I'm sorry, I'm just having a really really hard time understanding what's going on at pretty much any point. I get H and K are Hazou and Kagome, but then you mentioned the Sharingan, K speaks with morse code seals and it's not mentioned how he lost his voice, and I don't know what 'abstinence' means in this context or why seals are better than it, and Keiko isn't listed as a past Pangolin summoner so apparently she didn't even die she just never was there, and the 'context' box at the bottom doesn't explain any of this.....? :/
This AU let Hazou develop the Sharingan in the decades he's been a sealmaster.
Kagome speaks in morse code because something destroyed his vocal cords and he uses seals to replicate vocal communication. I don't think we are meant to know what did it.
'Abstinence' would mean taking away Kagome's seals, which didn't seem to work well. Letting him have seals but keeping the top of his stack as just blueprints means his instinctive 'draw seal and blow up the stinkers' would draw paper instead of explosives.
This AU had Hazou minmax EM immediately and nuke Hidden Mountain, where he retrieved the Pangolin Scroll from the rubble.
I don't know what happened to the rest of Team Uplift. Maybe they died in an attack from Hidden Mountain?
Hazou and Kagome returned to Kagome strats of hiding in the woods away from everyone, so they're still missing-nin and the world has moved on without them.
If I had to guess at the 'context', it's the idea that finding ways to assassinate people is better than finding ways to nuke people. Either that or it is preferable to take out the assassins of the world before taking out the nukes of the world. Either way, it looks like H and K are working out a way to change the world by killing enough people that the old order falls.
Maybe H and K just attempted to assassinate Jiraiya, but the attempt failed because Jiraiya knew about the seal they were using somehow. I don't know, hopefully the second part explains more.
If I had to guess at the 'context', it's the idea that finding ways to assassinate people is better than finding ways to nuke people. Either that or it is preferable to take out the assassins of the world before taking out the nukes of the world. Either way, it looks like H and K are working out a way to change the world by killing enough people that the old order falls.
H+K are assassins trying to remove nukes from the world. They killed HM because most ninja there knew Elemental Mastery. FWIW they didn't nuke it, they used plain old explosive tags.
Maybe H and K just attempted to assassinate Jiraiya,
My model of the difficulties here is that 1) your text is rather dense and hard to parse, and 2) it is not immediately apparent to the reader that the effort required to critically engage with the text to tease out details is worth the payoff.
1) The initial ask here is relatively enormous, and there isn't much in the way of reward or payoff, only an ever-growing "ask" deficit. At no point is the reader given a break to digest what's been thrown at them, or to work through implications of what they've read. It doesn't help either that the entropy of each sentence, especially at the start, is significantly higher than average for pretty much anything that isn't an academic work, much less "omake." Further, the viewpoint character is written as frantic and distressed; this is at complete odds with the, frankly, purple prose. That kind of juxtaposition is powerful and jarring, although used here it is extraneous and goes entirely unused, being both unnecessary and unwarranted.
2) All at once, you're attempting to set a scene, dumping loads of exposition, (re)defining characters, attempting to build rapport with those characters, developing those characters, building suspense for future conflicts, and actually enacting the scene, all the while being rather reticent/cryptic with hard details or any direct explanations. Given my personal knowledge of you as the writer, I do believe there is a great deal of substance here and that you've given it a lot of thought, but that isn't well-reflected in the text itself.
...
All that said, I like your ideas here and would enjoy reading more in this AU.
...And probably take this with a grain of salt -- I'm a harsh critic.
I think the only major problem is in the flow and the framing of things. I need to exert nontrivial mental effort to keep up with what Hazou's thought processes are and to parse them and give meaning to whats being said. Similarly, even after I have done so I don't really have enough information to get more than a vague sense of whats going on (Hazou and Kagome are plotting to kill Jiraiya for some reason).
