I feel like I'm being gaslit here. We are the greatest seal master in the world. Sealing lets you research all the essie level tricks. You add those tricks on to Mari who has the stats and we are there. The problems are already solved
It does matter. Claiming to spend months learning a noncombat jutsu is different from proving it. She is the leader of a nation. She has completely different decisions to make based on different timelines of fixing the Great Seal. Her other husband is much more forthcoming.
Right now, with our Calligraphy? We'd die immediately.
(TN 70 means a Callig TN of 47, well above what we can hit with our 33 effective Calligraphy).
But let's assume we push Callig high enough to solve that. A TN 70 seal would have (by default) a Complexity of 70 as well, meaning we need to win 70 shifts on it to succeed. With the TN so close to our Sealing level, the best way to approach the task is with full prep days.
At Sealing 69 we have an AB of 7 which means we can prep for 7 days to get +14 to our roll. Ignoring fudge dice for simplicity, we'd get rolls of 69 + 14 = 83 against the TN of 70, winning us... I think 5 shifts per roll?
Anyways, each research cycle would be 7 days prep, 1 day infusion, 2 days rest, so overall 10 days per roll. To reach 70 Complexity with 5 shifts per roll we'd need to roll approximately 14 times across 140 days overall, somewhere between 4 and 5 months.
I'll spare you the details (I have a spreadsheet about this topic that I'm drawing from), but if we instead decided to try a TN 60 seal we'd take more like a month and a half to finish, and we'd be skipping the prep days in favour of getting more rolls done per week. A TN 50 seal could be done in under a month, and a TN 40 seal could be done in approximately two weeks.
Overall I'd say we're best off not doing projects at the limit of our ability right now, because our Sealing is going up so fast that in a hot minute we'll be able to do those projects in less than half the time anyways. But of course, that's a moot point when the main thing occupying our attention isn't any ordinary sealing project but the Minato seals which we very much want to research ASAP, even if they turn out to be challenging to research.
Slight quibble assuming the last training plan gets implemented we should have effective sealing 70 and effective calligraphy 37. That means that as long as we use max prep days we should be able to hit the calligraphy TN safely most of the time since our base roll will be a 53.
Hazō strongly suspected that Kei wasn't happy with him. On reflection, explicitly snubbing her in favour of Shikamaru when he needed help with a crisis might not have been the most tactful move, and he'd sensed that something was off about her behaviour when they last met at the Gōketsu (Shimura? Double Shimura?) compound. Still, she'd chosen not to raise the issue, and Hazō had decided to respect her choice with great relief. He was regretting it now, when he needed to consult her on a matter of great importance while his failure to consult her on the last one might still be at the top of her mind.
"Lord Hazō?"
Also, apparently her previous meeting had overrun.
"Sorry to interrupt you," Hazō told Kei Ruri as he took in the several empty cups, the plate of bare dango sticks, the completely unfamiliar-looking maps spread out across the table, and the stacks of notes on both sides.
"Not at all," Ruri said. "We were just finishing up. We can discuss the Kei investments at tonight's KEI meeting."
"Of course, Kei," Kei said. "Please give Lady Kei my regards."
"With pleasure, Lady Kei. Good day to you both."
"Ami has a lot to answer for," Hazō commented as he watched the Condor Summoner go.
"You do not know the half of it," Kei replied. "Like Mist, Leaf is already replete with Keikos, as well as a fair number of Keis, and a few are already rising through the KEI hierarchy. It is fortunate that I already possess Fujisawa as my adjutant, and thus need not consider, say, Umino Kei for the job. Nor am I spared even within my own household, which no one saw fit to warn me would come with its own Nara Kei—a sociable, affectionate Academy student who possesses countless virtues I lacked during my own childhood years and indeed still do.
"Not that you are blameless yourself, if Akane's reports are to be believed. Are there not already two infant Gōketsu Hazōs at the estate, as well as a Gōketsu Hazuki and a most unfortunate Gōketsu Hazuo?"
Hazō winced. "I didn't know about Hazuo. I'll direct more funding to the GED."
"See that you do," Kei said. "Unlike me, you have no excuses, since your name was coined by your mother and thus you are their parents' sole possible inspiration."
Her tone cooled.
"If you are here to consult Shikamaru, I am afraid he is presently napping, and interrupting a Nara's nap would be an act of naked aggression akin to stealing an Akimichi's food or tearing a Hagoromo's manuscript. If you wish, I can arrange an appointment before you leave."
"Actually," Hazō said, "I'm here to talk to you."
"Oh," Kei said with an unwarranted note of surprise. "In that case, I have a secure space prepared. Follow me."
Hazō hadn't actually said he was going to discuss anything OPSEC-sensitive. Technically, he was, but he'd already shared his necromancy plans with Kei and Shikamaru, and he never actually swore either of them to secrecy. For all he knew, the entire clan was aware of his efforts by now (especially since, his inner Kei added venomously, the Nara clan head actively sought the input of his clansmen when dealing with dangerous new ideas).
Still, one didn't turn down the opportunity to speak freely without fear of being executed just because one, say, accidentally proposed having Orochimaru overthrow the Hokage.
Kei's secure space of choice turned out to be the same deep underground room with the bookshelves and braziers that Shikamaru had escorted him to last time, though instead of placing a seal on the wall as Shikamaru had, she merely tapped some unseen panel on the underside of the desk (suggesting that she had been expecting him to come here, and thus deliberately prepared the seal where he couldn't accidentally download it). She also didn't light as many braziers as Shikamaru had.
"I want to start by saying I'm sorry, Kei," Hazō said as he took a seat. "I don't check in with you anywhere near enough, and I guess that's still true even though you warned me about it. I do want to get better, I promise."
"Indeed you do not," Kei said. "Hazō, I could have helped you. I would have dearly loved to help you. Instead, I am reduced to standing by, knowing that I might have been able to prevent or at least ameliorate a disaster that now threatens the safety of my loved ones, my home, and potentially civilisation itself, but for the fact that my brother chose to treat me as a liability."
"You weren't a liability, Kei," Hazō said. "I never said that. I just… I never expected it to get this far. I thought it would be a small, controlled test, and then I'd be free to loop you in later once I knew there was actually something worth telling you about. Then, when things went wrong, my only thought was damage control, and pretty much the only damage control option I had was limiting the number of people who knew."
"So naturally, you went directly to Shikamaru," Kei concluded.
"I thought he might be able to use his position as Asuma's advisor to persuade him to leave the whole thing be," Hazō said. "He has the kind of credibility with him that I don't think I ever will, and dealing with Asuma was my number one priority."
Kei sighed with a familiar expression of disappointment. "Hazō, I am Shikamaru's wife, second-in-command, and confidante. He and I have spent countless nights discussing the ways in which we might use our influence to steer the Hokage towards better long-term decisions and away from tempting but catastrophic ones, as the Nara have for as long as there have been Hokage to steer. If you had asked me, I would have informed you that this was not a card available to us yet this generation. But I suppose by then you had already decided not to trust me."
"Again," Hazō said, "I'm sorry. Maybe I should have asked you instead—though, as you say, it wouldn't have done any good anyway."
"You do not know that!" Kei snapped. "This is your problem in a nutshell, Hazō. You assumed that your original plan for the test was flawless, and so did not bother to consult the person whose duty it is to find flaws in your plans. You then decided that your ability to cope with the consequences of your failure was so great that seeking a second opinion from the uninitiated would be actively detrimental. You do not know what I could have done for you, before or after the disaster. You do not know what Snowflake, who shares all of my feelings on this matter, and whom you owe an entirely separate apology, could have done. We do not know, since we are operating almost entirely on inference and have taken pains not to acquire any information that would cost us plausible deniability, save that our aid could only have been an improvement on the present state of affairs.
"Even at the last moment, had you spoken to me instead of Shikamaru, is it truly so implausible that I could have optimised your presentation to at least increase the odds of keeping Akane safe?"
