Interlude: The Colossal Tussle
- Location
- Pennsylvania
Slam!
Another fist smashed into the cerulean chestplate, denting the metal and sending the mech hurtling back. Its massive feet staggered, servos whirring, before stabilizing a few feet from the edge of the ring. The crowd gasped.
"Ohhhh, and that is another hit by the Manatee!" Fredzilla declared, leaning back in his chair and pulling his microphone up to the spot on his costume's neck that was probably his actual mouth. "He's got a lot of weight behind those punches."
A woman's form could just barely be made out inside of the massive mechanical exosuit she wore, shades of blue, black and white accessorized by small callsigns in a rich pink. The suit was bulky, filled with hulking motors and set low to the ground, giving it the balance needed to keep the bipedal machine upright after a heavy impact. Said impact came again as the sirenian super followed it up with a one-two punch. The mech backed off, bouncing on its feet.
"Uh, I thought he was a walrus." Kermit asked uncertainly.
"No no, you can tell from the lack of tusk." Fred replied lazily, as the Manatee lined himself up for a charge. His massive, flabby gray skin was covered in loose stubble, his puggish snout was twisted in furious attention. "He may not be the prettiest folks, but Manatee Man's thick blubber has proven an excellent source of inertia."
"I'm just impressed by his athleticism."
"That blubber hides muscle, Kermit. Now watch, I think he's about to-"
The mech braced, taking the Manatee's charge in the center of gravity. Its feet adjusted, and a moment later so did the feet of the woman piloting the suit. Manatee Man growled, and the two locked arms, pushing and shoving for dominance. Straining muscle fought against tensile cable before, suddenly, the opposing force disappeared. The mech removed one arm, sending the unprepared Manatee pushing forward directly into the now free arm's robotic fist. He made a sound like his namesake as his shaking stomach jiggled wildly in response to the blow.
"A clever tactic!" Fred declared earnestly, leaning further into his mic. "No mindless brute this contestant, this woman is brains and brawn!"
"Isn't the robot the brawn?" Kermit asked.
"That's a common misconception, piloting a powered suit actually requires a lot of toning."
"Really."
"Yeah, under this suit I'm like, super buff."
Manatee Man leaned forward instinctively, body trying to curl up around the injury but finding a half-ton steel behemoth in the way. The mech's massive arms latched onto his doubled-over waist, catching his head in a thighlock. Manatee attempted to shake off the pain, only to find himself lifted off the ground to the sound of groaning motors.
"Oh my god she's going for a powerbomb!" Fred declared, lifting his legs and spinning his chair in a circle. "That's insane, he must weigh as much as her suit does!"
"Does she have the power to pull this off?" Kermit asked in mock-uncertainty.
"Or will it boooooooomb????" Fred asked the audience, voice drawn out and excessively deep. A hush fell over the crowd as Manatee struggled against machine.
The mech paused to reposition its hold on the super's hips, letting his torso slip back down towards the ground. A moment later it was back at it, one hulking form hauling another centimeter by agonizing centimeter. Alarms began softly pinging as stress tolerances were exceeded, but the pilot was not deterred. Slowly the Manatee rose past the robot's knees, its waist, and finally up to shoulder height, where it hung for a moment, legs resting on its shoulders and momentarily taking the strain off of the robot's arms. Then gravity began to take hold again, and far from fighting it, the pilot doubled down. Every scrap of strength left in the machine was put towards forcing the blubbery behemoth towards the ground at maximum velocity.
Manatee Man impacted the ground, and a moment later the mech impacted the manatee. The arena shook as his falling body impacted the ringpoles, bending them out of shape and raising a dust cloud from the ringside.
"And Manatee is down!" Fred declared, leaping out of his seat. "Can he recover? Can he recover???" Fred asked insistently, watching as Manatee Man struggled against the pain. The mech stood up, planting a foot on the manatee's back and waiting. "One- two, three- HE'S OUTTA THERE! MS. WHITE HAS WON HER MATCH!!! Congratulations to the lady from Duckberg's own Black Forest!"
The pilot of the mech disengaged her restraints and leapt down, taking off her uplink and gently shaking her short-cut black hair and the red bow in it. She adjusted her blue racing jacket before turning to the cheering crowd and speaking in the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful voice any of them had ever heard.
"Oh, thank you so much everyone!" Snow White said, waving her arm daintily. "I just knew you all would believe in me! I had so much fun! I hope everyone will be excited for my exhibition match next week against Steel Toe. I can't wait to piledrive him into the ground and leave him begging for his mother! Teehee!" She giggled.
"Well uh, that was certainly something." Kermit said as six or seven attendants worked to lift Manatee Man out of the ring.
"You said it Mr. The Frog. An inspiration to toons, women, and bloodthirsty piledrivers the world over. But I hope you're not hopped out just yet, because we've only just begun our night of ultra-violent super-combat! With literally superhuman techniques and trials you won't see anywhere else! Well, except Good Luck Alley, but as an upstanding citizen, it would be wrong of me to advocate for such a place. Plus, we have better talent."
"How did you get employed as a Play-by-Play anyway, Fred?"
"Uhuhhhh, wh- why do you call me that?" Fred asked nervously. "M-my name is Fredzilla! Obviously."
"...uh, because it's short for Fredzilla?"
"Ohhh." Fred's mouth opened into a small ring. "Oh, wow, yikes. That's unfortunate. Never noticed that before. Quick, Kermit, I need a distraction."
"You could answer my question?"
"Great idea! Well, I didn't so much 'get employed' as I did 'walk in'. "I brought my own microphone."
Kermit looked at him for a moment. "Is… that even connected to anything?"
"No." Fredzilla replied. "No it is not."
Kermit turned back to the cameras and plastered an unconcerned smile onto his face. "You heard it here first folks! Well… actually you didn't. You may not have heard a single word my co-host has been saying. I sure hope my mic has good pickup range. Anyway! I now direct you to centerstage… I mean, centerarena, where our next two challengers are preparing to duke it out!"
A dramatic rendition of 'Hail to the Chief' in a minor key echoed around the arena as a massive, shirtless man climbed on stage to the sound of a 21-gun salute. He wore an ill-fitting top hat on his head and a full beard in the same style as his namesake, a demented leer plastered on his face as the crowd jeered enthusiastically.
"Ladies and gentlemen and nonbinary individuals-"
"Oh nice inclusivity." Fredzilla said.
"Thank you, I'm trying to stay welcoming." Kermit replied. "-I give to you, the sumo in the stovepipe, the Commander in Grief, Abraslam Lincoln! Don't let him fool you! The only thing he'll emancipate-"
"Is your legs from your body!" Abraslam Lincoln proclaimed, flexing enormous muscles before turning to his opponent.
"And in the other, slightly dented corner-"
"Yeah that Manatee guy left a lot to buff out."
"-is his opponent, a newcomer to the field looking to make a name for himself. I give you all, Little… Larry?"
Kermit looked down to see a rather unassuming young man, a far cry from the veritable wall of muscle that waited in the other corner of the ring, wearing a sweater vest and dress shirt combination that would look more at home in a home ec class than a wrestling arena.
"What? This is my opponent?" Abraslam Lincoln asked. "Everyone, I cannot tell a lie, this simply is not fair. The Super Secretary Serum transformed me into a beast of a man this noodly milquetoast could never hope to beat. I will still cream him! But I proclamate that I will feel guilty doing it."
"Uh…" Kermit began as the crowd went quiet.
Their silence was broken a second later as the young man's body transformed into a massive stone golem, boulders forming with a sound like an avalanche into the rough facsimile of muscles and limbs. Less elegant than a sculpture but no less intimidating, the newcomer drew a cheer from the crowd as he squared up against his opponent.