Besides that, I liked everything. If you fleshed out the AU elements a bit more and gave the reader time to digest with some more scene-descriptive stuff, it would probably fix those issues as I see them. Interesting concept too.
My model of the difficulties here is that 1) your text is rather dense and hard to parse, and 2) it is not immediately apparent to the reader that the effort required to critically engage with the text to tease out details is worth the payoff.
Some of this is intentional; I get that the style isn't everyone's favourite (to put it mildly), but I write mostly for myself so I can handle a little nicheness. I also don't write much, so I try to do things differently each time. But I don't think that's the whole of it: I've had this issue with much less flowery text, and there's a difference between being subtle and being obtuse, which I am clearly not close to mastering. Thankfully I don't have the same issue with technical writing!
That kind of juxtaposition is powerful and jarring, although used here it is extraneous and goes entirely unused, being both unnecessary and unwarranted.
Seriously, when, if ever, would you consider this kind of thing necessary? It's always seemed very for-its-own-sake for me, which is fine and I've enjoyed books like it, but I see no reason you couldn't have a Plain English version of Foucault's Pendulum. (Admittedly I'm no Umberto Eco, but that doesn't mean I can't pretend.)
Some of this is intentional; I get that the style isn't everyone's favourite (to put it mildly), but I write mostly for myself so I can handle a little nicheness. I also don't write much, so I try to do things differently each time. But I don't think that's the whole of it: I've had this issue with much less flowery text, and there's a difference between being subtle and being obtuse, which I am clearly not close to mastering. Thankfully I don't have the same issue with technical writing!
Seriously, when, if ever, would you consider this kind of thing necessary? It's always seemed very for-its-own-sake for me, which is fine and I've enjoyed books like it, but I see no reason you couldn't have a Plain English version of Foucault's Pendulum. (Admittedly I'm no Umberto Eco, but that doesn't mean I can't pretend.)
For what it's worth, my reaction is opposed to much of the commentary I see above. I didn't have trouble following it, picking up clues from context as I went along, and I found it quite engaging. I enjoy the "in media res, make sure you keep up" style of storytelling, although it's not everyone's cup of tea. In particular, the frantic pacing did a good job of conveying the panic in H's head and pulling me into the scene.
The only thing I didn't get is what the discovery was that was causing them to want to kill Jiraiya; it's obviously some existential risk that they know he has, but I don't know exactly what. That's probably just because it hasn't been shown yet, but if it was shown then I didn't get it.
That was a good AU.
Looking back through the thread, I don't really feel that I had the same problems as everyone else, re: understanding things.
In "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman", Richard Feynman talks about how he mentally modeled mathematical problems (puzzles) college students would ask him, and he would build each bit of the puzzle from void one bit of information at a time, holding the entirety of it in his mind as they went.
The only thing I didn't get is what the discovery was that was causing them to want to kill Jiraiya; it's obviously some existential risk that they know he has, but I don't know exactly what. That's probably just because it hasn't been shown yet, but if it was shown then I didn't get it.
Great to know . I did disperse a bunch of direct explanations or context in the text (even basic things like the [AU] in the title), so it's good to hear they're helping.
and he had a long scar along his throat, a story for another time
Yet they were alone, as H had been from the day he decided to run from Mist, as K had been since the events that left him the Black Hunter in Iron, so he didn't mind shouting a little.
H had tried removing his most easily accessible seals, since he ended up reducing things to rubble on reflex more often than not, but this just made him twitchier, more prone to explosive violence. Now they just replaced his outermost seals with blueprints,
For what it's worth, my reaction is opposed to much of the commentary I see above. I didn't have trouble following it, picking up clues from context as I went along, and I found it quite engaging. I enjoy the "in media res, make sure you keep up" style of storytelling, although it's not everyone's cup of tea. In particular, the frantic pacing did a good job of conveying the panic in H's head and pulling me into the scene.