"I really don't know what you could have done," Hazō said. "I tried, but Asuma was utterly implacable, just as Shikamaru predicted. Besides, isn't the Frozen Skein weak with social situations?"
"I am not the Frozen Skein, Hazō," Kei said. "Pitiful though my social skills may be, I am of necessity a political figure just as you are, with my own limited Hokage-wrangling experience—and, more importantly, the opportunity to learn from Shikamaru's experience and training at same. At that time of day, I might even have been able to dispel and resummon Snowflake, and she would have forgiven me in light of the emergency.
"I cannot guess what you said to the Hokage, and for obvious reasons will not ask. I can tell you what Snowflake and I would have said, having spent altogether too much time contemplating and discussing the matter."
"Oh?"
Kei stared fixedly at an imaginary Asuma hovering ominously over Hazō's left shoulder.
"Sir, I wish to inform you that the recent phenomenon was caused by a Gōketsu Clan experiment. Unfortunately, the completely unexpected scale and destructiveness of the effect indicate that we were gravely mistaken in believing we understood the mechanisms involved. Having reviewed the data, it is my judgement as Leaf's leading weapons developer and unconventional warfare expert that further research could pose a danger to Leaf, its shinobi, and/or the Fire Country at large. As such, I have officially terminated it and marked all relevant materials classified. I would like to humbly apologise for conducting this experiment without coordination with the Tower, a mistake I will not make again, and I will of course provide whatever compensation you consider necessary for damage to Fire Country territory and its population."
Hazō took a few seconds to soak all of that in. Granted, it was unfair to compare the product of (more or less) two people's work over a fortnight to his frenzied efforts in the immediate aftermath of the event, but if he'd talked to Kei and she suggested something like this… would it have been more effective than Hazō's failed attempt? Nothing Kei had just said to the imaginary Asuma was a lie, or even really an exaggeration…
"But wait," Hazō said. "What about…"—he wasn't going to name Isan if Kei really thought the plausible deniability would help her—"…external proliferation? Asuma needing to know it could be replicated was the reason things went down like this to begin with."
"As a positive effect of this disaster," Kei said to the imaginary Asuma, "we have identified a capability in the hands of a non-Leaf faction which, with sufficient development, could trigger similar effects. We can expect that anyone who decides to research it will meet with equally disastrous results—indeed, worse, since as a sealmaster clan of the Kagome lineage, we pride ourselves on our extreme safety precautions. Thus, I believe it is incumbent on Leaf to ensure this capability does not proliferate, especially as Leaf is now likely to be blamed for any further incidents, with the only people capable of exonerating us bound to have perished during the experiment. The Gōketsu will, of course, provide all the information necessary to identify this capability and its users, and will assist in preventing its proliferation in whatever way the Tower deems appropriate."
It wasn't foolproof—on being told about Elemental Mastery, Asuma could still say, "Is that how the Gōketsu did it?", and then Hazō would be back on the defensive—but he had to admit that the amount of wriggle room offered by the two parts of Kei and Snowflake's speech in combination was well beyond Hazō's gambit of "For the greater good, please don't ask about this". The question remained: could he have protected Akane if Kei had offered some crude version of this at the time, and then he'd refined it with his own Mari-trained powers of misdirection? Could he have saved the world from Asuma's ambitions?
It would at least have been another option in a situation in which he'd felt he had none. Why hadn't Shikamaru tried to offer something like this?
"You're right," Hazō said. "My decisions impact too many people now, even just within the clan, and it's my ambition to be able to make decisions that impact everyone. I can't afford to keep leaving things to one person's judgement."
Technically, often it was one person plus a Mari sanity check, but Hazō wasn't stupid enough to say that here and now.
"This is why normal clans have councils of elders," Kei said. "Setting aside pathetic yet inevitable power struggles and other such historical reasons for the institution's formation, this is why anything has councils of anyone. I am what passes for a Gōketsu elder, much as it shames me to admit it. For the honour of the ancestors in the depths, Hazō, use me."
"I'm sorry," Hazō repeated. "I promise you I will do better. I know I have major blind spots. I don't check with Asuma before doing things either, I don't take adequate account of my social and political weaknesses or do enough to address them, and the same goes for my level of connection to this village in which I supposedly live. I feel like even Ami has deeper roots here in some ways, with her visible and invisible networks of connections. I know this is a blind spot too, and as my sister and one of the people who's helped me shape Uplift into what it is, you deserve better in ways that those other people and institutions don't. I hope that if there are other blind spots, you will help me find them and fix them."
Kei sat in silence for a little while. Eventually, a small, melancholy smile found its way onto her face.
"It is always like this, Hazō. You find some new way to hurt me, and then you apologise, and present some compelling argument that you have learned your lesson, and I forgive you until the next cycle. Nor can I complain, for you also forgive me my innumerable failures, and I cannot claim that my progress towards growing into a better person is anything but excruciatingly slow and, perhaps, invisible from the outside. Must it continue like this, unto all eternity?"
Hazō shook his head. "We do grow, Kei. I'm not the same man I was when I nearly put you in danger in Isan, or when I went over your head to talk to Ami in Mist, or when I… OK, nothing immediately springs to mind from the pre-Leaf era, but I'm sure there was a variety of stuff I've just blissfully forgotten."
"I shall spare you the itemised list on this occasion."
"I have nothing to fear from lists, Kei," Hazō said with a smirk. "Now if you throw another budget allocation table at me, then I might faint, and I doubt you're prepared to carry me back up all those stairs.
"More to the point, you grow too. I don't think you're the same woman you were when you undermined a dangerous mission because you couldn't make yourself work together with Mari, or when you ran away to the Seventh Path in the middle of the Chūnin Exams, or when you threatened to torture me so I had to leap out of a window to escape."
"You still hold a grudge over that?!" Kei exclaimed.
"It was freezing cold, and I'd already changed into my pyjamas, and there was a chakra fox prowling the area, and all I did was accidentally see what I'm now guessing was a gift from your secret girlfriend."
"I would not actually have tortured you, Hazō," Kei said. "In reality, I would have been at a loss had you stood your ground, since you are my superior in close combat, and besides, like any sensible young woman, I would have found the idea of laying hands on you in my bedroom at night abhorrent. In retrospect, my reaction may have been somewhat irrational."
"You think?"
For a few seconds, they simply stared at each other.
Kei broke first.
"On reflection, perhaps you are owed an apology. While I maintain that my privacy is essential, and may on occasion need to be protected with lethal force, and that your invasion of it at the time was shameless and unjustified, perhaps a more appropriate response in that specific instance would have been a stern lecture rather than immediately resorting to cruel and unusual punishment. You are correct, Hazō—I acted immaturely. I apologise."
…
Hazō was at a complete loss. He wasn't sure why—Kei was proving the very point he'd been in the middle of making—but somehow, that incident had always floated in sea of his unconscious as a reminder that however much he loved and trusted his sister, it could never be without an edge of wariness.
"I… uh… thank you, Kei. Apology accepted."
…
"Please do not misunderstand," Kei added to break the awkward silence. "Threats of lethal violence are an essential tool for handling recalcitrant younger siblings. This is a truth universally acknowledged in both Mist and Leaf, and I do not intend to deny it simply because I have wielded said tool inappropriately at one or more points in the past. I am simply… admitting that I was at fault in that specific incident, and perhaps making a commitment to be more judicious in my application of intimidation in the future."
"…and so things are back to normal," Hazō said, but with a lighter heart. "Still, you've changed. Quod erat demonstrandum."
Kei wrinkled her nose. "Please do not cite classical tongues at me. It reminds me unpleasantly of the Hagoromo."
"Good point. Shōmei owari?"
"Hazō, the Sage did not grant humanity the gift of universal language purely so you could spurn it for the sake of demonstrating your intelligence. Why, dare I ask, have you bothered memorising terms that, in the modern age, are used almost exclusively by scholars of mathematics and formal logic?"
