"...and
here is the part where people can get a live feed of incoming information tailor-made for their preferences! Our revolutionary platform combines all the best things of the most popular sites out there while cutting out all the horrible stuff nobody likes! Candace complains about that kinda stuff all the time, so we know exactly what to avoid." Phineas held up a flash drive labeled 'Social Media Mistakes' before setting it down on the row of consoles. "But the most important part is how it'll help
everyone seize the day just like me and Ferb always do! No matter where you are, it'll give you suggestions and help to make sure every day can be your greatest day ever!"
"I'm impressed! Everything looks great so far, boys. Just think about it, once this baby hits the internet at large I can make sure
everyone knows all my backstories and my latest musical numbers!" you said proudly. Picking up these two really was a great choice. You were a little hesitant at first- hiring on not-even-fourteen-year-olds wasn't something you did every day- but they were already paying dividends!
Hmm. They were doing a great job, so why not show off a little something of your own? You were just about to put the finishing touches on your latest inator. You ran back to your workshop.
---
Meanwhile, Candace Flynn was not having a good day.
She hadn't been having good days for most of the Summer. Ever since she was busted for vandalism, her mom had grounded her 'until she moved out'. Nowadays her daily routine consisted of sitting on her bed, watching daytime soaps, trying to follow Supreme Dictator Doofenshmirtz on social media, and keeping an eye on their incredibly creepy cat.
The spiteful little creature had been slinking around when he thought she couldn't see him, but she knew better! She might not be able to bust Phineas and Ferb for now, but that cat was
evil, he was
up to something, and she was going to prove it!
Thankfully, she was confined to the house instead of just her room. Otherwise she might've lost what little was left of her sanity. As Candace attempted to follow the lilac beast down the hallway, she tripped over a rolled-up blueprint.
"Phineas! Ferb! Stop leaving your plans for… huh." She turned the diagram over in her hands a few times. "Wait a minute. A Panzer? This isn't Ferb's handwriting! And this one! That missile isn't even compliant to the SALT Treaty! Phineas and Ferb would never be so reckless with their lack of permits!"
Candace squinted, turning her head slowly towards Kat. The horrible animal just sauntered away, slipping out the catflap with an almost mocking gait.
---
You took a look at the demographics for the 'Carpe Diem' platform as it entered the latter stages of its open beta. So far, things were looking up! There were already millions of visitors making dozens of posts every minute, and most of them seemed to like what they were seeing.
"I have to say boys, I'm impressed! When I asked you to pull this off earlier in the week, I was thinking to myself- aren't you a little young to be promoting a social media platform?"
"Yes. Yes we are!" Phineas said cheerfully. "That's why we hired a bunch of college students to act as interns and ensure wider demographic appeal!"
The room was filled with young adults sitting at computer terminals, some of them wearing headsets, some browsing on their phones, and-
"Hey! Karl! What are you doing here?! You already work for me!"
"Oh, right. Sorry, sir!" Karl stood up and ran off, presumably back downstairs.
"Hey," Phineas said. "Where's Kat?"
"Back at home," Ferb replied. "He's a cat, they don't go out much."
---
Twenty-nine floors below them, the newly christened 'Agent K' was dragging a sack full of processor boards, scrapped robotic parts, discarded coffee machines, and other assorted electronics across the floor.
Carl stared at the animal dragging a bag of dangerous machine components across the lobby. "A cat?"
Kat froze for a moment, then reached from behind his back and pulled out a brown fedora.
"Ohh, Agent K. Hah, sorry, didn't recognize you."
Kat stared at Carl.
"Soooo, uhhh… Whatcha doin'?"
"Miaow mow me me miaow."
"Oh right. You can't talk." Carl thought for a moment. "I know. You must be moving into your new base at the Flynn-Fletchers! How about I give you a hand?"
"Miaow mow!" Kat yowled, shaking his head back and forth.
"Come on, I insist!"
---
You removed the white tablecloth that covers your latest machine with a flourish!
"Behold! The For-Want-Of-A-Sandwich-inator!"
"Ooooh, cool!" Phineas said. "What's it do?"
"Well, as the name implies, it helps you out whenever you want a sandwich! You see, there I was working on my latest project when I got a little hungry. Now, I know I
could just go over to the fridge and make myself a sandwich, but who has time for that? So instead, I built a reality warping machine to just materialize a sandwich for me out of nowhere!"
"Isn't that a little needlessly complicated?"
"No! No it's not!" You pressed a button and with a hum of electronics a reuben sandwich materialized out of nowhere on a paper plate!
"Hey, thanks." Experiment 625 pulls himself off of your couch, grabs the sandwich before anyone else can mention anything, and shoves it all in his mouth before returning to his marathon of
El Matador de Amor.
"Hey! That was mine!" Indignantly, you stab at the button again, this time pulling in a triple-decker pastrami on rye.
"Uh, Dr. D?"
"Yeah?"
"Where do all those sandwiches come from?"
"Eh, no idea. Probably not important."
---
Candace was convinced that she had a new purpose in life. Being confined to the house made it much harder to bust her brothers, especially when they were off working for an evil dictator, but that almost didn't matter because she had someone
new to focus on! That creepy cat was up to no good and now she was going to prove it!
Uncivil Disobedience had an article about ancient ninja techniques a few issues ago, and right now she was going to use one of the most cunning ones at her disposal… the ancient
cell phone camera no jutsu!