Abraslam Lincoln blinked.
"Ah, right." He said. "Super Wrestling."
"Soup's on, have at it!" Fredzilla declared, rushing over and violently chiming the ring bell with an almighty clang.
===
"Come on, Larry, get up!" Winston shouted, box of popcorn tumbling to the floor. "No! Don't let him get you in a headlock-!"
Opening night in the Titan Wrestling Federation was turning out to be a huge success! The ring was packed and sets were tuned in from all over the nation, and they already had another five matches booked solid! Professional wrestling was a great middle ground between the theatrics the public craved that were often on display in cape fights, and actually needing to keep things nice and legal.
It was just a shame that Hego didn't seem to be enjoying it. In contrast to many of the spectators surrounding him that were watching with exuberance, and Sinatron who at least seemed to be enjoying the show, Hego had looked morose the entire evening. His top-heavy form was hunched over slightly, massive shoulders pulled together at head level and arms hanging loosely in front of him.
"What's wrong, Hego? Not a fan of Larry? Don't worry, I think the main event's going to be the best part of the night!"
"It's not Larry, Winston, it's-"
"Abraslam Lincoln? I get it, Lincoln was a great president so casting him as a heel is a little unconventional, but I think he makes it work! Besides, it's a callback to the real Lincoln who liked to wrestle himself! He even invented something close to the chokeslam."
"You like Lincoln, you'll really like this one guy I've got lined up." the squat, muscular man on the other side of Winston commented. "This wrestling league's the best idea you guys've had in a while! And I'm telling you, Deavor, I've got a hotshot that'll rise right to the top!"
"Ooh, face or heel? I love heroes, you know that, but there's something about a good villain that just captures peoples' attention too!"
Hego sighed. The promoter had been here all night, trying to get Winston to sign his big talent. "Winston, don't you think this is all a little… disrespectful?" Hego asked.
Winston blinked. The promoter on his left scratched his head. A few people around Hego disagreed, vehemently.
In the ring, Abraslam Lincoln slammed the rock monster into the ropes.
"...Not really?" a note of genuine confusion crept into Winston's tone. "Come on, Hego, it's all in good fun! Nobody's actually getting hurt, I mean they'll be a little bruised tomorrow but no more than they signed on for!" He smiled, awkwardly. "Is that not…?"
"No, I mean- I don't know." Hego said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm not here to poop anybody's party. But putting up this, this… facade of heroism is… awkward."
"Oh! Oh Hego, this isn't a facade! It's a homage! Filming actual super fights is dangerous and has all sorts of legal difficulties, so we did the next best thing instead! Titanic figures duking it out for the world to see! Think about it this way, a bunch of go-getters really want to put themselves out there, so they demonstrate their might on the stage! Sure, maybe some of the stuff is staged, but all the moves are real! After so many years of supers being illegal, this is a great way to get them back into the public consciousness!"
Hego watched as the two fighters clashed in the ring, fur flying. "I… I know. Everyone knows the score, it's… fun. All in good fun. Playing…" He frowned. "Playing at being heroes."
Winston pursed his lips, looking over Hego's form. "Hego…"
"It's fine." Hego waved the man off, lost in his own thoughts. Winston slowly turned back to the feed.
Hego stared off into the distance.
"I'm being stupid." He said.
===
"I've never seen a match quite like this!" Kermit proclaimed, turning away from the action to address… "One way or the other. I don't know what else could possibly complicate this incredible even- Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Someone's coming up behind us. Why it's… It's…! By god! It's Cruella de Vil with a steel chair!"
More than a few spectators were distracted by the fashionista strutting across the stage, wearing a high-necked, peaked-shoulder blue and black pantsuit that aficionados would know hearkened back to the uniform of famed Thrilling Three member Apogee.
"What are you doing with that steel chair?" Kermit asked.
Cruella unfolded it and sat down between the two commentators.
"Oh."
"Isn't it obvious, darling? I've invited myself to the party."
Fred furrowed his brow. "Wait, can we really do this with two color commentators?" He immediately turned back to the camera. "Stay tuned to find out!"
Cruella put a hand to her chest. "I simply couldn't help myself. When I saw this travesty, how could I stay away?"
Fred blinked. "Travesty? I dunno about you, but this show seems to be pretty popular-"
"I'm not referring to the show, I'm referring to their clothes." Cruella said, grimacing. "Good lord, what are these people wearing?!"
"Well, Abraslam Lincoln's over there in his classic stovepipe-"
"A hat that should have gone extinct in 1865! I am aware that it is a homage, but it's an atrocious homage! What does that evoke? It doesn't even fit the man's head! It's held in place by hair clips!"
"Hey Cruella, how do you feel about Little Larry?" Fred asked.
"One thing at a time! This abomination cannot be allowed to continue!" She grabbed Kermit by the felt and lifted him up to her face. "Who is the costume designer?!"
"I'm pretty sure they do all their work in-house?" Kermit answered reluctantly, a frown working its way onto his face.
"In-hovel, you mean. Enough!" Cruella swept an arm across the desk, pushing coffee cups and microphones to one side. Seizing a poster from the wall, she flipped it over and tore into it with a pen pulled from a pocket with fervor. "And you call that a homage. A red, white, and blue thong?! I would sooner burn the Declaration of Independence than-"
"Too soon!" a member of the crowd called out.
Cruella snorted derisively before shifting her attention. "And his opponent!"
"We can talk about that now?" Fred asked.
"What is he wearing!?"
"Thaaaaat's Little Larry! He's not wearing anything at all because his natural geokinetic abilities let him form a tough, rocklike armor around-"
"And you used that as an excuse to not give him a costume?! God, not even Mode would make a mistake like that! As if he's the first cape to offer a challenge because of his abilities! At least Lincoln makes an attempt at evoking Americana, this 'Larry' may as well be naked!"
Kermit frowned. "Well he wears clothes when he's not… supered up. Production! Production! Can we get a… wow, it's strange not being production. Production, can we get a picture for Ms. de Vil?"
A nearby gofer provided some press materials, and Cruella allowed her eyes to alight upon the abomination. "The sweater vest. The sweater vest!?! If you want to evoke fifties Americana, you could go for something less cliche! What about the rock monster screams 'fifties Americana'?! NOTHING!"
"No, I think he just wears that. Like, day to day." Fredzilla replied.
"Even worse! There will be a reckoning."
Kermit shuddered, and seemed to fold in on himself a bit. "Oh boy. It would seem Larry has a second opponent waiting for him outside of the ring."
"Oh right, the match!" Fred said. "How's that going?"
"Absolutely dreadful. 'Little Larry' is being manhandled by 'Abraslam', and- DON'T ALLOW HIM TO ESCAPE YOUR GRIP, IDIOT!"
"Close one for Little Larry! He's on record as lifting an entire car two-handed, so I'm not surprised he can go pound for pound with this patriotic powerhouse."
"This has really been an impressive match." Kermit said. "Shame we didn't actually provide any commentary for nearly all of it."
"Oh, they have eyes." Cruella retorted. "They listen to us for valuable observations. Well. To me, at least."
"They're both showing signs of fatigue now, I think it's just a matter of-"
Fred gasped as Abraslam managed to catch the towering Larry around the neck, sweeping his legs to force the behemoth off his feet.
"Oh my god everyone I think we might be about to see a-"
Abraslam strained to lift the mass of mountain into the air by the neck, subtly using his other arm to keep him upright before driving him down into the mat with the first.
