Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
-
- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
Chapter 465: The Law is Harsh…
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
The evening of Akane's return, after reluctantly leaving her to rest…
"My apologies, Lord Gōketsu," the elderly butler said with a bow, "but Lady Keiko is engaged in research and has left clear instructions that she is not to be disturbed."
"Even by her brother?" Hazō asked.
The butler fished out a scroll from the depths of his robe, and scanned it briefly in the light of the nearest lamp.
"Lord Gōketsu, with the greatest respect, have you come here to engage in any of the following: 'tomfoolery', 'shenanigans', 'proposal of ill-conceived ideas unvetted by the saner minds within the clan, little though that may say', 'apologies for the consequences of the latest daring and original plan to benefit the Gōketsu or Leaf, and/or request for help escaping same'—"
Hazō silently set his crutch against the wall, groped around in his backpack, and finally held up a bag bearing the mark of the Pantasia Patisserie.
"Of course, My Lord. Please follow me."
The man led Hazō to the Garden of Divine Proportion, which, contrary to its name, did not contain any Will of Fire statues, or even images of the kami (Hazō imagined that a clan as historically high in the Hokage's favour as the Nara could get away with a lot that might be considered heretical elsewhere). The closest was the statue of the Saviour in the Shadows, which depicted Nara Shikaku looking down at a map of Nagi Island dotted with miniatures of the heroes and villains of that battle. He was captured in the act of toppling a Jashin banner with a fingertip while a figurine of Lord Inoichi stood over it triumphantly.
At the foot of the statue, Kei sat at a picnic table surrounded by stacks of scrolls and a pair of bright lamps. One who was neither Gōketsu nor Nara might have been surprised to see her working outdoors in the middle of winter in only a light coat. For a change, Snowflake was nowhere to be seen.
After a few seconds, Kei looked up. "Hazō? I believe I gave explicit instructions—"
Hazō held up the bag.
"Whatever you have done this time is forgiven," she said abruptly. "Hand it over at once."
"I haven't done anything," Hazō said. "This is just a gift."
"In that case, please consider a suitable number of sisterly affection points deposited into your account. They are rare, so do not spend them all at once."
Hazō passed her the bag with a smirk.
"You know, Hazō," Kei observed as she opened it, "were someone to have told my Academy self that I would one day have unfettered access to this magical delicacy, I could only have taken it as confirmation that my sister would one day rule the world. That you and I were able to achieve it with our mere mortal strength is a powerful argument that there is yet hope for humanity to rise from the hell it has crafted for itself."
"You know what, I'll take it," Hazō decided. At a nod, he sat down opposite her.
"So what are you working on?"
"Ugh." Kei passed him one of the scrolls from the leftmost pyramid. Unfurling it, Hazō saw what appeared to be a series of testimonies, together with annotations in Kei's mechanically-precise handwriting.
There were twenty of them, all jōnin, each one riding a giant killer mole, all laughing maniacally. Yes, even the moles. Especially the moles. When I think about how their snouts shook with diabolical glee… // Uncorroborated. See notes on the Charge of the Dark Brigade genjutsu.
In my experience, a Leaf chūnin is worth three or four dust devils in equal combat. I myself take them five at a time. It's the lack of souls, you see. It slows down chakra flow. // Statistically questionable. Send a messenger to consult Tsunade?
And then the chief sealmaster pulled out these two seals and yelled something about being forced to use his clan's secret weapon, and a whole load of crazy stuff happened, but it was all totally unyouthful so I just dodged around and punched him in the face. // Why? Why must you torment me even from beyond the grave, Maito Gai?!
"Ami was correct," Kei said heavily. "The people of Leaf are to accurate recordkeeping as bull sharks are to disguise kit manufacture. Or as the people of Leaf are to disguise kit manufacture, for that matter. Were you aware that all data on disguise kit manufacture dating further back than two years are missing, and it never occurred to anyone to flag this? We are living among barbarians, Hazō."
With that lamentation, she busied herself with the cake, eventually and reluctantly setting two slices aside.
"So what brings you to my humble desk, Hazō?" Kei asked, brushing crumbs off her sleeves in a practised, systematic motion. "I am not so naïve as to believe that this carrot cake is unrelated to any form of bribery."
"I wanted to talk to you about Fu Kōhei," Hazō said.
