- Location
- The state of Paranoia
Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest
- Thread starter eaglejarl
- Start date
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- Tags
- naruto rationalist romance armageddon is looking better and better damn you kishimoto explosions everywhere explosives solve everyone if in doubt surrender to the mercy of zabuza it seemed like a good idea at the time looks like a really bad case of being a jōnin my god. where does the lore end? precommitting is the winning plan screaming in kagome screw the rules i have explosives something bad might still happen sometimes you gotta sociopath stabby zabby subsection c of paragraph 9 should include we can weaponize this so hard
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Nonono, Hazou's wife is Kumokogo. Kumogo is her cousin, much like Hazou's cousin is Hanzo
- Location
- United States
I agree completely, which is why I went for the cover story of a seal research facility. We're a clan of sealmasters so it makes perfect sense that we'd have something like this and go to great lengths to keep it hidden/protected. It's an extermely convinving cover because it's absolutely something that we would do.
I also left the cover story for disappearing underground to a seal research facility up to Mari herself, who could probably come up with and sell way better stories than anything I could. We might even get the sex dungeon rumor (though only to the extent where it's actually helpful. Mari wouldn't push it into the limelight beyond what would be convincing).
It's a good cover story if it's legal to have a seal research facility inside Leaf, might be illegal for obvious reasons.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Isn't the Goketsu estate technically outside of Leaf?
- Location
- United States
- We already have a seal research facility. This is just an additional, more secure one for our most secret seals.
- We aren't even in Leaf proper.
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
I don't think Kagome would ever approve an underground seal research facility, on account of not being able to quickly (i.e. max speed ninja sprint) flee if necessary if nothing else. A canny opponent would know how exacting Kagome is on his sealing research facilities and probably recognize that it's just a sham.
edit: this is why I suggested 'where we go to plot and plan necromancy' instead, because that's not itself sealing research (it can be everything except the actual research which is conducted at appropriate Kagome-standard facilities) but still suffices as 'a place we would go through effort like this to keep secret'.
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- Location
- United States
He's going to be in charge of designing the thing, so I'm not too worried about that. If he actually has a problem with it then he'd just designate the underground part of facility as the place for theory-work and non-dangerous experimentation.
As far as I'm aware, one would typically leave actual sealing facilities and go to remote areas to test experimental seals anyways, so I don't see how having a facility underground would make a difference other than making it more secure.
Actually having an underground seal research facility is an extraordinarily dumb idea because of the lack of escape routes. We wouldn't be doing any infusions inside the site.
I'm going to second this, if it's obvious to the players someone is going to guess sooner or later. Better that we had a great cover story rather than a good one.
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
I should note that sealing research involves regular infusions of prototype seals, by WoG. There's no clear division between theoretical research and testing, unless you count, like, Hazou and Kagome talking about project ideas around the campfire.
A 'theory only' research facility would most likely involve Kagome entering and leaving it every ten minutes or something, and just draw all the more attention.
- Location
- Cave
What a beautiful maiden.I think lovely is stretching it.
- Location
- United States
I remember both Kagome and Jiraiya having pages and pages of sealing notes on prospective seal designs. The "seal research facility" cover could be for something as narrow as "a place where we keep and write our sealing notes and research papers" or, if Kagome is fine with it, it could be a place where some infusions happen. Either is fine with me.
We have plenty of reason to keep papers containing sensitive information outside of Byakugan range, after all.
We have plenty of reason to keep papers containing sensitive information outside of Byakugan range, after all.
- Location
- United States
@QMs
To what extent would Kagome be comfortable doing general sealing work and sealing research in an underground facility built to his exact specifications and design? Is there anything he'd be perfectly fine doing? Is there anything that he feels wouldn't be safe no matter how he designs the facility?
To what extent would Kagome be comfortable doing general sealing work and sealing research in an underground facility built to his exact specifications and design? Is there anything he'd be perfectly fine doing? Is there anything that he feels wouldn't be safe no matter how he designs the facility?
Are you trying to deprive the QMs of getting to write Kagome running around shrieking for twenty minutes claiming that Hazou has been possessed by lupchanzen for suggesting such a thing as an underground seal research facility? I say we vote it in and see what happens.
