Marked for Death: A Rational Naruto Quest

A cold wind briefly made Uchiha Itachi shiver as he stood in mid-air, observing Leaf's mysterious protective barrier with the clarity of the Sharingan. Next to him, Konan hovered in her paper angel form, while Sasori's latest core puppet, a giant wooden crane that should not have been remotely aerodynamic, flapped patiently up and down. Kisame, out in front, wielded Samehada like a lumberjack, and with every blow, the subtle lattice of chakra that maintained the barrier trembled and dimmed.

Itachi's feelings were mixed to say the least. On the one hand, his best efforts to spare his wayward former village had been rejected. Leaf would not live to witness the glory of Nagato's coming age of glory as he'd hoped. Instead, by attacking Akatsuki at the rift, they'd attempted to destroy world peace twice over, and there was only one possible response.

On the other hand, this time he'd be able to massacre his clan properly, and never have to admit to anyone that last time, he'd just forgotten that civilians existed, like any normal ninja did on a daily basis.

The barrier was nearly gone. Would Leaf charge out in one last desperate assault, or would they foolishly seek to grasp a home ground advantage? Their fate was sealed in either case.

Movement. It seemed Leaf had chosen the third option: send out only their S-rankers and elite jōnin via a hidden tunnel to duel Akatsuki, minimising personnel losses and collateral damage… an arrogant strategy that implied the possibility of victory without every possible sacrifice.

Wait. Something was wrong. Why was there only one figure? Was the Hokage truly so arrogant as to believe his superior numbers alone would be enough to defeat all of Akatsuki? Or was this some cunning manoeuvre designed to–

That wasn't Uzumaki Naruto. It wasn't even Tsunade. That casually strolling figure was unmistakably Gōketsu Hazō–the sealing special jōnin with the personal combat potential of a highly-explosive limp noodle. Was Leaf's only remaining rift researcher being offered up as a sacrifice? But it would be far, far too late for that.

Still, the inventor of the skywalkers and skyslicers was the one man who might still surprise them with some unexpected masterwork of sealcrafting. Best to be certain.

Gōketsu's lips started moving.

"Amatera–"

"UchihaItachiIamheretotakeyouuponyourneverwithdrawnoffertojoinAkatsuki!"

What.

Even with all the lip-reading prowess of an S-rank Sharingan user, Itachi had barely caught it. How had Gōketsu evolved the Iron Nerve far enough to compress that entire message to under a second?

Itachi felt a chill. Akatsuki had every possible advantage in this battle, so why…?

"What are you talking about?" he demanded. "If this is some belated plea of surrender…"

"Not at all," Gōketsu interrupted. "It's just that you invited me to join Akatsuki before, and conditions have only changed for the better, right?"

Itachi allowed his look of utter incredulity to speak for him.

"As the runemaster who created that Force Dome and reduced the rift fortress to dust, I'm obviously a more valuable recruit than I was last time," Gōketsu elaborated, "especially considering that, now that Orochimaru's run away with the rift, I'm the only rift expert who can help you get it back. Also, with him gone, Leaf's weaker than ever, so even if I turn out to be a double agent, you can still wipe it out without any problems.

"Or do you want to bring Pain back eventually, with even more memories lost because it took longer, and explain that you let a world-peace-aligned genius researcher die when he was begging you to join?"

Itachi looked at Konan, gauging her reaction.

"We do want this new technology," Konan acknowledged, "and if Orochimaru is its only other user, it would be a pain to hunt him with no knowledge of its capabilities and counters. But you do realise, Gōketsu, that this will not persuade us to spare Leaf? You are not worth allowing such a dangerous thorn in our side to persist."

"I don't see the problem," Hazō said. "I'm the world's most prolific missing-nin, worth any three of you put together. If my former village has to go for the sake of world peace, then it has to go. But I do want you to spare my family."

