Author's note: So, uh. This ended up being a lot longer than I thought.
I'll just go ahead and say that I used some theories and ideas from the thread, but please note to the people who made them: the character's feelings are not my own. If someone says something about your brain blast that you don't like, please know that those are the characters talking, and not me. Also, the characters speak of several things here that they do not know entirely about, and therefore make some bad assumptions. The errors they make are not mine.
Also, last warning: this is about 11,000 words long. Yeah.
Now, then. All that said. Let us all, all of us, take a momentary trip back into the past...
(My Love can Be) The Killing Kind
Wednesday, June 15th, 2016
~*~*~9:00 AM, Mountain Standard Time~*~*~
Doofenschmirtz Evil Board Meeetiiiiiiing~
"Evil morning, everybody!" Doctor Heinz Doofenschmirtz strode into the room, silencing the mild murmuring within with sheer force of enthusiasm. "Hope everyone's doin' well, and ready to face another day of villainy! I know I'm doing great; the smog is thick and black, the dinosaurs are barking with joy, and we're, all of us, all here together! One big evil family, ready to make today
terrible for our enemies! Alright, team, DEI on three! One, two, three – DEI!"
"DEI," most of the room found themselves chorusing, despite ... everything.
"That's the evil spirit!" Doofenschmirtz said, smile shiny and bright. "Seriously, really good for a first run-through! Was it good on you guys' end? It's supposed to be self-affirming; I picked it up from a self-help handbook for Evil Overlords I wrote myself."
"I know I'm enthused," 625 said, without opening his eyes.
"Then we're already on the right track!" Doofenschmirtz either overlooked the sarcasm or else, more likely, didn't even notice it. "Though, honestly, if any of you aren't feeling up to enthusiasm right now, I'll just come right out and say it:
totally get it. You've got those extra security measures you gotta wake up early for, this meeting was called pretty last-minute (that's on me), and the jingle's just
terrible. I mean, the guys in the recording studio made it work, but 'Board Meeting' has way too few syllables to really scan, right?"
"Ve'll survive the lack a' beauty sleep, I'm zure," Ludivine chuckled, her jab a little more light-hearted, good natured. "And de jingle, eh, not the
vorst I've heard."
"It is
distinctly subpar!" Technor disagreed. "To be called in on such short notice, and to not even have a proper orchestration waiting for one as brilliant, as superior, as
musically inclined as I?" He scoffed. "You are lucky that TECHNOR, THE MECHANICAL MAN is as far beyond sleep as a mere human is beyond egg-laying, or else he would have to LAY WASTE to you and all you hold dear with OVERWHELMING TECHNOLOGICAL FURY!"
"Would've liked some more warning, myself," Lizzy muttered, possibly not on purpose.
"Well, I can understand how inconvenient all of this is. So, just to show I appreciate you putting up with all this, feel free to take part in the catering!" Doofenschmirtz waved his arm over the …
plentiful amount of sandwiches covering almost every inch of the boardroom table. They hadn't been there, a moment before. "In addition to some of the finest Doonkleberry juice – imported from my home country – we've got horse milk, dinosaur milk, three types of coffee, and all the sandwiches you can fill your face with, thanks to our hard-working Dennis the Duck! Let's give him a hand, everybody!"
"I made every kind of sandwich I know how to!" Dennis exclaimed, over the light applause. "Plus some I don't!"
"Is vaguely worrying statement," Jumba said.
"NAH, ah, ah, ah. Hush, Doc," 625 said, rubbing his hands together with anticipation. "Ya don't interrupt an
artiste at work!"
"Gawrsh, he's even got papaya and ketchup!" Goofy said. "Why, I haven't had one of these since me and Maxie went on that fishing trip, back when he was jus' five years old!"
"Enjoy yourselves, everyone! Now, with that out of the way …" Hands on hips, chest puffed out. Occasionally, one had to remember that Doctor Doofenschmirtz had, in fact, put on some muscle. "Let's get the first Doofenschmirtz Evil Incorporated Quarterly Board Meeting – or, the DEIQBM - acronym to be improved upon later – underway!"
"A moment, Dr. Heinz, before we do?"
"Oh, yes, Mirage?"
"Sir, I believe you to be an excellent boss, and do not mean to question your competence," Mirage said, "But I cannot help but notice that you and the jingle both referred to this as a 'Board Meeting?'" A small, gentle smile. A small, gentle correction. "Unless there is a memo that I have tragically overlooked, I believe we more fit the position of 'employees' than 'Board of Directors'…?"
"Let it be known," Doofenschmirtz said, taking on a haughty, imperious tone, "That as ruler of nearly-enough a Tri-State area, words can mean whatever I want for them to mean! For example, heck," he indicated Russ, at random. "You're lucky I don't just change your name to Joe!"
"What?" Russ said, tragically dropping his ham-and-swiss-on-wheat to the floor.
"No, you are all the most important employees I've got at this company. That makes this a Board Meeting, I say, and what I say goes."
"Understood," Mirage nodded, "I withdraw any and all concerns."
"I, uh, have a couple new concerns to bring up…" Russ said.
"I'm not actually going to change your name to Joe."
"Thank the Stars and Stripes."
"Much as I hate to point it out," Monogram grumbled, "In the interest of doing things the
right way, I feel I should note that we are missing an entire division of our organization, one that has recently – I admit – done an outstanding job with most of the tasks they've been assigned." A single eyebrow raised. "Where the devil has L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N gone off to? My feelings on their … selves … aside, I can't
imagine they wouldn't have been invited."
"While we're at it," Hego said, looking around. "Perhaps I just need to start wearing prescription glasses instead of just disguise-glasses, but … I don't see anybody representing the Occult divisions anywhere in the room. Or Pleakley, my most trusted confidant, for that matter." His eyes narrowed. "Some of the people I care about most … could this perhaps be sabotage? Enemy action?"
"Now that you mention it," Wile E. Coyote said, looking around, himself. "Where
is Norm at? I had some questions I wanted to run by he and his sister, about the possibility of their systems interfacing with humor circuits through the medium of knock-knock jokes. Very high-level robotics work; most of you probably wouldn't understand."
"Well, unfortunately, even though I
invited everyone, some of them just ended up not being able to make it. Other projects, you know? Yeah, Pleakley and L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N had…"
0-0-0-0-0
"At last!" Pleakley cried out in jubilation, his reflection twisting strangely in the beakers and test tubes beneath the green light of the torches. (UV light was too intense for this kind of work. Could damage the specimen.) "At long last, the moment I've been waiting for has FINALLY arrived!"
"Sir," Rodney broke in at the respectful time. Rightful deferral to a superior mind. "The Flubber is fully charged."
"Eeeeeexcellent," Pleakley grinned with glee, tapping his latex-covered fingers together at rapid speed. "Dr. Diminutive?"
"Yeeeeees, master?" Dr. Diminutive asked.
"Throw. The. Switch."
"EHEHEHEHEHEHWEHEHEHEHEHEHNHEHE!"
To the cackling of Dr. Diminutive, and the gleeful chortles of the rest of the room, the switch was thrown, and what could only be called
lightning swarmed through the massive coils of copper arranged around the proceedings.
"Yes …
yes…" Pleakley squeaked. "It's working! Oh, it's
working!" Despite the inherent safety issues, oh, he just couldn't resist! He removed his safety goggles, and began to bask in the bright glow of his accomplishment. "Finally! At long last, my greatest creation will come to be!"
With a noise like a tornado, but backwards, and
sharper, the electricity coalesced into a single point, at the center of the room. A glob of amber, coated in chemicals unknown, arranged with mysterious runes.
For a moment, the torches winked out, and everything went dark.
There was a humming noise.
"Yes …" Pleakley repeated, as the shape at the center of the room grew. "
Yeeeees."
