- Location
- Somewhere nearby.
Because everything about Goofy being being on the council is valuable to us, especially how he can point out flaws a child would find. (Look at number 12)
DoofQuest- a Disney Villains Victorious CK2-Style Quest
- Thread starter Made in Heaven
- Start date
- Crossover
Besides what everyone else has said, Technor's statline makes him a good flex unit for some other categories and/or a well rounded quester
Also also for me of i decide to vote.. if Doof needs anything its a " 5 year old" sanity check. Plus lets piss Doom off more
When you commit mass murder, it tends to somewhat overshadow other achievements, yeah.
- Location
- Germany
Back in the day, pretty much *every* polity of note was a bit don´t-give-a-fuck-y about casualities on the "enemy side" - Temujin simply was very "successful" with it and was "a barbarian" from the PoV of "civilized people" like Europe and China.
- Location
- Two hours away
- Pronouns
- He/Him
Janus Lee is a transhumanist and misanthrope. He wants to make humanity the 4th single on Discovery but he hasn't put much effort into the presentation of his beliefs. This current lack of a powerpoint might busy up our Diplomacy NA's if we move at Lee's preferred speed.
We're in the process of learning about and advocating for two groups without DNA. Our findings on the Martian Robot and offerings of bioluminescence muddy the water on (human/mammal/monster)ity to the general public. Folks like Doom get another avenue for diplomatic attacks is Lee doesn't sink some PA's into a TED talk.
We're in the process of learning about and advocating for two groups without DNA. Our findings on the Martian Robot and offerings of bioluminescence muddy the water on (human/mammal/monster)ity to the general public. Folks like Doom get another avenue for diplomatic attacks is Lee doesn't sink some PA's into a TED talk.
Was looking back at the previous turn, and came across this. So, so glad we made that decision back then.
- Location
- Germany
It definitely was a vital step into the currently-forming alliance with Olympia, yes
weredrago2
"Cowabunga, Shadow the Hedgehog..."
- Location
- Florida
I did, but the movie came out like, this week. Be mindful of spoilers when discussing it.
- Pronouns
- He/Him
She wouldn't be very useful as a hero unit even if she weren't a minor with school.
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- Location
- Somewhere nearby.
I mean we already have two children working for us.
- Location
- USA
Diplo action to get rid of that pesky labor law.
- Location
- Mid-Atlantic
Phineas and Ferb only work for us during the summer as loosely affiliated interns.
- Location
- The City of Tears, Hallownest
- Pronouns
- He/Him
There's also the question of how that movie "bad end"-ed. when it doesn't have a specific antagonist, lets just say i find it pretty likely that in DVV, Meilin probably went the way of the incredibles parents, giant monster rampages through the city? National guard "deal with it"
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- Location
- USA
Spoilers?
- Location
- The City of Tears, Hallownest
- Pronouns
- He/Him
What about what I said is spoilers? Giant monster is in the trailer.
- Location
- USA
I just checked two different trailers and didn't see what you said in either, so...
weredrago2
"Cowabunga, Shadow the Hedgehog..."
- Location
- Florida
Hey, spoiler it. Don't care if it was in the trailers or not.
Mojave
BWAAAH
- Pronouns
- He
The movie is set in 2002. She'd be an adult. Also DVV doesn't mean that the hero loses, just that the villain wins.
weredrago2
"Cowabunga, Shadow the Hedgehog..."
- Location
- Florida
Time is a flat circle full of holes like Swiss Cheese. DoofQuest listing a year is still a farce, since that only applies to the year Doof thinks it is. Which also makes no sense if you think about it.
Interlude: Seeds
- Location
- Pennsylvania
The greatest contribution that L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. ever made to science, in Janus Lee's opinion, was getting out of his way. After Doofenshmirtz and the group got into an explosive disagreement over the intricacies of 'mad science', Doof determined their former resources and facilities were off limits. With the unruly think tank pruned, their space was intended to be mothballed and their expenses removed from the company ledger… but Janus had other plans. He ran a company long enough that he could turn a liability into an asset.
The password to the door was simple, once he figured out it didn't correspond to a significant date or event. On one of the days he had earmarked for his personal projects, he casually walked up to the keypad and entered the tune to Evil Tonight. Whatever else could rightfully be said about L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N., they did know their musical numbers.
Once he secured a quiet, sterile space where few would go looking, he invited Dr. Jumba Jookiba to move any sensitive projects he had there. Over time, he and Jumba had poached scientific equipment from various places across DEI. A misplaced mass spectrometer here, a stolen centrifuge there. Before he knew it, they had a lab that was off the books and out of the way of any prying eyes that might deem their work 'unethical'.
Unethical. It was an accusation he expected to have hurled across his desk one day, were his actions to come to light at an inopportune time. Janus Lee could justify his under-the-counter projects in many ways, but in his own reasoning, he had done little wrong outside of the painfully typical embezzling needed to make it happen. His work was his alone, done with his own two hands. He was never needlessly cruel with test animals, or tricked anyone into consenting to any procedure he wouldn't do on his own body. When subjects were scarce, he never hesitated to prove his designs for the next generation were on the right track.