Kei's face darkened. "The AFKEI shinobi? Of what further relevance is he? Your stratagem was both brilliant and cruel, and I would prefer not to discuss it further."
"My… stratagem?" Hazō had a sudden very bad feeling. Somewhere in the part of his mind that existed to torment him, he could hear Ami giggling with mole-like diabolical glee.
"I am the last person you need to play coy with about this, Hazō," Kei said coolly, "given the way you exploited my name during its execution. You did not wish to be seen as obeying the KEI by expelling Fu, nor to harm your standing with the organisation by protecting him, so instead, the very next day, you conspicuously ordered torture and interrogation equipment, together with a means of storing and transporting corpses. Were there any doubt as to its purpose, you took care to lay it to rest by invoking the name of your KEI coordinator sister, in the name of whose honour you once sought to destroy an entire clan. In a village where a matter of months ago, clanless genin were being kidnapped and tortured to death with not a finger lifted by the Hokage, and with Fu having just betrayed his only other protectors, the natural conclusion suggested itself without any need of further agency on your part. As a bonus, it retroactively justifies the KEI's decision, since surely"—her lips twisted slightly— "only the most twisted and depraved of souls would consider abandoning their village for fear of harm at the hands of the authorities.
"You should speak to Ami. Doubtless, she will thank you, and be duly appreciative of your genius. For my part… I would prefer to return to my work."
Hazō stared at her, aghast. "Kei, no! Those were just supposed to be props for the fish god sex cult!"
A second later, it occurred to him that they were out in public in the middle of the Nara compound. Well, the original objective had been to spread rumours…
"The what?!"
"You know," Hazō said impatiently (and much more quietly). "The fish god sex cult that explains why we have a fish breeding expert living on the estate."
"Hazō," Kei said with exasperation after a couple of seconds, "that was a joke. Snowflake even suggested treason as a viable alternative. Tell me you have not offered this as an explanation to the Hokage."
Hazō shook his head. "No. I haven't talked to him about any of this."
"You will," Kei said. "I imagine we will also be required to provide an explanation. As I say, however, basic anti-missing-nin bias is on our side. We can hardly be accused of poor judgement for expelling from our ranks the kind of man who would proceed to betray the village in its hour of need.
"More importantly, Hazō, cults are heretical. Fish god cults are the kind of heresy one expects from a former Mist-nin, which I imagine is a reason for the existing rumours. Need I explain the consequences if Leaf at large is convinced of the currently frivolous notion that you are a heretic attempting to undermine the Will of Fire?"
Hazō winced. "Is it too late to cancel the T&I order?"
"It is for Fu Kōhei."
At that, Hazō was silent.
"You can't possibly think this was really my fault," he said eventually.
"According to Ami, who maintains a standing bounty on all gossip from the Gōketsu estate for reasons best known to herself, the news of your order spread across the estate this morning. Fu went missing sometime prior to mid-afternoon, as established by his failure to attend a mission briefing with two other KEI shinobi. Hazō, there is literally no worse time to run than before a briefing, since it guarantees that shinobi will be immediately dispatched to investigate your absence. His need must have been sudden and acute. For that matter, I doubt any grown man could have been so pathetic as to turn missing from a mere day's experience of ostracism. It is a prison of despair built brick by brick, not a rain of panic attacks like more intensive forms of bullying."
Kei closed her eyes. "And this is how you and I have, between us, condemned a man to exquisite torture and dishonourable death for the mere conjoined crimes of greed and incompetence. Perhaps it would have been better for me to remain a secretary in all but name."
Hazō reached for his slice of carrot cake. He needed it right now.
"Kei," he said, "I don't want to put more pressure on you now when I know you're upset, but I do want to talk to you about the KEI. Things shouldn't have ever got this far. Excommunicating people permanently for mistakes is something clans do—I know that better than anyone. Isn't the KEI supposed to be better than the clans?"
"It was necessary," Kei said quietly. "The new system is very difficult to enforce. We do not have eyes everywhere, the KEI Intelligence Division is a volunteer group, and Ami and I refuse to transform the KEI, an organisation founded on trust in one's comrades in the face of a hostile world, into a society of mutual espionage and denunciation after the fashion of Mist. Yet for the system to fail because KEI shinobi cheat each other would also be a grievous blow to that trust, in addition to the deleterious impact on incomes and battlefield survival. The KEI is fragile, Hazō. It is a power ascendant, but it is also a patient only beginning to recover from lifetimes of abuse and neglect. It is not the clan that exiled your mother because it found her romantic preferences distasteful."