The other assorted scientists cowered, suddenly regretful, as the massive blob slowly gained form. Two transparent wings, the size of elephants. Six legs like tree trunks, chitinous and furred. Eyes, massive, multi-faceted, almost hateful in their inexpression. A proboscis like a lance, with a point like a needle.
And the
humming. The humming grew ever, ever,
ever louder.
"It's alive! It's ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!"
0-0-0-0-0
"...previous engagements."
"What about the rest of them?" Monogram asked. "Uh, Janna and Max? And your daughter?"
"Well, of course, the
kids aren't here!" Doofenschmirtz said, chuckling a little. "This, uh, this whole thing we've got going on here? You know, the projectors, and the table, and variation on the jingle? The citrus-scented air fresheners, all that jazz! That's all grown-up business talk. Stuff like that, geeze, when I was a kid,
I sure would've been bored to tears with it all!"
There was a round of general assent, as Heinz nodded at his own words.
"...oh, also the murder plans. That too."
Wile. E Coyote performed some bizarre cross between a spit-take and just plain choking, which seemed to accurately reflect the general mood of the room. Except for Temujin, who was just nodding, as though conceding a point.
"Anyway, now that that's out of the way, let's get to reviewing our progress this last quarter!" Doofenschmirtz pulled a few pieces of paper from, quite literally, up his sleeve (despite his labcoat having pockets) and hummed. "Now, since this meeting was pretty last-minute, we're not gonna have a lot to go over, here – everyone basically already knows what we've got going on, anyway, right? But we're starting to grow as a company, and I'm starting to think this meetings are gonna become more and more necessary to keep track of everything, so, next quarter, we're gonna go full-bore on the charts and graphs. Sound good?"
"Did -" Mirage seemed to be genuinely off-balance. "Did you say -"
"Murder?" Hego asked, more quietly.
"First order of business," Doofenschmirtz said, heedless. "We've made some crucial headway into blazing new trails for Artificial Intelligence to follow in the future! Most of you have already met our, ah, Princess Coffee Java, but for those of you not in the know, she's the bookkeeper for basically our entire Tri-State area!"
"Let's all just calm down, now, everybody," Goofy said. "Wait and see, here."
"Oh, yeah, she's totally unbelievable!" Doofenschmirtz said, apparently misinterpreting to the greatest degree possible. "Seriously, our half of Colorado basically runs itself at this point. I'm – I'm really proud of her, to be honest? But anyway. Our Occult division, which is mostly Janna right now, is preparing to Excavate Chicken Itza even as we speak. Felldrake tells us there's a
lot of gold and goodies down there, so! Projections for next quarter are looking WAY up!"
"We've, ah, set aside some funding for the upcoming magical auction this October as well, correct?" Mirage asked, slowly regaining the footing she'd lost.
"Short-term and long-term plans covered! Not to mention we've got our very own Wile E. Coyote pulling overtime – don't think I didn't notice that, now – figuring out how to make ACME's Express Delivery system work for us!"
"It is -" Wile E. coughed once. Leftover coffee. "It is a humble undertaking. Anyone could do it, really. Why, for a super-genius such as myself, oh, I half-expect to have come up with the answer by the end of this meeting!"
Silently, Russ passed him a napkin.
"Ah, thank you, my friend" Wile E. took it with a smile. After a moment, he grabbed a chicken-turkey-jackdaw sandwich as well. "Much appreciated."
"Which brings us to our last major movement this last quarter," Doofenschmirtz said, as Wile E. wiped himself down. "Food production research is proceeding apace! The days of nothing but cricket and bratwurst for every other meal are almost over!"
The room cheered again, unprompted, this time. It wasn't
everyone, but it was definitely a start.
"We did hit a
minor setback in these avenues, what with not being able to accept that Toffee guy's Corn Deal," Doofenschmirtz continued, before laying out the papers he'd brought in before him. "But us sciencey types project that, as long as current research continues at the speed we've got it going on, we
should be able to farm dinosaur meat by the end of the year!"
"What was so wrong with the corn deal, anyway?" Dennis asked. "I don't exactly have a head for business, sure, but food? That's something I've always understood. And Toffee's corn seemed like a slamwich dunk to me!"
"I'm glad you brought that up, Dennis," Doofenschmirtz knew a perfect segue when he saw one. "For you see, with our previous quarter roughly reviewed, we have no choice but to set our eyes on the future." Doofenschmirtz slowly stood, pulling a remote out of his
other jacket sleeve. "What say we all move on to the big topic of the day: our primary goals for the next quarter? Or should I say, primary
goal, for the next quarter, because we're only focusing on
one project, here. Just one! Buuuut it's a bit of a doozy. Lots of sub-projects wrapped up in it."
He cleared his throat.
"Behold, Doofenschmirtz Evil Incorported's Board of Directors! Bear witness to the brilliant, unfathomable, soul-crushing MAJESTY of my NEWEST EVIL PLAN!"
With the press of a button, several things happened at once or nearly enough. The lights dimmed, firstly, so that one couldn't tell the peanut-butter-on-rye sandwiches from the everything-and-the-kitchen-sink-bagel sandwiches. Next, came the screen, almost as large as the entire back wall, descending from the ceiling. Then was the projector, raising itself from the floor as Doofenshmirtz stood aside. Finally, with the strange noise of film reels despite the presentation being entirely digital, an image appeared on screen.
The image was of a lizardman in a business suit, staring blankly out from the screen. Written above him, in bold, italicized, sans serif font, were the words,
HOW TO KILL AN EVIL IMMORTAL WIZARD LIZARD FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION.
"Ooh!" "Whoof." "Ah." "Neat!" "I think I've seen that movie, actually."
"Alright, details," Doofenschmirtz said, producing a pointer from … somewhere. He did seem to be out of sleeves. "This guy's name is Toffee, but don't let that fool you! He is
not a sweet fella." He paused for effect, then smiled at the general audience. "Whaddya think? "Pretty clever, huh? Been workin' on that one for a week!"
"Eh, not bad." 625 shrugged, simultaneously reaching out for one of the frankly enormous number of sandwiches sitting in the middle of the table. "Solid six out of ten."
"Well, I'm glad to finally see you showing some interest in something besides sub sandwiches for once," Doofenschmirtz said, with only a hint of the bitter about it. "A-a-anywho, I've got a whole slideshow here with the run-down on this guy. Strengths, weaknesses, exact details of immortality, his whole beef with these people called the Mewmans, what the deal was about the corn thing, shoe size, ah-ah-ah-ah, you get the picture. So that's what this meeting is going to be about!"
Doofenschmirtz tapped his pointer against the screen, and there was a moment's silence.
"...is what I would
like to say, except I spent the whole week coming up with that 'sweet fella' thing and this meeting kiiiiinda snuck up on me. This
may be the only slide I have prepared."
"Understandable," said Russ, with only a hint of the sardonic about it.
"True genius can't be rushed!" Doofenschmirtz agreed, studiously ignoring the way Temujin, Technor, Monogram, and even Jumba's faces all sank into their palms with eerie synchronicity. "So, to rush into things: I'm just gonna tell you guys everything I know about Toffee off the top of my head."
"I'll take the liberty of compiling these notes into a report," Mirage said, opening her laptop. "For purpose of reference, of course."
"Oooh, twinsies!" Doofenschmirtz said, pointing back and forth between him and Mirage. "Behold! The
White-Board-inator! … Goofy, if you would please?"
With the squeak of wheels on linoleum, Goofy rolled the device from the corner of the room up to its front, turning off the projector as he did. A thumbs up of thanks from the boss, and he sat back down with a cheerful nod.
"Okay, so, to be honest with you all, this is just a regular whiteboard. Like I said, I got pretty distracted with that whole Toffee, sweet fella, thing. But! It'll still work for this meeting, even if it
doesn't automatically rate the chances of success of any particular plan on a scale from one to one-hundred, right?"
"is saying in mad scientist line of work," Jumba said, dodging around 625 to grab a sandwich of his own. "Is sometimes that best feature of something is 'not exploding'."