Chapter 455: Rock Rolling
- Location
- USA
- Pronouns
- He/Him
"G'evening, Gaku," Hazō grunted, slumping into his chair.
"Good evening, sir. Tea and a snack are in the seal, as always. Difficult day?"
"Yeah. And a long day yesterday and not much sleep in between. Lunch with Yuno went well, at least." Also there had been another round of the nightmare highlights. The Sunset Racer exploding, a cascade of viscera and blood raining down around him, along with a dozen severed heads that stared at him. The world as it existed under Zabuza's aura: Demons tearing the skin and flesh from his body. The world as it existed under Orochimaru's aura: His body neatly separated, each part in its own neatly-labeled jar. The world as it existed b3h!nd ht3 |>a!|\|7 th.7 w4s th* w**ld loo|<ng @ the Gre*at S**L.
He shook his head, driving the thoughts away. He sighed. "I think it went well, anyway. Honestly, I can never be sure once the Isanese insanity starts getting involved. Those people are nucking futs."
Gaku's face did not shift at all in response to the barely-obfuscated cursing. "Of course, sir. I gather she is on her way?"
"Left as soon as we finished, so she and Akane are probably to the coast by now." He sighed, missing his love already.
Gaku stayed carefully silent.
"Sorry," Hazō said, snapping back to the moment. He opened the seals and had some of the tea and a bite of the lightly-browned omelette with its gooey drippy cheese and coarse-chopped peppers. Not Kagome-sensei's preferred insanity peppers that would strip the surface of your tongue off, just regular bell peppers that added a nice crunch and a trace of tang. "Damn this is good."
"I'm glad you like it, sir."
"Right. Okay, let's see...things for my personal log." He forced himself to stop eating and wipe his mouth on the white linen napkin before continuing. He'd been spending enough time with Kagome-sensei that Hazō was having to remind himself about the existence of table manners.
"Ready, sir." Gaku's brush was wetted and poised.
Hazō shoveled in a couple more bites and then leaned back, ankles crossed on the desk and contemplated the ceiling as he arranged his personal thoughts and todo list.
"Category: Kagome-sensei," he began.
"Spoke to him yesterday after Yuno left, focus on the Dragons. Question 1: Started off by asking him about the aura that I felt from them and how it messed me up the same way that the Pangolin Scroll and the Great Seal did. Asked whether it implied that the Sage made the Dragons from the Out."
"How the heck should I know?" Kagome-sensei said, glowering. "You're the one who can wander over to Hokage Tower, saunter into his office, and ask him." Dismissive snort. "Of course, he'll just kill you and rewire your brain, or put a lupchanz in your ear, or..."
"Answer 1: He didn't know and had no way of getting the information.
"Question 2: Dragons were created to fight the Ten-Tails, which was split into the nine Tailed Beasts...sidebar, there was one Ten-Tails and now there are nine Beasts with a total of forty-five tails. What? Do all the Beasts have the same amount of power and they just distribute it across different numbers of tails? If so, did they each get one-and-one-ninth tails worth of power, or is there a tenth Beast that we don't know about? Where? If neither, then what happened to the tenth tail? Back on topic: The One-, Two-, and Three-Tailed beasts were caught in Pain's ritual. Could this destabilize the Seal? What if it's failing intentionally? A safety mechanism, in case of Tailed Bast fuckery?"
"Are you crazy? Why would you ask me about the Tailed Beasts?! If he hears you he'll be here with the lupchanzen in no time flat! I'm not even sure why he's waited this long!" He began striding around the room, arms flapping as the paranoia flowed.
"Answer 2: He didn't have any information to offer.
"Question 3: Jiraiya killed the Squirrel Summoner a while back. Kagome-sensei was the one who decoded Jiraiya's notes and I asked him if there had been any details about that. Surprisingly, there were."
Gaku's head came up. "Another Scroll, sir? Lord Jiraiya had details on another Scroll? Or...wait, he didn't have the Scroll itself, did he? With his power, I would assume—" He caught himself gushing and stopped, his face turning red with embarrassment. "My apologies, sir."
