Eisenhelm
gran dutch of douchery
- Location
- Colombia
Hazou: "soooo, has anyone else called dibs?"
Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard open voting
- Location
- Yes.
:Orochimarusmile:
- Location
- Liverpool
HAZOU:
On a related note/from the same chapter:
And
Both aged REALLY poorly 😅
Or, well from a QM flow perspective. Poorly for us.
Really baiting the thread hard on this one, I see. Also, I feel all 3 members of the current polycule would probably explode/melt if Hazou went for it.
Yeah, exactly that. So proud of Hazou for being reasonable here.
I think Mari appearing would have creating different, new problems. I'm very curious if there was an actual saving throw now. And poor Akane. She was on the right track and everything.
No Mari, bad. But huh. I ALMOST want to cause a Grue/retcon by virtue of Kei's Snowglobe expanding enough that the pool is now full of uniquely weird young women.
Also relevant in the earlier chapter I quoted above. I'm trying to imagine what a Mari-led Goketsu looks like. And it's... Really down to whichever Mari picked her up at the right time for her to be in charge. Clan Head Mari could have a lot of influences.
Almost used her first name? D'awww. I'm happy for him.
Poor Shin. But also, you're (read: we're) the one who dropped the ball on a 'rivalry' with Ami. But perhaps another would be good for us as well.
Absolutely not true, but Mari does not think in that way, so it's consistent characterization. But ciphers and conversation are very similar. CCnJ is literally just using a code-breaking key with a trusted party.
Hmm. I might put this before Project Necromancy, since early spin-off tech to prevent senility could prove vital to get us to Project Necromancy if things go poorly.
Hazou in that moment:
Oof. That's really rough. Kei's really been going through it as well. As has everyone. A good showing (plus the Ino bit above) how rough the war has been and how lucky we've been, to exactly one degree of separation.
Are we reading an Omnikage Kei Omake? No? Shame, that would have been a perfect lead-in.
IT'S HAPPENING?!?!?!????476!!??!
Narrator: It was not, in fact, happening.
Don't love that flippant attitude towards sealing failures, but I'm happy to see them catching up and being supportive of each other.
Chapter 513: First Summoning
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
"Hi!" Cantelabra said, bouncing so that both front legs pogoed. "You must be Kagoo, Hazō's sanshee!"
Hazō cleared his throat, desperately trying not to either laugh or wince. "It's Kagome-sensei," he corrected. "His name is Kagome and he is my sensei, which means 'respected mentor.'"
"Really," Cantelabra said, cocking his head in thought. "I thought it was 'Kagoo, me senshee'?"
"Nope."
Fortunately, Kagome-sensei looked amused. He squatted down, then sat crosslegged and held a hand out to the tiny Golden Retriever pup. Cantelabra, for his part, cheered while still in midair as he bounded into Kagome-sensei's lap and wiggled frenetically before floomping on his side. Kagome-sensei smiled and petted the pupper slowly.
"Not to be a buzzkill," Mari said, laughter nearly bubbling up to to surface, "but we need to get this show on the road."
"Give it a minute," Noburi said, elbowing her in the side. "How often do we get nice moments these days?"
"Define 'nice'?" Mari said, her wicked smile giving away the subtext. "Because I had a very nice moment last night. Several nice moments, actually, in quick succession. Turns out that—"
"Lalalala!" Noburi said, clapping his hands over his ears. "Can't hear you! Puppies are cute!"
Whether at the adorableness of Cantelabra or Noburi's antics, Akane's smile was peeking out from behind the lines of sadness and care that had worn their way into her face since her mission to capture Shirogane. The sight of it was a concentrated shot of relief running through Hazō's veins. He captured her right hand in his left and stroked his thumb across hers. She glanced over and smiled slightly wider for a moment, squeezing his hand in reassurance.
Kagome-sensei scritched Cantelabra behind the ears and then set him firmly back on the grass and stood up. The little pup whined grumpily but plopped his butt down and looked attentively back and forth between his own Summoner and the soon-to-be Arachnid Summoner.