"Vise vords," Ludivine nodded.
"Agree to disagree," Doofenschmirtz waved them off, before turning and beginning to write on the board. "Like we already established, he's not from around here. He's from another dimension. Specifically, a place called 'Mewni.'"
"May I ask how that's spelled?" Mirage asked, still typing away.
"Y'know, I actually have no idea," Doofenschmirtz admitted. "Now where was I? Oh, right. Toffee's what those of you who've played Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons might call a 'Lich'. Basically a dark wizard who's done lots of evil stuff to make himself into an immortal abomination."
"What's his phlyactery?" Monogram asked.
"Not intendin' any disrespect," Goofy said, "But if we knew that, wouldn't we be able to skip this whole meetin'? I mean, wouldn't you jus' find that there phlyactery and shoot some magic at it?"
"Ah, good point," Monogram nodded, before doing a double take. "Wait, why do you know what-"
"Sorry about us interruptin' so much, Dr. D," Goofy said. "Promise ya we'll all keep our lips zipped now!"
"No, no, keep it up! Tell me if you guys need something clarified. We want everybody on the same page, here, after all." More squeaks of marker on whiteboard. "So, Toffee's immortal, and I think he's pretty old, to boot. Sorta gave off that impression at the Sands – oh, I met him at the Sands Gala, probably should've mentioned that earlier. He's a member of a race known as 'monsters', who have apparently been fighting against the royal family of Mewni for at least a couple generations now. Details are vague."
"So what's Toffee doing on terra firma if he's got his claws so full in Mewni, then?" Russ asked.
"Expanding. At least, as far as I can tell," Doofenschmirtz said. "War kinda ended up going bad for the Mewmans, lately. That devil girl you saw on the news a while back?"
"Mewman?" Temujin asked.
"She's their princess!" Doofenschmirtz said, topping the "Star Butterfly" he'd written on the board with a tiny crown on the 'S'. "And she's on the run. Like I said, war went bad for Mewmans, and that meant the war went
good for Toffee. He might also be after her, trying to wipe out the royal line? I'm gonna be up front with you all; we aren't sure about a lot of things, here."
"So our enemy appears to be some kind of Toon or Anthro, who has some business ventures centered around Echo Creek," Russ, ever the spy, summed up. "But in reality…"
"An immortal being with a planet-wide army of monsters under his control, with resources equaled to match, and a powerbase in a dimension currently inaccessible to us, who (if my initial psychological evaluations are correct) has an
incredible grudge to bear against the worlds at large." Technor smirked. "Finally! A challenge
WORTHY of the awesome power of TECHNOR, THE MECHANICAL MAN!"
"Don't forget that he's a wizard, too," Doofenschmirtz said. "The Mewman Royal Family had this magic wand, basically allowed them free access to their dimension's entire store of magical power, and you know, if
I was a conquering warlord, I'd definitely pillage
that first thing."
"Only zenzible," Temuijin agreed.
"'Magic', feh," Jumba scoffed. "'Arcane' energy field is well-known property of most universal models. Very potent source of energy; like coffee for other physical laws to get moving out bed; occasional reversal of normal entropic conditions. But is scienctific branch all its own, action and reaction with observal condition, just as anything else! For to say is something mystical, is not comprehensible, is -"
"Doh, ho, ho, ho, ho," Ludivine chuckled.
"… is bupkis," Jumba finished. "You are having problem?"
"No, no, nudding of de zort," Ludivine kept chuckling. "It's just, well, you know – ho! - you're speaking an awful lot of bupkis yourself, if you take a minnit to be liztenin'."
"Beg pardon?" Jumba said, voice a little low and dangerous.
"It's the zame argument I've been hearing from every von of my colleagues for two whole lifetimes now!" Ludivine chortled, uncaring. "'Another branch of zcience', please! Here, take a bit of advice; Imma gunna show you zome new ideas, here."
"Oh, this had better being good," Jumba grumbled, leaning back in his chair.
"I am Dokta Ludivine von Drake," Ludivine said, "Leading scientific expert on everything!"
"Yes, on backwater planet that is still reliant on lightspeed for WI-fi!"
"Uh … what is happening here?" Hego asked.
"But you know vhat I know about magic?" Ludivine continued, heedless.
"What's that?" Jumba asked.
"Nudding!" Ludivine said, cheerfully. "Because zcience and magic are
not de zame thing!"
"OH, PUH-LEASE!" Jumba roared, while 625 ducked his swinging arm. "THIS is your big argument! Ha! I am having half a mind to -"
"Lemme finish, you might oughta learn zomezing, today, maybe," Ludivine said, placing a finger on Jumba's lips. "Alright, fine, I'll admit my crimes: I did a teensy tiny bit of exaggeratin', you know how it is. Dere is
von thing I know about magic, from vatching the discompoppersnappers around here do deir hocusy-pocus."
"Oh, did you now?" Jumba half-shouted, pushing the finger aside.
Goofy guffawed his signature laugh. "Gawrsh, I didn't have a clue you two were datin'! But I'm happy for ya; ya seem like yer a great match!"
"Lemme break it down zimple for ya," Ludivine continued, seemingly not noticing, even as Jumba's eyes widened, breath catching. "Phyzics- all science, iffin you thinkin' about it – is de study of how da matter is interactin' vith da matter, correct?"
"Ah – correct," Jumba agreed, flat-footed.
"Vhereas da
magical fields of study," Ludivine said, "Are da study of how
ideas interact vith udda
ideas." She shrugged. "Very not zcientific, very not approachable for guys like us two, vhich is vhy you're so eager to dismiss it as just more zcience, BUT!" She stuck a finger in the air, sharpish. "Very
important, all de zame!"
"Huh," muttered Doofenschmirtz. "Is
that what the spellbook was getting at? Man, suddenly a lot of magic things are making a lot more sense."
"Perhaps you are having half a point," Jumba grumbled, gearing back up. "But that doesn't mean-"
"I beg your pardon," Mirage interrupted, "But to be frank, I believe you two can determine which of your degrees is the more important one some other time?" A single raised eyebrow, like the height of a guillotine. "We are here at this meeting for business matters, after all."
"Yeah, there's a
reason I secretly didn't even try to invite L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N," Doofenschmirtz said. "Take it outside, you two? Take a break, maybe calm down a bit?"
"Ah, no need for dat," Ludivine said, scratching the top of her bill, blushing a little. "De larger point I am trying to get myself at here is dat, magic is ideas. And I'm a physician, not a magician!" She leaned forwards. "But it zeems to me dat de
idea of a monster casting down a kingdom, and takin' it for deir own … stealing all de magic a vorld has got for demzelves, and corruptin' it …"
"Is powerful idea," Jumba grunted out, slowly nodding.
"And that makes Toffee a powerful wizard," Monogram said. "The sort of man who
would and
could conquer an entire world. Much as I hate to admit it, we may not have the resources to take him on, let alone his entire army."
Silence, dim, dark, yet darker, descended into the gloom, as everyone let that particular idea stew like a bad bowl of borscht.
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…" Dennis hummed.
"Well, that's what my Board of Directors is for!" Doofenschmirtz, never one to pass up on a good segue, grappled the whiteboard and prepared to flip it over. "BEHOLD, I give you-"
"Why?"
The flipping flopped. "Beg pardon?"
"Why put us into such a dangerous position?" Russ, ever canny, gestured with his pastrami and swiss with tomato. "What gain could possibly be so important that you'd set us against, if you'll pardon the poetry, the monster hiding in this world's closet?"
"Von should nevva ztrike from a disadvantageous position unless von is desperate." Temujin leaned forwards, resting his arms on the table, looking his descendant in the eye. "Tell me, Doctor, dat ve are
not dat desperate."
The weight of expectation was heavy, and for a moment, Dr. Heinz Doofenschmirtz faltered beneath it.
