Warhammer Fantasy: Divided Loyalties - an Advisor's Quest

[Exmorri]

AssembleRunery was good enough for the Ancestors, and it's still good enough now, by Morgrim.

Click to shrink...

Great, now you guys have me writing up a longer and sillier list.

Warhammer Faction Programming Languages:

Elves write in Lisp: invented at the dawn of time, looks incomprehensible to normal humans, full of elegant curvature, mostly stays aloof and distant from every other language.
Imperials write in Java: it only sometimes explodes, it's full of squiggles and messy bits, there's a lot of rote chanting of "public static void main String args" by people who don't really understand what they're doing but it seems to work.
Dwarfs write in Rust: full of safety guarantees to prevent unwanted exploding, but it's complicated and intimidating and obscure enough that it's rarely seen outside the Dwarf Programming Guilds.
Vampires write in C: in many ways similar to Java, but more powerful and more dangerous and even more likely to explode if you're not a vampire with a hundred years of experience.
Tomb Kings write in COBOL: it's ancient, it's full of traps for the unwary, if it's in working order you probably shouldn't touch it or you'll get blamed for everything that goes wrong.
Slann write in Assembler: the raw power of the universe at your fingertips, but it takes ages to read through it trying to understand the Great Plan, and a typo can easily mess up everything instead of just being a syntax error.
Chaos writes in Perl: OCR'ed paint splatter is a valid program, everyone else thinks this is bullshit hax and the chaos gods cheat, that shouldn't work.
Skaven write in PHP: it's a fractal of bad design propped up by Warpstone, C wrappers, and a kitchen-sink/copy-paste design style. Regularly collapses but there's always more.
The Golden Age wrote in Python: the elves streamlined the keywords and design of the language, the dwarfs demanded everything must be precisely and exactly indented.

No, dwaves code in Java: it's pretty good with objects, not so with more abstract models; it's good for banks and enterprise application but too cumbersome for bashing an MVP together in a week; it's big on inheritance; it's pretty depending on Ancestor Corporations.
Humans code in JavaScript: allegedly inspired by Java but nothing like it; really messy but very prolific; multiparadigmal but using multiple paradigms at once results in Dhar; ecosystem changes very fast.

Click to shrink...

You have a valid point.

Orcs program in Matlab: Nobody, including the users, is sure if it should count as a programming language, but they don't care anyway because they're busy throwing together things until it works. It also has a little brother for people without enough teef, which is basically the same except not.

Click to shrink...

 

[NSMS]

Sub GOLDPUNCHER ()

Dim Target as Object
Dim TargetList() as Object
Dim CTarget as Object
Dim Surroundings as Area
Dim PunchLim as Integer
Dim PunchCount as Integer
Dim ProbPres as Integer
Dim Answer as Variant
Dim Answer2 as Variant

ProbPres = 0
Set Surroundings = ActiveArea
For Each Target in Surroundings.Objects

If IDProblem(Target) = True then​

ProbPres = ProbPres + 1​

ReDim Preserve TargetList(1 to ProbPres)​

Set TargetList(ProbPres) = Target​

End if​

Next

PunchLim = 5
Do While ProbPres <> 0

PunchCount = 0​

Set CTarget = TargetList(ProbPres)​

​

Do While PunchCount < PunchLim​

Call MAXIMUMPUNCH(CTarget)​

​

If IDProblem(CTarget) = False Then​

'Current problem dealt with​

PunchCount = PunchLim​

Else​

PunchCount = PunchCount + 1​

If PunchCount = PunchLim​

Answer = MsgBox("Punching " & CTarget.Name & " does not appear to be working! Maybe you should try something else?", vbYesNo)​

If Answer = vbNo then​

PunchCount = 0​

Else​

Answer2 = vbNullString​

Do While Answer2 <> vbYes​

Answer2 = MsgBox("You appear to have said you don't want to keep punching. Surely this is a mistake?", vbYesNo)​

Loop​

PunchCount = 0​

End If​

End If​

End If​

Loop​

ProbPres = ProbPres - 1​

Loop

MsgBox "All problems successfully punched!"