"CHOKESLAM!" Fredzilla screamed. "Oh, that's gonna hurt for four score and seven hours."
Little Larry groaned on the floor, allowing Abraslam to take in a mixture of cheers and boos as his victory was assured.
"With that, Mr. Lincoln has earned enough points to put him in the qualifying round of our upcoming Colossal Tussle Combat." Kermit noted. "I, uh, hope you all won't be getting tired of president-related puns anytime soon."
"Please tell me the next contestant will have a shred of artistic integrity." Cruella begged.
"Now that you've gotten warmed up, folks, it's time for the moment you've all been waiting for, our headliner! Put your hands together for-"
There was a loud crash as one of the arena doors was broken down.
"Las Vegas!" A booming voice rang out.
"Oh god, not again." Fred slapped a hand over his face. The big rubber one, not his actual face. Possibly his actual face too.
"You accept mech wrestlers?! I was told you did not accept mech wrestlers!!!"
"Wait." Kermit said. "Is that the guy they warned me about?"
"Forget whatever piddling headliner you had planned! For you will now face the greatest mech-wrestler of all time! I, El Feug-hahaHSAGBGNAHNAMNAJAGAH"
The security guard released the trigger on his taser. "Okay, I'm gonna need like, ten more guys to carry him out of here."
"Well that was pointless." Cruella noted.
Fredzilla nodded. "And with it over, it's tiiiiime for-"
"Commercials." Kermit noted.
"What? Whyyyyyyyy." Fredzilla complained, suit hunching up petulantly.
"Because they still need to sweep the pebbles out of the ring."
===
"And with that the danger of scraped knees has abated!" Fred declared, as the janitor swept the last of the gravel offstage. "With that, the carnage can resume!"
Fred raised his arms skyward, drinking in the approving roar of the crowd. "And so, if I knew where she was, I would be happy to introduce-"
Someone tapped Fred on the shoulder.
"Heya."
"Ahh!" Kermit jumped.
"Oh, hey Jade Princess." Fredzilla said calmly. "...oh, wait. Everyone! Give it up for Jade Princess!"
The crowd cheered cautiously. 'Jade Princess' was a small woman, or possibly even a teenager, it was difficult to tell behind the mask. Said mask was an absolute mess of green glitter with curving corners, coupled with a bright green one-piece. The outfit was completed by a massive, multi-foot ponytail, plaited to have a massive, rough-cut chunk of jade bound into the very tip. Jade Princess was apparently known for running on the mundane Lucha Libre circuit in Mexico, and as such those few in the audience who knew her were… uncertain.
"Hey, is that mask a gel pack?" Fredzilla asked.
Jade Princess smirked. "If I have to wear a mask, it might as well be good for my skin."
"Uh, this isn't Lucha rules. You can wear whatever costume you want." Fredzilla noted.
"As long as you use a bit less glitter." Cruella noted, wretching. "Still, you at least understand basic color coordination. I'll take what I can get."
Princess shrugged. "Eh. It's part of the outfit now, right?" She tilted her head and smiled.
"So, uh, miss Jade. What exactly are your powers?" Kermit asked nervously, meaning 'how did you sneak up on me?'.
Jade Princess slowly leaned in until she was face to felt with the frog.
"I win." She said, just loud enough for the microphone to pick up.
She brushed her hair off of her shoulder, sending her jade tip cracking wildly into the air, before marching down to the ring. A few of her most dedicated fans had made the trip from Mexico, and cheered her from the stands.
"Phew." Kermit exhaled, relaxing in his seat. "I'll admit, she spooked me."
"You're a jumpy guy, aren't you?" Fred asked.
"Uh, that's actually a little offensive. But at least I don't have to worry about that again." Kermit said as the green smoke began to billow behind him.
"Uhhhh…" Fred slowly raised a claw.
The smoke resolved itself into enough solidity for a person to step forth from it. She was a raven, tall, broad-shouldered and grim, with one eye scarred and beady and the other covered with a mask… it was probably a mask… in the shape of a skull. Dark and light blue played across her warrior's tunic, contrasting against the bright pink of her hair. She said nothing, grim as a wake, as the smoke dispersed.
"What?" Kermit asked.
"I am Hecka!" The raven quothed, "Scion of Niflheim!"
Kermit leapt screaming into Fredzilla's arms, an impressive stunt that required clever camerawork. "AAaaaah! How did you get past security?!?"
Hecka held up her security badge.
"Oh."
"I HAVE JOURNEYED ACROSS THE NINE REALMS TO SEEK WORTHY BATTLE WHILST I AWAIT THE COMING OF RAGNAROK!" Hecka screeched.
"Oh my god." Cruella said slowly. "Your… your… your outfit!"
The raven blinked. "Eh?"
Cruella leapt to her feet, completely ignoring Hecka's personal space to examine the tunic. "Genuine leather! But so perfectly dyed!"
"It is produced from the hemlock of my deathly realm." Hecka explained.
"It's color coordinated! Salvation, at last!"
"That was a really impressive entrance lady." Fred said. "I wonder what sort of toxic waste you fell into to get that sorta power. Radioactive?"
"My might springs from the deathly streams of poison that drip from the fangs of mighty Jörmungandr himself!"
"Oh, cool." Fred replied without question.
"And uh… who's that?" Kermit asked cautiously, pointing towards the enormous wolf that stalked at her side. It growled.
"Fenrir."
"O-of course." Kermit nodded frantically, keeping his hands in front of him. "Good doggy. Good doggy. Sheesh."
"That is… quite the beast." Cruella noted, breathlessly.
"Now then." Hecka said as she turned towards the ring, a green light flashing in her eyes. "Battle."
The crowd cheered wildly as Hecka leapt into the ring.
"Patrons! I see the woman I face today is but a mere mortal, not even one blessed with powers. I fear this battle may be short. But I will strive to present to you the best conflict possible!"
Jade Princess looked at her. "You talk too much." She smirked.
"Then allow me to remedy that." Hecka replied, and the bell rang.
Jade Princess leapt forward immediately, ramming her forearm into Hecka's sternum and following it up with a flurry of powerful kicks. Hecka… took it. With each blow she barely flinched, glaring down at her shorter foe without a hint of expression.
"Finally!" Cruella declared, as if on the cusp of an oasis. "A match with style."
"Does Jade Princess really have no powers?!" Kermit asked worriedly. "What was she thinking? I know she's a veteran and all, but she could get hurt!"
"I guess the outcome really isn't in doubt, is it?" Fred asked.
"I'll say." Kermit agreed.
"She's absolutely going to win! Everyone loves an underdog."
Kermit groaned. The crowd, meanwhile, gasped as Princess landed yet another hit to no apparent effect.
"You know." She said, taking a moment to back off and examine Hecka. "You're beginning to annoy me."
Hecka simply stared.
"Well then. If you're going to make it easy…"
Hecka swung. Jade Princess pulled back, attempting to roll with the hit, only to find the incredible strength far more than she had anticipated. She rocked back, stumbling, and grimaced at what was definitely going to be a nasty bruise.
"Ohhh, seems like Jade Princess isn't used to what Super Strength can do in the ring!" Fredzilla declared, mic swinging wildly in his claw. "Can she recover?"
Hecka moved in for another strike, but this time Jade Princess knew what she was dealing with. She leapt nimbly out of the way, causing Hecka's eyes to widen slightly. While she was swift, Princess seemed swifter, and avoided each new assault with inches to spare.
"Okay." Princess said, shaking herself off. "New rule: don't get hit."