The only thing I didn't get is what the discovery was that was causing them to want to kill Jiraiya; it's obviously some existential risk that they know he has, but I don't know exactly what. That's probably just because it hasn't been shown yet, but if it was shown then I didn't get it.
Doesn't really rate being called a nuke. Sure, it might enable some military adventurism, and yes, KEW = bad, but it's hardly the sorry of existential threat I'd expect to get these two in such a tizzy.
Doesn't really rate being called a nuke. Sure, it might enable some military adventurism, and yes, KEW = bad, but it's hardly the sorry of existential threat I'd expect to get these two in such a tizzy.
But it's a delivery system for nukes. That's a rather important half of the equation. If you have nukes but no delivery system, all you can do is blow up your own village.
But it's a delivery system for nukes. That's a rather important half of the equation. If you have nukes but no delivery system, all you can do is blow up your own village.
Ninja *are* a delivery system. A Stealth-spec Chuunin carrying a nuke can wreck any infrastructure that isn't guarded 24/7 by Alertness-spec Chuunin+ at a significant radius.
But it's a delivery system for nukes. That's a rather important half of the equation. If you have nukes but no delivery system, all you can do is blow up your own village.
Honestly, if the "nuke" is compact enough, a disguised ninja is a good delivery system even without Skywalkers. Hidden Village security can't be good enough to catch all infiltrators, especially if they don't give themselves away by actually going after any kind of sensitive target.
This is one of the things that confuses me about Shikaku wanting to "counter" Skywalkers, at least in the way he explained it to Hazou. Skywalkers make securing a village's perimeter more difficult, but they don't result in completely new tactical paradigms. I'd understand if we were operating on actual medieval military tech, with fortifications serving a major defensive role, but this is explicitly not the case in MfD-verse. You don't expect your walls to keep out enemy ninja, you expect to send your own ninja to intercept them, or you rely on traps.
It's especially strange that Shikaku is concerned about suicide bombers, given that any half-competent infiltrator can just enter a village with a bag full of explosive tags, walk up to the command centre, and fire away.
All this talk of writing styles is making me want to shitpost...
Seven Paths of Cultivation!
Chapter 3267: Iron Nerve versus Exploding Fist!
Five minutes later, Kurosawa Hazō arrived at the edge of the Explosive Death Woods!
The forest was covered in millions of gigantic trees all reaching up as high as the tallest mountains! Every single tree was giving off a terrifying mental energy! They all seemed to say "Get back!" Anyone who entered the forest would have an unbelievable urge to run away scared like they were being attacked by dozens of giant chakra beasts!
Mori Keiko was so hit with the mental attack so hard she started screaming! She fell over on the ground foaming from the mouth! Even her eyes started bleeding from the pressure of the mental energy in her brain! Even Nobby was under the attack and too paralysed to move! Kurosawa Hazō won't be defeated so easy! He brought out all his chakra and concentrated it into his Iron Nerve technique!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Kurosawa Hazō was attacking all the trees amazingly! Every swing of his Exuding Aura Black Death Kunai cut down 100 trees in a single swipe!
Even though I am affected by millions of mutant chakra trees' mental attacks and cannot think, that does not mean I can't use Iron Nerve to attack even without my mind!
However, there were chakra beasts hiding between the trees! They were all hiding to wait for the perfect time to attack! Kurosawa Hazō was too busy fighting the mental attack so he didn't notice their killing energy!
"Watch out!"
Nobby was sensing all the chakra in the water in the widest 1000 meters around! Because the creatures of the Exploding Death Woods had evolved to symbiosis with the trees, they all had fresh water running through their veins alongside their blood to carry all the chakra energy!
A hideous creature jumped out and attacked! It was three meters long and was a squirrel-type monster! Instead of acorns it had poisonous chakra seeds from the Venomous Vine tree! At threw them at Kurosawa Hazō faster than the speed of sound!
BOOM BOOM BOOM!