"Do not be concerned, Kagome," Kei said. "Your seal training and organized mind make you well suited for managing the trip between Paths smoothly."
Kagome-sensei seemed unconvinced, but he nodded his thanks. "Let's do this," he said firmly.
He walked, head up and steps confident, to the granite pillar on which waited the Arachnid Summoning Scroll. The pillar was the same one that Noburi and Hazō had used and was becoming a Gōketsu tradition that Hazō (very silently and never stated aloud for fear of political fallout) fully intended to keep using. Akane had been repeatedly promised a contract, Mari could make amazing use of one, and the rest of the clan deserved their own shot.
"Remember," Hazō said, "you're going to get an arachnid but it's not completely certain which one. Many of them look scary and they talk strangely from our perspective."
"I know, I know," Kagome-sensei grumbled. "Be polite, don't call them stinkers or ask why they talk weird or threaten them and definitely don't blow them up. And they're going to have to touch me in order to carry me back."
"Right. I've spoken to Kumokōgō and tried to smooth the way as much as possible. This is largely a formality, but it's an important one. She knows that we need your help with the Great Seal and she's not going to refuse you unless something goes catastrophically wrong, but we want you to make a good impression so that she's happy to keep you on as Summoner after the Seal is dealt with."
"I know," Kagome-sensei grumbled again. "Hush up and let me sign this thing so I can go meet the giant spider lady."
"Okay, but you might not get a spider as your initial point of contact," Hazō reminded him. "You might get a scorpion, or a mite."
"I might get a mite, I might?" Kagome-sensei said, lips quirked in a smile. "Whatever, let's do it." He slashed a knife across the side of his arm ("Why do you dumbbutts keep cutting your palms? Lots of tendons and stuff in there!"), dipped his fingers in the blood, and signed his name at the bottom of the Arachnid Scroll in the neat and unshaking handwriting of a sealmaster.
POOF!
A massive pillar of yellow smoke erupted from the ground, blanketing the area. It condensed, whirling and spinning, into a wobbly tornado twice Hazō's height. Sparks leaped out in all directions, arcing to and fro as a whining hiss cranked up through the range of human hearing, growing steadily louder until cutting off with a knife-sharp edge as the tornado exploded outwards into puffs of smoke that rapidly disappeared to reveal—
An upside-down soup dish with a tail spike.
There was no other way to describe it. It was a soup dish, perhaps a foot across, that someone had turned upside down and stuck a triangular spike on the back of. It was made of a brown chitin with ripples and small spikes on the surface and a few small holes, but that was it.
"Heya!" it piped, its voice surprisingly high-pitched and coming from no visible mouth. "You must be Kugome, Summoner the new, right? I Kumokani am! Contacter the First, Trainee, Twenty-Seventh Cohort of the Ninth Skitter. Honored greatly I am to be your contacter! The Empress told us all to be on the lookout for your call and super exciting to be the one is it. Too tall, not enough legs, but a good name you have. A right thing for the Arachnid Clan to have a Kumo-named human for our Summoner." Its tail flicked back and forth happily, lifting up off the ground in a way that would have been downright menacing if the thing weren't facing away from everyone.
Kagome-sensei considered his contact person carefully, clearly thinking through his words before speaking. "Actually, it's 'Kagome'," he said at last. "Sorry."
The tail drooped. "Oh," Kumokani said. "Well...too that good is, suppose I." It hesitated for a moment, then its mental voice brightened again. "To the Empress we should go! Wrong-named or not, super-duper excited am I to be your Contacter the First! Please to touch my shell."
Kagome-sensei stepped forward and knelt down, laying the tip of one finger on the young crab's shell. There was a quiet bamf, a brief puff of cyan smoke, and the two disappeared.
"Let's go, Cantelabra," Hazō said, holding out his arms for the pup to jump into. "Hold the fort guys," he said to the rest of the clan. "Be back as soon as I can."