Jade Princess backed off, taking a moment to breathe. Those most in the audience would not realize it, her demeanor changed ever so slightly. A stance shifted into perfect balance, a palm twisted back into the crook of her waist. Hecka had just enough time to become curious before she was flung bodily across the ring, crashing messily against the ropes and tumbling to the ground.
"Oh my god that woman just went flying!" Kermit yelled, arms flailing in the air even as the crowd roared.
Fenrir bounded towards the ring, snout nuzzling for his master and growling at her foe.
"The things I could do with that pelt…" Cruella mused.
"Ah ah ah." Princess smiled. "This isn't a tag team. Though I suppose someone needs to fight me if your mommy went down that easy."
Hecka's eyes opened, and began glowing green.
"Uh-" Jade Princess began.
Hecka rose vertebrae by vertebrae, head, neck, and finally spine lifting unnaturally from the floor. Once she was upright she lifted her arms, rising into the air on a wash of acid green energy before bringing her arm down for an elbow drop. Princess avoided the bird's wing easily, a fact that left her confused. How had she missed so easily?
Then Hecka impacted the ring, and a wave of necrotic energy spread out from the point of impact, sweeping Princess off her feet and throwing her violently to the ground.
"Hel yeah!" Fredzilla cheered.
"Fred! This is televised." Kermit chided.
"What? Oh, no, one L."
"One L?"
"Hel."
"Hel?"
"Hel, yeah."
The crowd crowed various bloody-minded declarations regarding sending Princess to the afterlife, most of which were mythologically inaccurate. Hecka grabbed at Jade Princess, catching her arm in a vice grip and nearly forcing her to the ground before the other woman rolled out of it, springing to her feet just in time to respond to a flurry of blows. Hecka pressed Jade Princess, forcing her backwards towards the rope. Suddenly, Princess whipped her head around, sending the rock at the end of her ponytail slamming into the bird's face and forcing out a grunt of pain.
"Good to know that still works." Princess noted, before using the chance to dance behind the grim omen. Before Hecka could recover, she slipped her arms into Hecka's, pulling her arms up and locking the bird in a Full Nelson.
"She's trying to go strength to strength!" Kermit declared.
"C'mon you pansy! You think you're tough??!?! I fought Goku!" Jade Princess screamed into Hecka's face.
Hecka's beak clenched, her muscles flexing as they fought against the Jade Princess's hold. A moment passed, two, three, and then in a burst of green light Hecka ripped her arms outwards, freeing herself from the grasp. Fenrir howled in triumph.
"Arm wrestling with death, not a great plan." Fred said.
The two of them traded blows for the span of a long moment, Hecka's raw power competing with Jade Princess's speed and agility. Hecka's deathly powers sprang out at unexpected moments, forcing Princess to adapt to each new trick up Hecka's sleeve. The strain started to show, sweat running down her face as her dodges grew closer and closer with each passing second. When the blows did come they came hard, enhanced speed and strength that a human could not match.
It was inevitable that luck would run out. A loose dodge made Jade Princess stumble, and that was wall Hecka needed to put a firm hand on her. From there, Hecka hoisted Princess onto her shoulders as if she weighed nothing.
"Ohhh, a classic Hel's Blot maneuver." Fredzilla declared, eyes locked on the match. "But that would mean… gasp! Hecka can only be planning to finish this now, with… The Knee of Glory!!!"
"Where are you getting these names?" Cruella asked.
"Making them up, right now!" Fred replied.
Hecka lifted Jade Princess over her head, legs trapped on either side even as the girl struggled in her grasp. Then, with hardly a moment's warning, Hecka let go. As Jade Princess fell to earth, Hecka firmed her stance, prepared her leg, and kneed Jade Princess directly in the solar plexus.
For Jade Princess, it was like having the wind taken out of you and not put back in. The pain was there, yes, but worse was the feeling. The feeling of having your strength sap out of your bones, your limbs fail you, even your vision dim and fade away. Princess did not rise when she impacted the mat.
The crowd went mad, many cheering for the incredible display but a few worried for the fate of the underdog.
Hecka said nothing, merely turning towards the referee and waiting with cold, unfeeling eyes that waited for the carrion to be pronounced dead.
"Will the Jade Princess rise… Nevermore????" Fredzilla asked breathlessly. "Folks, it's not looking good. One…"
Jade Princess grunted. A hand twitched and scrabbled for purchase upon the ground. It was not ending like this. She had fought worse than this chick. She'd fought a bull troll. Okay. So her brother had fought the troll, mostly. She'd been there.
"Two…"
One of the benefits of Jade Princess' training regimen was the ability to push one's body well past the point that they would regret it in the morning. Princess, slowly, struggled to her hands and knees.
"Thre… what's this?!?!"
The crowd gasped in shock as the petite woman pulled herself up against impossible odds. There was a moment of quiet and then, one by one, it began:
"Princess! Princess! Princess!"
The crowd was on her side, now.
But she was only going to get one shot.
She leapt, attempting to tackle Hecka about the waist. She succeeded in catching her off guard, but Hecka was too strong to be knocked fully off balance. Instead, she dropped to the ground, using Princess' own momentum to wrap her legs around Princess' waist.
Oh. Jade Princess thought. D'a-
Heck wrapped her arms around Princess' chest, and began to choke her. Hecka squeezed, and Jade Princess saw white. In desperation she went limp, falling to the ground and pulling Hecka with her. She let it happen, not letting up her grip for a second.
Unbidden, a thought from her old sensei entered her mind, slightly dazed from the oxygen deprivation. Something about how… when a foe had you, they tended to forget about everything else. Left them vulnerable to what they weren't focused on. Weren't… focused on…
Jade Princess locked her feet around Hecka's talons. Hecka squawked in surprise. A fractional reduction in the pressure being put on her jugular allowed her to start applying her own pressure, bending the raven's legs in was the rigid limbs were definitely not meant to go.
"Agh! Those are hollow!" Hecka screamed. The crowd gasped.
"Tap out or you'll prove it to me!" Jade Princess bellowed, before dropping her voice much lower. "Sorry about that, no hard feelings. The fans love that stuff."
"I SAID. TAP. OUT!" She screamed again. Hecka snarled, hands beginning to glow, but Princess locked her own arms in place, keeping Hecka from using her ability to drain. Fenrir howled, unable to help his master.
Jade Princess tightened her legs a bit further, and Hecka tapped out.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" Fred and Kermit bellowed at exactly the same time, moving so fast they left Cruella's hair askew. The crowd exploded into approving hoots and cheers, the entire stadium deafening itself with the raucous applause.
"From the brink of destruction, newcomer Jade Princess has taken down the goddess of death herself!" Kermit declared.
"No one will be underestimating the Lucha Libre after this." Fred agreed. "What a performance!"
Hecka bowed to Jade Princess, her form already fading into a pillar of green light. "You have been a worthy foe. May the Valkyries carry you to Valhalla on your last battle."
"Uh, sure."
"It's all over but the applause, folks." Kermit said. "Thank you for tuning in to this broadcast of the Titans Wrestling Federation. The Super Struggle!"
"I thought it was the Colossal Tussle." Cruella said.
"Aw man!" Fred groaned. "That would have been way better!"
===
Down in the ring, Jade Princess gladly accepted a towel from her assistant. She had about seventy different aches and bruises that were going to be killing her in the morning, at least one of which was probably supernatural. Still, not a bad showing, taking down a heavyweight in her first go.
"Uh, excuse me, miss? Ma'am? There's a message for you."
"Who from?" Jade Princess asked, turning to a very nervous looking gofer.
"He uh… he won't say."
Jade Princess took the phone with a look of vague curiosity.
Juliet Butler was out of the city within the hour.