Hazō chuckled. "Don't worry about it. No, nothing that exciting. It was a journal entry relating the experience along with a few details we hadn't had. It lets us narrow the location down a bit, but it's still a couple hundred square miles to search. More importantly, it turns out that Jiraiya had a secret weakness."
"A weakness, sir?" Scholarly eyebrows rose. "I was always told that Lord Jiraiya was one of the most powerful ninja in the world."
"Oh, he was. No, this was the same weakness shared by all bachelors: Laundry day, the skipping thereof." He laughed and waggled a slip of paper that was yellowing with age. "This is an old storage seal that we really should get rid of soonish. It contains the clothes that Jiraiya was wearing at the time of the fight. According to the notes on the back he was covered in 'great gushing gobs of Squirrel Boy's blood, and maybe a couple drops of mine.' The Squirrel Summoner escaped into the woods and Jiraiya wanted to hire an Inuzuka tracker to help him track the guy down. Unfortunately, the whole reason that Jiraiya was there in the first place was as part of an initiative to prevent Mist from 'getting too stroppy.' Well, they'd been getting more so and once he got back to Leaf he was too busy for the next couple of years to go after the Scroll. By that point he figured that the trail was cold enough not to bother pursuing. He kept the clothes on his 'todo someday' list but never got around it."
"Ah. Pity, sir."
"I know, right? Well, we might take a swing at it just in case. It's possible that one of the Dog trackers can do something that the Inuzuka trackers couldn't. Still, not my highest priority." He shrugged and tossed the seal on the desk, then snorted in amusement. "Alternatively, maybe I'll stay busy forever and my successor to the Clan Head position will find this seal and think about going after it. Who knows, it might turn into a whole generational thing."
"Every family does need traditions, sir."
"Sure enough. Anyway, wrapping up the 'things I need to ask Kagome-sensei about' section.
"Question 4: Nekkar, the boss of the Cat Clan, implied a greater threat than the Dragons. Kagome-sensei once said that the residents of the Seventh Path were human ninja, transformed and imprisoned by the Sage. Would that suggest that the 7th Path have other weapons, and would he know about those?" He shook his head, smiling slightly. "No progress was made during the conversation. Remind me to bring it up again at another time, but he needed to get to a lesson with Honoka so we had to cut things short." Also, Kagome-sensei had grabbed him and started shining a Jiraiya's Awesome Daybright Lantern Seal in his ears while peering far too closely.
"Noted, sir."
"Cool." He covered a yawn with his hand and winced when the movement pulled unpleasantly at his still not completely healed ribs. "Okay, last item: Step up the number of chakra-purchase missions we're posting. I need to dig a tunnel sixty miles or so across Spider territory and I'm going to be leaning on Noburi heavily for it."
"A tunnel, sir? If I may ask, why a tunnel and why so long?"
"It's the HOWS seals—Harumitsu's Outstanding Worldsaving Seals. They're basically just longer-lived lantern seals that need a lot more power. We're planting them all around the Great Seal in order to use up the chakra that it's leaking so the Seal itself doesn't erode as quickly. Problem is, there's a bunch of Dragons camped out on the top of the butte and there's only so many times that Kumokōgō can lure them away in order for me to sneak in there and replace the seals. I'm using the Tunnel Excavation Technique to dig a tunnel that lets me travel underground to the butte, then come up under the relevant locations. It should let me place the seals without being seen."
Gaku's brush swirled as he noted down the need for more missions. "They can be placed underground, sir?" he asked as he wrote.
"No—well, probably not. Even if they can, putting them on the surface would be better."
"That sounds risky sir. Doesn't the Tunnel Excavation Technique always produce a tunnel two arms across? It seems like that would be very visible to the very entities you are trying to avoid."
"Yes, it would be risky and yes, the technique does produce a two-arms-wide tunnel...roughly, anyway. How did you know?"
"With Lord Hokage's permission, I was briefed by the head of ANBU on all techniques available to Leaf. It is, after all, one of my key responsibilities to have available whatever information you might need."