"Ah, well, you see … it all started with…" he fiddled with the marker in his hand, then laughed, waving the idea off. "Eh, what am I saying! Now's not the time for backstories, I, heh, none of you are even my nemesis!"
"I could be your nemesis for the meeting, if it would help?"
"It's appreciated, Hego, but it won't be necessary," Doofenschmirtz said, gaining steam. "For you see, to put it simply, I have always dreamed of conquering the
entire world!"
The
Dramatic-Thunder-Inator went off, as programmed.
"Buuuut – loophole! I never specified
which world!" Doofenschmirtz laughed evilly. "Imagine, if you will, the smog-choked skies of Doofania spreading out over an entire planet – the darkening of an entire alien sky! Imagine an entire population of populations, giving up all their magical might to ME, DOCTOR DOOFENSCHMIRTZ!"
Twice in one minute. A new record.
"Never has the cause of evil been more clear to me!" Doofenschmirtz continued. "Why, I ask, do the danger of breaking open the Masquerade? Why take the chance of the United States Government – no offense, Russ – fighting back against me? Why battle my way through Shego, and Doom, and Glomgold, and all those other guys … when I could just fight
one? You know what they say…"
Doofenschmirtz leaned forward, a genuine menace spreading through the room as he spread his arms across the table.
"Work smarter, not harder."
Three times. Two minutes. Their boss hadn't been quite
this on fire in a while.
"Doofenschmirtz Evil Incorporated has been restricted to the Tri-State area for TOO LONG! You think your employee benefits, your vacation days, you think you're living the good life now? IMAGINE the life of luxury you'll have when we go national! International! INTERDIMENSIONAL! By advancing the cause of EVIL, you can -"
"Dr. D."
Doofenschmirtz stopped short.
"Y'ain't gotta lie to us."
Goofy's voice was calm, concerned, caring. And it echoed, somehow – reflected off all the looks on the faces of everyone else at the meeting.
"I gotta admit, walkin' in this meeting …" Goofy breathed in slow, exhaled all at once. "It was a little surprisin', and a little scary, to hear you talkin' about killin' somebody. Even somebody as crooked-soundin' and … and downright
evil as this Toffee character." He nodded, seeming to firm up. "But I bit my tongue, and tried to go along with it. Y'know why I did that, Heinz?"
"Uhh." Doofenschmirtz fiddled with the cap of the marker. "Why's that?"
"Because I trust ya," Goofy said, with a small smile. "You've done so much for everybody. In this room, and outside of it, in all Doofania. Us Toons, especially. You got me and my son really incredible jobs, you're lettin' Tobe and the gang crash on your couch. Heck, Dr. D, you're keepin' the whole Tri-State area from starvin', far as I can tell!" He considered for a moment. "If you say that this Toffee's gone rotten, and he needs to be tossed out, then … I believe that you've got a darn good reason for sayin' that. Even if you don't wanna admit it."
"You are too soft-hearted for muderous intent," Jumba said, not unkindly.
"Last week I accidentally ordered the wrong sandwich at the cafeteria," Mirage paused in her typing to smile at her boss. "You not only bought me a new one, but if you recall, you gave me a stipend so that I could try everything on the menu for free, just in case."
"I wouldn't be the person I am today without you," Wile E. Coyote said, uncharacteristically humble.
"Let's put it to a vote," Russ said, just, the slightest of smirks. "Who here thinks 'the Doof' has better reasons for sparking an interdimensional incident than he wants to let on?"
Every hand in the room went up, some more reluctantly than others. Except 625, who just sort of nodded.
"No! No, no, no, no, no!" Doofenschmirtz panicked, a little. "It's not like that! No, listen, you see, the thing is -"
"It's Janna," Lizzy said.
"Oh." "Huh." "Ah, that would explain it." "Yeah, that tracks."
"Lizzy," Doofenschmirtz grumbled, rubbing at his eyes. "You know, tragic backstories are
private things? I was trying to
avoid bringing hers up, thank you very much."
"She's been talking about it with me," Lizzy shrugged. "I don't think she'd mind."
"
Urgh, fine, but I'm only gonna go over the pertinent details. I'm not gonna go all all blabbermouth about everything my interns say. Fastest way in the world to get a whoopee cushion in your peanut brittle." Doofenschmirtz cleared his throat. "Alright, so … I mean,
I'm only doing this so I can rule that whole other world, you know, pillage and conquer in the name of evil, but Toffee's … well. Toffee's after Janna."
And now, for the fourth time, the
Dramatic-Thunder-Inator went off. It might have needed recalibrating.
"I mean, I
think he is," Doofenschmirtz shrugged. "He's uh, sort of a mysterious guy. But, you know. Star Butterfly – you remember her, she's the princess? - yeah, she came here to Earth a couple years back. Echo Creek, actually, where Janna's from."
"They vere friends," Temujin said. It wasn't a question.
"...yeah," Doofenschmirtz sighed. "She and another kid. Marco Diaz. Star went back when she heard Toffee was attacking. Marco went after her. Things didn't go well." He shrugged again. "Ever since then …"
Silence.
"Janna's, uh, pretty scared of this guy, it seems like." he scratched the back of his neck. "And for good reason. Not to mention that she wants her friends back. So…"
"So we gotta take down this Toffee fella," Goofy said, in a tone – cheerful, yet – no room for argument.
"Hear, hear," Ludivine said, quietly.
"That's what your esteemed Board of Directors is for, Dr. Heinz," Mirage assured, smile soft.
Doofenschmirtz smiled back, for a moment, before -
"So BEHOLD!" he flipped the whiteboard over to its other side, where IDEAS ON HOW TO KILL AND/OR OTHERWISE DEFEAT TOFFEE was written at the top, the second E on 'Toffee' squeezed in because the rest of the letters were slightly too big. "The greatest collaborative effort of evildoing this company has yet embarked on!"
Everyone "ooh"ed and "ahh"ed dutifully.
"The rest of this meeting's gonna be spitballing; seeing what we can make stick. You get what I mean?"
"It seems like you've already got a couple ideas for this … endeavor …" Hego pointed out, still a little hesitant.
"Yeah, figured I'd start the list off with a couple of my own brilliant flashes of insight." There were three, actually:
"Invent a Kill-Toffee-Inator," "
Turn Toffee's own Armies Against Him," and "
Lava. Lots of Lava." "But even then, the problem was - oh! Thought of another one!"
Quickly, "
Swap Bodies with Toffee and Kill the Old Me," was added to the bottom of the list.
"Yeah, everything I come up with seems …
vaguely workable, but they've got all these caveats attached, y'know? Uncertainties." Doofenschmirtz turned back to his crowd. "What we need is a 100% bonafide guarantee!
That's where you all come in."
"The colony can accomplish what the queen cannot."
"Well spoken, Lizzy," Technor said. "Though I regret not being able to further enlighten you all to the splendiferous wonder of TECHNOR, THE MECHANICAL MAN, for the remainder of this meeting, I'll be turning my ego module off and devoting as much processing power to ideas as I can."
"Am not used to collaborative mad geniusing," Jumba said. "Buuuut will attempt my best shot at hitting all our targets."
"Dum, dum, dum … budda buh…" Dennis, who had seemed out-of-it for the past several minutes, continued grumbling.
"Alright then!" Doofenschmirtz declared. "Let's get to it! No worries about quality, just let those brainwaves flow freely, come on! No matter what, we'll write whatever you have to say on the whiteboard, here. There are no bad ideas, so lay 'em on me!"
"Think I've got it," 625 said, raising his pumpkin-on-pumpernickel in the air.
"Really? Huh," Doofenschmirtz scratched his head. "Wow, you … you're usually a lot less active than this. 625. Sure, what've you got?"