End Sub

 

[BurnNote]

I mean, Abelhelm only got his seat after a long series of Electors died by various means in a short period of time, right? I'm pretty sure it was implied most of those guys got assassinated. Except for the one who like, summoned a demon on accident or something. It's been a while and those were early days, so I forget the exact circumstances.

Click to shrink...

It all depends which army book you appear in, and how much the writer of the day likes you. The Haupt-Andersens appeared in a Vampire splat book, and got repeatedly stomped in a side bar for the vampire thrall model. In that book, they run a conspiracy that goes to the highest echelons of power, and can snare even Grey Wizards.

Of course, it mustn't have worked well enough in drumming up sales, or a new guy in charge really hated vampires, because they decided to stomp them right to hell in the next splat. There, you have a journeyman wizard repeatedly beat the vampires in their shadow games on her lonesome, where previously the whole Grey Order was basically helpless. Then super wizard and the new Elector Count, a Witch Hunter (notice anything with that?) and descendant of Frederik van Hal (aka the guy who fucked up Sylvania in the first place) team up and tear down Castle Drakenhof. Most of the fanbase expects them to just flat out drop Vampires as a main line army, because where do you go from there?

That's a rhetorical question, by the way. The next book, a dwarfen splat for the new K8P subfaction, mentions the ECs daughter proceeded to stomp on the vampires some more, since they apparently wanted to make their position on vampire fans clear.

Because I'm already ranting, do you know why we know this, since it's from a dwaf book, but involves no dwarfs? Because super wizard (now a magister) is one of their lords (yes, one of three lords in a dwarf army book is a wizard. Surely that's completely sane and not at all lore breaking), and it's mentioned how she likes to show up for some vampire dunking now and then. In between casually conquering Karak-bloody-Eight-Peaks (and it is casually, since they make it a point to mention how quick and bloodless the whole thing goes down, especially the final battle she commands. Because that makes sense, but then they did the same for Drakenhof), building magical superweapons (yes, in a dwarfhold), and destroying million+ Waaghs with magical superweapons. You can't make that shit up (unless your GW, I guess).

I haven't even mentioned all of it. She's also super rich and best friends with the Empress (a former Haupt-Andersen, just to really drive the point home, and then that little extra bit further). That isn't the end of it either (bloody pseudo runefangs), but I don't want to be sued for reprinting copyrighted material.

At this point, the only way we'll get a vampire army book is if they decide she's a secret mega necromancer for some reason that would surely make total sense. No, I'm not bitter about my favorite army getting kicked to the curb in the lore. Incidentally, anyone want to buy some models?

Well, Elfs are slated for the next book, so hopefully we'll get a reprieve there. I'd say they can't shoehorn Ms Perfect into those when she's palling around with dwarfs, but that would feel too much like tempting fate.

 

[Redshirt Army]

A little late, but have a celebration picture.

Spoiler: 5000 Pages!

 

[picklepikkl]

Since thread madness appears to have set in, here is my contribution: a character mapping chart for a bunch of our favorites on the eternal axes of Jock vs. Nerd and Goth vs. Prep.

As ever, this is not merely my opinion, but 100% accurate and canon, don't @ me I'm right.

Spoiler

 

[das_slash]

I present to you, a totally objective evaluation.

 

[Alliterate]

Waaaghltzing Mathilde
Karak Eight Peaks (Undumgi traditional)

Once a grumbly wizard camped by a caldera
Under the shade of a big Gazul eye,
And she sang as she watched and waited till the soil boiled,
"I'll kill a Waaagh. Sing Mathilde, it me."

Chorus:
Waaagh sings Mathilde, Waaagh sings Mathilde,
I'll kill a Waaagh. Sing Mathilde, it me,
And she sang as she watched and waited till the soil boiled,
"I'll kill a Waaagh. Sing Mathilde, it me."

Down came a vampire to drink at that Elector,
Up jumped the wizard and stabbed him with glee,
And she sang as she shoved that vampire in her tucker bag,
"All for Van Hal" sings Mathilde, sadly.