Hazō eyed his secretary steadily, sipping his tea as he waited. Sadly, Gaku did not break. He continued smiling faintly and looking attentive.
"Gaku."
"Yes, m'lord?"
"How did you actually know?"
"I consulted with Madame Zaizen, sir. The fortune teller? Very knowledgeable woman."
Hazō couldn't help it, he burst out laughing. "Come on, give it up."
"Lord Noburi sought me out last night, sir, after you spoke with him. He asked me to arrange the extra chakra purchase missions because he wasn't certain you would remember."
"No respect," Hazō said, shaking his head. "He's a terrible brother."
"If I may ask, sir, how will you handle the issue? Surely the Dragons would notice such a large tunnel?"
"I'll tunnel to just below the surface and use the Stoneshaping technique to do the last little bit. Create holes just big enough to reach a hand through. Three or four should be enough. Not ideal, but sufficient."
"Very good, sir."
Hazō snorted, shaking his head in amusement at his Chancellor's games, and sipped his tea for a moment before going back to it.
"New category," he said. "The Seventh Path.
"Item 1: I asked Kumokōgō how the Dragons' aura felt to her. She couldn't really describe it, aside from rambling on with words like 'disconcerting', 'painful', and 'dizzying'. Make a note that when the other Bosses get there I need to see if they'll give me their impressions as well."
"Noted, sir."
"Okay, that's all I had. I need to go see Cannai in about an hour and then I'll be at the seal research facility working with Kagome-sensei on the dimensional seals, so we'll need to move quickly through whatever you've got. What's going on with those supply reports we were looking at yesterday? Is that cloth dealer cheating us?"
"Unclear but probably, sir. I've got a summary here, as well as a list of potential replacement vendors. If you'll turn your attention to page six..."
o-o-o-o
"Good morning, sir. You look better."
"Thank you, Gaku. I feel better." Indeed, he had caught himself smiling. Yesterday had involved a few conversations and then the rest of the day was spent on actual seal research with Kagome-sensei. Not just seal research, but research on seals that would detect the rift to the afterlife through which perhaps they could eventually start retrieving people. Starting with Jiraiya, meaning that Hazō could eventually dump the Clan Head job back on him and focus on doing things that were actually fun.
"I take it you had a good day yesterday? Anything for the journal?"
"Indeed! This goes in the Seventh Path category." He pulled today's mug of tea out of the storage scroll Gaku had set out for him and sipped. His eyebrows rose at the smokiness and the faint tingle of mint.
"Weird mix," he said. "Weird but good."
"I'm glad you like it, sir. I acquired it from a peddler who came by to use the clinic yesterday. I have quite enjoyed it."
Hazō took another sip, then put his feet up on the desk. "Okay, let's see...let's have 'Cannai' as a subcategory from Seventh Path."
"I shall prep a new drawer, sir."
"I've been carefully avoiding asking how you keep all this stuff organized, you know."
"Drawers, sir. Many, many drawers. Also, lists of cross-references."
"You know it's easier to use—" He cut himself off as his brain caught up to the fact that Gaku could not use storage seals.
"I'm sure it is, sir. I, however, am quite happy with my drawers. Now, I believe you had some items related to Cannai?"
"Yes. Right. Item 1: Still no word on the Bear Scroll. Remind me to ask again next week."
"Of course, sir."
"Item 2: I shared with Cannai that idea about having all the bosses travel together across the continent to go help fight the Dragons. Let's just say it didn't go well."
o-o-o-o
"...and that brings us around to an idea that Ami had for how to get the Crusade through Cat territory—"
"The Crusade?" Cannai asked, his ears pricking up.
"Right, I hadn't mentioned that. The idea was that all the Bosses go to Arachnid Territory to fight the Dragons, but they all agree that their people will jointly defend each other while they're away. If, for example, the Otters attacked the Toads, then the Monkeys, the Pangolins, and everyone else would all jump on the Otters. It should keep things stable."
Cannai frowned. "If I understand the explanation you gave me for the eastern land's geography, are not the Monkeys a thousand miles from the Otters? How can they provide any useful deterrent?"
"Uh, well..."