It was cute that people assumed he had heterochromia at birth.
At this point, how many lines he'd crossed was scarcely relevant to his broader objective: The New Men. He'd already violated the taboo on human cloning. Defrauded legal and criminal groups alike to secure funding for Lee Industries. Even framed an innocent man for selling state secrets, all for the sake of his goal for the human race to start anew. All short of murder, and he knew he would follow through on even that if anyone was monstrous enough to threaten to expose his masterwork before it was ready. Why stop now when he was so close to another breakthrough?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz was surprisingly receptive to his studies and had the grace to grant Lee more or less free reign over his personal projects, but he lacked the ability to focus and see the bigger picture. Lee didn't think that the doctor would have the attention span to go "all in" on his more radical proposals for the future of the human genome.
Dr. Jookiba, on the other hand, was a great help in regards to laying the groundwork. In all the time he had known him, the four-eyed alien had never once brought up any so-called 'moral objections' to his life's work, never bothering to ask if 'playing god' was the right thing to do.
"Playing God? We are not playing, we are working! After first few creations, it is you behind metaphorical wheel." he had said.
It was encouraging, to not feel alone in the universe.
From there, the work truly began. Lee wasn't ready for the final version, not by a long shot. Jumba's review of his lab notes was immensely helpful, pointing out several errors that might've spiraled into something far more worrisome -- and leaving him a lot more time for some proof of concepts!
The New Men would be the project of another day. There was much to be done. More data to integrate. More problems to fix or take off the board. In the meantime, they could amuse themselves with the current batch of test subjects. Jumba brought his years of experience in prototyping new forms of life, and Lee provided his expertise in the local fauna. There were four subjects in all, three of which were still in their growth stages.
The first subject was developing nicely. They were all in embryonic development, but the horns were already growing on this one! No doubt because of the growth hormones added to the nutrient solution, though the chitinous plates wouldn't be developing for another few weeks, at least. A vibrant blue glow crackled around the subject intermittently; a sign of progress.
The next tube had a green and black canid, sucking on its thumb. A promising sign that its intelligence was developing more rapidly than its peers, if its attentive eyes weren't evidence enough! They had made this one by exposing the donor's celluloid structures to a novel form of radiation, only stopping when they'd changed in color and fried the monitoring equipment.
Across from the two relatively safe, guaranteed successes, a dark solution was boiling in the next tube as its occupant, an inky figure of indeterminate species, writhed under Lee's watchful gaze. This was the risky one; Jumba's breadth of xenobiologic knowledge only went so far in this direction, and it was bordering on that which neither of them were sure of.
Oh well. They took precautions. Both scientists were wearing heart monitors, and if either of those devices were disabled prematurely, their "projects" would go with them. The only risk was one of them getting loose before they could be given the carrot and stick lessons of loyalty.
The only risk that mattered, at least.
===
You are not, to put it mildly, having a pleasant week. You have had your life threatened repeatedly, your darkest and most personal secrets were nearly the subject of a public manhunt, and your understanding of yourself and your place in the world has been violently upended. None of your coworkers who know the truth have deigned to speak to you since that day, and your work on setting up a functional Board, sorry, 'council', to govern DEI feels more and more like training your replacement. Your days are concerned with frantic work, your night concerned with sleepless questions. How do you 'Be Better'? Did even Hego know?
As such, you could hardly be blamed for wishing to be someone else, for a while.
It was good practice, especially if you do find yourself on the run in the future. You have, you will admit, a rather striking frame. Becoming someone else, something else, invisible to those you work with on a daily basis- a good way to keep your skills sharp. And so you were now Macarena Ortiz, minor character and investigative reporter on El Matador de Amor.
It was good for mindless fun, you justify to yourself. But also a valuable exercise. And if you allow yourself to forget for a while that you are Mirage, and you are guilty?
That is just a bonus.
Janus Lee was something of an oddity at DEI. You could count the number of people among the Doctor's vaunted elite that actually had managerial experience on one hand with fingers left over, and one of those was Monogram's intern. Mr. Lee was a prime candidate for the position of CEO, but it was a matter that would have to be approached delicately. He didn't seem to be chafing under his current line of work, at the very least.
Where was Lee, anyway? The Doctor insisted on playing fast and loose with the concept of timetables but that didn't mean there wasn't a reasonable expectation of work to be done every day. The man rarely socialized with his coworkers, preferring to spend his time with Dr. Jookiba or alone in a workshop tinkering with his personal vehicle. The alien doctor's lab was locked down right now, which meant that the two were… elsewhere.
This was problematic, to put it lightly. Jookiba had attempted to be candid about his role in galactic society. Attempted. "What is one or two planets in chaos between employers, eh?" he had said in a meeting. Leaving him alone with the one human he preferred to socialize with seemed like a recipe for disaster, a fact which the company's ledger attested to quite evidently. The 'rotting meat' incident was a massive PR blemish and had required several days of nonstop disinformation in order to prevent it from spiraling off into something much worse.
What would Macarena do in this position, you wonder? Probably attempt to stick her nose where it didn't belong, get caught by a nefarious mobster, and trick her way out of his dastardly clutches before the commercial break.