Mori Keiko was only pretending to be vulnerable to mental attacks! Mori Keiko had practiced mental combat all life against the Eternal Frozen Skein and had the strongest mental resistance of anyone! She threw two Whirlwind Bullet Shuriken at the squirrel-type monster beast! At the last second it looked like the squirrel had dodged, but then Mori Keiko rushed in and punched it with her Rippling Muscle Strike that condensed 1000 punches of force into the same attack!
The squirrel-type chakra beast exploded everywhere!
. . .
After beating more than 200 vicious chakra beasts and brutally destroying half of the forest, they finally arrived at the house of the Black Hunter!
Out of the house came the terrifying Black Hunter! He was over 2.5 meters tall! His muscles were even bigger than Mori Keiko's! His killing intent was so strong that the air was pulsating black and white! Some smaller chakra beasts close to him were being killed just by his terrifying presence!
"He must be at least in the middle level of the Chūnin stage!" said Inoue Mari!
The Chūnin stage was the level below Jōnin stage! People say that at the high level of the Chūnin stage you can cut mountains in half with a single attack! Kurosawa Hazō's pupils contracted until they were smaller than a pinprick! His head went bright red as he brought his thinking power up to the maximum level!
I can't win this fight be attacking the Black Hunter head on! He has much more killing intent than me! He is too bloodthirsty! There must be a strategy to beat him instead! The solution is that he must have weaknesses! So I should look for weaknesses!
"Graar Stinking Ninja Stinkers!" screamed the Black Hunter! "I am Kagome Yū! I am going to kill you all!"
All of a sudden the Black Hunter threw 20000 explosion seals into the air! Everyone was forced to run for cover! They all jumped into the trees expediently!
However, the 20000 explosion seals were just a distraction! The trees were covered in Corrosive Goo Bombs that exploded vigorously! Everyone was trapped in a gooey mess!
"What do you want Stinkers!" screamed the Black Hunter!
"We are Cultivators!" screamed Kurosawa Hazō. "We have come to kill the Demon Cultivator in the woods!"
"Then you will Die!" screamed the Black Hunter!
The Black Hunter has thrown 20000 more explosive seals at all of you! You can block this first attack with a burst of killing intent but then you will be all out! On your team only Inoue Mari is a higher level than the Black Hunter, but she is an infiltration spec which means she only exists for flavour text and doesn't actually contribute anything!
You have 24h to plan! What do you do!
This is written in a parody of the style of Forty Millenniums of Cultivation, which is part of a strange Chinese genre called Xianxia.
All this talk of writing styles is making me want to shitpost...
Seven Paths of Cultivation!
Chapter 3267: Iron Nerve versus Exploding Fist!
Five minutes later, Kurosawa Hazō arrived at the edge of the Explosive Death Woods!
The forest was covered in millions of gigantic trees all reaching up as high as the tallest mountains! Every single tree was giving off a terrifying mental energy! They all seemed to say "Get back!" Anyone who entered the forest would have an unbelievable urge to run away scared like they were being attacked by dozens of giant chakra beasts!
Mori Keiko was so hit with the mental attack so hard she started screaming! She fell over on the ground foaming from the mouth! Even her eyes started bleeding from the pressure of the mental energy in her brain! Even Nobby was under the attack and too paralysed to move! Kurosawa Hazō won't be defeated so easy! He brought out all his chakra and concentrated it into his Iron Nerve technique!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Kurosawa Hazō was attacking all the trees amazingly! Every swing of his Exuding Aura Black Death Kunai cut down 100 trees in a single swipe!
Even though I am affected by millions of mutant chakra trees' mental attacks and cannot think, that does not mean I can't use Iron Nerve to attack even without my mind!
However, there were chakra beasts hiding between the trees! They were all hiding to wait for the perfect time to attack! Kurosawa Hazō was too busy fighting the mental attack so he didn't notice their killing energy!
"Watch out!"