"Still," Hazō said. "Ostracism? Even if he hadn't run, it would have been a death sentence for a clanless genin."
"It was necessary," Kei repeated. "We are not the Tower. We do not have the power to levy fines. We do not have the power to arrest. We do not have the power to impose mandatory labour. Strictly speaking, we do not have the power to ostracise either, because that is a decision made individually by each KEI shinobi. We have not instructed anyone to stone the infidel, nor threatened consequences for those who lend him food or shelter. Rather, we have presented the facts in a certain light, and then allowed nature to take its course—and nature, human nature, seizes every opportunity to torment the vulnerable. Were it possible to fine-tune the process, to cause, say, only every third person to treat him with loathing and contempt, it would surely have been an improvement, but I suspect that task would be beyond even Ami."
"Even if you believe that," Hazō said, "could you not have given him a path to redemption? Haru was given one, and I think he's using it, or at least thinking about using it, or at least aware that it is a thing that could be used, but how could Fu Kōhei come back from this?"
Kei's eyes narrowed. "Do not preach to me of Haru. You do not care about his crimes. You care only that they move him in the wrong direction on the axis of Uplift. What you seek for him is not redemption but conversion. For as long as he considers killing yakuza acceptable, he cannot wholeheartedly serve Uplift.
"As for Fu, our objective was accomplished. It was within his power to regain what he had lost—the trust of the KEI at large—through some heroic feat or major selfless contribution. We shape the KEI's opinions; we do not defy them. Had he made a compelling case to Ami, I imagine she would even have assisted him in arranging it. A game in which the opponent she must outmanoeuvre is herself seems entirely to her taste.
"It is not we who catalysed his despair into mortal terror instead of taking prompt action to either expel or reassure him. Nor I do not appreciate your demand that I justify myself. You have not stood where I have, forced to choose between the doom of one and the doom of many. You relied on Akane to make that choice for you, and the only reason you can boast of offering Haru a path to redemption is that she was inspired enough to find a third option."
"Kei," Hazō said quickly, placatingly, "I'm not asking you to justify yourself." The Iron Nerve was ready with a smooth pacifying hand gesture, but Hazō hurriedly suppressed it because he knew she found it patronising. Kei found a lot of things patronising, especially when she was already in a bad mood. "I know it can't have been an easy choice, and I know it hurts you that you had to make it. I just want to help you look for a different path in the future, and part of that is understanding why you did what you did to begin with. And why the others did it, for that matter. You're only a third of the Triumvirate. Why are you acting like this is all your fault?"
"Because it is," Kei said flatly. "I could have refused to expel him. I imagine I would have been outvoted, and the outcome would not have changed—although it is also possible that Naruto was secretly wavering, in which case my decision might have swayed him. Instead, by assenting, I accepted full responsibility. I concurred with Ami's reasoning, and assisted in optimising its execution. It is impermissible for me to shift blame elsewhere, or deny my contribution to Fu's coming demise."
There wasn't much Hazō could say to that. While taking all of the blame for everything wasn't exactly a dramatic shift from Kei's usual behaviour, on this occasion, she was factually correct. Still, what he wanted from her wasn't an admission of guilt. It was simply a commitment to do better next time. He tried to focus, to think of some clever segue away from Kei beating herself up and towards positive discussion, but it was late, and the pulsing headache that he mostly kept at bay with regular doses of willowbark and/or Akane was making up for lost time.
"What about Ami and Naruto?" he asked. "Ami, at least, should have seen this coming. Why would she want things to play out this way?"