"To shock Shikamaru next time he was acting intellectually superior, obviously," Hazō said. "It was Noburi's idea, and Kagome-sensei taught me a few expressions. It amazes me how many obscure random facts that man knows sometimes."
"Indeed," Kei said. "Yet at the same time, he can unexpectedly lack the most common knowledge. Would you believe the other day he professed surprise at the existence of domesticated chakra boars?"
Hazō blinked. "I mean… what did he think the upper classes used as beasts of burden?"
"Unfortunately," Kei said, "I was distracted by an urgent message from the Nara before I could investigate further."
Come to think of it, wasn't this a really irrelevant topic compared to what Hazō had come here to discuss? It wasn't like either of them had all day.
"Actually, Kei," Hazō said, "there was a sensitive issue that I was hoping to get the benefit of your insight on, or at least to keep you updated."
"Oh?" Kei sat up a little more straight.
"Our research into the afterlife rift continues," Hazō said. "We believe we're on the right track to getting a working portal. Technically, we even have a working seal, but it needs to be used from both sides at the same time, so we'd have to—"
"No."
"Kei, I didn't say—"
"Hazō," Kei said, no longer smiling, "if your plan involves committing suicide on anything less than a 100% chance of revival—no, even if it involves committing suicide on a 100% chance of revival, in your judgement which has just proven so stellar in terms of risk assessment—then I hereby veto it absolutely. While I recognise that it is not within my power to actually prevent you from committing suicide should you so desire, be aware as disincentive that if you do, I will impose consequences for you to suffer upon your hypothetical safe return, beginning with laws to eliminate the rights of those declared deceased and continuing to the full extent of Ami's creativity."
"I'm not going to commit suicide," Hazō insisted. "That would be insane. I know that if the seal doesn't work, or if seals don't work in the afterlife at all, or if I lose it in the process of getting back to the rift from wherever I end up, I might be trapped there until I'm forgotten, or whatever else is a danger to dead souls."
"I would ensure you were not forgotten," Kei said dismissively.
She froze.
"I mean, not that you should take this as incentive! I merely mean in the hypothetical where—no, Hazō, please forget I said anything and proceed to whatever less distressing topic you originally intended to introduce."
"Right," Hazō said. "The research is progressing. There's some great stuff in the Fourth's notes to do with chakra constructs which we think might be the key to a breakthrough. We just need to work our way through them until we find something, and let's just say it's not an exercise for the impatient, or some would say the sane."
"Then you are exactly half-qualified," Kei observed. "But Hazō, would this sealcrafting effort not be better used on the Great Seal, the source of an immediate existential threat which you are currently key to preventing? A fine comedy it will be if you cast open the gates to the afterlife, only to find that the Dragons have finally found a way to cross over to the Human Path, and can now take turns consuming you on both sides of the rift. Even if they are unable to do so, as I personally suspect, given the fact that even a summon boss cannot leave the Seventh Path without a summoning scroll's power, do we not owe the Seventh Path its salvation after all the harm we have wrought on it?"
"Two sharks, one spear," Hazō said. "Once we get Jiraiya, the world's greatest sealmaster, back, we'll make up for lost time and then some. I have thought this through, Kei."
"Have you?" Kei asked. "Even assuming you are correct in your belief that what lies on the other side of that rift is the Pure Land, which remains hypothesis, not fact, it is a greater leap still to believe that Jiraiya is still there after all this time, as opposed to having ceased to exist as a human being in favour of reincarnation on the next Path, or indeed having become one with the Will of Fire as he expected."
"He's there," Hazō said with as much confidence as he could gather. "I don't know how long for, which is another reason to hurry, but he's there and he's waiting for us even if he doesn't know it."
"How can you possibly know that?" Kei demanded. "The rift is closed, and you have no means of so much as guessing at what lies beyond that sea of acid."
Hazō hesitated, but only for a second.
"I saw him," he said. "You know how Orochimaru knocked me out with his jōnin aura once and I had a bunch of visions? I managed to replicate that with Mari's help, and I used a load of items with a spiritual connection to Jiraiya to try to reach him. I couldn't communicate with him or anything, and for some reason it seems like it was only a one-time deal, but I saw him training in the afterlife, and he used some technique that I don't remember ever seeing but Naruto recognised.
"I mean, it's possible that it was a fake vision and I really did see that technique before or hear about it from somewhere—I recognise that it was weird for a ritual I made up out of whole cloth to work so easily—but it seemed completely real, and I'm choosing to believe in it. He's there, Kei. He needs us."
"I…"
Kei stared at him in sheer shock, and it took him a moment to recognise it was the wrong kind of sheer shock.
"You never mentioned it. Naruto never mentioned it. Mari never mentioned it. Was I the only one not to know?"
Oh, hell.
Hazō had no immediate ideas for how to get out of this one.
"No," he said quickly. "It's just the people I listed, plus Noburi because we had to verify what I saw with the toads who knew Jiraiya. And maybe Ino, because Noburi suggested Naruto talk to her to help him decide whether to trust me, but I never checked to see if he did."
"Just everyone with a family bond with Jiraiya except me," Kei said, her voice dull. "And maybe Ino, in case I were to mistakenly believe it was an OPSEC issue."
Both hells, hot and cold.
Claim it wasn't a big deal? There was no way that would work. He'd get told either that of course it was or that it wasn't for him to judge what Kei considered a big deal.
Claim he didn't want more people than necessary to know? No, mentioning Ino had scuppered that (and not mentioning her would have been even worse if Kei ever decided to follow up on this with Naruto).
Claim he wanted to wait until it was verified? No, then he should have gone to her as soon as he decided he wasn't going to get any more information (in other words, once he gave up on trying to replicate the ritual, which was very quickly, since being aura-blasted by Mari over and over sounded like a great way to end up a quivering wreck or comatose).
Claim—
"I... I do not understand." Kei's voice trembled. "Did I fail to grieve correctly? Should I have cried as I did when my grandfather passed away? Is the anger I feel at Jiraiya's loss so inhuman that it comes across as apathy?"
"Kei, no, I—"
She was crying. She was crying and Hazō had no idea what to say.
"He promised us. He would come back... and build a family with us. He scared me... but he promised to protect us. To go beyond 'pretty damn far' for us. I did not think I could have a father again... but I tried. I tried to open my heart and believe. Then he broke his promise. Am I not allowed to be angry for that? Is my grief empty... because I cannot say I loved him? Because I took too long to reach out? Was I excluded for being too unfeeling?"
"No, not at all!" Hazō exclaimed. "I just didn't think of it, I swear. I didn't mean to exclude you; those particular people knowing is just how it fell together. I mean... Akane doesn't know. Or Kagome."
"He was Akane's hero. Not her parent. That was... our shared sin." Kei wiped her eyes ineffectually with her sleeve. "Please, Hazō. Go upstairs. I need... time to myself. I will try not to take long."
"Kei, I really—"
"Go!"
Hazō went.
-o-
Hazō couldn't think, on reflection, why he hadn't shared the information with Akane, Kagome, or Kei. Sure, it was uncertain, but if it had been Kei acquiring meaningful evidence that Jiraiya was still alive (by the standards of the afterlife), and choosing to withhold it from him because it didn't meet a self-determined standard of reliability... he'd probably have been furious. Had he assumed, on some level, that Kei's feelings about Jiraiya weren't particularly strong compared to his, and therefore she didn't automatically merit including in Jiraiya-related issues?
Well, it was another lesson learned too late. Now he just needed to figure out the least disastrous way to navigate this situation... and then how to have the same conversation with Akane. (Kagome-sensei, he suspected, would be too busy ranting about the madness of experimenting with transplanar spiritual projection rituals to have time for personal issues.)
"Hazō."
Hazō: Alertness 33 + 6 = 39 vs TN 30
Success.
