Chapter 480, Part 2: The Aegis of the Advocate
- Location
- UK
- Pronouns
- He/Him
"Does anybody challenge this transaction?" Anko demanded in a roar that seemed like it made the entire building shake. Kei mentally awarded her a couple of points, bringing the total to -998.
SLAM.
The heavy double doors flew open.
"I do!"
Six figures in ominous black garb were silhouetted dramatically against the blizzard outside before they strode into the building. Five took up position across the entrance as if to cut off retreat, while the sixth took a step forward. Winter boots scattered snow across the clean floor.
The metal filaments running through Lord Hagoromo's beard glinted malevolently in the candlelight as he studied the hall. A satisfied smile made its way onto his face as he thrust his hand forward, allowing a scroll to unfurl from it nearly to the floor.
"In accordance with ancient rights given to the Hagoromo in the Founding Laws, I, Hagoromo Ritsuo, hereby suspend this unverified religious ceremony on suspicion of heresy. You may think the law is your personal plaything to abuse, Lady Nara, but even the likes of you aren't beyond our ancestors' foresight!"
"Heresy?" Kei invited him to elaborate. Behind her, she could feel Anko's grin expand to fill all available space.
"Heresy most foul," Lord Hagoromo confirmed. "As religious advisors to every Hokage, starting with the first, the heads of the Hagoromo Clan are entitled to inspect any religious ritual for signs of heresy, whether accidental through impious failure to study the proper rites or wilful as a betrayal of the Will of Fire. And why, I can already see signs that this so-called commitment ceremony of yours is rife with violations of the basic principles of Fire Country worship. Before the day is done, I will have it declared invalid, and petition the Hokage to revise the Concubine Laws such that they can in good faith be administered by the Hagoromo, as that is clearly the only way to protect future participants from being exposed to heresy at amateur hands.
"Honestly, Lady Nara," he added smugly, "you make it far too easy for me. Three participants, and one of them your own shadow clone? It is as if a man preparing for divorce were to spy on his wife to find proof of her unfaithfulness, only to see that instead of a paramour she was rutting with animals and civilians."
Behind Kei, Anko's grin disappeared. No matter; she would fix that shortly.
"Should I infer from this," Kei asked mildly, "that you are accusing myself and all others present at this ceremony of heresy?"
Lord Hagoromo's eyes scanned over the room, seeing Anko glaring from behind the lectern and the Gōketsu sitting on the benches. "I most certainly am," he said with poorly-concealed glee. "Dispel your clone and come quietly, and perhaps I will appeal for leniency in light of your barbarian origins."
"That is certainly an option," Kei agreed, casually biting her thumb. "Summoning Technique: Panchipāma, Pangaya." She took a swig from the flask at her hip. "Summoning Technique: Pandā, Panjandrum."
"Summoning Technique: Candoru, Canun."
"Summoning Technique: Gamatatakai, Gamasēji."
"Summoning Technique: Kamangetsamu, Kaminari."
"Eh. Summoning Technique: Nameruna."
"Noble summon allies," Kei continued, "we have been invaded by impostors claiming to be members of the Hagoromo Clan. Please stand ready to restrain them should they draw weapons or otherwise act in a hostile fashion."
Lord Hagoromo's eyes bulged as eleven Seventh Path warriors, the shortest coming up to his waist and the tallest stooping to avoid the chandeliers, surrounded his party in a tight circle. "This is an outrage! Threatening a clan head with deadly violence? I will see you executed for this, you treasonous little upstart!"
"What clan head?" Kei asked innocently. "Surely you do not mean to imply that it was Lord Hagoromo himself who stormed in here and levied accusations of heresy against"—she beckoned the guests who had been seated around the edges of the room, out of sight of the door, to take their original places near the centre—"the heads of the Nara, Yamanaka, Gōketsu, Senju, and Uzumaki Clans, the heir of the Hyūga Clan, the Pangolin, Toad, Dog, Turtle, and Slug Summoners, all three of the KEI coordinators, and even the Very High Priest of the Church of Youth? With my barbarian origins, I am far too ignorant to conceive of what that would mean for the Hagoromo's future."
There was a chill silence as Lord Hagoromo considered his options in the face of Naruto's diabolical grin, Tsunade's "Were you really about to try to ruin a wedding for me again, boy?" expression, Shikamaru making a show of leafing through a book of law, and Hanabi giving a friendly wave so suffused with subtle malice that it filled Kei's heart with pride. Anko's contribution was to bring out a bowl of honeyed nuts.
"It is a pleasure to be so clearly understood, mysterious impostor," Kei said before he could decide on a response. "I should also mention that the Commitment Ceremony is, legally speaking, a secular transaction underpinned by the principles of alliance negotiations and validated by the Hokage's Office. It is orthogonal to any religious issues, including worship of the Will of Fire, and any accusation of heresy is thus inherently a punishable act of slander."
Lord Hagoromo's glare could have melted steel.
"As for Snowflake, my shadow clone…"
She glanced sideways at Snowflake, who nodded.
"Several weeks ago," Kei said, "Special Liaison Pandā of the Holy Pangolin Empire's Diplomatic Corps"—she indicated the little pangolin—"found himself wishing to personally engage in financial transactions with merchants of the Human Path. Naturally afraid of being cheated by the notoriously treacherous humans, and aware that as a non-human he would have no legal recourse in the event, he headed to the Tower in the company of a helpful Nara lawyer. As it happens, the Tower bureaucrats were not prepared to set a global precedent that Leaf refuses to defend its summon allies from Human Path abuse. Pandā is now formally registered in Leaf as a foreign legal entity, with myself as a sponsor with full legal responsibility for his actions. A much more palatable precedent for all concerned.