===
You have gained +2 funds and +1 standing in [Mass Media].
Another fist smashed into the cerulean chestplate, denting the metal and sending the mech hurtling back. Its massive feet staggered, servos whirring, before stabilizing a few feet from the edge of the ring. The crowd gasped.
"Ohhhh, and that is another hit by the Manatee!" Fredzilla declared, leaning back in his chair and pulling his microphone up to the spot on his costume's neck that was probably his actual mouth. "He's got a lot of weight behind those punches."
A woman's form could just barely be made out inside of the massive mechanical exosuit she wore, shades of blue, black and white accessorized by small callsigns in a rich pink. The suit was bulky, filled with hulking motors and set low to the ground, giving it the balance needed to keep the bipedal machine upright after a heavy impact. Said impact came again as the sirenian super followed it up with a one-two punch. The mech backed off, bouncing on its feet.
"Uh, I thought he was a walrus." Kermit asked uncertainly.
"No no, you can tell from the lack of tusk." Fred replied lazily, as the Manatee lined himself up for a charge. His massive, flabby gray skin was covered in loose stubble, his puggish snout was twisted in furious attention. "He may not be the prettiest folks, but Manatee Man's thick blubber has proven an excellent source of inertia."
"I'm just impressed by his athleticism."
"That blubber hides muscle, Kermit. Now watch, I think he's about to-"
The mech braced, taking the Manatee's charge in the center of gravity. Its feet adjusted, and a moment later so did the feet of the woman piloting the suit. Manatee Man growled, and the two locked arms, pushing and shoving for dominance. Straining muscle fought against tensile cable before, suddenly, the opposing force disappeared. The mech removed one arm, sending the unprepared Manatee pushing forward directly into the now free arm's robotic fist. He made a sound like his namesake as his shaking stomach jiggled wildly in response to the blow.
"A clever tactic!" Fred declared earnestly, leaning further into his mic. "No mindless brute this contestant, this woman is brains and brawn!"
"Isn't the robot the brawn?" Kermit asked.
"That's a common misconception, piloting a powered suit actually requires a lot of toning."
"Really."
"Yeah, under this suit I'm like, super buff."
Manatee Man leaned forward instinctively, body trying to curl up around the injury but finding a half-ton steel behemoth in the way. The mech's massive arms latched onto his doubled-over waist, catching his head in a thighlock. Manatee attempted to shake off the pain, only to find himself lifted off the ground to the sound of groaning motors.
"Oh my god she's going for a powerbomb!" Fred declared, lifting his legs and spinning his chair in a circle. "That's insane, he must weigh as much as her suit does!"
"Does she have the power to pull this off?" Kermit asked in mock-uncertainty.
"Or will it boooooooomb????" Fred asked the audience, voice drawn out and excessively deep. A hush fell over the crowd as Manatee struggled against machine.
The mech paused to reposition its hold on the super's hips, letting his torso slip back down towards the ground. A moment later it was back at it, one hulking form hauling another centimeter by agonizing centimeter. Alarms began softly pinging as stress tolerances were exceeded, but the pilot was not deterred. Slowly the Manatee rose past the robot's knees, its waist, and finally up to shoulder height, where it hung for a moment, legs resting on its shoulders and momentarily taking the strain off of the robot's arms. Then gravity began to take hold again, and far from fighting it, the pilot doubled down. Every scrap of strength left in the machine was put towards forcing the blubbery behemoth towards the ground at maximum velocity.
Manatee Man impacted the ground, and a moment later the mech impacted the manatee. The arena shook as his falling body impacted the ringpoles, bending them out of shape and raising a dust cloud from the ringside.
"And Manatee is down!" Fred declared, leaping out of his seat. "Can he recover? Can he recover???" Fred asked insistently, watching as Manatee Man struggled against the pain. The mech stood up, planting a foot on the manatee's back and waiting. "One- two, three- HE'S OUTTA THERE! MS. WHITE HAS WON HER MATCH!!! Congratulations to the lady from Duckberg's own Black Forest!"
The pilot of the mech disengaged her restraints and leapt down, taking off her uplink and gently shaking her short-cut black hair and the red bow in it. She adjusted her blue racing jacket before turning to the cheering crowd and speaking in the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful voice any of them had ever heard.
"Oh, thank you so much everyone!" Snow White said, waving her arm daintily. "I just knew you all would believe in me! I had so much fun! I hope everyone will be excited for my exhibition match next week against Steel Toe. I can't wait to piledrive him into the ground and leave him begging for his mother! Teehee!" She giggled.
"Well uh, that was certainly something." Kermit said as six or seven attendants worked to lift Manatee Man out of the ring.
"You said it Mr. The Frog. An inspiration to toons, women, and bloodthirsty piledrivers the world over. But I hope you're not hopped out just yet, because we've only just begun our night of ultra-violent super-combat! With literally superhuman techniques and trials you won't see anywhere else! Well, except Good Luck Alley, but as an upstanding citizen, it would be wrong of me to advocate for such a place. Plus, we have better talent."
"How did you get employed as a Play-by-Play anyway, Fred?"
"Uhuhhhh, wh- why do you call me that?" Fred asked nervously. "M-my name is Fredzilla! Obviously."
"...uh, because it's short for Fredzilla?"
"Ohhh." Fred's mouth opened into a small ring. "Oh, wow, yikes. That's unfortunate. Never noticed that before. Quick, Kermit, I need a distraction."
"You could answer my question?"
"Great idea! Well, I didn't so much 'get employed' as I did 'walk in'. "I brought my own microphone."
Kermit looked at him for a moment. "Is… that even connected to anything?"
"No." Fredzilla replied. "No it is not."
Kermit turned back to the cameras and plastered an unconcerned smile onto his face. "You heard it here first folks! Well… actually you didn't. You may not have heard a single word my co-host has been saying. I sure hope my mic has good pickup range. Anyway! I now direct you to centerstage… I mean, centerarena, where our next two challengers are preparing to duke it out!"
A dramatic rendition of 'Hail to the Chief' in a minor key echoed around the arena as a massive, shirtless man climbed on stage to the sound of a 21-gun salute. He wore an ill-fitting top hat on his head and a full beard in the same style as his namesake, a demented leer plastered on his face as the crowd jeered enthusiastically.
"Ladies and gentlemen and nonbinary individuals-"
"Oh nice inclusivity." Fredzilla said.
"Thank you, I'm trying to stay welcoming." Kermit replied. "-I give to you, the sumo in the stovepipe, the Commander in Grief, Abraslam Lincoln! Don't let him fool you! The only thing he'll emancipate-"
"Is your legs from your body!" Abraslam Lincoln proclaimed, flexing enormous muscles before turning to his opponent.
"And in the other, slightly dented corner-"
"Yeah that Manatee guy left a lot to buff out."
"-is his opponent, a newcomer to the field looking to make a name for himself. I give you all, Little… Larry?"
Kermit looked down to see a rather unassuming young man, a far cry from the veritable wall of muscle that waited in the other corner of the ring, wearing a sweater vest and dress shirt combination that would look more at home in a home ec class than a wrestling arena.
"What? This is my opponent?" Abraslam Lincoln asked. "Everyone, I cannot tell a lie, this simply is not fair. The Super Secretary Serum transformed me into a beast of a man this noodly milquetoast could never hope to beat. I will still cream him! But I proclamate that I will feel guilty doing it."
"Uh…" Kermit began as the crowd went quiet.
Their silence was broken a second later as the young man's body transformed into a massive stone golem, boulders forming with a sound like an avalanche into the rough facsimile of muscles and limbs. Less elegant than a sculpture but no less intimidating, the newcomer drew a cheer from the crowd as he squared up against his opponent.