A ninja without a sealmaster's attention to detail (or, in fact, the certain knowledge that Kei had been crying) would probably not have noticed the subtle makeup around her eyes that almost magically transformed her into an emotionally stable individual who was having a calm and productive day. It raised worrying questions about what other Kei-friendly forms of social manipulation Ami was teaching her.
"Kei, I am, once again, really sorry."
Kei beckoned him silently back down to the secure basement.
"On the contrary," she said. "If I have misled you into believing that Jiraiya's fate is not personally meaningful to me, that is no more than a product of my stunted capacity for emotional self-expression. It would be unreasonable to condemn you for placing me in the same category as Kagome when it comes to non-essential information about my stepfather."
Gah. It was rapidly becoming clear to Hazō that he wasn't going to get through this on his own strength alone. If ever there was a time for the S-rank non-elemental ninjutsu that was the Clear Communication Technique...
"I did not fail to inform you about the ritual as a deliberate choice," Hazō began. "My understanding of how you feel about Jiraiya's death and how you have been grieving is very limited, and now that I see that more clearly, I regret not making more of an effort to find out and be there for you. However, the reason I did not inform you about the ritual is that I simply did not make a connection between the two things. I suppose I did not think of seeing Jiraiya in terms of a connection with a lost loved one, since to me it was simply a source of additional data within the framework of a broader rescue plan, and it therefore didn't occur to me that it might possess that kind of emotional significance to you. I chose the people I involved on a purely pragmatic basis, and you were not one of them because your help was not specifically necessary... and even as those words are coming out of my mouth, I am realising that this is the same failure mode all over again, because for all I know, you could well have had lore from the Nara or another source which would have made the ritual more effective and/or mitigated dangers I don't even know about."
"I do not," Kei said, "but that is not to say that the Nara Library might not hold vast mountains of scrolls on the subject which I have simply never had cause to investigate.
"However, I accept your explanation. I am distressed at the repeated instances of my family—you especially, but also others such as, in this case, Mari, Naruto, Noburi, and possibly Ino—neglecting to involve me in important or dangerous endeavours. I am increasingly anxious that there may be many other such instances I am unaware of because it has not occurred to anyone to involve me, and that I will never even learn of them unless they are mentioned accidentally, as with the ritual, or appear within the public eye, as with the phenomenon. Such experiences lead me to feel fear that I am being excluded from my family, accidentally or deliberately, as well as guilt for failing to be physically present or more deeply involved with the lives of the Gōketsu, even as I know I do not possess the freedom to address this in any meaningful way."
Kei looked down, hesitant.
"This... Forgive me for breaking form, Hazō, but there is a more direct way to say this. I did not fully understand this until recently, nor can I claim sole credit. However, if... If you will permit me..."
Kei closed her eyes.
"With this, you have reached the core of who I am. I fail my family and am abandoned as a result. The oldest part of me is merely waiting for it to happen again. The rest either flails in mortal terror, making poor decisions all the while, or clings to morsels of temporary happiness as a feeble form of denial. Everything else is detail.
"My analysis is my way to contribute value and delay the inevitable. My bonds with the very few people who are Safe are my morsels of happiness, as are my escapist hobbies. My mortal terror... well, you have been a victim of my emotions running out of control more than any man living."
It made so much click into place.
"And Ami stands outside the system," Hazō concluded.
"Ami is holy," Kei confirmed. "She chose me when I was too young to have any value at all, and permitted me a connection which nobody else in all the world will ever possess. She has never abandoned me, not once, no matter how many times I failed her. She is the part of me which is always safe, even when all else crumbles."
"...Kei, I don't know what to say. Thank you for sharing this with me."
Kei opened her eyes, but did not look at Hazō. Silence reigned.
"That is, without doubt, the most embarrassing thing I have ever said, and I deeply regret saying it. Please wipe it from your mind immediately. Also, if any of it becomes known to anyone else through any agency on your part, I will change my mind about your suicide plan and assist you immediately, seal or no seal.
"Moving on with the greatest conceivable haste, I did not request that you leave the compound after the... impact of your latest revelation for the sole and exclusive reason that I appreciate that laying contingencies for the unmitigated disaster that is your rift project is more important than my hurt feelings. Please proceed with your original comments."
"Uh, right," Hazō said. "Sure. By the way, you mentioned the Pure Land earlier. What was up with that?"
"As I feared," Kei said. "Hazō, while I may be furious with Jiraiya for his betrayal, with a human complexity which I have apparently utterly failed to indicate despite in fact being human, I do not actually believe he belongs in Naraka—the hell reserved for the vilest sinners—as your choice of terminology has implied to Akane. Nor am I convinced by Shikamaru's Will of Fire thesis. Accordingly, I called in a favour from a KEI theologian, who spent some time in discussion with the Hagoromo. According to their allegedly Sage-given lore, the souls of the newly-deceased first travel to the so-called Pure or Purifying Land, a heaven of respite where they are cleansed of the mortal bonds and burdens that cannot follow them on the journey of transmigration. Only once this purification is complete do they move on to their next destination among the Six Paths. If the place beyond the rift is truly the afterlife, and if Jiraiya is truly to be found there with his original appearance and identity—both hypotheses dubious and loosely supported at best—then this Pure Land seems a more plausible candidate."
"That's good," Hazō said. "I'm sure it'll be a relief for Jiraiya to know he wasn't condemned to the hell reserved for the vilest sinners."
"He has still been denied the reward promised to every true Leaf shinobi," Kei observed. "It is a very special kind of pain, to serve a religion faithfully and then discover that one is unworthy of its reward. However, that is not our problem. We did not invent the Will of Fire, nor is it within our power to transmute the sham into reality."
"Right," Hazō said. "Honestly, I don't know how Leaf ninja can look at all the terrible things happening in the world—in fact, just in the Fire Country—and talk with a straight face about how the greatest power in the world is that of unity and protection. At least the ancestors in the depths are honest. They don't promise any more than an edge in the survival of the fittest as long as you live honourably, and to treat you after death in accordance with your deeds in life."
"In other words," Kei said, "you and I are destined for an eternity of torment once we join them in the Abyss. I wonder how that interacts with the Pure Land and the Six Paths."
"Best not to think about it," Hazō decided. "No, what I wanted to ask you about was what to prepare for in the real world. Things have changed—a lot—since I first discovered the rift and the idea of bringing back Jiraiya came into my mind. With success finally on the horizon, I think it's time I asked you what kind of issues I need to get ready for."
"What kind of issues?" Kei echoed. "Oh, how I have waited to deliver this rant, hoping for a time when there would be the tiniest chance you would listen, even as I prayed you would abandon your project and spare us all so it was never necessary. Hazō, there is not one single level other than the strictly personal on which resurrecting Jiraiya would not be a catastrophe far beyond your power to cope with.
"Allow me to first set aside the first and most obvious category of unknown unknowns with which I am less qualified to deal. Let us assume that the rift ever led to the afterlife, and will once more lead to the afterlife when reopened. Let us assume the other side does not contain monsters, powerful chakra beasts, inimical supernatural beings, or other threats of that order which could invade the Human Path. For that matter, we should include alien disease spirits against which we have no protective rituals, invasive plant or animal species that can alter the natural world on which we depend for our survival, and poisons which may spread from the island site by air or sea. Let us assume that the unprecedented act of manually wrenching a closed rift open does not harm the fabric of the Human Path or the afterlife in any way, and nor does forcibly stabilising that rift for an extended period of time—an element central to your research, I trust, since there is no guarantee that if the rift closes again with you on the other side, the same means will be efficacious in opening it a third time. Let us assume, finally, that Jiraiya is there, that it is possible to find him before he moves on despite a total lack of information on his location or the geography of the afterlife, that he is both able and willing to seek return, and that a deceased person will become alive again upon re-entering the Human Path (as opposed to, say, being forcibly returned to the Pure Land or having their soul disintegrate). Finally, let us assume that you encounter him and not, say, Captain Zabuza, or any other force that will compel you to surrender the rift's secrets so they may take control of their own and their allies' resurrection. In short, let us assume that the rift and the other side will function in exact accordance with your wishes and expectations, as matters in life ever do.