It was worth a shot, at least.
===
Two hours later, after checking in every infuriating nook and cranny of the DEI headquarters, the last of the pieces finally clicked into place. If you were up to no good, and had a sense of subtlety above that of the Doctor, where would you hide?
DEI's former think tank, the disparate band of problem cases known to the world as 'L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.', had crossed paths with Lee in the past. Rather unpleasant paths, if the scorch marks on the ceiling of the break room were any indication, apparently Dr. Diminutive had taken offense to one of Lee's comments and thrown something incendiary into the trash can. Their dismissal was a welcome improvement on company morale as a whole and a sizable load off your back. Dr. Doofenshmirtz had declined to make any comments about the think tank after their dismissal, or indeed to allow anyone to mention them in his presence. Their lab was forgotten and stricken from the company records, with none being brave or foolish enough to venture inside, lest they be struck by a leftover bald-inizor or something similarly petty.
You spent the next hour giving DEI's books a critical once-over, trying to find any evidence of wrongdoing. Everything looked good on the surface, but aside from a very thankless army of financial clerks you knew the company's budget better than anyone else alive. And you knew very well how to conceal financial wrongdoing.
Whoever had done this was good. Very good. It took you quite some time to figure out that the defunct think tank's yearly operating expenses seemed to have vanished instead of being put back into the main budget as expected. This seems like the sort of thing Dr. Jookiba would participate in, but not necessarily originate. The alien proudly proclaimed that he was a card-carrying member of the Evil Genius Organization, but this didn't seem like his style. He wasn't terribly familiar with earth culture to begin with, so expecting him to know his way around the books of a major megacorp suggested that he had… help.
You start to sigh before realizing that isn't the sort of reaction Macarena Ortiz would have. You're going to have to have a talk with Mr. Lee about what is and is not appropriate when dealing with a supervillainous coworker.
==
L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.'s lab is far from what you expected. Based on the collective egos of their members you had anticipated a grandiose affair, covered in neon, smoke machines, and devices beyond comprehension. Not a drab, barely-noticeable airlock in the sole part of the building that had run out of purple wallpaper. The lights in the hallway and the water fountains were off to save power. All standard procedure when mothballing a section of the building, so… why were there lights on inside the laboratory?
Despite the vague sense of danger in the back of your head, you press on. Maybe you were getting a little too in character, or maybe you weren't fazed by much after having your life directly threatened by a psychotic supervillain. In contrast to the hallways, the lab space was well-lit, spacious, and immaculately clean. Bits of equipment of all makes and models were neatly arranged on various tables. You couldn't recognize most of it.
You definitely didn't know what the four massive, human-sized tanks in the center of the room were for. One of them was empty, and the other three were- oh. Oh dear.
Jumba and Janus were looking at you, and neither had the good grace to look like a deer in the headlights. Jumba hasn't even ceased working, and Janus' expression is inscrutable. Before he can say anything you immediately segue into your finely tuned art of bluffing.
"It's interesting how something is happening in here despite the lab being disconnected from the power grid."
"Yes, haha! Is human fusion energy device. Crude compared to even GalFed tech, but more efficient than local fossil fuel plant!"
"And it's also incredibly fascinating how none of your equipment seems to match."
"Things fall off of backs of trucks all the time. And if some of that lands in our pockets, ehh…"
"Where did you get the budget for this, I wonder?" Not your usual style, but Ortiz was known for rapid-fire questions and attempting to throw her opponent off guard.
"Was very simple! Country bumpkin scientists were never fired properly, so operating budget was ours for taking."
"One more question. Just what are those things in the tanks there?"
The four-eyed alien cackles maliciously. "Just what are you thinking to be looking for, Ms. Ortiz?"
You pause. You never told him your name.
"Jumba, do you know this woman?"
"Is minor character of human soap opera. Ancillary to main plot at best."
"You watch soap operas?"
"Ehhhh…" Jumba trails off, looking off balance for the first time. "TV was on that channel, is all. I did not want to get up.
"625 ate remote. …Yes."
Lee turns to you. "All right, Mirage, what do you want?"
It was too much to expect that this charade would go entirely unnoticed, you suppose. Like the flip of a switch, you stand up a bit straighter and look Lee in the eye. You debate whipping the wig off dramatically but choose not to.
"I'm here because I'm investigating some budget discrepancies. For the most part, Mr. Lee, your work at DEI has been impeccable, but in the past few weeks I've noticed some odd things happening. Water consumption in the building being noticeably higher than average. Delivery trucks coming at unusually late hours. And, most importantly, the disappearance of the DEI think tank's entire operating budget- all seven figures of it."
Jumba, at least, has the decency to look abashed, while Lee's poker face is all but flawless. A small part of you is slightly impressed, it takes some work to remain unreadable.
"Let me try a… different sort of question, then." You continue.
Janus grunted noncommittally.
"Have we ever refused a request for funding, properly filed? Have we limited your options? Was there a genetics proposal left moldering on a desk somewhere that never reached my eyes?"
"The Doctor's interest in genetics seems to be… sporadic."
"That's not an answer to my question." You reply patiently.
