Implemented most of this, I left the magenta line mostly the way it was but switched "dehumanized" to "disenfranchised". Still, I'd note this conversation isn't really about convincing Asuma of anything, it's about clearly establishing how Hazou thinks so Asuma doesn't have to constantly wonder about his motives.
Seems pretty fine to me
Vel said earlier that it is not an OPSEC breach (so far as Hazou is aware, which should be quite aware considering he's organized like the entire response to the crisis)
Maybe...
does this mean that they will respond immidiatly or we will wait a day to do it?
Soon, Ami's grand scheme of becoming the main character will come to fruition
How visible was the bolded to Hazou/Leaf in general? Is this lack of support as undermining in Leaf, xor is the effect a consequence exacerbated by Yagura?
Could you explain this; I'm not quite parsing what it means. Are you referring to Hazou's conversation with Asuma RN, xor a future conversation convincing the Clans to support civilian rights, xor something else entirely?
Asuma's paranoid side isn't telling him that Hazou didn't benefit from the disasters that befall Leaf, it's telling him that Hazou's goals include causing disasters to befall Leaf. Also not sure how relevant Hazou mastering damage control has to this conversation, and I'm not sure he really has.
I'm not really sure what you're trying to say, but to more clearly state what I meant: Withholding support from clanless makes them weaker in the long run, which weakens your own military. The way it's worded right now, I would say Hazou is only talking about Mist at the moment. I'm not sure how 'visible' it is because everyone just accepts things as they are, until evidence points otherwise. That said, it definitely was exacerbated by Yagura because clanless didn't have anyone to shield them from the tyranny.
I'm imagining he means when he pitches things to Asuma in the future
This conversation is damage control, is the joke
I would say he is quite good at damage control, due to the nature of the hivemind etc. Look at how he handled the Collapse, the Bank Run, and so on. I forget which chapter it is, but after the Cold Stone Killers incident, I think it's Noburi that comments about how Hazou can instantly think of plans when things go wrong, while everyone else is still reeling. Sure, he's not Mari, but I'd say he's pretty good at mitigating damage when given the chance to.
Right, but I'm not sure how much Asuma believes in clanless ninja being disenfranchised causes a military weakness, and I'm not sure how much Hazou is aware of how bad things got under Yagura (or, for that matter, how it compares to in Leaf).
Makes sense, though I...I think I would rather this be left out in that case, it seems a bit presumptive.
I...don't think a couple of incidents makes Hazou a master, or even nearly so. Not really seeing a good way to change this, but I think Hazou's experience in failure/damage control shouldn't be the emphasis.
Bleh, I forgot to make the other change. I wanted to add that Hazou ought to say he's against sacrificing innocents because it would make his goals easier, and not just focus on personal gain, since I think very few ninjas of importance do stuff solely for personal gain. The Sunset Racer is a good example because of how killing the civilians on that boat is something he accepted doing because of the (from his perspective) minor risk of being found out and etc. etc..
Okay I changed a bunch of stuff, might be worth just reading through the plan again and seeing how it parses
Wasn't Leaf nin's enthusiastic loyalty to their village explicitly regarded as one of their greatest strengths when we were first visiting them? I thought Jiraiya or someone mentioned something about it.
Uh, how would he not? He lived as a 'clanless' under Yagura... He would've seen the difficulties his mother experienced, for instance.
Hm, I don't mind cutting it I suppose
Would less loyalty among clanless ninja be such a major weakness such that Asuma could not justify the expenditure of resources to improve it? I'm...not certain it is the case.
Hazou's a...unique case, his family was driven out and actively attacked due to having "betrayed" the clan. How much of their life was due to having no clan support and how much of that was due to a clan actively attacking them...*shrugs*
Perhaps emphasize how Hazou did all that under his moral system of helping the people that need the most help, those that he can help, and those who others aren't. Dunno how to make that non-accusatory, though, and we do want to avoid barbing Asuma.
Ami is a Mist ninja; sharing information about a delicate Leaf operation with her does not seem like a good idea unless Asuma explicitly says we can, and honestly even asking him about it seems pretty risky imo