"This granted, allow me to treat the various types of failure mode as independent, although, of course, they will be simultaneous and the second-order effects of their interplay will be complex and staggering. First, for the Gōketsu. Jiraiya would, naturally, take control as clan lord. Your rule has been mixed, shall we say, while he is a veteran statesman with a decades-long record of success. He would not be so irresponsible as to leave his people's welfare in the hands of a junior, much less place his vast power directly under your control. You would naturally lose all the agency to which you have grown accustomed, your role reduced to advisory and executive after the fashion of Noburi or myself, and I may remind you that Jiraiya was not of Uplift. He was coming to express an interest in it, in terms of benefiting Leaf by better leveraging its civilians, but he was ultimately a man in his fifties who had spent his life in a Leaf prospering under the Third's stable, moderate regime. He did not propose or conduct any bold social experiments then, and the KEI is as much his legacy as anyone's, insofar as he did not lift a finger to save his clanless brethren, for all his power and influence. I have power now, Hazō, if complex and qualified, and it leads me to respect Jiraiya less and less as I come to comprehend just how much he could have accomplished with his and did not.
"Even as I acknowledge that Jiraiya displayed some openness to new ideas, the institution of till'n'fills being his finest hour, the fact remains that the Gōketsu's Uplift drive would attenuate by orders of magnitude were he to replace you as its autocratic leader.
"Let us take a step outwards. A fierce power struggle would naturally ensue over the Hokage's seat, Jiraiya only ever having taken it in order to rescue Naruto and doubtless ecstatic to be freed of the burden, and the Seventh seeing an opportunity to transfer a duty he never pursued and likely does not feel himself equal to onto the shoulders of a much more qualified superior.
"I imagine Jiraiya would emerge victorious, with his superior skill and vastly superior experience, as well as the existing precedent of the older Hokage stepping aside for the younger. I hope you did not possess any fantasies of a loyal Hokage in office. Beyond that, Jiraiya would certainly be a grand political asset, and your odds of execution would decrease considerably, but I suspect he would wish to avoid overshadowing his mentor's son's rule, so long as that rule remained to Leaf's benefit. To repeat the comparison, he did not rule from the shadows when his own apprentice became Hokage.
"Speaking of the Hokage... I hope you appreciate that your control of the rift would last only until the first expeditionary team encountered the first human. If the rift is proved as a potential source of 'new' Leaf shinobi, or shinobi willing to be recruited to Leaf's banner, it must be under the Hokage's direct control. If it is a potential source of hostile shinobi, Kage-level at worst, it must certainly be under the Hokage's direct control. If there are other parties with whom Leaf may negotiate for advantage in an unknown world, again, you are not the person to whose judgement such weighty matters should be entrusted. I assume that from that point, any exploration would be conducted by the most trusted, competent, and, of course, discreet shinobi available to the Hokage, while you would be expected to return to your own specialisations, such as research and development.
"Meanwhile, once the existence of the rift became known to the clan heads, as it would need to be with Jiraiya's return and the regular recruitment of their members for expeditions, there would be a competition of unprecedented ferocity over who should be rescued next—for obviously Leaf's expeditionary resources are limited, and traffic to and from the site needs to be limited also. Every clan head would demand that their fallen take priority, and exert the full extent of their influence to ensure that their parents and siblings, their heroes and their masters capable of expanding the clan's temporal power, come first. Or do you believe you are the only one willing to cross lines and embrace extremes to resurrect a loved one? Needless to say, I intend to participate fully in this competition, for Leaf's clanless deserve a second life no less than anyone else—arguably more, since their first lives would on average have been shorter and worse—while the Gōketsu would be all but irrelevant with no more prominent figures of their own to rescue. The damage to Leaf's unity and stability would be... honestly, beyond my power to estimate.
"Now, let us expand our scope again to consider events in the outside world as Leaf tears itself apart. It would be impractical, realistically unviable, and counter-productive for Leaf to attempt to conceal Jiraiya's return. Much of his value is as a diplomat and as a military deterrent. Nor would it be plausible to pretend he was alive from the beginning, between the survivors' testimonies, his absence during Leaf's recent crises, and the fact that there was no conceivable reason to keep his survival secret even from the Tower's own shinobi.
"As soon as Leaf's capability for resurrection was discovered, even if Leaf itself claimed it could not be replicated, it would be swarmed with spies and with demands for explanation. Every other nation would be terrified of Leaf resurrecting more Hokage, and rightly so, I regret to say. Do you believe the existence of the rift could be concealed for long, considering that Akatsuki were present when it first opened, that it would be the focus of the greatest political struggle in Leaf's history, and that it lies far closer to Mist than to Leaf?
"The AMITY nations would naturally demand that the rift be given into common keeping as Pain's seal was, and for the same reasons. I note in passing that this would technically place it under Ami's control, since it is she who administers AMITY matters not under the purview of any given member. Alas, I do not believe this final saving throw would ever be rolled, as no Hokage or potential Hokage we know would consider surrendering the rift. The possibility of it falling into enemy hands is an existential threat, and any hands may become enemy hands when they face the temptation of conquering the world with an inexhaustible supply of loyal demigods.
"I need not belabour the point from there. The most realistic scenario is that Akatsuki would claim the rift, formally on behalf of AMITY should they desire that fig leaf, and test if Leaf can defend it in the distant land of O'Uzu. They are already aware of it, and we only assume that they have not been researching it themselves. Once it is brought to their attention that it can be used to resurrect Pain, to whom they were fanatically, and, per your speculations, in some cases romantically devoted, no power on this Path will stop them. And if you are capable of finding and retrieving Jiraiya, they are certainly capable of finding and retrieving Pain.
"I trust I do not need to explain how a returned Pain, together with control of the rift, would leave the rest of humanity at their mercy. Among other considerations, I invite you to contemplate the image of Pain sacrificing himself to resurrect any Akatsuki members we are somehow able to defeat, then strolling blithely back out of the afterlife without assistance now that the rift is open and he knows the way.
"This is still arguably the best scenario, for Akatsuki claim world peace as their objective. The alternative is for AMITY to collapse, as pre-emptive elimination of a member state due to potential threat makes mockery of its very concept. That collapse, of course, would take the form of Leaf's destruction. Needless to say, the man with the ability to manipulate the rift would share its fate—destroyed if its new masters choose to destroy it, or enslaved if they wish it under their sole control—together with any associates who might have been inducted into the same secrets, or might be needed to provide leverage in the event of resistance.
"Accuse me of pessimism if you wish, but I cannot believe that, with the rift taken from Leaf by force, the remaining villages would come to a reasonable agreement as to its ownership and use. Ami could certainly arrange it, but even assuming she survived Leaf's destruction, with AMITY failed, I doubt she would possess the credibility and influence. No, I consider it much more likely that they would return to form, and war over this precious resource until it was either destroyed or claimed by a single definitive winner. There is little point in speculating beyond that, except to say that the kind of village that would successfully trample all others for the sake of power is unlikely to then use that power in an Uplift-friendly way.
"These are the key points which capture my imagination, Hazō. If you desire others, Shikamaru and I have a bulging folder. If I may be frank, your assertion that research is proceeding smoothly terrifies me. Still, you have come to me to seek advice, and therein lies a seed of hope that you will give these issues serious consideration, and refrain from triggering this possible apocalypse until you find solutions that satisfy you and, with my aid, polish them into solutions that satisfy Leaf's finest realists as well."
Hazō sat and stared at Kei mutely. Doom-pronouncing rants were nothing new for Kei, but it was hard to evaluate their validity, since generally he took her advice and didn't do the thing, and so the disasters she predicted had no chance to ensue. Terrible as he apparently was at seeking her advice when it mattered, he prided himself on his ability to accept it when he did, even when it was intensely critical and made him feel like an idiot. He also couldn't think, off the top of his head, of any instances where accepting it actually backfired (except in terms of lost opportunities where nothing would have gone wrong, a type of counterfactual it was difficult to assess).