"I'm not in much of a position to offer company-wide proposals, which is why I chose to work on this on my own time."
"And on our former think tank's budget." You finish for the man. You let that hang for a moment before walking past him.
"Mr. Lee, I happen to be privy to the majority of DEI's balance sheet. I know, to the dollar, the amount you were paid for a controlling interest in Lee Industries' industrial output. I know it was more than enough to start a new venture, or retire like a prince for the rest of your days. And yet you chose to remain here, with us, in an active leadership role, albeit an unfortunately ill-defined one."
"Continuing my work in the field has always been a passion of mine, and the resources available to me here far surpass anything I could achieve on my own." There's an air of hesitation about the man now, a sense of burgeoning uncertainty, yes, but also an uncomfortable earnestness and perhaps even the first hint of anger.
You turn around and smile grimly. "I'm surprised you feel satisfied in our resources, seeing as you chose to appropriate more of them than you'd been approved for."
"My vision for the future is too important to risk! Time and again I have dealt with those who do not recognize the things we could achieve! Cures for all diseases, every man an ubermensch, lifetimes measured in centuries, a revolution for all mankind. Surely you must realize why I had to take matters into my own hands. Nothing is worth more than the prospect of-!"
"You're under consideration for a promotion to CFO." You say simply.
Silence hangs in the air for a moment.
"...Is this a joke?"
You've got him.
You repress a smile by shaking your head. "I've been taking the time to organize a board of directors for the company and am trying to fill it."
Lee opens his mouth to respond, and you choose to cut him off before he even begins. "You're a clearly brilliant and visionary man, and contrary to your expectations, we would have considered further funding if you brought us your proposal. I would hope granting three consecutive weeks of vacation time was a tacit approval of whatever you were working on here. You're one of the few people Doofenshmirtz would accept with actual corporate experience, you fit well with the culture we seek to promote here at DEI, and it would be… difficult if doable to introduce a new hire to some of our more sensitive secrets. You're a natural choice."
Janus stares at you.
"To be holding your horses!" Jumba interrupts. "I am also being genius visionary. Why have I not been chosen for leadership role?"
You respond instantly. "Jumba if I put you in charge of anything aside from a bio lab you'd have the entire organization burned to the ground within the month. Perhaps literally."
"That is being fair." Jumba replies.
"I'm glad this woman is in charge." 625 comments idly as he walks past with a pastrami and ham on pumpernickel.
"For the last time, this is a sterile environmen-!" Janus visibly takes a moment to calm himself in front of you.
"I… didn't realize-"
"You did not." You agree. "While the use of these funds is not, technically, against company policy, it a worrying sign of bad faith and, if I'm being honest, also opens us up to a number of accounting liabilities. I'm not prepared to disapprove of your candidacy, Janus, but… you need to ask yourself. Is this really the best way to get what you want?"
You give the man a moment to think.
"Jumba." He says. "We're going to have to declare this lab."
"What? You're giving in just like that?"
"She was very persuasive."
"Did not seem very strongly worded to me."
"If we don't we're going to incur the wrath of the one organization in the country that will stop at nothing to put us behind bars."
"Pfft. What, you think fellow evil genius will put us behind bars for this? Or is there some big scary human bugabear you are being afraid of? I am not afraid of primitive combustion weaponry."
"The IRS."
There is a pause.
Janus sighs. "It's the tax service."
You've never seen a 700 pound purple monster turn white before.
"Aaaagh! Fine. Fine fine fine." he rants, pacing agitatedly about the room. "I will just be making Pleakly do it, anyhow. Taxmen, huuugh." Jumba shudders, and performs some sort of alien ward against evil. A moment later he has returned to his preferred comfort activity, genetic experimentation.
"Trying to get some more work done on the cousins, eh doc?" 625 asks. "How are the horrible crimes against nature anyway?"
Your attention shifts from Janus to the tanks in the middle of the room, and you take a closer look at the hybrids contained within. Their resemblance to DEI employees, or to the various projects the company got involved in since Lee joined was… uncanny. Uncomfortably so. It was immediately clear why Lee went to such lengths to bury the clues that led you here: He was acting far beyond normal boundaries, and has been for several months. Perhaps longer.
"Cousins?" you venture.
625 nods.
"Yeah. Once removed, at least. Except for that guy, considering where he got off to he's at least twice removed. He normally goes for one at once and doesn't go for such blatant ripoffs, but he decided 'evil genius is multiple, not additive'," he says, in an impressively insulting approximation of Jumba's speech patterns, "and so he did four all at once."
You frown at the three occupied tubes. "Four?"
"Yes, four," Lee repeats. He turns to the tanks, whose subjects already had designations. "Hegosaurus, Tech E. Coyote, Subject T.K., and--"
His eyes freeze when they reach the final cloning vat, which is completely empty. All that remains of their most mature creation and its presence there is a lone fedora.
"Put the building on lockdown."
===
"GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!"
===
Karl ran at full sprint into the N.O.W.C.A. break room, tripping and banging his shin on the radiator.
"Major Monogram, are you alright?"
"KARL! Where's my pot of coffee?!"
Karl raised an eyebrow.