625 put his sandwich in his mouth, whole, chewed, swallowed, then burped, before reaching for another sandwich. "I always say, go for the simplest option. How about we toss Toffee into the sun?" Another sandwich, this one fish and chips, down the gullet. "Mmm. Good stuff, Dennis. Anyway, we've got a GalFed ship laying around, gathering dust, right? Might as well use it."
"...into the sun," Doofenschmirtz murmured, writing it at the end of the list. "Seems a little ambitious, but who knows! Maybe we can do something with that!"
"Trust me," 625 said , through a third (and fourth, and fifth) sandwich. "It'll work."
"We'll work on it!" Doofenschmirtz pumped his arm. "So, come on. Who else has got an idea?"
~*~*~9:24 AM~*~*~
"Let's find ourselves a thunderstorm, and then tie him to a lightning rod."
"What rope is gonna withstand a second lightning strike?"
"Aw, shucks."
~*~*~9:30 AM~*~*~
"There's always the poison route. Wouldn't kill an immortal, but they'd be permanently weakened?"
"If you don't die, the effects go away as your body flushes out the poison. That's always been the rule."
"Right, right. Poisons 101, I should know that."
"Eh, it's not a bad first step?"
~*~*~9:38 AM~*~*~
"Perhaps we need to gather more information. If we were to send someone to seduce him, we may be able to find out his weakness that way?"
"Ew."
~*~*~9:39 AM~*~*~
"I'm just gonna bring it up one more time: let's throw this guy into the sun."
~*~*~9:40 AM~*~*~
"We do own ACME Incorporated, as you might recall," Wile E. Coyote said. "As long as we set up the situation so it's funny, I'm positive that we'll have
something in stock that can take care of a stray lizard, wizarding or otherwise."
"How often do those things
not backfire on you?" Doofenschmirtz asked.
"Uh, well, that is -"
"About eleven percent of the time," Russ said.
"Traitor."
"Anything but." Russ murmured. "There's always the good old magical standby. The power of love is the most enduring narrative convention for a reason."
"Am having strenuous objections against this," Jumba said. "We are
evil company. Is bad PR!"
"And I'm divorced," Doofenschmirtz grumbled. "I mean, I'll write it on the board, but good luck getting anything lovey-dovery going at DEI, that's all I'm saying."
~*~*~9:44 AM~*~*~
"When all else fails…"
"Yeah?"
"Stab it again."
~*~*~9:45 AM~*~*~
"Encase him in cement? Toss this Toffee character to the bottom of the ocean?"
"If I were immortal," said Russ, "Being eternally trapped somewhere is the first thing I'd find a defense against."
"Then what if we could imprison him in pieces, instead of altogether?" Monogram continued. "Like I always say to our agents, if you can't put a
stop to something, you can at least slow it down. Keep him, y'know, not-regenerating, like a normal person, for half an hour.
Then we bring out the cement!"
"One thing goes wrong," Russ said, leaning forwards, "And we've got ourselves a dozen different flavors of Toffee to deal with. One from a finger, one from a tail -"
"ZAT'S IT!" Ludivine broke in. "Alright, everyone, here's vhat ve gonna do. First! Ve tear Toffee in half. Zat's step von. Next, step two und final, ve turn de two Toffees AGAINST each other!" She leaned back in her chair, hands behind her head, looking smug. "Can't defend against a trap you set for youself. Trust me, I vould know." She chuckled. "Zey'll be evenly matched for all eternity, and therefore, oudda our hair, feathers, and vhatever else ve got us goin' on up dere!"
"Mm-hmm. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay," Doofenschmirtz nodded. "You, uh, you remember how I said at the top of the meeting that there are no bad ideas?"
"I mean, it worked in El Matador de Amor."
Everyone stared at Mirage.
"...oh, I see. I said that out loud." She cleared her throat. "Apologies."
~*~*~9:48 AM~*~*~
"What if we just … take Mewni and … push it somewhere else?"
"I don't understand how that solves the problem."
"uh"
~*~*~9:55 AM~*~*~
"If force ain't gonna do it, we need us some trickery. I say, we brew a potion of thought enhancement, or, whatever you'd call it."
"Help us think better?"
"Help Toffee think
faster. We present it in that light, but when he drinks it, he finds that all his thoughts and perceptions have sped up to an incredible extent! Thousands of years go by in seconds! By the relative time the potion wears off -"
"What kind of magical ingredients do you think we
have?!"
~*~*~9:57 AM~*~*~
"Maybe we can make his regeneration work
for us. You were just talking about our research into expanding the food supply, right?"
"Lizard
does taste just like chicken…"
~*~*~9:58 AM~*~*~
"Perhaps some kind of growth ray might do the job of immobilizing him?"
"Afraid I don't follow?"
"Are you familiar with the Square-Cube Law?"
"You're suggesting we should collapse Toffee under his own weight?"
"Is not bad idea, but … every technology utilizable for growth or shrink or growth again has, ah, protections for such thing built-in. Is being matter of physics - universe not liking losing mass or energy."
"And even if did manage to bypass that, what're the odds that, whole dimension's magic at his fingertips, Toffee'll just cast a shrinking spell on himself?"
"Ah, come on, guys. I think it's an idea with some real
growth potential. Huh? Huh?"
"
Ugh."
~*~*~10:00 AM~*~*~
"Let's say, for the sake of the hypothetical, we manage to get Toffee over a barrel on something," Russ said, moving to the side so Ludivine could reach her favorite, the sardine and strudel special. "We get something he needs, or … 'acquire' something of his that he wants back."
"If you thinking he'd offer to off himself," Jumba rumbled, "You're being crazy."
"We wouldn't ask that much," Russ waved him off. "Just a touch. A piece of him, to remember our victory by. A finger, maybe." He shrugged. "We could take it back home and study it at our leisure. Figure out what makes his regeneration tick, and what'd make death … stick."
"And vhat prevents him from simply assaulting us to get his finger back?" Temujin asked. "Even accounting for da Masquerade, dere are many vays to invade a territory."
"Thaaaat's the sticking point," Russ acknowledged, hitting the back of his chair hard. "We'd basically be painting a giant target on our backs. I doubt there's an asset deniable enough that he couldn't
eventually trace them back to us."
"If I may offer a suggestion?" Hego asked, raising his hand.
"Hego?" Doofenschmirtz asked, blinking hard a few times, before let out a sort of uncertain giggle. "Oh, wow, I – I'm sorry, I just – I just wasn't expecting you to be so gung-ho on this! Wow, never thought I'd see the day you'd take the initiative on this whole 'villainy' thing we've got goin' on… but, yeah, no, sure! Hit us with what you've got!"
"Thank you," Hego said, standing, and clearing this throat. "Ladies, gentlemen, and those unspecified. I understand the urge to fight evil, in all its forms, and I recognize the inherent nobility and goodness of attempting to protect those who cannot fight back. But listening to all your suggestions, I cannot help but believe that we're going to go too far in our righteous crusade, and become the very thing we have sworn to fight. To quote the late Abraham Lincoln -"
"Oh no," Russ muttered, massaging his temple.
"'Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?'"
"Huh," Doofenschmirtz said. "I have the weirdest urge to call Shego and … apologize?"
"We've been so focused on how to stop something inhuman, that we've completely overlooked our own humanity." Hego shook his head. "Are we sure we should be asking how to destroy Toffee's body? Should we not instead ask what we can do … to save his soul?"
"
That's what that sub sandwich was called," 625 said, "A hero!"
"Could it be that what we need – no. What
he needs is someone to talk to? A shoulder to cry on, perhaps? A heart for his heartlessness to have a heart-to-heart with. A true friend, a one-of-a-kind-pal, a bonafide buddy!" Hego seemed to grow as he spoke, filling the room with his presence, capturing everyone's eye as though he were standing a mere foot or two away. "For deep down - perhaps
very deep down, but still there! - Toffee
must have a capacity for good." A fist to his heart, and clenched, impassioned, Hego drove forwards. "All we need is to appeal to it, and I'm certain that he'll see the error of his ways! Why, surely, Toffee can't be
all bad, right?"