So if she was right (and thinking of ways in which things could go wrong that he'd missed was her speciality), then maybe he'd placed Jiraiya—both his feelings for his stepfather and the instrumental value of having the most powerful man in the world at his side, ideologically sympathetic and owing him a life debt—on one side of the scale... and not actually placed anything on the other.
"I... I think I need to think some things over, Kei."
Kei's shoulders sagged subtly in relief. "I suspect that may be the best I can ask for at this moment in time. Please consult me as often as you wish, Hazō, as many times as you wish. I, too, would gladly see Jiraiya returned to us, if only so that he can be made to fulfil the responsibilities, to myself and others, that he so shamefully abandoned. But my desires are not relevant to the broader needs of the world, and if they are to be fulfilled, it is only incidentally, or in the gaps between. I do not ask you to embrace a worldview fashioned half of unchosen duty and half of a resilient perception of myself as worthless... only to think before you act."
"I probably shouldn't talk about this with Shikamaru yet, should I?" Hazō asked.
"Not if you wish to retain his respect when he asks about the aforesaid and you have nothing to offer him. If he asks me, I shall inform him that your latest progress report was positive but ambiguous, which it is to a layperson like myself, and that we discussed the matter of consequences and you promised to consider it further, which should be vague enough to satisfy my duty to both parties. Please do not betray my trust in this matter."
"I won't," Hazō promised. "Before I go, which I probably should because I have a Noburi to debrief about Toad stuff—which, I imagine, you don't want to keep me from either—I meant to ask you about the new estate. Do you want your own room, like before? Does Snowflake? Anyone else? This seems like a great opportunity to fit in all the things we were too much in a rush to do properly last time, and if you have any design preferences, I'll do my best to accommodate them."
"Of course I wish to have my own room, Hazō," Kei said, "though I am grateful that you asked. I… appreciate that I have not exactly been making regular use of the old one, and I daresay that my feelings towards Mari do not grow any warmer when I consider that she is likely the one who led you to feel that her own sanity checks were sufficient and rendered mine redundant… but both Snowflake and Tenten insist that I not set this future in stone, and since you are offering, it costs me little to respect their advice."
Hazō was torn. On the one hand, Mari had never said that, and having Kei believe it would only make things worse. On the other... it wasn't like she'd ever said, "I think X, but you should check with Kei as well in case she disagrees"—at least not in matters that didn't directly affect Kei, and sometimes even then.
On the third hand, Hazō and Kei had just reconciled, and Hazō couldn't bear to ruin that so quickly by reminding her that he was the one who kept neglecting to make her part of the process.
"I do not require an extravagant room," Kei mused. "Indeed, something cosy and secure might be preferable, as long as there is room for sufficient bookshelves and general shelf and wall space. A broad desk, as well. A flat ceiling would be mandatory. In fact, acceptable ceiling breadth, as well as a certain basic amount of exercise space—static exercises, nothing excessive—are arguments for a larger room, so perhaps it would be possible to strike a balance?
"A higher floor would be preferable to a lower one, as would a less frequented part of the house. Close to Akane, perhaps, if bedrooms must be in proximity. Yuno is also acceptable. Actually, no, perhaps not. If she dwells separately from Noburi, he might visit, and... enough said. I appreciate large windows, and if it is not too demanding, it would be ideal if they faced empty space—perhaps a natural environment if such is part of the estate as it was of previous ones—rather than an inner yard or another source of people and noise.
"Oh, come to think of it, it would be very satisfying to have a double bed all to myself, so—"
Kei went bright crimson.
"No, disregard that last requirement. I mean, no, do not disregard it... Just please ignore it completely while nevertheless acknowledging my desire for a double bed.
"In any case! I will consider the matter and inform you if any other issues arise. Snowflake will certainly desire a room of her own, and while I could describe her preferences to you, I believe it would be more respectful for you to inquire directly. Otherwise... Perhaps a guest room somewhere close by? The Nara main building possesses countless virtues, but privacy is not among them, and if I were to find time for—"
Kei was still crimson, so there was no visible change, but the squirming redoubled. "Do not misunderstand! It is not as if I have any specific use already in mind. I merely wished to leave potential for... for..."
"I get it, Kei." Hazō suppressed a smile. "Architecture isn't exactly my forte, but I'm pretty sure I can build with the best of them as long as I have detailed blueprints and enough stone—and stone will not be a problem as long as you like barrier-grade granite."
"If mere exposure is truly sufficient to generate affection," Kei replied, "you may consider barrier-grade granite to be the love of my life. Why, it is a wonder it is not part of the polycule already."
Hazō nodded. "A reinforced double bed, then."
"Hazō..." Kei growled.
"So how about that dinner I was planning to invite you to all along?" Hazō smoothly changed track. "I miss you, and so do the others. Why don't you and Snowflake come over sometime? You can bring the Snow Globe if you like"—Hazō had decided this wasn't the moment for the Kittensphere's debut—"and I'm sure we can figure out... logistics... if it would make you more comfortable."
"That title was rejected by majority vote," Kei said, "and any usage of it on Snowflake's part is in contravention of formal policy. Please do not encourage her. With that said, I greatly appreciate the invitation and will endeavour to rearrange my schedule so as to take advantage of it."
"Oh, no," Hazō said. "That was all me. I just like the sound of it. Why, what name did you settle on?"
"No consensus was reached," Kei admitted, "and we were eventually forced to resort to Shikamaru's unimaginative default option of 'the polycule'. There has been discussion of holding a new vote once Fujisawa feels more comfortable with the arrangement, which is to say that it occurred to Snowflake and I tentatively approve."
"Who is in the polycule these days?" Hazō asked. "It can get hard to keep track."
Kei gave him a cool look. "By which I take it you mean that the deaths of our last two girlfriends half a year ago failed to make an impact on your memory, as did the humiliation that was my attempt to introduce Fujisawa to the family."
Oops.
"Sorry," Hazō said. "I was being flippant. So it's currently Tenten, Shikamaru, Shiori, and Fujisawa, right?"
Kei winced. "Shiori is not part of the polycule."
"Oh, no. What happened? If you don't mind me asking, I mean."
"No, it is a reasonable question," Kei said. "I, too, once believed that, as our preposterous love square was clearly the work of kami overdosing on Icha Icha, it would linger without meaningful development for volume after volume until Jira- the author finally recalled its existence and scraped together some unsatisfying resolution so as to create room for a more interesting new plotline. I could not have imagined that... No, forgive me, Hazō. I have embarrassed myself as much as I can bear for one day. I shall narrate that sorry tale another time."
"Fair enough," Hazō said. "In that case, I think it's time for me to bow out. Enjoy your Kei discussions at the KEI meeting, Lady Kei."
"Enjoy your batrachian briefing, Hazuo."
-o-
"What're you up to, Noburi?"
Leaf's next rising star of medicine/ninjutsu/summoning looked up from the table over which he was poring over some scrolls by candlelight. Tonight, Noburi was studying in his room, which had been mercifully spared by the recent disaster. The sizeable axe blade-shaped dent in one of the barrier-grade granite walls was probably unrelated, and Hazō decided he didn't have the energy to poke his nose where it didn't belong.
"Just doing my homework," Noburi said. "Did you know Orochimaru once peeled all the skin off a missing-nin and then glued it back on inside out to see if it would keep its protective properties?"
Hazō shuddered. However, the sealmaster in him couldn't help asking, "Did it?"
"Not sure. She died before he got to the feet. This was back in the days when Orochimaru didn't just grab random people when he wanted to experiment on someone, so he never got around to trying again. Or rather, if he did, it's not in these notes.