"Snowflake, whose nature as an independent being you would be aware of if you had bothered to gather intelligence on your target—though I recognise that intelligence is not your strong suit—is functionally identical to a summon, being a unique sapient mind contained in a chakra shell during its intermittent appearances on the Human Path. As of the conclusion of this ceremony, she will have entered a binding legal agreement with a Leaf citizen under the Hokage's seal, and will therefore be formally recognised as a legal entity, also with myself as a sponsor."
A few of the guests took breaks from smirking or glaring at Lord Hagoromo to stare at her in bogglement. Snowflake, despite having known the plan all along, seemed like she barely dared to breathe.
"Needless to say, being an analogue of alliance rather than marriage, there is no legal reason for what has come to be known as the companionship bond to be limited to two persons. Strictly speaking, there is no requirement of romance either, although I suppose the same could be said of marriage. The best structures are those that are most flexible, a concept I am aware is beyond you."
Kei took a few steps down from the ceremonial dais, towards Lord Hagoromo.
"None surpass the Nara in matters of law, nor the Gōketsu in going pretty damn far for their family. More than the power to stop us, you lack the imagination."
She stepped closer, and the summons parted just enough to leave a clear line of sight.
"On this special day, I ask our honoured guests to refrain from vengeance for accusations made by some inconsequential man with delusions of grandeur. This is the only mercy you will receive. Threaten me or those in my care again, and I swear before the powers assembled here that I will make you beg in dogeza for your clan's survival, and perhaps I will merely shatter it and remake it to my own taste in light of its historical services to Leaf.
"Now get out of my sight, you feeble relic of a dying age of bigotry."
Lord Hagoromo looked at the eleven summons, then at the ten chūnin, one chūnin by metaphysical extension, three special jōnin, one effigy of chaos, and two demigods.
His clansmen pulled the double doors open. He got out of her sight.
-o-
"Kei, honey, I love you," Anko told her the second she was done giggling maniacally. "I'd marry you if I wasn't confused as hell about what that meant right now."
Was it too late to seek sanctuary in Orochimaru's Basement?
No, wait, rumoured former apprentice. It would have to be the kill list after all.
For now, though, Anko could live a little longer, for it was time. The guests were arrayed in their proper places: on the left, Kei and Snowflake's side, the Gōketsu were joined by Shikamaru, Shiori, Naruto, Ino, and Hanabi. On the right, Hyūga and Rock Lee found themselves overshadowed by Tsunade, who had no connection to Tenten whatsoever, but simply wanted the extra space to herself. (After Tsunade had saved her life, it would have been the act of an ingrate not to invite her to a wedding-adjacent ceremony, and besides, it had made Lord Hagoromo's horror all the sweeter.)
"Does anybody who is less of a dick challenge this transaction?" Anko asked.
"No? What about anybody who is more of a dick?"
"Not possible!" Naruto called out.
"Damn straight."
Anko reached into the cavity inside the lectern and extracted three certificates bearing the Hokage's seal.
"All right, girls and girls, stamp your seals in the bottom right—in triplicate, just like true love is meant to be. Close together, now, or there won't be room for Snowflake's."
As a high-ranking Nara, after her wedding Kei had received a seal of traditional black onyx. Tenten's was simple wood, and she would not care enough to make a more expensive one a worthwhile gift. At the Gōketsu Clan's inception, Jiraiya had procured malachite seals for them all, for no better reason than the fact that it went with the clan colours; Hazō, who would sooner give up lists than discard an element of Jiraiya's legacy, had naturally spent a ghastly sum on another when told that Gōketsu Snowflake needed a formal way to sign her name.
Kei's seal was the heaviest object she had ever held. It contained her love, first hesitant and then overwhelming. It contained her bond with her diverging other self. It contained a defiance of law, society, and metaphysics, each of which she would remake when they stood between her and the future she dreamed of. It contained a trailblazer's promise to share her selfish happiness with all the others whose love was rejected because it was unconventional. When it struck parchment, she could feel the earth shift beneath her feet.
Once. Twice. Thrice.
"By the authority vested in me by the Hokage, what the hell was he thinking," Anko said solemnly, "I hereby pronounce you Advocate and Companion and Companion. You may—"
Tenten was quicker on the draw than Kei, which was just as well, since she was able to clap her hand over Anko's mouth where Kei would have been forced to exercise more extreme measures.
Instead, she pressed two fingers to her lips. Then to Tenten's. Then to Snowflake's.
She was, she told herself, not going to cry a third time. Snowflake was taking care of that quite nicely.
Then again, from an external perspective, that was indistinguishable from Kei crying. Clearly, she would have to murder Anko twice.
Behind them, a muted Anko made a series of urgent upward gestures at the audience, and after a second's delay, the hall burst into cheers. Noburi whooped. Hanabi waved her arms, breaking out of character in a fashion Kei would forgive just this once. Hyūga clapped for Tenten, while turned at a slight angle as if to pretend the Kei side of the event did not exist. Tsunade was looking at Kei and not scowling. Rock Lee was Rock Lee.
As Naruto deployed an entire clone chorus of celebration (she had asked him to refrain), Pandā gave mortifyingly inaccurate explanations of her love life to the other summons, Hazō pulled out some ominous object wrapped in spider web, and Shiori held Shikamaru back from sneaking towards the exit, Kei decided that, yes, today was the most special of them all.
-o-
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