"That's a given," Konan said off-handedly. "Per Nagato's law, any Akatsuki member can have their family accepted as personal minions. He optimistically assumed that at least one of the boys would be able to secure a date before we completed the ritual and the organisation ceased to be necessary."

"And they will not be harmed?"

"Members of Akatsuki are not allowed to seriously harm each other."

"Ah," Gōketsu said. "Hence Hidan."

"Hence Hidan," Itachi, Konan, Kisame, and Sasori agreed in unison.

"Do we really want the Gōketsu?" Sasori interrupted in his current puppet's screeching voice. "I can maybe collaborate with the boy, especially since he did me a favour by killing Deidara, but by reputation, that clan is about as stable as a chakra megalodon riding a unicycle, and there's nothing I hate more than instability."

"They do have Mari," Konan mused. "She has S-rank potential herself, and I would love to finally have another woman in Akatsuki. Besides, she's incredibly hot even by redhead standards. I always thought it would be a waste to have to kill her."

Itachi gave her a sideways look. "But aren't you and Nagato…?"

"We have a special understanding."

It occurred to Itachi that Konan didn't have to be the only Akatsuki member to take advantage of the opportunity.

"Now that you mention it," he said, "I do recall that Nara Kei possesses an aura of noble tragedy nearly equal to my own. When we crossed paths, I witnessed her stub her toe on a chair leg and promptly curse the vile iniquities of this sadistic world that allows no purity to remain undespoiled. Perhaps she could become a consort who properly appreciated my tormented heart."

Konan gave him a peculiar look as Gōketsu, for some reason, muttered "Par for the course" under his breath.

"Itachi, you are twice her age."

"No, I'm not!" Itachi exclaimed. "She's eighteen and I'm twenty-one."

"You're thirty-six, Itachi," Konan said. "Also, you graduated the Academy at the normal age of twelve and followed a swift but still chronologically-plausible career path before you left Leaf."

She blinked.

"I don't know why I just said that."

Itachi frowned. "Are you sure? I thought I was promoted to ANBU Captain at the age of twelve. I remember them having to say I was thirteen on the paperwork because otherwise people might think it was implausible."

Konan sighed. "You probably just dreamed it. Anyway, it would be ridiculously creepy and violate all standards of both conventional morality and common sense. In that light, as acting Akatsuki Leader, I have no choice but to give you my full blessing. Just remember that you're still forbidden to do anything with a woman that might count as an Uchiha breeding programme."

Everyone present simultaneously shuddered (which, in Sasori's case, briefly made him fall out of the air).

"So," Gōketsu said into the uneasy silence, "are you accepting me as a member?"

His arguments were sound, Itachi acknowledged, and with Deidara gone, they did need to replenish their numbers before the more uncooperative AMITY members started getting ideas. But still… was it really a good idea to allow Gōketsu "treason of the week" Hazō into their deepest confidence?

No, Itachi decided. Gōketsu Hazō had to die, and ideally in a way that didn't undermine Konan's authority too much.

"Not so fast," he declared. "All Akatsuki members have to be of S-rank strength. If you wish to join us, you must prove yourself… by defeating a current member in single combat. To the death."

"Don't be ridiculous!" Konan snapped. "That's no test. You might as well kill the boy now."

Itachi shrugged. "He's one sixty-fourth Uchiha. By my agreement with Nagato, that means I get to decide what to do with him. If he puts up a good enough fight, we can always fish him out of the afterlife later.

"Do you have the resolve, Gōketsu?"

Gōketsu just smiled, with eerie confidence.

"It's my highest raw stat. So just to be clear, once I win, that's it? Akatsuki member forever? No circumstances under which Akatsuki members lose their memberships, as long as they don't betray the organisation?"

"Correct," Itachi said warily.

"And all of my family become my minions and can't be harmed by Akatsuki? Again, to be clear, that has to include legal family according to Leaf law, not blood family. Mari and the others are all my family by adoption."