"Furthermore, if the xenophobic and militaristic Pangolins move to attack the Otters in support of this treaty, do they not leave themselves vulnerable to attack in the rear? Is the plan not vulnerable to false-image attacks, where one clan frames another?"
"Uh, well..."
Cannai gave a canine shrug. "It is not my concern. I am sure they will work it out. Will they be traveling in waves or taking different routes?"
"Waves? What?"
"The clan rulers. Remember, I previously told you that it might be difficult for them to travel together?"
"Right, of course." Actually, he had completely forgotten that. "Not sure, actually. Up to them, I guess? Anyway, I was talking with Ami—she's Keiko's sister and she's super smart. She suggested that crossing Cat Territory is going to be the big sticking point, and the way to do it would be for everyone to gather on the Cat border and then send in a messenger with tribute as thanks to the Cat Boss for allowing and ensuring safe passage through their territory. No single clan is going to go up against several bosses when there's a face-saving alternative." Hazō nodded, proud of his species.
Cannai frowned. "You are going to tell clan rulers to offer tribute?"
Alarm bells began ringing in his head. "Uh, well..."
"Tell me, Hazō, did you plan to recruit me into this Crusade of yours? The one where I would be expected to offer tribute to the Cats?"
"Uh, well..." Abort! Abort! "I think I misspoke. When I said 'tribute' what I actually meant was 'hostess gift'. It's a custom that humans have. When you go to visit someone that you don't know well, you bring a small gift as a gesture of appreciation for being invited into their home. The Cats either have to accept the gift and implicitly grant permission to enter, or they have to give the gift back and offend all those Clan Heads."
"I see. So you're saying that on the Human Path someone can force you to pay them tribute simply by inviting you into their home?"
"Uh, well..."
"I take it this is done as a method of demonstrating one's superiority? Something like when the older children force the younger away from the food until they are finished?"
"Uh, well...hey, speaking of abrupt segues, I wanted to ask: We have a line on the Squirrel Summoning contract but it's lost in the woods somewhere. Do you have any trackers who could help us find it?"
"Canvass cannot do it for you?"
Hazō shook his head. "I spoke to her earlier. I told her that we looked around for her ancestor's pack and couldn't find them without more information."
"A shame. You are free to ask around among our other trackers."
"Okay, thank you. Um, about the bison...those were a huge help and I'm very grateful. A lot of people have been eating better than ever before because of them. I was wondering what I could offer that would make it worthwhile for you to keep supplying us?"
Cannai considered, massive head cocked in thought. "I personally have no interest but you are free to look for individuals who wish to trade with you. Perhaps you could work out an arrangement where they buy passage to the Human Path in exchange for meat? You would need to have interesting activities for them to pursue. Some sort of visitors program, perhaps."
That was going to be full of exhausting skull-sweat, Hazō could just feel it.
"Thank you, I appreciate the suggestion."
o-o-o-o
"Good morning, My Lord."
"Morning Gaku...oh, hey, sushi. How did you know I was in the mood for sushi?"
"Madame Zaizen sacrificed a pig, My Lord. Its entrails fell in the shape of a nigiri."
"Uh-huh." He glowered expectantly at his Chancellor who maintained a frustrating level of calm.
"Okay, Gaku. That's enough. How did you actually know?"
"A good Chancellor never tells his secrets, My Lord."
"That's magicians. Fess up."
"Pure luck, sir. I simply took the one on top of the pile in the cafeteria."
Hazō snorted. "Right. Okay, well, we've got some exciting news."
"Very good, sir. What is the news?"
"I talked to Asuma last night, and the Conclave is still not finished."
Gaku looked up from his notes in surprise. "Ah. So, when you said 'exciting' you were in fact being sarcastic, sir?"
"Indeed. Pantsā is provisionally willing to help but Nezuni and Hyōtauni, the reps for Rat and Leopard, aren't willing to let anyone pass through their land. Enma thinks it might just be a bargaining position, but they're sticking to it hard. Without passing through those lands everyone would need to go north to get around the mountains instead of immediately heading west, and they'd need to pass through Hyena Territory. No one trusts those guys."