Abraslam Lincoln blinked.
"Ah, right." He said. "Super Wrestling."
"Soup's on, have at it!" Fredzilla declared, rushing over and violently chiming the ring bell with an almighty clang.
===
"Come on, Larry, get up!" Winston shouted, box of popcorn tumbling to the floor. "No! Don't let him get you in a headlock-!"
Opening night in the Titan Wrestling Federation was turning out to be a huge success! The ring was packed and sets were tuned in from all over the nation, and they already had another five matches booked solid! Professional wrestling was a great middle ground between the theatrics the public craved that were often on display in cape fights, and actually needing to keep things nice and legal.
It was just a shame that Hego didn't seem to be enjoying it. In contrast to many of the spectators surrounding him that were watching with exuberance, and Sinatron who at least seemed to be enjoying the show, Hego had looked morose the entire evening. His top-heavy form was hunched over slightly, massive shoulders pulled together at head level and arms hanging loosely in front of him.
"What's wrong, Hego? Not a fan of Larry? Don't worry, I think the main event's going to be the best part of the night!"
"It's not Larry, Winston, it's-"
"Abraslam Lincoln? I get it, Lincoln was a great president so casting him as a heel is a little unconventional, but I think he makes it work! Besides, it's a callback to the real Lincoln who liked to wrestle himself! He even invented something close to the chokeslam."
"You like Lincoln, you'll really like this one guy I've got lined up." the squat, muscular man on the other side of Winston commented. "This wrestling league's the best idea you guys've had in a while! And I'm telling you, Deavor, I've got a hotshot that'll rise right to the top!"
"Ooh, face or heel? I love heroes, you know that, but there's something about a good villain that just captures peoples' attention too!"
Hego sighed. The promoter had been here all night, trying to get Winston to sign his big talent. "Winston, don't you think this is all a little… disrespectful?" Hego asked.
Winston blinked. The promoter on his left scratched his head. A few people around Hego disagreed, vehemently.
In the ring, Abraslam Lincoln slammed the rock monster into the ropes.
"...Not really?" a note of genuine confusion crept into Winston's tone. "Come on, Hego, it's all in good fun! Nobody's actually getting hurt, I mean they'll be a little bruised tomorrow but no more than they signed on for!" He smiled, awkwardly. "Is that not…?"
"No, I mean- I don't know." Hego said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm not here to poop anybody's party. But putting up this, this… facade of heroism is… awkward."
"Oh! Oh Hego, this isn't a facade! It's a homage! Filming actual super fights is dangerous and has all sorts of legal difficulties, so we did the next best thing instead! Titanic figures duking it out for the world to see! Think about it this way, a bunch of go-getters really want to put themselves out there, so they demonstrate their might on the stage! Sure, maybe some of the stuff is staged, but all the moves are real! After so many years of supers being illegal, this is a great way to get them back into the public consciousness!"
Hego watched as the two fighters clashed in the ring, fur flying. "I… I know. Everyone knows the score, it's… fun. All in good fun. Playing…" He frowned. "Playing at being heroes."
Winston pursed his lips, looking over Hego's form. "Hego…"
"It's fine." Hego waved the man off, lost in his own thoughts. Winston slowly turned back to the feed.
Hego stared off into the distance.
"I'm being stupid." He said.
===
"I've never seen a match quite like this!" Kermit proclaimed, turning away from the action to address… "One way or the other. I don't know what else could possibly complicate this incredible even- Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Someone's coming up behind us. Why it's… It's…! By god! It's Cruella de Vil with a steel chair!"
More than a few spectators were distracted by the fashionista strutting across the stage, wearing a high-necked, peaked-shoulder blue and black pantsuit that aficionados would know hearkened back to the uniform of famed Thrilling Three member Apogee.
"What are you doing with that steel chair?" Kermit asked.
Cruella unfolded it and sat down between the two commentators.
"Oh."
"Isn't it obvious, darling? I've invited myself to the party."
Fred furrowed his brow. "Wait, can we really do this with two color commentators?" He immediately turned back to the camera. "Stay tuned to find out!"
Cruella put a hand to her chest. "I simply couldn't help myself. When I saw this travesty, how could I stay away?"
Fred blinked. "Travesty? I dunno about you, but this show seems to be pretty popular-"
"I'm not referring to the show, I'm referring to their clothes." Cruella said, grimacing. "Good lord, what are these people wearing?!"
"Well, Abraslam Lincoln's over there in his classic stovepipe-"
"A hat that should have gone extinct in 1865! I am aware that it is a homage, but it's an atrocious homage! What does that evoke? It doesn't even fit the man's head! It's held in place by hair clips!"
"Hey Cruella, how do you feel about Little Larry?" Fred asked.
"One thing at a time! This abomination cannot be allowed to continue!" She grabbed Kermit by the felt and lifted him up to her face. "Who is the costume designer?!"
"I'm pretty sure they do all their work in-house?" Kermit answered reluctantly, a frown working its way onto his face.
"In-hovel, you mean. Enough!" Cruella swept an arm across the desk, pushing coffee cups and microphones to one side. Seizing a poster from the wall, she flipped it over and tore into it with a pen pulled from a pocket with fervor. "And you call that a homage. A red, white, and blue thong?! I would sooner burn the Declaration of Independence than-"
"Too soon!" a member of the crowd called out.
Cruella snorted derisively before shifting her attention. "And his opponent!"
"We can talk about that now?" Fred asked.
"What is he wearing!?"
"Thaaaaat's Little Larry! He's not wearing anything at all because his natural geokinetic abilities let him form a tough, rocklike armor around-"
"And you used that as an excuse to not give him a costume?! God, not even Mode would make a mistake like that! As if he's the first cape to offer a challenge because of his abilities! At least Lincoln makes an attempt at evoking Americana, this 'Larry' may as well be naked!"
Kermit frowned. "Well he wears clothes when he's not… supered up. Production! Production! Can we get a… wow, it's strange not being production. Production, can we get a picture for Ms. de Vil?"
A nearby gofer provided some press materials, and Cruella allowed her eyes to alight upon the abomination. "The sweater vest. The sweater vest!?! If you want to evoke fifties Americana, you could go for something less cliche! What about the rock monster screams 'fifties Americana'?! NOTHING!"
"No, I think he just wears that. Like, day to day." Fredzilla replied.
"Even worse! There will be a reckoning."
Kermit shuddered, and seemed to fold in on himself a bit. "Oh boy. It would seem Larry has a second opponent waiting for him outside of the ring."
"Oh right, the match!" Fred said. "How's that going?"
"Absolutely dreadful. 'Little Larry' is being manhandled by 'Abraslam', and- DON'T ALLOW HIM TO ESCAPE YOUR GRIP, IDIOT!"
"Close one for Little Larry! He's on record as lifting an entire car two-handed, so I'm not surprised he can go pound for pound with this patriotic powerhouse."
"This has really been an impressive match." Kermit said. "Shame we didn't actually provide any commentary for nearly all of it."
"Oh, they have eyes." Cruella retorted. "They listen to us for valuable observations. Well. To me, at least."
"They're both showing signs of fatigue now, I think it's just a matter of-"
Fred gasped as Abraslam managed to catch the towering Larry around the neck, sweeping his legs to force the behemoth off his feet.
"Oh my god everyone I think we might be about to see a-"
Abraslam strained to lift the mass of mountain into the air by the neck, subtly using his other arm to keep him upright before driving him down into the mat with the first.