0-0-0-0-0
Beneath the shade of a rocky alcove, somewhere in the middle of a desert in Nevada, Star Butterfly awoke, slowly sitting up in her sleeping bag.
"I don't know why," she murmured, eyes narrowing at the northeastern horizon, "But I think I wanna punch a superhero in the face."
0-0-0-0-0
"Hego," Doofenschmirtz said, quickly, before his employee could really get going again. "Look, I … here at DEI, we appreciate having different perspectives on our team. Your personal point of view is, is valued! And
necessary. I mean, I can't count the number of times you've pointed out something to me that I would've
never noticed myself!"
"Sir," Hego deflated, just a little.
"But the thing is, there's no one-size-fits-all solution for every problem the company's going to encounter, y'know what I mean?"
"Sir, I must object to -"
Doofenschmirtz sighed. "I really do get where you're coming from, here, but I'm, I'm sorry to say -"
"This isn't what I want to DO with my life!" For just a moment, with a noise like cracking stone, the room glowed blue. "You told me, when you hired me on, that I would be – that I would be
helping! Helping the weak and defenseless!"
"And you are! WE are!" Doofenschmirtz said, trying not to draw attention to the crack in the table that had formed beneath Hego's palm. "The whole point of kill … the whole point of tracking down Toffee is to protect -"
"The whole
point of being a superhero is to be a
protector," Hego boomed. "Not judge! Not jury! NOT EXECUTIONER!"
"Easy, big fella," Goofy began, but -
"You think I
want to be the bad guy on this one?!" Doofenschmirtz shot back. "You think I
want to send my friends,
the people I care about, into battle with some – some
monster that crawled out from magic's seedy underbelly?!"
"Let's all take a moment to breathe, here," Technor calmly said, rising from his own chair. "Perhaps a ten-minute -"
"I can't support you doing this," Hego said, quieter. "I know you have your reasons, and, sir, I
don't think you're a bad person – no matter what you say, and no matter what the sign out front says, either." He breathed in, soft, slow. "But I can't. I just. Just..."
Hego bit his lip, then sighed.
"Effective immediately, I am tendering my -"
"Hego," Lizzy said. Quiet-like.
Hego turned to her, sudden, sharpish. Eyes wide, as though just remembering the rest of the room were there. "Ma'am?"
"He made Janna cry."
And they all just, sort of, stewed in that thought, for a few moments.
"On. Uh, that note," Doofenschmirtz said, a tad awkwardly. "Look, Hego I … I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blown up at you like that. If …" he sighed. "If you really want to leave, then we have some pretty excellent severance options I think-"
"No." For a moment more, Hego considered this. "No, no. I ...I still can't quite
approve…" he finally hedged, sitting. "But I can see where you're all coming from, on this. It's …" he exhaled, cheeks puffing out. "A different perspective, and I can appreciate that. I apologize for my outburst, as well."
Awkward silence, for a time.
"That ten minute break sound good to anyone else?" Doofenschmirtz said, eventually.
To general agreement, the room evacuated to the nearest vending machine. The things Dr. Heinz Doofenschmirtz tolerated for his employees, sheesh.
~*~*~10:15 AM~*~*~
"So, let's jump right back into it! Who thinks they've got the next big idea?"
"Sun-throwing."
"Who else?"
"We could play Gitchie Gitchie Goo at extreme volumes in the direction of his castle until he has no choice but to surrender?"
"NOW we're talkin'!"
~*~*~10:17 AM~*~*~
"What if we impersonated a major demon? We con Toffee into pledging his soul to us for power –"
"'Cause he's immortal!"
"Got it in one! Toffee ain't gonna die; what's he to be afraid of?"
"What've
we got to be afraid of? The soul of a mad warlord, vicious with hate, and steeped in darkest magic … as little as I know of the occult, that sounds …
troublesome, to contain in any meaningful fashion."
"That's the genius part -we find an
actual major demon, and sell Toffee's soul for a way to kill Toffee!"
~*~*~10:20 AM~*~*~
"When all objectives fail, fall back to relativity. If we can force Toffee to move at a speed close enough to light, for a long enough time, he'll move to the end of the universe while time passes the rest of us by, and the Big Crunch will make him stop being our problem."
"Counterpoint: does relativity
work on beings unaffected by time?"
"Counterpoint the second one: hyperdrive technology is allowing for beyond-lightspeed travel. Yet we have yet to find edge of galaxy, let alone universe, whether you are speaking in time or space."
"Counterpoint three-sees: again, Toffee can travel through dimensions. What stops him from just, like, cutting away?"
"Philistines, all of you. Philistines."
~*~*~10:26 AM~*~*~
"Hmm." Goofy murmured. "Y'know, I think I might have somethin', here. Although, come to think of it, it is kinda somethin' we've already got up there..."
"Nuh, uh, none of that!" Doofenschmirtz declared. "You're my Head Janitor for a reason, Goofy. I've always valued your advice!"
"Well, thanks, Dr. D! That's mighty swell of you ta say!" Goofy said, as everyone else tried to put the incongruity of the statement together with reality.
"Mrm mrm mrm…" Everyone except Dennis.
"So what I have ta think is …" Goofy scratched his chin. "Your -inators are always doin' some pretty durn amazing things, Doc. What if we happen to make us a, uh, a
Dis-spelling-inator?"
"Something to get rid of magic," Doofenschmirtz considered. "You know, I'd thought of that, but I really don't know the first thing … well, I do know the first thing, thanks to that spellbook Grunkle Malefichmirtz gave me, but I don't know the
sixth thing about -"
"Oh, not like that," Goofy said, "More like, uh … you write the word "Immortal" on the side of it, and then, you cross out the "IM". Then you can shoot Toffee with a Mortal-yzing ray!"
"That is -" Jumba coughed. "That is not in any way, shape, form, or conceivability of mind any kind of scientific -"
"Oh, that's a great idea, Goofy!" Doofenschmirtz said. "Only problem is, I already made one of those a couple years back. Called it the
De-Fix-Inator. Like, prefix-inator, but, uh, de, y'know?"
"Ah, yeah, that makes sense," Goofy nodded. "Can't exactly make the same thing you did before, can ya?"
"Yeah, I was angry about the words 'flammable' and 'inflammable' meaning the same thing."
"Shucks," Goofy commiserated. "We almost had somethin' there, too."
Jumba blinked, one set of eyes, then the other. Hard. "What."
"Ooh, what if we tossed him into the sun?" 625 asked.
~*~*~10:29 AM~*~*~
"Toffee might be powerful, but there's no way he's the strongest magical thing out there."
"What are you suggesting?"
"Demon plan 2.0. We do what any company do in a time of trouble, and make ourselves a deal."
"No! No way! Denied! Nuh-uh!"
"If we approach it carefully-"
"Fey
always ask for somebody's firstborn!"
"Oh, good point! Yeah, no, not doing that. Here I was, thinking that kind of thing only happened in Drusselstein."
"You've got deal-making fairies in Drusselstein?"
"No, but we
do have the DMV."
~*~*~10:32 AM~*~*~
"Is he an honorable sort? We may be able to win a duel by proxy."
"He's hunting down teenagers?"
"Which means he'll almost
certainly have trouble with fully-grown adults!"
~*~*~10:35 AM~*~*~
"We need not necessarily take on Toffee directly, nor alone," Mirage said. "It is less a full plan and more a suggestion, but …"
"Hey, no, none of that. We'll take whatever you can give us," Doofenschmirtz said. "Trust me, we … well, to be honest, we need all the options we can get, here."
"Very well," Mirage nodded, steepling her fingers. "Perhaps what we need most is … a helping hand, shall we say?"
"Allying with one of the other kings isn't a
bad idea," Russ said, "But I don't know that the Good Doctor has a carrot big enough to lead the warhorses towards Mewni. The U.S. Government certainly wouldn't be willing to get its hands dirty in this matter."