"I don't know, sir?"
"It's all gone! Not just the coffee, but the pot too! And the grounds… and the machine!"
Karl sighed deeply and massaged his temples, clicking his pen to make a quick note on his clipboard. This was going to come out of the operating expenses for the month. "Yes sir. I'll make sure Agent M looks into it during his spare time. Is there… anything else you need?" he asked in the tone of someone who knew and dreaded the answer.
"Well, now that you mention it, yes. I could use a cup of coffee."
Mere moments later, an appendage pushed a steaming mug into the Major's hands.
"Thank you, Agent uhhhhhhhhh…" Monogram trailed off as he took in the mass of hats before him. "Karl, what agent is that?" he whispered furiously.
The amalgamation of hats undulated as diverse appendages slithered across the floor. A four-toed claw saluted, while a tentacle attempted to offer cream and sugar.
"I- I don't know, sir! It's covered in hats and I don't want to take them off!"
===
"It really wasn't supposed to get out until Christmas." Janus looked about as recalcitrant as he could, given who he was.
===
Janus Lee and Jumba have been working on the New Man project in secret! It is intended as a means by which humanity will be redefined and stripped of its weaknesses, ascending into something far greater! That's what Janus claims, at least. It's a far way off from being done, but there's lots of potential for new projects in the future!
Jumba's learning has increased by 1! Janus' learning has increased by 2!
Several of Janus and Jumba's proof of concept creations remain in L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.'s former lab space! They can be completed with Janus or Jumba's personal actions!
-Tech E. Coyote action unlocked!
-Hegosaurus action unlocked! (Mirage would prefer you not finish this one, especially because you can't really expect to get consent on it. Jumba would argue that the dinosaur totally consented, but was shouted down.)
- 'Subject T.K.' action unlocked!
Agent Alphabet has joined NOWCA and increased their non-occult stats by 2! It's horrifyingly effective!
Mirage's Intrigue has increased by 2!
The password to the door was simple, once he figured out it didn't correspond to a significant date or event. On one of the days he had earmarked for his personal projects, he casually walked up to the keypad and entered the tune to Evil Tonight. Whatever else could rightfully be said about L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N., they did know their musical numbers.
Once he secured a quiet, sterile space where few would go looking, he invited Dr. Jumba Jookiba to move any sensitive projects he had there. Over time, he and Jumba had poached scientific equipment from various places across DEI. A misplaced mass spectrometer here, a stolen centrifuge there. Before he knew it, they had a lab that was off the books and out of the way of any prying eyes that might deem their work 'unethical'.
Unethical. It was an accusation he expected to have hurled across his desk one day, were his actions to come to light at an inopportune time. Janus Lee could justify his under-the-counter projects in many ways, but in his own reasoning, he had done little wrong outside of the painfully typical embezzling needed to make it happen. His work was his alone, done with his own two hands. He was never needlessly cruel with test animals, or tricked anyone into consenting to any procedure he wouldn't do on his own body. When subjects were scarce, he never hesitated to prove his designs for the next generation were on the right track.
It was cute that people assumed he had heterochromia at birth.
At this point, how many lines he'd crossed was scarcely relevant to his broader objective: The New Men. He'd already violated the taboo on human cloning. Defrauded legal and criminal groups alike to secure funding for Lee Industries. Even framed an innocent man for selling state secrets, all for the sake of his goal for the human race to start anew. All short of murder, and he knew he would follow through on even that if anyone was monstrous enough to threaten to expose his masterwork before it was ready. Why stop now when he was so close to another breakthrough?
Dr. Doofenshmirtz was surprisingly receptive to his studies and had the grace to grant Lee more or less free reign over his personal projects, but he lacked the ability to focus and see the bigger picture. Lee didn't think that the doctor would have the attention span to go "all in" on his more radical proposals for the future of the human genome.
Dr. Jookiba, on the other hand, was a great help in regards to laying the groundwork. In all the time he had known him, the four-eyed alien had never once brought up any so-called 'moral objections' to his life's work, never bothering to ask if 'playing god' was the right thing to do.
"Playing God? We are not playing, we are working! After first few creations, it is you behind metaphorical wheel." he had said.
It was encouraging, to not feel alone in the universe.
From there, the work truly began. Lee wasn't ready for the final version, not by a long shot. Jumba's review of his lab notes was immensely helpful, pointing out several errors that might've spiraled into something far more worrisome -- and leaving him a lot more time for some proof of concepts!
The New Men would be the project of another day. There was much to be done. More data to integrate. More problems to fix or take off the board. In the meantime, they could amuse themselves with the current batch of test subjects. Jumba brought his years of experience in prototyping new forms of life, and Lee provided his expertise in the local fauna. There were four subjects in all, three of which were still in their growth stages.
The first subject was developing nicely. They were all in embryonic development, but the horns were already growing on this one! No doubt because of the growth hormones added to the nutrient solution, though the chitinous plates wouldn't be developing for another few weeks, at least. A vibrant blue glow crackled around the subject intermittently; a sign of progress.