"Who can say?" Kei said. "I cannot imagine how she would predict that you were about to terrify Fu into fleeing for his life by unintentionally threatening him with torture equipment intended for a sex god fish cult, but this is Ami. Perhaps she felt that proof positive of Fu's iniquity would be of more value to the KEI than long-term plans for an AFKEI faction. Perhaps there is some advanced reasoning, opaque to me, by which allowing him to remain in the public eye would be harmful, and thus it would be best for him to be removed from it with maximum certainty. Perhaps there is some subtle secondary effect to his actions that I cannot even imagine, as when she manoeuvred two of my clansmen into entering a relationship because her homework from Lord Ryūgamine was to arrange for a third party to cut their hair without in any way interacting with them, and said third party sought a change of image in order to reassert herself as romantic competition. Perhaps she simply wishes to see what happens. Speculating about Ami's motives tends to be unproductive.
"I cannot speak for Naruto, but I believe his experience in rendering judgement on criminals is confined to the realm of educational thought experiments. It does not surprise me that, in the absence of strong feelings of his own, he should follow Ami's lead."
Hazō nodded. "Still, maybe you should think twice about following her lead in the future. You didn't mean to give him a death sentence. Surely there's a better way?"
Kei frowned. "I… trust Ami. Her judgement has always led to the best positive outcome in the end. In fact, I believe I see now. While you are correct in your assessment that the life expectancy of a genin denied support from his fellows will plummet, Fu's expulsion was never intended to be a death sentence in itself—much in the same way as a heavy fine is generally not intended to be a death sentence even if in practice it leads to starvation. Someone of Ami's talent can argue that expulsion has been revealed to be a far more dire fate than intended, and thus in the future it should be reserved for the worst criminals. This opens the door for us to wield lighter punishments from now on, while still being able to use the threat of expulsion to terrify potential lawbreakers.
"In fact,"—her eyes lit up—"the truth grows clear. This is groundwork for an internal KEI legal system. Now that the most obvious punishment has also been revealed to be excessively harsh for most crimes, there is a need to devise and implement lighter ones, and in the process clarify the nature of the crimes to which they are appropriate. At the same time, those who refuse to obey the rules and accept these lighter punishments will naturally be ejected from the organisation, and it has been demonstrated that this is a fate nigh-equal to death. Truly, Ami's genius transcends all bounds.
"I wish the price of this did not have to be a human life. Still…" Kei gave a small smile. "The rule of law, while brutally fallible—as demonstrated by Yagura's reign—is a vast improvement on the savagery into which mankind descends when left to follow its natural instincts. In death, Fu can return more to the KEI than he ever stole.
"Thank you, Hazō," she concluded. "This revelation is exactly what I needed. I am only embarrassed—if unsurprised—that I lacked the perceptiveness to reach it on my own."
Hazō wasn't sure whether this was the exact opposite of the goal he had come here to accomplish, but it was certainly in the right (wrong) area. He'd wanted to prevent anyone else from suffering Fu Kōhei's fate, and now, far from being a mere deterrence measure to protect technique trade between ninja, Kei was going to use it as the foundation for an entire legal system.
Would Ami go along with it? Of course she would. Assuming this hadn't been her plan all along (and he had to admit that, now he thought about it, Fu's escape had every sign of spontaneity), it still increased her power and, just as importantly, it was more interesting than the status quo. Hazō's read on Naruto still wasn't great, but he imagined the future Hokage wouldn't be hard to persuade of the value of increased law and order either.
At least, Hazō decided, with this the Fu Kōhei incident was resolved and would never come back to trouble him again.
-o-
You have received 5 + 2 = 7 XP.
-o-
You have asked Kei to talk to Pantsā about sending a condor to the Snakes as a preliminary to securing Orochimaru's cooperation. She is uneasy with the prospect, as it means legitimising Pantsā's enslavement of the Condors, but your reasoning is sound and she feels she has a favour to repay.
-o-
It was late at night, and Hazō didn't feel like it was a good time to launch into a discussion of military plans. However, the following morning a messenger brings an invitation to attend a strategic planning session with Shikamaru, Kei, and Snowflake at the Nara compound.
-o-
What do you do?
Voting closes on Saturday 11th of September, 1 p.m. New York time.
Last edited:
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
If it helps, eaglejarl never figured out how much XP Chapter 463 was worth, so we'll probably need to look back to Chapter 461, the last end-of-chapter payout on record.