"Oh," Mirage smirked. "I'm certain that the honorable Judge Doom will be most cooperative in this matter."
"Feed Hawk a false trail," Russ affirmed. "Make him think that Toffee's an ally of ours, not an enemy?"
"Sweep up the losers when the dust settles," Mirage nodded.
"Collateral damage?"
"Toffee has yet to tip his four-fingered hand. Presumably, he has some reason for not wanting to escalate into open warfare."
"And Doom is hardly in a position to march armies himself." Russ considered for a moment. "It'd be a war of information, politics. It would weaken Toffee's rule, potentially, but …"
"A suggestion, not a plan," Mirage confirmed. "Designed to weaken, not to topple."
"Veaken the idea of him and veaken his magic," Temujin said. "If veak enough, his regeneration may be overcome, or nullified entirely. From dere, is zimple as zword to da heart."
"More than a few failure points, though," Technor pointed out. "For example, it's possible, though my observations put it as unlikely, that Doom and Toffee are already allies. Attempts to turn them against each other may then be unwise, in that scenario."
"Something to investigate further?" Russ asked.
"Agreed," Temujin nodded.
"I agree as well," Mirage said.
Everyone turned to Doofenschmirtz.
He rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, uh, at the Sands Gala, Toffee kinda talked to me a bit about Doom? He called him, uh … unimportant."
"Ah," said Mirage.
"I see," Russ murmured.
"Yeah," Doofenschmirtz paused. "Also, I don't think there's enough room on the board for all that."
~*~*~10:40 AM~*~*~
"Perhaps if Toffee will not go to death, we should bring death to him. We could summon ghosts upon his stronghold? Have them strike at his soul?"
"He'd certainly have enough bodies behind him. Even a few dozen wanting revenge -"
"Mewni vas a kingdom of magic. He is bound to haff defenses."
"Also, that's just
way too creepy."
~*~*~10:42 AM~*~*~
"Vhat is his method of immortality?" Temujin asked. "Invincibilty? Ressurective? Regenerative?"
"Last one," Mongram said.
"Ah, yes. I had forgotten. Da Two-Toffees plan," Temujin stroked his beard. "Magic is not all-powerful. No matter how impressive his abilities, he must have a limit. Perhaps it is as zimple as raising an army against him? Von sword vound ees nothing, true, but von thousand cuts may zlay a dragon."
"The numbers you're throwing out," Monogram said, leaning forwards. "You're describing an all-out war."
"So be it," Temujin said.
"Even ignoring Toffee's armies -"
"Ve'd be sending hundreds, perhaps thousands, to deir deaths, just fighting de beast alone. His
armies vould claim many thousand more." Temujin shook his head. "Such is var."
"I won't stand for that," Monogram warned.
"The world ees not alvays so kind as to offer zecond options."
Monogram's retort died in his throat. "Erm … I …"
"I vant nothing more dan for dis peace to continue," Temujin said, quiet, quiet, quiet. "But dis is da truth of life, in de end: people die."
The room was quiet.
"People have alvays died." His fists clenched. "Only dings like Toffee live."
"Not for much longer," Goofy said, just as quietly, setting a gloved hand on Temujin's shoulder. "We're gonna beat him. All of us, together. And ain't nobody gonna have to die to do it 'scept for Toffee himself."
Another bout of silence.
Eventually, Temujin looked to his descendant. "You haff given me life," he said. "I belieef you can give Toffee death." He inhaled. "Forget I zaid anyzhing."
"Never happened," Doofenschmirtz smiled.
And eventually, Temujin smiled back.
~*~*~10:49 AM~*~*~
"Another -inator idea. Something – like, a ray or something - to constantly apply a force to Toffee's body? Keep him crushed flat, or splattered against a wall?"
"If we had that kind of power, I wouldn't be so angry about energy-inefficient cars."
"Touche."
~*~*~10:52 AM~*~*~
"Plant a magic tree in him. It'll grow using his nutrients and bio-mass. Eventually, he'll be too much tree to do anything at all!"
"Do we have 'eventually'?"
"We'd better. He does."
"...wow, that's grim."
~*~*~10:57 AM~*~*~
"I still think we should try throwing him into the sun," 625 said, sandwich – miraculously – forgotten, for the moment. "I mean, we've got that GalFed ship just sitting there, collecting dust! And this is
me saying we're squandering something, here."
"Look, I appreciate where you're coming from -" Doofenschmirtz started.
"Then appreciate where I'm going to!" 625 said, standing up in his chair. "Look, I ain't sayin' it'll be
easy to get him into the ship, but once he's in there -"
"Easy, 625," Jumba said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "We are hearing what you are saying. Why not have another sandwich?"
"Oooh!" 625's eyes lit up as he sit down. "Don't mind if I do!"
Chomp.
"GalFed is monitoring planet for space-faring vehicles, at all times," Jumba said, slowly ruminating, as though he were discovering the things he was saying even while he was saying them. "Am hating to be saying it, but … perhaps solution we are after is not scientific one."
"Interesting," Technor murmured, "You're sure of that?"
"I … am having idea I am thinking will work." Slowly, he worked through his words. "But it isn't something us …. scientific types can approach. Is too much idea, not enough matter."
"Well, we're in the business of ideas, right now," Doofenschmirtz said. "Floor's yours, big guy!"
"Thank you," said Jumba, nodding. "So. Galaxy is big place, full to sardine can with strange and mysterious things. Magic pops up now and again, but, eh, is uncommon. Anomalous, is word. You, uh, Toons, however -" Jumba laughed, from deep in his gut. "You are being very unique, even on spacefaring scale! No genetic code is recognize, move according to seemingly humor-based physical laws. Perhaps, ah, is anomaly
within anomaly?"
"Ahhh!" Ludivine said. "You are sayin' dat us Toons are, descended, lessay, from da universal magical field, due to certain Earthen, oh, watchamacallit, ah - zirumstanzes?"
"THERE is the nail you are hitting on broad side!" Jumba roared, and nearly half the assembled assemblage jumped in response. "Just so! And if that is case, proper spelling could cause Toonification process to override this lizard's natural immortal physiology!"
"From there, jus' be a matter of havin' Dip on hand," Goofy murmured, a little grim.
"Precise!" Jumba said. "Even if not kill, is certain to make for super effective injuries. Could at least force white flag."
"Hrm, erm…" Dennis muttered.
"Oh, ho, ho," Ludivine poked the side of Jumba's head. "Good to see you've taken up zhinking outzide de box of all ya preconceived notions! Observation, Hypothesis, Experimentation, Conclusion – dat's all dat really matters vhen you're getting' down to it, right?"
"Ah, am stepping ahead of you on this one," Jumba said. "You are going with this, yes? Is only hypothesis I am presenting?"
"Precisely," Ludivine said, gladly.
"Is not problem," Jumba declared. "Have worked from only hypothesis before. Have never had reason to complain about reasoning, heh, heh."
"It's true," 625 said. "Doc made me based on a hunch, and I turned out great!"
"...on second thought, am seeing point."
"Hey."
~*~*~11:01 AM~*~*~
"What if we bring his business suit to life? While he's wearing it?"
"No?"
~*~*~11:05 AM~*~*~
"If we make sure to keep Vanessa safe at home, we could borrow her
Teleport-Away-Inat-"
"
No."
"Okay, then."
"How about using magic to teleport him away, instead?...no, wait, the dimensional travel thing."
"Or, and hear me out here, what if we -"
"Throw him into the sun," everyone else in the room said, simultaneously, in monotone.
"...did I say that already?"
~*~*~11:11 AM~*~*~
"Anthill."
Everyone looked to Lizzy.
...
Everyone kept looking at Lizzy.
...
Everyone nervously started glancing between each other and Lizzy.
...