(Chorus)

Up rode the wizard, mounted on her shadowhorse.
Down came the clandwarves, one, two, and three.
"Whose is that vampire you've got in your tucker bag?
You killed a Necrarch? Sing Mathilde, with me."

(Chorus)

Up jumped the wizard and sprang into the caldera.
"You'll never see me coming!" said she
And her shadow may be seen as you pass by that caldera:
"I'll kill a Waaagh. Sing Mathilde, it me."

(Chorus)


Alternate lyrics:
"Woe Sings Mathilde"

Once a shabby Skaven clan camped under a caldera
Until a shade of terror appeared,
And they sang as they twitched and cowered while the Chieftan died,
"Not-not a Beard-thing! Mathilde, to flee!"

Chorus:
Woe sings Mathilde, Woe sings Mathilde
Who's first for Woe, sings Mathilde to thee.
And they sang as they twitched and cowered while the Chieftan died,
"Not-not a Beard-thing! Mathilde, to flee!"

Down came the Shadow-thing, made of death and pure terror
Clan Mors and Moulder would probably agree...
And they sang as her shadow pierced their fearful hearts that day
"Not-not a Beard-thing! Mathilde, to flee!"

(Chorus)

(Edited: to expand the alternate/Skaven verses)

 

[Alliterate]

I'm sure we'll be hearing all about mixed race idol groups making the rounds of all the hottest clubs in the Karaz Ankor any day now.

Click to shrink...

Belegar is a Fullbeard, he grew up more into old-school Beard(ling) Bands.

(High King) Bye, bye, bye

High King
Bye, bye
Bye, bye
Oh oh.

I'm doin' this tonight
You're probably gonna start a fight
I know this can't be right
Hey Thorgrim come on

I loved you sincerely
Then you weren't there for me
So now it's time to leave and make it alone

I know that I can't take no more
It ain't no lie
I wanna see you out that door
Dawi bye, bye, bye

Don't wanna be a fool for you
Just another player in your game for two
'Cause you may grudge me but it ain't no lie
Dawi bye, bye, bye

Don't really wanna make it tough
I just wanna tell you that I've had enough
It might sound crazy
But it ain't no lie
Dawi bye, bye, bye

(Oh, Oh)
Just hit me with the truth
Dawi you're more than welcome to
So give me one good reason
Thorgrim come on

I live for all Dawi
And now I really come to see
That life would be much better once you're gone

I know that I can't take no more
It ain't no lie
I wanna see you out that door
High King bye, bye, bye

Don't wanna be a fool for you
Just another player in your game for two
You may grudge me but it ain't no lie
Dawi bye, bye, bye

Don't really wanna make it tough
I just wanna tell you that I've had enough
It might sound crazy
But it ain't no lie
Dawi bye, bye, bye

I'm giving up I know for sure
I don't wanna be the reason for your lies no more
I'm checkin' out and I'm signin' off
Don't wanna be the loser and I've had enough

I don't wanna be a fool in this game for two
So I'm leavin' you behind
Bye, bye, bye
I don't wanna make it tough (Make it tough)
But I've had enough
Bye, bye, bye
I don't wanna be a fool for you (I don't wanna be a fool)
Just another player in your game for two
I don't wanna a be your fool
But it ain't no lie Dawi
Bye, bye, bye
I don't really wanna make it tough (I don't wanna make it tough)
I just wanna tell you that I've had enough
Might sound crazy but it ain't no lie
Bye, bye, bye

 

[Alliterate]

somehow, from outside the hold, mine a hole between the underway and the massive lake

Click to shrink...

In Barak Varr, where I was born
Lived a dwarf who drilled the sea
And he told us of his life
In the land of submarines

So we sailed up the river
Till we found the lake of grim
And we drilled beneath the waves
In our dawi submarine

We all drill in a dawi submarine
Dawi submarine, dawi submarine
We all drill in a dawi submarine
Dawi submarine, dawi submarine

And our clan are all on board
Many more of them live next door
And the drill begins to grind

We all drill in a dawi submarine
Dawi submarine, dawi submarine
We all drill in a dawi submarine
Dawi submarine, dawi submarine

 

[Derpmind]

It's BOOKBOON writ large.

Click to shrink...