The world disappeared in a poof of smoke and Hazō was on the Seventh Path, standing in front of Kumokōgō in her throne room.
Aside from Cantelabra and the two humans, the room was empty except for the Empress and two massive scorpion guards who hung back and to the sides. They quivered in place, having been instructed to remain still and out of the way but not liking being this far from their protectee.
Kumokōgō was really going out of her way to make this situation as unthreatening as possible.
Kagome-sensei was busy turning in place, looking up at the rounded and far-off ceiling of the Orbularium's enormous throne room. Hopefully he had done as Hazō instructed and bowed the moment he arrived, but wonder at his new surroundings was a very reasonable thing.
The room was a silken sphere fifty yards across, woven so thin that the sunlight glowed faintly through. Glowing lights studded the inner surface, bolstering the light up to that of a bright summer day. The sphere was bisected by a massive spiderweb, the outer third of which consisted of anchor cables as thick as Hazō's wrist and the inner two-thirds a flat plane woven as tight as a doily and as rigid as steel. It didn't give at all under the humans' feet and the gaps in the doily weren't large enough to be dangerous—perhaps two or three fingers wide—but looking down through them revealed more floors below, some at different angles, along with spiders scuttling around the inner surface of the sphere.
The inside surface of the throne room was covered in paintings and sculpted ridges that were hard to visually parse for a human with only two eyes and no grounding in Arachnid culture or history. Despite that, that still managed to be beautiful.
Kagome-sensei finished his turn and startled a bit when he finally noticed Kumokōgō.
"Oh, wow!" He blinked and then hurried to bow. "I mean, hello your Imperial Majesty. I am Gōketsu Kagome of the Gōketsu Clan of the Human Path and I ask the privilege of being your Summoner."
"Welcome are you, Kagome of the Gōketsu Clan. Please, approach."
Hazō had spent a solid three hours working with the Empress on how to make this meeting go well. He had explained Kagome-sensei's hair-trigger
Kumokōgō was amused at the idea that she was going to have to put herself out to accommodate a Summoner candidate, since things usually went very much the other way. Still, she understood the necessity and seemed sympathetic to Kagome-sensei's history. She also acknowledged, when Hazō carefully and circumspectly explained it, exactly how terrifying her appearance was for humans. The skittering speed that was a spider's regular movement was bound to cause violent reactions from any ninja who wasn't well prepared and strongly self-controlled, but the slow prowl of a creature large enough to crush a horse was not much more reassuring. She had suggested that perhaps the best would be for her to remain still and have Kagome-sensei approach her.
The man in question did so, Hazō leading the way one step ahead and to his left, ready to jump in the way if things went badly.
Fortunately, Kagome-sensei didn't seem frightened so much as fascinated. He walked up to what Hazō would have considered conversational distance with a creature the size of the Empress and then he kept walking until half an arm's length away from her left front leg. It was taller than he was and covered in bristly hairs as long as his thumbs; Hazō's heart skipped a beat when he teacher leaned in close, nose almost in contact with the leg, and craned his neck to look at it from different angles.
Hazō cleared his throat meaningfully and Kagome-sensei jolted upright.
"Oh, right!" He blushed in embarrassment and stepped back. "Um...sorry. Uh...I'm supposed to say, um—"
"A pleasure to make your acquaintance it is, Kagome of the Gōketsu," Kumokōgō said, her voice bubbling with arachnid amusement. "See I that concern for your alarm overstated was."
"Hm?" Kagome-sensei said, frowning in confusion. "What? Oh, right! Yeah, I was supposed to be scared, wasn't I? Um...is it rude if I'm not? Hazō explained all this etiquette stuff but it's hard to remember it all. The Path-walking stuff, sure. Extradimensional transposition is easy enough to do in your head if you've only got two endpoints and I did the dance before signing so that the Things wouldn't notice me, but etiquette is hard." He looked down at his shoes, ticking points on his fingers. "Bow when you get there...don't call anyone a stinker...don't look grossed out...don't blow them up." He looked up again, beaming in delight. "Hey, I did it right!"