"...uh…" Doofenschmirtz finally said, "Could you … I dunno, expand on that? Maybe?"
"We could bury Toffee in an anthill," Lizzy said. "His regeneration would keep the colony strong for an eternity."
"Hmm, well, I don't mean to say your ants aren't capable, Miss Lizzy," Goofy said, as everyone else sort of. Winced. "But I'm not completely certain that's gonna be enough to keep an evil as big as that there Toffee restrained for all time."
"Also, uh, that's like, super-disturbing," Carl spoke up for the first time all meeting.
"His body will be the anthill which his soul is trapped inside." Lizzy paused, as something seemed to occur to her. "We could spike his food with a colony whose species are known to be quick excavators. I have a few options already in mind, though my therapist says I should be open to the suggestions of others."
"Noooot helping the "disturbing" thing!" Carl squeaked.
"Not to mention there's every chance that those ants could turn on you someday!" Mongram said. "As you well know, it only takes one."
"None will," Lizzy said.
"Well, then assuming their loyalty to you stands stalwart even in the face of your eventual demise, who's to say this fellow wouldn't just wrest control of the colony away from you? With some kind of, I dunno, ancient ant-controlling ritual, or something? Or even a modern one!"
"You may already be aware that ants are my territory," Lizzy said. "Familiarity and understanding allow me confidence in my control. I will be able to fight off whatever kind of sorcery he attempts. It is possible I will even be able to take over his body, if he attempts to link with my charges' collective mind directly."
"Muh huh…" Dennis groaned.
"Lizzy," Technor said, "That seems exceptionally dangerous."
"As I said, I am confident in my -"
"I do not believe that Janna would want you to put yourself in that direct a line of fire. Even for her sake."
Lizzy was silent, for a bit. "...that's not fair."
"I
am a supervillain," Technor said, with a slight smirk.
"Hrngh." Lizzy tapped her fingers on her thigh. "I will … keep thinking. Come up with something better."
She breathed out.
"I will beat him."
~*~*~11:19 AM~*~*~
"Always the nuclear option? Tell him this Star Butterfly's over the ocean somewhere, then drop a bomb on him."
"We're trying to go Greevil, remember? I'm not gonna turn the oceans atomic just to take out one single wizard lizard guy. Even if he is a jerk."
"That's how you get Godzilla."
"
Exactly."
~*~*~11:22 AM~*~*~
"Antigravity spell. Or ray. Or whatever, just – get him away."
"He's a wizard who can travel through dimensions; no way Toffee can't teleport."
"...we could do it while he's asleep?"
~*~*~11:24 AM~*~*~
"Picture this for just a second, guys – Toffee. The sun. Makin' the two meet like an open-face sandwich."
"Or! We go the opposite route. Let's drop a moon on him!"
"If I had a week, I couldn't list all the reasons why that plan wouldn't work."
"Okay, but here's the thing: first! We make a
replacement moon."
"If I had two weeks, I couldn't list all the reasons why that plan wouldn't work."
~*~*~11:30 AM~*~*~
"What do our antimagic avenues look like?"
"Dead ends."
"Mobius strips."
"Train tracks."
"Really feeling the optimism here, everybody. Exactly what I pay everyone for. Nothing like having a group of such go-getter employees to warm my shriveled-up evil mad scientist heart,"
~*~*~11:33 AM~*~*~
"Returning to Lizzy's suggestion for a moment – at least, broadly speaking," Technor calmly stated. "Toffee's mind may not be as immortal, nor as insurmountable, as his body is. Perhaps some kind of psychic shutdown? Braindeath is not the same as death flat out, true, but it would be effectively the same for our purposes."
"Mental powers are dependent on von's willpower," Temujin said "Eef zees lizard ees as ancient und powerful as you say, and posseses experience vith command, you vill not get very far een your attack."
"Well, it isn't as though we're fighting in a tournament," Technor rolled his eyes. "There's no particular reason it has to be one-on-one. If our hypothetical psychic were to link multiple allied minds together -"
"Ve vould annihilate each udda's minds long before touching on Toffee's," Temujin said. "Dat many thoughts een von connection vould be like arranging rocks into un avalanche and expecting a sculpture at de bottom of da hill."
Wile E. Coyote finished his confused blinking. "If, er, you do not mind me asking, my good fellow - how exactly do you know all of -"
"A childhood friend," Temujin said.
No more information was forthcoming.
"Perhaps if we were to, dare I say, combine the psychic blast idea with a super's cloning power?" Wile E. Coyote finally said. "Oh, ho, yes, I think we have it! A touch of cash, the proper mercenary team, and we've got ourselves multiple minds, all on the same wavelength – more than enough to even take a creature like Toffee down!" He laughed once again. "Oh, sometimes, my genius amazes even me!"
"Hmmm…" Dennis grumbled.
"Now hang on a second," Goofy spoke up, "Wouldn't that mean whoever it is has gotta have psychic powers
and copy powers? I don't wanna come across as rude, but it sorta seems unlikely ta me that someone like that'd even exist. And if we had one somebody doin' psychic stuff, and another somebody makin' copies -"
"Alas, our telepathic
mercenaire would be overwhelmed trying to be the conduit for his portable army friend. And I was so sure I had it!" Wile E. sighed. "Well, back to the drawing board."
"Less of a drawing board," Doofenschmirtz tapped the object in question with his pointer. "More of a, uh, writing desk gone vertical."
"We shall call it, 'Square Negative One'."
~*~*~11:40 AM~*~*~
"If ve cast a
second spell of immortality on him, maybe dey'll cancel each udda out?"
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but … are you trying to apply stack overflow to magical enchantments?"
"You're wrong! … it's really more of a, uh, double negative, sorta ding ve're hopin' for 'ere."
~*~*~11:42 AM~*~*~
"How about this for an idea: we throw Toffee into the sun!"
"Oh, for evilness' sake – we get it, alright? I wrote it on the board, and everything! We are thoroughly covered on all matters related to hurling, tossing, launching, and
especially throwing our enemies, immortal or otherwise, into the sun. We're
good." Doofenschmirtz sighed, dragging a hand down his face. "Sheesh, you're starting to sound like my mentor."
"I've got it!" Dennis suddenly shouted, standing up so fast his chair fell over. "Okay. This Toffee guy is, like, wicked, right?"
"Wicked-cool or wicked-evil?" Doofenschmirtz asked. "I-I-I'm not up on the lingo the kids are using nowadays, but I think maybe the answer is both? Possibly?"
"Close enough!" Dennis exclaimed. "Also, he's operating out of the far western reaches of America, right?"
"Los Angeles, California," Mirage said, raising an eyebrow. "In terms of absolutes, though, the outer reaches of the Alaskan wilderness are much further out-"
"Still to the western end!" Dennis enthused. "And, last but not least, Toffee's a wizard, right?"
"Abra Kadabra Alakazam, as they say." Wile E. said. "As far as I know of the arcane arts – not my specialized field, sorry to say - spellcasting's what being a wizard
means. Is that important?"
"Totally! 'Cause if he's a wicked wizard of the west," Dennis put his hands on the table, leaning forwards. "We
throw a bucket of water at him! And he'll
melt!"
The time allotted for this meeting before everybody had to get themselves back to regular work was precisely three hours. This made the solid minute of silence in response to this statement even more egregious than it might be otherwise.
"Y'know what, I'm gonna put it down as a solid Plan B," Doofenschmirtz said, turning and writing on the board. "Don't get me wrong; it's a good idea, but I
feel like Plan A's something that hasn't been brought up yet, if you get what I mean. Does, does that sound like a fair assessment?"
"Sounds fair," Dennis nodded, sitting back down.
"Great! Now then," Doofenschmirtz said, over the sound of Dennis, having no chair to sit on, falling to the floor. "What do we think about tin foil?"
0-0-0-0-0
All in all, it's the most productive meeting Doofenschmirtz Evil Incorporated has had in months.