"CHOKESLAM!" Fredzilla screamed. "Oh, that's gonna hurt for four score and seven hours."
Little Larry groaned on the floor, allowing Abraslam to take in a mixture of cheers and boos as his victory was assured.
"With that, Mr. Lincoln has earned enough points to put him in the qualifying round of our upcoming Colossal Tussle Combat." Kermit noted. "I, uh, hope you all won't be getting tired of president-related puns anytime soon."
"Please tell me the next contestant will have a shred of artistic integrity." Cruella begged.
"Now that you've gotten warmed up, folks, it's time for the moment you've all been waiting for, our headliner! Put your hands together for-"
There was a loud crash as one of the arena doors was broken down.
"Las Vegas!" A booming voice rang out.
"Oh god, not again." Fred slapped a hand over his face. The big rubber one, not his actual face. Possibly his actual face too.
"You accept mech wrestlers?! I was told you did not accept mech wrestlers!!!"
"Wait." Kermit said. "Is that the guy they warned me about?"
"Forget whatever piddling headliner you had planned! For you will now face the greatest mech-wrestler of all time! I, El Feug-hahaHSAGBGNAHNAMNAJAGAH"
The security guard released the trigger on his taser. "Okay, I'm gonna need like, ten more guys to carry him out of here."
"Well that was pointless." Cruella noted.
Fredzilla nodded. "And with it over, it's tiiiiime for-"
"Commercials." Kermit noted.
"What? Whyyyyyyyy." Fredzilla complained, suit hunching up petulantly.
"Because they still need to sweep the pebbles out of the ring."
===
"And with that the danger of scraped knees has abated!" Fred declared, as the janitor swept the last of the gravel offstage. "With that, the carnage can resume!"
Fred raised his arms skyward, drinking in the approving roar of the crowd. "And so, if I knew where she was, I would be happy to introduce-"
Someone tapped Fred on the shoulder.
"Heya."
"Ahh!" Kermit jumped.
"Oh, hey Jade Princess." Fredzilla said calmly. "...oh, wait. Everyone! Give it up for Jade Princess!"
The crowd cheered cautiously. 'Jade Princess' was a small woman, or possibly even a teenager, it was difficult to tell behind the mask. Said mask was an absolute mess of green glitter with curving corners, coupled with a bright green one-piece. The outfit was completed by a massive, multi-foot ponytail, plaited to have a massive, rough-cut chunk of jade bound into the very tip. Jade Princess was apparently known for running on the mundane Lucha Libre circuit in Mexico, and as such those few in the audience who knew her were… uncertain.
"Hey, is that mask a gel pack?" Fredzilla asked.
Jade Princess smirked. "If I have to wear a mask, it might as well be good for my skin."
"Uh, this isn't Lucha rules. You can wear whatever costume you want." Fredzilla noted.
"As long as you use a bit less glitter." Cruella noted, wretching. "Still, you at least understand basic color coordination. I'll take what I can get."
Princess shrugged. "Eh. It's part of the outfit now, right?" She tilted her head and smiled.
"So, uh, miss Jade. What exactly are your powers?" Kermit asked nervously, meaning 'how did you sneak up on me?'.
Jade Princess slowly leaned in until she was face to felt with the frog.
"I win." She said, just loud enough for the microphone to pick up.
She brushed her hair off of her shoulder, sending her jade tip cracking wildly into the air, before marching down to the ring. A few of her most dedicated fans had made the trip from Mexico, and cheered her from the stands.
"Phew." Kermit exhaled, relaxing in his seat. "I'll admit, she spooked me."
"You're a jumpy guy, aren't you?" Fred asked.
"Uh, that's actually a little offensive. But at least I don't have to worry about that again." Kermit said as the green smoke began to billow behind him.
"Uhhhh…" Fred slowly raised a claw.
The smoke resolved itself into enough solidity for a person to step forth from it. She was a raven, tall, broad-shouldered and grim, with one eye scarred and beady and the other covered with a mask… it was probably a mask… in the shape of a skull. Dark and light blue played across her warrior's tunic, contrasting against the bright pink of her hair. She said nothing, grim as a wake, as the smoke dispersed.
"What?" Kermit asked.
"I am Hecka!" The raven quothed, "Scion of Niflheim!"
Kermit leapt screaming into Fredzilla's arms, an impressive stunt that required clever camerawork. "AAaaaah! How did you get past security?!?"
Hecka held up her security badge.
"Oh."
"I HAVE JOURNEYED ACROSS THE NINE REALMS TO SEEK WORTHY BATTLE WHILST I AWAIT THE COMING OF RAGNAROK!" Hecka screeched.
"Oh my god." Cruella said slowly. "Your… your… your outfit!"
The raven blinked. "Eh?"
Cruella leapt to her feet, completely ignoring Hecka's personal space to examine the tunic. "Genuine leather! But so perfectly dyed!"
"It is produced from the hemlock of my deathly realm." Hecka explained.
"It's color coordinated! Salvation, at last!"
"That was a really impressive entrance lady." Fred said. "I wonder what sort of toxic waste you fell into to get that sorta power. Radioactive?"
"My might springs from the deathly streams of poison that drip from the fangs of mighty Jörmungandr himself!"
"Oh, cool." Fred replied without question.
"And uh… who's that?" Kermit asked cautiously, pointing towards the enormous wolf that stalked at her side. It growled.
"Fenrir."
"O-of course." Kermit nodded frantically, keeping his hands in front of him. "Good doggy. Good doggy. Sheesh."
"That is… quite the beast." Cruella noted, breathlessly.
"Now then." Hecka said as she turned towards the ring, a green light flashing in her eyes. "Battle."
The crowd cheered wildly as Hecka leapt into the ring.
"Patrons! I see the woman I face today is but a mere mortal, not even one blessed with powers. I fear this battle may be short. But I will strive to present to you the best conflict possible!"
Jade Princess looked at her. "You talk too much." She smirked.
"Then allow me to remedy that." Hecka replied, and the bell rang.
Jade Princess leapt forward immediately, ramming her forearm into Hecka's sternum and following it up with a flurry of powerful kicks. Hecka… took it. With each blow she barely flinched, glaring down at her shorter foe without a hint of expression.
"Finally!" Cruella declared, as if on the cusp of an oasis. "A match with style."
"Does Jade Princess really have no powers?!" Kermit asked worriedly. "What was she thinking? I know she's a veteran and all, but she could get hurt!"
"I guess the outcome really isn't in doubt, is it?" Fred asked.
"I'll say." Kermit agreed.
"She's absolutely going to win! Everyone loves an underdog."
Kermit groaned. The crowd, meanwhile, gasped as Princess landed yet another hit to no apparent effect.
"You know." She said, taking a moment to back off and examine Hecka. "You're beginning to annoy me."
Hecka simply stared.
"Well then. If you're going to make it easy…"
Hecka swung. Jade Princess pulled back, attempting to roll with the hit, only to find the incredible strength far more than she had anticipated. She rocked back, stumbling, and grimaced at what was definitely going to be a nasty bruise.
"Ohhh, seems like Jade Princess isn't used to what Super Strength can do in the ring!" Fredzilla declared, mic swinging wildly in his claw. "Can she recover?"
Hecka moved in for another strike, but this time Jade Princess knew what she was dealing with. She leapt nimbly out of the way, causing Hecka's eyes to widen slightly. While she was swift, Princess seemed swifter, and avoided each new assault with inches to spare.
"Okay." Princess said, shaking herself off. "New rule: don't get hit."