Kumokōgō burst out in high-pitched chitters of laughter. "Indeed you did, my new Summoner. Accept you I do. Talk let us, and perhaps not a mere temporary formality need this be."
"Aren't I supposed to cuddle you tonight or something?" He studied her. "I hope you don't roll over in your sleep, because I think you'd squish me."
The hairs on the massive spider's body rippled in an arachnid shudder. "Ew. Regard positively bluntness you do, says Hazō. Therefore shall I say: ew, gross. As disturbing as Hazō finds us, so too do we think of you icky mammals. Yes, sleep in my web you must so that the Seal you may see, but there shall be no"—her mouthparts heaved as though she were swallowing back a bit of vomit—"cuddling. Far, far apart shall we sleep. Through three rooms is my web woven. Also, keep on your pants while in my web you are. Seen Hazō's groin-thing I have, when he spat water from it. Floppy, hairless trunk and those dangly wrinkly things."
"Hey!" Hazō said, blushing beet red.
"Ew, ew, ew," Kumokōgō continued, ignoring him. "Pants keep on, spit not water."
"I'm a grown man, I don't pee the bed," Kagome-sensei said with a huff and folded arms. "Or web, or whatever. Don't be gross."
The Empress gave a tiny nod of her massive head. "Very well. Now, come. Sit. Tell me of yourself." She politely turned her head to make clear to Hazō that she was focused on him. "Hazō, leave you may. I believe past the first obstacle we are and violence unlikely is." (Off to the sides, her scorpion bodyguards rustled their chitinous legs angrily.) "Speak privately with my Summoner I like should. Send him home tomorrow once complete the marriage is."
Kagome-sensei blinked at that, his upcoming cross-species nuptials finally clicking into an immediate reality as opposed to a future assumption.
"Sensei?" Hazō asked. "You need me to stay?"
The older man waved dismissively. "Nah, head on back. I want to talk to my lady here. Do you mind if I walk around you? You've got a fascinating body. Three joints in the legs, huh? I suppose it's kinda like humans if the foot was a lot longer and vertical." He pointed one leg out and stared at his foot as he wiggled it back and forth, bending the knee experimentally. "No, it would have to be turned around the other way. It doesn't look like you have hands, so how do you weave things? Our spiders have their silk come out their rear ends—is it like that for you, or—"
Hazō beat a hasty retreat from the throne room, taking Cantelabra back to the Dog embassy chambers before unsummoning himself.
Author's Note: This update covered 10 days. Other things that happened:
- Noburi completed his training with the Akimichi Chakra Enhancement technique. Consultation with a friendly Hyūga reveals that the chakra in his body has doubled, which makes it only marginally stronger than a civilian's. There has been no impact on the capacity of his barrel.
- Hazō worked on MARS, the Multiple Activation Relay Seal; exact progress listed below in a separate post. It works like the regular ARS but it can be paired with either 1 or 2 seals. When the MARS is activated, all paired seals activate. You can't pick and choose.
- You spent time with both Akane and Ino. Both of them are feeling battered by the war—Akane by her part in it and Ino by the loss of the multiple Yamanaka who died. The time was good for all three of you but obviously it didn't magically clear away the problems.
XP AWARD: 45
Brevity XP: 10
"GM had fun" XP: 45
It is now about 6pm and you are seated at the dinner table with the other Gōketsu ninja, including the adoptees.
Vote time! What to do now?
Voting ends on Wednesday, .
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- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Hazō's research on MARS:
Calligraphy (25) + 10 (5 days spent on prep) + 0 (dice) = 35
Sealing (45) + 10 (5 days spent on prep) + 0 (dice) = 55
Hazō makes progress!
Calligraphy (25) + 10 (5 days spent on prep) -6 (dice) = 29
-1 FP: reroll!
Calligraphy (25) + 10 (5 days on prep) + 3 (dice) = 38 phew!
Sealing (45) + 10 (5 days spent on prep) -6 (dice) = 49
-1 FP: reroll!
