Coyote looked out over the dismal landscape that was a nonspecific desert in the American southwest for what felt like the thousandth time. He had lost track of how many attempts he had made at catching his eternal quarry, only to be thwarted by his own hubris, ACME products, or the worst enemy of all… gravity.
The Toon shot a dirty look down at the earth and mentally cursed Isaac Newton for inventing the blasted concept. Nonetheless, he was sure that tonight would be the night! The past sixty-odd years of humiliating failure wouldn't be for nothing! All things considered, his new employer was probably among the best he'd ever had. The old days of working for the cartoon studios were fine, of course, but after the cartoons hit a dry spell he had been forced to look for work elsewhere, eventually leading him to falling in with 'Mr. Chairman', formerly of ACME. The less said about that the better.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz was a good boss, though. He provided his employees with benefits, plenty of time off, and he even offered some Normbots to help out with his lifelong goal! Naturally Coyote had declined the offer, promising that if he was to catch the roadrunner it would be on his own terms. That's why he was out here, with nothing more than his wits, a container of birdseed, and a pair of binoculars. He was very tempted to leave that last item out, they had a nasty way of letting people sneak up on you. He knew how it was, you look through the binoculars, find the bird you're looking for, and all of a sudden they're right in front of your face instead of three hundred feet away, they scream 'MEEP MEEP', and you plummet three hundred feet off of a cliff.
He shuddered at that memory.
Perhaps it had been a… not a mistake, because that would be implying he was wrong, but a miscalculation to ask the bus driver to just drop him off 'wherever'. Passing up on the supply of rations was a bad idea too, as it was now the eighth day of his hunt and Coyote was starting to feel like any other individual left alone in a desert for eight days would. Perhaps he had been wrong. Perhaps he would never find the Roadrunner at a-
"MEEP MEEP!"
Confound it! Coyote had time to think just before instinct took over and he lept, head smashing into the rock above. He landed a moment later, only for the stones to collapse back upon him.
It was a more promising start than usual.
Pushing the exhaustion and thirst to the side, Coyote brushed himself off and took off at a full sprint, his eyes focused on the infernal bird in front of him with manic intensity! The bird would not escape him! It would not flee! It would not-
Coyote's thought processes were interrupted yet again as the Roadrunner seemed to quadruple his speed, accelerating so quickly that it carved literal flames into the surface of the road. Flames which Coyote was now walking on.
---
Several hours and an improvised burn treatment later, a very irate Coyote was trying to find the best spot to set up an ambush. It had to be far away from any nearby cliffs from which convenient boulders could be dropped, a long distance from any gorges, which he could fall into, and under no circumstances could it be next to a canyon wall into which he would painfully and inevitably smash.
He poured a small pile of birdseed on the road and rubbed his hands together deviously. Now all he had to do was wait.
…waiting was boring. There was no cell reception this far into the desert, and his phone ran out of charge four days ago.
He glanced around. Sand, dirt, gravel, more sand, a couple boulders, a patch of cacti… Were those prickly pears? Oh, marvelous! He could already picture it now: later tonight, he'd be celebrating his victory over roasted roadrunner with a prickly pear vinaigrette! Coyote walked a few steps over to the cacti and speared one of the fruits with an extended claw.
Hmm. Maybe he should've taken that Junior Woodchuck guide that the bossman's weird rival offered him. Then he'd at least have a way of identifying what the heck this was.
Oh well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. He'd eaten far more suspect things than a cactus before. At least one bite of this wouldn't send him into earthquake-inducing spasms for the better part of a week.
After a very careful check to ensure that the fruit didn't have any painful spines that would catch in his throat, he took a bite of cactus. That was… underwhelming. And horribly bitter.
Okay, that was a mistake.
Frowning with discontent (and spitting a few times to get the offensive taste out of his mouth) he reasserted his position behind a rock, keeping a very close eye on the road.
This was it, he was sure of it. This time, this time, he would do it. He would! He would catch that pink elephant racing down the road and…
Wait.
What?
Coyote had just enough time to blink twice before the rampaging translucent beast, followed by twenty more, trampled him into the ground. He coughed, holding up a sign… that was blank.
Coyote turned around, revealing that the other side of the sign said 'Ow'.
Coyote scratched his head. He couldn't find the camera. He always knew where the camera was. This was very strange.
"Oh, it will get much stranger before it's over, Candace."
Coyote literally leapt out of his skin before falling back down to earth at the talking zebra that was casually sipping from a teacup.
W-who are you? The next sign said.
"Oh, I don't exist."
You don't?
"No no, I'm just a hallucination."
I'm hallucinating?
"Couldn't you tell from the giant floating baby heads?"
Coyote looked around to see that the entire desert, as far as the eye could see, was filled completely with massive, rotating baby heads. One of them was shooting lasers out of its eyes.
Huh.
"By the way, I'd try to hold on to something. It's about to get much worse."
Coyote gulped. He tried in vain to get a grip on the ground, the sandy soil flowing through his fingers.
"Oh, and one last thing. I was told to deliver a message to your friends over there."
Coyote looked around frantically, for once unable to perceive the audience.
"I was told to say, *ahem*, 'Sooner or later, the Dream Queen will come for one of your allies because of the greatest secret he ever kept. You will need to have learned the rest of them before then, or you will lose him forever.'"
Coyote blinked uncomprehendingly.
"That's all. Enjoy your bad trip. Toodle-oo!"
The world melted.
Coyote pushed himself to his feet only to see that his hands were staying behind. He waved an arm. It rippled in the wind, bending unnaturally with every motion he made. His arms swam and bent around him, wrapping him up before tearing him apart. He blinked as they were joined by four more, each of which formed a series of complex mudras before they in turn each tugged one of his limbs in opposing directions until he split in four. Each of him looked at the others before beginning a vast, circular chase around the rim of the canyon, fading into eternity. Each one slowly toppled down, falling into a void that resolved into the starry sky.
Coyote impacted the ground, splashing against it before resolving. Existence revolved around his head. The roadrunner saw him. Eternity chased the Roadrunner and infinity was hit by falling boulders. He watched as before him the road stretched forever on. Then he painted a new path. The line led into a stone wall, and yet he passed through without harm.
The tunnel ended in light. It enveloped him in blinding radiance. Coyote swam through the void. A dozen voices sang meaningless enlightenment into his ears. The wheel of universes spun clockwise around him. He saw the Roadrunner.
The Roadrunner was vast, it contained multitudes. It shined with neon light. Coyote felt at peace as he fell into its gullet. He smelled victory. Infinity beckoned. The circle closed, but there was still time. Coyote felt himself falling, falling, falling, towards that inevitable, eternal, familiar canyon floor.
---
Coyote opened his eyes.
He was lying on his back in the middle of the desert, looking up at the starry night sky. His hands were wrapped around the Roadrunner's neck, and he…
His hands were wrapped around the Roadrunner's neck.
The bird was still struggling, but it couldn't break free. Coyote stared madly, expecting this impossible hallucination to fade with all the others.
Seconds passed. Seconds became minutes. The viability of this being yet another gag was dropping with each dragging moment.
The Roadrunner stuck out his tongue. Still, the bird failed to escape.
A wild grin split Coyote's face as he opened his mouth in triumph, preparing to devour his prey. As he stared at the bird, the animal he had chased for over six decades, the one who had subjected him to countless, humiliating failures and defeats, his face fell.
He blinked.
"What have I been doing with my life?" Coyote asked.
He released his grip.
"MEEP MEEP!"
---
Coyote has achieved self-actualization! His stats have improved across the board!