Jade Princess backed off, taking a moment to breathe. Those most in the audience would not realize it, her demeanor changed ever so slightly. A stance shifted into perfect balance, a palm twisted back into the crook of her waist. Hecka had just enough time to become curious before she was flung bodily across the ring, crashing messily against the ropes and tumbling to the ground.
"Oh my god that woman just went flying!" Kermit yelled, arms flailing in the air even as the crowd roared.
Fenrir bounded towards the ring, snout nuzzling for his master and growling at her foe.
"The things I could do with that pelt…" Cruella mused.
"Ah ah ah." Princess smiled. "This isn't a tag team. Though I suppose someone needs to fight me if your mommy went down that easy."
Hecka's eyes opened, and began glowing green.
"Uh-" Jade Princess began.
Hecka rose vertebrae by vertebrae, head, neck, and finally spine lifting unnaturally from the floor. Once she was upright she lifted her arms, rising into the air on a wash of acid green energy before bringing her arm down for an elbow drop. Princess avoided the bird's wing easily, a fact that left her confused. How had she missed so easily?
Then Hecka impacted the ring, and a wave of necrotic energy spread out from the point of impact, sweeping Princess off her feet and throwing her violently to the ground.
"Hel yeah!" Fredzilla cheered.
"Fred! This is televised." Kermit chided.
"What? Oh, no, one L."
"One L?"
"Hel."
"Hel?"
"Hel, yeah."
The crowd crowed various bloody-minded declarations regarding sending Princess to the afterlife, most of which were mythologically inaccurate. Hecka grabbed at Jade Princess, catching her arm in a vice grip and nearly forcing her to the ground before the other woman rolled out of it, springing to her feet just in time to respond to a flurry of blows. Hecka pressed Jade Princess, forcing her backwards towards the rope. Suddenly, Princess whipped her head around, sending the rock at the end of her ponytail slamming into the bird's face and forcing out a grunt of pain.
"Good to know that still works." Princess noted, before using the chance to dance behind the grim omen. Before Hecka could recover, she slipped her arms into Hecka's, pulling her arms up and locking the bird in a Full Nelson.
"She's trying to go strength to strength!" Kermit declared.
"C'mon you pansy! You think you're tough??!?! I fought Goku!" Jade Princess screamed into Hecka's face.
Hecka's beak clenched, her muscles flexing as they fought against the Jade Princess's hold. A moment passed, two, three, and then in a burst of green light Hecka ripped her arms outwards, freeing herself from the grasp. Fenrir howled in triumph.
"Arm wrestling with death, not a great plan." Fred said.
The two of them traded blows for the span of a long moment, Hecka's raw power competing with Jade Princess's speed and agility. Hecka's deathly powers sprang out at unexpected moments, forcing Princess to adapt to each new trick up Hecka's sleeve. The strain started to show, sweat running down her face as her dodges grew closer and closer with each passing second. When the blows did come they came hard, enhanced speed and strength that a human could not match.
It was inevitable that luck would run out. A loose dodge made Jade Princess stumble, and that was wall Hecka needed to put a firm hand on her. From there, Hecka hoisted Princess onto her shoulders as if she weighed nothing.
"Ohhh, a classic Hel's Blot maneuver." Fredzilla declared, eyes locked on the match. "But that would mean… gasp! Hecka can only be planning to finish this now, with… The Knee of Glory!!!"
"Where are you getting these names?" Cruella asked.
"Making them up, right now!" Fred replied.
Hecka lifted Jade Princess over her head, legs trapped on either side even as the girl struggled in her grasp. Then, with hardly a moment's warning, Hecka let go. As Jade Princess fell to earth, Hecka firmed her stance, prepared her leg, and kneed Jade Princess directly in the solar plexus.
For Jade Princess, it was like having the wind taken out of you and not put back in. The pain was there, yes, but worse was the feeling. The feeling of having your strength sap out of your bones, your limbs fail you, even your vision dim and fade away. Princess did not rise when she impacted the mat.
The crowd went mad, many cheering for the incredible display but a few worried for the fate of the underdog.
Hecka said nothing, merely turning towards the referee and waiting with cold, unfeeling eyes that waited for the carrion to be pronounced dead.
"Will the Jade Princess rise… Nevermore????" Fredzilla asked breathlessly. "Folks, it's not looking good. One…"
Jade Princess grunted. A hand twitched and scrabbled for purchase upon the ground. It was not ending like this. She had fought worse than this chick. She'd fought a bull troll. Okay. So her brother had fought the troll, mostly. She'd been there.
"Two…"
One of the benefits of Jade Princess' training regimen was the ability to push one's body well past the point that they would regret it in the morning. Princess, slowly, struggled to her hands and knees.
"Thre… what's this?!?!"
The crowd gasped in shock as the petite woman pulled herself up against impossible odds. There was a moment of quiet and then, one by one, it began:
"Princess! Princess! Princess!"
The crowd was on her side, now.
But she was only going to get one shot.
She leapt, attempting to tackle Hecka about the waist. She succeeded in catching her off guard, but Hecka was too strong to be knocked fully off balance. Instead, she dropped to the ground, using Princess' own momentum to wrap her legs around Princess' waist.
Oh. Jade Princess thought. D'a-
Heck wrapped her arms around Princess' chest, and began to choke her. Hecka squeezed, and Jade Princess saw white. In desperation she went limp, falling to the ground and pulling Hecka with her. She let it happen, not letting up her grip for a second.
Unbidden, a thought from her old sensei entered her mind, slightly dazed from the oxygen deprivation. Something about how… when a foe had you, they tended to forget about everything else. Left them vulnerable to what they weren't focused on. Weren't… focused on…
Jade Princess locked her feet around Hecka's talons. Hecka squawked in surprise. A fractional reduction in the pressure being put on her jugular allowed her to start applying her own pressure, bending the raven's legs in was the rigid limbs were definitely not meant to go.
"Agh! Those are hollow!" Hecka screamed. The crowd gasped.
"Tap out or you'll prove it to me!" Jade Princess bellowed, before dropping her voice much lower. "Sorry about that, no hard feelings. The fans love that stuff."
"I SAID. TAP. OUT!" She screamed again. Hecka snarled, hands beginning to glow, but Princess locked her own arms in place, keeping Hecka from using her ability to drain. Fenrir howled, unable to help his master.
Jade Princess tightened her legs a bit further, and Hecka tapped out.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" Fred and Kermit bellowed at exactly the same time, moving so fast they left Cruella's hair askew. The crowd exploded into approving hoots and cheers, the entire stadium deafening itself with the raucous applause.
"From the brink of destruction, newcomer Jade Princess has taken down the goddess of death herself!" Kermit declared.
"No one will be underestimating the Lucha Libre after this." Fred agreed. "What a performance!"
Hecka bowed to Jade Princess, her form already fading into a pillar of green light. "You have been a worthy foe. May the Valkyries carry you to Valhalla on your last battle."
"Uh, sure."
"It's all over but the applause, folks." Kermit said. "Thank you for tuning in to this broadcast of the Titans Wrestling Federation. The Super Struggle!"
"I thought it was the Colossal Tussle." Cruella said.
"Aw man!" Fred groaned. "That would have been way better!"
===
Down in the ring, Jade Princess gladly accepted a towel from her assistant. She had about seventy different aches and bruises that were going to be killing her in the morning, at least one of which was probably supernatural. Still, not a bad showing, taking down a heavyweight in her first go.
"Uh, excuse me, miss? Ma'am? There's a message for you."
"Who from?" Jade Princess asked, turning to a very nervous looking gofer.
"He uh… he won't say."
Jade Princess took the phone with a look of vague curiosity.
Juliet Butler was out of the city within the hour.
===
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