You are trying to relax.
Sure, a large part of you definitely wishes you were hunting for Star right now, or hunting for the people hunting for Star right now, instead of on what you are pretty much certain is going to turn out to be a Wacky Adventure. You've been on enough of those before to know where this is going.
But nine out of ten psychologists recommend that the brain be given chances to rest during times of intense stress. And at this point, you're preeeeetty sure you have Exhaustion Syndrome.
You're making money you'll be able to use to find Star anyway. So you should try and relax. You're walking along the pristine white sands of Rapa Nui, the sun is shining, you're surrounded by sun and surf and coconut trees, and-
"So, Feldrake. Just how big is this army?"
"Do they like sandwiches?"
"Enormous, Janna! An entire horde of flaming salamanders awaits our command!"
"Do you ever think about anything other than sandwiches?"
"Well. Do you ever think about anything besides ants?"
"Touche."
"Also, I think about Donald."
You sigh.
Lizzy looks at Dennis after a moment. "Dennis, why are you carrying a giant loaf of bread?"
Dennis looks at her like this is some form of insane question. "Well, adventurers need to be prepared! But carrying a ten foot pole would be really inconvenient, so instead, I just brought a ten foot baguette."
"Oh. Okay."
Janna and Dennis are having a great time as always, Lizzy is… here? But Kitsune has been…
She's watching you again. She probably thinks she's being subtle about it, unless she wants you to think she thinks she's being subtle about it. Or wants you to think that she wants you to think that she thinks you think about it. You stop.
You've never really understood what was up with the fox girl, chalking it up to 'Janna' and trying to enjoy your Saturdays anyway, but it feels a bit odd. You catch her making glances at you every few minutes. The others too. She seems to be watching everyone as if trying to figure something out. The curious part of you wants to know what she's doing, the cautious part of you has been burned by too many fireworks, and the socially awkward part of you is hoping you find a halfway decent tourist trap to distract everyone.
Whatever, let's get this field trip moving.
"Aaaaall right everyone, let's get this field trip moving. Feldrake, where exactly are we headed?" You ask, attempting to put some pep in your step and a smile on your face as you walk backwards in order to keep them all in your field of vision. You step deftly over a rock you would have tripped on a few years ago.
The staff falls askance in Janna's hand. "I don't answer to you, safety boy."
"Wh-th-b- how do you even know about-?"
"Janna."
"Janna." You agree resignedly, running a hand down your face. "Listen, stick. This whole operation was your idea. I'm perfectly happy to just pull out a towel, sit down in this sand, soak up some rays, and get paid for it."
"Good. You need to work on your tan lines."
You get halfway through covering yourself before you remember you're not wearing a swimsuit. You kind of wish you were, though, given the 90 degree heat. You have no idea how Janna is still wearing a beanie.
The embarrassed panic ebbs away after a few seconds, allowing your shocked outrage to pop up.
"Why you-" You fume for a moment, but decide that if you're going to fight this war you need to understand the disposition of the troops. You turn to Janna. "Hey, Janna. Do you feel more like being difficult for me today, or being difficult for Feldrake."
"Hmmmmm." Janna replied, tapping Feldrake on her shoulder. "Eh, what the heck, I'll give you a break. Feldrake, where are we going?"
"I do not answer to you either, Ja-"
In a single fluid motion, Janna took the staff and buried its head in the sand.
"Mmmhfph hrm."
"Let me know if you see any T. simillim." Lizzy requests.
You frown. "Janna, is that really going to help anythi-"
"Abubup." Janna raises a hand. "Five more seconds."
The allotted time passes before Janna pulls the staff out of the sand.
"Guh! Gack. Hack. Ptoo!" Feldrake attempts to spit out the sand before remembering his tongue is made of bronze. "What do you think I am, part ostrich?!"
"You aaare?" Dennis asks.
"Your options are to tell us where to go, go back into the sand, or listen to Dennis more."
A few more seconds pass.
Occult Check: Where are we going?