Nobby was sensing all the chakra in the water in the widest 1000 meters around! Because the creatures of the Exploding Death Woods had evolved to symbiosis with the trees, they all had fresh water running through their veins alongside their blood to carry all the chakra energy!
A hideous creature jumped out and attacked! It was three meters long and was a squirrel-type monster! Instead of acorns it had poisonous chakra seeds from the Venomous Vine tree! At threw them at Kurosawa Hazō faster than the speed of sound!
BOOM BOOM BOOM!
Mori Keiko was only pretending to be vulnerable to mental attacks! Mori Keiko had practiced mental combat all life against the Eternal Frozen Skein and had the strongest mental resistance of anyone! She threw two Whirlwind Bullet Shuriken at the squirrel-type monster beast! At the last second it looked like the squirrel had dodged, but then Mori Keiko rushed in and punched it with her Rippling Muscle Strike that condensed 1000 punches of force into the same attack!
The squirrel-type chakra beast exploded everywhere!
. . .
After beating more than 200 vicious chakra beasts and brutally destroying half of the forest, they finally arrived at the house of the Black Hunter!
Out of the house came the terrifying Black Hunter! He was over 2.5 meters tall! His muscles were even bigger than Mori Keiko's! His killing intent was so strong that the air was pulsating black and white! Some smaller chakra beasts close to him were being killed just by his terrifying presence!
"He must be at least in the middle level of the Chūnin stage!" said Inoue Mari!
The Chūnin stage was the level below Jōnin stage! People say that at the high level of the Chūnin stage you can cut mountains in half with a single attack! Kurosawa Hazō's pupils contracted until they were smaller than a pinprick! His head went bright red as he brought his thinking power up to the maximum level!
I can't win this fight be attacking the Black Hunter head on! He has much more killing intent than me! He is too bloodthirsty! There must be a strategy to beat him instead! The solution is that he must have weaknesses! So I should look for weaknesses!
"Graar Stinking Ninja Stinkers!" screamed the Black Hunter! "I am Kagome Yū! I am going to kill you all!"
All of a sudden the Black Hunter threw 20000 explosion seals into the air! Everyone was forced to run for cover! They all jumped into the trees expediently!
However, the 20000 explosion seals were just a distraction! The trees were covered in Corrosive Goo Bombs that exploded vigorously! Everyone was trapped in a gooey mess!
"What do you want Stinkers!" screamed the Black Hunter!
"We are Cultivators!" screamed Kurosawa Hazō. "We have come to kill the Demon Cultivator in the woods!"
"Then you will Die!" screamed the Black Hunter!
The Black Hunter has thrown 20000 more explosive seals at all of you! You can block this first attack with a burst of killing intent but then you will be all out! On your team only Inoue Mari is a higher level than the Black Hunter, but she is an infiltration spec which means she only exists for flavour text and doesn't actually contribute anything!
You have 24h to plan! What do you do!
This is written in a parody of the style of Forty Millenniums of Cultivation, which is part of a strange Chinese genre called Xianxia.
Ninja *are* a delivery system. A Stealth-spec Chuunin carrying a nuke can wreck any infrastructure that isn't guarded 24/7 by Alertness-spec Chuunin+ at a significant radius.
Well, consider the scenario. You are living in a world where there aren't really any significant immobile centres of ninja population. To have a reliable deterrent, you must ensure that in the counterfactual that someone made you use the deterrent, you have enough supply to reliably deliver punishment to something that the person forcing you values.
Since ninja villages are stealthy and you may not know where they are, the clear solution is to nuke literally everything.
Well, consider the scenario. You are living in a world where there aren't really any significant immobile centres of ninja population. To have a reliable deterrent, you must ensure that in the counterfactual that someone made you use the deterrent, you have enough supply to reliably deliver punishment to something that the person forcing you values.
Since ninja villages are stealthy and you may not know where they are, the clear solution is to nuke literally everything.