She crept down to the basement (since when had they had a
basement?) where the hairless abomination had made its lair. He probably
thought he could get away with it by making his mom think he just loved the clothes dryer, but Candace knew better! He was up to no good down here!
What could he be planning?! Was he building a nuclear missile? Was he brewing up a toxic plague?
Candace blinked as Kat yawned loudly, licked at one of his paws, and rolled over onto his back.
Was he… actually… sitting on the dryer?
"Could I be… wrong about all of this? This obsession that's controlled my life for the past few years? Freaking out over the smallest possible thing, torpedoing my relationships, even descending into committing misdemeanors?"
Kat's paw reached over to twist the dial on the washing machine.
"Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I need to rethink my life, and get-"
The washing machine popped open to reveal what Candace could only describe as a
techno Gatling gun, bristling with all sorts of evil electronic parts, at least two recycled blenders, and a couple of outmoded laser guns from the evil doctor's goon squad!
Candace's mouth dropped open. She raised her phone and snapped a quick picture.
"Wait!" Candace thought to herself.
"Something always happens to my phone so I can never show Mom! I know! I'll upload it online, and then it'll be there forever!"
A few seconds after Candace's camera flashed, the malevolent lavender entity squeezed the trigger on his weapon. A bar of artisanal soap shot across the basement with a sharp crack, smashing her phone a bare second after her finger left the 'upload' button.
Kat hissed.
"I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT! I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THIS SO I'M RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE TOO! MOM! MOM! OUR CAT IS BUILDING A SUPERWEAPON IN THE BASEMENT! PHINEAS, FERB, DOOFENSHMIRTZ, IT'S ALL TRUE! THE ZEBRA EXISTS, I KNOW IT!"
---
Elrik the Visigoth sighed. This whole 'internship' thing was a lot harder than he actually thought, especially since he was now expected to contribute actual work and have people depending on his input. The only thing that kept him motivated throughout the afternoon was the thought of the triple-decker pastrami on rye waiting for him in his lunchbox. It was his favorite type of sandwich, he made the pastrami himself, and-
Wait.
Where was the sandwich?! He had left it right here just a few hours ago! None of his coworkers could've stolen it, the lunchbox hadn't left his sight! Was… he just hallucinating from hunger? Was he finally going crazy after one too many forced musical numbers? Or could he have simply forgotten to pack it this morning?
Ugh. Well,
this certainly put a damper on his mood. He'd have to go
out for lunch, which meant waiting another thirty minutes in line, taking the bus all the way to the restaurant… it just wouldn't end! With an irritated huff, he absentmindedly groped for the flash drive with the final version of the Carpe Diem system. The higher ups wanted a solidified design document before he left for lunch? They would have one! Without double checking a single thing, Elrik uploaded the files and hit 'send'.
---
"MOM! MOM! YOU NEED TO COME HERE, RIGHT NOW!"
"Candace, I swear that if this is about Phineas and Ferb again, then-"
"No! Well, actually they made a social media platform, but that's not important. It's not about them!"
"Wait, really?"
"Yes! It's the cat this time!"
Linda groaned. She was definitely going to need to call that therapist.
Candace pulled out her backup phone and opened the app, when…
"Wait. Why is my photo behind a paywall?"
---
'Carpe Diem' had finally had an official release, and for the first thirty seconds, people couldn't be happier! Finally, an app that wouldn't steal your data, leak your documents online, or listen to you while you sleep!
Then they noticed what was hidden inside.
Cheap, horrible freemium games that suckered you in with shiny graphics and demanded multiple payments to progress more than a level. The most vicious array of popup ads anyone had seen since 2002. Weird, unsolicited emails from Brutopian Czars asking for the low low sum of $1,000 in order for them to send you a barrel full of bombastium! Even unskippable midroll political ads for Mayor Doom's re-election campaign.
VOTE. DOOM.
"I closed my phone," one man screamed. "But I can still see the eyes!!! It sees me from every angle!"
Within eleven minutes, the app's entire division had gone bankrupt.
---
"But but but but but but-" Candace stammered.
"What a surprise. It's nothing!"
"No, you
have to believe me! I don't have it on my phone, but it's right-"
"Huh! How about that! '404 Error'."
Candace turned her phone around to see the usual ENCOM web architecture page that bore a picture of a shattered disc alongside the words '404 ERROR' in ominous red font.
"Candace, I know you're frustrated about being grounded, but trying to blame things on the cat isn't going to help anything. You should find a constructive hobby, like knitting."
"But
mom! Our cat is
evil!"
"Of course he's evil, Candace, he's a
cat."
"I thought you said no one was evil!"
"Everyone knows housecats are evil. We love them anyway. Oh, speak of the devil, there you are, Kat."
Linda set a bowl of Fishy Frisky Bits onto the ground and scratched Kat's head as he approached. The felonious feline nuzzled up against her legs before smirking at Candace, teeth bared wide in an evil grin.
---
"Oh no! I'm so sorry! After all your hard work on that platform… what could've happened?!"
"Oh, don't worry," Phineas said.
"This happens a lot," Ferb amended.
"Huh, small world. Ah well." You sighed. "I suppose the digital populace is a fickle beast. CURSE YOU, SOCIAL MEDIA TRENDS!"
---
🎶🎸🎵