The next tube had a green and black canid, sucking on its thumb. A promising sign that its intelligence was developing more rapidly than its peers, if its attentive eyes weren't evidence enough! They had made this one by exposing the donor's celluloid structures to a novel form of radiation, only stopping when they'd changed in color and fried the monitoring equipment.
Across from the two relatively safe, guaranteed successes, a dark solution was boiling in the next tube as its occupant, an inky figure of indeterminate species, writhed under Lee's watchful gaze. This was the risky one; Jumba's breadth of xenobiologic knowledge only went so far in this direction, and it was bordering on that which neither of them were sure of.
Oh well. They took precautions. Both scientists were wearing heart monitors, and if either of those devices were disabled prematurely, their "projects" would go with them. The only risk was one of them getting loose before they could be given the carrot and stick lessons of loyalty.
The only risk that mattered, at least.
===
You are not, to put it mildly, having a pleasant week. You have had your life threatened repeatedly, your darkest and most personal secrets were nearly the subject of a public manhunt, and your understanding of yourself and your place in the world has been violently upended. None of your coworkers who know the truth have deigned to speak to you since that day, and your work on setting up a functional Board, sorry, 'council', to govern DEI feels more and more like training your replacement. Your days are concerned with frantic work, your night concerned with sleepless questions. How do you 'Be Better'? Did even Hego know?
As such, you could hardly be blamed for wishing to be someone else, for a while.
It was good practice, especially if you do find yourself on the run in the future. You have, you will admit, a rather striking frame. Becoming someone else, something else, invisible to those you work with on a daily basis- a good way to keep your skills sharp. And so you were now Macarena Ortiz, minor character and investigative reporter on El Matador de Amor.
It was good for mindless fun, you justify to yourself. But also a valuable exercise. And if you allow yourself to forget for a while that you are Mirage, and you are guilty?
That is just a bonus.
Janus Lee was something of an oddity at DEI. You could count the number of people among the Doctor's vaunted elite that actually had managerial experience on one hand with fingers left over, and one of those was Monogram's intern. Mr. Lee was a prime candidate for the position of CEO, but it was a matter that would have to be approached delicately. He didn't seem to be chafing under his current line of work, at the very least.
Where was Lee, anyway? The Doctor insisted on playing fast and loose with the concept of timetables but that didn't mean there wasn't a reasonable expectation of work to be done every day. The man rarely socialized with his coworkers, preferring to spend his time with Dr. Jookiba or alone in a workshop tinkering with his personal vehicle. The alien doctor's lab was locked down right now, which meant that the two were… elsewhere.
This was problematic, to put it lightly. Jookiba had attempted to be candid about his role in galactic society. Attempted. "What is one or two planets in chaos between employers, eh?" he had said in a meeting. Leaving him alone with the one human he preferred to socialize with seemed like a recipe for disaster, a fact which the company's ledger attested to quite evidently. The 'rotting meat' incident was a massive PR blemish and had required several days of nonstop disinformation in order to prevent it from spiraling off into something much worse.
What would Macarena do in this position, you wonder? Probably attempt to stick her nose where it didn't belong, get caught by a nefarious mobster, and trick her way out of his dastardly clutches before the commercial break.
It was worth a shot, at least.
===
Two hours later, after checking in every infuriating nook and cranny of the DEI headquarters, the last of the pieces finally clicked into place. If you were up to no good, and had a sense of subtlety above that of the Doctor, where would you hide?
DEI's former think tank, the disparate band of problem cases known to the world as 'L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.', had crossed paths with Lee in the past. Rather unpleasant paths, if the scorch marks on the ceiling of the break room were any indication, apparently Dr. Diminutive had taken offense to one of Lee's comments and thrown something incendiary into the trash can. Their dismissal was a welcome improvement on company morale as a whole and a sizable load off your back. Dr. Doofenshmirtz had declined to make any comments about the think tank after their dismissal, or indeed to allow anyone to mention them in his presence. Their lab was forgotten and stricken from the company records, with none being brave or foolish enough to venture inside, lest they be struck by a leftover bald-inizor or something similarly petty.
You spent the next hour giving DEI's books a critical once-over, trying to find any evidence of wrongdoing. Everything looked good on the surface, but aside from a very thankless army of financial clerks you knew the company's budget better than anyone else alive. And you knew very well how to conceal financial wrongdoing.
Whoever had done this was good. Very good. It took you quite some time to figure out that the defunct think tank's yearly operating expenses seemed to have vanished instead of being put back into the main budget as expected. This seems like the sort of thing Dr. Jookiba would participate in, but not necessarily originate. The alien proudly proclaimed that he was a card-carrying member of the Evil Genius Organization, but this didn't seem like his style. He wasn't terribly familiar with earth culture to begin with, so expecting him to know his way around the books of a major megacorp suggested that he had… help.
You start to sigh before realizing that isn't the sort of reaction Macarena Ortiz would have. You're going to have to have a talk with Mr. Lee about what is and is not appropriate when dealing with a supervillainous coworker.
==
L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.'s lab is far from what you expected. Based on the collective egos of their members you had anticipated a grandiose affair, covered in neon, smoke machines, and devices beyond comprehension. Not a drab, barely-noticeable airlock in the sole part of the building that had run out of purple wallpaper. The lights in the hallway and the water fountains were off to save power. All standard procedure when mothballing a section of the building, so… why were there lights on inside the laboratory?