Gaku pursed his lips. "Would Turtle be feasible, sir? From what I recall of the map you showed me they have an excellent river network and are able to provide water transport easily."
Hazō shrugged. "It would have been nice, but they didn't attend. I don't know if they weren't willing to go because it was being held in Pangolin or just wouldn't have gone regardless. Still, we got Monkey, Pangolin, Condor, Toad, Otter, Rat, and Leopard. That's more than I expected."
"Not Porcupine, sir?"
"No, and not Slug or Snake either, although I'm not sure if anyone got Orochimaru to pitch it to them.
"In better news, the Toads sent Fukasaku and Shima, the two Toad Sages, so at least they're taking it seriously. Unfortunately, Enma says that they're more interested in negotiating for pipeweed and booze than forming the Crusade. And Condone is still too afraid to speak up because she thinks that if she says anything wrong then Pantsā might murder her and swap in another administrator for Condor Territory."
"Oh, dear. That sounds—" He broke off at the sound of feet pounding down the hall.
"My Lord Gōketsu!" the messenger painted, bursting in the door of Hazō's office with Atomu immediately behind him. "The Hokage summons you, sir!" The boy was ten, perhaps eleven, clad in the grey of civilian service with the gold ribbon of the Hokage's personal messengers tied around his left arm and the blue of the messenger corps around his right.
Hazō was immediately on his feet, cane in hand. (Graduating from the crutches to the cane had been a wonderful day.) "Gaku, we'll finish this later." He turned to the messenger. "What's going on? You can speak in front of these people."
"Rock is attacking, sir! All along the western border!"
XP AWARD: 30
Brevity XP: 10
"GM had fun" XP: 0
It is now 8am.
This update covered 10 days. You worked with Kagome-sensei on dimensional seals; he's sure that he's close but they aren't done quite yet.
Vote time! What to do now?
Voting ends on Wednesday, August 11, 2021, at 12pm London time.
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- Pronouns
- He/Him
mission failed, we'll get em next time
- Location
- Freiburg
Oh shit.
Oh... no? Oh yes? I'm not actually sure. We have nukes or something, right?
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
Anyone wanna bet this is Hidan's (and thus our) fault?
- Location
- United States
Fingers crossed that we're about to learn that Hidan absolutely decimated Rock.
Interesting that the Out from the Great Seal is the one that's actually deserving of a mention.
You made me blink and reread this line twice.
Is this....peppermint tea? We should probably keep some on hand to entertain Hidan and mildly raise his mood next time he pops in for a visit.
I wonder what Gaku's Calligraphy level is.
Gaku is bascially just used as a summary of all the scenes that didn't make the cut hahaha.
I imagine treating Asuma as the literal Sage to his face would make for an amusing OMAKE. Maybe I should get on that...
Does this mean that Kagome knows some secret lore about the Tailed Beasts that he belives the Sage does not want widely known?
Sidenote, I love Kagome.
I wonder how Hazō's family (or Gaku) will react to Hazō going from "this is not a priority at all" to "finding the 🐿 scroll should be the highest priority."
I am embarrassed to admit that I actually belived Gaku for a few seconds.
EJ is not being subtle here
Surprisngly helpful advice, once we get around to it.
...
Damn it. Why is @faflec always right?! I hope Akane and Yuno are okay.
Also, it looks like we finally understand what the title means.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
uh, Yuno and Akane went Northeast?
- Location
- The Maple Syrup Mountains
Unfortunately, not yet. Of the nuke ideas which made it to 'let's go try it out' stage, SINs were a bust and we haven't been able to spare the XP for EM nukes. Also, if this is a proper ninja war, it'll be long since over well before we have a chance to reach it, even if we dropped everything to rush it.
Best we have is aerial bombardment with MEW and/or other storage seal stuff, but that's only kinda good against purely static targets and they'd notice us quickly and just send skywalking ninja up to kill us.
will408914
(slouching towards bethlehem)
- Location
- California
I can't believe I actually have the chance to do this.
*SCREAMING IN FAFLEC*
I think it's highly likely that Rock has skywalkers, I can't imagine them attacking without them.