"Anyway, there are some great insights about dermatological surgery buried in all that. I mean, imagine flaying someone so skilfully that they're still alive hours after you're done."
"I'd... really rather not, thanks." Hazō really, really hoped following in Orochimaru's mental footsteps wasn't going to turn Noburi evil. Was it too much to ask to have one member of his family who wasn't horrifically traumatised, morally worrying, dangerously unstable, or some combination of the above?
"Anyway, I wanted to thank you for saving the day during the sealing failure earlier," he said. "I didn't get a chance to say anything then, but I really appreciate you always having my back in a crisis."
Noburi grinned. "It's what I do. Still, I'd really rather I didn't have to, so try to go easy on the sealing failures, will you? Between this and the Naraka Storm, I'm suddenly a lot less comfortable living in a compound full of sealmasters."
"Duly noted," Hazō said, trying not to feel guilty about the fact that he was keeping one of the people he trusted most ignorant of a life-threatening danger to them all.
"How's stuff on the Seventh Path going?" he asked instead. "You were out for quite a while today."
"Sure was," Noburi said. "Count yourself lucky that I have the patience of a mountain hermit, because getting relevant factual details out of a pair of elderly sages reminiscing about the ancient past when they already disagree about whose turn it was to peel the grubs yesterday is like getting Captain Zabuza to give a missing-nin a medal."
"That actually happened, though," Hazō commented.
"Right, the Finals. And I managed to get a bunch of valuable info, so the comparison's just right."
"Good work, Noburi," Hazō said. "Hit me."
"All right," Noburi said. "So Shima and Fukasaku were really impressed with me for knowing the name 'Pasafutsu', which is kind of funny given I heard it from them to begin with. Apparently, only really old summons know that name, because he gave it up when he became the Pangolin Hierophant."
"What's one of those?"
"No idea," Noburi said. "Shima and Fukasaku were really vague, and then they argued about it for a while, and the upshot of it is that it's a weird Pangolin thing, and they only had one at a time, and Pasafutsu was the last of them.
"Here's the important part. A few hundred years ago— they didn't agree how many, so that's as good as it gets—the Pangolins had a massive population boom because of the Quarg, or possibly the Qworg, or maybe even the Quaag. I still don't quite get what one of those is, but apparently it's so culturally specific that the gestalt field just breaks down when it tries to translate it.
"Trouble is, you know how the Seventh Path gets chakra weather instead of chakra beasts? Actually, maybe you don't; I have no idea what it's like over in Dog lands. So the Seventh Path gets chakra weather, probably because they don't have a sun and the sky is crazy and pretty much every force that shapes Human Path weather is either missing or freaking weird, and it was worse back then than it is now. You can probably see where this is going. They had a weather disaster, and it completely screwed over their food supply because of mass insect extinction or whatever, and it's not like they could un-Quaag the Quaag when the pangopups were already running around. Nobody was going to trade them enough bugs to keep them from starving—most of the nearby clans didn't even eat bugs to begin with—so basically it was grab somebody else's land that hadn't been wrecked by the weather disaster or die.
"Oh, and nobody liked the Pangolins even then, because they were already all holier-than-thou, so obviously a couple of their neighbours decided to strike while the iron was hot. They didn't care that Pangolin territory was low on bugs. So all that kicked off the kind of massive war you rarely get on the Seventh Path unless stupid humans come along with their seals, and you had shifting alliances, and territory ownership bouncing back and forth, and legendary heroics and unforgivable atrocities and all that good stuff. Most of my afternoon was spent politely and diplomatically getting the two toads to shut up about it. Spoiler alert: the Pangolins survived, and also grabbed a big chunk of Hyena territory with help from their old allies the Condors because WTF, and that kept them going until things levelled out. At some point during all of that, the Hierophant vanished and the Pangolins got the Polemarch instead, but since neither of them had names, it's not clear if it was the same pangolin or not. Shima thinks yes and Fukasaku thinks no.
"Then after that—maybe a load of decades, maybe a couple of centuries; what the heck does 'a while' mean when you're older than the forest you live in?—there's a new Polemarch, and it's Pantsā of the Adamant Scales, who happens to be one of the great heroes from that war, and by that point the Pangolins are well on their way to being the clan of mini-Yaguras (or maybe mega-Yaguras, given how he wasn't that tall and some of them are ginormous) that we know and love.
"And if that sounds like messy storytelling with more gaps than the mouth of an elderly tiger with a chocolate addiction, then thank your lucky stars you're getting the edited Noburi version."
"So," Hazō concluded, "we still don't know what happened to the last Polemarch."
"No," Noburi said, "but we know more or less when it happened and we can kind of guess what triggered it. Getting a new leader with a new title in the middle of a war doesn't just happen by accident. The name thing is throwing me off, though, because now we don't know if the Hierophant just changed jobs or if there's an extra clan boss in the mix somewhere. I think we need to tap some non-Toad sources for this."
"You're right," Hazō said mischievously. "The Turtles are isolationist, but I bet they have long memories. You should go poke Hyūga and see what he can find out. The Gōketsu can owe him a favour."
"Well," Noburi said with emphatic reluctance, "if it's a clan head order, I guess I have no choice. I'll just have to go over there and hit him with all the amazing material I've been saving up for months."
"And get the info."
"And get the info," Noburi agreed. "But a man's got to have priorities in life."
Hazō's mind flashed to his vision of Jiraiya, fighting to hold on until a rescue he didn't know was coming, and to Kei's vision of a world shattered by his return.
"Yeah," Hazō said. "He does."
-o-
You have received (5 + 1 (Brevity)) x 3 + 1 (Fun-to-Write) = 19 XP.
-o-
The rest of the plan has been implemented, with the exception of talking to Akane, because it wasn't clear to me what you wanted to say with regard to WHOOSH, and the rest of the Noburi check-in because I am out of spoons.
You have taken a financial hit from paying compensation to various parties, but not a crippling one. The Tower does not levy excessive fines for sealing failure-induced damage, probably because it doesn't want to disincentivise sealing research.
Hazō has made massive progress on the second seal in the Fourth's seal chain. He thinks he's 2/3rds done, and could probably have already finished it if it weren't for his massive headache.
Kei. I love you. This not in doubt, never has been, and doesn't weaken even at the worst of times. But that doesn't mean that loving you isn't like performing auto-surgery with no painkillers, however worth it it is.
A lot of those doom scenarios could be avoided if the necromancy Seal was more than just a "open the rift again" Seal.
For one thing, we should probably make sure it can close the rift. And ideally we would want to figure out how to open a New Rift a lot nearer to Leaf.
I will keep thinking about the other problems, but I will point out that most of them vanish pretty quickly if we manage to spread a complete lie about how we did it.
"I... I do not understand." Kei's voice trembled. "Did I fail to grieve correctly? Should I have cried as I did when my grandfather passed away? Is the anger I feel at Jiraiya's loss so inhuman that it comes across as apathy?"
"Kei, no, I—"
She was crying. She was crying and Hazō had no idea what to say.
Mari: wait, wasn't it Snowflake who said that?
Hazō: if you keep interrupting me to say things like that I will stop telling you about important meetings
Mari: aw, but it's what I do
He did that, too?
Language was invented for one reason - to woo women. And in that endeavour, speaking the wrong language will not do. It also won't do in talking with your sister.
Once it is brought to their attention that it can be used to resurrect Pain, to whom they were fanatically, and, per your speculations, in some cases romantically devoted
I invite you to contemplate the image of Pain sacrificing himself to resurrect any Akatsuki members we are somehow able to defeat, then strolling blithely back out of the afterlife without assistance now that the rift is open and he knows the way.