Despite the vague sense of danger in the back of your head, you press on. Maybe you were getting a little too in character, or maybe you weren't fazed by much after having your life directly threatened by a psychotic supervillain. In contrast to the hallways, the lab space was well-lit, spacious, and immaculately clean. Bits of equipment of all makes and models were neatly arranged on various tables. You couldn't recognize most of it.
You definitely didn't know what the four massive, human-sized tanks in the center of the room were for. One of them was empty, and the other three were- oh. Oh dear.
Jumba and Janus were looking at you, and neither had the good grace to look like a deer in the headlights. Jumba hasn't even ceased working, and Janus' expression is inscrutable. Before he can say anything you immediately segue into your finely tuned art of bluffing.
"It's interesting how something is happening in here despite the lab being disconnected from the power grid."
"Yes, haha! Is human fusion energy device. Crude compared to even GalFed tech, but more efficient than local fossil fuel plant!"
"And it's also incredibly fascinating how none of your equipment seems to match."
"Things fall off of backs of trucks all the time. And if some of that lands in our pockets, ehh…"
"Where did you get the budget for this, I wonder?" Not your usual style, but Ortiz was known for rapid-fire questions and attempting to throw her opponent off guard.
"Was very simple! Country bumpkin scientists were never fired properly, so operating budget was ours for taking."
"One more question. Just what are those things in the tanks there?"
The four-eyed alien cackles maliciously. "Just what are you thinking to be looking for, Ms. Ortiz?"
You pause. You never told him your name.
"Jumba, do you know this woman?"
"Is minor character of human soap opera. Ancillary to main plot at best."
"You watch soap operas?"
"Ehhhh…" Jumba trails off, looking off balance for the first time. "TV was on that channel, is all. I did not want to get up.
"625 ate remote. …Yes."
Lee turns to you. "All right, Mirage, what do you want?"
It was too much to expect that this charade would go entirely unnoticed, you suppose. Like the flip of a switch, you stand up a bit straighter and look Lee in the eye. You debate whipping the wig off dramatically but choose not to.
"I'm here because I'm investigating some budget discrepancies. For the most part, Mr. Lee, your work at DEI has been impeccable, but in the past few weeks I've noticed some odd things happening. Water consumption in the building being noticeably higher than average. Delivery trucks coming at unusually late hours. And, most importantly, the disappearance of the DEI think tank's entire operating budget- all seven figures of it."
Jumba, at least, has the decency to look abashed, while Lee's poker face is all but flawless. A small part of you is slightly impressed, it takes some work to remain unreadable.
"Let me try a… different sort of question, then." You continue.
Janus grunted noncommittally.
"Have we ever refused a request for funding, properly filed? Have we limited your options? Was there a genetics proposal left moldering on a desk somewhere that never reached my eyes?"
"The Doctor's interest in genetics seems to be… sporadic."
"That's not an answer to my question." You reply patiently.
"I'm not in much of a position to offer company-wide proposals, which is why I chose to work on this on my own time."
"And on our former think tank's budget." You finish for the man. You let that hang for a moment before walking past him.
"Mr. Lee, I happen to be privy to the majority of DEI's balance sheet. I know, to the dollar, the amount you were paid for a controlling interest in Lee Industries' industrial output. I know it was more than enough to start a new venture, or retire like a prince for the rest of your days. And yet you chose to remain here, with us, in an active leadership role, albeit an unfortunately ill-defined one."
"Continuing my work in the field has always been a passion of mine, and the resources available to me here far surpass anything I could achieve on my own." There's an air of hesitation about the man now, a sense of burgeoning uncertainty, yes, but also an uncomfortable earnestness and perhaps even the first hint of anger.
You turn around and smile grimly. "I'm surprised you feel satisfied in our resources, seeing as you chose to appropriate more of them than you'd been approved for."
"My vision for the future is too important to risk! Time and again I have dealt with those who do not recognize the things we could achieve! Cures for all diseases, every man an ubermensch, lifetimes measured in centuries, a revolution for all mankind. Surely you must realize why I had to take matters into my own hands. Nothing is worth more than the prospect of-!"
"You're under consideration for a promotion to CFO." You say simply.
Silence hangs in the air for a moment.
"...Is this a joke?"
You've got him.
You repress a smile by shaking your head. "I've been taking the time to organize a board of directors for the company and am trying to fill it."
Lee opens his mouth to respond, and you choose to cut him off before he even begins. "You're a clearly brilliant and visionary man, and contrary to your expectations, we would have considered further funding if you brought us your proposal. I would hope granting three consecutive weeks of vacation time was a tacit approval of whatever you were working on here. You're one of the few people Doofenshmirtz would accept with actual corporate experience, you fit well with the culture we seek to promote here at DEI, and it would be… difficult if doable to introduce a new hire to some of our more sensitive secrets. You're a natural choice."
Janus stares at you.
"To be holding your horses!" Jumba interrupts. "I am also being genius visionary. Why have I not been chosen for leadership role?"