Sealing (45) + 10 (5 days spent on prep) + 0 (dice) = 55
Hazō makes progress!
On the second research period Hazō was just about to infuse his prototype seal when he noticed a faint smudge that almost certainly would have caused a failure. It left him shaking so badly that he had to wait two hours before he felt calm enough to draw another blank. He didn't wait quite long enough because the thought of how close he had come was still rattling around in his head and almost caused him to blow the infusion. Fortunately, he caught it at the last minute and it worked.
It's far from an easy seal but he's chipping away at it. At this rate, it's going to be severalmonths (EDIT: braino. I meant 'weeks') before he completes it, and he feels like it would be a great idea to improve his handwriting.
Calligraphy (25) + 10 (5 days spent on prep) + 0 (dice) = 35
Sealing (45) + 10 (5 days spent on prep) + 0 (dice) = 55
Hazō makes progress!
-1 FP: reroll!
Calligraphy (25) + 10 (5 days on prep) + 3 (dice) = 38 phew!
-1 FP: reroll!
Sealing (45) + 10 (5 days spent on prep) + 0 (dice) = 55
Hazō makes progress!
On the second research period Hazō was just about to infuse his prototype seal when he noticed a faint smudge that almost certainly would have caused a failure. It left him shaking so badly that he had to wait two hours before he felt calm enough to draw another blank. He didn't wait quite long enough because the thought of how close he had come was still rattling around in his head and almost caused him to blow the infusion. Fortunately, he caught it at the last minute and it worked.
It's far from an easy seal but he's chipping away at it. At this rate, it's going to be several
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- Location
- Texas
FOOM XP for Chapter 513
Base XP: 45
Akane: 59 Resolve -> 1.8x * 45 = 81 FOOM XP
Hazo: 44 Resolve -> 1.3x * 45 = 58.5 FOOM XP
Kei: 60 Resolve -> 1.8x reduced by .4 due to Snowflake -> 1.4x * 45 = 63 FOOM XP
Base XP: 45
Akane: 59 Resolve -> 1.8x * 45 = 81 FOOM XP
Hazo: 44 Resolve -> 1.3x * 45 = 58.5 FOOM XP
Kei: 60 Resolve -> 1.8x reduced by .4 due to Snowflake -> 1.4x * 45 = 63 FOOM XP
Spector29
It Only Gets Worse From Here
One of these numbers is wrong, I think.
- Location
- Yes.
I think the XP Award is the base, and the others add-ons to that.
- Location
- Yes.
Multiple ARS. You can also call it MLBF.I expected Kagome to be amazed by the architecture more than the anatomy.
What's MARS the acronym for again? My brain went "space travel" instantly, which is probably wrong seeing as this is a setting where we haven't confirmed space actually exists
Eisenhelm
gran dutch of douchery
- Location
- Colombia
amusement is good, amusement is not anger so i will take it; also we had gotten very addept at readingn non-humans, maybe that is the in universe reason why he sucks at talking to people so much.
this is enough justification for hazou to start doing "my wife" jokes.
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- Pronouns
- She/Her/They/Them
Seconded, despite my
- Location
- Texas
[x] Training Plan - Akane: Paper's Path
CR 30 -> 32 = 126 XP
Resolve 59 -> 60 = 9 Yamanaka XP + 51 XP
Physique 31 -> 33 = 65 Pangolin XP
[] Training Plan - Hazo: Paper's Path
CR 26 -> 27 = 54 XP
Resolve 44 -> 47 = 5 Yamanaka XP + 133 XP
[] Training Plan - Kei: Snowflake's Day Off
SC 40 -> 50 = 455 XP
Kei is unfortunately lacking 284 XP for this.
[X] Training Plan - Kei: Leg Day
Physique 31 -> 32 = 32 Pangolin XP
[] Training Plan - Noburi: NOBURI
Earth Affinity = 1000 XP
Noburi is more than halfway to this goal, but the question now becomes "Do we put that on hold and start FOOMing?" IMO we should get him SC permission from Asuma first.