DC100
52% CoS, 86+, 15-
60+14+24+10+10(Feldrake's unreliable memory)=118
Success
"Uhh, coulda sworn I left it down one of these leylines… hold on…"
"This way." Kitsune speaks up, running a finger along a half-buried boulder, drawing an arrow towards one of several small game trails leading into the jungle.
Janna's head turns just a little bit faster than you'd expected, looking at Kitsune with a glance you can't quite decipher.
Intrigue Check: What's up with Janna?
DC 72
50%CoS, 86+, 15-
28+20+22+10-30(It's Janna)=50
Failure
You have no idea what is up with Janna, what else is new? After a few seconds looking at Kitsune she glances away, and the moment passes. You decide not to press your luck.
Stewardship Check: Ok, Actually where are we going
DC 90
84%CoS, 89+, 18-
92+52+19+15+10+30(Ley of the Land)=218
Critical Success
You trek across the beach for a few minutes and thence into the volcanic jungle that surrounds the base of the (hopefully) inactive volcano. You follow a barely-beaten path through the palm trees and creeper vines up the lower slopes of the volcano mount, until you are just barely out of sight of the shore.
"Are we sure this is the right place?" You ask.
"Yeah, yeah, I definitely recognize that rock. That is a lava monster indicating rock." Feldrake replies.
"We literally just walked in a straight line, Marco." Lizzy points out.
"Straight lines can be deceptive. Anyway fine, I guess. Let's…"
In front of you is a small, dilapidated hut thatched in the polynesian style, with high peaked roofs at right angles to each other to keep the rain off. The roof does not seem to be doing its job, as in several places you can see right into the dark interior.
A few torches have been set up around the hut, burning with a sweet smell that drives away mosquitoes. In front of you is a parrot in a heavy coat- an absolutely insane choice in this heat- that appears to be napping until you approach. Once you come within sight, the bird immediately perks up, ruffles its feathers, and hollers out to you in a strong Spanish accent.
"Oh, hola, hola, hello there! Tourists, travelers! You've come to the right place!"
Dennis crawls up your arm. "How does he know?" he whispers into your ear.
"What for?" You ask, cautiously. This is how a lot of Wacky Adventures started turning into running from something carnivorous.
"Why, only the greatest show in 2,606 kilometers!"
Okay, that's either a good sign or a really bad one. There's never an in-between.
"I'll take bets now." Janna whispers to you, uncomfortably knowing exactly what you're thinking, as usual. Dennis is still on your arm, so she has to use the other ear.
"Behold, the splendiferous wonder of the Enchanted Tiki Room!"
You behold. One of the tiki torches snaps and falls off. It quietly smolders out.
Lizzy takes a moment to squint at the bird, giving non-vocal voice to what you are all thinking.
"Woooaaaaah." Dennis says, slowly falling off your arm.
What most of you are thinking.
Learning check: Is that a… bird?
DC 65
CoS 90% 19-, 90+
65+13+32+10=120
Great Success
"That's not what birds look like." Lizzy says.
The bird and several people swivel to look at Lizzy.
"Not the kind you thought, perhaps?" Kitsune breaks the silence. "What form of show do you have to give?"
"Well I, uh… it's the most wonderful-"
The bird is interrupted as Lizzy marches forward, grabbing onto the heavy trenchcoat and pulls.
"¡Ay caramba senorita, you are being very fresh-!"
Lizzy pulls the coat to the ground to reveal…
A bird.
And the birdcage it is standing on.
"Uh, hola?" The bird says after a moment.
"Who are you?" You ask, squinting.
"My name is Juan." the parrot replies, grooming a few ruffled feathers back into place.
"Why are you a-"
"Marco I swear to god if you are about to ask him why he is a bird-"
"I wasn't going to ask him that!" Marco protests. "I was going to ask him why… he can… talk?"
Lizzy points at you. "Oh! That was a faux pas."
"I thought it was a parrot." Dennis interrupts.
"Dennis!" You try not to scream. "Aren't you… I don't know… shocked???"
"Why?"
"It's a talking bird!"
"So am I."
Your fingers involuntary clench in an attempt to strangle air.
"No, you're a toon."