You respond instantly. "Jumba if I put you in charge of anything aside from a bio lab you'd have the entire organization burned to the ground within the month. Perhaps literally."
"That is being fair." Jumba replies.
"I'm glad this woman is in charge." 625 comments idly as he walks past with a pastrami and ham on pumpernickel.
"For the last time, this is a sterile environmen-!" Janus visibly takes a moment to calm himself in front of you.
"I… didn't realize-"
"You did not." You agree. "While the use of these funds is not, technically, against company policy, it a worrying sign of bad faith and, if I'm being honest, also opens us up to a number of accounting liabilities. I'm not prepared to disapprove of your candidacy, Janus, but… you need to ask yourself. Is this really the best way to get what you want?"
You give the man a moment to think.
"Jumba." He says. "We're going to have to declare this lab."
"What? You're giving in just like that?"
"She was very persuasive."
"Did not seem very strongly worded to me."
"If we don't we're going to incur the wrath of the one organization in the country that will stop at nothing to put us behind bars."
"Pfft. What, you think fellow evil genius will put us behind bars for this? Or is there some big scary human bugabear you are being afraid of? I am not afraid of primitive combustion weaponry."
"The IRS."
There is a pause.
Janus sighs. "It's the tax service."
You've never seen a 700 pound purple monster turn white before.
"Aaaagh! Fine. Fine fine fine." he rants, pacing agitatedly about the room. "I will just be making Pleakly do it, anyhow. Taxmen, huuugh." Jumba shudders, and performs some sort of alien ward against evil. A moment later he has returned to his preferred comfort activity, genetic experimentation.
"Trying to get some more work done on the cousins, eh doc?" 625 asks. "How are the horrible crimes against nature anyway?"
Your attention shifts from Janus to the tanks in the middle of the room, and you take a closer look at the hybrids contained within. Their resemblance to DEI employees, or to the various projects the company got involved in since Lee joined was… uncanny. Uncomfortably so. It was immediately clear why Lee went to such lengths to bury the clues that led you here: He was acting far beyond normal boundaries, and has been for several months. Perhaps longer.
"Cousins?" you venture.
625 nods.
"Yeah. Once removed, at least. Except for that guy, considering where he got off to he's at least twice removed. He normally goes for one at once and doesn't go for such blatant ripoffs, but he decided 'evil genius is multiple, not additive'," he says, in an impressively insulting approximation of Jumba's speech patterns, "and so he did four all at once."
You frown at the three occupied tubes. "Four?"
"Yes, four," Lee repeats. He turns to the tanks, whose subjects already had designations. "Hegosaurus, Tech E. Coyote, Subject T.K., and--"
His eyes freeze when they reach the final cloning vat, which is completely empty. All that remains of their most mature creation and its presence there is a lone fedora.
"Put the building on lockdown."
===
"GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!"
===
Karl ran at full sprint into the N.O.W.C.A. break room, tripping and banging his shin on the radiator.
"Major Monogram, are you alright?"
"KARL! Where's my pot of coffee?!"
Karl raised an eyebrow.
"I don't know, sir?"
"It's all gone! Not just the coffee, but the pot too! And the grounds… and the machine!"
Karl sighed deeply and massaged his temples, clicking his pen to make a quick note on his clipboard. This was going to come out of the operating expenses for the month. "Yes sir. I'll make sure Agent M looks into it during his spare time. Is there… anything else you need?" he asked in the tone of someone who knew and dreaded the answer.
"Well, now that you mention it, yes. I could use a cup of coffee."
Mere moments later, an appendage pushed a steaming mug into the Major's hands.
"Thank you, Agent uhhhhhhhhh…" Monogram trailed off as he took in the mass of hats before him. "Karl, what agent is that?" he whispered furiously.
The amalgamation of hats undulated as diverse appendages slithered across the floor. A four-toed claw saluted, while a tentacle attempted to offer cream and sugar.
"I- I don't know, sir! It's covered in hats and I don't want to take them off!"
===
"It really wasn't supposed to get out until Christmas." Janus looked about as recalcitrant as he could, given who he was.
===
Janus Lee and Jumba have been working on the New Man project in secret! It is intended as a means by which humanity will be redefined and stripped of its weaknesses, ascending into something far greater! That's what Janus claims, at least. It's a far way off from being done, but there's lots of potential for new projects in the future!
Jumba's learning has increased by 1! Janus' learning has increased by 2!
Several of Janus and Jumba's proof of concept creations remain in L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.'s former lab space! They can be completed with Janus or Jumba's personal actions!
-Tech E. Coyote action unlocked!
-Hegosaurus action unlocked! (Mirage would prefer you not finish this one, especially because you can't really expect to get consent on it. Jumba would argue that the dinosaur totally consented, but was shouted down.)
- 'Subject T.K.' action unlocked!
Agent Alphabet has joined NOWCA and increased their non-occult stats by 2! It's horrifyingly effective!
Mirage's Intrigue has increased by 2!
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- Location
- Chile
I really thought that it was gonna be an Agent P clone.
- Location
- In a void
Tech E. Coyote, I though you said you didn't like that show. Still I liked it was different.