Hazō: so I remembered my first meeting with your father - sorry that he's dead by the way, but this is why we need to use the rift -
Shikamaru: *inhales deeply*
Hazō: and so I thought: what MUST we have in case we invent something strong? Countermeasures. A counter. A parry and if possible a riposte. So I also made a seal that actually annihilates people's souls so they can never be brought back-
Shikamaru: you what
Hazō: and another that erases someone from people's memories instantly, so they are fast-tracked past the Pure Land,
Shikamaru: "Disguise yourself as a Leaf genin, Zabuza," they said. "Things will be so much easier after a few years as a clan kid," they said. Fucking hell. *takes off mask, cuts Hazō in two*
my feelings towards Mari do not grow any warmer when I consider that she is likely the one who led you to feel that her own sanity checks were sufficient and rendered mine redundant
"Who is in the polycule these days?" Hazō asked. "It can get hard to keep track."
Kei gave him a cool look. "By which I take it you mean that the deaths of our last two girlfriends half a year ago failed to make an impact on your memory, as did the humiliation that was my attempt to introduce Fujisawa to the family."
Well at least she's not angry about the rude thing he said, just about the rude thing that it could also be taken to mean considering that was kind of important
Good choice of vocabulary by Noburi, as "flensing" sounds similar but actually doesn't stop at the skin - wait, I crossed the streams. I think I'm not supposed to be doing that.
Was it too much to ask to have one member of his family who wasn't horrifically traumatised, morally worrying, dangerously unstable, or some combination of the above?
"Count yourself lucky that I have the patience of a mountain hermit, because getting relevant factual details out of a pair of elderly sages reminiscing about the ancient past when they already disagree about whose turn it was to peel the grubs yesterday is like getting Captain Zabuza to give a missing-nin a medal."
Mari: wait, wasn't it Snowflake who said that?
Hazō: if you keep interrupting me to say things like that I will stop telling you about important meetings
Mari: aw, but it's what I do
Really? (genuine)
Really? (sarcastic)
He did that, too?
Language was invented for one reason - to woo women. And in that endeavour, speaking the wrong language will not do. It also won't do in talking with your sister.
Snark 100
Hmm... no, Project: Omnifamily does not roll off the tongue
IT WAS ALWAYS BURNING SINCE THE WORLD WAS TURNING
YET.
Jiraiya was Zabuza in a disguise all along, get on with the news Kei 🙄
Hazō: and they were roommates
Noburi: oh my sage they were roommates
Who could help seal the Dragons. Priorities, everyone.
That was our suicide plan >=(
[X] Hidden Heaven: do that
Hazō: so I remembered my first meeting with your father - sorry that he's dead by the way, but this is why we need to use the rift -
Shikamaru: *inhales deeply*
Hazō: and so I thought: what MUST we have in case we invent something strong? Countermeasures. A counter. A parry and if possible a riposte. So I also made a seal that actually annihilates people's souls so they can never be brought back-
Shikamaru: you what
Hazō: and another that erases someone from people's memories instantly, so they are fast-tracked past the Pure Land,
Shikamaru: "Disguise yourself as a Leaf genin, Zabuza," they said. "Things will be so much easier after a few years as a clan kid," they said. Fucking hell. *takes off mask, cuts Hazō in two*
Okay so, we have an NPC to blame for our own actions. Why does this feel even worse?
SEAL FAILURE AAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEE
Eeeeeeeeeee... Project advancing!!!!!
Hazō, there are things best left unsaid. Also, you're the one fondling granite balls, so mayb- OOH, NOT LIKE THAT, GOT IT
Good man. He already knows there eventually will only be one
Well at least she's not angry about the rude thing he said, just about the rude thing that it could also be taken to mean considering that was kind of important
*allocates more funding to the GED*
Good choice of vocabulary by Noburi, as "flensing" sounds similar but actually doesn't stop at the skin - wait, I crossed the streams. I think I'm not supposed to be doing that.
<Insert jōnin joke> (jōke?)
Heh. Well played. We see what you did there.
Oh Hazō, you walked into that one with the song of innocence resting on your lip
And punched him
Don't know what you mean, we've always been at war with Eastasia?
"Here's the important part. A few hundred years ago— they didn't agree how many, so that's as good as it gets—the Pangolins had a massive population boom because of the Quarg, or possibly the Qworg, or maybe even the Quaag. I still don't quite get what one of those is, but apparently it's so culturally specific that the gestalt field just breaks down when it tries to translate it.
"So anyway, is it true that humans only reach sexual maturity a quarter of the way into your maximum lifespan? And that you think having no scent makes you more attractive? And that you only have five elements? And you can use the gestalt field without basic training? Oh, and my master told me you burn people's bodies when they die, without keeping any body parts, but he was just knotting my tongue, right?"
I've been wondering on and off for years what he was talking about, and now I think we have an answer. But at the same time, we know that Rock speaks a dialect called Lithic, distinct from regular Elemental Nations-ese. It could be that dialects like that are as far as the gestalt field allows human language to stretch.
(Also I'd bet the Clan telepathy is just them taking more active control of the gestalt field to communicate words despite not having the mouthparts to make them. Or something along those lines)
"Now, let us expand our scope again to consider events in the outside world as Leaf tears itself apart. It would be impractical, realistically unviable, and counter-productive for Leaf to attempt to conceal Jiraiya's return. Much of his value is as a diplomat and as a military deterrent.
Be that as it may, we hold all the cards until we choose to forfeit them. Would it be treason to fail to report the resurrection of Jiraiya to Asuma if it's on the orders of Lord Fifth? Get him out of the Pure Lands first, then confer with him to decide whether it's safe for him to return to Leaf. If it isn't, Jiraiya can simply stay at O'Uzu and guard the portal, or disguise himself among the civilian populations of the world, or go on an expedition across the sea while we put the other ducks in a row.
And by ducks I might mean Hokages. Maybe. Having the likes of Hashirama and Minato on our side when we finally go public with the resurrection would make for some fantastic deterrence: a fait accompli of sorts, Leaf is already too powerful to be stopped, and a well-prepared AMITY meeting convinces the rest of the nations it's in their best interests to go along with what Leaf's saying and get their own heroes back in a controlled manner, etc.
Or maybe not. It's an option to explore, especially once we get closer to our goal and the number of unknowns starts decreasing.
Hmmmm, if we could meet Pein on the other side, we could have a chat with him while he's relatively harmless. Deliver a message from him to the rest of Akatsuki, basically let us go 'hey we found Pein and I'm willing to resurrect him but I want to do this right so the world doesn't die please cooperate thx'.
Brainstorming phase. Might be a stupid idea, still statistically valuable to explore all our options.
Every night, I can feel my leg… and my arm… even my fingers. The body I've lost… the comrades I've lost… won't stop hurting… It's like they're all still there. You feel it, too, don't you?
Kei: explains every permutation for how things can go horribly wrong
Hazo: ... wow Kei, I never thought of any of that, it shames me to say.
Kei, relieved: I'm glad I could be of assistance, Hazo, meager as it is.
Hazo, to himself, as he leaves sanity-checking proximity: I should bring back Nagato first. God. What an idiot. Why didn't I think of that?
And by ducks I might mean Hokages. Maybe. Having the likes of Hashirama and Minato on our side when we finally go public with the resurrection would make for some fantastic deterrence: a fait accompli of sorts, Leaf is already too powerful to be stopped, and a well-prepared AMITY meeting convinces the rest of the nations it's in their best interests to go along with what Leaf's saying and get their own heroes back in a controlled manner, etc.
Assuming that they're on board with listening to Hazo, instead of just adding three more cooks trying to use the same oven. Everyone seems to be making the assumption that a) Minato and Hashirama are still there instead of having moved on and b) that they'll just... go with whatever Hazo wants. Like, we just had a 'other people have feelings and agency' update, can we last a bit longer than a day before forgetting it?
The sad thing is that Hazou has cut Kei in and included her in virtually everything while she has constantly pushed away. Her trauma made her abandon us
a) that is literally the bare minimum when it comes to family and b) she has not done so in a pretty considerable amount of time, and given that you consider all this 'pointless Kei drama' I'm not sure your analysis of her actions is without bias.