"A toon bird."
"Yes!"
"And?"
"And he's not!" You point at Juan, who is looking mildly offended. Janna leans over to him and hands him some popcorn. "Oh, gracias." He says, picking up some with his beak. "Is this magical?"
"I don't follow." Dennis says, forcibly dragging your attention back to his ignorance.
"Okay." You say, raising your hands to the sides of your head before trying a different approach. "Dennis. Is Roxanne Featherly a toon?"
"No, she's a duck."
"Which is a kind of bird!"
"Right!"
"Like you."
"I'm not a bird."
"Yes you are!" you screech. "I mean, wait-"
Lizzy appears to be taking notes. After a few more moments of desperation, Janna puts her hand on your shoulder. "At this point it isn't ending any better for you, dude."
"She is correct." Kitsune agrees simply.
Janna attempts to give Kitsune a thumbs up. It feels… weird, somehow, but you don't comment since at this point you would prefer not to talk. You feel the blood rushing to your head and it is only with years of experience that you know well enough to not try and justify to Jackie why you had your head in a garbage can.
"Who are you people?" Juan asks while you have a brief flashback.
"Travelers." Kitsune replies when you don't.
Diplomacy Check
DC 50 CoS 76% 17-, 88+
22+16+30+10-5-30(speciesism)=43
Bare failure
"Listen, I um… sorry about that. It was just… surprising?" you try. You notice a second too late that Kitsune was opening her mouth to speak again.
"Well you know, it is hard life for a talking bird." Juan replies, not fully mollified.
"I'll say!" Dennis agrees.
"This is why I wear the disguise until I have the tourists hook line and sinker."
"Reprehensible behavior, totally unforgivable." Feldrake agrees. He leans over to Juan. "Do you take bribes?"
"See the show, and we'll call it even." Juan replies.
Your eyes dart around. "Do we really have time for-"
Juan flies up into your face. "Yes."
===
The interior of the room is not much better than the outside- small patches of light beam onto the ground from the patchy roof, and the floor is either new stone over dirt or old stone that has not been cleaned in years. You try not to scuff your shoes as you enter. Dennis tries not to scuff his baguette. The walls and ceiling are absolutely overgrown with plants of every shape and size. The audience is absolutely miniscule at the moment- you can see a duck woman and her kids across the way, one guy napping in the back, and that's… it, really. The five of you are half the audience.
"So, uh… when does the show start?" You ask.
"When we have an audience, señor!" A voice rings out from above. You look up to see another parrot- this one with red, white and green plumage- pulling his head out from under his wing.
"Oh, come now Jose!" An excruciatingly Bavarian voice rings out. You catch a hint of red and yellow amidst the black of the room. "Zis as more of an audience than we've had in months."
"Fritz eez right." An equally French voice rings out. "Somebody wake up Michael."
One of the birds lets out a low wolf whistle. The duck woman immediately looks up, offended.
"Oh, pardon madam, that whistle was for my good friend, Michael."
"Pierre you rascal." A gentle irish brogue replies. You can see feathers of white and green. "Stop messing around and put on the show, wilyanae?"
"Slow down my friend! We need to wake up the glee club!"
A gentle cacophony of chirping fills the air as a quartet of torches light up the room properly. The four leading birds- Jose, Fritz, Michael and Pierre- lead what must be hundreds of birds, most of which are not parrots and all of which, apparently, can talk.
"That's amazing!" One of the kids on the other side of the room cries out, and you can't help but agree.
"What do you guys think is going on here?" You ask.
"Welcome, one and all, to the Enchanted Tiki Room!" Michael cries.
"Magic." Kitsune replies.
"Magic." Janna says.
"Magic." Dennis nods.
"Magic, duh." Lizzy says.
"I know that!" You yell, before Fritz shushes you. "I know that." You say again, much quieter. "I meant how."
"Probably something to do with the whole local magic thing." Janna says. "Feldrake, any memories shaking loose in that hollow skull?"
"I will have you know this staff is solid metal." Feldrake replies grumpily.
"Okay everyone!" Jose calls. "Ready to get started?"
Occult Check: How are these birds talking though, actually?
DC 120
57%CoS 15- 86+
91+43+14+24+10+15(Staff benefits)-10(Ley lineless)=187
Critical success
"The island is a confluence of power. It seeps from every stone." Kitsune points out.
"Oh yeah. This whole place has like, life-giving properties and stuff."
"...wait, life-giving?" Lizzy asks.
It is at that moment that the walls come alive.
"In the tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki room,
In the tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki room-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
What you had originally taken for decorative moai spring to life, dancing, singing, and hopping in place, cheerfully gyrating in place along with the music, which appears to come from the various overgrown plants of the room, each of which seem to impersonating various tropical strings, percussion and… woodwinds. This isn't exactly something you're unfamiliar with, things came to life all the time around Star, but it's still startling, so no one can blame you for screaming a bit.
"All the birds sing words-"
"And the flowers bloom!"
"In the tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki room!"
"AAAAAAAAAA-"
Just a little bit.
"Will you be quiet!?!?!" The man on the other side of the room asks, rising up to reveal himself to be another duck with wavy, slicked-back hair. "I'm trying to sleep through this performance."
"AAaaaaaaa."
"Thank you."
Once you are no longer debating giving solid rock a hard karate chop, you have to admit the show is pretty good. Thankfully you weren't the only one screaming, so were two of the… children.
"I wonder how the animatronics are set up." The last one asks.
Anyway, the melody is simple and peppy but with a few twists and turns you weren't expecting, but the novelty of a magical performance is still pretty strong, even with the break halfway through for a fruit sponsorship from a bird with an enormous orange head. You feel as though you're missing something from the 'let's all sing like the birdies sing' routine, given Dennis' blush and the duck lady trying to cover her kids' eyes with one too few arms, but in the end this seems like it was a fun diversion. The plants slowly sink back into their flowerbeds, the giant moai cease their hopping, and the torches run out of fuel.
Intrigue check:
DC 82 CoS 70% 17- 88+
59+20+22+10 (???)
22+20+22+10=74
Bare Failure
As the show comes to an end and you get up to leave, your brow furrows. Man, people clear out fast after these things.
Speaking of, you quickly regroup outside of the Tiki Room. "Okay gang. If we're gonna find the source of all this, we're going to need to have a clear plan. I say we start sneaking around the cabin."
"Or we could talk to them." Lizzy points out. Several people turn to look at her.
"We could." she confirms.
"That really depends on how happy they are with the idea of us stealing their evil lava army." Janna says.
"Nobody said it was an evil army." You say.
"It's Feldrake."
"It's me, you nincompoop!"
"Oh, wow." you say sarcastically. "Never been called anything worse than that before."
"Would you like to be?" Feldrake snarls.
The duck man from earlier sleepily wanders out of the hut after a moment, stretching before falling backwards seemingly without looking. Through apparent blind luck he ends up landing in a planter of flowers, which make a noise like a deflating bagpipe but otherwise do a good job of cushioning his fall.
"Should we find a stick to poke him with?" Dennis asks.
"Just use your baguette!" You say, before your brain reminds you that is a stupid idea.
"I can't use my baguette, it's for sandwiches."
…
You need to make a choice before he actually does.
===
[ ] Start poking around (Intrigue check)
You know this Tiki Room is close to the site of the lava whatever's prison. All you need is to find a way in, and it would honestly be best if no one knew you were here. Start searching!
[ ] Try to ask the birds (Difficult Diplomacy check)
You're going to have to be circumspect enough not to come across as evil despite your chainsaw and the evil duck staff and the blatant supervillain and accidentally being speciesist and…Dennis?
[ ] Try poking the bird (not those birds, the other bird) (??? check, ??? benefit?)
There is a duck laying right there, in the flowerbed. He's not one of the birds who own this place, but he might know something? Or he might draw your attention when you'd prefer to be circumspect. Or he might get offended that you're poking him with bread. You've already insulted one group of birds today.
Voting opens on November 27 at 8:00 PM EST.