- Location
- Italy
Are we going to use it? Callig should be 2/3 Sealing IIRC, so would it be better to go for Callig 20 and keep the rest for FOOM? Or just go directly into FOOM, but i doubt Callig 20 would change much-
- Pronouns
- He/Him
mathematically it might actually be the same as Callig 19 right now due to wound penalties. I think invoking for rolls and such would be improved though. And for me, once Hazou's fully healed I would prefer going all the way to Callig 28 before increasing resolve, since he has sealing eff 42
EDIT:
23 - 12 (wound penalty) + 3 (Iron nerve) = eff 14
14 * (3/2) = 21 sealing (Hazou has eff 30 right now)
19 - 8 (wound penalty) + 3 (Iron nerve) = eff 14
14 * (3/2) = 21 sealing (Hazou has eff 30 right now)
Last edited:
Don't we just need Callig 25 b/c of IN? So Callig 25 is effective 28
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
Callig 20 would be significantly worse than Callig 19, because it would push our wound penalty from -8 to -12. At callig 19 our eff calligraphy would be 14, enough to support Sealing 21 and roughly get us back to our pre-SSA skill level. At callig 23 our eff calligraphy would be... yeah also 19, breaking even but in a better position for when the Severes wear off.
Also note that when comparing Calligraphy and FOOM, the preferred plan for Hazou's ABs involves a significant amount of investment in Calligraphy, so it's just a somewhat small opportunity cost in exchange for getting competent sealing skills again.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
whatever, either way
- Location
- Book Fort
- Pronouns
- They/Them
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
[χ] Training Hazou: Calligraphy Ultra+1: More is Less
Calligraphy 14 -> 20
Spend 105 XP
Tbh I think we should just wait until we can boost it to 25, since that's the goal for the foreseeable future, and that's only 50ish xp away.
[X] Training Hazou: Calligraphy Ultra: Less Is More
I'm thinking that while we're meeting with Keiko and Shikamaru, we need someone to hunt down those rift sites around Leaf or Fire Country.
The faster we open the Afterlife rift, the faster we might reverse some losses. Especially ones we unintentionally caused.
We could task Harumitsu's with this. Maybe make it apart of his training?
I'm thinking that while we're meeting with Keiko and Shikamaru, we need someone to hunt down those rift sites around Leaf or Fire Country.
The faster we open the Afterlife rift, the faster we might reverse some losses. Especially ones we unintentionally caused.
We could task Harumitsu's with this. Maybe make it apart of his training?
- Pronouns
- He/Him
why not buy this now and then vote in 25 a few updates later? we could be doing some low level stuff in the meantime.
For one thing, we still haven't finished Mari's bday present which should theoretically be a pretty simple project. We have a seal that emits hot air. What we want is for it to do that 1 to 2 more inches away, so we can place it on the tub and have the air emerge within the tub. This gives us veterancy for modifying the place where stuff emerges from storage seals too, so when we get to megalovania and shit it will be helpful.
Plus, there's a bunch of seals jiraiya left us we still haven't learned yet that we might as well. (Raiton seal, Darkness Seal, Pillar Seal). We don't know how hard these are, and if Hazou thinks they're too hard we can just move on. Besides that, there's still LBF apparently.
[X] Training Hazou: Calligraphy
Calligraphy 14 -> 23
Spend 171 XP
Calligraphy 14 -> 23
Spend 171 XP
Emstar
The Shining One
- Location
- Trapped in an extradimensional rift.
- Pronouns
- She/They
[χ] Training Hazou: Calligraphy Ultra+1: More is Less
Calligraphy 14 -> 20
Spend 105 XP
[χ] Training Hazou: Calligraphy Ultra+1: More is Less
You misspelled "Plus Ultra"
But we can do BETTER
[χ] Training Hazou: Calligraphy Blackjack: Don't Think About It Edition!
Calligraphy 14 -> 21
Spend 126 XP
- Location
- Europa, Jupiter Orbit
What do you mean? The KEI needs some kind of legal system. Kei managed to take a mess and make it into something productive.
Hazos intentions here were misunderstood and cast in the worst possible light. Kei also has fallen deeper into the unhealthy amounts of worship she bestows to Ami.
And someone died because we didnt see this coming. Mistakes got reinterpretted as intentional and malicious.
This is not what Uplift is about.
Eisenhelm
gran dutch of douchery
- Location
- Colombia
I thought for a second that this was kei showing us her attempts at writing fanfiction.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
about a month and a half
we're a few days into January, they end on Feb 19th
Last edited: