cards with them?!?!"
"Well, uh. You four kind of strike me as a… package deal."
"That's fair." Jumong admitted.
"Are you ready then?" Celena asked, picking the four cards up from the table and sending them whirling back into the deck.
Phrasing indeed.