[X] Training Plan - Noburi: Leg Day
Physique 30 -> 31 = 31 Pangolin XP
CR 30 -> 32 = 126 XP
Resolve 59 -> 60 = 9 Yamanaka XP + 51 XP
Physique 31 -> 33 = 65 Pangolin XP
[] Training Plan - Hazo: Paper's Path
CR 26 -> 27 = 54 XP
Resolve 44 -> 47 = 5 Yamanaka XP + 133 XP
[] Training Plan - Kei: Snowflake's Day Off
SC 40 -> 50 = 455 XP
Kei is unfortunately lacking 284 XP for this.
[X] Training Plan - Kei: Leg Day
Physique 31 -> 32 = 32 Pangolin XP
[] Training Plan - Noburi: NOBURI
Earth Affinity = 1000 XP
Noburi is more than halfway to this goal, but the question now becomes "Do we put that on hold and start FOOMing?" IMO we should get him SC permission from Asuma first.
[X] Training Plan - Noburi: Leg Day
Physique 30 -> 31 = 31 Pangolin XP
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- Location
- The Deep Blue Sea
- Pronouns
- She/Her/They/Them
This is why I seconded. Smol and fluffy.
I don't have a crippling fear based on weird monochrome dreams or anything.
- Location
- The Soviet Republic of Canuckistan
- Pronouns
- He/Him
[X] Action Plan: Heart to Hearts
Word count: <300
Word count: <300
- Noburi
- Go sparring. (Goal: deniably avoid being overheard.)
- ACE
- It paid off. How's that feel?
- Once you're ready, we'll get you SC.
- Any suggestions how?
- Yuno
- How's your relationship going? (Make space and listen. Encourage him to share feelings.)
- Yuno's from an alien culture. Finding middle ground is tricky. You've (naturally) done great so far. What's worked? What hasn't?
- Some of your relationship dynamics hurt you and Yuno both.
- Tone: neutral, no one's fault. Gently raising an issue.
- It's also hospitalized bystanders.
- Have you talked to her about it?
- Would a third party help those conversations?
- Kurenai's taken, discreet, socially-adept.
- Ma and Pa are respected Summons, have relationship experience.
- Akane/Honoka's parents?
- Mari might have suggestions.
- Can we help you organize/arrange a third party?
- Yuno silenced a guest when she prevented you from reading Fujisawa's note. A core clan value is communication/talking out problems. How do we best explain this to Yuno?
- Akane
- Do something Youthful and non-violent together.
- Tone: gently encouraging Akane to talk to us so we can understand/better support her.
- Stop talking about this at the first sign it's going badly. Pay attention. Do not argue/debate/fix/speechify.
- How are you doing? How are you feeling?
- You've been one of our biggest anchors for a long time. It seems like you've lost yours.
- What are your other anchors?
- What makes life worthwhile for you?
- Throw away realism. What do you want to do?
- It's okay to have no/vague answers.
- We love and believe in you. Whatever it takes, we want to help.
- Perform some cheesy-but-innocuous courtship rituals (heart-shaped chocolates, reciting love poetry).
- Offscreen:
- Spend a day with Ino. Focus on your (individual) relationship with her. Plan activities of varying moods (exciting, calm, romantic), follow her lead.
- Visit Mareo, time allowing.
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- Location
- The state of Paranoia
Ooh, did Kagome get a horseshoe crab?
He DID get a horseshoe crab!
I wonder if this is a family thing, or a social/economic thing? Like, is a skitter a family? A military unit? A job? The title of Kumokani's recent ancestor?
Oh yeah, this is working out perfectly so far.
Woohoo! That went as well as we could have expected!
You know, spiders would be amazing at cuddling. Think about all those extra arms to cuddle you with!
Edit:
[X] Action Plan: Heart to Hearts
I'm not sure why we're asking Noburi what he needs in order to start FOOMing, since we're the ones with access to his spreadsheet, but I like the rest of the plan and I trust that there's some reason for it.
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