"That seems logical," Konan said.

"And I win if, at the end of the battle, my opponent is dead directly or indirectly due to my actions?"

Itachi couldn't shake the feeling that Gōketsu was trying to get something past them with the weasel wording, but the boy went on before Itachi could object.

"Just saying I have to kill them doesn't account for summons and the like. I'm a summoner, so my dogs are a big part of my strength, and I don't want a scenario where a dog deals the finishing blow and it doesn't count because I was only indirectly responsible."

"Makes sense to me," Kisame called out, without pausing from his work.

"Great," Gōketsu said. "Give me an hour to get my gear together and talk to my family, then we can fight."

"Very well," Konan agreed, "But no runic trickery. We'll attack the second we sense anything."

"Oh, I won't need runes for this," Gōketsu said calmly as he headed off.


"Are you prepared?" Itachi demanded imperiously. "Choose your opponent. Any member of Akatsuki will do; we're all more than a match for you."

Gōketsu nodded, then produced an item from his backpack.

Itachi began to get a very bad feeling.

Gōketsu held up the urn.

"I choose… Deidara."

"Unacceptable," Konan told him. "Take this seriously, or the invitation is withdrawn."

"You confirmed that betrayal is the only way to stop being an Akatsuki member," Gōketsu replied. "That means death doesn't count. Presumably, Pain is still an Akatsuki member as well, even though he's still trapped in the afterlife."

Over near the rapidly-fading barrier, Kisame started laughing.

Gōketsu hefted the urn, then cast it up into the air. As it fell, he nailed it with a spinning kick, causing it to explode into a shower of ash and ceramic shards.

"Deidara is now dead," Hazō said, "indirectly due to my actions, specifically runic bombardment at O'Uzu a few weeks ago."

"Fine," Itachi spat. "Welcome to Akatsuki. Bring out your family, and they will be spared while Leaf burns."

"Before that…" Gōketsu said, unsealing three hefty crates and starting to pull out scroll after scroll.

Itachi knew those scrolls. He'd made extensive use of them while preparing to massacre his clan.

"Gōketsu... are those family trees?"

"Yup," Gōketsu said casually. "Leaf has amazing genealogical records, almost as good as Mist's. I guess the Nara are good for something after all.

"Now, as you can see from the latest scroll, my sister Kei is married to Nara Shikamaru, which makes him and the Nara my legal family. They have extensive marriage ties to the Yamanaka and the Akimichi, so they're my family as well. Collectively, the Ino-Shika-Chō have various marriage ties to a ton of other Leaf clans, and those have ties to other Leaf clans, and it's amazing how incestuous the whole thing gets when viewed on the scale of centuries, but in short, every clan in Leaf is my family one way or another. It'll be a bit of a pain to command them all myself, so for now, I've named Uzumaki Naruto Big Hat Minion Number One, at least until I can come up with a funnier title."

"Now can I kill him?" Itachi begged.

"I'm afraid it's too late," Konan said. "You were the one who gave him a formal route into the organisation. If it makes you feel any better, we're still going to execute the clanless. These days, they comprise a large proportion of Leaf ninja, so it should be enough to save face."

"They're my family too."

Sometimes, Itachi really, really hated his life.

"So you know how the Gōketsu were retroactively Leaf citizens all along?" Gōketsu asked. "That means the vote replacing Kei as KEI Coordinator in absentia was illegal, so they had to reinstate her. She has just issued eight hundred adoption tickets to the Kei Clan, which they used. Big Hat Minion Number One is furious. And since many of the new members have concubinage bonds to other clans, which Leaf law kinda sorta recognises, the Kei Clan is now also part of the Gōketsu Family.

"Now, are you guys prepared to provide the entirety of Leaf with room and board in Hidden Rain, or would you prefer us to keep our old lodgings?"

No words were spoken during Akatsuki's journey home. The only sound to be heard was Kisame's intermittent hysterical laughter.